His Illness Makes Him Wonder If He Should Let His Partner Find Sex Elsewhere

Dear Papabear,

I was just diagnosed with a non-contagious non-curable disease that has/will put a serious stop to our sex life (at least temporarily). 

My partner hasn't suggested this but I want to be fair to him. Should I suggest the possibility of opening up our relationship so that he can have (safe) sex with guys outside of our relationship until I'm better?

I wouldn't even suggest this if I wasn't certain that our relationship is on solid ground. We've been together going on 7 years and I completely trust him. 

My previous relationship ended when I “caught” my ex courtesy of a state police officer, a wreck, and an emergency room. I am confident that my partner wouldn't cheat on me but I know he has needs and I want to make sure he's happy. 

Thanks for your help,

B. Cub

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Dear B. Cub,

Hmm, I’m not really sure what disease is chronic, not contagious, and interferes with sex, yet, apparently with treatment, will allow you to have sex again in the future. Be that as it may, you are obviously a very kind and considerate person who is concerned about his partner’s happiness. You trust him and are open-minded about having an open relationship, if necessary. That’s great.

Before you take that step, however, you might want to explore possibilities in having sexual play with him in ways that you still can perform. Again, I’m not sure what limitations this illness of yours has on you, but sex is more than just inserting Tab A into Slot B. You can be erotic and stimulating in many other ways. Remember, love making involves more than just the groin. A good lover uses his (or her) entire body. A helpful book for you, if you have never read it, would be The Joy of Sex by Alex Comfort. I’m sure you will find many inspirational ideas in there you have not thought of before.

If you still wish to explore an open relationship, then talk to him. You might say something like the following: “I don’t want my illness to affect your happiness in any way. I completely trust you, and I understand you have sexual needs that I cannot fulfill right now. You haven’t approached me about this, so I am approaching you. I want you to know that it’s okay with me if you need to find some sexual relief with someone else. If you do, all I would ask is that you communicate with me what you are doing and, of course, practice safe sex. As long as we keep talking to each other about our needs, we can get through this. I love you very much and I want us to work, so tell me what you are thinking now.”

And let him give you his viewpoint on the matter. 

You sound like a sweet couple. Together, I’m sure you can make this work.

Hugs,

Papabear