Dear Papabear,

First and foremost I would sincerely like to apologise if my skill of the English language is not up to par, since I’m not a native speaker. That being said I would like to ask advice on a problem I’m currently struggling with as of lately, and I hope you can be of any help with my problem.

I’m a 21 year old male who currently has been in the fandom for, I would say, like 3 years now. I have visited some cons and have been enjoying it thus far. I have made some friends there and I’m planning to go to a con this year as well. However, as you might be aware, a lot of people in the fandom are in the LGTB community. And this is where the problem arises. I have always considered myself a hetero-sexual male, but being in the fandom has had a certain influence on my life and I cannot be sure if this previous statement I made is true any longer. Now discovering new sexual interests shouldn’t be a problem, but yet it is. 

Even though LGTB communities and official websites state it is something perfectly normal, it doesn’t feel normal for myself. I have of course met many gay furries myself, and some of them I sincerely could consider serious friends. One of them is even engaged and I was very happy for him. But if I notice I have thoughts about having a relationship with someone of the same gender it feels wrong to me, leaving me very frustrated and confused. Even the mere thought of having a crush on someone on the same gender feels wrong. I don’t know why I have these thoughts, and I have no valid reasons why I have them. One of the possible reasons why these thoughts occur in my mind could be because some of my family members are not very fond of Homosexuals, or “weird things” in general. (Though I must emphasize here the words “some of them”, and luckily this does not apply to everyone.) But then again, I would be the only person to blame for having such weird thoughts and being anxious about other people’s believes.

That being said, I really hope this story makes sense in any way. If questions remain, feel free to ask and I shall try to give a more precise answer. And I would like to thank you in advance for helping me out.

Cheers,

Arovos (the Netherlands)

* * *

Dear Arovos,

Being homo- or bi-sexual (or other varieties of sexuality) is actually quite natural (that is, it occurs in nature). It is only considered "weird" because human society does not approve of anything other than heterosexuality (as some of your family believe). You feel "weird" about it and consider it "wrong" because you have been programmed since you were a child that heterosexuality is the only "correct" and "normal" form of sexuality.

I, like you, once considered myself to be completely heterosexual. The reason was that I was raised in quite a sheltered way and I never was exposed to other lifestyles with the exception of television and other media. TV shows always portrayed gay men as very effeminate people who enjoyed dressing as women. Since this was of no interest to me, I thought I was straight. Indeed, I was married for over 20 years and had conventional sex. Then I discovered the bear community and was instantly turned on. Now, as you might sympathize with, this confused me for quite a while, but then I realized I was really gay and I pursued that life happily. You might wonder about my early straight life and sex with a woman. Well, most people, you see, do not fall within 100% straight or 100% gay--there are a thousand (not just 50) shades of grey in between those two extremes.

You are now discovering that you have a homosexual side, as well. This is a result of your becoming friends with LGBT people in the furry community, though it could have happened in a number of other ways, too. This makes you nervous because you fear family disapproval. Very understandable.

So now you come to a decision-making point: do you pursue your attraction for people of the same sex, or do you bow to societal and family pressures and let them determine who you are as a person?

Hint: it is the happy person who lives as himself.

Good Luck,
Papabear
​

​Dear, Papabear,

Before I get to my question I would like to give my sincere condolences for your mate, and I would like to say I know what it's like to lose someone you love. Also I am really looking forward to the furry book coming out, it is on my list of books to read, right up there with Harry Potter and The Cursed Child. 

Now onto my question, while looking for my fursona because I just found the fandom a few weeks ago I found something that I was suspicious about but not certain of, I was gay. I am still in the closet with my family but I told my friends because I trust them more than my family. I had told my mother about a year ago of my suspicions and I thought I could trust her but she went and told the rest of my family, including my grandmother who is a pastor. Next time I saw my grandmother she gave me biblical reasons as to why homosexuality is wrong, as a person who thinks Christianity is a bunch of poppycock and is questioning everything I have ever been taught I almost called her out on it but did not. My whole family is homophobic and they absolutely despise furries calling them freaks who need to be committed to a psych ward, so as a homosexual furry that is the worst place to be. What do I do?

Sincerely,

Austin Persing 

* * *

Dear Austin,

​Hello, and thanks for your patience. Thanks, too, for the good wishes.
 
It's fine that you respected your grandmother and her beliefs enough not to lash back at her homophobic stance.
 
Many people who espouse Christianity are very misled. Somehow, for many (but by no means all) Christians, it has become a testimony to their faith that they should hate certain people. Lately, that seems to mean it's okay to hate LGBT people.

I will say that I'm not a Christian (duh, right?), but I do believe in many things the Bible says and I believe that many of the things Jesus supposedly said are wonderful and should be followed by Christians and non-Christians alike (the Golden Rule being at the top of the list).

Jesus was about loving your fellow humans, even (and this cannot be stressed enough) your enemies. He was not about hatred, rejection, and prejudice. Pretty much everything about religion that goes beyond “treat other people nicely and love God” is extraneous, unimportant, and added by religions in order to give priests jobs, build elaborate churches, and start religious wars (to send hate mail, write to: Grubbs Grizzly, 555 Bear St., Getoveryourself, CA 90000).
 
So your grandmother the pastor gave you “biblical reasons” why being gay is against God and Christianity. You already disagree with her, but if you want some ammunition, here you go:
 
1. If she quotes Leviticus, you can point out that the Old Testament laws are overwritten by the New Testament (after all, that’s what Christianity is supposed to be about), and then continue by noting Leviticus if chock full of ridiculous rules (well, some might have been practical thousands of years ago, but are not now), including prohibition of eating rabbits or shrimp, prohibitions of growing crops next to each other or wearing linen and wool together, and prohibition of eating raw meat (no sushi for you!), among other things.
 
2. If she talks about the story of Sodom and Gomorrah, saying the cities were punished for, among other things, gay sex. That’s not true. They were punished for being greedy people who treated others badly. Now, there is a scene where a bunch of Sodomites were coming to Lot’s house to have sex with the angels who were his guests. But this wasn’t sex for the purpose of fun; you see, back then, gang raping people was one form of punishing them through humiliation. Thus, the Sodomites were coming to brutalize and punish the angels, not have a fun gay orgy.
 
3. I defy your grandmother or anyone to find one single quote by Jesus in the Bible saying homosexuals are wrong or evil.
 
4. In fact, there is a story in Matthew in which a Roman centurion goes to Jesus for help. This is an important scene often cited by gay men to point out the true nature of Jesus and how the original Greek text is often mistranslated and misinterpreted. The centurion comes out of desperation to a Jewish religious leader (that he does so shows his desperation), Jesus, to cure his ailing young lover (a man he has purchased). In those days, it was quite common for older men of means to buy others as “slaves,” who were really bought for sex. Now, in many cases, these men were beloved by their purchasers. Many scholars have shown that the proper interpretation of the Greek text is that the young man whom Jesus shows no qualms in curing, is gay. Jesus would have known this, being a man of the times and familiar with Romans. Therefore, Jesus must not have had a problem with it. Why? Again, because God ain’t about hate!
 
I would like to suggest you visit the Gay Christians Network site at http://www.gaychristian.net/ and read up on what they have to say about talking to your family about being gay.
 
As for being furry—well, I would say it is more important to talk to them about being gay first, rather than tackling both things at once. I’ve talked about this issue many times on my website. You can also have the family watch a couple movies that are out there: Fursonas is a 90-minute documentary directed by Dominic Rodriguez, and Furry is a half-hour documentary by Eric Risher. Of the two, I rather prefer the shorter Furry because it takes less time to watch and doesn’t try too hard to convince people.
 
The bottom line is this: you can quote Bible verses and show people movies and give them all kinds of empirical evidence to support your case, but chances are you will not convince them because people don’t like their beliefs to be challenged or, worse, threatened, and they certainly don’t want to hear arguments from someone who is “only” 17 because parents and other elders “know better.”
 
My advice? Don’t try. A day will come very soon for you when you will be able to lead your own independent life the way you want to live it, and if that means that some—or even all—of your family will reject you, then so be it. Who wants family like that anyway? I want family who accepts me for who I am, don’t you? In the meantime, you are, likely, dependent on them, so lay low, don’t push your identity in their faces, and ride it out until you are free.
 
Be Strong,
Papabear

​Dear Papabear.

It’s been quite a while since we've spoken. Ever since I've been going to my psychologist and talking with friends there is just this one gap that I've been trying to get over. Accepting myself as gay.

So far, it’s been the hardest to deal with. More so than coming out, especially due to my religious upbringing, because ... when it comes to accepting someone's non-heterosexuality it always comes with a price. Sometimes the price is too heavy to bear when you're dealing with subject matters like this.

The inability to have children the natural way. In my case, it’s what I really wanted, but I can't have it and now that I'm gay, I don't really want to have children who are either adopted or a surrogate either, if only because I'm afraid that they will be made fun of because of me (even if laws are changing). 

The disposition of having to marry a man (not having as in forced, but rather having as in it’s my destiny), when it comes to my family members "Man/Woman" is all they know. And it hurts to even think about inviting them to something they probably would not attend to begin with, and therefore I don't want to invite my friends to it either since I feel they’re just a replacement for family members. 

And, overall, my whole attitude regarding it. If I did accept myself, with paying these heavy prices I begin to wonder is it even worth it all? Just for the sake of being happy and being myself? Or am I just being selfish about it? Honestly, this is the thing that I'm most confused by. Selfishness.

I want to accept myself as gay, but what if I end up being selfish? Being gay may be WHO I am, but that doesn't mean it’s WHO I wanted to be. Disregarding other people's feelings for the simple fact that I'm gay. And I'm not proud of my sexuality, and... I’m starting to wonder if this is the one thing that I've been struggling with ever since, and I'm not too sure exactly what I should do. It’s astounding really. I can accept other people for being gay, but I can't even accept myself. And if I were outed to a bunch of people I knew, I tend to wonder what would go on in the back of their minds and I'd be too fearful to face the world.

So... I need to ask. What should I do to accept myself?

Wolfthorne

* * *
 
Dear Wolfthorne,
 
Your letter is a perfect example of an argument against those idiots who declare that “being gay is a choice.” Who would choose to go through the kind of anguish you’re going through when it would be so much easier in our society to be straight? Answer: no one. Talk to any homosexual man or woman, and they will likely tell you that it was a tremendous struggle for them to be gay. For many, like you, it’s harder to accept yourself as gay than it is to tell family and friends you are gay.
 
Coming out can mean a lot of sacrifice, I agree. I had to sacrifice a lot. I had to give up my marriage to a wonderful woman (who is still my friend). It tore me up. The only thing worse than going through that has been Yogi’s (my mate’s) death, but the divorce is a very close second.
 
I’ve had a lot of success with people accepting me for being gay, however. At the same time, you and I and many other gay people have suffered a lot of guilt and shame. We feel we are hurting other people because of this, disappointing parents who want grandchildren, disappointing even those who might have considered being our spouses but now can’t be.
 
That is, that’s the assumption we always make, but it’s not necessarily set in stone. You see, there is something called “mixed-orientation marriages” or MOMs, which are when a straight person marries a gay or bisexual or even asexual partner. You might think such a marriage would be doomed to failure. Some, like mine, are, but in many other cases they can be successful. Why might, say, a straight woman wish to marry a gay or bi man? Or vice versa? Sometimes, especially in the past when it was much more shameful to be gay than today even, gay people would deliberately marry a straight person to hide their sexuality and gain approval from their families and society at large. And some societies are even more pressure-filled than in America. In China, for example, there is tremendous pressure for people to marry before the age of 25, and those who are still unmarried by 35 are considered practically social pariahs. In fact, in China there is something called “marriage fairs” where parents post their children’s personal information on boards and hope that someone will pick their kids and promise marriage to them. And it doesn’t matter if the promised one is straight, bi, or gay; the important thing is that they be married.
 
But back to America (sorry, I just find other cultures interesting). Believe it or not there are people out there who are willing to knowingly marry someone who is gay. The main reasons for this are either: 1) they love the person very much for many reasons other than sex; 2) they want children and see that gay men can be very nurturing; or they are a lesbian who wants kids and likes the man well enough even though he is straight. Just because there isn’t much compatibility in the bedroom doesn’t mean there can’t be a marriage. In fact, many straight marriages stay together even though lovemaking has virtually gone out the door. Sometimes this is for financial reasons or for the children or sometimes the partners simply don’t feel all that sexual any more (health reasons, age, etc.) Oh, and this sort of thing can happen between a straight, bi, or gay person and an asexual person, or with two asexual people.
 
Do you get that this can be more complicated than you ever imagined? The first thing one must do is throw all assumptions, preconceptions, and social conventions out the window. Start with a blank slate and go from there. Love and happiness do not necessarily stem from sexual satisfaction or desire. In fact, sex should really be just one factor of many in a successful partnership.
 
Here is an excellent, free, online book about mixed marriages from an author with experience http://mixedorientation.com/introduction/. A lot of it is about finding out the person’s gay orientation after the fact, but much of the information here would be relevant to you in order to get rid of your notions of the impossibility of marriage and children.
 
That all said, don’t discount the possibility of a very happy marriage to a man. I always like to think of actor Neil Patrick Harris and his husband, who are obviously ecstatically happy and have adopted children. Now, I understand the desire for biological children of your own (still a possibility for you), but please don’t discount the very real joys many parents have with adopted children. Do you think Harris’s kids will be scarred or made fun of? I really doubt it. And they will benefit greatly from being part of a loving household.
 
Now, that whole “selfish” thing you’re worried about. Stop it ;-) You have every right in the world to pursue your own happiness and to be who you are. Feeling guilty about that is self-destructive and counterproductive, and when that is the case you are no help to anyone. When you are happy, fulfilled, and self-confident you will also become a much better friend, son, spouse, colleague, etc. Example: if Papabear hated himself for being “selfish” all the time, he would be unable to write a column and help others. Point taken?
 
Seriously thinking of never marrying a man because you’re afraid your relatives won’t come and you don’t want your friends to fill in merely as substitutes? Okay, you say you have no problem accepting others as gay, but you feel your family cannot accept you as gay? You might not see it, but that is an awfully cocky attitude that is saying “I’m more open-minded than my family.” You might be very surprised to find out that many of your family members would attend your wedding. You might consider giving them a little more credit—or the possibility of some credit, anyway. And even if they don’t, what’s more important? Their approval or your happiness?
 
If you go through your entire life only doing things so that you can be validated and approved, I guarantee you right here and now you will be a very miserable, sad, and lonely person. Guaranteed.
 
This isn’t a phenomenon just for gay people, either, FYI. Probably the majority of people in this world live lives they hate because they want to have other people approve of them. They marry to gain social status; they pursue careers they despise; they keep trying to one-up “the Joneses” and end up with a beautiful house and car but empty hearts. All of this because they didn’t feel free to be themselves.
 
The biggest prison on the planet is the Jail of Approval. It has no iron bars, no chains, no walls, and therefore it is inescapable. It is a jail constructed by the inmates.
 
Realize that you don’t need other people’s approval to be happy. Know that it is okay to pursue your own happiness and that this is not being selfish. I think you are confusing “selfish” with “hurting people’s feelings and sensibilities because they don’t understand you.” That, dear furry, is their problem, not yours.
 
Hope this helps. Write again if you need more information!
 
Be Happy!
Papabear

​Hello Papabear, 

So I have a question... My family is religious, we're Christians and I am religious along with them... but my problem with this is that because we follow the bible... anything except for normal human, male goes with female sex is a big no no... I am transgender and furry... though only one other person knows...

My fursona, Silvia the orca, is part of me and my personality. I roleplay but I'm worried that my parents will only see the bad side of the fandom... if I come out as furry the other problem is that I'd have to come out as trans as well and I know I would never be looked at the same again...

Please help D:
From Silvia (age 15)
 
* * *
 
Hi, Silvia,
 
I was going to write you a long spiel about coming out to Christian parents (or else link you to earlier articles), but I found someone who did it better. Read this article http://www.gaychristian101.com/Coming-Out.html by a conservative Christian that is most excellent. Among his points are that God loves you, whether or not your are gay or trans or whatever, that parents often misunderstand the Bible, and that if you are in a bad situation you might not want to come out just yet. Read it, it will help.
 
As for being furry, you might conceal this in addition to not coming out (if you so choose), or you can explain to your parents that this is just a fun hobby and is no worse than watching a Disney movie such as, say, The Rescuers. You might also try joining the Christian Furs at http://christianfurs.net/. You don’t say whether or not you are still a Christian, or if you have turned to some other belief system, but do know you can certainly be both a Christian and a furry, just as you can be a transgender Christian.
 
Please take a look at these links and let me know if you have further questions. Good luck!
 
Hugs,
Papabear

​Papabear,

​I’m having trouble accepting my significant other's possible sexuality. You can refer to my boyfriend as Skittles, his fursona name. We're actually engaged but I’d rather call him my boyfriend until we're married. Anyway, just the other day I found out he thinks he may be asexual. He was homosexual before, and I myself am bisexual with a preference for men, but I consider myself homosexual. I love him more than anything and vice versa, and do not really care what his sexuality is, but I feel like he's more confused than anything. I don't know what has caused this seemingly sudden change. and as much as I don't like mentioning it, we ourselves have “explored our sexuality” one time before. With everything I know about him, it just doesn't make sense. Don't get me wrong, I want to support him, but I don't think that's the right thing to do in this case.
 
Unfortunately, I'm all he has to really talk to. He has a dark past. Both of his parents are dead, and his mom was very abusive, an alcoholic, and a literal whore. He currently lives with his grandparents, who he simply just doesn't trust. I can't go to my parents for guidance about the situation because they don't like him ever since they found out about that one time when we "explored our sexuality.” They don't know we're together, or that I proposed to him. We've been secretly communicating through email for the past several months. However, they do accept me for who I am and have nothing against homosexuality. I fear that both his past and lack of guidance may be interfering with him.
 
Kaleb Fox (age 17)
 
* * *
 
Hi, Fox,
 
Okay, first let me point out a contradiction here: you say your parents “have nothing against homosexuality” on one paw, but that they don’t like your boyfriend because you “experimented” with sexuality (meaning, I gather, had homosexual intercourse). So, they can’t have it both ways, and I’m guessing they actually don’t like homosexuals, though it’s nice they seem to be trying to be supportive of you.
 
While you might be wrong on the above point, I think you’re likely correct about your suspicion that Skittles is confused. He has had a rough life so far, and he is no doubt struggling with his sexual identity. (I’m one person who can certainly vouch for the fact that we sometimes don’t figure out our sexuality as teenagers.) Perhaps he is asexual, but this bear’s instincts tell him that Skittles is just going through some phases as he tries to figure himself out.
 
Therefore, the best thing for you to do is to be patient with him and don’t push him in any direction when it comes to sex; let him work on it himself. There are many many many other aspects of a relationship that you can explore and share in the meantime. In fact, if I were you, I wouldn’t even broach the subject of sex unless Skittles does first. If he does, let him talk, just listen, and bite your tongue to prevent any reflexive verbal reactions. Think carefully before you speak.
 
More important than sex right now is your relationship as a whole. You need to work on not having a secret relationship, which might not fully happen until you are both of legal age, but if your parents are understanding, as you say, it might work for that half of the family. His half, however, sounds like they will be more difficult to deal with.
 
Hope this helps. Good luck!
 
Papabear

I want to know if I should repair a friendship or leave it. 

I have a friend, I'll call him Arctic, and he came into my life about a year ago. We quickly became best friends and did basically everything together. We both had extremely similar backgrounds except for some preferences in music. It was good. Then I made the mistake of introducing him to another friend. I'll call that one Timber. 

Timber and I also used to be good friends, but a large part of that was I looked up to him as a spiritual mentor. I went on a church mission for two years and then when I came back he told me he had left the faith. We kept the friendship and hung out a lot. Even though I was emotionally devastated that he was no longer the same person I used to look up to. In fact, before I introduced them, Arctic used to help me a ton getting over that depression. 

The problems started shortly after introducing Arctic and Timber. At first the three of us became close together, but then slowly I was becoming excluded from everything. I thought they just we're hanging out a lot. I became college roommates with Arctic and noticed changing behaviors. He would skip work (a Job I got for him) stay out and up to extreme hours, and wasn't dependable. This made a lot of tension between us. It took nine months and me accidentally discovering gay porn of them that I discovered the reason they were pushing me away. During that time I was trying to get my friends back and hang out, have fun, but I suppose I pushed more than got close. I was often upset at Arctic, who used to be so close, for spending so little time with me, and skipping church and work all the time. After I discovered why (my church is against gay relationships. I apologize to those who think differently, I have nothing against gay people, but am very religious. All our families were from the same church) I was devastated and felt betrayed again by both of them. They tried to be nice, and so did I, but the rift was getting bigger and bigger. I revealed their relationship to their families out of my pain and wish I hadn't. I essentially broke trust after feeling my trust was shattered, after feeling pushed away for so long. I should not have, but I was hurt and lashed out. Up until then, I did not see how much Arctic was trying, but now they both have written me off. Lots of drama roller coaster of both sides being at fault, trying to make up. Arctic caught in the middle most of the time torn between relationships. Me with some trust related PTSD caused by what happened with Timber and depression and them with lots of lies and excuses about why it was okay for them and why they couldn't trust me when they first wanted to date. I feel like if they told me I could have trusted them and let it be instead of how this all blew up. 

What I wanted so badly this whole time was to have my good friend Arctic back. I believe Timber will never forgive me, nor should I be around him because of who he is now and the PTSD I got from him when he left the faith and emotionally devastated me, but I wanted to know if it was a good idea to try and make friends with Arctic again, to give up for a while and try later, or to write him off? I suppose I feel badly and at the least don't want our last words to each other to be so full of hate. 

* * *
 
​Hi, Fellow Furry,
 
Thanks for your letter. A quick question, if you don't mind​: you say you are very religious and your church disapproves of gay people. Do you feel you can accept Arctic in your life even though he is gay? And what if this meant you would have problems with your church because they would not agree with your accepting him?
 
This will help with my reply.
 
Cheers,
Papabear
 
* * *
 
My church is the kind of "hate the sin love the sinner" church, so for me I want my friend to stop, especially with Timber, but I can accept Arctic for who he is. I think the church would accept him too as long as he is willing.
 
* * *
 
Hello again, and thanks for answering that question. (Quick note: you are misusing “PTSD.” Post-traumatic Stress Disorder comes about when you have suffered grievous physical harm or threat of physical harm, such as being a combat soldier or surviving a tsunami. Having difficulty with a friendship doesn’t qualify.)

I hear a lot in your letter about what you miss about your friendship with Arctic and Timber, but I don’t really hear anything about what you contributed to it. And, while you acknowledge that your outing of them to family was wrong, the fact that you did so is very disturbing and is a much deeper betrayal than anything Arctic or Timber did or are perceived to have done to you. Finally, although you say you can accept them for being gay, your church mindset of “hate the sin, love the sinner” means you will never fully accept them for who they are. Just by saying “hate the sin” means you cannot accept gay people and consider being gay to be a moral failing, which it is not. Being gay is not the same as committing a sin, such as murder or stealing. It is simply a state of being, and until you can accept that fully you will never be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone who is a homosexual.

I’m actually impressed by Arctic and Timber for putting forth the effort for so long to be your friend. A real friend would be supportive and not so judgmental. For example, when Arctic was having those behavior problems it was likely because he was struggling tremendously with his sexuality and perhaps also your friendship difficulties. Instead of trying to find out the cause of his missing work etc., it sounds as if you just got angry at him for being unreliable. Arctic needed your support at that time, not your anger.

Until you can learn to be a better friend and to accept homosexuals for who they are and not consider them to be innately sinful, your desire to be friends with Arctic and Timber is contraindicated.
 
Good Luck,
Papabear

​