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Dear Papabear,
I just finished school and am trying to decide where to go from here. I've been living with family in Michigan throughout my 20s to save money, but all my family members have moved out of my hometown to the southern part of the state because it's gotten too expensive to live up north in the resort town I grew up in. My mom got a house in Port Huron (a smallish city just north of Detroit) and invited me and my brother to live with her, though to be honest, Port Huron seems kinda dull. I have been thinking of moving to a big city for a while, and I had my eyes on Chicago because I've been there before. It's not too far from family, it has good public transit, and it's cheaper than a lot of big cities. My brother said he would come with me if I decided to go. I'm still hesitant, and I'm wondering if I actually want to live in a big city, or if I just like the idea of it. I've never liked driving, and I like using public transit and being able to walk everywhere. I'm moving to Port Huron in the spring, and I plan on staying there for maybe a year to save more money before deciding where to go from there. o be blunt, my degree isn't all that useful, but I work for a big company and can transfer, and I do furry art commissions on the side. I went to college on and off throughout my 20s and struggled at first because of undiagnosed ADHD, which I started taking meds for just a couple of years ago. I mostly just finished my degree to make my mom happy. I've also considered doing some kind of online certification to get a better paying day job I don't hate, but I question if it's even worth it since even people with "useful" degrees can't find jobs right now. I was just curious if you had any advice. Sorry if my letter is kind of all over the place. I'm just a little overwhelmed. Stee (age 30) * * * Dear Stee, Thank you for your letter. Your query is a bit vague, but let me see if I can encapsulate it in one sentence as: "Do you think it is wise for me to move from Michigan and settle in Chicago at this point in my life?" Sound good? First of all, as someone who lived in Michigan for many years (mostly in the Detroit and Lansing areas), I am familiar with Port Huron. Although I hear, like any city, it has its problems, I think it is still a nice place overall, and it wouldn't be horrible to live there. It is in a beautiful area and is quite affordable. Also, I understand it has a very good bus system that runs on natural gas, so you shouldn't have too much trouble getting around, especially if you live near a bus stop. I can understand your mom moving there. While Port Huron does have some fun stuff to do, especially if you like nature walks and boating, it is indeed a bit calmer than a large city like Chicago, which has a thriving arts and theater community, a wonderful waterfront, great restaurants, etc. etc. So, if you like living in the city, it's a good choice. I lived in Wheaton not far from Chicago for a while and visited a number of times. I do like Chicago. And if you like heavy food like Chicago-style pizza and hot dogs, you certainly can't go wrong. Remember, though, that it isn't just a town's amenities that make it interesting. If you are in a home located near a lot of friends and family, then even, say, Needles, California, could be a nice place to live. On the other paw, if you are in a big, exciting city like New York or Chicago but are completely friendless and alone, it would be a pretty sad place to be. Home is where friends and family are. Okay, so now imagine you are in Port Huron with your mom. You've decided to hang out for at least a year. Chicago is not that far, and you can drive there (I assume you can drive even though you prefer public transit; if you don't have a car, rent one), or you can take a hopper plane, OR you can travel by train! Go to Chicago and check it out for a week or two. See if you like the feel of the city. Also, see if you really are able to transfer to Chicago or nearby through your company (you might think you can, but that is up to your bosses, and they might not want to move you; I don't know, but check on that before you make big plans). If you know anyone who lives there, see if you can hang with them for a day or two and get their impressions of life in Chicago. In short, look before you leap. You might decide Chicago is fantastic and want to try to move there right away; you might decide it's not so great but that, once you've been in Port Huron awhile, you find it surprisingly nice and want to stay. Or maybe, while you're in Chicago, you decide to drive a little north to check out Milwaukee and fall in love with that city. The point is that you should never make decisions--especially life-changing decisions--without doing some research first. Before I moved from Michigan to the Coachella Valley, I took a trip to Palm Springs and researched the housing market and came up with a plan. Now, I had lived before in SoCal, so the area wasn't completely new to me, but I hadn't been there in years, so it was worth looking into again. Also, as a freelancer, I could live anywhere, so the job thing wasn't an issue. Everyone's circumstances are different. Cultures are different, too. The culture in Palm Springs is waaaaaaaayyy different than in Lansing, Michigan. Similarly, Chicago does have its own culture. Even the accent of a Chicagoan is different. You really should try to take a trip there for a bit and absorb the surroundings, observe people, try to talk to them, and so on. Again, you might find you love it, you might not. When it comes to degrees, that is a tricky subject indeed. I'm one of the few people I know whose job is actually related to their undergrad degree. There are also people with kind of, well, useless degrees who succeed anyway in other fields. I have a dear friend who I often use an example. His degree is in American Studies. Ack. But after college, he worked his way up at a law firm from data entry to head of the IT department. He later worked on Comedy Central's website. He has no degree in computer science, but he is very good with computers, nonetheless. My late husband, Jim, had an associate's degree in communications and worked his way up to be the news director at an NBC station. Unless you're in a very specific skill such as medicine or engineering, college degrees are kind of something you do to show you're smart enough to do the work. Nothing I do today as an editor and publisher has much to do with my B.A. I learned how to edit books on the job; I taught myself typesetting; I taught myself how to start a business. Experience is what matters. Remember, people like Bill Gates, Steve Wozniak, Steven Spielberg, Frank Lloyd Wright, Ted Turner, President William McKinley were all college dropouts. And yes, a lot of people get graduate degrees in supposedly important fields like computer science and find they can't get employed and are now hugely in debt. Also, AI is profoundly changing the job market, so you have to keep that in mind, too. So, ask yourself what you are learning in your current job; can it be applied to a job you might enjoy more? If not, will getting a certification in a specific area help? If so, then go for it. You have to know what you want to do in life before you can pursue it. Hopefully, you won't pick a career just because you think you will make good money at it. That can lead to quite an unsatisfying life. Now for the broader picture: You're not here in this world to get a college degree or to have a great career. You're here to experience life. While there are practical things to worry about (earning enough to have shelter and food, duh), you only have a few decades on this planet--and that's if you're lucky. What do you really want to do with that time? What do you wish to experience? What kind of life do you truly want to live? Without answering these questions, you're really just wandering about aimlessly, which makes it difficult to have goals and plans to reach those goals. So, there you are. A rambling question receives a rambling answer, despite my trying to keep it focused LOL. Let me try one more time. . . . Question: "Do you think it is wise for me to move from Michigan and settle in Chicago at this point in my life?" Answer: "You can only answer that if you do some research first. Understand where you are going and why you want to go there before you try to get there." Not sure if this helps at all, but perhaps it will give you some things to think about. Take Care, Papabear
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Dear Papabear,
I recently lost my job, and I’m struggling more than I know how to explain. I had a real passion for it, and it was something I worked very hard to gain. For once, I felt like I was on the right track, building something, making progress. It gave me purpose, momentum, a reason to believe I was finally doing something worthwhile with my life. And now it’s gone, I wasn't cut out for it, I found it way too difficult and they got rid of me because I wasn't capable of keeping up with it. Since losing it, I feel like I’ve screwed up everything. Not just my job, but my whole future. I keep thinking: what if this was my only shot? What if I’ve made myself unemployable? I'm scared that I’ve made the wrong choices, that I’ve let people down, and that I’ve ruined something I worked so hard for. I feel like I’ve failed before I ever really got started, and that I've somehow screwed my life up this much. To make things harder, my boyfriend from the US is dealing with depression. And I love him a lot. But I feel so helpless. I can tell he’s in pain, and I want to help him, and show him he's not alone. It's like I'm watching the life slowly get sucked out of someone and it makes me feel like I’m crumbling too. I can barely get through the day myself, and that makes me feel like I’m failing him as well. I want to be his safe place, but I can’t even be my own right now. Then there’s this pressure I've started to carry around constantly ever since I hit 25, I just feel different now. My cousin’s already a dad. He has a house, a job, a family. Meanwhile, I feel like I’m still trying to figure out how to stand up straight. I start asking myself: am I wasting time? Should I be more focused on getting my life “together”? Am I being foolish for trying to make a long-distance relationship work while everything else is falling apart? Am I *ever* going to make any of this work or is this just a pipe dream that I need to let go of? Some days I think: maybe I’m just not cut out for this. Maybe I’ve been lying to myself about what I’m capable of and I don’t know what direction to go in anymore. I don’t want to give up, but it’s hard to find hope when everything feels so heavy and uncertain. I guess I’m just asking: what do I do from here? * * * Dear Glyn, Everyone in this world will experience a unique journey of some kind. No two lives will be the same, so the first thing you need to do is absolve yourself of the onus that your life should be like someone else's. Just because you don't have a job right now, aren't married with kids and a mortgage, and doing all the things society says are measures of "success" doesn't mean you are lost. You haven't "screwed up" just because you have had some setbacks. Indeed, for all you know, losing that job might turn out to be a blessing. What if you had stayed in that job, doing what was expected of you, working the weekly grind, paying your taxes, etc., and because you were doing that you never discovered that your real talent lay somewhere else entirely? Maybe now you have an opportunity to explore other options. So, first lesson above was "Don't compare yourself to others, and don't compete with them." Second lesson is to put aside what is expected of you and try to explore what you really want to do. You write that you had a passion for that job, but your bosses apparently felt you were struggling too much to keep up. That might be because they were poor managers and gave you too much to do, or it might be that you really couldn't manage the job. If the former is the case, then perhaps you can find similar work with another company and do better there; if the latter is the case, then it may be time to explore other career paths. You are far from unique in switching careers. In fact, it is the norm. Check out this article, for example, which states, among other things, that the average person will change careers 7 times and hold 12 different jobs. The fact that you are 25 and just changing careers for the first time probably even puts you below the curve. So, you lost one job. That's okay. You haven't let anyone down; pretty much everyone loses a job at some point in their lives. You only let others down if you stop trying. Don't give up. You have options. You could look for temporary work in various fields to see what might suit you; you could hire a career counselor; you could go back to school; you could start freelancing in your field of choice and become self-employed. I assure you, that job you lost was not your only shot. You are young and have a LOT of living yet to do. As for your long-distance boyfriend--yes, LDRs are very challenging; yes, if you're not in a good place yourself, it is much more challenging to help others. Just as with the job, though, you're putting too much pressure on yourself. It is not up to you to solve your boyfriend's problems with depression. All you need to do--and all anyone should expect you to do for someone you care about--is be there and listen. That's what relationships are about: leaning on each other in bad times and celebrating good times. You are struggling and so is he. This is a time when you are both lucky enough to have a sympathetic and loving ear to speak to, a shoulder to cry on. Let him talk to you, and you, in turn, should talk to him and share your troubles. You can even cry together. That makes for a beautiful and compassionate relationship, knowing the two of you can be there for each other. That's the job you signed up for. You're not necessarily a "fixer." You're a friend and a confidante. Fortunately, modern tech makes that possible even when you are thousands of miles apart. You can do a video chat on WhatsApp and it's almost like being there. As long as you are there for him to listen and care, you are not failing him. Our modern society often acts like life is a race towards a goal and if you're not in peak condition and running as fast as you can, you're letting down your team. Bullshit. Life is not a race. It's a dance. The purpose of the dance isn't to cross the ballroom floor and exit the room; it's to enjoy the movement, the graceful circles, dips, and sways, which are all the more fun if you have a partner but can be awesome even as a solo (with a nod to Alan Watts). You were not put on this earth to have a career, build a family, buy a house, and hoard money for retirement. While some of those might be involved in the dance, none of them are essential. No, the purpose of life is to discover your humanity and the awesomeness of creation and of life. Other than that, the only necessary things are eating, sleeping, breathing, and excreting waste. Stop trying to achieve goals and fulfill expectations and learn to simply live. Bear Hugs, Papabear Good Morning, Papa Bear,
I've recently graduated college. I'm the first in my family to do so, and I received top honors. I should feel happy, proud, and excited for the future, but instead I feel sad and empty. All of my friends have moved elsewhere, but I'm stuck in my hometown with my parents, working to save up money. I've been applying to jobs related to my degree, but I've only gotten ghosted. Without grades, a degree, or a career path to work towards, I have no clue what to do next with my life. Everyone says 22 is young, but I still feel like I'm falling behind. I've no romantic relationship, no budding career, and no place of my own just yet. How are people supposed to define their paths in life? How do I stop feeling like I'm stuck in some nebulous pit of stagnation? Thank you, Papa Bear, -Anonymous (Wisconsin) * * * Dear Furiend, Pardon my confusion, but you said you graduated college but you don't have a degree or grades? Could you clarify? And, next question, what do you WANT to do with your life? I'll await your response. Papabear * * * I do have a degree--in biology. Just now that college is over, I don't have any clear overarching goals (like a degree, or a good GPA) to work towards, which makes me feel lost. I'm not sure what I want to do with my life. I know it's cliche, but I guess above all I want to be happy. I'd like to cultivate a family I can love and feel loved by. My current family is good, but it is unaccepting of my sexuality and other aspects of my identity, so I never feel free to be authentically myself. I'm not sure what I want from a job--just that I don't feel (totally) miserable going to work each day. This might be a little unrealistic though, haha. Thank you so much. * * * Dear Furiend, There are two things going on here, I believe: 1) your career/schooling, and 2) your private life. When it comes to your goals in life, it sounds like you place having a family above a career. That's terrific. It's good to have priorities and to know what is important in your life. When it comes to careers, though, there are two kinds of jobs: 1) The kind of job you do to make money to pay bills but don't really care about that much, and 2) the kind of job that is your passion, your life, a part of who you are. When your work is something you love, as they say, you won't work a day in your life. It won't be "work" but, rather, a passion, a mission. The field of biology can certainly be that as it can lead to all sorts of different careers from wildlife management to the medical professions to high-tech research to the profitable (and morally dicey) pharmaceutical industry. The thing is, with just a B.S. in biology, your options are limited to things such as lab tech or entry-level research biologist or, perhaps, work at a zoo or aquarium (not that the last one is bad; I tried to be a zookeeper once but my degree was in English so they picked a woman with a biology degree). If you sincerely wish to pursue some kind of career in biology, you really need to go to grad school or medical school. So, I would recommend that you continue to further your education. If financing is an issue, perhaps you can find a job at a company that will help pay for you to go to grad school or--another possibility--find work at a university, and then you can likely attend their programs cost-free because you are an employee. Pursuing your education would certainly set up a new goal for you and you would not feel like you were adrift as you do now. Moving on to your personal life, I am sorry your family is not supportive of your identity. It sounds as if you live in a small town in Wisconsin. What I usually recommend for LGBTQIA writers to my column who live in podunk small towns with conservative parents is that they try and move to a larger city with a more welcoming community. Fortunately for you, cities like Madison and Milwaukee have large LGBTQIA communities where you are much more likely to find a love interest (as well as employers who aren't homophobic or transphobic). There are other cities, too, that aren't bad, including Eau Claire, Superior, and LaCrosse. In general, any city with a fairly sizeable university will lean toward a more liberal and open-minded perspective on people such as you and me. I would start searching for work in these larger areas, especially at colleges and universities that have research labs in the area of biology where you can explore the option I outlined above. Yes, there might be some cost issues, so I would also recommend trying to find a roommate situation--perhaps one of your friends who was wise enough to leave their hometown. If you can't find anything in Wisconsin, then widen your circle to other states until you find something. And don't be too proud to start at the bottom and work your way up. Hey, my first job was at a burger stand. You gotta start somewhere. I hope this helps. If not, write me again! Bear Hugs, Papabear Hi Papabear,
It's my first time writing this letter to your website after I saw your ad on FurAffinity a couple of months ago while I was working at home for a company I don't want to name here. The thing is I have two dilemmas which I'm dealing this moment. The first one is with the family in which my old brother (mid-30s) finally moved out to a new apartment and live there after we had to put up with so much toxicity for everything, even when I had that job the first 3 months of this year. It was so frustrating to live together when he judges from the food that my mom serves (who was a lawyer) to the dirt of this apartment. He pretends to be a rich, entitled dude but he goes to the fancy places (so he works as a sound engineer for live events for some artists) wanting to be part of that society. Also he's kinda narcissistic, specially with his previous ex-girlfriends. I tried to understand him about his past when he decided to go and live with his dad (a lawyer, too) after my mom divorced him; and then realize that the wasn't the ideal home to live, amid of the problems are having with the other family, including their finances. It was an everyday conversation with my mom when she mentions that part and that's why my brother has an inferiority complex due to these problems. But it was a relief to leave the nest and face the reality to live alone and not depending from my mother and I all the time. Leaving that aside, I doubt I could talk with him after he treated and scolded me so badly for being a shy guy and being dependent for my mom. But that's not the way to treat a person like that, even when I'm jobless/unemployed. What should I do in this case? Should I ignore it or try to forgive him? The second issue is more personal. As I'm introvert guy and a degree holder with a little experience in Film and Television, I always wanted to be a full-time content creator and live from it, even though I already tried to write posts on my blog and uploaded videos on my YouTube channel; besides of monetizing and earned a few cents. The problem with this one is I feel remorse of getting late to the party and the constant perfectionism of each content I'm creating. Besides that, I have a lot of insecurities and a lot of episodes of anxiety and depression ending to postpone the main project. I told my mom about how these creators earn money from it and I'm aware that it's not easy to get enough followers in order to monetize the content. And almost always get demotivated (mentally and creative) for this reason, until I wrote a script for a podcast I'm going to make this week. Being a loner has both advantages and disadvantages, so I tried to talk with other furs about the project and some of them was amazed and left some thumbs up, but they never asked me for a feedback or some moral support to keep going and staying afloat. And even I talked with some psychologists and some friends as well. And I also want to learn to draw again and offer some commissions. So, I decided to undertake this path without leaving aside other projects that I have in mind, staring with the screenplays I'm writing. Do you know if there's a way to be more confident with the people I surrond it and myself? I want to overcome this weakness. I'm sorry that this letter is so extensive or long, but I hope this will be helpful for me, Papabear. Thank You, Gabbo The Fox (Colombia, age 28) * * * Hi, Gabbo, Your letter is a little difficult to decipher, I fear, probably because English is your second language, but I think I get your meaning. So, the questions seem to be, in summary: 1) How do I deal with my brother? and 2) How do I gain confidence to become a better podcaster and online personality? Your brother is trying to be a big shot as a way to compensate for his own lack of self-confidence, which probably arose from growing up in a dysfunctional family. In my opinion, he's getting involved with a very shallow, money-grubbing crowd and will likely regret it, eventually. I would not recommend following his lead, and you don't have to accept his criticism of you or your life choices. Whenever he criticizes you, just smile and say, "Thank you for your advice. I will take it under consideration." Then, ignore him and do your own thing. He is a damaged person, and you would be wise not to worry about his opinions. Your second question is slightly related to your first because one of the best things you can do to boost your self-confidence is avoid toxic people like your brother and surround yourself with supportive, loving people. This is not to say you only want to have "yes men" around you (people who just agree with everything you say to make you feel better), but you do want people who care about you and try to support what you are doing in life and career. Another thing you should do, you are already doing: pursue your dream. In this case, you are seeking to develop audio and video content online using what you have learned from your film degree (and congrats to you for completing your degree!). Don't worry if you are struggling at first. Everyone struggles at first! You are finding out that doing stuff for a college class is very different from real-world experience. You are going to have some failures, but the thing is to learn from your failures, grow, and improve. You won't have an instantly huge audience. Audiences take time to build. Be patient and keep at it! If you can do what you love for a living, you will be truly blessed throughout your entire life! Next, don't compare yourself to others. Everyone has different experiences in their career and life paths. Some will be more successful than you, but you are not competing with them. Work on being unique unto yourself, providing people with something that has your own spin, your own personality, your own content. Be an individual and focus on what you are doing now, in the present. If you work hard now and develop your skills, eventually there will be a payoff. Learn what you are best at, where your strengths are, and develop those. Meanwhile, keep an eye open for opportunities. You never know when something might develop that will open doors for you and your career. Also, keep learning new things. The industry you are in is constantly changing and developing. If you can keep up with all these changes, you will be doing better than a lot of your peers. The more you learn, the more skills you develop, and the better you get at your job, the more confidence you will get. One day, you will realize, "Damn! I really know what I'm talking about, and I'm good at it, too!" At that point, you will have arrived. Hugs, Papabear Hello, Papabear.
I saw this on fur affinity, and I'd thought I'd give it a try. I'm a second year college student working on a degree in marketing. I've always been good with numbers and I'm kinda creative so I thought it would be a good choice. Two years in an I'm having doubts. The courses are super challenging. My main skill is creative writing, and I also love geology, but I was afraid those would be not good ideas to take as it's hard to find work in those fields. My main question is this. Should I continue with my degree for 2 more years, or should I do something else? I'm afraid it will take me more than two years to complete because I'm struggling with many courses. What do you think? Dodger the Crocodile * * * Hi, Dodger, Assuming colleges in Canada are similar to the ones in the USA, the first two years of college are typically about taking prerequisite courses in areas such as math and English composition. So, probably many of the courses you have already completed would also work in another major discipline, yes? I mean, if you were aiming at marketing, you'll probably take writing and math courses. Also, if you were doing some graphic arts courses for advertising, artistic skills could apply to, say, cartography in geology majors. Anyway, changing majors in college is a common occurrence, so deciding on a different path is not going to cost you too much time, I think. The best majors to pursue are the ones you have a passion for. Don't pick an area study merely because you think there is money in it. If you love geology, then you should go for it. Furthermore, you seem to be under the misguided notion that there are no careers out there for geologists. Quite the contrary! Geologists are in high demand in areas including:
Anyway, Geology has applications in a wide array of industries. Not only that, but hiring for geologists is predicted to climb 5% a year for the next 10 years, which is faster than growth in many other industries. Therefore, if you have a passion for geology, I think you would do very well in switching majors from marketing and getting a degree in that field. Good luck! Papabear Hello there,
I'm writing this today as I have no else to turn to for advice, no one that will listen at any rate. Despite my best intentions, I have ended up stuck between a rock and a hard place. I work about 12 hours a week in a part time job and am constantly told I am being lazy. The truth is that this is the only job I have ever been good at, but my family tells me constantly to leave and go for anything else... Believe me, I checked, and they haven't, there is nothing else around here job wise. If the rubbish hours and minimum wage wasn't enough, the place is also going under from lack of customers. Two chefs have already left and everyone else is chasing suit. If I stick around I may go down with the ship and could just be let off before Christmas. If I leave now I end up being broke and back on JSA, which I promised myself I would never do again. Is there any advice you can offer? Thanks. * * * Hi, King Rusty, Sorry for the slow reply. Can you tell me more about your current job? Are you working in a restaurant? Where in England do you live? What is your educational background? I need more information before I can give you a decent answer. Hugs, Pbear * * * Thanks for responding. I do work in the UK and I do work in a restaurant; it is more of a pub first, though, but the food is the only real reason people have continued to visit this place in the middle of nowhere. Unfortunately, it has gone even more downhill that when I first sent the message to you. The head chef has quit, the sous chef has left after handing in her notice and our best waitresses have left with her as they look for anything better. The place is really struggling now and with the holidays coming up I now worry about how permanent my place here is. As for my education I would say I did two years at college but harbor no real skills from my time there besides a basic math, English and IT certificates. Nothing astounding anyways. If you require addition info just let me know. Thanks! * * * Hi, again, Being that it sounds as if this job is not going to last you, the only reasonable thing for you to do is start looking for other employment (it is always better to interview when you are employed than when you are out of work). I did a little research and see that, for some reason, restaurants and pubs are struggling in the UK and many are closing. However, since that is your work background, I would start looking in food service—at least in the short term. While there might be no openings last time you checked, that can change at any moment, so keep on the lookout for openings and don’t be too picky (pickiness is a luxury you cannot afford right now). Here are some options/advice:
Good luck! Papabear Dear Papabear,
So I'm having trouble with getting out of my toxic household and commissions haven't been of much help. My job has cut my hours and I feel very lost on how to escape. Been trying to apply to other jobs but so far I've been getting silence and a mountain of rejections. How can I get out of this mess as quickly as possible? Blitz * * * Hi, Blitz, I'd like to have more information before I offer advice on this one, please. Here are some questions: 1. What education do you currently have? 2. What is your current job? 3. What are your career goals? 4. What types of jobs are you applying for? 5. Are you living in a small community with few opportunities, or a large one? 6. What job skills do you currently have? Answering these will help. Hugs, Papabear * * *
Blitz * * * Hi, Blitz, Art therapy can be an immensely satisfying job. I have a friend who is an art therapist in Fresno and he enjoys it greatly. But to get a job in that field you really need at least a master's degree, so after you get your AA, you will need a minimum of three more years of college education. As for working in the video game industry, if you mean as a programmer or designer, you would also need considerably more training. This is an incredibly competitive industry, and only the most avid people who eat, breathe, and live video games have any chance of getting a job. From your email, it doesn't sound to me as if you have the obsession and passion required to succeed here (could be wrong; could be a lot you haven't told me yet). On the short term, if you are simply looking to get some kind of full-time job as a clerk or other similar position, then it would seem to me that being bilingual in Miami would be an enormous benefit; if you don't already do so, you should play that up when you apply to jobs in your area. Since you are interested in finding something that will help you get out of the house sooner, and because it sounds like you're good with computers, I would like to recommend that you start studying to get an IT certification of some sort. There are a wide variety of certifications available, and many of them can be accomplished in a matter of weeks or months. You can also make good money in areas such as network engineer, systems administrator, or (an area that is hugely short of people right now), some type of security analyst. If I were you, this is the course I would steer toward for the short-term, at least. Continue to look for the jobs you are seeking now, but apply to a good IT school and get yourself certified. Then find a better-paying job, move out of the house, and, as time allows, seek your preferred degree in the arts. I hope that is helpful! Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
Long time reader of your column and I've benefited from a lot of the insights found in your work. So, thank you for all that you do for people around the world! To start off with, I am a college student. I take full-time classes, work an on-campus job, run an exec position of a club, and participate in two other clubs. After that, I have all of my friends and personal projects. You can already see that I keep myself very busy and run on very little sleep. But my sleeping pattern isn't what I chose to write to you about. I give so much of myself to everything I do, I've never been known to do anything half-way. The reason is that I love everything that I do, and I have yet to find anything that I haven't found interest in or excelled at naturally. Want an actor, artist, digital designer, costumer, film editor, special effect artist? I'm you're guy. Need a handyman, carpenter, cement layer, minor electrician? I'm also that guy. I love the critical thinking of mathematics, the mystery of chemistry, the factoids and reasoning behind historical events, and the endless storytelling possibilities of writing. That was long-winded, but I truly do so much and I'm always hearing from family: "Oh! But you have so much potential." "You're too smart to be in theatre." "You have such a mind for math." And the endless, "You should do" this and "you should do" that. Currently I'm studying to become a theatre costume tech major, and a dance and Japanese double minor. I made my mind up about that a long time ago. But hearing my family criticize that, or even all the sour looks when I mention going into theatre, really makes me feel hollow about my one solid decision. I take it well. I explain all that I know: that the job field for a technician has a lot less competition than acting. That "one can always find a job as a technician," as I have heard many times from my friends and coworkers. I guess my real issue isn't in coping with my family, or how to communicate with them about MY decision. The issue is how to cope with potential. If life is full of possibilities, and everyone is to find their niche in life, what happens to the people that could fit anywhere? I could do anything and be anything and be happy. But I would be missing out on everything else to dedicate my life to just a few of the things I care about. This must sound like a weird problem to have. I'm sorry if this is confusing. I have always lived my life without restricting myself by saying "I can't do something." Instead, I always found something I liked about what I was doing and found drive in that. My family means well, but all of the constant what-ifs that come from looking into other paths just bring me down. How should I go about reconciling with my family? And settling this gnawing feeling in my gut about everything I might miss out on in life? I know I'm still young. But I thought I would ask your opinion on the matter. Sincerely, Rillee Satranack (North Carolina, age 20) * * * Dear Rillee, The first thing to get out of the way is your concern about your family's opinion. I don't have to tell you that this is your life and your career, so the choice that matters is yours, not theirs. If they are a good family (and I'm sure they are) they aren't going to hate you because you choose some job they don't agree with. Agreed? So put that out of your head right now. With that aside, you're left with the issue of what to do when you have a dozen interests and enjoy them all? Looking at your list of avocations, I can't help but think that, yeah, all of them pertain to the movie industry. I mean, seriously: storytelling is obvious, and so are costumer, film editor, acting, special effects.... But the other stuff all can pertain to moviemaking, as well. Carpentry, cement laying, electrician work are all relevant to set design. Chemistry is relevant to special effects (mathematics, as well). History is relevant to good storytelling. I'm not sure what a "theatre costume tech major" is, but I would suggest you study moviemaking. You don't say what university you go to, but according to this article, the University of North Carolina School of the Arts ranks fourteenth among the best U.S. schools to major in film studies. I'd suggest changing majors to film studies and go for it. You sound like a natural, and you could combine all your interests into one! Good luck, Papabear Dear Papabear,
Over some time I have felt my childhood dreams will not make me successful in the future, and have had people who try to get me to adopt "you cannot have happiness without sadness" or "there is no such thing as a perfect life" that seem needlessly complex. I also read "your child's genius is within his dreams," so I feel torn. My childhood dreams were to have a secret underground bunker with supplies that lets me go on missions, like what you see in movies. Have a space base that was something like the Enterprise from Star Trek, so my imaginary friends and I could save the universe. Have a big house in an isolated place, being taken care of financially, so I could live a simple life free of doubt, worry, fear, not working from paycheck to paycheck, etc.; and I mean a house in the middle of nature, a forest, rolling hills, or where it snows. Is this normal growing up? What should I believe? One side note is my parents have now divorced and I am living with my dad. I wish the best for you! Nick Husky * * * Dear Nick, It’s very nice to have dreams. Dreams can inspire us to do great things. But to achieve those great things requires work. The first “uh oh” I see in your letter is the phrase that you wish to be “taken care of financially.” You mean, someone will just give you all the money you need to achieve your dreams? I would not count on that. But if you mean you would work hard to take care of your financial needs and then move to your lovely home in the woods, that’s doable, assuming you, again, are willing to work for it. Are there dreams that are too big? Such as having an underground bunker or a space base? Hmm, well, there is a billionaire named Richard Branson who founded the private space travel company Virgin Galactic. But Branson achieved this by a huge drive as an entrepreneur, starting a company that would become the Virgin Group when he was still a teenager. Are you willing to work that hard? Don’t let people tell you that you can’t dream, Nick. But, at the same time, if you really want those dreams to come true you need to be willing to do the legwork. Hugs, Papabear P.S. Sorry to hear your parents have divorced. I wish you the best, too. Papabear,
I live with my 24-year-old brother, and my 78-year-old grandfather. My grandfather and my brother pay for the rent and food, more or less, they pay for everything. I contribute to the household by helping my granddad remember to take his medication, helping him cook dinner and clean the house, and making sure he doesn't fall asleep why baking or cooking, which has happened before. My brother and I agreed to this arrangement together and I don't want to get a job, I like the arrangement. Lately, after my brother gets off work, I have been leaving social media to bring him his dinner, and rub pain relieving gel on his joints because he's had arthritis since he was five. My friends hate it even though I have explained in detail that I like our arrangement and why, and they have recently began asking why he can't do things for himself and why he can't act like a grown man. They treat me helping him do things as something that is weird or gross and one went so far as to say I need to get a job and help pay bills because women have equal rights. What is a nice way to ask them to mind their own business? Rosie (age 21) * * * Dear Rosie, I’ve always been of the mindset that whatever works for you is what you should do, as long as you aren’t hurting anyone (including yourself). Taking care of your grandfather and brother, as well as the house, including cooking and so on, is what you enjoy doing, and Papabear thinks that’s fine. Not that long ago, we used to call people like that “homemakers” or the less PC “housewives.” Being a homemaker was considered an honorable and helpful thing to do with one’s life. There was no shame in it. Today, as you’ve experienced, Americans expect both men and women to be career-driven; they should “want to do something with their lives.” Well, who says taking caring for one’s family isn’t doing something? (Note: this doesn’t apply to just women; men make perfectly good homemakers and, in fact, many do so). Papabear agrees with you that there is absolutely nothing wrong with what you are doing with your life so long as you enjoy it and find it fulfilling. That said, you should not be entirely closed-minded to your friends’ advice, not because you need their approval or anything like that, but rather for self-preservation. Let me tell you a short story. My mother was a professional dietician when she met and married my father, and they agreed that when children came along she would quit work, stay at home, and raise me and my sister. All well and good. She didn’t work for decades, and then when the marriage fell apart she ended up with no job prospects because she hadn’t worked for so many years. She had to live with my grandfather, who treated her like a slave until he died (fortunately, she inherited enough from him to survive afterwards). The point is this: had she had a job to fall back on, she wouldn’t have been placed into such awful circumstances for many years. In other words, be prepared. What happens to you on that sad day after your grandfather dies? And then, say, your brother gets married and doesn’t need you rubbing his joints any longer because his wife helps him? You need to think of such things because what works well now could be gone tomorrow. Always have a Plan B. One suggestion I have for you, since you enjoy taking care of others, is a career as—get this—a caregiver. This is a growing business, especially with the soaring number of senior citizens in this country as the Baby Boomers reach retirement. Here is a concise and helpful article about becoming a professional in the field: https://www.caring.com/articles/how-to-become-a-professional-caregiver. You can find employment from businesses that require little or even no previous experience or education, but you will likely do better salary-wise if you get some extra training. Of course, you don’t have to become a caregiver; you could find another job that strikes your fancy, but that is a suggestion from Papabear. I would also suggest you begin exploring your options now, while you are in a comfortable situation, rather than waiting for something to happen when you become desperate for a job. As for the question you ask at the end of your letter, try something like this: “I really appreciate your concern about my welfare and your interest in my life, thank you. Right now, things are working well for me and I’m happy, but I am seriously thinking about what you have said and am exploring my options in life.” Hugs, Papabear |
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An excellent article on coming out LGBT to Christian parents.
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