Hey, Papabear,

Sorry I haven’t written in a while. I’ve just been very busy with woodwork and social stuff. However, recently I’ve been thinking about the sad and dark stuff that happened in 2020 and how so much I wasn’t expecting just how low the year could get.

I’ve been feeling down lately (though I stress I wanna live more than anything). The news and all the horrifying stories about COVID-19 and the horrific crimes committed by police (the fact I now cannot trust them with my life given my mild Autism and hearing about police murdering Aspies [people with Asperger's] is both depressing and disturbing), the numerous deaths of beloved figures from disease, the recent financial recession in my country. Not to mention the natural disasters that occurred earlier in the year and so many events I were looking forward to getting cancelled.

I’ve also suffered a relapse in depression. There are nights where it’s been so overwhelmingly miserable, I just want to cry myself to sleep. I struggle to smile and find the situation so hopeless, I can’t stop frowning. I just wanna smile again and feel hope and light, not this looming despair and darkness that leaves me paranoid of a horrible disease. It’s so scary and uncertain.

I’ve been feeling lonely lately. Trying to get out of the house to help my mother out with shopping and seeing a friend is to try and cheer myself up. It’s hard to feel hopeful when the news is destroying my faith in humanity and the global pandemic is killing so many people. I’m just so overwhelmed.

I also felt a sense of guilt from what happened with Etika. I wanted to help him because I could empathise with him and wanted to help him but when I heard he was blocking people trying to help him, I didn’t do anything because I loved his stuff and I wanted to not bother him. I was scared when I heard about his disappearance and was devastated when I heard the news of his suicide. I’m crying typing this because I feel so guilty I didn’t do anything even if doing something kind meant being blocked for trying to be a good person.

Also, one massive thing that traumatised me and made me feel terrified was my Mum’s so-called friend (I’m just gonna call him “J” even though he has the same name as my brother which I find insulting). I noticed early on in 2019 when J was emotionally abusive to my mum, gaslighting her and making her feel as if he was the only one who truly loved her(my separated father is 10-times the better partner than that bastard). He was also screaming at her at times. I could hear them through the paper thin walls. He threw things and was cruel to her. First time that happened my brother and I (and my dog Jake though neither of us got our shoes on and I couldn’t get my phone or wallet from upstairs) ran out while my Mum called the cops (this is before my trust in them was destroyed this year) and her bloody bruised face still haunts me. Second time it happened at night after he “apologised” to her and threatened to kill himself if she left, I couldn’t take it anymore and screamed at him to get out and stay out! I never once trusted him and my mum screamed at me that I should be glad dad and mum are in separate relationships. I don’t appreciate abuse. I always had a gut feeling not to trust him but I was nice to him anyway before the second time because I wanted to give him a second chance. He even gave me chew lollies but I suspect it was a bribe to shut me up and it didn’t work. I now associate the packet of lollies with that asshole. I hate them.

Both times, he destroyed something in the house (the car park door on the 2nd time) and made my mum cry. I hate myself for being so scared. I hate that man for what he did and it took every bit of willpower not to attack him the second time he attacked my mum. He’s also taller than my mum and me so he’s intimidating. He’s a monster. A cruel, manipulative and evil sack of shit who I hope I NEVER see his face again.

By the way, I should clarify despite my sadness at my parents separating, they’re still good parents who care about me and my siblings.

The 2010s were honestly some of the darkest and lowest points in my life. I was seriously hoping 2020 would actually improve things but it just got worse. I really wanna hope 2021 is slightly better but I have no idea. I wanna be a parent before I’m 30 but I’m worried if I’ll be a good parent given that I remember a social class from primary school when we were given a younger student from another class to help as a “parent” and I wasn’t there for them so they were given to someone else and the kid told me to my face I wasn’t there for them and were disappointed in me. I know it was just a school Project but it haunted me ever since and makes me scared I’ll be a bad parent for real. After some horrible abuse I went through from that shithead, I realised how important my family mean to me. I really wanna be a good loving attentive father one day.

I guess my questions are this: is there any hope for the future and how can I be a better person? Also, hope your leg’s okay, Papa Bear. I was rather worried when I heard the news from you. Stay safe, mate.

From a concerned and unhappy canine.
Sam the Dog

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Dear Sam,

Wow, there is a lot going on in this letter. There are at least four questions here: 1) Given the current state of the world, how can I be optimistic and hopeful about the future? 2) How do I deal with my mom and her abusive boyfriend? 3) Should I be a parent soon? 4) How do I deal with my feelings of guilt regarding Etika? (Please note in future that you are only supposed to ask one question per letter, but I know that writing this down is a catharsis for you, so it's okay this one time.

Let's start with the second one first. Domestic abuse is a serious business. Your mother's boyfriend is emotionally abusive and, it sounds like, even physically so. There is not too much you can do until your mother recognizes this, and there are many psychological reasons too complicated to go into here as to why she might be so reticent to change her life. I'm not sure what Australian police are like, but if you do not trust them to help with domestic abuse problems, I would recommend you contact Lifeline Australia (https://www.lifeline.org.au/), which offers services concerning suicide, domestic abuse, and other crisis support services. Start with them.

Next: Etika. What happened to Etika is not your fault. Could you have done more? Sure, you could have tried to talk to him more or recommend help for him, but ultimately his choices were his own. You do not own other people's fates; you only own your own fate.

Should you try and be a parent before you are 30? Ideally, in my opinion, no one should try to be a parent until they have their shit together, but if I could somehow enforce that, Homo sapiens would become extinct in a couple of generations. Almost no one has their shit completely together, so the second option would be to have your shit mostly together, meaning you had enough income and could provide a stable environment to nurture a child into adulthood. Do not become a parent for your own selfish reasons (I cannot count how many times I have heard people say, "I want a baby so I have someone to love me" or "I want a baby so I have someone to take care of me in my old age" or "I want a baby so that I can have someone to carry on my legacy.") All of these reasons are wrong reasons for bringing a human being into the world. So, ask yourself: "WHY do I want to bring a child into this crazy world?"

Lastly, the BIG question: How can one be optimistic about the future in such a grim year? To get a grip on this, one must accept that life goes in cycles. There are good periods in history and bad ones; economic good times and depressions; periods of political stability and periods of unrest. I sympathize with your unease in this Time of Trump, which is simply horrible. I am very nervous that our American republic is being destroyed and we are regressing into a past when racism ran rampant and when destroying the environment was the status quo. Right now, it is about 50/50 as to which path we will follow in November, and it is truly disturbing how many Americans still support Trump and his evil reign of hatred and racism. Let us hope that voters will turn things around, but if not, and we get four years (or more) of Trump, even then there is still hope because, as noted, eventually evil is overthrown and things improve. The only question is whether that happens sooner or later. Of course, you are in Australia, which is a stable, fairly socialist country (compared to the US), so you should be okay, especially since Australia is doing better handling the COVID-19 pandemic than many countries (South Australia is considered one of the safest places on Earth regarding the coronavirus). I think you will be okay. Hang in there.

Looking worldwide rather than just in Australia, yes, there has been a definite swing toward right-wing regimes in recent years. Countries including the USA, Brazil, the UK, Hungary, Poland, and Austria have growing right-wing movements. This is the result of a couple of things, including reactionary movements against immigration and the success of liberal legislation giving rise to counter-legislation. Basically, white, conservative Christians fearing they are losing power to brown-skinned people who follow other faiths or who are liberal socialists. So, we get a political phenomenon based on changing world demographics. As with any active system, there is turbulence during a transition from one equilibrium to the next. Things will settle down eventually, but it could take decades.

You can't take on the world by yourself. But I do like the saying, "Think globally, act locally." If you wish to do something, get involved in local political, social, and environmental groups, and see if you can lend them a hand. That will ease your sense of being powerless because you will be doing something constructive.

Good Luck to You! Take Care! Bear Hugs!
Papabear​

Dear Papabear,

I am currently a politics student with aspirations to enter the world of politics later on in life, either as a councilor or as a Member of Parliament. However, I am concerned that, as a politician, my private life would come under much scrutiny by the media, including my identification as a furry. Based on your doubtless rich experience and opinion, do you think that it would be wise for a furry like me, whom nobody outside of the furry community knows that I am, to go into politics?

Many Thanks and Kind Regards,

Dai

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Dear Dai,

While I’m more familiar with politics in the U.S. than in Britain, it’s pretty much a cutthroat occupation, wherever in the world you may go. You can be assured that, should you run for public office, your private life will be scrutinized with a tweezer and microscope. And if any flaws—real or perceived—are discovered by an opponent, they will be used against you. It seems that these days more elections are won based on attacking one’s opponent, rather than running on one’s own merits.

Being a furry is not a flaw, of course, but you can imagine how it will go for you once someone discovers a site such as e621.net and calls you a furvert.

But, many people of various minorities have run for office, been attacked, and won. Public office used to be the domain solely of white, straight (or apparently straight) men. Britain has been a bit ahead of America in terms of accepting minorities into their government. In 1790, Robert Jenkinson (an Anglo-Indian) was elected to Parliament. And there have been quite a few minorities in Parliament since then.

It took longer for a gay man to be accepted in Parliament. Being gay in the UK was illegal until the Sexual Offenses Act of 1967, as you probably know (think of poor victims of this law, ranging from Oscar Wilde to Alan Turing). Since then, LGBT people have slowly been gaining ground and offices.

Now, if LGBT people—who were once considered deviants to a criminal degree—can gain acceptance, I believe a furry can, too (and more easily in Britain than in America, where half the population still thinks the Confederacy should have won). Really, it depends upon you and how willing you are to stick up for your furriness. You could, I suppose, hide or abandon that side of you in favor of your political career, or you could not hide it at all and assert your right to be who you are, including the best politician you can be.

There is some good news, too, concerning furries and acceptance. As with the LGBT community, there has been a slow turning around of public opinion about furries that is represented in articles such as this one from the Huffington Post.

I can’t make that decision for you about your career, but I would say that if you have a passion for public service and you abandoned it out of fear of your being a furry, then that would be quite a shame and a loss to your community. I, for one, would be very proud of you if you put aside your fears and won even a small, local election; that could be the start of an amazing future for you.

Good Luck,

Papabear

Dear Papabear,

Thank you reading this letter. After reading your replies to my previous letters, my problems became easier to deal with, and I can't thank you enough for all the help you provided. You're great!

As months passed since I last wrote to you, my O.C.D. symptoms diminished, and I feel ever closer to being cured. My obsession with cleanliness disappeared, as well as my fears of religion, which allowed me to freely assume that I am agnostic. My interest in a male partner vanished completely, and I lost all interest in males. I don't know whether it was a phase, or my O.C.D., though it matters little. To cut a long story short, things are much better now, thanks to your help. 

But unfortunately, they are not perfect. As my O.C.D. symptoms became less and less frequent, my colleagues started to mock me more and more. They are aware of my condition (it became obvious when my condition was worse), but they still laugh at me, as well as my teachers and people on general, and it became impossible to put up with. 

It can't say it didn't affect me. I think I grew to become a misanthrope. In the future, I plan to move to another country. Both because I want to and because I feel like I need to turn over a new leaf. And here lies the problem.

I am a nationalist, in the good sense of the word, of course. And while I'd rather see my country flourish, it lies in ruins. The economy is bad, unemployment is rising, and I can't live anymore. Not in here. 

But I want to do the best I can in the new country I call home. I want to contribute to society to obtain a new citizenship, and to be able to feel like a nationalist in my new country. 

My question is the following: Can I become a nationalist in a new country, in a new place that I'll call home? If so, what do you call that? Is there a specific definition for an immigrant who becomes a nationalist and loves his new-found home?

Thank you for your time.

Best wishes,

C-Ratchet (age 20)

* * *

Hi, C-Ratchet,

Thank you for telling me about your progress with OCD; I’m glad you’re doing better. Remember that, just because the symptoms are getting better, you should stay on top of this to make sure that you don’t regress back to where you were originally.

I am puzzled as to why people would start mocking you more and more as your OCD lessened. What are they mocking you about? It isn’t clear in your letter, but let’s move on to your interest in emigrating to another country.

The first point I must make is that moving is not a solution to escaping people you don’t like, and if you are, indeed, a misanthrope, you will certainly not escape that problem unless you live in a cave or in the wilderness all by yourself. Barring that, you will find that people are people, wherever you may go. Could it be that you are simply more aware of them mocking you because you are not preoccupied with your OCD symptoms and, hence, able to observe others’ behavior more? The question also becomes: are they really mocking you or are you taking offense to some perceived slights on their part? It is difficult for me to say without being more informed of the circumstances.

Let’s say, however, that you simply wish to make a new start. Why another country? Why not just another region of this country? America is quite diverse, and you will find that living in the Midwest is very culturally different from living in Southern California, which is different from living in New England, which is very different from living in Louisiana or Hawaii or Alaska, and so forth. Perhaps you don’t need to go to such an extreme as becoming an expat and could find happiness by discovering a region of the country you aver to love so well that is more suited to your sensibilities.

Barring all that, and asserting that all Americans are inconsiderate ass-wipes who will mock you wherever you go and there is no region of the country where you can escape such abuse, let’s talk emigration.

Is it possible to become a patriot and nationalist of your new country? Certainly! People immigrating to America have done so for centuries, and it works in reverse, too. Depending on which country you go to, you will have to explore their legal processes in becoming a citizen. Also, don’t forget the possibility of holding a dual citizenship in your old and new countries. I would very much recommend this, because you can never know what might happen, and it would be wise to leave your options open and be able to return to the U.S. should the need arise.

Keep in mind the culture shock effect, too. Depending on your tolerance for such, and your skills in learning languages, this will determine whether you might prefer moving to an Anglo-type country like Canada or Australia versus something more extreme, like the Czech Republic or Botswana. Such a drastic move takes a lot of preparation. Research the laws and customs of the country you plan to move to and you will adapt better.

Papabear recommends, still, that before you take such a drastic leap in your life you should reconsider and explore your options right here in the U.S.  I am reminded of a dear friend of mine who became very disgruntled with the United States and decided to move to Norway with her husband. While some things were better (she broke an ankle slipping on the ice—because Norway is an ice rink 12 months a year—and it was quickly repaired by the efficient medical system there at no expense to her, thank you very much), but other things were much worse. She found that she and her husband were treated very poorly by some people there and that the living expenses were so high that they could barely get by, so it didn’t work out very well. She's now living in Arizona.

While moving to a new area can, indeed, be a fresh start, do so for the right reasons. Yogi and I moved from Michigan to California to be closer to our parents, because the economy was better, because the weather is MUCH better, and because the community here in the Coachella Valley is accepting of gay couples. Those are good reasons. Other good reasons would be to leave because you are seeking political asylum or you are being oppressed for your religion, which is why so many came to this country. In other words, because people are trying to kill or imprison you, which I don’t think is happening in your case :-P

A bad reason is to move away because you are trying to run away from your problems that lie within. That is, problems that may stem from you more than the environment you are in. If people are taunting you, perhaps instead of running away you should stick up for yourself and prove your mockers that they are wrong. If they are attacking you because of a physical or psychological handicap, for example, you may have reason to consult an attorney and take legal action. You are 20 years old; old enough to assert yourself and tell people like that to (pardon my French) fuck off.

If what upsets you is the current economic and political situation in the United States, maybe instead of running away from it you could become part of the solution by becoming politically active in your community and trying to help your country. That’s something patriots do, doncha know. When Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, John Adams, Benjamin Franklin and the other Founding Fathers got pissed about the situation in the Colonies, they combined the two strategies above, first telling King George, "To be sure, Your Highness, the flaccid organ betwixt your noble legs should thus fit cozily within your anal region," and then, instead of leaving, they carried political activism to extremes.

You ask what do you call someone who moves to another country and adopts that place as his or her home. You can call that person a nationalist or patriot, just as you would here in America. Or you could call that person someone who is trying to hide from life. Which are you?

Think about it.

Papabear

Hello again Papabear,

Writing you again for a different issue that I'm having. Though I'm pleased to report that I've been feeling better and haven't had as many thoughts of suicide. :)

On to my problem, I've noticed over the many years that I've been a part of this fandom (and the short time I've been in the brony fandom as well) that quite a few people are very active politically. This is great! I love that people in my age group (18-25) are taking politics seriously. However ... it did not take long to notice that most furries/bronies are at the opposite spectrum from me. 

Yes, I am a conservative and registered Republican. Though I consider my party affiliation/ideals to be more along the lines of a Libertarian, I usually vote Republican. 

This has caused ... rifts between me and the vast majority of furries when politics is brought up. While I consider myself very calm and tolerant of others beliefs/opinions, most furries who engage me spew a surprising amount of hatred my way just because of my party. 

I cannot begin to express how much this upsets me. I feel as though the majority of the fandom has decreed that I'm not allowed to have an opinion and if I say anything that goes against them, I'm the target of extreme hatred. 

At this juncture I'm at a loss for what to do, I was even hesitant to write to you as I know you also share a differing political views than I. It seems that whenever politics is brought up, I cannot respond, because doing so brings a torrent of angry people leaving nasty comments/DMs. I've tried to explain my position rationally and logically but no one wants to listen. They immediately pass judgment and lump me in with the crazed religious Right. Which couldn't be farther from the truth. I support gay marriage, I'm pro-choice, and yet they all seem to treat me like some vile scum unworthy of respect. It feels like I'm forced to listen to what they have to say but if I try to get in a word edgewise I'm immediately treated like garbage. 

Basically, what can I do? I just want other furries/bronies to show my views the same respect I show theirs, am I asking too much? 

-Towyn

* * *

Dear Towyn,

Thank you for a very interesting and germane letter in this political season. I’m flattered that you would write to me despite your fears that I might pass judgment on you on this topic. I hope the below will alleviate that fear (and everyone’s fear) that Papabear would do something like that about any subject, no matter how controversial.

As with many issues that Papabear addresses, I feel I can speak with some authority on this one because of my experience. It might surprise many of Papabear’s readers that he was once a registered Republican and voted for Ronald Reagan—twice. 

But while I believe in some of the values of the Republicans, such as less government control on states’ rights to manage how they spend their tax money (I used to live in a “donor state” of Michigan that gives the government more money than they receive in aid, and I believe California is the same way). The Republicans used to have “paws off” policies concerning people’s private lives, as well. For example, President Reagan believed that government should have nothing to do with abortion or other things we do in the bedroom.

But then the Christian Right and other conservative extremists took over the Republican Party, and it became the party against a woman’s right to choose and against gay marriage and other issues that are none of their business. Once that happened, they lost me as a supporter. Doubly so when I learned, much to my chagrin, that Republican presidents, despite averring that they were more fiscally responsible and conservative, actually spent MORE money and ran up the deficit MORE than Democrat administrations (Clinton, a Democrat, did the most to balance the budget of any 20th century president). There may be some argument about President Obama’s spending, but a lot of that was to shore up the egregious fiscal irresponsibility of the previous administration (Republican) and with being saddled with two wars (started by a Republican).

The problem in our country today is that both parties still have some good ideas to offer BUT THEY WON’T LISTEN TO EACH OTHER and they won’t compromise. It has all become about political agendas, what to do to stay in power, which is something the great George Orwell correctly predicted, RATHER than helping the PEOPLE of this country! Grrrrr!

*Pant pant* LOL. Okay, Towyn, maybe you see the ol’ bear’s point that politics is a very hot issue. Just as with religion, people have strong opinions and are often unwilling to listen. Papabear is guilty of that sometimes. I have a very VERY conservative uncle in Texas who kept sending me anti-Obama emails. Finally, I got sick of it and stopped reading. I have a furry friend who is a horse who is quite conservative. It’s actually interesting to chat with him, and although I only agree with him once in a while, sometimes he points out things I haven’t thought about and has persuaded me occasionally.

What many in the furry community need to practice is tolerance on this topic. It is interesting that we seem to be cool with other religions, races, sexual identities, etc., but you are correct, Towyn, that on politics we seem to be less tolerant.

It is wrong for other furries to get mad at you just because you have some conservative views, just as it would be wrong for conservative furries to get angry at those who are liberals. Papabear thinks you are running into this problem a lot because you are probably chiming in on various social network discussions rather haphazardly with your opinions. Because there are a LOT of liberal furries out there, you are setting yourself up for an attack.

My suggestion would be that you refrain from such open discussions and, instead, keep such conversations where they are more apt to be listened to and debated intelligently, such as the Political Furs group on Furry4Life: http://furry4life.org/group/politicalfurs.  You can also form your own group. You could create a Libertarian Furries group on FB, for instance, and welcome those with more conservative views. OR, you can start a No Drama Political Views group or something like that, where both sides are encouraged to debate intelligently without the fear of being banned because of their views.

I hope your previous experience with political flaming won’t turn you off the fandom and that, instead, you will proceed constructively as suggested above.

Good luck! And big HUGS from a gay liberal bear LOL!

Papabear