Ask Papabear, the First Advice Column for Furries

Latest Letter (July 31, 2026)

Hello PapaBear,

I am a 28-year-old woman who recently lost her mom. I was her caregiver for 6 years. I am an only child, reserved, shy, and quiet. How do I move on from this and work on myself? People have things going on in their lives and friends etc. I'm a loner, and my mom always told me to work on my health. Yes, I gained weight due to her hospitalizations and being there with her every day when she was there. I don't want to fall into a depression. She was a positive and optimistic person despite her terminal illnesses. She'd always give me pep talks, telling me to believe in myself and that I could accomplish my dreams.

I have two associates degrees. I'd only use one, which is Spanish. I am bilingual. I have always had dreams and goals, but unfortuneately, I couldn't achieve them while she was alive due to stress, not having extra help like a therapist, or friends and family close by, etc.

How do I move on without failing?

BeachLover14

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Dear BeachLover14,

You certainly have a sympathetic ear with Papabear. I am a caregiver, too, who is still attending to my 100% disabled husband. First of all, though, my condolences for the loss of your mother. She sounds like she was a lovely person, and I'm sure you cared for her and loved her very much and miss her a lot.

I don't know whether you are familiar with this, but there is something called caregiver stress syndrome. People who spend long hours every day taking care of loved ones for months and even years are prone to it. Some of the symptoms include anxiety, depression, irritability, anger, fatigue, emotional outbursts, and feelings of helplessness and guilt over having these emotions. Caretakers are also subject to headaches, muscle aches, insomnia, high blood pressure, and a weakened immune system. They often cope by becoming less sociable, neglecting their own health, and indulging in overeating, alcohol, and even drugs. As you can imagine, this is not good for your health, and recent medical studies indicate that, on average, caregivers age and die years before those who are not caregivers.

Many caregivers come to resent the ones they are helping, and then they can feel guilty that their feelings of love may wane over time. This doesn't mean they do not love them, but the strain of all the work can have a detrimental effect. It helps that your mom was an optimistic, emotionally supportive person. With me, it helps that Michael, my husband, is also quite a positive person and is supportive of me. Nevertheless, in your email you indicate that you do have some signs of CSS, including withdrawing some from society (you describe yourself as a loner), weight gain, and concerns about your health and that you might be heading for depression.

For the last six years, you have trained yourself to put your mother and her needs above yours. Your life has revolved around her to the point that you have lost some of your identity, your sense of self. It is time, therefore, to train yourself to take care of your own needs and dreams, to not feel guilty that you are your number one concern at this time. You have to retrain the neurons in your brain to stop worrying about other people for a while. This is not selfish, it is necessary.

Another thing to note: Psychologists call it "caregiver grief." This is different from the regular grief we suffer when a loved one dies. When a caregiver loses the person they were caring for, they lose not only that person but they also lose the role and identity they assumed for years. Some might think it is a relief to no longer have to play that role, but for many caregivers it can be a sad experience, too. You have lost that person you felt you were; you can grieve for that, too.

So, not only do you need to allow yourself to grieve for your two losses, but you also need to find that person you are now.

There are several things I suggest you do:

Take some time to mourn; take all the time you need.
If you haven't already, begin a new health regimen of good diet and exercise. You don't have to join a gym, you just need to get active. Go for hikes, go swimming, golfing, biking, roller blading, or join a softball league. Stuff like that. As for eating, spend more time cooking for yourself and less time eating out or fetching fast food. Make it fun and start learning new recipes. I recommend a Mediterranean diet, and if you love grape leaves and feta cheese, you're golden with a Greek menu.
Caretakers rarely have time for social activities, so now's the time to do so. Join a book club or get active in your church. Maybe get more active in furry fandom stuff (I'm assuming that's how you found me). Volunteer at an animal shelter or food bank. Get involved in an environmental group or other charity. Any of these things will do wonders for your self-esteem and for getting resocialized.
At LEAST once a week, treat yourself to something you love, something you didn't do much or at all while your mother was alive. Take a day trip to a park or local attraction. Go shopping and buy some new clothes. Try a new sit-down restaurant. Visit the beach (guessing you would like that!). Take a class at a local college.
You don't say what your career goals are but seeing as you are in California and speak Spanish, that certainly helps. Finding a new job and starting a new career can definitely be a boost to your well-being, and I highly recommend it.

Your last question was, "How do I move on without failing?" You can't worry about failing, my furiend. Whether you succeed or fail is not the point. The point is that you need to put yourself first when it comes to your health and mental well-being. Failing occasionally is a part of life. If you fail at something--like a job or taking a class--it's really not a big deal. That just means that something wasn't right for you, and you need to find something else and focus on that. As long as you keep trying and never give up, you are already a success. You've already proven you are not a quitter. After all, you took care of your mom for years and never gave up on her all the way until the end. If you can do that, you can survive anything.

You got this!

[Now, for all those who are caregivers and their charge is still alive, here is a note for you from someone in the same boat: You might not have the same amount of time that BeachLover has, but you can still set aside time to do something for you. For example, what I personally do is spend some "me time" whenever Michael is asleep (he goes to bed earlier and sleeps in longer than I do). I enjoy peaceful mornings of drinking coffee and watching hummingbirds outside my window. I go for walks. I go to the gym. I visit friends when I can. Now, I have to limit my time away, but I can still do these things. All you need is an hour or two a day to focus on you, and that can really help. Another option that is available for some people is, if you can, turn the reins over to a professional caregiver or to a family member once in a while. Whatever you do, just remember that your life matters, too. Blessed Be.]

Bear Hugs,
Papabear