Ask Papabear 2.0 Premiers on YouTube!Papabear has started a video version of this column. I will read and answer letters there as well as have fun with lots of bonus features. Check out the first episode!
Latest Letter (January 5, 2026)Dear Papabear,
After reading your letter from 2019 about learning from past mistakes, you wrote a very nice and reassuring method on how to learn from them and move on with life. (https://www.askpapabear.com/letters/how-to-grow-from-past-mistakes) In a similar sense to that letter, when I was a teen (16-17 years old) I was having trouble with handling my emotions. I didn’t fully comprehend the concept of “think before you post”. I had very rare moments where I’d let my anger get the best of me; which resulted in me writing some really messed up comments on anger-inducing things/topics that triggered me. However, when I realized the weight of what I commented, I immediately apologized to the poster(s), and deleted them, admitting it was messed up and way out of line. I was forgiven for it, got on good terms with them, and I have never acted out like that ever since. I learned from my psychology course at college that the brain is still in a developmental phase at those ages. I was smart enough to take accountability for my words and actions as a teen, despite that. The step in your letter that I often have trouble with is forgiving myself. My Asperger’s/ASD causes me to replay some moments in my head from years ago, most often when I don’t want them to. Sometimes my remembrance of them can make me get horrible anxiety attacks, making my regrets weight me down. It takes a toll on both my mental and physical health. I know I made up for my mistakes nearly a decade ago, and was forgiven for it, but that lingering regret prevents me from practicing self-forgiveness. How do you forgive yourself when your own mind and body won’t let you? Anonymous * * * Dear Furiend, I apologize for the slow reply. I've been sick with the flu this week. All righty, to business then! You clearly know all the basics, including the fact that you have already made amends, were forgiven (great!), recognized your error, have striven to not repeat that mistake, etc. Also, you know that your condition aggravates what, for others, would be problematic and troubling but not quite as difficult to overcome as it is for a person on the spectrum. I recommend we begin by understanding exactly why pretty much everyone, at one point in their lives or another, suffers from feelings of guilt they can't seem to shake even though the cause of said guilt has been addressed and even fixed. It is, you see, an evolutionary adaptation. We are all designed to remember mistakes and their consequences so that we can learn and move forward. Let me give you a primitive example: Say you were an early ancestor foraging in the woods and you found what looked like a delicious berry, so you eat it, but not long afterwards, you become sick and vomit. From that point on, you would remember that berry, what it smelled and tasted like, and what eating it did to you. Even though you learned your lesson not to ever eat it, that powerful memory of becoming ill will be with you for possibly your entire life. The guilt you feel is like the bellyache the apish ancestor experienced. Even though they will never eat that berry again, the memory is painful and makes them cringe whenever it is brought back to mind. Your guilt is a berry bellyache. You're just recalling the memory. You know that you have resolved the situation and that everything is now okay. So, here's what you do: The next time you get that feeling of guilt, pause for a little bit. Sit down somewhere and think about what you're feeling. Say to yourself, "Oh, yes, that cringey guilt is back, but it's not there because I'm still a bad person. It's just reminding me that when I get online and write something to be mindful of what I say to others!" Then, thank the cringey guilt berry ache for the reminder and put it aside to continue your day. That is, focus your attention on what you are doing in the present, note that the cringeberry tastes particularly sour to people on the spectrum but that just makes your reminder more pronounced and noticeable, and congratulate yourself for your success in doing better today. Focus on the present. When we recognize things for what they are rather than what we imagine them to be, they become much less threatening and troublesome. Bear Hugs, Papabear |
 A fun read for Halloween! Full of strange and mysterious creatures!
SALE! Get $5 off when you buy direct from Uncle Bear!
|