Mon, 11 May 2026 17:34:27 -0700WeeblySun, 10 May 2026 19:37:30 GMThttps://www.askpapabear.com/letters/furry-apparently-didnt-understand-what-an-adoptable-isDear Papabear,

I bought an Adoption of a fursona (my current now) and spent a lot of money on it just to realize that it was copied from an existing suit and resold. Is my fursona worth anything anymore if it's a copy of an existing one? Even if I put so much soul in it (artworks, lore, merch...)? I feel cheated, especially after I liked my fursona so much.

I don't know if it's going to be the same if I make a new fursona... I really love the fandom, but I don't feel like I'm really happy in it. It's why I became an artist!

Do I continue with something I love even if it hurts my mental health after all that it caused?

Anonymous (age 18)

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Dear Furiend,

I'm guessing that perhaps you didn't really understand what an adoptable is. To clarify, adoptables are when artists create a kind of template--line art, usually--that a customer can then customize with choices of colors and textures. This is a quick way for an artist to create commissions for multiple customers. They only have to draw one character and then simply colorize it according to what a customer wants. The advantage for the artists is speed; the advantage for customers is that adoptables are usually much cheaper than a completely unique piece of art. So, when you say you "spent a lot of money on it," I find that a little surprising because, again, usually adoptables are fairly inexpensive (usually around $10 US; if you paid much more than that, then yes, you got cheated). I'm sorry you didn't understand what an adoptable is, but the artist wasn't ripping you off. They told you it was an adoptable and assumed you knew what that meant.

I'm not sure what you mean by "is my fursona worth anything?" If you mean money-wise; no, adoptables aren't worth much. If you mean to you personally, well, you said you loved it, yes? If you love it, what does it matter that it is an adoptable? 

Here's what I recommend: Take the idea of your fursona and make unique art for it. You say you are an artist. If so, why don't you draw your fursona yourself? That's kind of the part I don't get. If I could draw worth a damn, I would draw my own fursonas using my style and, in that way, make it totally unique to me. So, if the adoptable you paid for upsets you, toss it in the bin. You lost some money on it, sure, but consider it a lesson learned and move on. The author didn't cheat you, so please don't think that, unless they charged you more than $20. There's no reason this should hurt your mental health. You just made a mistake based on a lack of understanding of that particular area of furry commissions. I would encourage you to pursue your own art or, if you like to explore furry arts, find some artists whose styles you like and commission an OC--original character.

Don't let this cause you any grief or upset. It's not worth it. Now that you know, you can continue to explore the furry art scene more knowledgeably. 

Hope that helps!

Bear Hugs,
Papabear]]>Fri, 17 Apr 2026 22:05:35 GMThttps://www.askpapabear.com/letters/tunisian-furry-desperately-seeks-connectionDear Papabear,

I know you wouldn't ask for the story of my life before you see my question, but I want to tell you the reason why I am here right now feeling sad on my bed, trying not to sob, and I haven't revised anything for my test tomorrow at college. OK, so I was like that kid who was considered, ahem ahem, "gifted," and I was taking excellent marks, and of course those excellent marks were brought about by staying at home and doing nothing but studying, so I didn't meet anyone outside and didn't have Friends.

At the age of 13, I thought to myself: "Should I really get married, or, have a relationship with a girl?" So, I was going in the route of realizing that I might be ace (mind you, I didn't hear about the LGBT community yet). 

But then one day everything changed. It was 2021, and I was 15 on YouTube watching those animated stories like Jaiden Animations and such. And then one YouTube recommendation came in. It was like an edit, but for a furry bara character. I don't remember who it was.

But then I went to the channel, found some videos of the same thing, and then I went to the community posts section. And one of those posts had a Pornhub link. And here we are, a 15-year-old boy from Tunisia, at 2 am, watching videos on Pornhub about characters from Tokyo Afterschool Summoners f*cking each other.

And that's how I knew about both the gay and the furry communities; and then I started searching more things about it on YouTube and Google Chrome, from videos, to drawings, to comics, with the latter being the reason on why I am very good at English compared to my other classmates. I was addicted to gay yiff comics so much; I must have read thousands of them. And then the content on YouTube changed to furries and the LGBTQ community, and those niche games surrounding about it. And here we are.

It is so weird how I literally went directly into watching gay furry porn. Not even straight or even gay porn. Like, literally, gay yiff. That's like skipping the tutorial, the cut scenes, and all the missions, and directly going to the final boss. OK, I know that I am totally very thrilled to ask someone sane enough to comprehend my situation because, basically, I really hate how my life is looking like right now.

First thing first: I need to say that I am a gay furry (hehe--who knew) who lives in a place that is, well, to not say a lot of bad things, I'll just mention about how it's hard to be gay here. I have never come out, and I say that literally with how I'm witnessing people here reacting to coming-outs and shaming the people who are queer in this community, let alone my religious family. Then what would happen if I told them that I'm a furry?

Also, my place here has nothing like the western world: there are furcons, furmeets, fursuits, basically anything in which someone new who joins the fandom can have the opportunity to explore and discover themself. Meanwhile, since this country is like a desert, there are neither furcons, nor furmeets, nor furries (for now), nor anything totally. I hate being that person, but I am jealous with the situation there in America.

I hate the way I am feeling with myself and how I question myself if my current identity is really who I am. I don't know if staying closeted sounds healthy to me. I would be totally happy if I could immigrate from here to somewhere else (in a sensible and reasonable way; I don't want to find myself struggling to swim in the middle of the ocean because my boat got drowned), so I can be who I really am. I hate looking at videos of people having fun while I'm sitting here helpless with no experience in kissing men at all.

I have a friend online whom I consider my best friend, and when I asked him for advice, he told me that you can see what the internet says. But I wasn't sure, to be honest. And another guy suggested using ChatGPT, since it saves a lot of time and work, and for me I wouldn't even touch that thing since it can say some wrong things, adding to the fact that it is unethical right now to use that tool. And now, while I was searching about a website that shows me locations of furries all over the world, I found your website, and I am very glad to find such a nice, intelligent, sane person is on the internet whom I can vent to and ask politely to give me some advice from his experience as a greymuzzle.

So please, for the love of Anubis, what would you do if you were my place in order to find my people and my happiness?

Sincerely,
Adem (age 20, Tunisia)

* * *

Dear Adem,

Being a citizen of any Muslim country is difficult if you are LGBTQ or furry or pretty much anything that is not conforming to Muslim society standards, as you know. When it comes to Arab countries, Tunisia is, surprisingly, ranked as one of the more "liberal" in terms of the law, along with Lebanon and Jordan. If it weren't for the fact that Lebanon is being bombed by Israel right now, I might recommend you move there as that country is quite relaxed on social laws, relatively speaking. But, since you speak English, you have other opportunities. One excellent choice might be Canada, for example. Or perhaps Australia. 

I'm not sure how possible it is for you to migrate, but I can say for certain that if you remain in Tunisia you will have to stay in the closet. If you don't, you will just be in for a lot of grief ranging from family disapproval all the way up to possible arrest and imprisonment. So, please do not come out to people in your native land. I know that stinks, but it is the sad reality.

One thing I can do, though, is point you to some help. It is very difficult to be facing your situation all alone, but there are two organizations in Tunisia that you can contact to get some support: Association Shams advocates for sexual minority rights in Tunisia and can be contacted on Instagram at @shamsassociation; the other is called Mawjoudin and is also an advocacy group for LGBTQ people in Tunisia.

There is a little good news in Tunisia when it comes to your rights in that there is a growing political movement to repeal Article 230, the provision in Tunisian law that makes homosexuality illegal. Surveys in your country also show that 18% of the people support decriminalizing homosexuality. It's a start, but it will take a long time to grow that minority into a majority, and you might not wish to wait. Or, perhaps, you might wish to help and maybe join one of the organizations I mentioned above.

As for the furry community, you are pretty much out of luck there. There are no furry groups, meets, or conventions in Tunisia (indeed, the only one in the entire continent is in distant South Africa), so if you wish to ever have that experience, you'll need to go to Europe. Meanwhile, you're stuck with what is on the internet. Fortunately, you have internet! So, that helps! Increasingly, furries are holding furcons in the virtual world. The biggest of these is called Furality. If you enjoy virtual reality and have the computer power to participate, I would highly recommend it for you as the most viable option for the time being. Other online experiences include VRchat and SecondLife, both of which have thriving furry communities where you can make lots of furry friends (VRchat has become more popular than the older SecondLife, FYI).

I'm sorry I don't have better news for you, but I hope this helps some. Do not feel guilty for being who you are. You are not a bad person for being gay or for being a furry. The problem is with intolerant societies that can't accept people who do not conform. But, as I said, because you live in one such strict society, I strongly recommend not coming out to anyone in your family, at work, or Tunisian society in general. You will need to remain online, at least until you are either able to emigrate to a more tolerant country or Tunisia itself changes dramatically.

Thank you for writing. I wish you luck, and if you have other questions, feel free to write again.

Bear Hugs,
Papabear]]>Sat, 11 Apr 2026 23:35:56 GMThttps://www.askpapabear.com/letters/christian-rules-about-sex-were-established-for-reasons-having-nothing-to-do-with-sinDear Papabear,

Hi. It's a pleasure to meet you. I have a question since I'm bisexual, and ... the Bible says being with the same sex is bad. And I'm also poly with a bunch of boyfriends. If I repent, how do I break up with them? Only because I feel guilty with the same sex, which I'm trying my best not to fall into that again. If you could help me that would be great. I just don't want to hurt anyone. Thanks for reading this and still it's a pleasure to meet you, Papabear.

Rock (age 24)

* * *

Dear Rock,

You have no need to repent or to break up with anyone you don't want to break up with. You have done nothing wrong in God's eyes. There are many rules in the Bible--a book written by human beings, by the way--that are there to enforce social order and to encourage a stable society that can be controlled. Period. For example, there are many rules about what foods you can and can't eat (rules you probably violate because they are in the Old Testament and followed more by Orthodox and Conservative Jews these days than they are by Christians). For example, rules about eating pork found in Leviticus 11:7-8 and Deuteronomy 14:8 are there because back when these passages were written it was more dangerous to eat pork because it could make you sick. It was also prohibited to cook meat and milk together (Exodus 23:19 and 34:26, Deuteronomy 14:21) for similar reasons. The writers of the Bible put such rules in and say they are the commandments from God because, let's face it, it was a lot easier to make people obey dietary rules for their health by saying "God tells you to do it that way" than to explain how it might make you sick and that your leaders are the ones telling you to eat in certain ways. 

The same is true for any rules about sex in the Bible. In the Old Testament, it should be noted, King David had at least eight wives and many many concubines. King Solomon had a thousand wives and concubines. Do you think they are burning in Hell now? Probably not, although supposedly this is why God eventually divided Solomon's kingdom. David wasn't really punished for his eight wives per se, but he was mostly punished for fooling around with Bathsheba. Despite this, David and Solomon are considered Israel's greatest kings in history, and the Christians make it very clear that it is important to note that Jesus is a descendant of David in order to preserve the idea of a royal Jewish lineage.

Anyway, it's fair to say that in the Old Testament they were a bit more lax with the whole monogamy thing, and nobody seemed to mind concubines at all LOL. No, the real reason heterosexual, monogamous marriages are stressed are to create stable families for the sake of society. 

In this concise article from Psychology Today, psychologist Arash Emamzadeh explains the theories as to why religions such as Christianity stress rules enforcing monogamy. These include:

1. Monogamous parents tended to have more children than poly parents
2. They tended to raise healthy children more successfully
3. It was easier financially to raise children in a two-parent, monogamous household (more stable sources of food and shelter, for example)
4. Religious partners are seen as more stable and reliable to their mates, making a stable relationship also more likely

Another reason not discussed in the above article is that having a stable monogamous relationship greatly decreases--if not entirely eliminates--the possibility of sexually transmitted infections.

There is actually a lot to be said for the above. We have seen in modern society how increased promiscuity, the decline of the institution of marriage, and the destabilization of the traditional family have caused such problems as children living in one-parent homes and suffering increased financial hardships, psychological problems such as depression and anxiety, struggles in education, and even increased crime, drug use, and alcoholism. In short, Christians will tell you that being LGBTQ or poly or anything that is not hetero and monogamous is a "sin" (whether they do so consciously or subconsciously) because they are trying to control your behavior and they feel the only way to do this is to scare you and to make you feel like a bad person. It's a strategy that works, but it is also a strategy that causes a lot of trauma in people, including self-hatred and despair.

What I'm trying to explain, Rock, is that you are being made to feel guilty not because you are a bad person but because you are part of a society that is trying to control you for the benefit of the social order, and not because God will see you as a sinner (although according to Christians we are all sinners, so not sure why it matters).

I'm not saying don't be a Christian or don't be poly or don't be gay. You don't actually have to make a choice. There are many LGBTQ Christians out there. And there are also Christian Furry groups such as the Christian Furry Fellowship. I suggest you look into these churches and organizations to increase your chances of finding people of faith who will love and appreciate you for you. 

You are fine just the way you are, Rock. And you are loved.

Blessed Be,

Papabear]]>Fri, 03 Apr 2026 19:42:38 GMThttps://www.askpapabear.com/letters/10-year-old-asks-if-she-should-be-a-furryDear Papabear,

Hi there! This is my first time using this platform. Anyhow, I was wondering should I be a furry? My parents think I’m trying to get closer to these possive therians at school, but this is how I express myself. I’m not sure if I want a fursona head but my parents say it’s OK. What do you think I should do?

Chip da Cat (age 10)

* * *

Hi, Chip,

Thank you for your letter. Please read the following and have your parents read it, too, for their information.

To answer you, it all depends on what you mean by being a furry. If for you it simply means enjoying furry cartoons, movies, TV shows, etc., and maybe getting a fursuit head, there is certainly nothing wrong with that. And if you have some friends in school who are furries or therians and you enjoy hanging out with them, that is also okay. Another option is to invite furry friends to your home, where you can play games or watch TV shows, which is a safe and fun activity. Now, I'm not sure what a "possive" therian is, but you should know that therians aren't really the same as furries. Indeed, the people who call themselves "therians" these days use a different definition than we did back before you were born. Often, it means simply wearing ears and a tail and running around doing quadrobics (running on all fours). This is usually harmless, although as you know human beings were not meant to run on all fours, so this activity can potentially cause injury to your back, hands, and joints. Here is some helpful information on that which you should read, please: Quadrobics: Ultimate Guide to All-Fours Fitness [2025].

If you want to get active in the fandom and do something like go to a furry convention (furcon), then you will of course need your parents to accompany you since you are 10 years old. Many cons allow minors such as yourself to attend as long as a parent or guardian accompanies them, but some do not. I don't know where Broadmoor Rd is, since you do not provide a city or state, but you can look up conventions using this handy resource: Future Furry Convention Calendar | FurryCons.com. If there is a convention near you, check out their website to see what guidelines they have concerning attendees under the age of 18.

When it comes to the furry online community, this is a trickier thing. You need to be aware--if you are not already--that there is a lot of "adult" material online. This is true of furry and non-furry stuff alike when it comes to the internet, and even if you are not doing furry stuff on your computer or phone (if you have a phone), you should always have a parent supervise what you are doing. It sounds like your parents are pretty cool, so this should be something you talk to them about. There are a lot of nice people online, but sometimes there are bad people such as bullies and trolls, and you really have to be careful about that, Chip, sorry to say. 

When done correctly, the furry community can be a great way to have fun and make new friends as well as express yourself creatively. At your young age, though, you should do it with parental supervision at all times. When parents and kids team up to have fun, it can be a wonderful thing, and I feel pretty confident in saying that your parents are open to that, so that is great!

If you or your parents have further questions, please feel free to write me directly at this email address.

Welcome to the Fandom :3

Bear Hugs,
Papabear
​]]>Sun, 29 Mar 2026 23:41:39 GMThttps://www.askpapabear.com/letters/is-it-catfishing-if-your-fursonas-sex-is-not-the-same-as-your-ownDear Papabear,

I’ve read many of your columns, and I’ve always admired how kind and thoughtful you are with the people who write to you. I’ve been nervous about reaching out, but I finally worked up the courage because I don’t really know who else to ask about this.

I’m a woman IRL, but my fursona is a male coyote. He helps me express myself more freely and feel more confident socially. I also tend to connect more easily with guys than with women, so having a male fursona feels natural and comfortable for me.

I want to be honest about that in my profile, but I’m not sure how to say it in a way that’s clear without sounding awkward or like I’m trying to hide something. My worry is that people might think I’m being deceptive or “catfishing” because I’m female behind a male character. I’m happily married and only looking to make positive friendships, but I’m afraid people might misunderstand.

In the past, I’ve had several friendships with women end in betrayal, while my friendships with men have generally been more straightforward and honest. That’s part of why a male fursona feels safer for me, even if I’m not sure how to explain that ^o^;;;

I also know that male characters are more common and tend to get more attention in the furry fandom, and I’m worried that having a male fursona might look like I’m trying to take advantage of that, especially since I hope to take commissions in the future.

I don’t want to mislead anyone or make people uncomfortable. Could you help me understand whether it’s okay to have a male fursona as a woman, and how to navigate this in my profile without crossing any boundaries?

Thank you for your time and for all the kindness you show in your work.

Anonymous

* * *

Dear Furiend,

Thank you for your kind words and for your letter on an interesting issue. I could probably talk about this topic for many pages, but I will try to keep my reply fairly concise yet informative.

To begin with, judging by your letter, you are not trans but are fine with being a woman IRL. It's just that you enjoy projecting a male sex in your fursona for the sake of personal interactions within the fandom. I will write my response with this in mind.

There are two main points to respond to in your letter. I, being very German in my attitudes, will now proceed with a very short numbered list :3

1. Male characters (fursonas) are more common than females in the fandom for the simple fact that there are a lot more men actively participating in the fandom than women. According to FurScience, males outnumber females by a margin of about 3 to 1. There are many reasons for this, really, that have to do with the fact that young males, especially, tend to be the largest demographic in fantasy, sci fi, and other fandoms in general. When it comes to fantasy/sci-fi, genre writing tends to be of a type that is packed with action and violence and dangerous adventures, which are subjects that tend to appeal more to the masculine gender. The furry fandom is strongly tied to these genres, too, as well as to anime, which tend to, again, have plots dealing with action. Women, on the other hand, tend more to enjoy fiction involving romance, mysteries, political intrigue, and generally less-violent plots. This is, I must stress, a gross generalization, but it tends to be true. There are, of course, women who like more action, and so it is not surprising that there is a good percentage of women furries (about 25%, a figurte, I believe, that is increasing), just not a majority. If you are someone who also likes action and adventure, furry fiction can definitely provide that. Also (have to mention), males tend to be more attracted to adult themes of which there is a preponderance in this fandom.

2. You do not have to be LGBTQIA to be interested in exploring a fursona of an opposite gender. I would like to compare this to the phenomenon of male cross dressers. As you might know, about 80% of cross dressers are cis hetero males, followed by cis gay males, neither of whom have any desire to transition. According to this article, some reasons that men cross dress include a simple exploration of one's feminine side, an enjoyment of the comfort of women's fashions (styles and materials), and release of tensions of trying to always conform to societal standards of what males should be. Now, in your case, being a woman who enjoys socializing with men, do you also enjoy wearing "men's" clothing more and perhaps other "male" things such as football, fast cars, working with tools, etc.? If so, that certainly doesn't mean you want to be a man, just that you like those things. As for the simple act of socializing, you are not alone there. My mother, for one, was like you: She always preferred to hang out with men who, she also felt, tended to me more direct in conversations, more forthright.

Believe it or not, there have been studies on women and the sex with which they prefer to hang out and how other women perceive them. In general, women tend to see same-sex friendships with women as being nurturing and supportive and good for one's well-being while women who prefer hanging with men are seen as looking for romantic and sexual partners. This is not surprising. "On the other hand," according to this 2022 PsyPost article, "women who have mostly male friends may see women who engage in same-sex friendships as jealous or needy." The article continued: "Results showed that women who preferred friendships with men were more hostile and less trusting towards other women ... [and] women viewed the female target as not being trustworthy based on the stated preference for male friendships. Additionally, women who preferred cross-sex friendships had more mating success and reported more unrestricted sexual freedom." Since you are happily married, the sexual relationship factor isn't relevant to your preference for male friends. Also, other women might be suspicious of your motives and would therefore be less likely to extend offers of friendship. So, you might garner more animosity from women in the fandom. Also, you are right that it might be seen as a "move" on your part to try to gain more popularity. Drama and neurotic competition for validation and approval in the fandom is common, although usually it comes about for other reasons such as jealousy over fursuits or who gets the most attention at cons or in TikTok videos.

But you did not create a male fursona to be a popufur nor did you do it to find a romantic or sexual mate. You just did so because, as you said, you enjoy the company of men more. Is what you are doing "catfishing"? It is only catfishing if you are not honest about your true identity. I would, therefore, be very open and upfront about your true sex when making friends or even acquaintances online. If you are starting to make a new friend and are having an informative, sharing moment with them, just tell them early on that your fursona may be male but IRL you're a married woman and you adopt your male fursona for RPGs and social interactions in the fandom. (You are certainly not the only one who has done this.) If someone has a problem with that, then just acknowledge it and move on. No harm done. 

In your profile, just state the facts, a la, "Hi! My name is X, my fusona is This Name and he is a coyote etc. etc. In my real life, my name is XX and I am a happily married woman living in Arizona. I love the fandom because of Z and Q, and I enjoy interacting with furries in adventures and social scenes as a male coyote because that is simply where I feel most comfortable. If you want to chat and learn more about me, DM me anytime!" or something along those lines.

You know, in fantasy fandoms like the furry world, everyone is exploring the possibilities of being other characters. I mean, I'm not really a bear hehe; you're not really a coyote. My fursona, Grubbs, loves to fish, but I haven't fished in 40 years; he's also a lot more chill than I am. OCs are fun ways to explore aspects of ourselves in a safe environment, and experimenting with sex, gender, and sexuality, as well as age, race, abilities, and so on. These are all ways of exploring ourselves and our possibilities. Almost no one has a fursona that is exactly like they are (ignoring the obvious exterior differences).

Just be honest with everyone in your profile, and you'll be fine.

If you have more questions or need some clarifications, hit me up any time.

Bear Hugs,
Papabear]]>Sun, 15 Mar 2026 18:41:38 GMThttps://www.askpapabear.com/letters/19-year-old-is-having-problems-picking-a-fursonaHello, Papabear,

How to know what animal for a fursona is for you? It's so hard to pick one, and I feel like I don't have their whimsy and pizzazz.

Cain (19)

* * *

Dear Cain,

Welcome to the furry fandom :3 IMHO there are two types of furries who pick fursonas for two very different reasons. The first type of furry is the kind who is a joiner and for whom a fursona is just a tool for playing games or participating in social activities. For such people, the species or type of fursona doesn't really matter because it is not a matter of personal expression. It is more like having a miniature figurine to play with in a game like D&D. If you are this kind of furry, then choose whatever and go have fun with it. Change it for the next MPORPG you play, if you wish, and so on, and so on....

The other kind of furry is the one for whom the fursona is a matter of personal expression. The fursona can be an extension of yourself, or it can be an idealized version of yourself, or it can be a form of experimenting with potential versions of yourself. For example, I have met furries who are male who create female fursonas, or they might consider themselves straight but create a bisexual or gay fursona. I have seen furries who create sexualized fursonas to experiment with kinks in a safe manner (you can't contract STIs by having virtual kinky sex). On the less erotic side, there are furries who love fantasy and sci-fi play, imagining themselves as bold warriors and adventurers, even though IRL they might be very shy and timid. But mostly, I have seen furries who use their fursonas as a way to express who they truly feel like inside, to shed the facade they put on for the sake of family and society and become real. 

If your fursona is a personal experience for you, then dig down deep into yourself and feel what the right choice is for you, not forgetting that you can have multiple fursonas, hybrids, mythologicals, and even original species. You don't need "whimsy" or "pizzazz," words you are using that indicate you are concerned what others think about your fursona choice. You should never pick a fursona just to please or impress or gain the approval of others. The only person your fursona is for is ... wait for it ... YOU!

What species do you like? What features do you like? What colors? What body coverings? What personality? What occupation or hobby? The world is your oyster, and the pearl inside is whatever you make of it. This should not be a stressful pursuit. It should be fun! Joyful! 

And remember, nothing you design now is written in stone. If you create a fursona and then change your mind about it, no biggie. People do it all the time.

In short, don't get so uptight and worried about your fursona. Relax! Chill! Whether your fursona is just a tool for game play or a deep personal expression of yourself, you're here to have fun, so don't forget that. Go play. Make friends. And stay away from judgy people.

Bear Hugs,
Papabear]]>Fri, 13 Mar 2026 20:36:51 GMThttps://www.askpapabear.com/letters/severe-adhd-makes-her-fear-driving-lessonsHello, Papabear,

I am almost 30. I do not drive because I am too afraid to. Last time I tried was when I was freshly outta high school; yes, I took a driver's ed online course, thinking I was going to get my license in the summer but didn't. My dad was starting to teach me but totally traumatized me. Fast forward years later. After 6 years of college, I thought about trying again, but my self-esteem and doubt had gotten worse. Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of supportive people in my life to cheer me on. I have bad undiagnosed ADHD--severe! I do not trust myself, all thanks to my dad's lifelong critiques and scoldings wanting everything to be perfect and "how I am supposed to know everything by now."

Unfortunately, my anxiety has gotten worse. I know driver's ed would be ideal, but what if I pay and chicken out and loose my money? We don't have a secondary car to practice with, only his. My mom doesn't drive because of her condition, but she believes in me in doing that and many other things, unlike my other parent.

Where/who can I go to to overcome my fears and see if it's all in my head and that driving isn't so bad? Because I understand it's a skill we adults need. How to lose this fear because it has caused deep depression and self-hate.

Thanks,
Scared California Girl (California)

* * *

Dear Scared California Girl,

Thank you for bringing this important question to my attention. Definitely, having ADHD, PTSD, or other anxiety issues can have a negative effect on one's ability to drive (a topic I do not see discussed much, interestingly enough). Indeed, if one is suffering from an inability to concentrate, distracted behavior, difficulty with multitasking, and other symptoms common with ADHD, driving can in some cases be nearly impossible.

You mention that your "bad ADHD" is undiagnosed, so I take that to mean you have not sought out therapy. Do you have any medical coverage? If so, many plans do cover at least a few visits to a licensed therapist. If not, I suggest you explore Covered California for plans that are made more affordable thanks to state assistance. Open enrollment is closed right now, but it is no longer federally mandated to have health insurance thanks to a 2019 law. But California does penalize those who are not covered by issuing a state fine, just FYI.

But on to driving.... There are also some driving schools that have instructors who are trained in teaching those with ADHD, including one called the Newport Driving School, which, I believe, has several schools across California and a few other states. They do not seem to have a central website, so I would google your local area to see if there is a Newport school near you. I talked to one of their representatives, and they did say that they have instructors who have special training in how to teach those with your condition. One thing to note, though, is that this driving course takes more time than the typical course because much more attention is given to students for them to be able to manage their driving skills better. If you can't find a Newport school, see what else is in your area that looks good, phone them, and ask if they have similarly trained instructors. As for your concerns about "chickening out," I hope that the knowledge that you would have a teacher who is skilled with ADHD students might alleviate that fear.

(Oh, and I sympathize with your dad dilemma. When I was learning, I had the misfortune of my dad trying to teach me--in addition to classes at my high school--and his method was to hit me when I did wrong. Ugh, what a nightmare. I would suggest not using your father as an instructor and find someone less critical and more understanding. No duh, am I right? Basically, anyone with a driver's license should be able to help you. Oh, and always start with lessons in an empty parking lot or other area with no traffic.)

What about your current transport needs? Does your father drive you to work or on errands? If you have a job, can you set up a ride share of some sort with coworkers. Do you have any friends to help? First order of business, though, is managing your ADHD. Indeed, we don't even know if it is ADHD or something related, so you really do need to get properly diagnosed and try to get some professional help because you cannot get proper treatment if you are not accurately diagnosed. Also, you don't say where in California you live, but if you are somewhere with good public transportation such as the Bay Area you should definitely take advantage of that as much as possible. 

As for your mother, is she a senior? You say she has a condition that makes it impossible for her to drive. Okay, so, there are programs and services in California to help with that. Starting with medical transportation, should she require it, consult the California Department of Healthcare Services and the California Department on Aging for non-emergency medical transportation such as for regular doctor visits. You can also find help with transportation through California's Eldercare Locator. Other commercial services that are low cost or that can be partially paid for through insurance include ITN America and Veyo, and you can also search the Rides in Sight database for senior transportation companies. Pardon me if your mother is not old enough for such services yet; I'm just trying to cover bases. Now, if she is too young to qualify as a senior, there are still programs for those with disabilities or low income that can help. In my area, for example (I'm in California, too), the Riverside County Transportation Commission offers ride assistance to not only seniors but also those with disabilities. You might contact your local city or county office and query them if they have similar services. The federal government also has the Accessible Transportation Resource Center, which can point you to transportation and other services for the disabled. Finally, there is the 211 hotline (also 211 California | Free Help for Housing, Food & More) that is run by United Way of California, offering all kinds of assistance to those in need, including transportation. There is a possibility, too, that if you are diagnosed with such severe ADHD that you are unable to drive, some of the programs listed above might help you, as well.

I hope some of this information is helpful to you. Let me know if you have further questions.

Bear Hugs,

Papabear]]>Sun, 15 Feb 2026 17:03:05 GMThttps://www.askpapabear.com/letters/guilt-is-preventing-this-young-bi-man-from-living-his-lifeHi Papabear,

This is my first time writing to you. I’m writing because I feel like I struggle with the belief that I’ll never be accepted by gay/bi men for something I did in the past and I also isolate myself and struggle with guilt for that as well. I’m a bisexual guy and was closeted to my family for most of my life until last month when I came out to my mom. I also came out to my younger brother about 6 months ago and he was the first to know in my family. I’m glad that my mom accepted me and said that she loved me. She couldn’t understand why I thought that she would disown me and said that I kind of took my time (I’m almost 24). It was actually my new year’s resolution to come out to her this year since being closeted was making me so miserable and amplifying the guilt that I felt and still kind of feel for something I did a little over 2 years ago.

Back in 2023, I remember being intent on trying to date or hookup just like people my age. I felt like I was behind and that everyone my age was doing that. I tried dating girls on dating apps, but I didn’t have any luck, and I get more nervous/awkward around girls than guys to be honest. I thought it’d be a good idea to focus on making friends online instead. I eventually made a friend online and we met 4 times in person. From the moment I met him, I could tell he was obviously gay. I really liked him as a friend. He was really kind, and I liked texting with him. However, I’m ashamed to say that I was kind of embarrassed to be seen in public with him because I was scared of people judging us, and I didn’t feel comfortable with people in public seeing me as bisexual. I remember one time he told me that he frequented adult livestreams and that gave me an idea. I suggested we experiment in an “intimate” way. We did and I ended up losing my virginity to him. That same day, I let him know that I wasn’t interested in a relationship and that I was only looking for something casual. He told me that he didn’t want a relationship either.

That was the last time I saw him. I was scared to meet up with him again for two reasons: that was the first time doing something intimate with someone and I was nervous to see him again; also, I was embarrassed to be seen with him. We still texted, but I made excuses not to hang out. Eventually, he ended up moving away to the East Coast after getting a job. I felt terrible for the way I acted towards him. I apologized to him via text and said that I was sorry for not meeting up with him again and that I was nervous about being intimate and that I felt like I had used him for sex (something that my friends and people online said I did). My friend was really empathetic, and he wrote a long reply. He said he was never mad at me and that he had a lot of fun with me. He said that he didn’t want me to beat myself up and that if I was ever in his current city to hit him up again so he could show me around. He said he didn’t feel used and that he wanted my first time to be safe because his wasn’t. He was sexually assaulted in the past. That’s one of the things I felt the most guilty about. I constantly ask myself if I added to his trauma.

Online I was told in a gay forum on Reddit that gay guys disliked people like me. They said that men like me who are DL are a really common problem. I was told that I never really cared about him and told that I should give up on dating/hooking up with men. I lived with guilt for a long time, and I couldn’t even ask my family for help since I thought they would no longer accept me. To help with the guilt, I remember trying to donate money to charity and help others, even strangers, and I stopped when I realized I was being taken advantage of. At one point, I even took the online advice to heart and decided I was never going to pursue men again because I was closeted and was only going to hurt them.

It’s been over 2 years, and I haven’t done anything with anyone else. My friend and I no longer talk (and I think it’s better that way now). He’s doing good with his new career, and it keeps him busy. No dating/no hookups since. Some old friends were surprised to hear this, and I just made some excuse like “I’m focusing on improving myself now.” I went to another counselor, and he convinced me to come out to my brother, and my brother helped me by telling my mother for me. I’m very grateful to my counselor and brother for that. He also suggested that I go to the pride center on campus. The thing is I feel like I can’t. I’m scared they won’t accept me. I’m scared they’ll see me like the people do on Reddit. My worst fear is repeating what happened with my friend in the future. I guess I’m just writing this to see if I could get some encouragement. I often wonder what it would be like to be in a loving relationship, and it’s something that I really want one day. I feel terrible when people my age or younger talk about kissing or dating while I still think about my friend from over 2 years ago. I’m writing just wanting encouragement to put myself out there instead of wasting my 20s living in the past and isolating myself. I wonder how I could go around trying to date men or just befriend them one day again. I know this is a long letter.

Thank you for your time.

Anonymous (age 23)

* * *

Dear Furiend,

I'm going to quote my late mother here: "Guilt is the most worthless of all the emotions." Guilt doesn't help you with anything. It just makes you miserable. 

There are some misconceptions in your letter that I need to correct. The first and most important one is that LGBTQIA social media communities like the one you came across on Reddit represent the gay community accurately. They absolutely do not. You should really know by now that online communities are dumpster fires full of trolls, bullies, and drama queens who rejoice in hurting other people and putting them down to make themselves feel better and more superior. DO NOT listen to them. Social groups online are extremely hit or miss, and you really take a chance going to them for support. Also, just because you had some bad exchanges on Reddit doesn't mean the entire worldwide gay community is critical of you. That's absurd when 99.99999999% of them have never heard of you or know you exist.

Instead, to help you navigate the LGBTQ world, I would like to recommend you start with a reputable organization known as The Trevor Project, which focuses on young people up to the age of 24, offering educational, peer support, and crisis management (including online counseling) services. Start with them, and they can help point you in the right direction. You've been making some mistakes (honest ones, don't berate yourself) because you lack guidance. You need someone to show you the ropes. Also, try the on-campus pride group like your counselor suggested. It's a good idea to make in-person connections. 

The comments those Reddit people gave you are bullshit, frankly (especially that comment in which they presume to tell you that you didn't actually love that guy--OMG!) Gay men who are on the "down low" or are closeted are omnipresent in the gay community. There are some gay men who look down on them, yes, but most people are very understanding about it. And being compassionate to those in the closet is actually the first step to get them out of the closet. When you feel judged, you're more likely to hide yourself.

Your friend is a great example of a compassionate friend. He seems pretty cool, actually, and it is my opinion that it is a mistake to cut him out of your life. He seems quite kind and supportive, and there is absolutely no reason why you can't be friends, chat online, or even make a phone call once in a while. It is quite clear you did not hurt or traumatize him in any way, so stop feeling guilty about something that just is not true. You're only hurting yourself.

You also, very fortunately, have support from your brother and mother. That's excellent! Do not underestimate the importance of their love and support, which proves that you are a person who is loved and valued and who is far too critical of himself.

Don't feel bad about that, either. It's very common for gay people to feel guilt and shame that they have feelings that meet with disapproval from conservative societies. What you need to realize is that your feelings are valid and natural, and they are not sinful or bad in any way. Stop punishing yourself. You deserve to find a boyfriend, find love, and be happy. You also should not feel any guilt about the sex you had with your first lover. It was consensual (he told you so! Believe him!) and you both had a rewarding and fun time. 

While there is much to say about spending time to focus on yourself, it's quite clear that you don't mean it when you tell people that; you're just using it as an excuse when you tell them you are not in a relationship. The real reason is that you are torturing yourself with guilt and you feel that sex is somehow wrong if you are not committing yourself to a long-term relationship. In truth, non-committed sexual relationships offer many benefits that include emotional, social, and physical. Here is an outstanding article on that by psychologist Heath Schechinger, Ph.D., who also explains the reason for people stigmatizing sexual openness in terms of social identity theory. Social identity theory states that people stigmatize others as one method of creating social cohesion and stronger bonds within their particular group. For example, a church congregation that identifies as hetero and white might label LGBTQIA and BIPOC people as outsiders and treat them as bad people. By sharing these prejudices, they form stronger bonds and a stronger identity within their group.

You want to not feel terrible that you aren't dating and finding someone to care about and kiss? I have a simple solution. 

Stop it.

The only person stopping you from being happy is ... YOU! So, knock it off.

Is that "tough love"? Not sure, but it's the truth.

Stop stopping yourself and go and meet people. Make friends with some. Make love to some. And, hopefully, make some close and enduring relationships. You deserve it as much as anyone else.

Bear Hugs,
Papabear]]>Thu, 12 Feb 2026 21:20:36 GMThttps://www.askpapabear.com/letters/dont-fret-about-sex-shamers-who-cant-deal-with-the-fact-that-humans-are-sexual-creaturesDear Papabear,

Lately, I've been frustrated with puritan attitudes inside and outside the fandom. Outside and inside, I often see people calling anything even remotely spicy "gooner material" (I really hate that word), labeling others porn addicts just for liking NSFW content even at all, and acting like people are too open about this; and while I won't deny this happens, I'm not convinced that it's as big of an issue that it's made out to be due to the following reasons:

1. As stated previously, I've seen multiple instances of people calling anything even mildly suggestive "oversexualized" or even "soft porn," such as images showing female characters with toned bodies or showing any amount of skin.
2. People exaggerating about the prevalence of NFSW material. As an example of this, there was an instance on a subreddit called r/Palworld in which I saw a post where someone complained about there being too many NFSW posts on the sub but after scrolling through it pretty thoroughly, I couldn't find a single NSFW post on that sub. My guess is that this user maybe saw one post they didn't like and got upset over it.
3. Instances of people wandering into NSFW areas and then getting mad upon seeing NSFW content, which is like jumping into a pool and getting mad because you got wet.

All of that is came from both the fandom and the internet in general but for something inside the fandom, I've seen quite a few people acting like having a sexual element "ruined" the furry fandom. I'm old enough to be considered a greymuzzle but I've only been a furry since around 2015, so I don't know a whole lot about the fandom's beginnings. From what I've heard, sex has been a part of this fandom pretty much since its inception, with fanzines containing adult comics and stories as well as there being spicy artwork in the fandom's early days. I can't say with certainty if this is the case but if it is then those complaints are pretty much moot because those who make them are complaining about the fandom being what it always has been but whatever the case may be, is the furry fandom having a sexual side really such a bad thing?

We live in a society that demonizes sex and labels it as something shameful and abhorrent. I disagree with that sentiment very strongly because sexual desire is a perfectly normal and natural thing as well as what makes us who we are as humans and it's because of this that I believe that sexuality is something to be embraced, not shunned.

This is why I'm glad that the fandom is so accepting of sex. It's a place where we can express and explore our deepest desires safely and without feeling any of the shame that society tells us we should feel.

I know I went off on a tangent there and I apologize for that. Anyway, I'm writing this because I wanted to ask you whether or not you think there's anything that can be done to do away with puritan attitudes once and for all because I don't know about you but I've had pretty much all I can take of this whole mentality of "sex bad" and would like for it to end.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that there is a time and place for everything, and whenever I talk about sexual matters, I keep it confined to NSFW spaces because while I believe that sex should be embraced, I believe in being sensible about it. I don't think we should all go wild and screw anything with a pulse. I just think that shaming others for something that's a natural part of us all needs to stop.

Anonymous (age 38)

* * *

Dear Furiend,

Sex and the Furry Fandom is a huuuuuge topic about which I could write a book. Indeed, more and more, I am thinking I will write a book about sex in the fandom. But I have two books I want to get done before that. Without getting too detailed on the history of furporn in the fandom (and that is quite the tale), I will address the many concerns and topics in your letter as concisely as possible.

Firstly, for those unfamiliar with the term, dear readers, a "gooner" can mean a couple of things. In American slang, it can mean someone who is addicted to porn or, more specifically, the practice of edging (bringing oneself or someone else close to orgasm without actually climaxing). However, if you live in the United Kingdom, a gooner refers to fans of the Arsenal football club known as the Gunners. So, don't get football gooners confused with porn addicts hehe.

Now for a whirlwind history of sex in the fandom.

You are correct, sir, that the sex in art and fiction in the fandom goes back to the beginning of the modern furry world. Most people trace it back to Vootie (the first furry APA, which is a sort of limited edition magazine subscription) around 1976, when the first installment of Omaha, the Cat Dancer by Reed Waller and Kate Worley was published. Omaha was a comic for adults that had sex scenes in it but was not really porn because it had a storyline and interesting characters. (Pornography is sexually explicit material produced with the sole purpose of turning on the consumer). Actually, though, it goes back a little further than that when Fred Patten started producing a member directory for the Cartoon/Fantasy Organization (a precursor of the fandom) and this evolved into a kind of bulletin to which the members of the C/FO started to contribute art and stories, some of which were adult in nature. This led to the first fights in the early fandom even before we started calling ourselves "furries" in which members were upset that R-rated stuff was appearing in the directory. 

This was all back in the 1970s. Moving forward into the 1980s, we have the beginnings of people outside the fandom shaming furries and calling them "skunk fuckers" when furries were just a small group of anthro fans attending WorldCon and other sci-fi and fantasy conventions. The insulting term became quite common, and some furries even embraced it. A comic book anthology called Skunk from MU Press was released in 1993 with stories by furries and nonfurries alike. And, naturally, other comics came along (e.g. Genus) with lots of adult stories and drawings in them. There was more controversy about sexual themes with the first furcon, Confurence 0, in 1989. Although there were only 65 attendees, some criticized the con for allowing people to appear in suggestive dress (including Bob Hill performing in his Hilda the Bambioid fursuit). 

Fast forward to the late '80s and early '90s, and you get the infamous Burned Furs vs. Freezing Furs "war" in which the Burned Furs protested the proliferation of adult-oriented comics, drawings, and stories in the fandom and pushed for there to be a more family-friendly vibe to the fandom. The Freezing Furs were a short-lived effort to counter the Burned Furs and to say that there was nothing wrong with adult art shared among adults. The Burned Furs movement lasted from 1998 to 2001, was revived in 2005, first as Burned Furs II and then renamed as Improved Anthropomorphics, having a Live Journal site that petered out around 2009 (you can still view the page here Improved Anthropomorphics — LiveJournal). Now, there is nothing wrong in taking a position that you want the furry fandom to be more G-rated. The problem was that members of these groups started flame wars, often threatening each other with violence. Most unpleasant and unproductive to the discussion.

Predictably, the efforts of the Burned Furs came to naught and there is more furporn on the internet now than ever before. Still, people get irked by this (although they aren't furry per se, there are people online now called "puriteens," who, as the name suggests, are young people online who want to cleanse the internet of porn). 

The more that people like the Burned Furs and the puriteens try to scrub the world of adult content, the more things stay the same. Of course, there are countries that have managed to block all adult content from their internet providers with sometimes humorous results. For example, when North Korea sent their soldiers to the Ukraine upon the request of Russia, the North Korean soldiers suddenly found themselves with access to online porn. They spent so much time jerking off to the images that they were useless in the field. You see, in North Korea, if you are caught watching adult videos online it can actually result in a death sentence. Pretty extreme!

Whenever a society restricts adult urges to such a degree, the results are predictably bad. For example, Prohibition in the 1920s and 1930s led to organized crime distilling and shipping booze, which often led to gun violence; people also made their own booze, often creating such strong concoctions that drinking the bathtub gin they made could easily kill a person. After years of trying to ban alcohol, the federal government finally gave up and repealed the 18th Amendment with the 21st Amendment in 1933.

Restricting sexual behavior has similar bad results. Whenever you tell people, "You can't have sex," they will want it all the more. This is why we ended up with, for example, the Catholic priest scandal. In my humble opinion, the problem the Church had with priests molesting boys (and some girls) for sex has been the result of their not being permitted to marry or to have sex in any other healthy manner. I don't think that the priests were necessarily homosexuals or pedophiles (as claimed by the Church). What they were was desperate to find some sexual release in another human being, and since they had access to boys in their church and had power over them to demand they keep quiet about their prurient activities, that is how they got their sexual release. (Note: this is my opinion, and I know many will argue against it, but I feel it is valid.) 

While we don't all live under such strict demands as those in the priesthood, many modern societies (including in the USA) are very restrictive of open sexuality (as you wisely noted in your email). When sexual restrictions are codified--such as in anti-prostitution laws--the results are quite damaging. In an article published in The Journal of Law and Economics ("Do Prostitution Laws Affect Rape Rates? Evidence from Europe"; Vol 65, No. 4, November 2022), authors Huasheng Gao and Vanya Petrova state:

​"Liberalizing prostitution leads to a significant decrease in rape rates, while prohibiting it leads to a significant increase. The results are stronger when rape is less severely underreported and when it is more difficult for men to obtain sex via marriage or partnership. We also provide the first evidence for the asymmetric effect of prostitution regulation on rape rates: the magnitude of prostitution prohibition is much larger than that of prostitution liberalization. Placebo tests show that prostitution laws have no impact on nonsexual crimes. Overall, our results indicate that prostitution is a substitute for sexual violence and that the recent global trend of prohibiting commercial sex (especially the Nordic model) could have the unforeseen consequence of proliferating sexual violence."

Of course, certain laws restricting sexual activity are good to have, including laws against rape (which is actually a crime of violence, not sex) and against having sex with minors. So, I'm not saying all sexual behavior should be allowed--not by a long shot. I'm saying that restricting sex and sexual materials across the board is unwise.

Even more influential than laws against sex are social prohibitions--because they are much more far-ranging in nature. If we took all such restrictions to heart, the only sex that would be allowed would be heterosexual sex between married couples and only for the purposes of reproduction. Everything else would be met with stringent disapproval to say the least. While American society has become a little more permissive over the years, allowing for sex between unmarried people, for example, and becoming somewhat more open to gays and lesbians, there is still a lot of disapproval in the air.

All this contributes to my arguments for allowing porn, including furporn, to be available to adults. Before I go into that, I need to add the proviso that there is, of course, a bad side to porn. One is porn addiction, which is detrimental to one's life in that it can grossly interfere with work, school, personal relationships, and just having a life if you spend hours and hours consuming pornography to the exclusion of daily tasks. And, of course, the whole porn industry is highly exploitative of those who get drawn into making the videos, magazines, and other content. 

I'm not talking about that aspect of it, though. There are, in fact, positive sides to adult art, which can be a celebration of natural desires. When it comes to furporn, the visual and roleplay side of it can help us explore our evolving sexuality. Furporn can be a useful tool in this because it helps us to explore sexuality behind the protective mask, if you will, of fursonas. What I mean by that is that adopting another form in the shape of a furry character can buffer one against feeling embarrassed or guilty because of social stigmas that we have not yet overcome. For example, I have spoken to furries who say they use a fursona of the opposite sex to explore whether they might be gay, bi, or trans, or perhaps they adopt a dominant character in an RPG who would do things that they would fear doing in real life (or the opposite in which their fursona is a submissive lover who wants to relieve the stresses of responsibilities in real life). One can also explore a variety of fetishes within the relative safety of furry roleplay, which can help you determine whether or not you might wish to explore such practices in real life. Doing all this in, say, an online RPG also has the advantage of being an extremely safe form of sex (you can't contract an STI by looking at a monitor or your phone, can you!)

Exploration of one's sexuality amongst consenting adults is a healthy way to grow and develop as a person. Those who shame people about furporn and other adult forms of pornography are very likely either unable to wrest themselves from a controlling society or are too afraid to admit they have sexual desires themselves. Criticizing people and trying to control content online (or anywhere else for that matter) is an attempt to remove temptation from their lives or to feel superior to those who, in their opinion, are immoral. A good example of this includes the various cases of politicians trying to pass "morality" laws or religious figures criticizing sex or homosexuality as "sin," only to learn later that the politician booked a massage with a gay sex worker or the religious leader has had several affairs behind his wife's back. As the Shakespearean line goes, "Methinks thou dost protest too much."

To answer your question, no, I don't think we will ever do away with puriteens and Burned Furs and holier-than-thou types. Nor will those people ever get rid of pornography and human sexuality. My answer to the Puritans is that if you don't like porn, don't consume it. As for those who do, that's fine. Explore away. As long as you are doing things consensually, legally, and safely, you're fine. 

This is your life. Explore the world and explore yourself, including your sexual side. As long as you are hurting nobody else, do what you like.

Bear Hugs,
Papabear]]>Wed, 11 Feb 2026 17:05:51 GMThttps://www.askpapabear.com/letters/there-is-a-difference-between-reaching-puberty-and-reaching-maturityDear Papabear,

I need help making sense of everything and I am kind of overstimulated by everything. My friends and Dad's side of the family support me all the way, but my mom and stepdad don't at all support LGBTQIA+. I came out to my friends as pansexual recently. My question is, "How do I make sense of all this and come out to my parents?"

Eclipse (age 14, TX)

* * *

Hi, Eclipse,

You are under no obligation to tell your mom and stepdad about your sexuality unless you feel comfortable doing so.

The other thing you need to realize is that, at your age, sexuality can still be mutable. That is, you are still maturing and changing. When I was your age, for example, I still thought I was straight. It was not until much later I realized I was gay.

Most people confuse puberty with maturity. They are not the same thing. Just because women start having their periods around age 12 or 13 doesn't mean they are mature yet mentally or emotionally. When it comes to these qualities, women reach mental maturity around age 22 or 23 (men around age 25 or 26). Emotional maturity for women is reached around age 30 or 32, and men (don't hate me, guys) around age 43 (you heard me). 

While your body may have matured by 14, the rest of you still needs time to catch up. Determining your sexuality is not merely a matter of physical maturity (this is a big reason why an adult man having sex with a 14-year-old girl is considered to be raping a minor). Eclipse, your teens and twenties are a time when you are discovering who you are as a person. Yes, one of these factors does include your sexuality, but we are much more than our sexuality. We are intellectual, emotional, and spiritual beings as well.

We shouldn't define ourselves by our sexuality alone. When I introduce myself to people, I usually describe myself as a writer, publisher, and furry. I never walk up to someone, put my hand out for a shake, and announce, "Hi! I'm Kevin! And I'm a cis gay man!" 

What I'm saying here is that you should not push yourself to solidify your identity right now. In the same way you are still trying to figure out who you are as a person, what your interests in life are, what career you might pursue, and so on, you should still be discovering who you are sexually. It is not uncommon for people to discover this as late as their 50s, believe it or not.

Am I saying you are not pansexual? No, I am not saying that at all. If that is how you feel right now, then you are pan. But be careful. Are you certain that you are not feeling this way because you are being influenced by friends to do so? There are many cases in which people, for instance, have felt that they have had to be trans in order to be cool. Announcing one is trans to teen friends can be viewed as being rebellious and edgy. There is also pressure from people--usually adults--to tell you that you are not trans or pan or bi or gay or whatever.

If your mom and stepdad are anti-LGBTQ and you tell them about your sexuality at this time, you will probably experience a lot of negative pressure from them, a lot of casting of doubt. In a worst-case scenario, they might even try to send you somewhere for conversion therapy, which is still legal in Texas (and 21 other states). Conversion therapy is dangerous, to say the least, and has led many LGBTQIA youth to commit suicide or suffer other mental anguishes.

My advice, as you can tell, is do not come out to your mom and stepdad. Now is not the time. And don't feel guilty about not coming out to them. You came out to those you felt would be supportive (good!) and you have not done so to those you feel would not be (wise).

TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS

In the meantime, continue to focus on yourself, continue to work on discovering who you are physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. That is what your teens and twenties are for. No rush, Eclipse. Take your time, okay? Work on the full you!

If you have any other questions or follow-up, feel free to write again. Good luck!

Bear Hugs,
Papabear]]>