Ask Papabear 2.0 Is Coming!November 17, 2025: While furries still do come to this website and write to ol' Papabear, I feel I need to get my fuzzy butt moving and make this column a video channel. So, I have gotten all the equipment and software I need, and this week I am preparing my first YouTube video! I will be answering a letter or two, of course, but I plan to talk about other things as well regarding the fandom. Stay tuned!
Latest Letter (November 17, 2025)Dear Papabear,
I found this site a few months ago and decided to write. After all, at worst nothing bad would happen, I guess. English is not my native language, so my English may not be perfect. The thing is, I'm autistic, and my family infantilizes me; they always have done so. For example, my father has talked to me in baby speak regardless of how offensive it was to me and no matter how much I expressed that... Until I exploded in rage when I was 13 years old. That was the one thing that made him stop; the only thing that worked. Even to this day, I see younger relatives having more freedoms, with them being younger than me because their parents simply allow it or at the very least don't put every effort in impeding it. They encourage them to have friends; they allow them to drive to do what they need; they allow them to... Well, basically have autonomy like any late teen or adult should have. However, every relative takes my family's side on the topic because, well... I' autistic, and in their minds, how is an autistic person independent in any way? I would love to make friends IRL--maybe even get a romantic partner--but every time they refused to allow me to interact with anyone outside school in my younger years on the basis of them believing that "they wanted to take advantage of me." And, of course, being young and naive, I believed them. And by the time I realized the idea of literally everyone wanting to use me was stupid, it was too late. Friend groups were already formed and solidified, and I already had the reputation as "the weird guy who never gets out of home." I have missed so many milestones simply because my family refused to allow me to have them on the basis of "being worried about me." I also have a driving license, but they do not allow me to drive because "they fear something will happen to me" and say that I need practice--practice that never comes beyond my taking them to places, but it's never enough to them. This has cost me many job opportunities, and to this day I'm unemployed because where I live there is no public transportation and no jobs. I have a lot of education, but it doesn't matter because they won't allow me to drive to any potential job I could get out of it. I still do free online courses that I'm able to get into because I can't just do nothing at all, but without being allowed to drive to any potential job it all feels worthless. To this day I have been able to get minimal amounts of freedom and autonomy but only by exploding in rage multiple times, screaming, insulting them, and saying how much they are an obstacle in my life and that despite what they say, every chance they get they prove that they see me as a useless and fragile being that will break as soon I'm out of their view. But that is ceasing to work. To clarify, I have never physically harmed them, despite the many times they have done so to me (my brother even wanted to burn my face one time when I was a child, but changed his mind because he wouldn't been able to escape any consequences from that; when I told my parents this, they did ... nothing, like every other time my brother harmed me). They don't physically hurt me anymore because now I'm able to defend myself if necessary, but I genuinely do not know how to deal with this anymore because an honest conversation about the topic has never worked. They only see me as my autism and nothing else. I have tried going to multiple psychologists, but they have all taken their side. In some cases, they decided that, above all else, I was the one who had to see their perspective and understand where they were coming from (I genuinely cannot conceive any possible perspective that justifies or makes understandable or even tolerable the idea of wanting to burn a child's face, and I am certain that I shouldn't in the first place). In other cases, they said I lied because, in their words, "Family doesn't do that," and they would not believe me when I say that, in fact, I do chores, I put effort in what I try to do, etc. To them, if whatever I said didn't support a false narrative of me being the problem, it was a lie. One psychiatrist in particular tried to convince me that my autism diagnosis is not real because (in their words) "I dont look autistic" in the first and only session I had with him. To be honest, jumping from psychologist to psychologist and bleeding money without getting anywhere doesn't seem a viable option anymore to me. The idea of "the right one" existing seems like a mere fantasy. I have online friends (including furries; I am one myself), but I also fear what they will do if they discover that. I don't know what to do anymore. Do you think there is something I can do to finally have control of my own life? With Regards, Brian (age 27, Spain) * * * Dear Brian, Thank you for reaching out. Your English is quite good, no worries. And you are clearly an intelligent and sensitive young man who, based on your story, is basically being imprisoned by his own family. To be clear, autism is not something that lowers your intelligence, so your father treating you like an infant is, indeed, insulting. I've known people with autism who have become doctors. You're not stupid. You are not violent. You are not a danger to yourself or others--at least, not from what I can see here. My difficulty is that I am in the USA, not Spain. Also, Spain is a large country with diverse regions, and I don't know where you are, exactly, that you don't have access to public transportation. Are you somewhere in the more sparsely populated Central part of Spain far from major cities like Madrid or Barcelona? Psychologists are not helping you because you are not mentally or emotionally disturbed. Your condition is formally called "Austism Spectrum Disorder"; however, I do not see autism as a disorder. You are not broken; you are different. How are you different? People with autism have synapses in the brain that are wired differently. I've seen studies in which scientists said there were more synapses connecting in the brain, and I've seen them where they say there are fewer synapse connections. (This just shows that more research is needed and that you can't draw conclusions from one study). But recent studies are also suggesting that autism is related to human evolution and is related to Homo sapiens' rapid development in cognitive--especially language--skills. In other words, autism might be a byproduct of improvements to the human genome. Anyway, that just means you are different; not necessarily better or worse. In this bear's humble opinion, the fact that we are seeing so many people with autism is a sign that Mother Nature is experimenting with human evolution again (she does that, you know), seeing what works and what doesn't. According to the form you submitted to Papabear, you are 27, which is more than old enough to get out on your own and live your life without your oppressive and unsupportive family preventing you from having a life. I would say that you would be wasting your energy trying to turn your family around and make them help rather than hinder you. To do this, you need a lifeline, people to whom you can connect for help. I'm a bit too far away for that, and also you are outside the USA, which means giving you contact information for an American organization would be fruitless. Therefore, I looked online for any organization in Spain that might help. The one I found is called Confederacion Autismo Espana at https://autismo.org.es/. I would suggest you check out this website and try to contact them, explain your situation, and see if they can provide you with leads to help. Now, as for the furry fandom, it can actually be helpful to you. Here is an entire article (ending in a video) about furries with autism, the challenges they face, and how being involved in the fandom can actually help you. Here is a documentary about furries with autism that might be of use to you. So, to summarize, my recommendation is to reach out to Confederacion Autismo Espana and to the furry community. Since your family is not helpful and psychologists have proven ineffective, it is time for you to find other avenues for assistance and support. I hope the above information will be helpful to you. Good Luck! Bear Hugs! Papabear |
 A fun read for Halloween! Full of strange and mysterious creatures!
SALE! Get $5 off when you buy direct from Uncle Bear!
|