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Death Should Teach Her There Is More to Life Than a GPA

8/9/2013

3 Comments

 
Greetings, Papa Bear!

I stumbled across your site while browsing Fur Affinity and have been reading the letters here for about an hour or so now. After some examination I've decided I'd like to ask a question, and hope you can offer me some advice. Typically, I'd ask my mother or counselor, but I don't want to for personal reasons.

Let me inform you of a few things to get started. First, I'm a female furry [my peers and teachers do not know I am such, but that doesn't concern me] going into eleventh grade this September. I absolutely adore my school and its staff, and the adoration goes both ways, thankfully. I'm very well known and a lot is expected of me—when I'm not trying, my work is above average, and when I am I pass easily into superior levels. Teachers and principals think I'm some sort of genius, but at the same time, consider me an “old soul” for whatever reason.

I haven't really been in school for the past year, however. My father, whom I was very close to, passed away due to lung cancer. This was back in October of 2012. I watched for about a year, give or take, as he fell away into nothing and died. I don't mean for the theatrics, but that does something to a person, no matter their age. I have no regrets on that regard; I even spoke at his funeral without breaking down in the middle of what I was saying.

I consider myself to be a very powerful and strong person; however, here within does the issue lie. No matter what I—or others—think of me, my emotions are worn on my sleeve.

So enough battering around, I ought to ask my question already.

Papa Bear, I'm not very good with my own age group. I've recently gone through an awful experience and missed quite a lot. Now, I have to return to a school—albeit one I absolutely adore—full of kids I never fit quite right with. I have no friend group, only a single friend who I occasionally tag along with. Always have I ended up making myself look like someone to be revered; I demanded the respect of my peers and fancied myself better than them because of praise listed above. I've been marked as prude and snobbish, something I only inflicted on myself.

I'm rambling again, forgive me. When I return to school, what should I do? It'll be like entering it for the first time as far as other students go—almost. I don't want to be questioned about my absence the year prior though it's likely inevitable. I'm still grieving. I don't want the world expected of me by my teachers. I want to be able to move on and make friends, but not risk being hurt, which leaves me going in circles leading to nowhere.

How do I move on when my peers see me one way, though my recent experiences have changed me so much?

I'm really sorry for the long letter and hope it makes sense. I also apologize for the lack of "furry" this letter holds. Thank you for reading and replying, I'm very grateful for it.

Sincerely,
Cass

* * *

Hi, Cass,

Papabear is sorry for the loss of your father; I lost mine to bone cancer, and it was, to say the least, horrifying to watch him in his last days. It’s okay if this letter is not directly related to furry, specifically; it’s about life, so it is relevant to everyone.

Yes, your letter is a bit rambling, so let me see if the ol’ bear has this straight. You had been a high achiever in school, and then your father became very ill and you left school to be with him (I’m guessing you set up some home-schooling option in the meantime, as you are required by law to stay in school until a certain age—depending on the state—unless you have permission from your parent or guardian to drop out). Now you are returning to the same school and, since you are quite bright, expect to return to your former pattern of academic success. It sounds like, before you left, you may have had trouble making friends and now, upon your return, expect the situation to be exacerbated by your long absence and renewed feelings of alienation because of your experience with death and the fact you were out of touch for so long. So, how to make friends again, yes?

In a way, your absence may work to your advantage because you have an opportunity to recreate yourself into a more relatable person for your peers. In the past, because of your intelligence, you related more to the adults at the school. Also, you evidently enjoyed being admired by the students for your academic achievement—indeed, you state you demanded their respect. However, this likely also alienated them from you, and you are insightful enough to recognize that you perhaps deserved the labels of “prude” and “snob.” You don’t want to come across like Sheldon Cooper (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hm87ZLMMFss).

It is time for you to adjust your attitude if you wish to make lasting friendships. The loss of your father could help by putting things into perspective as to what is important in life. When the time comes for you—as it does for all of us—to move on and leave this world behind, would you like to be remembered as the intelligent woman who was revered by her peers but died without gaining their hearts, or would you rather be remembered as a kind and loving person who gave of herself in order to make the world a better place?

You have been given the gift of an intelligent mind, but what is the purpose of intelligence? Should it be worshipped by others who are not as smart? Should you be put on a pedestal because you get good grades?

I am reminded of the story of Dr. Faustus by Christopher Marlowe (based on an old story and one with which you might be familiar). Faustus makes a deal with the devil: he gives Satan his soul and, in exchange, receives the knowledge of the universe. Instead of doing something good with this knowledge, he becomes a show off, wowing people with what, to them, are incredible magic tricks in order to gain their admiration. Wasting his gift, he refuses to repent and is taken off to Hell by play’s end.

Like Faustus, your intelligence is (though less demonically) a gift. It was not given to you so that you may strut around and feel important in comparison to your teenaged peers. It was given to you so that you might do something good in the world. Everything that we have in this world is given to us, including our brains and our lives—they are all on loan. The only thing that is truly ours is the spirit within us that gives us the ability of free choice, gives us our character.

Who you are, therefore, is not determined by your intelligence, Cass, but by your choices in how to use that intelligence. If you use it merely to gain attention and praise, then you are not really the admirable person you wish to be; if you use it to help others, then you will become a person worthy of true respect and friendship.

One way to achieve the latter would be to become a tutor. Since school is so easy for you, you can use the extra time you don’t need for studying to help other people who need it. Talk to your school and explore ways that you can help. There may be other opportunities at your school, too, where you can help others.

In doing this, you will reinvent your image and people will see you as a kind person who has changed since she was last at school. You will also interact with more people as you get involved in tutoring in other activities, which will likely lead to friendships. Finally, doing this type of work can help you, personally, because when you start applying to universities you can list it in your application. Universities are more likely to admit students who have well-rounded high school experiences that deal with more than just academic achievement.

As for the last part of your letter, I am not really sure why you think you are at risk of being hurt. If people ask you about your absence, tell them what happened. You were taking care of your father during his final months. If anything, this will get you much sympathy from your peers. Allow others to express their sympathy, thank them kindly, and tell them that you will be okay and that you have grown because of the experience.

Hopefully, that is true. There is a lot more to life than getting A’s on high school tests.

I wish you luck,

Papabear

3 Comments
Bara Kawamori
8/9/2013 06:34:55 pm

Hi Cass,

First of all, even though I may be a complete stranger, I'm sorry for your loss. The death of a parent is a really harsh thing to go through, especially with the pressure of high school added to that as well. However, it does sound like you have an opportunity to start fresh, and gain some strength while you're grieving. Remember to let yourself grieve, for I know that as a fellow academic myself, you often feel like you have to solve all the problems yourself and move on. But this is one thing that is going to take a long time to resolve, so remember to give yourself that time.

I completely second Papabear's suggestion to become a tutor. When I was in high school, I was in a similar position to you academically and socially - I got good grades and that was a huge source of pride for me, but I never truly connected with other high school students. Becoming a tutor was one of the things that really helped me come out of my shell, so to speak. While I didn't make friendships directly through tutoring, it helped me learn to communicate better with a wider range of people, for you will work with everyone from learning disabled students to people who mostly "get" it but just need another explanation of a difficult concept. Plus, helping people is such a wonderful feeling, and going outside of yourself to help someone else helps you to think outside of the problems that you are currently dealing with.

My other suggestion is, if at all possible, try to take a class or two at a community college. Many states offer some way for high school students to take community college classes, and my state of California even lets you do it for free. Not only do community college classes count towards college, but the students there are typically older and more mature, so there's a lot less drama to deal with. I personally loved how calm the environment was compared to high school, and I found it easier to make friends there, so there's a possibility that you might as well.

I hope these suggestions help, and that you find your peace. X3

Reply
Cass
8/12/2013 07:53:51 am

Hello again, to Papa Bear and Bara Kawamori!

I am very grateful for both of your responses. You, Papa Bear, are correct; I need to get down off my high horse, once and for all. "Thinking" I deserve respect and actually deserving it are two different things, something I've learned the hard way.
As for the 'friendship' thing, I feel like it's much harder than what you've stated. Note that I like to solve problems, hate to hear people complain about something they (or an adult or myself) can help fix, despise high school drama, am not into the 'cool' stuff, ect. Finding like-minded peers is, well, complicated. In addition, I cosplay, am a furry (who, yes, fursuits), strive to be a cartoonist (and cartoons, anime or not, are the only things I watch), am not religious, and generally seem to enjoy things society (or, at least, my area?) considers a taboo. Often, the moment people find out about even one of those traits, it scares them off (though that is likely for the best, who wants a friend like that anyways?).
Really, it all comes down to how to sift out like-minded folk that are trustworthy; something I struggle terribly with.

Bara, yes, the problem-solver complex is though, isn't it? As for the college bits, because of my previous absences, I lost out on those opportunities (for the free college courses, anyways), however, my mother is more than willing to take me to them, as I have already passed the test to actually get in. I hear college is much more organized and mature than high school, as you said, so I'd have high hopes for it.

Back to the lot of you,
As for the tutoring, it's an option that I've been considering for quite a while, actually. I'm very good at teaching and have been able to help students understand problems that many teachers couldn't help them with (such as story problems in math, for example). I'm more than happy to help anyone or tutor anyone, but the issue is here: they need to ask me. My school doesn't have a program for that sort of thing, though with my connections, I might be able to get something like that running. So, provided I can't, I'm back to square one.

I again thank you- both of you- for your responses, as well as apologize for my rambling complex.

I hope that when school starts again I can use what you've told me. I've learned a lot recently, and am far more humble now than I had been. My demand for respect and snobbish attitude was wrong, and I will correct it- not 'try' to, but WILL. Hopefully, Papa Bear, you are right, and my absence gives me the opportunity to show my peers I have changed for the better.

Reply
Papabear
8/12/2013 08:43:29 am

Hi, Cass,

Well, you sound like you should just hang out with furries, whether or not they are in your school. Find a local furry group, or create one yourself, and you will find plenty of people who like cartoons, are unconventional, and like things that general society does not :-P

As for tutoring, if your school doesn't have a program (how terrible of them!) then start your own service. The good thing about that is you could actually charge a small fee since your service won't be associated with the school.

And, yes, in general, people in college are more mature (well, outside of the frat and sorority houses anyway LOL). It kind of depends on the school. I mean, if you go to Harvard you aren't going to find a bunch of drunk people partying all night. You go to Podunk State Cow University (Go Guernseys!) and you might.

Again, good luck!

Reply



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