Latest Letter (June 19, 2025)Hey, Papabear,
I just rediscovered your website when I did a Google search for "furry therapists" (with most results just being for service dogs, go figure) and someone mentioned you in a Reddit post as an alternative. The few actual therapists in the fandom are only in other states and can't take out-of-state patients, so after reading through a few pages of letters you replied to, I figured I'd reach out. While I do have a regular therapist, and she knows I'm a furry, I haven't gotten around to discussing my issues in the fandom with her, and her knowledge is very limited on furry stuff so I don't think she'd really get it. I just discuss my other life issues with her. Anyway, my issue is: the entire fandom hates me, and it's destroying my life, my mental well-being, my physical well-being, and I truly wish I never existed because it seems nothing good has come from my existence and nobody wants anything to do with me. Well, maybe that's an exaggeration, but it sure feels true. My history in the fandom is a long one, with a few happy moments, but ultimately, now it has ended and has left a huge hole in my heart that cannot be repaired or mended. I'll start by saying, other furries were always very wary of me. They always hated me, avoided me, etc. I knew I was a fur for like 5 years before I finally reached out and began socializing with furs in 2010, at age 18. I got the rudest welcome and almost kicked out right then and there because I've always been different from stereotypical furs. I don't have casual sex (or any at all), I don't do substance use (no drinking, weed, drugs, etc.) or hard partying. I'm not a smart techie bro who works I.T.- I'm awful with computers. The list goes on but I just felt like I wasn't what the fandom wanted, and even though it's more accepting nowadays, it still has a long way to go and I'm not part of that, apparently. Anyway, my initial stint in the fandom lasted 2010-2014 roughly, with like a 18-month gap in there even because of arguments with local and online furs. Despite being only 18, they all got mad that I wasn't the alcohol-loving hard-partying Chad they wished I was. And awareness for neurodivergence wasn't so much a thing at the time (I was undiagnosed back then). I had heard the fandom was accepting; instead, they treated me like an unwanted loser until they finally kicked me out of the local group, because I made an angry reply to being bullied. Fast forward years later, I had moved nearly 1,000 miles away (I'm not originally from SC), struggled for like 8 years to find furs. Then I thought I found my diamonds in the rough when in 2022 I finally had a local furry group to hang out with, and they seemed to like me and were really cool with how I was. In late 2023 I attended my first fur con and loved it so much, I attended a bunch more after if I could. Sadly, I'm writing you because this didn't last too long. I still had a lot of issues with many furs hating me, ignoring me, trying to shove me away, and it pisses me off how unfriendly this fandom is as a whole when I was trying to socialize. In 2024 I got into an argument with someone on Telegram, and I called him a slur and said I wished he died (I have bad anger issues). Well people keep spreading this screenshot around in furry groups around the southeast U.S. and other stuff about me. They keep acting like I'm a violent monster of some sort. I'm not banned from any cons, but am banned from the dance competition events at cons I used to try and compete in. I enjoyed these so much and it leaves me so heartbroken I can't explain. Moreover, I noticed the past 2 cons I went to, many furs I used to be cool with are now ignoring me and refusing to talk to me. I also got banned from my local fur groups because NCAS made my local friends ban me. Now, the nearest fur willing to talk to me lives hours away, and I can maybe seem him a few times a year if that. I have no non-fur friends sadly; tried making them for years, there are none where I live (retirement area mostly full of conservative boomers). Ever since I discovered this fandom, all I wanted was to fit in; to feel like I belonged. And the brief time I did, it felt great and were some of the best moments of my life. But having it all so harshly taken away has left me in a state of wreck I can only begin to describe. I keep getting really bad/violent thoughts randomly. Horrible mood swings. I can't work much at all so I'll have to leave my job before I'm a danger to myself or anyone else. I keep thinking I'll need to "un-alive" myself. All I wanna do is lay in bed and stare at the ceiling and sleep way too much. I keep binge-eating to the point of gaining weight. I no longer have things I enjoy. I feel unable to enjoy video games, music, creative endeavors, etc. The fandom was so important to my life and it feels like the worst heartbreak ever. And I'm sick of being forced into a world that doesn't fucking want me. I tried apologizing to many people multiple times, but nobody nowadays accepts apologies. They all want nothing to do with me. They want me gone. I'm a pathetic loser and always was, according to them. Now this is the second time I got disowned by the fandom, but it's so much more painful this time around. I don't have the energy or resources to move far away, make a new fursona and re-emerge. I think my life is just over at this point. I've been on psychiactric medications in the past, but I don't believe in them anymore because they never did anything for me, and only gave me bad side effects. Plus I have too many money issues to be able to afford them. My current therapist is the only one I can get; she's nice but not the most helpful with certain things. And I'm afraid to call the Suicide Hotline because they'll involuntarily commit me and send me a huge bill I can't afford. It feels like there's no solution to this problem. I can't force the fandom to like or accept me, and it's on my mind 24/7 and it's making me go crazy. Idk what I'm even asking at this point. I've only just touched the surface of my issue and I already wrote so much. I guess my question is: what can I do about this? It's ruining my life. I want to be in this fandom and be liked and have friends more than anything else in the entire world, and not being able to is making me wanna kill myself or even worse. Gunther Spierman (age 32) * * * Dear Gunther, Thank you for your letter. I'm proud of you for reaching out. I bet that wasn't easy. As you know, I am not a professional therapist, so please keep that in mind as I write the following to you.... Important stuff first. The Suicide Hotline at 988 is a FREE service. You do not have to pay for it. It is staffed by a mix of professional therapists and some volunteers who are not pros but who have been trained to talk to people in crisis. So, if you get to a serious point where you really feel at risk of self-harm, please dial the hotline. And I will tell you a little thing about myself on this topic. I wish 988 had been there when I was 18, which is the year I almost died through a suicide attempt. Thankfully, I was not successful. But my attempt hurt many of my loved ones, especially my mother, and I regret that very much. Think about your loved ones and how your actions affect them. Also, know that when you are in the mindset of contemplating suicide, you are not really in your right state of mind. You are not thinking clearly. That's why you need someone like the good people on the hotline to snap you out of it and bring your perspective back to where it should be. An example of perspective? You said it yourself: Not everyone in the fandom hates you. Most furries don't even know you (wink wink). I don't hate you. So, bear that in mind. Good news that you have a therapist. Kudos. And you really should open up to her about your furry issues. She might not know about the fandom in particular, but she does understand group dynamics and can likely offer you insights. Many furries experience what you have experienced, which is that they are told what I call "The Furry Fandom Fairy Tale" that we are all warm, loving, accepting people. Nonsense. There is no such thing as any huge group of people who are all accepting and loving. It's kind of like what Nick Wilde told Judy Hopps in Zootopia about how hayseed animals from the Sticks come to the city thinking the animals all get along and sing Kumbaya around campfires. Bullshit. THAT said, there is some truth about the fandom being accepting in that anyone can be a furry. Also, since the demographics tend to have a lot of people from segments of the population that are often alienated by the mainstream (i.e., e.g., LGBTQIA people, people on the autism spectrum, nerdy and shy people, geeky techy folk, and so on), then it is much more likely you will find people like that when you start getting active in the fandom and they will be cool with you because, hey, they are like you in a lot of ways. It is also true, demographically speaking, that many furries skew to the younger age groups (teens and twenties). At that time in people's lives, hormones are raging and sex is on the brain. I confess as a younger furry I did quite a bit of adult RP stuff online. The joke used to be "If you see a drawing of an anthro and you get aroused, you're likely a furry." The good part about this is that the fandom provides an environment unhindered by sexual conventions, so it allows people to experiment and get in touch with their true sexuality without being constrained by, say, their parents' religious beliefs or peer group pressures. The bad news is that this can also lead to some unwanted sexual advances, and many young furs think they can get away with anything. A story I like to tell involves my days back in Michigan when I was with Jim (who sadly passed 10 years ago). Anyway, I convinced Jim (who wasn't a furry but was fur friendly) to come with me with some other furs to see Where the Wild Things Are. Before the movie, we all went to a diner for lunch. Jim and I sat with a table of four other furries. One was a chubby young woman who sat next to Jim (Jim was a big ol' handsome bear). So, anyway, even though it was pretty obvious that Jim and I were a couple, she nudges up to him and whispers, "You know, the cool thing about the fandom is you can sleep with anyone." Jim looked at her and was like, "Um, you know my boyfriend is sitting right here and no, no you can't." After that, she stayed away from us. I'm sure she trashed us to the others in her group because I didn't hear from them again after that. So, yeah, that kind of crap happens, but not all furries are like that--not by any stretch of the imagination. It is a diverse group of people. When it comes to sex, you have everything from total furverts to 100% asexuals and everything in between--everything imaginable, really. The lesson here is that you really need to get to know people before making friends. A good way to do that is online in special interest groups (SIGs), where you can hopefully meet furries who share your interests, make friends with them, and then meet them in person. Many people do what you do in going to local meets where they don't know anyone and then they can have some awkward encounters. That's why I don't go to furmeets (e.g. the Prancing Skiltaire) unless I know someone there beforehand. Going in blind and hoping you'll have a great time merely because the people there are also furries increases the likelihood of a bad day. A suggestion for you: Now that you are 32 years old, you are eligible to join my Greymuzzle Facebook group ((12) Greymuzzles (30 and older furs only) | Facebook), which is full of good furries. How do I know? I and other carefully selected admins screen the 5,000+ members very carefully. Only 1 in 6 applicants gets in. And we constantly stay on the lookout for naughty furries. So, I invite you to join us there. If you're not on Facebook, there are other greymuzzle groups on platforms like Telegram and Bluesky you can check into. They are not run by me, but they should have more mature members there, and they tend to be more chill than your typical furry groups. (After I wrote this paragraph, I saw you applied! Welcome to the group!) Next, let's address your reputation issues. It's hard for me to gauge this for you exactly, not knowing the circumstances and only knowing that you got angry and yelled about something, which doesn't seem like much or a reason to be banned from a group. Also, NCAS (that's the North Carolina Anthro Society, right?) telling your local meet to ban you is pretty shitty. But if you have "anger issues" that medications don't ease, that might be exacerbating the problem. That brings me to how to deal with anger problems. Hey! Another thing I personally know about! I too have experienced anger issues. What are anger issues? Well, this is the inability to control upwellings of strong negative emotions that can cause you to lash out verbally or even physically at others. I think we can all agree that this is a big turnoff for many people, and they tend to not want to deal with people who have anger issues. There are some ways to manage them, though, even without drugs (a solution people too often turn to, but that is not to say there are cases when medicine can help, especially when your issues ). Some things you can do:
What you're suffering from here is very commonplace these days: the idea that you need to be noticed and validated in order to be a worthwhile person. When you claim nothing good has come from your existence, that's your depression talking. I'm sure that in your life something good has resulted from you being in this world, even a little thing. And how should we define "good" anyway? To me, having a good effect on this world would be doing anything--even a tiny thing--that has helped other people, animals, or the world in general. You don't have to invent a cure for cancer or end world hunger to be a worthwhile person. Indeed, if you want to know what your purpose in life is, ask me sometime because that's a whole nuther column. I'll tell you one thing, the purpose of your life has nothing to do with being liked by other people or being a part of this fandom. Indeed, if you find that you don't fit into this fandom, you haven't looked hard enough. Like I said, we're diverse. You can find young and old, rich and poor, smart and not so smart, white and black, gay and straight and trans, religious and spiritual and completely materialistic, sex maniacs and virgins, sci-fi fanatics and readers of classic literature, train and car aficionados and people who cross stitch and knitting, athletes and chubbies, and on and on. We are not all alike, so it is highly doubtful that we would all feel the same way about you. And even if not a single furry accepted you, that's not important. You need to accept yourself. Indeed, accepting yourself and being comfortable in your own skin is a highly attractive trait. You will find that 9 out of 10 people in this life prefer making friends with people who like themselves than people who don't like themselves. So, Gunther. Why don't you like yourself? And what things about yourself do you like? These are the things you need to explore, and once you figure it out, you'll have made a huge leap toward eliminating your fears and anxieties that are holding you back. What do you think? Write again and let me know. In the meantime, welcome to my Greymuzzle group :) Bear Hugs, Papabear |
The Good Furry Awards are now being hosted on the sponsor page at Uncle Bear Publishing, LLC. Nominations are open now through July 31, 2025, and the award ceremony has moved from Biggest Little Fur Con in Reno to Another Furry Con in Ontario, California, in September.
Please nominate your favorite good furries today! 
COMING SEPTEMBER 1
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