Ask Papabear, the First Advice Column for Furries

Latest Letter (September 21, 2026)

Dear Papabear,

When it comes to grief in general, I have always been familiar with it being talked about more commonly / felt AFTER the event causing it has happened.

Recently, I was able to discover that there is a more specific term within the spectrum of grief called "anticipatory grief" that has resonated with me; in a nutshell to my understanding, it's grief felt BEFORE the "expected event" has yet to happen.

That said, my question is wondering if you have dealt with this feeling, known others who have dealt with this feeling, coping with it, have any other insights on it, etc.

For context, I am a gay furry (binturong - it's a "bearcat") in my late 20's that has been with my husband, who is in his early 70's, for the now coming up 7 years ("barely" identifies / engages with the furry community after me giving him some exposure to it through our local furry convention BLFC, but we do take part in our own private, local gay social circle, he and I both love bears, and I get the pleasure of calling him my "huzzy bear" as my term of endearment for him).

Using this time to self-reflect a bit (a lot), all things considered, honestly, things are going quite well in my life per Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Basic needs / job is stable. Social Circle is stable. Self-fulfillment through music is stable (going to be performing with my jazz band at the upcoming BLFC next month October that our group has been fortunate to be able to do every year - a new face showed up during our summer rehearsals, who I see a lot of myself in, of course, he loves bears as well - my body deciding to randomly wake up 4:30ish this morning, I was looking over the BLFC panel schedule this year for any panels he, I, and his friend group would like to go to - he'll be introducing me to them for dinner before our jazz gig tonight - this is how I stumbled upon finding out you are going to be doing a BLFC panel and then discovering this column...)

I think the subtle fear / "anticipatory grief", that has been existing in the background, is that I feel I owe a great part of my own personal fortunes comes back to my husband being able to provide the environment and unconditional love for me to be able to thrive as I'm able to - at the core of it, I know rationally when he passes, he would like for me to continue living on to be there for myself as well as others (he's a huge proponent that is against suicide) - emotionally, I still worry that I might not have enough strength individually / in my support system to adapt to life after the fact.

In our private, local gay social circle (which many members are in the Gen X / Boomer age range), my husband and I have interacted with members whose partners have passed, and it gives me more hope seeing in-person that if others can make it work, I can use exposure to that to strengthen my own resolve; bit by bit, my husband and I are also cognizant of our own age gap and are making adjustments to help my own sense of independence when the time comes (coming from my own childhood background where "learned helplessness" was unfortunately instilled into me and has been a journey for me to grow through that).

Still, I don't want our remaining time together to just feel like we're preparing for a reality for when he's no longer around; it's why being a musician is a huge passion for me being able to a share a emotional connection with him in the rawest sense in-between our routine (even though routine is made of all the small things, I feel this still drives a lot of the contentment I feel together).

Of course, in the past, I have been vulnerable with him as a writer, and he was very receptive, but perhaps it's the "presentness" of music that feels more meaningful to me to connect with him than when it comes to writing for me which exists more in the "past" / "future".

In any case, I haven't written as much currently to an online stranger since I stumbled upon a Reddit thread in which I found out another online stranger happened to seemingly know my late middle school band director (if what he was saying is true, it was interesting learning the high school history they shared together that played part in him becoming a teacher - it gave me closure with finding out about his passing - even before my husband, learning music through my band director feels like it set me on a trajectory to establish the life I have now / discover early on my taste in older guys).

To try to wrap things up, since I can't just spend the weekend all day in bed, I think it's wonderful you have this bit of online space for furries / individuals to be open about questions & while it cannot be a substitute for professional help, the kind, thoughtfulness I feel you put into your responses is refreshing to see.

While a response would be nice (and maybe even continued contact as unfortunate in my nature to want to stay connected), I always feel a sense of caution about getting too invested in new social interactions; it's important to me to try to balance this investment with making sure I'm properly continuing to cherish my current social relationships.

That said, if it takes a month or more for a response, that would help tremendously in letting time sober things up, but I also don't mind if this ends up being a 1-time self-reflection into a vacuum as part of these "confidence in a stranger" itches I have. :)

Noirn (age 28)

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Dear Noirn,

It is therapeutic to write down one's thoughts as you have done here, even if you expect no response. If you don't already do so, you might try keeping a journal to the same effect. Journaling is highly recommended by many professionals in the healthcare field.

To answer your initial question, indeed, I am experienced with anticipatory grief. Real quick for some background: My first marriage ended in divorce; my second ended when Jim died very unexpectedly and suddenly at the age of 59; now I am married to Michael, who is 17 years my senior, and yes, I often think about what will happen should he go first, which is not the most unlikely of scenarios. I'm currently 61, so, you never know. I could die from various causes or an accident. Life is very unpredictable that way. I thought I would be with Jim for many many more years. On the other hand, although Michael is quite a few years ahead of me, for all we know he could live to be in his 90s, right? Obsessing about what might happen is like worrying whether a comet might slam into Earth and kill us all.

But your situation is more extreme, since you are 28 and your husband is in his 70s, which is a much wider gap than the one I have with my husband. Please understand I am not diminishing your legitimate feelings and concerns.

First, some practical advice: If you have not already done so, do some estate planning for both your husband and you. Set up a will or trust, whatever is best for your circumstances, life insurance, plans for burial, and so on. When Jim died, he left no will and I was not legally married to him (spiritually, yes; legally, no). This could have been quite the mess, but fortunately he had a very cool family (I still talk to his parents), and things ran smoothly. But I've heard lots of horror stories from others who were not so lucky (and I have no idea what your extended families are like). So, definitely, estate planning. Just knowing that there are plans for when the inevitable happens is a big comfort.

Second, record stuff! Record the music. Take videos. Take photos. Make recordings of your time together. If you don't, a lot will be lost. I tried to get Jim to write down things, and he never did. This was a man who had an amazing life. He had worked in radio and TV with people ranging from Howard Stern to Walter Cronkite; he had once had dinner with Ronald Reagan at the White House; he had stories like sneaking into Bette Midler's show at a bathhouse in New York when he was underage and watching her perform with Barry Manilow at the piano; he had tales of his times at Fire Island. Just, I mean, great stuff! But he never wrote it down and it's just the stories I recall that lacked detail.

I bet your husband has a lot of memories. Have him write them down or record him talking about them.

I'm betting you have researched anticipatory grief a lot, so you know about the symptoms and how it differs from grief after the loss. There is, though, one advantage to anticipatory grief over the other kind, and that is you have time to prepare. When Jim died, as I said, there was no time to prepare. He had a pulmonary embolism and died, literally, in two seconds flat without leaving any plans behind. The problem there was that not only was I grieving my loss, but there was the "WTF do I do now?" panic. My parents, on the other hand, both went slowly, so there was time to figure things out.

The other advantage you have over me is that it sounds like your husband is pretty active and in good health. Michael, on the other hand, is disabled and I am now his caretaker. So, our life is pretty limited, but yours is not. Do things with your hubby as much as possible. Make lots and lots of amazing memories. You know, if he is doing things he enjoys and is in reasonable health, he could live another 20 or more years! Oh, and if you don't have one, get a dog :) Dog ownership has been shown in many studies to increase people's lifespans by as much as 24%. Dogs are so damn awesome.

I'm not going to pound in obvious clichés like "live for today" and "stress is a killer." You already know all that, I'm sure. I think you know what to do, frankly. You're finding ways to give yourself self-therapy just by writing and talking about it. That's all good stuff. If you like, you can write again and we can chat more. You might also look into this group Anticipatory Grief that is free and will help give you tips and emotional support.

Blessed Be, Noirn.

And Bear Hugs!

Papabear