Hi Papabear,
My question is: How old is too old? I'm a 30 year old Australian male who has been sitting on the sidelines of furry subculture. Only recently have I decided to become more active in the community (via chats/IM/etc.) and with an ultimate goal to attend the U.S. conventions with a fully realized fursona/fursuit. My question relates to my concerns with my age. From what I have noticed, furries tend to be younger (average 10 years) and I feel apprehensive with socializing and interaction as my thought processes tend to revolve around "aren't you too old for this?" or "will I have difficulty with furries more closer to my age who have been fursuiting for many years (group exclusion)?" I know the community highly inclusive, however, I worry that there may be underlying sentiments among the community that I'm not aware of. Will my age be a non-issue, or is there any merit to my concerns as I do worry about my age being a point of contention; especially since attending US conventions as international furry is a big enough hurdle. Apologies for the long winded letter. Warmest Thanks Antares NaE * * * Dear Antares NaE, Your letter is by no means long-winded, so no worries. And, if your age of 30 were an issue, I would be in real trouble at 47 (48 soon). When you say that furries tend to be younger, and then parenthetically add “(average 10 years)” I’ll assume you mean they average about 10 years younger than you and not 10 years old :-3. Yes, the majority of furries are in their teens and twenties. That’s because people of that age group are still often in touch with their childlike, creative sides, which has a lot to do with being furry and its appeal. We love animated films and TV shows, fantasy and sci-fi books, comic books and graphic novels, video and online games, and the like. These things are typically associated with younger audiences. And many of the furries you see around now who are young will leave the fandom when they reach their 30s or 40s, deciding that furry is too immature for them. Then there are the hardcore furries. These are the people who are furry to the bone, and they will remain furry until the day they die because being a furry isn’t just something they do, it is something they ARE. Older furries are special because they manage to survive the adult world while still keeping touch with their inner child. It’s sort of a Peter Pan Syndrome thing perhaps LOL. Anyway, you should have no trouble finding friends in the fandom. In case you were unaware, furries who are 30 and over are known as greymuzzles (I agree that’s a little young to be considered old, but, again, it has to do with demographics). You can find greymuzzle groups online at places like Furry4Life and Facebook (I founded a greymuzzle FB group, actually). These groups will all welcome you with open arms, never fear. Furcons in the U.S. (and I’m assuming you are aware that Australia has Confurgence in Melbourne) often include a forum for greymuzzles, so I would check out the program schedule of the con you plan to attend and see if they have a greymuzzle meet. As for only becoming active recently in the fandom, that’s okay, too. Whether young or old, many in the fandom have only been active for fewer than five years. Take yours truly. While I consider myself a lifelong furry (having been into it as a child before I was familiar with the term) I have only really been active since my early 40s. There are a lot of greymuzzles like you and me, Antares. So, while your age does set you apart somewhat from the younger furries, you will have no trouble whatsoever integrating into the furry community. Indeed, probably a lot of American furries will find your Australian accent and international perspective charming and intriguing. See if you can connect with some greymuzzles who will, hopefully, be at the convention(s) you plan to attend, and you will have a grand time. You are never too old to be a furry. Cheers, Papabear
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Hey Papabear,
(I came to you before but I never heard back on that subject. You don’t need to get back on that. It’s been solved.) I am sorry in advance if I may sound too whiney or rant-ish in this letter but I am still emotional. I am a female. I am very independent and I usually can handle my own problems. But this is something I never had to be dealt with before. About two months ago, my mate....let’s call him Insane...had cheated on me. He, himself, is a bisexual and I am straight. At first, the news of his utter betrayal didn't hit me....But recently I finally snapped. I snapped at him and cried and asked why would you do this to me. But if this isn't enough....Earlier in our relationship, he had lead me to believe he was also straight. I was happy he could trust me to tell me he was bisexual but the part that got me was that he told me he is more attracted to a male than female. I mean I would have been mad at him no matter the gender of the person he cheated on me with....But it was with a man. A man who has tempted him before with sex and came onto him...He knew this guy gonna try to come at him, even though I am there in his life. And yet....Insane still did it. On the same bed I had trusted him with my own body, he had betrayed me. I want to scream at him, I want to slap him, I want to cry.... I want to hurt him back. But I know myself. I don’t get even in that sense. I’m not that type of person to do so. Insane had suggested we take a break and ... we did that. I hadn't visited him or vice versa. But we talked, though. I need to get my emotions out. Insane had told me right after it happened and he is genuinely guilty and sorry. This is the main reason I am giving a second chance. And because I love him and we all make mistakes. I know I will f*ck up too. We’re human. But since then, his anger and guilt to himself has affected us as well. I know he is mad but he won’t stop talking to me like a prick. The way he says things to me makes me feel he doesn't care.... But I realized its anger at himself. When Insane told me that day, “I am more attracted to men than women”... It made me feel like I can’t compare. I can’t be his everything in that sense. I can’t pleasure him how a man could and toys will only do so much. (We still have yet to try toys.) But I know we are taking a break from sex ... because honestly I don’t want him to touch me in that way. I feel useless and unattractive.... Like I am not his everything. Insane told me I am but ... still. How can I compare to his preference? He told me he fell in love with me and he wants me only. But I sure don’t feel that way.... And after cheating on me with a dude, that made me feel lower than dirt.... I feel unattractive already with my body image issue but that’s another problem for another time. My question is, though.... How do we get through this? I never have been cheated on like this. And I would like some help that isn't biased. (Went to my mother ... didn't end well.) And how do I get out of the hole of feeling unattractive? I need ... to be rescued. I would appreciate it greatly and thanks for taking time out of your day to read this. Signed, The Jaded One * * * Dear Jaded One, My sincere apologies for missing your earlier letter. Every now and then, Papabear gets a little overwhelmed and accidentally forgets to reply to a writer. (When I do, dear readers, don’t be shy—poke me!) Anyway, I’m glad the earlier problem resolved itself. I will get right to the point on this letter. The crux of the problem is to be found in the fact that you are straight and he is bisexual with a preference for men. If there is one thing I have learned in my life it is that if you have a couple who do not share sexual preferences, even if you love each other very much, you are in for a bumpy ride. Unless you, Jaded, can accept that your boyfriend will want to have sex, at least now and then, with men, you are not going to be able to work this out. I am not contradicting your boyfriend’s statement that he truly loves you. I’m sure he does, and he could probably be happy with your being his only female sexual partner. But his inner wiring is not something that can be changed. If that were the case, I would still be married to my former wife. It is important that you understand that your boyfriend’s behavior is not a reflection upon you, and you should not let it bruise your self-esteem. You could be the most beautiful woman on the planet, but, believe me, if he has a preference for males it would not matter. So, don’t feel unattractive and unwanted. It’s not about your appearance, it’s about your gender. The reason for his being terse and surly with you, furthermore, is that he is doing his best to be faithful to you and it is getting him sexually frustrated. Your interpretation that his anger comes from his being angry at himself is incorrect because you are looking at the situation from the perspective of a woman, which is, to be fair, the only way you can do it. No, his anger is born of the frustration of not only keeping himself away from men but now you as well, as you are refusing sex with him, which is only exacerbating the problem. There is a very fundamental misunderstanding between the sexes that goes back to the beginning of humanity: women are wired to have sex to have children and to be emotionally bonded with their partners; men are wired to have sex in order to fertilize as many women as possible and spread their genes. Now, if a man is gay or bi, even though he is not doing the Darwin thing by seeding progeny, the instinct to be sexually active is still extremely strong. I’ve heard this summarized in a couple of ways, one of which is: “Women need a reason, men need a place.” It sounds crude, but it’s generally true. (Interestingly, one study claims the opposite is true: http://www.clutchmagonline.com/2013/05/newsflash-women-are-less-monogamous-than-men/. Do note this is just one book and one study, so take it with a grain of salt. It is also interesting that, according to this book, when women get bored with their partners they simply go the no-sex route rather than seeking an outside lover, although that happens, too. In my personal experience and observations, though, I really find this conclusion hard to believe. Men clearly tend more to promiscuity than women do.) Does this mean men cannot be monogamous? No, they certainly can be, but it is less likely that they will be. Women usually take this to mean that men are morally inferior pigs. That’s really unfair; men are just men. We are all—men and women alike—ruled by biological instinct, like it or not. And, if your boyfriend’s instinct is to be bisexual and to prefer men over women, then there is nothing you can do to change that. Now, it is up to you to decide whether you can love your boyfriend for who he really is or not because what you are currently doing—denying him sex with you and anyone else—is a strategy that is doomed to fail. Good luck! Papabear * * * Sorry I am getting back to you way too fast. But I wanted say three things. 1. Thank you for getting back to me so quickly! I was seriously thought I was still asleep and it was a dream. I appreciate the words and I will try to get past the sexual preference problem because I do love him that much and I want us to work. 2. I probably should had also stated our relationship was semi-open. So if he wanted to go to a guy friend of ours and wanted to have sex with him.... He could only if I approve the person and vice versa. So I wasn't straining him of sex with a man (totally not saying you said I was or anything.) He could have and did what he wanted with those people I allowed. But the thing was I didn't approve the man he cheated on me with and didn't even ask if it was okay. 3. And I just felt if I limit the sex, we could focus on him and myself without the thought of sex. I hope this was a good idea to also close our relationship until we get over it. Is it a good idea to do so? Just thought I let that information out to clarify he could have sex with males as long I agreed. (I hope this doesn't come off as rude.) Thanks again, Papabear * * * Hi, Jaded, Er, yeah, that is a pretty key piece of information you left out. If you are allowing him to express his "other side," shall we say, then that is more than fair of you. I also think it is reasonable for you to request that he only play with people with whom you are comfortable and about whom you are aware. I'm not sure why you disapproved of the guy he had sex with, but I'm sure you had a reason to, and he should have respected that or at least talked to you first before he did what he did. As for having a temporary closing of the relationship and cooling off period in which the two of you also do not have sex, I'm still not certain that is a good idea. While I appreciate your intention for focusing on the relationship's other aspects, it sounds like this was your idea and, as such, might be seen as a kind of "punishment" by him. Instead of refraining from sex, I would suggest you try to spice things up between the two of you. Instead of a "No sex for you at all until we figure this all out," try "Let's take a few weeks to focus on rebooting our own sex life, just you and me. By focusing on ourselves, I think we can re-bond and regain that trust that we seem to have lost. And once we have that trust again, we can talk about your having sex with other men." This is called the positive vs. negative reinforcement gambit. Instead of giving the guy an electrical shock, so to speak, to punish bad behavior, give him a nice chocolate treat to encourage good behavior. Continue to reinforce good behavior until you have reaffirmed the bond between the two of you. Thanks for writing again, and I hope this helps! Papabear Hello,
I've read a lot of your letters but haven't seen this one. I need some advice from an older gay furry. I've met a guy (we are both furry and in our 20s) online and we have really hit it off and we are planning our first visit. He wants to be intimate when we meet and that's not a problem for me even though I don't have much experience. The problem is he doesn't want to use protection. He said he was tested a while ago and hasn't done anything risky since then. I've been tested a couple of times for medical things so I know I'm clean. If anything happened I can hear people saying, "You had unprotected sex with somebody you just met, what did you expect?" Does our online time count for building trust? Is it ever possible for two guys to have unprotected sex? I really like him and want to please him but all those horror stories I've heard keep playing in my head. Thank you for taking my question, I don't know who to ask about this. Nervous Raccoon * * * Dear Nervous, An outstanding question; thank you for asking. It’s not only relevant to gay people, but also to heterosexuals because, of course, STDs are a concern to everyone because anyone can get one. It is unfortunate we live in a world filled with nasty diseases that put a crimp in our longing to be freely intimate with another person. You are very wise to be extra cautious about having unprotected sex, even if it is someone you are really starting to care about. So, is there a time when unprotected sex is fine? Yes, when both partners only have unprotected sex with each other. If either partner is having unsafe sex outside the relationship, then condoms are a must. It is important to understand the technicalities of testing, especially when it comes to HIV. Infections from other diseases, such as syphilis, show up right away on a test, but HIV is very sneaky and nefarious. Did you know that you can be infected with HIV and be tested as negative for many months afterwards? Some doctors even recommend you wait a year before being fully confident that you are negative. Therefore, before you have sex with your new boyfriend, you need to have a sit-down with him. Ask to see his test results, and make sure he has had the full spectrum of tests, including syphilis, gonorrhea, herpes, and chlamydia. To be fair, you should do the same for yourself. Even if you are a virgin, the point of the test is to show him that you are willing to do the same thing that you are asking of him. So, apparently, you already had this done and can show him your results, so that’s good. Next, explain to him the nature of HIV and that you should each get a test every six months (from the date of your previous test) for one year. When all those are negative, then you have a clean bill of health. I know this sounds like a pain in the ass, and it is, but if you wish to be 100% certain then that is the way to do it. The good news is that once you have shown each other you are completely healthy, the sex can be amazing because there is absolutely no nervousness, no voice in the back of your head wondering if your partner might be giving you a lethal disease. In the meantime, sex can still be wonderful. Condoms have improved greatly over the years to the point that sensitivity is greatly enhanced. Also, there are many ways to explore each other’s bodies without penetration that can be very exciting and satisfying (too, as long as you do not have any open cuts or sores, oral sex is safe when it comes to HIV transmission, though not to some other diseases, like gonorrhea). Note, too, that if you indulge in any “fingering” that you should make certain your hands are free of cuts and scrapes (use latex gloves if you are uncertain). For further safety, you can also get vaccinated for some sexually transmittable diseases, including hepatitis. The next big question is how will your partner respond to this information and your desire that you both have further testing to do before you have sex without condoms. He might drag out the line, “You don’t trust me” as a way to pressure you. If that is the case, you can reply, “It’s not that I don’t trust you, but it is possible that you have HIV and don’t know it, even though you were so great and had a test. I really appreciate that you got tested, but we need to be as careful as possible.” If he doesn’t respect your wishes and starts saying things like, “If you don’t trust me, then we should break up,” then that is emotional extortion in my book, and it tells you a lot about this guy and his motives. If he’s a good guy, however, and genuinely loves you and wants to build a solid relationship, then he will respect your wishes and understand that a relationship is more than just about sex. You can continue by having protected sex for a time, or remain abstinent until all the tests are in and you can go hog wild on each other. For your sake, I hope your partner is a good guy. Don’t give in to any pressure and you will be fine. Remember, your comfort in this relationship is just as important as his. Let me know how it goes! Good luck! Papabear Hi Papabear,
I really love the column and it’s really awesome to see someone do so much good for the fandom, so a million hugs to you :3 My question is how to keep myself at a professional distance but still be me at the same time. My issue is I’m starting to take my artwork seriously and finally getting good enough (in my opinion) to be taken seriously ... but, I’m still not used to dealing with people—I’m very antisocial and find people difficult at the best of times. So do you have any help for keeping calm with customers and looking professional while still being open enough to make friends? Thank you for your time, and thanks again for being there for us confused furs <3 Firewolf * * * Dear Firewolf, Thanks for the compliment; glad you enjoy my column :) What we have here are two issues, not just one: 1) how to deal with people in your business life, and 2) how to make friends when you are antisocial. When it comes to jobs for the antisocial, being an artist is a good choice. Like being a writer, it is a very solitary occupation where you can sit for hours on end working on your craft in total isolation. Many a famous artist was a recluse (Bill Waterson springs to mind right away). But, in the end, if you wish to actually sell your art, you do have to deal with people. Again, fortunately, we have something called the Internet, which, while vastly increasing our ability to contact human beings all over the world, also creates a digital wall between us so we don’t have to deal with them directly. If you sell your art online, you really don’t have to deal with people. Just take their orders, collect the money, and when the check clears, give them the artwork. If you sell your art in person, such as buying a table at a furcon for the dealer’s den, you will be facing people in person, naturally. Dealing with customers is not the same as socializing. Safe in the knowledge that you will only have to talk to them for a short time, be pleasant and helpful at all times. Answer their questions and do what you can to make the sale, then move on to the next customer. The key to good customer service is to answer people’s questions politely and quickly and make sure they are satisfied with the product. Make clear any return policy (or, if you have none, make that clear, too). You should be able to deal with customers without worrying about social anxieties, as business transactions are not about whether or not you are a sociable person. Think of it as putting on your “Businesswoman Fursona” and getting into character. I would suggest working on your Businesswoman Fursona for a while, getting used to that before you allow yourself to relax a bit. Especially at first, you probably won’t get a whole lot of friend requests so much as people wanting to buy your art (hopefully). After a while, you may gain some fans, and fans can often become friends. Since you will both have an interest in art—in particular, your art—that should be a good ice breaker that could make it easier to form new friendships. None of the above addresses the possibility that your social anxiety might benefit from some therapy, depending on its severity, but the above advice might help you, nevertheless. Good luck with your art and your new business venture! Papabear Dear Papabear,
I was just diagnosed with a non-contagious non-curable disease that has/will put a serious stop to our sex life (at least temporarily). My partner hasn't suggested this but I want to be fair to him. Should I suggest the possibility of opening up our relationship so that he can have (safe) sex with guys outside of our relationship until I'm better? I wouldn't even suggest this if I wasn't certain that our relationship is on solid ground. We've been together going on 7 years and I completely trust him. My previous relationship ended when I “caught” my ex courtesy of a state police officer, a wreck, and an emergency room. I am confident that my partner wouldn't cheat on me but I know he has needs and I want to make sure he's happy. Thanks for your help, B. Cub * * * Dear B. Cub, Hmm, I’m not really sure what disease is chronic, not contagious, and interferes with sex, yet, apparently with treatment, will allow you to have sex again in the future. Be that as it may, you are obviously a very kind and considerate person who is concerned about his partner’s happiness. You trust him and are open-minded about having an open relationship, if necessary. That’s great. Before you take that step, however, you might want to explore possibilities in having sexual play with him in ways that you still can perform. Again, I’m not sure what limitations this illness of yours has on you, but sex is more than just inserting Tab A into Slot B. You can be erotic and stimulating in many other ways. Remember, love making involves more than just the groin. A good lover uses his (or her) entire body. A helpful book for you, if you have never read it, would be The Joy of Sex by Alex Comfort. I’m sure you will find many inspirational ideas in there you have not thought of before. If you still wish to explore an open relationship, then talk to him. You might say something like the following: “I don’t want my illness to affect your happiness in any way. I completely trust you, and I understand you have sexual needs that I cannot fulfill right now. You haven’t approached me about this, so I am approaching you. I want you to know that it’s okay with me if you need to find some sexual relief with someone else. If you do, all I would ask is that you communicate with me what you are doing and, of course, practice safe sex. As long as we keep talking to each other about our needs, we can get through this. I love you very much and I want us to work, so tell me what you are thinking now.” And let him give you his viewpoint on the matter. You sound like a sweet couple. Together, I’m sure you can make this work. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
Thank you so much for creating this column for those who need it; it's very kind and thoughtful ^^ I'm new to this community (came out this summer to some friends, not to parents yet. I'm a bi furry with a male preference) and I have some friends who’ve helped me accept and love who I am; my problem is that I've fallen for one of them. We've talked (and skyped) for about two months and he is my type (taller, a little chubbier, nice and we share the same interests) but I've told him I love him to which I feel like I've rushed our friendship; he says that it's his fault that he makes me feel that way. We apologized to each other and continue talking but I feel like it's my fault because I might be lonely and want companionship, is it my fault? Thank you for your time and have a nice day ^^ -Conri Neon * * * Dear Conri, Never apologize for loving someone. Even if that love is not returned, to love another soul is to taste the divine. To hate someone, or treat him or her cruelly, now THAT is something to apologize for. Nor should your friend apologize for making you feel that way. He should feel flattered that he inspires such emotion in you and be grateful for it. If he does not feel exactly as you do—or as intensely—it seems from your brief letter that he wishes to remain friends. And friendship, as Papabear has said before, is not to be taken lightly. There are many kinds of friends in the world: passing friends, chummy friends, beer-drinking-companion friends, and there are also dear friends. The Greeks categorized love as falling into one of four categories: eros, agape, philia, and storge. Not to go too deeply into it, but eros refers to that physical, passionate love, the kind leading to sex; agape is a deep spiritual love, as might be experienced between two people who have been married for many years and, incredibly in this day and age, still love each other; philia refers to good friends (dear friends, as I called it above) who have a nonsexual affection for each other; and storge can be thought of in terms of family love (simply put). Your friend might have backed off a bit because he was not interested in an eros kind of love, but the other types of love, or combinations of them, could still very well be available to you. Now that you have established that your friendship should not have an erotic component, and you have defined the parameters, you should both feel free to further explore your friendship. Loneliness is not only assuaged by the love of a mate, but also the love of good friends, and lucky is that person who has to use more than one hand to count all his dear friends. So, Papabear now wags his chubby finger at you and admonishes, “Stop all this apologizing and feeling guilty nonsense, both of you, and cherish your friendship.” And, Conri, it is only natural to want companionship and love. You’ll find someone to love, but in the meantime, hold tight to your friends. You’ve already seen how friends can help! They helped you accept yourself for being who you are! You are blessed to have friends. Be happy, Papabear Greetings, Papa Bear!
I stumbled across your site while browsing Fur Affinity and have been reading the letters here for about an hour or so now. After some examination I've decided I'd like to ask a question, and hope you can offer me some advice. Typically, I'd ask my mother or counselor, but I don't want to for personal reasons. Let me inform you of a few things to get started. First, I'm a female furry [my peers and teachers do not know I am such, but that doesn't concern me] going into eleventh grade this September. I absolutely adore my school and its staff, and the adoration goes both ways, thankfully. I'm very well known and a lot is expected of me—when I'm not trying, my work is above average, and when I am I pass easily into superior levels. Teachers and principals think I'm some sort of genius, but at the same time, consider me an “old soul” for whatever reason. I haven't really been in school for the past year, however. My father, whom I was very close to, passed away due to lung cancer. This was back in October of 2012. I watched for about a year, give or take, as he fell away into nothing and died. I don't mean for the theatrics, but that does something to a person, no matter their age. I have no regrets on that regard; I even spoke at his funeral without breaking down in the middle of what I was saying. I consider myself to be a very powerful and strong person; however, here within does the issue lie. No matter what I—or others—think of me, my emotions are worn on my sleeve. So enough battering around, I ought to ask my question already. Papa Bear, I'm not very good with my own age group. I've recently gone through an awful experience and missed quite a lot. Now, I have to return to a school—albeit one I absolutely adore—full of kids I never fit quite right with. I have no friend group, only a single friend who I occasionally tag along with. Always have I ended up making myself look like someone to be revered; I demanded the respect of my peers and fancied myself better than them because of praise listed above. I've been marked as prude and snobbish, something I only inflicted on myself. I'm rambling again, forgive me. When I return to school, what should I do? It'll be like entering it for the first time as far as other students go—almost. I don't want to be questioned about my absence the year prior though it's likely inevitable. I'm still grieving. I don't want the world expected of me by my teachers. I want to be able to move on and make friends, but not risk being hurt, which leaves me going in circles leading to nowhere. How do I move on when my peers see me one way, though my recent experiences have changed me so much? I'm really sorry for the long letter and hope it makes sense. I also apologize for the lack of "furry" this letter holds. Thank you for reading and replying, I'm very grateful for it. Sincerely, Cass * * * Hi, Cass, Papabear is sorry for the loss of your father; I lost mine to bone cancer, and it was, to say the least, horrifying to watch him in his last days. It’s okay if this letter is not directly related to furry, specifically; it’s about life, so it is relevant to everyone. Yes, your letter is a bit rambling, so let me see if the ol’ bear has this straight. You had been a high achiever in school, and then your father became very ill and you left school to be with him (I’m guessing you set up some home-schooling option in the meantime, as you are required by law to stay in school until a certain age—depending on the state—unless you have permission from your parent or guardian to drop out). Now you are returning to the same school and, since you are quite bright, expect to return to your former pattern of academic success. It sounds like, before you left, you may have had trouble making friends and now, upon your return, expect the situation to be exacerbated by your long absence and renewed feelings of alienation because of your experience with death and the fact you were out of touch for so long. So, how to make friends again, yes? In a way, your absence may work to your advantage because you have an opportunity to recreate yourself into a more relatable person for your peers. In the past, because of your intelligence, you related more to the adults at the school. Also, you evidently enjoyed being admired by the students for your academic achievement—indeed, you state you demanded their respect. However, this likely also alienated them from you, and you are insightful enough to recognize that you perhaps deserved the labels of “prude” and “snob.” You don’t want to come across like Sheldon Cooper (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hm87ZLMMFss). It is time for you to adjust your attitude if you wish to make lasting friendships. The loss of your father could help by putting things into perspective as to what is important in life. When the time comes for you—as it does for all of us—to move on and leave this world behind, would you like to be remembered as the intelligent woman who was revered by her peers but died without gaining their hearts, or would you rather be remembered as a kind and loving person who gave of herself in order to make the world a better place? You have been given the gift of an intelligent mind, but what is the purpose of intelligence? Should it be worshipped by others who are not as smart? Should you be put on a pedestal because you get good grades? I am reminded of the story of Dr. Faustus by Christopher Marlowe (based on an old story and one with which you might be familiar). Faustus makes a deal with the devil: he gives Satan his soul and, in exchange, receives the knowledge of the universe. Instead of doing something good with this knowledge, he becomes a show off, wowing people with what, to them, are incredible magic tricks in order to gain their admiration. Wasting his gift, he refuses to repent and is taken off to Hell by play’s end. Like Faustus, your intelligence is (though less demonically) a gift. It was not given to you so that you may strut around and feel important in comparison to your teenaged peers. It was given to you so that you might do something good in the world. Everything that we have in this world is given to us, including our brains and our lives—they are all on loan. The only thing that is truly ours is the spirit within us that gives us the ability of free choice, gives us our character. Who you are, therefore, is not determined by your intelligence, Cass, but by your choices in how to use that intelligence. If you use it merely to gain attention and praise, then you are not really the admirable person you wish to be; if you use it to help others, then you will become a person worthy of true respect and friendship. One way to achieve the latter would be to become a tutor. Since school is so easy for you, you can use the extra time you don’t need for studying to help other people who need it. Talk to your school and explore ways that you can help. There may be other opportunities at your school, too, where you can help others. In doing this, you will reinvent your image and people will see you as a kind person who has changed since she was last at school. You will also interact with more people as you get involved in tutoring in other activities, which will likely lead to friendships. Finally, doing this type of work can help you, personally, because when you start applying to universities you can list it in your application. Universities are more likely to admit students who have well-rounded high school experiences that deal with more than just academic achievement. As for the last part of your letter, I am not really sure why you think you are at risk of being hurt. If people ask you about your absence, tell them what happened. You were taking care of your father during his final months. If anything, this will get you much sympathy from your peers. Allow others to express their sympathy, thank them kindly, and tell them that you will be okay and that you have grown because of the experience. Hopefully, that is true. There is a lot more to life than getting A’s on high school tests. I wish you luck, Papabear Um... Hello Papabear,
I've never done an online advice thing like this before so putting myself out there like this is kind of unnerving, but hear me out anyway alright? Basically, I am pretty typical in the furry world, but not so much anywhere else. I have been interested in the furry fandom since just before high school and have been involved in it with relatively low activity for all of high school. A few years prior to this, though, I discovered on a few accounts my interest in men. I never really had an internal conflict or whatever at this point since it was pretty much just a sexual desire paired with something I knew would never be accepted where I live. Of course, in terms of how it affected me, it just meant I was honest with myself when experimenting with things online such as pornography and sexual urges. I didn't really feel the need to ever be coaxed out of the closet at all until the furry fandom came along and treated me as an equal per se. I just sort of found out about it all through random keywords appearing in random internet jokes, such as yiff, fetish, etc. When looking into things further, I found out about the chat rooms on deviantart.com which eventually led to me making a good number of friends that I talked to quite regularly and even a 2 month internet boyfriend. Since I couldn't fully be myself at school at the time, I would come home to talk to them and often enjoy some casual role play and yiff whenever. However, these habits were sort of forced out of me the following year, considering I applied and was accepted into a boarding school where school would keep me busy for my last three years of school (I just graduated in May). While I did learn to experiment sexually in my comfort zone at school (boys' dorm) with others as opposed to from behind a computer screen, I lost the vital connections I had with internet friends I used to vent everything to. I did make some fun friends at boarding school, but through various situations, very few of them stuck around in the end, so the end of my senior year often felt lonely at times. Keep in mind, I was able to come out during my sophomore year at my school, but after the hype and extravagance of coming out of the closet wore off, people weren't really so interested in me. It's worth mentioning that during the summer between my sophomore and junior years after having just come out at school, I ended up attempting to come out to my parents as well. This, of course, didn't go well at all. They didn't get that mad, but they were firm in their beliefs of right and wrong and more or less just said that they didn't believe me. So, there was a long period of being cut off from all communication with the outside world and long Jesus talks followed by anti-gay counseling, which didn't last long anyways because I had to return to school for the following school year. At first, I went along with the whole trying to turn my life around thing, but I just ended up hating myself more and more because of it. I remembered how much I wanted to get out of the rigid tradition of the South that had always been forced on me. Essentially, my parents had originally presented my options as "change" or forget about any further financial support (i.e. college) from them in the future. In fact, I almost wasn't allowed to return to my school the next year because I had to also admit that I had been sexually active there. Other measures taken were to try to monitor my computer more closely and shut off the internet at a certain time at night while I was at home. In fact, that cut-off rule is still in place most of the time while I'm at home these days. Additionally, my mom is always on Facebook and if I add any new friends or join any kinds of groups (furry or not), she pretty much gets a notification right away. (When I was living away at school, she would sometimes call and yell at me simply because she did not like the content of my status update, albeit I have always refrained from public use of directly inappropriate content and profanity on account of my other family members seeing.) The fact is, my parents don't trust me. I don't really blame them. I wouldn't trust me either at this point. In their rigid view of what is right and wrong, going online to meet people for even the most casual of conversations is just wrong and creepy. I know that they love me a lot, but they completely block out any ideas of me being interested in men at all and always point out the appeal of my various female friends as if nothing ever happened. They obviously don't know about the furry fandom or anything so attempting to frequent websites like deviantart or FurAffinity is always risky. My room is positioned so that they could walk in at any moment and see what I'm doing online or not. Thankfully, I'll be moving away to college soon, but there are still some problems. First off, my experience with general "LGBT community" groups apart from furries hasn't been very positive. They are usually based around a specific friend group and they are interested in more campy, typical gay things. I found that I felt almost as invisible as I was at my old school before I had ever come out in the first place... That being said, I feel more at home as an individual with furries and online geek groups where it isn't so much about what sexual label we wear as it is about what we are interested in, sexual or not. I've become a huge fan of various furry artists and have even had a few requests done. I absolutely love anthro characters and quickly formulated my own fursona (I have always been cuddly so my close relatives always called me "Bear") and subscribed to get the latest info on what was going on in the fandom. It is my dream to go to Anthrocon as well and I have at least 20 albums from furry/chiptunes artists like Renard from lapfoxtrax.com loaded on my iPod and can't seem to get enough. I really do love everything about it. I feel that since I have been able to at least chat with some people, I was able to expand my horizons and learn about other ways of life. "Furry" for me was more about a collective psychology based on the ideas of trying to be ironically more human(e) towards one another. Granted, with a love of animals and fantasy characters, the actual animal part of it all came naturally too. It is complicated and not exactly something I'd want to explain to anyone unless they had a similar positive experience with the fandom. (That rules out my parents.) Anyways, here is my primary dilemma. As I mentioned before, the friends I had online have kinda been separated over time and I've lost contact with all but one of them. With my parents being so invasive as well as demanding to read my texts sometimes, it has pushed away even some of my IRL friends. They say that they are afraid to text me because my parents don't respect my privacy. Then again, they feel justified because I'm wrong anyway. Essentially, I want to get out and go to furry conventions and live it up and have friends to go to these events with and have fun, but right now I just don't have any. I'll be attending the University of Alabama, but I don't know of any resources or furmeets or anything that I could hook into there. I just want to get my feet rooted back in the things I have neglected through high school or have lost contact with. I owe it to myself after working so hard to experiment with relationships I feel comfortable and open in as opposed to just sleeping around in a dormitory. I suppose what I'm really trying to say is that I miss the companionship and feeling like I was a part of a more open "family." I moved away from most of my relatives due to my dad's job at a young age, so at home it is just me and my parents. (My brother recently moved out after graduating college with a bachelor's degree.) The prime opportunity to connect with furries in real life and online once again would be when I'm in college and available to do more on my own, after all, and I don't want to wait until I'm old and gray to get back in either. So, could you help direct me to some way of meeting fellow furries in my area for the sake of going to cons together as well as getting started as a more active member of the fandom as a whole? I was never good at making art or music, but I want to be more involved somehow. I think I will finally have the wiggle room to do something about this when I'm living at my apartment in college. At least, that's what I'm hoping for... Thanks Papa. I hope this wasn't too long or boring! Sincerely, Tony the fellow bear P.S. Any advice about dealing with invasive parents is welcome as well. * * * Dear Tony, My goodness, I hope that writing that letter was a good catharsis for you. And I am sorry that your parents are so oppressive and cannot accept you for you. Unfortunately, that attitude is a lot more common in the world than it should be. They don’t realize that constantly monitoring your behavior and controlling you is damaging their relationship with their son. They also don’t realize that, by doing this, they are doing nothing that is going to change who you are. It just doesn’t work that way. Makes about as much sense as forcing one’s 5-foot-tall son to shoot hoops every day in the hopes that he will eventually become an NBA superstar. Really, your only hope, when it comes to your parents, is to become independent of them so that they can no longer control you, which is what college will help you do. Keep your head low until you can finish a degree and get your first job. After that, be an example to your parents that you are a good, hard-working man and that being gay is just one aspect of who you are. Depending on their mindset, and the size of their hearts, it should eventually dawn on them that they should love you no matter your sexual orientation. If their hearts never open up, then that is just a tragedy, but you will need to recognize that it is not a reflection upon you but upon their lack of character, sorry to say. Some quick (and rather sneaky) advice on getting around your parents’ invasiveness: buy your own laptop (you can get very good ones for about $260 these days, which still blows my mind) so you don’t have to worry about any parental controls or spying programs they may have installed on the computer you currently use, and open up new accounts on your favorite sites. Meanwhile, keep your old accounts—the ones your parents have access to—open and occasionally post benign messages there. Essentially, the old accounts become decoys. Is this all lying to your parents? Yes, it is. But it’s not lying to them because you are doing drugs, getting drunk, and committing crimes; it’s lying to them because they have judged and sentenced you to their own kind of prison when you have done nothing wrong. Denying someone the right to be him- or herself is, to my mind, one of the worst things you can do to another human being, especially when it is perpetrated against one’s own child. So, you are off to the University of Alabama. Let’s see what’s in your neck of the woods *flips through his furry black book.* Well, of course, there is Rocket City Furmeet in Huntsville. The 2013 convention was postponed until 2014 because the organizers couldn’t find a hotel, but they are working on it. And to start getting in touch with nearby furries, I would suggest you join Bamafurs at http://www.bamafurs.org. Their website has great forums and boards where you can discover all the events around the state. I love how you said “I owe it to myself” to get “my feet rooted back in the things I have neglected.” That shows Papabear you have not allowed your experience with your parents to beat down your spirit. YES! You DO owe it to yourself to be who you want to be and pursue the friendships and experiences you want to pursue. With an attitude like that, Papabear has great confidence that you will do just that. Now what you have to eliminate is any remaining guilt. That whole line where you say “I don’t really blame them” for not trusting you? Drop that crap. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You have no obligation to uphold their oppressive standards of behavior if you do not believe in them. There is nothing morally wrong about being gay or bi or whatever, nor is there anything wrong with being a furry. Heck, even the Pope himself recently said he didn’t have the right to judge gay people. Work and study hard. Have the courage to be yourself. Be a good person, treat others with kindness, and you will have a good life. And look for the paw prints in the path before you, and your spirit bear will show you the way. Papabear Hi Papabear, it’s me again.
The relationship took a turn for the worse. He only wanted sex, like I feared, and I broke it off. He ended up missing me, so when he contacted me I told him all about myself, and he “changed his mind” very abruptly. So I think I'm done trying to date non-furries. So my question is: How do you find other furries to date? Like websites, tactics, and such. How have other furries gotten together in the past? Especially young furries. I hope you can help me. I am tired of being alone and getting burned. Thanks in advance, BlueEye Fox * * * [Note to Readers: You can read BlueEye's previous letter to Papabear here.] Dear BlueEye, I’m very sorry it didn’t work out, but at least you found out what his true motivations were before investing too much time in that relationship. While you didn’t find love with that mundane, it doesn’t mean it’s impossible to find love with someone else who is not a furry. However, I understand your desire to find that special someone who shares your furriness and, luckily for you, there is some help online. Before I had a boyfriend, I thought of checking out other furries, too, and the first site others told me about was Pounced! at http://pounced.org/. Pounced is actually rather a bit of a hook-up site, but is also used for dating and people seeking friendships. You can also check out Furry Date (http://www.furrydate.com/) and Furry Mate (http://furrymate.wordpress.com). In addition, you can locate furries in your area using the Internet Furry Proximity Locator (http://ifpl.cattech.org) or the Furry Finder (http://www.halfdragon.de/furryfinder/), the latter of which I found rather clunky and hard to use. (Dear Readers, if you know of any other helpful sites, feel free to post in comments below. Thanks!) Possibly of more value would be to locate a local or regional furry group, such as, depending on where you live, SoCalFurs or Midwest Furries (Midwest Furries at http://www.michiganfurs.com/ includes an excellent locator map with your free membership). And you can find local furry Meet-up Groups by going to www.meetup.com and searching for “furry” and “anthros.” Of course, if there were an easy formula for finding a mate, and Papabear knew it, this bear would never work again because I would write a best-selling book and make millions. In reality, finding someone in your life can be difficult. In my experience, the harder you hunt, the worse luck you will have. Instead of tracking down a mate like a wolf hungry to eat a rabbit, what you do is create and participate in situations that increase your odds of finding a mate. Once you find some furries near you, let the socializing begin! Because really the only way to find someone to love is to meet people and spend time with them. Some will become acquaintances, some friends, some best friends, and, with luck, one will become a deep loving spirit in your life. Remember! While you can make friends online, if you want love you’re going to have to meet the other person—shocker!—in person! As for the question how do other furries get together (especially young ones), I would have to say there are as many ways to do that as there are furries. The basic tactic is to find someone who shares at least some of your beliefs and interests, become involved in their lives, and always, always be kind, considerate, and loving to them. Hope these tips help. Big Bear Hug, Papabear Papabear,
First off, I'm Fenny. I'm a sixteen year old gay fennec fox, and my grandparents whom I live with have no idea about any of the following. My mom however, knows I have a boyfriend. Of note is that both my master and my mate are both long distance. I've been in a relationship for just over 11 months now, and I recently ran into some issues with my mate. I've also had a master for about three years now, and that's what caused the problem. I love my mate and I'm loyal to my master, but they're both fighting over me and, not to sound dramatic, but I feel like it's killing me inside. Both of them expect me to go with them and both have discussed life plans with me on multiple occasions. I don't want to lose either of them, but I'm scared I'm going to lose both of them. My master and mate are both equally important to me, and every time I try to get them to talk rationally they start fighting. Everyone I turn to either insults me for getting into this situation, ignoring me, or giving just generally bad advice and I'm finding myself unable to sleep until late morning from stress. It's wrecking my life and sending all of my other relationships into death spirals. I don't know what to do anymore, and I'm not sure how much longer I can keep my "mask of happiness" on. Help me, please? If there's any other information you'd like about the situation, please don't hesitate to ask. Fenny * * * Hi, Fenny, Okay, two things here I can remark on that I hope will help. 1) no matter how much you or anyone else might protest to the contrary, a purely long-distance relationship is not in any shape or form the same as a one-on-one relationship where you are physically seeing the other person—at least dating or, better, living together. The question is: can you at least visit your mate and your master, spends some time with them in the same room? It makes a world of difference actually being together with someone when you can experience first-hand what being with them is really like. You might discover some things you don’t like about them that you couldn’t get from an online “relationship,” such as maybe they are sloppy, or bad with money, or are actually harder to get along with in some other way than online. This would go a long way in helping you decide. 2) While I have never had a master, it is my understanding that a “master” is not the same as a “mate.” A master is someone to whom you are a pet; this can have a sexual component to it, but often does not. In these relationships, of course, one person is very dominant, and the other is submissive to the master’s needs. A good master is always kind to his pet, but he (or she) is still the one in charge. While there may be a lot of affection involved, it usually is not of a brand that I would call romantic love. With a mate, there is a loving relationship and both partners are on an equal footing. No one tells the other what to do, and instead there is mutual cooperation and a fair (ideally) distribution of both work and emotional care. If it were me and I had to make a choice, I would choose a relationship with a mate over that of a master because a matehood is more of a soul-binding relationship, while a master-pet relationship is much more uneven. Do you have to lose the master to keep the mate? Not necessarily. Depends on your mate. If you and your mate manage to live together and form a strong bond in which there is no risk of damaging egos or aggravating insecurities, then you could still keep your master in your life just as you might a good friend. Another thing, though, is, if you manage the live-with experience and discover you actually like being with your master more than your mate, your master could actually morph into a mate who is also a master. In the end, you do have to come to some kind of decision. So, as outlined above, make it an informed decision. Find out from real-life experience what it might be like to actually live with one or the other. The reason you can’t decide is you don’t have enough information. I hope this helps. Good luck! Papabear |
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