Write to Papabear

Fears Are Keeping Him from Exploring His Gender and Sex More Deeply

4/26/2018

Hello, Papabear,

Thank you for addressing my letter.

I have had problems with gender and sexuality for as long as I can remember, and they escalated during my adolescence. I was diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, and have since tried my best to cure it. I have sought help from one of the specialists in my country, and the disease seems mostly controlled now, at the age of 24.

However, thoughts about gender and sexuality continue to plague my mind even today. I never had a relationship with a woman, despite the fact that I tried many times to have a stable and lasting relationship (though most of the times the women I was interested said they already had a boyfriend when I asked them on a date), but I have had experiences with men, though none of them lasting relationships.

Not all of these experiences were pleasant, because although I did not mind oral sex, I have a immense fear of penetration and its consequences.

But back to gender, the main problem.

It seems like I am particularly sensitive to transgender-related topics. There are no transgender news that I won't read about, or transgender characters that I won't take an interest in, or transgender videos that I won't watch.

When I come into contact with this topic, I start to wonder and ruminate about being female, how would I feel, what it would take, and if I wouldn't regret it. I have tried female clothing in the past and I have liked it. I often fantasize about being female (or at least feminine). I am a bit scared of the implications of being female in society, however.

For some time, I joined a transgender help group, but left because I felt like I was going down a path that I would regret, that would destroy my relationship with my family. I was always their 'golden boy', and they have always supported me. But telling them about this, or having Sex Reassignment Surgery would be my ruin.

I tried talking about my therapist about this, but I feel like she is a bit transphobic herself. I once talked to her about a MtF that was my friend, and she insisted that she was a man. Seemingly shoving it down my throat at every possible opportunity. Still, I can't search for another therapist because my parents like the progress regarding OCD I made with this one. They insist I remain with this one, and if I don't, they start arguments with me.

Last year I decided to burry this 'transgender business' as I called it, and tried to move forward. Most days, I am happy with being male, and even acknowledge that being a man has it's advantages. Other days, I feel an unavoidable need to be feminine.

These cycles come and go: Some days I discard it as being ridiculous, about not passing as or even wanting to be female (I wonder if it has something to do with having a conservative and transphobic family). Even consider wether or not this fixation on femininity is part of my OCD. Other days, like today, it's so strongly present in my mind that it leaves me depressed. I look at my body and feel discomfort. I lack breasts, and looking down I can't see a vagina.

I can't get it out. I can't get any closure. And I am always so confused.

Can you please help me?

Thank you,

Anonymous (Portugal)

* * *

Dear Furiend,

Please forgive my late reply. I had to take a month off from my column for personal and work reasons. I hope it is not too late to reply.

This is a difficult letter to address because you have already taken a number of recommended steps and have not found satisfaction. You have sought therapy and you a help group to no avail. I agree with you that if you are not comfortable with your current therapist you should look for another one, and then we run into the parents issue. Evidently, they are paying for your therapy. While that is great that they are trying to support you, it's not so great that they won't let you switch therapists. Noting that you are 24, though, one has to wonder why you are not out on your own by now and managing your own life. Are you still in college and living with your parents? Is there any way you can pay for a therapist yourself and, thus, make your own choice as to whom you should see?

While your OCD is not directly related to your transgender issues, it might, indeed, be making it more difficult for you. But even if you didn't have OCD, you probably would still be thinking about your gender and sex a lot. Understandable. I don't believe your desire to be female is going to go away if you ignore it, so it is something you will, at some point, have to hit head on.

One step at a time, though.

It is clear that your parents and your therapist are holding you back. Therefore, the first thing you must do is become an independent adult who is in charge of his own income and medical care. You are 24 and it is time that you do this (unless there is something you aren't telling me that is preventing you from being independent?)

I'm sorry to say that I am not familiar with health care coverage in Portugal other than that there is a National Health Service there that helps cover many, but not all, expenses. Perhaps you have already researched this, but if not, you should find out whether and by how much MtF surgery is covered. (By the way, if you are really considering surgery, this is better defined as being transsexual.)

Another thing you can do is look for another transgender/transsexual support group. Since your English is excellent, you don't have to limit yourself to groups in Portugal. As you might imagine, there are many that are based in the USA.

Finally, you need to get over the fear of disappointing your parents. You don't have to be "the Golden Boy" all your life. That's too much pressure and it's not realistic. It is much more important that you just be yourself, and your parents need to accept that. And here's where your OCD is also probably kicking in: you are obsessing that being transgender (or transsexual) is going to "ruin" you and your whole life. You run through it over and over in your head until this fear paralyzes you.

Fear of judgment from others is, in my view, the number one reason most human beings in the world do not reach their full potential or find happiness. Once you let go of that fear, you will be liberated. Sure, it is easy for me to write that down, and I realize that is a difficult road to travel, but it is one you must travel.

Accept yourself for what you are. Don't blame it on OCD. Don't avoid it because of your parents. Seek support from people like yourself. If you are on Facebook, you might try the Transgender Support Circle. There are literally thousands of people there for you to talk to.

I hope this helps you some. Please feel free to write again if I am missing something that needs to be addressed.

Hugs,
Papabear

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Live as Yourself

4/9/2017

0 Comments

Dear Papabear,

First and foremost I would sincerely like to apologise if my skill of the English language is not up to par, since I’m not a native speaker. That being said I would like to ask advice on a problem I’m currently struggling with as of lately, and I hope you can be of any help with my problem.

I’m a 21 year old male who currently has been in the fandom for, I would say, like 3 years now. I have visited some cons and have been enjoying it thus far. I have made some friends there and I’m planning to go to a con this year as well. However, as you might be aware, a lot of people in the fandom are in the LGTB community. And this is where the problem arises. I have always considered myself a hetero-sexual male, but being in the fandom has had a certain influence on my life and I cannot be sure if this previous statement I made is true any longer. Now discovering new sexual interests shouldn’t be a problem, but yet it is.

Even though LGTB communities and official websites state it is something perfectly normal, it doesn’t feel normal for myself. I have of course met many gay furries myself, and some of them I sincerely could consider serious friends. One of them is even engaged and I was very happy for him. But if I notice I have thoughts about having a relationship with someone of the same gender it feels wrong to me, leaving me very frustrated and confused. Even the mere thought of having a crush on someone on the same gender feels wrong. I don’t know why I have these thoughts, and I have no valid reasons why I have them. One of the possible reasons why these thoughts occur in my mind could be because some of my family members are not very fond of Homosexuals, or “weird things” in general. (Though I must emphasize here the words “some of them”, and luckily this does not apply to everyone.) But then again, I would be the only person to blame for having such weird thoughts and being anxious about other people’s believes.

That being said, I really hope this story makes sense in any way. If questions remain, feel free to ask and I shall try to give a more precise answer. And I would like to thank you in advance for helping me out.

Cheers,

Arovos (the Netherlands)

* * *

Dear Arovos,

Being homo- or bi-sexual (or other varieties of sexuality) is actually quite natural (that is, it occurs in nature). It is only considered "weird" because human society does not approve of anything other than heterosexuality (as some of your family believe). You feel "weird" about it and consider it "wrong" because you have been programmed since you were a child that heterosexuality is the only "correct" and "normal" form of sexuality.

I, like you, once considered myself to be completely heterosexual. The reason was that I was raised in quite a sheltered way and I never was exposed to other lifestyles with the exception of television and other media. TV shows always portrayed gay men as very effeminate people who enjoyed dressing as women. Since this was of no interest to me, I thought I was straight. Indeed, I was married for over 20 years and had conventional sex. Then I discovered the bear community and was instantly turned on. Now, as you might sympathize with, this confused me for quite a while, but then I realized I was really gay and I pursued that life happily. You might wonder about my early straight life and sex with a woman. Well, most people, you see, do not fall within 100% straight or 100% gay--there are a thousand (not just 50) shades of grey in between those two extremes.

You are now discovering that you have a homosexual side, as well. This is a result of your becoming friends with LGBT people in the furry community, though it could have happened in a number of other ways, too. This makes you nervous because you fear family disapproval. Very understandable.

So now you come to a decision-making point: do you pursue your attraction for people of the same sex, or do you bow to societal and family pressures and let them determine who you are as a person?

Hint: it is the happy person who lives as himself.

Good Luck,
Papabear

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Boyfriend Is Calling It "Polyamory," But Really He Just Wants to Sleep Around

12/9/2016

2 Comments

Papabear,

I've been in a relationship for about a year now and honestly, it's great. But there's one HUGE problem. My boyfriend is polyamorous and I'm not. When we started the relationship, I was still new to the idea of polyamory but was willing to try it. Now, I find myself hurting every time he's with his girlfriend. I've been cheated on before and it just feels like that again to me. I haven't met this girl yet, but do know a little about her.

On top of it, my boyfriend will blatantly state how girls we see are “hot” or he’d “f**k her.” And it hurts even more. We saw a musical the other day and he even commented on the one actress being hot.

Then there’s the fact that I worry more so about our relationship because I'm transgender and he's never dated outside of cis-females. I plan to get surgery one day and have been on testosterone for only a few days. He says he'll still stay with me but I'm worried even more that he won't thanks to having only dated cis-gender females before and the fact that he seems to be okay with the idea of sleeping around.

I always viewed polyamory as LOVE and not just having one night stands too like he seems to view it as. And I don't want to lose him over this. Before I met him, I was single for over 2 years. I don't want to go back to being single and alone because I'm transgender and a furry. Not many people can handle it. I don't know what to do anymore.

Ryvis (age 22)

* * *

Hi, Ryvis,

Thank you for writing to Papabear on an important issue. Also, I applaud you on your bravery in taking difficult steps toward finding your happiness.

On the subject of polyamory. Polyamory is about the ability to love several people at the same time, more or less equally. It is not about one night stands, as you correctly point out. Sounds to Papabear as if your boyfriend is trying to justify what he is doing by excusing it as polyamory when, in truth, he just likes to sleep around. Also, the two of you have been together a year and you haven’t met his girlfriend? Seems to me that if he was serious about you and open about being polyamorous with all the “loves” in his life, then he would be introducing you by now. Finally, he is showing no respect for your feelings by going on about all the girls he wants to do.

I’m glad you wrote because you need an outsider’s perspective on this, Ryvis. This guy is a jerk. Add to this that you really aren’t comfortable with a polyamorous mate (even though you are willing to try it), then you need to see that this guy isn’t for you.

The only reason you’re sticking with him is because you don’t want to be alone. Also, I have a feeling you have self-esteem issues that make you believe (falsely) that you are not worthy of a lover who is kind and considerate of you. In desperation, you are clinging to someone who “says” he loves you but, based on what you have written here, no, he does not.

Have the courage to get out of a bad relationship. It’s okay to be alone for a while until the right person comes along. In fact, being alone for a bit while you work on your sense of self-worth and also, perhaps, get that surgery, could be good for you. Before you can have a healthy relationship, you have to be healthy (mentally and emotionally) yourself. Otherwise you will fall into traps like this again.

That’s probably not what you wanted to hear (or, maybe it is?) but it is what you needed to hear.

Good Luck! I wish you REAL love in your future.

Hugs,
Papabear

2 Comments

Gay, Furry, and Autistic, He Is at His Wit's End

6/18/2016

0 Comments

Papabear,

I have autism and I'm gay and obviously a furry. I just don't know how to deal with the fact that I'm a living stereotype of all the insults, all the hate. I don't know how to put up with it anymore, and I recently had to come out to my parents because I had just got my first boyfriend and the next day I was texting him and my mom walked in smacked my phone and found out everything about me being a furry gay and about him. My mom made me leave him only after being his for less than 2 days. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Tyler (age 15, Florida)

* * *

Dear Tyler,

As you might imagine, Papabear gets questions like this all the time in various forms. Sometimes I just write the furry an email and don’t post on my website; other times I do. I post on the website because no two situations are exactly the same and also because each time I answer the question “How can I be myself when my family hates all the things I am?” I try to approach it from a different angle. For other versions of this, feel free to browse the “Coming Out Furry” category.

Now to you. I’m going to start with a story. Papabear has a very dear friend named Sam. Sam is an older, gay gentleman who was once married and during that marriage he had two children: a boy and a girl. His son got into some trouble, fathering a child out of wedlock and he did something against the law and was in prison for five years. Through it all, Sam loved and supported his son as best he could.

Yesterday, his son died of a heart attack. He was only 30. Sam is crushed, his heart is broken, and he’s been weeping uncontrollably since he heard the bad news.

Here you have a man, Sam, who came out gay. His son accepted him. Here you have a son who went down the wrong path and ended up in jail. Sam loved him still and tried to help him. They loved each other. They appreciated each other. Therefore, even though their time together was cut short, they didn’t waste their time and found joy even when there was heartache.

On the other hand, here’s another story. It was published in 1995 as a book titled Prayers for Bobby: A Mother's Coming to Terms with the Suicide of Her Gay Son by author Leroy F. Aarons. This true story is about a very religious Christian woman named Mary Griffith, who learns that her son, Robert “Bobby,” is gay. She utterly rejects him for being gay. She tries to “cure” him through prayer. His son, devastated by his own mother’s rejection of who he is, jumps off a bridge at the age of 20 and kills himself. Afterwards, Mary comes to realize that she destroyed her own son and there was really nothing wrong with him. But it’s too late. Griffith has since then become an outspoken advocate for gay rights.

Here you have two parents, both devastated by loss. The difference is that one had a loving relationship with his son and no regrets because he accepted him, while the other, because she was blinded by ignorance, actually caused her son’s death just as surely as if she had shot him with a gun. The message here is that parents should love their children for who they are no matter what, because you never know when there might not be a tomorrow.

Your mother needs an education in the fact that her denying you a relationship with a boy or doing anything else to stop you from being who you are will not work and will, if continued, destroy your relationship. You cannot pray away the gay. On the other hand, you can be gay and be a Christian. Here is a wonderful sight I stumbled across one day for gay furries just like you: Rainbow Ark. I suggest you go there and read through the material. If you like, send me your mailing address and I will send your mother (give me her name to personalize it) a copy of Prayers for Bobby. She could benefit from reading it, even if she isn't a Christian (I'm assuming, sorry).

All that said, you need to start creating a plan for yourself. Now that the cat’s out of the bag, so to speak, you can expect increasing pressure from your mom and family unless you can turn things around. Here are two courses of action….

Turning Things Around

The optimistic scenario is that there might be hope that you can convince your family that being gay is not the end of the world for you. To try to accomplish this, you need to arm yourself against attacks that the Bible says being gay is wrong. Here is an excellent article by Harvard Professor of Christian Morals Peter J. Gomes that summarizes concisely why this is a fallacy.

Whether or not your family is religious, It is also important for you to take a calm, rational stance on this matter. If you react as angrily as your parents do, then the only thing that will result is a shouting match. You, being autistic and the young teen, are at a disadvantage here because the parents have all the power (financial and legal). Try to see things from your family’s perspective. The underlying cause of their reaction is probably not that they hate you for being gay but, rather, that they are fearful that you will get a disease or some other nonsense that is just as true for straight people as it is for gay people. They might think, too, that because you are gay you’re going to run out the door and have sex with the first guy you find. Also nonsense. Gay people are just as capable of love, monogamy, and, yes, chastity, as straight people. Nevertheless, listen to their arguments. Acknowledge them by repeating what they say after they are done, such as, “I hear what you are saying. You think this and this, but actually this is what I am feeling and this is what is true for me….” The same goes for being furry. Some people think that furries turn people gay. The truth is that many gay people gravitate toward the furry community because they find acceptance here.

That all said, there is no reason why you have to go this alone. Get help from a professional. By this, I mean you have such options ranging from family counseling, finding a government social worker, or (and this might go well with your parents) getting your family together with your minister (hopefully you have a good minister and not a homophobic one; if he or she is antigay, then obviously that is not an option). Go to the Resources page on Rainbow Ark for some helpful links.

Worst Case Scenario

I hope this won’t be the case, but there is the possibility of being rejected by your parents, even kicked out of the house. Before this happens, you need to find some support, somewhere you can go if the worst happens. Do you have any relatives who might offer you a safe haven to live? How about friends? If not, seek out an LGBT youth center. In Florida (not sure exactly where you are) check out The Zebra Coalition. You don’t want to be one of the growing number of statistics of young LGBT people wandering the streets because their parents kicked them out of the house.

Find as much outside support as you can: other family members, friends, nonprofit LGBT organizations, government resources. Start researching on the Internet sooner rather than later. You need a safety net.

There is also the possibility that they won’t kick you out, but they will keep you under strict control at home for a long time. If you think you can do it, you might just want to “lay low” for a couple years until you can find some financial independence and move out of the house. Not a great option, but it might be something you need to do.

Get started on the above and let me know how it goes. I know it’s a hard row to hoe, but do the best you can.

Bear Hugs,

Papabear

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Again with the Christian Family Who Rejects the Gay, Furry Son? Fight Back with the Bible!

6/6/2016

2 Comments

Dear, Papabear,

Before I get to my question I would like to give my sincere condolences for your mate, and I would like to say I know what it's like to lose someone you love. Also I am really looking forward to the furry book coming out, it is on my list of books to read, right up there with Harry Potter and The Cursed Child.

Now onto my question, while looking for my fursona because I just found the fandom a few weeks ago I found something that I was suspicious about but not certain of, I was gay. I am still in the closet with my family but I told my friends because I trust them more than my family. I had told my mother about a year ago of my suspicions and I thought I could trust her but she went and told the rest of my family, including my grandmother who is a pastor. Next time I saw my grandmother she gave me biblical reasons as to why homosexuality is wrong, as a person who thinks Christianity is a bunch of poppycock and is questioning everything I have ever been taught I almost called her out on it but did not. My whole family is homophobic and they absolutely despise furries calling them freaks who need to be committed to a psych ward, so as a homosexual furry that is the worst place to be. What do I do?

Sincerely,

Austin Persing

* * *

Dear Austin,

Hello, and thanks for your patience. Thanks, too, for the good wishes.

It's fine that you respected your grandmother and her beliefs enough not to lash back at her homophobic stance.

Many people who espouse Christianity are very misled. Somehow, for many (but by no means all) Christians, it has become a testimony to their faith that they should hate certain people. Lately, that seems to mean it's okay to hate LGBT people.

I will say that I'm not a Christian (duh, right?), but I do believe in many things the Bible says and I believe that many of the things Jesus supposedly said are wonderful and should be followed by Christians and non-Christians alike (the Golden Rule being at the top of the list).

Jesus was about loving your fellow humans, even (and this cannot be stressed enough) your enemies. He was not about hatred, rejection, and prejudice. Pretty much everything about religion that goes beyond “treat other people nicely and love God” is extraneous, unimportant, and added by religions in order to give priests jobs, build elaborate churches, and start religious wars (to send hate mail, write to: Grubbs Grizzly, 555 Bear St., Getoveryourself, CA 90000).

So your grandmother the pastor gave you “biblical reasons” why being gay is against God and Christianity. You already disagree with her, but if you want some ammunition, here you go:

1. If she quotes Leviticus, you can point out that the Old Testament laws are overwritten by the New Testament (after all, that’s what Christianity is supposed to be about), and then continue by noting Leviticus if chock full of ridiculous rules (well, some might have been practical thousands of years ago, but are not now), including prohibition of eating rabbits or shrimp, prohibitions of growing crops next to each other or wearing linen and wool together, and prohibition of eating raw meat (no sushi for you!), among other things.

2. If she talks about the story of Sodom and Gomorrah, saying the cities were punished for, among other things, gay sex. That’s not true. They were punished for being greedy people who treated others badly. Now, there is a scene where a bunch of Sodomites were coming to Lot’s house to have sex with the angels who were his guests. But this wasn’t sex for the purpose of fun; you see, back then, gang raping people was one form of punishing them through humiliation. Thus, the Sodomites were coming to brutalize and punish the angels, not have a fun gay orgy.

3. I defy your grandmother or anyone to find one single quote by Jesus in the Bible saying homosexuals are wrong or evil.

4. In fact, there is a story in Matthew in which a Roman centurion goes to Jesus for help. This is an important scene often cited by gay men to point out the true nature of Jesus and how the original Greek text is often mistranslated and misinterpreted. The centurion comes out of desperation to a Jewish religious leader (that he does so shows his desperation), Jesus, to cure his ailing young lover (a man he has purchased). In those days, it was quite common for older men of means to buy others as “slaves,” who were really bought for sex. Now, in many cases, these men were beloved by their purchasers. Many scholars have shown that the proper interpretation of the Greek text is that the young man whom Jesus shows no qualms in curing, is gay. Jesus would have known this, being a man of the times and familiar with Romans. Therefore, Jesus must not have had a problem with it. Why? Again, because God ain’t about hate!

I would like to suggest you visit the Gay Christians Network site at http://www.gaychristian.net/ and read up on what they have to say about talking to your family about being gay.

As for being furry—well, I would say it is more important to talk to them about being gay first, rather than tackling both things at once. I’ve talked about this issue many times on my website. You can also have the family watch a couple movies that are out there: Fursonas is a 90-minute documentary directed by Dominic Rodriguez, and Furry is a half-hour documentary by Eric Risher. Of the two, I rather prefer the shorter Furry because it takes less time to watch and doesn’t try too hard to convince people.

The bottom line is this: you can quote Bible verses and show people movies and give them all kinds of empirical evidence to support your case, but chances are you will not convince them because people don’t like their beliefs to be challenged or, worse, threatened, and they certainly don’t want to hear arguments from someone who is “only” 17 because parents and other elders “know better.”

My advice? Don’t try. A day will come very soon for you when you will be able to lead your own independent life the way you want to live it, and if that means that some—or even all—of your family will reject you, then so be it. Who wants family like that anyway? I want family who accepts me for who I am, don’t you? In the meantime, you are, likely, dependent on them, so lay low, don’t push your identity in their faces, and ride it out until you are free.

Be Strong,
Papabear

2 Comments

Gay Guilt, Mixed-Orientation Marriages, and More...

5/17/2016

2 Comments

Dear Papabear.

It’s been quite a while since we've spoken. Ever since I've been going to my psychologist and talking with friends there is just this one gap that I've been trying to get over. Accepting myself as gay.

So far, it’s been the hardest to deal with. More so than coming out, especially due to my religious upbringing, because ... when it comes to accepting someone's non-heterosexuality it always comes with a price. Sometimes the price is too heavy to bear when you're dealing with subject matters like this.

The inability to have children the natural way. In my case, it’s what I really wanted, but I can't have it and now that I'm gay, I don't really want to have children who are either adopted or a surrogate either, if only because I'm afraid that they will be made fun of because of me (even if laws are changing).

The disposition of having to marry a man (not having as in forced, but rather having as in it’s my destiny), when it comes to my family members "Man/Woman" is all they know. And it hurts to even think about inviting them to something they probably would not attend to begin with, and therefore I don't want to invite my friends to it either since I feel they’re just a replacement for family members.

And, overall, my whole attitude regarding it. If I did accept myself, with paying these heavy prices I begin to wonder is it even worth it all? Just for the sake of being happy and being myself? Or am I just being selfish about it? Honestly, this is the thing that I'm most confused by. Selfishness.

I want to accept myself as gay, but what if I end up being selfish? Being gay may be WHO I am, but that doesn't mean it’s WHO I wanted to be. Disregarding other people's feelings for the simple fact that I'm gay. And I'm not proud of my sexuality, and... I’m starting to wonder if this is the one thing that I've been struggling with ever since, and I'm not too sure exactly what I should do. It’s astounding really. I can accept other people for being gay, but I can't even accept myself. And if I were outed to a bunch of people I knew, I tend to wonder what would go on in the back of their minds and I'd be too fearful to face the world.

So... I need to ask. What should I do to accept myself?

Wolfthorne

* * *

Dear Wolfthorne,

Your letter is a perfect example of an argument against those idiots who declare that “being gay is a choice.” Who would choose to go through the kind of anguish you’re going through when it would be so much easier in our society to be straight? Answer: no one. Talk to any homosexual man or woman, and they will likely tell you that it was a tremendous struggle for them to be gay. For many, like you, it’s harder to accept yourself as gay than it is to tell family and friends you are gay.

Coming out can mean a lot of sacrifice, I agree. I had to sacrifice a lot. I had to give up my marriage to a wonderful woman (who is still my friend). It tore me up. The only thing worse than going through that has been Yogi’s (my mate’s) death, but the divorce is a very close second.

I’ve had a lot of success with people accepting me for being gay, however. At the same time, you and I and many other gay people have suffered a lot of guilt and shame. We feel we are hurting other people because of this, disappointing parents who want grandchildren, disappointing even those who might have considered being our spouses but now can’t be.

That is, that’s the assumption we always make, but it’s not necessarily set in stone. You see, there is something called “mixed-orientation marriages” or MOMs, which are when a straight person marries a gay or bisexual or even asexual partner. You might think such a marriage would be doomed to failure. Some, like mine, are, but in many other cases they can be successful. Why might, say, a straight woman wish to marry a gay or bi man? Or vice versa? Sometimes, especially in the past when it was much more shameful to be gay than today even, gay people would deliberately marry a straight person to hide their sexuality and gain approval from their families and society at large. And some societies are even more pressure-filled than in America. In China, for example, there is tremendous pressure for people to marry before the age of 25, and those who are still unmarried by 35 are considered practically social pariahs. In fact, in China there is something called “marriage fairs” where parents post their children’s personal information on boards and hope that someone will pick their kids and promise marriage to them. And it doesn’t matter if the promised one is straight, bi, or gay; the important thing is that they be married.

But back to America (sorry, I just find other cultures interesting). Believe it or not there are people out there who are willing to knowingly marry someone who is gay. The main reasons for this are either: 1) they love the person very much for many reasons other than sex; 2) they want children and see that gay men can be very nurturing; or they are a lesbian who wants kids and likes the man well enough even though he is straight. Just because there isn’t much compatibility in the bedroom doesn’t mean there can’t be a marriage. In fact, many straight marriages stay together even though lovemaking has virtually gone out the door. Sometimes this is for financial reasons or for the children or sometimes the partners simply don’t feel all that sexual any more (health reasons, age, etc.) Oh, and this sort of thing can happen between a straight, bi, or gay person and an asexual person, or with two asexual people.

Do you get that this can be more complicated than you ever imagined? The first thing one must do is throw all assumptions, preconceptions, and social conventions out the window. Start with a blank slate and go from there. Love and happiness do not necessarily stem from sexual satisfaction or desire. In fact, sex should really be just one factor of many in a successful partnership.

Here is an excellent, free, online book about mixed marriages from an author with experience http://mixedorientation.com/introduction/. A lot of it is about finding out the person’s gay orientation after the fact, but much of the information here would be relevant to you in order to get rid of your notions of the impossibility of marriage and children.

That all said, don’t discount the possibility of a very happy marriage to a man. I always like to think of actor Neil Patrick Harris and his husband, who are obviously ecstatically happy and have adopted children. Now, I understand the desire for biological children of your own (still a possibility for you), but please don’t discount the very real joys many parents have with adopted children. Do you think Harris’s kids will be scarred or made fun of? I really doubt it. And they will benefit greatly from being part of a loving household.

Now, that whole “selfish” thing you’re worried about. Stop it ;-) You have every right in the world to pursue your own happiness and to be who you are. Feeling guilty about that is self-destructive and counterproductive, and when that is the case you are no help to anyone. When you are happy, fulfilled, and self-confident you will also become a much better friend, son, spouse, colleague, etc. Example: if Papabear hated himself for being “selfish” all the time, he would be unable to write a column and help others. Point taken?

Seriously thinking of never marrying a man because you’re afraid your relatives won’t come and you don’t want your friends to fill in merely as substitutes? Okay, you say you have no problem accepting others as gay, but you feel your family cannot accept you as gay? You might not see it, but that is an awfully cocky attitude that is saying “I’m more open-minded than my family.” You might be very surprised to find out that many of your family members would attend your wedding. You might consider giving them a little more credit—or the possibility of some credit, anyway. And even if they don’t, what’s more important? Their approval or your happiness?

If you go through your entire life only doing things so that you can be validated and approved, I guarantee you right here and now you will be a very miserable, sad, and lonely person. Guaranteed.

This isn’t a phenomenon just for gay people, either, FYI. Probably the majority of people in this world live lives they hate because they want to have other people approve of them. They marry to gain social status; they pursue careers they despise; they keep trying to one-up “the Joneses” and end up with a beautiful house and car but empty hearts. All of this because they didn’t feel free to be themselves.

The biggest prison on the planet is the Jail of Approval. It has no iron bars, no chains, no walls, and therefore it is inescapable. It is a jail constructed by the inmates.

Realize that you don’t need other people’s approval to be happy. Know that it is okay to pursue your own happiness and that this is not being selfish. I think you are confusing “selfish” with “hurting people’s feelings and sensibilities because they don’t understand you.” That, dear furry, is their problem, not yours.

Hope this helps. Write again if you need more information!

Be Happy!
Papabear

2 Comments

Sometimes, Even Well-Intentioned Humor Is Not Appropriate

4/23/2016

3 Comments

Dear Papabear,

I'm currently making plans for coming out as homo-romantic to my mum. About a year ago, in possibly the most awkward car-conversation we've ever had, I told her about my asexuality, and she's okay with it. Not overjoyed, not disgusted, just along the lines of "I've never heard of it before, but it's nothing to be ashamed about".

I still consider myself ace, but I definitely seem to be finding I have a more romantic connection to men than I once thought, so I'm now making plans to come out as homo-romantic to her. She leads an extremely busy life with very little time to herself, so I'm going to wait until we have a calm moment together, completely by ourselves with no distractions, before telling her about it.

But here's the thing....

After a string of bad ex-husbands, she's always joked that she wants "a tall, dark, handsome, gay toy-boy who's a chef and has a fetish for feet". I'm average height, dark haired and skinned, the youngest of her kids, I work in a kitchen (albeit doing most of the non-cooking related jobs), and whilst I don't have an especially big thing for feet, I'm not that bad at massages.

Seeing as I match many of the qualities mum says she'd want in a man, I'm wondering if I should use this to help lighten the mood when I eventually come out to her. I don't really think of myself as a funny person, but I do think this is a very funny coincidence, and I'm thinking that using humour might help to make it easier for her to accept. I've tried googling to see whether or not this would be a good idea, but no answers there.

I'm about 90% sure she'll accept me liking men. Despite the fact she's had some bad experiences with LGBT folk who've abused her kindness (one gay man in particular who stole £100 worth of our stuff and never got caught), she does talk to an LGBT person if they approach her, and we also watch quite a few LGBT shows together (one of our favourites is a sitcom called Boy Meets Girl. about a cisgender man dating a transgender woman, whom of which is acted by a MFT transgender comedienne).

So, what do you think? Should I use a little bit of humour when I eventually tell her about my attraction for men? I know it's going to have to come out eventually, but I'd like to think I could make the experience a little less painless by making it a little more funny.

Hope to hear from you soon,

Anonymous

* * *

Dear Furiend,

No, I don't think it would be appropriate or very funny to suggest, even humorously, that you could be her gay boy toy chef. I think that would seriously make the conversation more uncomfortable for her. I know it would for me if I were her. The reason for this is that, quite frequently, humor isn't about untruths; it is about truth--often painful truths--being dealt with in a humorous way to ease tension. This is why masterful comedians and comediennes can talk about things like sex, racism, politics, and even violence in a humorous way that actually helps people get a new perspective on life. (There is also unsophisticated humor, such as slapstick and foul language, that appeals to children and dense people, but the best humorists are the type I mentioned earlier, with the most sophisticated humor being satire.) Therefore, the implication of your jest would be, subtextually, that you actually could fill that boy toy role.

Secondly, I don't think it's all that necessary to have a sit-down with your mom about being asexually, romantically attracted to men. First of all, and correct me if I'm wrong, you don't even have a serious relationship with a man on this level yet, do you? Secondly, it will probably be a long time until you do because there are not many men out there who want an asexual, romantic relationship, so why bring it up now? It's a non-issue for the time being. I think you're getting ahead of yourself here. You already had the asexual conversation with your hard-working mum, so give her more time to digest that and get comfortable with it before you spring the next thing on her.

Hugs,
Papabear

3 Comments

Papabear Suggests a Great Article on Coming Out Written by a Conservative Christian

4/1/2016

0 Comments

Hello Papabear,

So I have a question... My family is religious, we're Christians and I am religious along with them... but my problem with this is that because we follow the bible... anything except for normal human, male goes with female sex is a big no no... I am transgender and furry... though only one other person knows...

My fursona, Silvia the orca, is part of me and my personality. I roleplay but I'm worried that my parents will only see the bad side of the fandom... if I come out as furry the other problem is that I'd have to come out as trans as well and I know I would never be looked at the same again...

Please help D:
From Silvia (age 15)

* * *

Hi, Silvia,

I was going to write you a long spiel about coming out to Christian parents (or else link you to earlier articles), but I found someone who did it better. Read this article http://www.gaychristian101.com/Coming-Out.html by a conservative Christian that is most excellent. Among his points are that God loves you, whether or not your are gay or trans or whatever, that parents often misunderstand the Bible, and that if you are in a bad situation you might not want to come out just yet. Read it, it will help.

As for being furry, you might conceal this in addition to not coming out (if you so choose), or you can explain to your parents that this is just a fun hobby and is no worse than watching a Disney movie such as, say, The Rescuers. You might also try joining the Christian Furs at http://christianfurs.net/. You don’t say whether or not you are still a Christian, or if you have turned to some other belief system, but do know you can certainly be both a Christian and a furry, just as you can be a transgender Christian.

Please take a look at these links and let me know if you have further questions. Good luck!

Hugs,
Papabear

0 Comments

BF Needs Time to Figure Out His Sexuality

3/16/2016

0 Comments

Papabear,

I’m having trouble accepting my significant other's possible sexuality. You can refer to my boyfriend as Skittles, his fursona name. We're actually engaged but I’d rather call him my boyfriend until we're married. Anyway, just the other day I found out he thinks he may be asexual. He was homosexual before, and I myself am bisexual with a preference for men, but I consider myself homosexual. I love him more than anything and vice versa, and do not really care what his sexuality is, but I feel like he's more confused than anything. I don't know what has caused this seemingly sudden change. and as much as I don't like mentioning it, we ourselves have “explored our sexuality” one time before. With everything I know about him, it just doesn't make sense. Don't get me wrong, I want to support him, but I don't think that's the right thing to do in this case.

Unfortunately, I'm all he has to really talk to. He has a dark past. Both of his parents are dead, and his mom was very abusive, an alcoholic, and a literal whore. He currently lives with his grandparents, who he simply just doesn't trust. I can't go to my parents for guidance about the situation because they don't like him ever since they found out about that one time when we "explored our sexuality.” They don't know we're together, or that I proposed to him. We've been secretly communicating through email for the past several months. However, they do accept me for who I am and have nothing against homosexuality. I fear that both his past and lack of guidance may be interfering with him.

Kaleb Fox (age 17)

* * *

Hi, Fox,

Okay, first let me point out a contradiction here: you say your parents “have nothing against homosexuality” on one paw, but that they don’t like your boyfriend because you “experimented” with sexuality (meaning, I gather, had homosexual intercourse). So, they can’t have it both ways, and I’m guessing they actually don’t like homosexuals, though it’s nice they seem to be trying to be supportive of you.

While you might be wrong on the above point, I think you’re likely correct about your suspicion that Skittles is confused. He has had a rough life so far, and he is no doubt struggling with his sexual identity. (I’m one person who can certainly vouch for the fact that we sometimes don’t figure out our sexuality as teenagers.) Perhaps he is asexual, but this bear’s instincts tell him that Skittles is just going through some phases as he tries to figure himself out.

Therefore, the best thing for you to do is to be patient with him and don’t push him in any direction when it comes to sex; let him work on it himself. There are many many many other aspects of a relationship that you can explore and share in the meantime. In fact, if I were you, I wouldn’t even broach the subject of sex unless Skittles does first. If he does, let him talk, just listen, and bite your tongue to prevent any reflexive verbal reactions. Think carefully before you speak.

More important than sex right now is your relationship as a whole. You need to work on not having a secret relationship, which might not fully happen until you are both of legal age, but if your parents are understanding, as you say, it might work for that half of the family. His half, however, sounds like they will be more difficult to deal with.

Hope this helps. Good luck!

Papabear

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Being Youself Can Take Bravery

2/28/2016

0 Comments

Dear Papabear,

I'm transgender, FTM, and struggling to tell my family. My mom, formerly dad (MTF herself, I do use male pronouns/say dad when around strangers) knows and is very accepting of me. My stepmom is also MTF and supports me as well. I'm planning on starting testosterone soon, but my mom and sisters are very transphobic, completely cutting off my mom (MTF) from their lives. To them, my mom doesn't exist anymore, while I still talk to her daily. I would love for my other mom and sisters to see me as a son/brother but am terrified they'll want nothing to do with me. If they want me out of their lives, then I'm also going to lose touch with my two year old nephew who I just adore. I can't stand to keep pretending to be someone I'm not around my family, but I can't stand losing them either. Any advice on how I can start coming out?

Ryvis

* * *

Dear Ryvis,

First of all, count your blessings that your mom and stepmom are in the same boat and supportive of you. It’s vital that you have at least some people on your side as you transition. As for the rest of your family, rejection is very common in life because many people are brainwashed about social standards of “right” and “wrong” that they don’t use the one measuring stick that is the only thing that matters: love.

Whether it is being trans, bi, gay, furry, or even simply a different race or religion, people the world over are faced with rejection simply for being who they really are. This is why almost all of us wear masks that we present to the world, hiding the true us. It’s a sad fact of the human condition.

Some people will go through their entire lives being who they are not. Others, the brave ones, choose to be themselves.

When you choose to be brave, the implication is always that some sacrifice is involved; otherwise, it would not be a brave act. It is brave for a soldier to face enemy bullets, knowing he or she might be seriously injured or killed. Likewise, it is brave for people to admit who they are to a judgmental family, even if they stand the risk of losing people they love such as your nephew (in my case, it was losing my wife to divorce, though we are, thankfully, still friends).

As with the soldier comparison, the best way to face the future is preparation. Really, choosing to march into the battlefield is not longer a choice because you have already decided you are going to start hormone therapy. Once that starts kicking in, there’s no way you’re going to be able to conceal what’s going on. Therefore, be prepared.

There are a few things you can do. First, do some research in the library and the Internet on being transgender, the process, and living your life; there is material out there on how to talk about this, too. Second, sit down and write out your thoughts. This will help you organize your thinking and make it easier to talk about. Third (and you have a little knowledge of this already because of your moms), play out the arguments in your head as to what your family might say and how you would respond. In fact, it could help to do this with your moms. Do some role playing, rehearse.

The best, last hope of getting acceptance from your family is to educate them about transgender people. This by no means guarantees success because, like religion and politics, people usually have their minds made up and are not easily swayed, even when faced with cold, hard facts. That’s people; they can be stubborn to the point of stupidity.

In the end, the most important person for you to please is yourself. If you sincerely believe to the marrow of your bone that this is what you must do, then you have no choice but to do it. Yes, there might be some sacrifice involved, but the alternative is far worse: sacrificing yourself.

I wish you luck and happiness,
Papabear

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