Ask Papabear, the First Advice Column for Furries

Latest Letter (February 15, 2026)

Hi Papabear,

This is my first time writing to you. I’m writing because I feel like I struggle with the belief that I’ll never be accepted by gay/bi men for something I did in the past and I also isolate myself and struggle with guilt for that as well. I’m a bisexual guy and was closeted to my family for most of my life until last month when I came out to my mom. I also came out to my younger brother about 6 months ago and he was the first to know in my family. I’m glad that my mom accepted me and said that she loved me. She couldn’t understand why I thought that she would disown me and said that I kind of took my time (I’m almost 24). It was actually my new year’s resolution to come out to her this year since being closeted was making me so miserable and amplifying the guilt that I felt and still kind of feel for something I did a little over 2 years ago.

Back in 2023, I remember being intent on trying to date or hookup just like people my age. I felt like I was behind and that everyone my age was doing that. I tried dating girls on dating apps, but I didn’t have any luck, and I get more nervous/awkward around girls than guys to be honest. I thought it’d be a good idea to focus on making friends online instead. I eventually made a friend online and we met 4 times in person. From the moment I met him, I could tell he was obviously gay. I really liked him as a friend. He was really kind, and I liked texting with him. However, I’m ashamed to say that I was kind of embarrassed to be seen in public with him because I was scared of people judging us, and I didn’t feel comfortable with people in public seeing me as bisexual. I remember one time he told me that he frequented adult livestreams and that gave me an idea. I suggested we experiment in an “intimate” way. We did and I ended up losing my virginity to him. That same day, I let him know that I wasn’t interested in a relationship and that I was only looking for something casual. He told me that he didn’t want a relationship either.

That was the last time I saw him. I was scared to meet up with him again for two reasons: that was the first time doing something intimate with someone and I was nervous to see him again; also, I was embarrassed to be seen with him. We still texted, but I made excuses not to hang out. Eventually, he ended up moving away to the East Coast after getting a job. I felt terrible for the way I acted towards him. I apologized to him via text and said that I was sorry for not meeting up with him again and that I was nervous about being intimate and that I felt like I had used him for sex (something that my friends and people online said I did). My friend was really empathetic, and he wrote a long reply. He said he was never mad at me and that he had a lot of fun with me. He said that he didn’t want me to beat myself up and that if I was ever in his current city to hit him up again so he could show me around. He said he didn’t feel used and that he wanted my first time to be safe because his wasn’t. He was sexually assaulted in the past. That’s one of the things I felt the most guilty about. I constantly ask myself if I added to his trauma.

Online I was told in a gay forum on Reddit that gay guys disliked people like me. They said that men like me who are DL are a really common problem. I was told that I never really cared about him and told that I should give up on dating/hooking up with men. I lived with guilt for a long time, and I couldn’t even ask my family for help since I thought they would no longer accept me. To help with the guilt, I remember trying to donate money to charity and help others, even strangers, and I stopped when I realized I was being taken advantage of. At one point, I even took the online advice to heart and decided I was never going to pursue men again because I was closeted and was only going to hurt them.

It’s been over 2 years, and I haven’t done anything with anyone else. My friend and I no longer talk (and I think it’s better that way now). He’s doing good with his new career, and it keeps him busy. No dating/no hookups since. Some old friends were surprised to hear this, and I just made some excuse like “I’m focusing on improving myself now.” I went to another counselor, and he convinced me to come out to my brother, and my brother helped me by telling my mother for me. I’m very grateful to my counselor and brother for that. He also suggested that I go to the pride center on campus. The thing is I feel like I can’t. I’m scared they won’t accept me. I’m scared they’ll see me like the people do on Reddit. My worst fear is repeating what happened with my friend in the future. I guess I’m just writing this to see if I could get some encouragement. I often wonder what it would be like to be in a loving relationship, and it’s something that I really want one day. I feel terrible when people my age or younger talk about kissing or dating while I still think about my friend from over 2 years ago. I’m writing just wanting encouragement to put myself out there instead of wasting my 20s living in the past and isolating myself. I wonder how I could go around trying to date men or just befriend them one day again. I know this is a long letter.

Thank you for your time.

Anonymous (age 23)

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Dear Furiend,

I'm going to quote my late mother here: "Guilt is the most worthless of all the emotions." Guilt doesn't help you with anything. It just makes you miserable.

There are some misconceptions in your letter that I need to correct. The first and most important one is that LGBTQIA social media communities like the one you came across on Reddit represent the gay community accurately. They absolutely do not. You should really know by now that online communities are dumpster fires full of trolls, bullies, and drama queens who rejoice in hurting other people and putting them down to make themselves feel better and more superior. DO NOT listen to them. Social groups online are extremely hit or miss, and you really take a chance going to them for support. Also, just because you had some bad exchanges on Reddit doesn't mean the entire worldwide gay community is critical of you. That's absurd when 99.99999999% of them have never heard of you or know you exist.

Instead, to help you navigate the LGBTQ world, I would like to recommend you start with a reputable organization known as The Trevor Project, which focuses on young people up to the age of 24, offering educational, peer support, and crisis management (including online counseling) services. Start with them, and they can help point you in the right direction. You've been making some mistakes (honest ones, don't berate yourself) because you lack guidance. You need someone to show you the ropes. Also, try the on-campus pride group like your counselor suggested. It's a good idea to make in-person connections.

The comments those Reddit people gave you are bullshit, frankly (especially that comment in which they presume to tell you that you didn't actually love that guy--OMG!) Gay men who are on the "down low" or are closeted are omnipresent in the gay community. There are some gay men who look down on them, yes, but most people are very understanding about it. And being compassionate to those in the closet is actually the first step to get them out of the closet. When you feel judged, you're more likely to hide yourself.

Your friend is a great example of a compassionate friend. He seems pretty cool, actually, and it is my opinion that it is a mistake to cut him out of your life. He seems quite kind and supportive, and there is absolutely no reason why you can't be friends, chat online, or even make a phone call once in a while. It is quite clear you did not hurt or traumatize him in any way, so stop feeling guilty about something that just is not true. You're only hurting yourself.

You also, very fortunately, have support from your brother and mother. That's excellent! Do not underestimate the importance of their love and support, which proves that you are a person who is loved and valued and who is far too critical of himself.

Don't feel bad about that, either. It's very common for gay people to feel guilt and shame that they have feelings that meet with disapproval from conservative societies. What you need to realize is that your feelings are valid and natural, and they are not sinful or bad in any way. Stop punishing yourself. You deserve to find a boyfriend, find love, and be happy. You also should not feel any guilt about the sex you had with your first lover. It was consensual (he told you so! Believe him!) and you both had a rewarding and fun time.

While there is much to say about spending time to focus on yourself, it's quite clear that you don't mean it when you tell people that; you're just using it as an excuse when you tell them you are not in a relationship. The real reason is that you are torturing yourself with guilt and you feel that sex is somehow wrong if you are not committing yourself to a long-term relationship. In truth, non-committed sexual relationships offer many benefits that include emotional, social, and physical. Here is an outstanding article on that by psychologist Heath Schechinger, Ph.D., who also explains the reason for people stigmatizing sexual openness in terms of social identity theory. Social identity theory states that people stigmatize others as one method of creating social cohesion and stronger bonds within their particular group. For example, a church congregation that identifies as hetero and white might label LGBTQIA and BIPOC people as outsiders and treat them as bad people. By sharing these prejudices, they form stronger bonds and a stronger identity within their group.

You want to not feel terrible that you aren't dating and finding someone to care about and kiss? I have a simple solution.

Stop it.

The only person stopping you from being happy is ... YOU! So, knock it off.

Is that "tough love"? Not sure, but it's the truth.

Stop stopping yourself and go and meet people. Make friends with some. Make love to some. And, hopefully, make some close and enduring relationships. You deserve it as much as anyone else.

Bear Hugs,
Papabear