Thank you so much for creating this column for those who need it; it's very kind and thoughtful ^^
I'm new to this community (came out this summer to some friends, not to parents yet. I'm a bi furry with a male preference) and I have some friends who’ve helped me accept and love who I am; my problem is that I've fallen for one of them.
We've talked (and skyped) for about two months and he is my type (taller, a little chubbier, nice and we share the same interests) but I've told him I love him to which I feel like I've rushed our friendship; he says that it's his fault that he makes me feel that way. We apologized to each other and continue talking but I feel like it's my fault because I might be lonely and want companionship, is it my fault?
Thank you for your time and have a nice day ^^
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Never apologize for loving someone. Even if that love is not returned, to love another soul is to taste the divine.
To hate someone, or treat him or her cruelly, now THAT is something to apologize for.
Nor should your friend apologize for making you feel that way. He should feel flattered that he inspires such emotion in you and be grateful for it.
If he does not feel exactly as you do—or as intensely—it seems from your brief letter that he wishes to remain friends. And friendship, as Papabear has said before, is not to be taken lightly. There are many kinds of friends in the world: passing friends, chummy friends, beer-drinking-companion friends, and there are also dear friends.
The Greeks categorized love as falling into one of four categories: eros, agape, philia, and storge. Not to go too deeply into it, but eros refers to that physical, passionate love, the kind leading to sex; agape is a deep spiritual love, as might be experienced between two people who have been married for many years and, incredibly in this day and age, still love each other; philia refers to good friends (dear friends, as I called it above) who have a nonsexual affection for each other; and storge can be thought of in terms of family love (simply put).
Your friend might have backed off a bit because he was not interested in an eros kind of love, but the other types of love, or combinations of them, could still very well be available to you.
Now that you have established that your friendship should not have an erotic component, and you have defined the parameters, you should both feel free to further explore your friendship. Loneliness is not only assuaged by the love of a mate, but also the love of good friends, and lucky is that person who has to use more than one hand to count all his dear friends.
So, Papabear now wags his chubby finger at you and admonishes, “Stop all this apologizing and feeling guilty nonsense, both of you, and cherish your friendship.”
And, Conri, it is only natural to want companionship and love. You’ll find someone to love, but in the meantime, hold tight to your friends. You’ve already seen how friends can help! They helped you accept yourself for being who you are!
You are blessed to have friends.
A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.