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Hi Papabear,
I have written multiple times before, but this time I'm "all grown up" (not really but I'm 18) and have finally graduated, feelin' old yet? Anyway, this isn't about that. To be truthful, I haven't actually done any furry stuff in forever. Like, I'm talking the actual last time I still was a cisgender girl lol. I'm trying to get back into it, but it's harder than hell. Within the last couple of years, my family--but especially my brother and father--have been weirdly judgmental and borderline hateful sometimes. Basically, half of the things I am are usually bashed: Furries, MLP fans, trans people, people who make headcanons about fictional characters (especially headcanoning that a character is gay or trans), people who are in relationships or are very attached to fictional characters, and some more, but those are the main ones that are literally me. I know it shouldn't upset me, but the Furries one will always tip me off because my brother will always say stuff like, "Oh, don't go to that discord server" just because "furry" is in the name of the group or whatever (apparently, due to a real thing that happened at some point regarding a furry server and some disgusting stuff being posted in secret channels, but he's obviously doing it to be rude). Another thing is that I am a trans man but still not out. I'm also gay, so I always do headcanons for characters if I see them. My current big interest is the Metal Gear franchise. There are 2 characters--Kazuhira Miller and Big Boss--and I am a big shipper of them as I love both of them as characters, so naturally, I talk about it. I did once and my dad said, "You see gayness where there isn't." He had his tone joking, but I could clearly tell he believed it. Also, weird stuff regarding fictosexual people: my fictional other is Old Snake from MGS4 and has been since I was 15. Anyway, sorry for those long paragraphs. They were for catching up and what brought me here. Here's a big one, and the one that made me want to write this after it happened: So about 2 months after my last message back in May 2024 there was a big incident. My dad was listening to a video; it was those podcasts where they bring in a woman and like insult her just for having OnlyFans and other such ignorant things. Honestly, to me, it felt very much staged. So, I mentioned that I said it felt staged and almost like a strawman. He flew off his handles. He started raising his voice, telling me that saying something like that (that a podcast that just insults women seems like it brings in strawmen to insult them) is very rude and for me to say something like that to rape victims--yes, he thought that was a fantastic comparison. Then we got home and he looked at my mom and said, "You should show them the struggles men face," and, of course, my dad started his whole "straight white men are seen as worse than black people" spiel. Talking to a closeted trans man about it is a tough sell, even back in 2024, due to being in a red state. Sorry about the long email, but I just needed to show everything that catalyzed this email: some old, some new but the question is: How do I be myself when it's bashed and made fun of all the time around me? It seems like nearly every email I've ever sent actually just is this question but presented differently. Thank you for reading my long ramble. GLaDOS The Wolf * * * Hi, GLaDOS, Yes, I recall you. You wrote me back in 2020 and again in 2024. And now you are 18 and morphing into that bizarre land we call adulting ;) You thought kidhood was rough! Wait for Adulting! The Sequel! And yes, I am old. I'm working on my 61st trip around the Sun. And I will have to admit that language is changing fast, and I had to look up headcanon (but I did know shipping and straw man, so I'm not hopeless). Please be understanding toward ol' Papabear, therefore, if I sometimes use old people's words in my reply to you ;) You're just another example of the eternal struggle in societies to be different. So, you have a crush on Metal Gear characters and have some fantasizing about other fictional scenarios--so what? That is actually not unusual at all. It is also normal for people to project their own feelings, inclinations, philosophies, etc. onto characters and plots we see in fiction. Whereas you might project a trans view onto a TV character, your father does the same thing from a straight male perspective (at least, he asserts he is straight). Why do people like your father get so riled up about people who are LGBTQ or are fans of MLP or are Furries or whatev? There's a simple explanation, really. People who have been raised to believe in one view and see the entire world from one perspective find doing so to be very comforting. If everyone, for example, was one race, one sexual orientation (among 2 choices, of course), one nationality, and practiced one religion, things would be predictable, and predictable things are reassuring and not scary. This can be a very scary world, as you likely have already figured out, and when things are scary, unpredictable, and seem dangerous, people try to grasp onto things that seem solid and reliable, such as their religion or the idea that you can only be what you look like on the outside. When people's beliefs are challenged, they get scared, and being scared can lead to anger and shouting. The problem is even worse when someone is not of a particularly high intelligence and is unable to comprehend or accept that things may be more complicated than they were raised to believe. People like that will "bash" you and make fun of you because you are different. You challenge their worldview, and this scares them. They aren't able to handle it. They don't have the brainpower, quite frankly, to imagine that not everything is the way they were told it was. Another scenario is when people who are deeply closeted and cannot admit to themselves that they don't fit the mold society imposes on them react aggressively against anything that violates conservative laws. This is because they are afraid they themselves might not be able to fit what society wants. The possibility is very frightening, and so they become homophobes or bigots to create a protective facade. I'm not saying this is necessarily true of your father, but it is possible. So, your question of "How do I be myself when it's bashed and made fun of all the time around me?" has to do not with you but with your environment, the people surrounding you. The strategies available to you are:
Number 4 is, of course, a stupid option. Number 1 changes nothing. Number 2 is a lie. This leaves number 3 as really the best option. I'm not saying you should move out of the house right now, but since you are 18, I would venture to guess you will be moving out at some point soon to go to school or work or maybe join the military (not really a great option for you, I would suggest) or who knows: something to do with growing up, anyway. If 3 is not an option, though, the next best is number 1, but you will need to learn to deal with it in a very Stoic way. The central premise of the philosophical school of Stoicism is that you need to acknowledge that you can't change who people are (nor can you change that sometimes bad things will happen to you), but what you can change is how you react to them. To do so, you have to recognize that your father and brother are, in their way, suffering from a disability. It is the disability of having a closed mind, for whatever reason. Now, you can try to educate them, sure, but that could take years, a lot of effort, a lot of tears, and it might not work at all. So, get ready for another numbered list (I'm German and have a love of numbered lists).
And don't worry so much, GLaDOS. You're fine! The best thing you can do as you enter the adult world is accept yourself for who you are without shame and, indeed, with pride. Speaking of Pride, what a great letter for Pride Month, yes? Go find your people, hon, and embrace your life and your spirit without apologies. Blessed Be, Papabear
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[Papabear note: This letter is a follow up to one from April 17]
Dear Papabear, Oh, hi, again, hehe. I think I was busy last month but I really appreciate your answer, well for your recommendations. Lebanon and Jordan are not safe, either, like, totally. I really would get out and live in Europe--well, not France or Germany (I have my reasons)--but I opt for the British Isles. I can find the community, the love, there, the care. The people are supportive, especially those in the LGBTQ+ community and in the furry fandom. This is applicable to Australia and Canada, as you mentioned, but I don't really find myself able to stay peacefully there. Moving on to the organizations, I know that they are doing a great job, but the way they work/act seems to be insufficient to my desires. Plus, the effort they do seems to be weak compared to the Tunisian police system. And I'm not familiar with them because I feel scared of any possible inconvenince or getting caught. With the acceptance percentange and any efforts to end the Section 230 that discriminates against homosexuality, I feel like this might be the magnum opus of our efforts, at least in this period of time. You see, life goes in waves: There is a wave of positivity and a wave of negativity. When we want a change for the good, it can't happen all at once. There are times when we're progressing and others when we're getting brought back. With homosexuality in Tunisia, an 18% percentage of acceptance is promising but with how I witness parents teaching their kids about hating gays and the behaviour/internet users jokes that propagate their hate towards the LGBTQ+ community, I feel like--if there isn't a miracle, of course--that percentage will become lower and lower until the next generations stops the circle of homophobia for real, and the percentage goes higher and higher. That's what I think, though, so idk. I think it's just that Tunisia and the Arab world in general is built differently. Now, let's talk about the virtual world and how it is a good substitute to enjoy furry world. I'm poor (loudly crying emoji). A VR headset costs literally as much as my father's income in 6 months; we're barely living lol. I only rely on this old laptop and my potato Samsung phone. They barely work, but that's fine. I really want to experience the virtual world even though my father thinks it's only for kids (can't wait to see his reaction for furry porn there). Like, I can see that y'all are having fun there, good and nice people, dang I wished I could play it all day. I thought about working a part-time job, but I'm relying on a fund from the higher education ministry to help me with living as a college student. If they know that I work, they'll cut it off, and I'll no longer benefit from it. I thought about probably selling drawing commissions to probably get out, but, sadly, PayPal doesn't exist in Tunisia, or, to be precise, PayPal doesn't function well here. You can send money abroad, but you cannot take money from outside. It's a long story. It is related to a law that was approved in 1976 (you're probably younger than that lol). Anyways, that law states that the possession of any foreign currency that is considered as a hard currency is illegal in Tunisia, and if you have it, then you should change it to the Tunisian currency in the "Banque Tunisienne," the official public bank of the Tunisian government, otherwise you go to jail and the money gets "equipped " by them. That law helps with maintaining the least growth of inflation as possible, which is good compared to other African currencies, even Libya, but, like, come on. There were efforts to fix the law to make PayPal work as normal, but meh, it's Tunisia. Of course there won't be any solutions to this. Since you are more than welcome to hear other questions from me, I have other questions: You see, I engage with gay yiff media, and there is, like, some specific type that I really love. Like, I love men, all types: skinny ones, fat ones, buff ones etc.... But, I really love the old buff furry men with dad bods. It's not like it's a random thing, but I really really really love dad/son incest furry media, especially the porn, like, hot comics/mangas of old, huge, strong furry men with their adult sons. I imagine myself as their sons--dang, I really want my father to kiss me and f*ck me; not my real father, though, like, he's not my type lol, but it's just that I don't want him to be my lover because I feel like there are other men who would be more fine than my dad, or maybe I avoid real incest love, but still. You hear about furry dads? Asgore Dreemurr from Undertale? Mufasa from The Lion King? Bowser? Bandit Heeler? And other fathers that are niche from famous furry artists? I wanna be their loving son who can benefit from their builds and bodies, like, that makes me happy. Even your fursona, lol, nothing beats a caring old furry bear who sounds like a nice person. NGL, I would take a chance on you, hehe. Is that weird? Does it feel awkward? Is it so kinky a lot of people wouldn't like me? Would I find other old furry men in the fandom who would be more than happy to be in that love dynamic? I really hope I find a sound, good answer from you very very soon. :) * * * Dear Adem, Thank you for your interesting letter. I was frankly not surprised by what you related. I was hoping for better, but in my experience, countries with strong religious elements (Muslim, Catholic) are not openminded about sexuality and treat anyone who is different as someone to fear and/or hate. It is a problem with human societies that has been ongoing for thousands of years but got much worse with the rise of the Abrahamic faiths. Of course, Hindus and other faiths are uncomfortable with the LGBTQ community, too. Interestingly, it is the "pagan" and indigenous societies (considered "pagan" by many religious people) that tend to be much more accepting. For example, Native Americans are fine with it. I also believe aboriginal peoples in Australia and Southeast Asia are not afraid of us. I was not surprised either that you are unable to afford VR equipment. That was a longshot on my part, but I thought I would mention it. Many people struggle to afford such things, and this makes it hard for them to participate in online communities. Of course, you do not need VR goggles and such to participate in VRchat. You just need a good internet connection, but even that can be hard, yeah? And, yes, PayPal access for artists in places like the African continent can be problematic. I have a Nigerian friend with this problem. He is an artist like you and does commissions. So, what do we do? I send him money through an app called Word Remit (https://www.worldremit.com/en/tunisia). I checked, and yes, customers can send money in Tunisian dinars to you. So, you might wish to check that out. As for your attraction to daddy types, that is not an unusual thing in the gay community at all, including in the furry community (Oh, sidebar: I was born in 1965.) I am flattered by your flirtations. :) And I am a bit of a flirt, too, and am not in any way embarrassed. Anyway, yes, you would definitely find furry daddies in the fandom. I hope that answers your questions. I'm here, as always, if you have more. Bear Hugs, Papabear I did not receive this in a letter, but it is a hugely important video that expresses Papabear's views about society's manipulation of people through guilt in order to maintain power (often through organized religions). It is a must-see. Truer words have never been put into a video. Dear Papabear:
Why is "cis" considered negative/would upset people? I've noticed that within some interactions between some people, the term "cis" is considered negative and that it would piss people off. I do not fully understand why, and I also find it a bit contradictory since the furry community is considered to be accepting. I do know that my definition of "accepting" may not align with everyone else's, as my definition is "regardless of background, creed, ethnicity, gender, and any other defining factors of a person, they are to be treated with respect and understood as another human being." Again, my definition may not align with others', and I wish to understand why "cis" is considered a negative thing and may upset people. Aryu (age 18) * * * Hi, Aryu, That is an excellent and highly germane question to ask in these tumultuous social order times, so thank you for your letter. Before I answer the question, a little background for readers because sometimes people think they know what a term means but they might get it a little — or a lot — wrong. The term "cisgender" was coined in 1994 by Dana Defosse, who at the time was a graduate student researching trans adolescent health and wrote a post using the term on the alt.transgender discussion board (Defosse currently works at a library developing health literacy programs). She came up with the term to fill a need for a word describing people who were not trans, so she borrowed terminology used in chemistry in which atoms positioned on the same side of a molecule are designated cis versus those on opposite sides of a molecule, which are designated trans (i.e., cis-trans isomerism). It was as simple as that. Defosse was just trying to find one word to conveniently distinguish non-trans people from trans people in a way that was not awkward for readers. As trans rights have come more and more to the forefront of public debate, the term cisgender has come under fire from both straight people and LGB people. The main objection is that they do not wish to be part of the trans nomenclature that includes such terms as well as the plethora of pronouns. It is, in essence, the fear of semantic infiltration. That is, the fear that those outside your demographic are forcing you to define yourself by their terms. The technique of semantic infiltration has been used historically in politics, such as the Russians inserting terms into debates with the West during the Cold War and then changing the usage of certain terms in order to present a more favorable opinion of their political views. The fear in the LGB and straight communities (not all people in these groups, but some) is that trans people are using words (and defining non-trans people with them) across the LGBTQIA spectrum to forcefully fit everyone into their paradigm so that trans people are not seen as "other." Also there is resentment that "normal" straight people or "normal" gay people do not need a new word to define them because they have been using "straight" or "gay" or "lesbian" for decades. The use of cisgender has hence become embroiled in the literal battle of words in our society. Defosse finally spoke out about this in a Huff Post article dated February 18, 2023, in which she wrote: "Although I’ve not yet experienced personal attacks for being associated with its creation, it is painful when people imply it was intended to hurt others. I never believed that adding the word to the lexicon caused problems ― it only revealed them." In other words, it's not the term that's the problem; the word just reveals the underlying social unrest more poignantly. Defosse continued: "It saddens me to hear that people feel harmed by the word cisgender. Is the creation of the word to blame? No. Cisgender is just a straw man. It is easier to attack a word than to address the reasons people feel intimidated by discussions of gender identity." I hope that answers your question. I recommend reading the entire Defosse letter for her full response. Bear Hugs Papabear (a cis gay bear) Papabear,
I have not told my family that I'm a furry and that I'm transgender. It is hard these days, with all the bad thing about us, but I get by. But I'm very scared, and I do not know what to do. I try to sneak it in, but some people are just stupid. I just feel like my own kind are the only ones that get me. I just want to be loved for who I am without hiding who I am. (Oh, and I have not changed genders just yet, so I'm still a boy.) I just do not want to hate who I am. I want to embrace it because it is me. Do you think you can help me? I also would like it if you can share what you say to others like me. Thank you in advance. Oh, and I believe we need, as a furry community, to stop the false information and hateful things like the uwu and judgement on us. Sorry if I'm oversharing to you; it is just that I have so much to say. Thank you. Ivy Black (age 14) * * * Dear Ivy, Although we're dealing with two things here--being furry and being transgender--it is possible that they are related. Before I get into your specific situation, please indulge me as I talk about a topic of importance that may or may not have to do with you (it popped into my head because of your comment about not wanting to hate yourself). The issue here that Papabear has been hearing about and learning about more and more has to do with body dysmorphia (or, more formally, Body Dysmorphic Disorder). This is a fancy term for not liking your own body. Related to this is gender dysmorphia, or not liking the gender you currently inhabit. According to the Mayo Clinic: "Signs and symptoms of body dysmorphic disorder include:
This is a vital question to ask, investigate, and answer before you continue on your life journey. At 14, you are, of course, in puberty, and you are being filled with a lot of hormones and emotions. It is important not to make any rash decisions now that will affect your entire life in a very powerful way and that you might regret later on. I'm glad you have not had any surgical procedures yet. You should really hold off on those for a few more years (and despite what some people have written me, I happen to know there are some clinics that perform sex-reassignment surgeries on kids under 16, so, readers, please do not write to me about that). Anyway, the same might be said for some furries (and, I think, for people who describe themselves as lycanthropes, therianthropes, and otherkin). I know it is true for yours truly, for if there were a medical procedure available that would turn me into a bear, I honestly think I would consider it (I don't regard myself as a werebear, though). A lot of furries feel that having fur, tails, snouts, etc. are beautiful and they would be happy to look more like an anthro. Alas, it is not to be. Before any of us pursue physical or hormonal therapies, I think it would benefit anyone to stop for a moment and consider working on body acceptance. Too often, we allow ourselves to be beaten down by what others say about our appearance to the point that we hate how we look. This often involves fat-shaming, but can include everything from height, hair, facial features, musculature, skin color, teeth, etc. etc. For example, I am fair-skinned, always have been, because I'm a semi-ginger and I freckle but don't tan. As a kid in Van Nuys, California, I was mocked all the time for not being bronze-skinned. At summer camp, they called me "Caspar the Friendly Ghost." This hurt a lot to the point I was constantly trying to tan and, instead, ended up burning myself to the point of getting blisters. Not good. Eventually, I woke up to the fact that I was hurting myself because of a bunch of shallow idiots. Don't follow my lead. Don't listen to others. I am, admittedly, using your letter as a jumping-off-place to discuss the important point that we need to learn body acceptance. Obviously, only a small number of furries really have body dysmorphia, and most trans people want to get surgery for their own, not others', reasons. I just urge caution, especially for those who are still going through puberty. You can do a lot of damage to your body if you go through hormone therapy before your body can handle it. Hormone therapy side effects can include heart disease, certain cancers, liver damage, blood clots, stroke, and dangerous drops or increases in blood pressure. Genital surgery (vaginoplasty, in your case) can sometimes have unpleasant complications, too, including difficulty with urination and the formation of fistulas, which might lead to feces being excreted from the newly constructed vagina. Needless to say, this can adversely affect one's love life as well as one's physical and mental health. I'm writing the above not to freak you out but to make sure you are aware of all the dangers. Depending on the source, anywhere between 1% and 8% of those who underwent surgery decided to detransition, but even this is not always successful. On the more optimistic side, this means that as many as 99% are happy with the results. Last word: be absolutely certain this is right for you before pursuing surgery or hormone therapy. That's all I'm really saying here. Okay, with all that aside (whew! and sorry!) let's get into the broader issue of acceptance. I will definitely say that, in this bear's experience, the furry fandom is tremendously accepting of transexual and transgender people. Indeed, two of the four Good Furry Award winners are transexuals, and people win that award by being nominated and voted on by the furry community. Another way, therefore, that your transgender and furry desires are related would be exactly what you said in your letter: seeking to find acceptance for being yourself. Of the two subjects, I think the one to address first is your being transgender. It is important to note that there is a difference between saying "I am transgender" and "I am a transexual." Transgender is an umbrella term used for anyone who feels that their gender is not in alignment with the sex they were born with. For example, a male born with, obviously, a penis and scrotum feels inside himself that he is really a female. This is not limited to just female and male genders but can encompass the many and wide variety of genders being defined today, including intersex, gender fluid, gender nonconforming, androgynous, bygender, neutrois, and on and on. Transexual is a much narrower category that falls within transgender (that is, all transexuals are transgender but not all transgender people are transexual). Although the definition I'm about to give has been starting to change, for purposes of this discussion we will define transexual as someone who has finished or commenced with a medical procedure for sexual reassignment. It sounds to me that you have correctly identified yourself as transgender and that you are considering becoming transexual (the above is for the benefit of my other readers). You have every right to be yourself and to be accepted as yourself. You shouldn't have to hide who you are from your family and friends. When it comes to friends, the good news is you can pick and choose. Pick the people who support you to be your friends, and anyone who does not support you is not really a friend, so don't worry about them. You don't need them in your life and you do not need their validation. Family is more of a challenge. You can't pick your blood, so if they don't accept you, you're still kind of stuck with them, especially at your age when you're still a dependent. You don't say anything about your family, so this is a bit hard for me to gauge. Parents and other relatives can run the gamut from unsupportive, judgmental, and strict to loving, supportive, and flexible. The Planned Parenthood website has some solid advice on coming out trans to family, and they also note some other helpful and supportive organizations such as GLAAD. Be prepared to educate your family as to what being transgender really means to you, and be able to answer their questions. Most fears people have about something like transgender people stem from the fact that they are simply ignorant and have a lot of wild ideas that are incorrect. If your parents are religious, another good resource is Rainbow Ark, which offers support to LGBTQIIA+ furries from religious families. Ignorance of the facts is also a problem for those who criticize or are fearful of the furry fandom. For them, a good documentary to watch is Ash Coyote's The Fandom. It gives a good enough overview of the fandom, what it is, its history, in a way that is not threatening to normies. There are other documentaries out there, too, but this one is an hour and a half and free. The way to fight judgment and negativity about transgender people and furries is the same: education. The more people understand something, the less likely it is that their imaginations and fears will run wild. The more people like your peers and your family understand you, the less you should be afraid of opening up to them. When you conceal your identity and shamefully keep things hidden away, people sense that. You aren't fooling your parents, for example. They know something is going on with you, though they might not understand exactly what. You can alleviate their fears by calmly opening up to them. Educate them. Answer their questions. You aren't doing anything for which you should be ashamed. So, don't be ashamed. Perhaps not all people will "get you" or accept you, but that's their problem, not yours. And you might be very surprised by how many people do accept you once you open up to them. Sorry for the long reply. I haven't written back to anyone in a while and had a lot to get out LOL. I certainly hope this is helpful. Please feel free to write again if you have more questions. Bear Hugs, Papabear Papabear,
I'm in the closet, and if I come out I lose everyone I still care about except for my brother. My mom hates gays but thinks my Greek grandmother molesting me and hitting me and starving me as a kid is ok and says I am being a sissy pretty much cause I don't want to be around her. [I'm] single, male, no job cause of stuttering, can't drive yet, and severe nightmares. i can only sleep in daytime. These nightmares are so bad I can't fall asleep at night. Every sound makes me jump and turn on all lights. I feel pain, and I can't wake up from them, like, Freddy Kruger-style. Of course, no marks when I wake up, but my mental health is declining. I feel so alone, and I am starting to see my nightmares when I'm awake, too. Like, I can see it but only as it rounds a corner or out the corner of my eye. I know it's not real; in fact, I'm an atheist, but this terrifies me. It'ss a deer who wears its skeleton on the outside of its body and stands 12 feet on hinds legs. I'm 6 ft 7, and it holds me down and bites me, causing extreme pain and suffering. [At] age 21 and a half, [I'm] not sure what conversion therapy they were talking about [Papabear note: this is a follow-up letter of one I received in which the letter writer asks if he should go through conversion therapy; I asked for more background, which resulted in this current letter], but I read and watched vids, so I'm scared of that shock therapy stuff. Dating site stuff, all want me to pay, and I currently can't. Money issues and no credit card. When I put my mind to it, I can do tough jobs, but my mind has been deteriorating for years now. I've lost hope. Only reason I ain't dead is my brother, and I am too sissy to end it, and idk how to end it. If you can help that would be wonderful. Also, current counselor is way too queer. I guess I just need someone to tell me it's okay and [get some] advice. Racist south Louisiana, but gay is the new black (aka, gays are being beaten every day, and no cops interfere). I spend time on video games hoping that tomorrow is a better day. Like walking dead, taking it one day at a time. The way my grandma did stuff was she was like the Baba Yaga in [the Witcher]. She weaved a web of lies and fed off my pain but sexually. Grooming and touching and rubbing and hitting and starving. Now [that] I'm larger, I cant retaliate. Why? Cause she is a woman, and I'm a man, and she is old now. Please help if u can. I don't sleep much, and I fear I may go crazy if I already haven't. Solmyr Wizard22 (Louisiana, age 21) * * * Dear Solmyr, Yours is a terribly sad story. I see why you might ask about conversion therapy. So, we need to be clear here. Conversion therapy does not work and never has. It is, indeed, a form of mental and emotional torture and has been banned in several states (see this map https://www.lgbtmap.org/equality-maps/conversion_therapy). People who still believe in conversion therapy consider being homosexual a type of mental illness or social deviancy. This is not true. There is nothing wrong with you, which is why conversion therapy doesn't work (you can't "cure" something when there is nothing to cure). Indeed, as you can see here, conversion therapy is dangerous: https://www.hrc.org/resources/the-lies-and-dangers-of-reparative-therapy. Being gay and having family hate you for it seems to be only part of the issue. Your grandmother is a huge problem, too, as you know. The nightmares you are having are likely a manifestation of your fears and horrors experienced while living with this horrible woman. She is the deer with the skeleton on the outside of her body. Because your anxieties are depriving you of sleep, these dreams are now manifesting in your waking world. When you do not get enough sleep (REM sleep), you can experience many side effects, including hallucinations, and this appears to be what you are experiencing now. Of high importance at this time, therefore, is for you to get some sound, restful sleep. Here are some tips from Harvard Medical School (https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/tips-for-beating-anxiety-to-get-a-better-nights-sleep). If need be, try over-the-counter sleep aids (I would avoid ZzzQuil as it tends to exacerbate nightmares). You can also talk to a trained therapist about how to alleviate your anxiety to sleep better. Speaking of counselors, yours is evidently not a good match. There is nothing wrong with shopping around for a therapist until you find one with whom you are comfortable and who helps you. Your mental health issues are peaking, which is concerning since you are entertaining thoughts of suicide. For this, I would ask you to please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 800-273-8255. It is a free call and you will reach people who are trained specifically with this issue. And, FYI, it is GOOD that you are "too sissy" to kill yourself. This means you still have a will to live. Hold onto that healthy desire to live. You also need to start working toward getting away from your present environment, especially your grandmother, but also your gay-hating parents. YOU are NOT the problem. THEY are. You have not done anything wrong. Being gay or bi is not a moral failing. You don't make clear why, at 21, you don't have a job, but you need to amend that. If the problem is your anxiety, then deal with that first and then work toward employment. If you are disabled and cannot work, then apply for government disability. Do anything to get some money so you can take control of your life. That's my initial advice to you. You can write again any time when you have more questions. Hugs, Papabear Papabear,
I was barked at on my way home from school, and was handed a homophobic note in my locker. I don't know how to handle this. I know I'm not supposed to come to you about this. I just need some advice. I'm sorry. Alice (age 13) * * * Hi, Alice, There is no reason why you can't come to Papabear for this question. I'm happy to help. I'm assuming "barked at" means that your fellow students know you are a furry, as well as gay. I'm sorry you're having to go through this, but it is quite common when one is at school. I, too, was often mocked and even beaten up at school for being different. Here is my advice to you: First of all, make sure adults know what is happening. Show the note to your parents and also to the school administration. You might not know who put the note there (bullies are notorious cowards), but just making adults aware of what is going on will help to put them on the lookout for future incidents. This is not being a tattle tale. It's being smart. Second, keep records of EVERY case of bullying, taunting, and any other abuse. That means, keep copies of anything written (on paper, in text, etc.). You can also record video chats, although it's a little more complicated. Here is a video on how to record vidchats on your Android, and if you have an iPhone, it's a bit easier to do this. If you are being bullied face to face, you can simply use video record on your mobile device. Keep a journal about any incidents, too, and record times and dates and describe the people involved if you don't know their names. If you feel in any way physically threatened at school, again, tell the school administrators. When you are not on school grounds, it might be a good idea to carry pepper spray with you. Do you walk in a safe area? Make sure you don't walk alone in dark or remote areas. You might also consider taking self-defense classes. [Note: I've gotten some feedback on Facebook about my advice on telling school admins about the bullying. While I say you should still do this, it is true that some schools are not responsive to bullying claims. In such cases, that is when you need parents as allies. One psychologist, Dorothy Espelage, a Ph.D. Professor of Childhood Development, said this: "If a parent has repeatedly gone to the school about their child, his or her child being bullied and they feel that the school is not being responsive, I often say these are your choices. When I talk to parents, I say, "Can you get your child out of the school?" If you can get your child out of the school, do that because we know that in some cases just moving the child away from a non-responsive, unsupportive administration may actually reduce the bullying. In many cases that's not an option, right. It just would be too much disruption for a family to move so I then say, "You know, have you thought about seeking legal counsel because increasingly schools will respond to a lawyer calling versus a parent that has repeatedly called. If they don't want to go that route, then reach out to some professionals in your area and try to put pressure on the school administrators and go to the school board and have a conversation about how it is that the administration has been non-responsive. What we don't want to do is the parents sit back and wait for the school to respond because they will not. The schools are failing miserably in responding to bullying incidents in our schools, and parents have to be proactive, and so please think about removing your child, seeking legal counsel, or going to the school board to hold that administrator accountable."] I don't mean to scare you by the above; I'm just covering all the bases. Judging by your email, it hasn't gotten dangerous yet. You are just facing some moron cowards who are making fun of you to feel better about themselves, which is, of course, pathetic. You should keep that in mind: What they are doing is juvenile, cowardly, and a poor reflection on their character. It is NOT evidence that YOU are in any way a bad person. You are growing up in a world that hates people who are different, whether that is because of race, income, sexual orientation, or being a furry. Alice, I know you feel bad and maybe embarrassed by what happened, but it should actually make you feel special. It is not the ordinary and accepted people on this planet who are special, it is the weird people who challenge social conventions that make the world wonderful. People like you. Do not feel alone. You are not alone because you have an entire furry community who is like you and who are there to be your friends. You also have a huge LGBTQI community. Don't worry about getting approval from derps and twits like the ones who left you that note or barked at you. They're losers. They are the sort of people who make this world a crappy place. Why would you want their approval? You shouldn't. You're a special person because you are unique and willing to find out who you really are as a person rather than trying to be like everyone else. The fact that you are an individual and not a conformist is what irritates boring people like those who have mocked you. I hope this helps. Let me know if you have any other questions. Hugs, Papabear Papabear,
Okie, why do Christians hate gay furry people? They have always been hating them, but they claim that they do "love" them. (Especially where I live. If you are gay, don't expect to be treated like a human, just hide it for your safety). My parents found out I was gay by guessing (they are good at it). Now they see me walk feminine, they make me walk again till they see I "walk like a man." They call me names ("sissy," it's annoying), and they just stress me a lot. Can you please help me? Possible Snow (age 13, Alabama) * * * Dear Possible Snow, Christians do not hate gay or furry people. True Christians who follow the teachings of Jesus Christ follow His command to love ALL humankind. There are dozens and dozens of passages in the Bible that tell us to love one another. For example, in John 15:12, Jesus says, "This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you." Jesus doesn't say to love only fellow Christians or only straight people or white people or to hate gay people. Therefore, those who say they are Christians and then say they hate you for being gay (or for anything) are not true Christians. They are a sadly common breed of fake Christians that have overwhelmed the Church in America and around the world. Fake Christians get around the Word of God by saying things like: "Hate the Sin, Love the Sinner." This is just a convenient way of trying to get around what God (according to their own religion!) says so that they can pretend to love you but, in truth, they look down at you with contempt. I experienced a horrific example of this two years ago when I got married to Michael. We invited his only sister--a classic fake Christian--to join us at the ceremony. But she told us she preferred to go to her minister's retirement party than to be there for her only sibling. The reason, obviously, is that we are gay and the marriage makes her uncomfortable. Now, when I confronted her on this, she protested, saying, "But I LOVE you Kevin!" I call bullshit. Actions speak louder than words. She hurt me and Michael deeply because she is a bad sister and a bad Christian. Oh, the pièce de résistance was when she surprised me at the front door around Christmas time to hand me a Christmas card with a $20 Starbucks card in it. Good Lord! Oh, yeah, $20! That makes it ALL better! Pardon my digression, but I think you see my point. You're asking the wrong question. Your question should be this: "How do I convert my parents from being fake Christians to being loving parents who are good Christians?" This is where the Bible comes in. Know your Bible. Read it. Find all the passages in which Jesus commands us to love others. If you need help, see whether you can find a minister who is not a homophobe (this might take some research, but they are out there). Also, I have a link on my website for Rainbow Ark, a resource for gay furry Christians. Check it out. Good parents love their children unconditionally. Apparently, you need to teach them how to be good parents. This is hard to do living in a state like Alabama, which is the heart of Homophobe Country, but if you talk to them in a way they understand by using the Bible, there is a chance they might listen. Good Luck, Papabear Hey Papa Bear, I hope you’re well.
If I’m being honest, I’m not entirely sure what kind of answer I’m expecting from this question or whether this is really a question at all or where the root of this problem lays. I’ve milled over what kind of thing I’m facing actually is, and how any one way might end up making me look ignorant, spiteful or at worst discriminatory. Something that disgusts me to think about. It’s probably best if I set things up. I started partaking in furry activities, attending meetups and familiarising myself with the scene from around 2014 or 2015, and my earliest months went about as you’d expect a newcomer’s early months to go: A few good friends, a fair bit of time watching from the sidelines and occasionally chipping in where I felt comfortable. It wasn’t until a few months later into the first group of friends, comprised of a number of individuals (including some well-known faces in the community) who would frequently talk to me and otherwise make me feel welcome. These are friends I have often met with, and even gladly invited to my wedding some years ago. This group felt wonderful to be with, and taught me a great many things about gender identity, the issues surrounding LGTBQ individuals and helping me to understand and appreciate the issues that such a community faces daily when I’d previously not been exposed to such issues or even properly talked to or met those involved. I’m proud to say that these are now issues I long to help any of my LGTBQ friends with wherever in the world they may be, and I’m proud to say I’ve made numerous friends across the globe in this community. My problem now, however, revolves around this friend group’s behaviour that has always been present but appears to have intensified in recent years, and some of the things that are now said on a frequent basis. A common thing is the discussion of drama pertaining to individuals the group may see as enemies which are already draining enough, but the more worrying and discomforting to me is their apparent readiness to brand cisgender and heterosexual individuals as inherently problematic people who are deserving of ridicule and contempt (including posting derogatory memes intended to mock those people to public social media). My time talking to these friends helped make me aware of the inherent privilege I have over others: I’m a white, adult male who is married to my wife in a fairly traditional marriage. Despite this however, it didn’t make the apparent news that I am inherently harming some of my closest friends by being who I am any easier to come to terms with. It was and still is hurtful to hear that being a cisgender person is somehow making the lives of others and the lives of those I care about worse. I have reached out to a few of these in the group privately to discuss my concerns and how such comments make me feel, and the feedback I’d receive didn’t inspire much in the way of confidence; being told that how I had no right to be upset given my privilege. Being told that if I wanted to be a true ally to LGBTQ people that it was my duty to take what they were saying and just agree. Being told to simply accept that being who I am inherently causes problems in these people’s lives. This leaves me with my current dilemma. This has gone on for long enough that I feel like I need to walk away from these people and their mindsets. It feels like what could be described as a toxic environment to be in, especially when I look at my friendships with others elsewhere that are all genuinely wonderful. Despite my heart telling me that it’s the right thing to do, my head leaves me conflicted. Will walking away from this group mean I’m betraying them and their struggles, given my position of privilege? Am I betraying the struggles all my friends from further afield have faced? Many thanks for your time, and apologies for the lengthy write-up. Anonymous (England, age 30) * * * Dear Furiend, Thank you for writing me on such an important topic. Oh, my, it opens a can of worms, doesn't it? If I do say so myself, you are asking the right bear. As a man who thought he was straight for 40 years of his life (long story) and who was married to a woman for 22 years and is now openly gay and married to a man, I can view the LGBTQ community from both sides. This has to do with reverse prejudice and applies not only to LGBTQ v. hetero debates but also to any debate involving bigotry (race, religion, nationalism, etc. etc.) But let's just focus on LGBTQ rights in England (and in the USA, since I'm more familiar with that) for this letter, since that was your question. Both countries have treated gay and trans and bi people horrifically for hundreds of years. In England, homosexuality was a crime until 1967, when the Sexual Offences Bill was passed, but even then you had to be over 21 and discreet about sex, AND the law only applied to England, so being gay was still illegal in Scotland, Northern Ireland, the Isle of Man and the Channel Islands. A great example of the pain and injustice caused in England by this policy can be summed up in two words: Alan Turing. (You might know this story, but it is also for the benefit of my other readers, so be patient). Turing was the brilliant mathematician and computer scientist who, along with his staff, invented the machine that solved the Germans' code during World War II, saving millions of lives. After the war, the British government determined he was gay and found him guilty of "indecency." He was forcibly chemically castrated. Turing was so tormented by this that he committed suicide. So, the man who saved untold numbers of people from the Nazis was tortured to death because he was gay. Oh, the queen pardoned him in 2013, long after he was dead. So helpful. Back to the law. So, anyway, Scotland then decriminalized being gay in 1980 and Northern Ireland did so in 1982. The Isle of Man finally made it legal in 1994. Homosexuals in England could serve in the military beginning in 2000, and the Civil Partnerships Act of 2004 gave gay couples the same rights as married hetero couples. But it wasn't until 2014 that gay couples could marry in England and Wales. The point of the above is that these events are still fairly recent, and the pain of injustices perpetrated against homosexuals in England runs deep. It has been an uphill battle all the way. For example, Pope Benedict XVI berated the English government for its gay equality laws in 2010 (fortunately, Pope Francis is much more tolerant). In America, homosexual couples did not have the right to marry until 2015, and in many U.S. states, businesses can still legally discriminate against us. The House of Representatives just passed a new equality bill, but it has to get approved by the Senate, still. So, you can easily understand--and it sounds like you do--why LGBTQ people are still miffed, to say the least (I didn't even go into all the stats on gay and trans people being beaten and murdered over the years), at the hetero community, many of whose members still behave horribly to us today. When a group of people is discriminated against, hated, and abused simply for being who they are, those people tend to group together to find strength in one another. So, the black community in America has formed a strong, unionizing culture; Native Americans have; LGBTQ people have, and so on. But these groups all have something in common: Their tormentors are, by and large, white straight people. So, the hate has been focused on white straight people from all kinds of different minority groups. By and large, it's deserved. When one adds the increasing demand that everyone be Politically Correct, you have a recipe for reverse prejudice and reverse discrimination. Am I saying that all white, straight people are bad? No, no I am not. Focusing again on just heterosexuals, I would venture to say that the majority are good people who don't refuse to serve LGBTQ people at their businesses and don't beat them up or shout insults at them. At the same time, however, they do live in a world of privilege that makes them a bit blind and dull-witted about what gay people go through. I'll use myself as an example. Growing up, I was a very protected child, not knowing anything about the dangers in the world. When it came to homosexuality, I was clueless. About the only "exposure" I had to what it was like being gay was British comedies such as Monty Python's Flying Circus and The Two Ronnies, in which gay men were always wearing women's clothing and talking with a lisp. So, I thought that was being gay. It wasn't until much later that I learned there were many masculine gay men (bears, leathermen, or just plain joe's like me), and that was quite a revelation. My point here is that, being brought up middle-class, white, and sheltered, I probably made many incorrect assumptions about gay people (and bi, trans, etc. about whom I only found out later in life), which likely resulted in my saying stupid things when I was an adult. Not sure, but I probably unwittingly insulted a lot of gay people in my youth and early adulthood. Now, if you take someone like me and put them in a restrictive, conservative, religious environment, they probably end up coming off even worse to the LGBTQ community without meaning to. I do believe that, because of this and the long history of discrimination, LGBTQ people will conclude that all straight people are intolerant bigots, and if you don't agree with that assessment, then you're an intolerant bigot as well in their minds. This, of course, is incorrect. So, we have three factors that combine to result in the attitude you are seeing in your LGBTQ group: 1) a long history of discrimination and hurt against LGBTQ people; 2) the ignorance of those in the straight community that causes them to be dense or unsympathetic about their plight; and 3) the current atmosphere of hyper-PCness that causes people to bristle at the slightest hint of a potential slight against their community. This triple whammy results in the offended community (in this case, the LGBTQ community) taking an overly defensive, hypersensitive posture that then results in their becoming blind to other points of view, and this is what causes prejudice on their part. They are being prejudiced against you because you come from a "privileged" background. And once people start seeing you as something "other" than them, you are going to have a very difficult time fostering empathy from them. As you might know, a lot of gay people have fled into the furry fandom, hoping to land into the comforting arms of a welcoming community, and most of them did. There are a lot more furries identifying themselves as LGBTQ in the fandom than in the general population. Establishing a safe haven within the community has the side effect of also becoming defensive of said territory, as you have personally experienced. Part of that defensiveness includes intolerance for outsiders and differing opinions, which then results in what I call the George W. Bush position of "you're either for us or against us." No in-between; no compromise. Intolerance of outsiders within a community of people who feel oppressed can lead to the blindness of their own shortcomings. For example, black people have sometimes discovered that furries--who are by and far largely white--treat blacks rather myopically and, yes, with prejudice. A big problem is that white (notably, often gay) furries seem to be under the impression that black people have to pick fursonas that stereotype the black community (I'm talking about America now; obviously, black people have a different history in England but I'm sure they suffer from discrimination, too). One black acquaintance of mine said that furries felt her fursona had to be an urban thug kind of furry, a gangsta, a rapper, things like that, and that they couldn't be, for example, a Celtic warrior; they even went so far as to say her fur should be black and couldn't be, say, purple or pink. I've seen videos of black furries complaining they do not feel very welcome in our furry community, and that's just sad. The fandom shouldn't be just for gay white furries but for ALL people who want to have imaginative fun without restrictions, rules, or barriers. In summation, LGBTQ people have been oppressed for generations and, understandably, have become wary of straight people. In the furry community, they have hunkered down into their own, relatively safe communities where they can feel accepted, but a side effect is they have become overprotective and fearful of outsiders, leading them to form prejudices of their own and forgetting why they came to the fandom in the first place: to have fun and be free of society's constraints. Back to your personal concerns: If your furry group is saying you have "no right" to question them because of your "privileged" birth, they are flat-out wrong. If they are making you feel uncomfortable, then you have every right to call them out on it. Prejudice begins with ignorance and intolerance for people who are different. Point that out to them. Point out that you are on their side but that condemning an entire group for who they are (in this case, straight people) is no better than what straight people have done to them. It works both ways. Our society can only progress if we listen to each other and empathize with each other. No group is perfect. No group is superior to another. The furry fandom should not be a haven only for gay white people but for ALL people. It could be a great equalizer by helping us discover common ground as, ironically, human beings who all desire love, friendship, hugs, and personal freedom. Show your group this letter. Hopefully, this will open their eyes a bit. Hugs, Papabear Hi, Papabear,
I've recently come out as transgender (Female to Genderqueer, I use they/them pronouns). I've been having problems getting anyone to use my pronouns because of my feminine name (which I chose), and even my own husband won't use my pronouns. It's frustrating. Should I just get used to not being addressed properly, or should I change my name and work towards a top surgery to come across as more masculine? Is there another option? Thank you for your time. Atlas * * * Dear Atlas, Thank you for your excellent (and very relevant) question! I've been waiting for someone to ask me this :-3 Okay, so, here we go . . . First of all, I would like to stress that you should never ever ever get surgery in order to please other people. Surgery is extremely serious and should never be performed unless it is either to correct or to fix a life-threatening or other serious medical issue or because you yourself have a deep personal commitment to the procedure (and I mean deep). I would say the same thing about any hormone therapy you might consider. If you don't want to do something like that, then you certainly shouldn't do it just so people can get a grip on their perception of you. No, what is important is how you see yourself and what you want for yourself. It is your body and your life. As for pronouns, I can understand, I think, what you are feeling. While I am not transgender myself, I am a gay bear who is attracted to masculine men and I feel masculine myself. For this reason, I feel it is very cringy when people call me "sister" or "girlfriend" or use the feminine pronoun on me, as some of my gay friends are inclined to do. No, I'm not a girl and I am not your sister. If a gay friend of mine likes to be called those things and wants me to use "she/her" when referring to them, I'm fine with that. But don't do it to me, please. When my late husband, Jim, called me "girlfriend" and "sister" a couple of times, what I did was quickly correct him. "No, Jim, I'm not a girl. Please don't call me by any feminine pronouns or other descriptions." It took a couple of times, but he eventually got out of the habit and we were fine. Pronouns are an interesting thing. Some people think using "they/them" to refer to one person is wrong, but in English we do it all the time. Example: "My friend Bob left their keys in the car." No one has a problem with that, and, in fact, important dictionaries such as the Oxford English Dictionary and Webster's have been saying that using they/them in the singular is perfectly fine, grammatically speaking. For years, as a book editor, I struggled with the awkwardness of editing text to say he/she and his/her in some of the manuscripts I corrected. I was told, when I was a young assistant editor working in Detroit, that I should do this. It made for very clumsy prose, in my opinion. More recently, after some research and consulting with authorities in the language, I am now happy to use they/their in the singular. There have been proposals by some in the gay and also straight community that we should just dispose of feminine and masculine pronouns entirely and use they/them all the time. The counterargument is that this denies the majority of people of all genders and sexes the right to be called by a masculine or feminine pronoun if that is how they self-identify. Sooooo (deep breath), the bottom line, in my opinion, is for English speakers to adapt to the idea that they/them has evolved somewhat and can now be applied to use for general discussions of the singular but also for trans people or anyone else who has that preference. English is a living language, and words change their meanings and usage all the time (e.g., "gay" used to mean "happy" and that was all it meant; "ugly" was often used as a synonym for "mean"; and so on). Sorry for the long walk-through, but now to your specific question: How does one get family, friends, and coworkers to start referring to you with they/them pronouns? Look at it in the same way a teacher might. When you are teaching someone, and they (they!) get an answer to a question wrong, you calmly and clearly correct them. Each time they get the answer wrong, you correct them. You keep doing this over and over until they get it right. Repetition is how people learn. So, repeat, repeat, repeat. Eventually, they will either get the concept, or they will be so exhausted by your endlessly correcting them that they will finally relent and use the proper words. Depending on the person, it will take more or less time. But do not give up. Don't get angry or sad or upset. Just smile and correct them. It's like someone mispronouncing your name. What would you do? Why, you would correct them, of course. Same goes for this situation. Hope this helps. Big Bear Hugs, Papabear |
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An excellent article on coming out LGBT to Christian parents.
A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.
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