​Hello,

I have a strange issue: I have fallen in love with a fursona/fursuit. I really like the person that is the creator of this character. When I see them, or are close to them, I feel like a teenager again. I feel my cheeks flush, and feel something stirring inside of me I thought was dead. When they are with me, I feel proud, like that guy who has the most beautiful girl in the room. I feel like I am in a bad SoFurry story. I know this isn't right. I have told them about my feelings.
 
Sadly, I love the person on the inside, but not romantically. I feel my feelings for the character may cause the person to feel I am romantically attracted to them. It makes me feel horrible, and I am afraid I will hurt their feelings, and that will just kill me. I do not know how to reconcile this in my head, since I know it is all fantasy, even though I wish it was real.

Thanks.
Xela (age 55)

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​
Hi, Xela,
 
Thanks for your letter. Question: what is it about the fursona that you really love? Is it just the appearance, or something more?
 
Papabear
 
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I will be honest. There are several things. Lookswise, I am immediately attracted in several ways. Someone I would love to be seen with, I find the attraction in my heart, I feel so up to be with her. And as much as I hate to admit it, she turns me on, as well. If anthros were real, I would do anything in my power to be her mate. Also, the hugs are magnificent, and she treats people so good, and has a great outlook. I realize the person inside has this component, but my mind makes all of this one package. When we are apart, I can rationally think this. When I am with her, my heart beats faster, my temperature goes up, and I just want to hold her. Like a teenager in love.
 
I hope this helps show my thinking. Thank You!
 
Xela
 
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Hi, Xela,
 
Sounds like you are attracted mostly to the appearance of the fursona. This is not at all an unusual phenomenon, and it happens not just in the furry fandom but across the board with fictional characters (cf. http://www.themarysue.com/the-psychology-of-fandom/). People often become enamored by characters and then associate that character with the actor who plays them, and it can be difficult to disassociate the two. An extreme example might be someone falling in love with Captain Kirk and then having feelings for William Shatner, even after discovering that Shatner, in real life, is, well, kind of a big jerk.
 
You say you really love the fursona, and even though you like the person who created it, you don’t actually love them. You’re worried you might somehow be leading them on, but has she ever expressed any emotions toward you? My guess is no and that you are worrying about nothing. Now, if she behaved as if she was falling in love with you, you might have a problem and have to have a sit-down with her, but unless she does that, I would just say continue as you are and have fun with it.
 
Since you aren’t deluding yourself that the fursona is real and you could somehow have a genuine romantic relationship with it, you must have a solid grasp of reality, and that’s great.
 
You should be less hard on yourself and less fretful that this is all so so serious. It isn’t. This is all fantasy, and you acknowledge that. So have fun with it! There is actually nothing wrong with indulging in a little fantasy, allowing yourself to get twitterpated over the sexy, huggable, friendly furry and just be happy with that. Who knows, you might also gain some experience in having a healthy relationship in the real world, such as getting lots of practice with hugs and displays of affection and kindness.
 
My advice, in conclusion, is to just enjoy the moment; don’t worry about the girl inside falling in love with you unless she actually does; and just be happy and furry.
 
Hugs,
Papabear

Third time! This time though, it's not as personal but a lot more complicated.

So I'm a big part of the Transformation/TF part of the fandom, a largely fetishized group with some very unique art. While I have yet to contribute, I have hit a small snag that bugs me. 

I knew this artist, we'll call them Carlos, who was a moderately decent artist with some glaring flaws and almost no following. He came across very abrasive and rash, which may have pushed people away. I got to know him and he was the same with me but seemed like a good guy. But then he dropped a major bomb.

There's another artist in the TF world, let's say she's...Joan. So I met Joan first and she is CRAZY popular, bursting onto the scene of TF by saying she needed money for a pet's surgery. Her fame skyrocketed with her clean art and tfs, albeit more on dA than FA. And it was through her, or him, that they revealed themselves to be the same person. 

So this mediocre male artist created an account to be a female artist with sympathy fans, and the same kinda mediocre anatomically incorrect art, but had done so in such a way to build up a massive following. Through this lie they amassed tons of fans and money, and nobody knows about this other than me. 

This female persona had a very specific niche for tf, let's say she only did Foxes. And she was very strict about doing anything not fox related, and having a list of fox species for people to pay and pick for their tf. But then for some reason, perhaps nobody else wanted foxes, she bails on this and accepts all animals out of the blue. For no reason other than more money. 

Then his normal male account posts a journal about getting tired of doing tf and I respond, saying that they might lose some fans if they drop tf altogether, but then they get all defensive at me, saying I'm the reason they quit skype, saying that dirty art is impure and filth among other things. The journal also insulted the furry community, calling it an emo ridden group of losers and just a horrible journal of horrible hate. It was so vile...he was dwelling on the clean days of tf but everything is dirty, nothing is ever 100% clean. It's not like it just started becoming naughty in the last 2 months.

Oddly, when we had chatted during skype and I expressed some disinterest in this person's affinity for chiptune and foxes, they freaked out at me. That may have been the downfall of our relationship.

Then, I blocked the male account because I was sick of being harassed by this liar and manipulator...but then I should check my messages a few hours later and find a note from the female account asking to talk things out. I ignored the note for a day cause I didn't wanna bother, but then when I decide maybe to give it a shot, guess what? She/He had blocked ME now! 

Here's what she sent me:

“So lets talk like actual adults before anonymity on the internet. Clearly you're upset, clearly I misspoke, a lot of it lacks context, and I think that lead to a lot of wacky insults and mudslinging.

“So if you'd like to actually hear why I feel the way I do, with details, instead of assuming I'm a run of the mill miserite troll scapegoating a community that does not deserve it. 

“And hey perhaps you could convince me otherwise but either way our last discussion was clearly some old salt in the wounds. Lets say we can heal like logical reasonable human beings?”

And so I can normally just block and remove a person from my life right? But this person works in the same vein of tf that I like and draw for, so every time I see their icon or name I just get knots in my stomach. I have a problem forgetting things and it's especially tough when I see their name everywhere. 

My final question is this; How can I move on and not be so bitter? Sure we both said some things, but the hastiness of the blocking and the inability to accept each other's opinions, but was it just a doomed friendship? Or is it just a moral sensor going off in my brain whenever I see the people she's/he's duped on their account praising this liar? Should I expose them? Clearly they won't leave the tf community when they have so much money coming in from selling out their ideals by taking other species, so I'm at a real crossroads.

Thanks a lot Papa!

From your favorite Malayan Civet (since I'm the only one in the fandom lol),
Cassidy~! (age 17)

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Hi, Cassidy,

The Internet is such fertile ground for drama, isn’t it? And the online furry community is certainly no exception. Whenever I get a letter such as yours, Papabear listens to his gut, which always tells me one of two things: either there is more going on here than meets the eye, or I’m hungry. If I’m hungry, I eat, and then get back to the problem, which is this....

Carlos/Joan (hereafter CJ) has some serious issues going on with him/her. These are emotional and possibly psychological problems that you likely know nothing about. You only know what CJ posts and chats with you about, and that’s it. When something upsets CJ s/he lashes out and acts somewhat irrationally. Joan seems to be the slightly more rational side, while Carlos the more fiery, defensive, and angry side. CJ may be bipolar or have cyclothymia or bipolar disorder Not Otherwise Specified. Sufferers of these illnesses go from depressed states to high states to various degrees and frequencies depending on the type of problem. Another possibility is some form of autism, such as Asperger’s, which can cause someone to overreact or react inappropriately in social situations (and become hypersensitive to any kind of criticism). This would explain the reactions to comments about his/her TF work and about the TF art community in general.

One of the more difficult interactions in any community is to express empathy and to show compassion and support to someone you just met online who appears to be a mean person. It’s hard because you can’t usually tell if they are that way because they are troubled or if they are just mean by nature. What Papabear usually tries to do (not always because some people are so unbalanced that I just hope they see a doctor, but I can’t afford the time to deal with their many problems), is first assume that someone is that way because they are unhappy. Then, instead of criticizing them, I ask them if they need a shoulder to lean on and a sympathetic ear. I certainly would not criticize something like their artistic skills and, instead, would encourage their desire to draw and express themselves (a very healthy activity). Even if they are poor artists now, with encouragement, they could improve. (If people criticized me harshly for my piano playing, I would be sad and would stop trying, but they are encouraging me and that is why I am slowly improving).

I wouldn’t bother to “out” CJ as being duplicitous (and you’re probably incorrect in assuming you’re the only one who knows s/he has two online profiles). It’s not illegal and it’s really none of your business (are you jealous that Joan has seen some success because she is really Carlos? Perhaps Carlos is actually Joan? Who knows? Who cares?) Many artists get commissions, I’ve noticed, especially among furries, by pleading they need help financially for something. It’s a way of supporting people. Perhaps it’s a bit disingenuous, but it’s called feeling some sympathy toward others. I always look at it as a “there but for the Grace of God go I” phenomenon. What if I were not so lucky as to have a job and a home and a family? Wouldn’t I cry out for help, too? I would. I’d be asking you to buy my books, even if the books didn’t interest you or you thought they stank up the place.

I believe what you are experiencing with CJ is the cacophony of a cry for help. It can hurt the ears, indeed, but one way to alleviate it may be to give them a big hug, some tea and sympathy.

Hope that helps,

Papabear

Hello Papabear,

First of all, I apologize if you have answered this already, but I am curious about something.

I am wondering what happens to someone's fursona after he/she passes away. Does it become up for grabs, does it stay with the deceased person, or does it just "die" as well?

Sincerely,
Kumori

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Hi, Kumori,

For most furries a fursona is something that is very personal, a part of them. Therefore, in most cases, I would surmise that when the furry dies so does his or her fursona. But, that’s probably not a hard-and-fast rule. For instance, many times a furry will leave his/her fursuit to someone else after they pass, or, quite often, even sell the fursuit long before their demise (because they need the money or are tired with that particular fursuit character). I guess it depends upon how strongly attached that person is to the fursona and how much that fursona reflects who they are. When I go, for example, Grubbs goes with me because he IS me. My fursuit (if it is still in one piece by that time) will be inherited, but at that point it just becomes furry fabric and paw pads and claws, a souvenir.

That’s just fursuits, of course. Many furries don’t own one, and their fursona lives in illustrations or in written fiction. In that case, I reckon it would be even easier to keep a popular furry character alive as others draw fan art or write fan fiction, sort of like how James Bond keeps appearing in movies even though Ian Fleming died a year before I was born. As with our memories of a loved one, a fursona of someone we dearly loved can live on, even after its creator has shed the mortal coil.

Thanks for your question,

Papabear

*Warning, this will contain a lot of rambling and scatterbrained...ness. If I had figured out the proper way to say/type it, I might have figured it out already*

Hi! Well this is interesting, I'm asking a question on the same day I found your blog! (Is that the right word? I don't know. ;w; )

So here's my predicament.

I've been using the same username for almost 3 years. In that span I've done a lot of things: make art, evolve in my art, make characters, make friends, but also make enemies. And these enemies seem to love coming back to take swings at me. Several going as far as to wish me death.

Now I'm not someone who enjoys when people give them pity, but I won't deny that I love attention. But it feels that the attention is falling less on the art and more on the conflicts. 

So I've decided to make the change from deviantArt, to FurAffinity as I feel that better artists tend to get more work and commissions there as opposed to everyone posting everything on dA without any control. So since April I've been practicing anatomy, poses, furry stuff, for months nonstop! And I'm just getting ready to make the move, but then comes the issue. I've had my fursona, Cassidy, for about a year now. My FA account has a few friends and watchers and the sort, but bares the name of my old account. I know that I can make another account to just avoid all of this, but I want to bring my fursona to the center of my art and not have to hide. 

I've kind of put my fursona on my current FA already quite a bit, considering my fursona has some better personality traits than I do (and is also the opposite gender than I, showing a different side of me), trying to start anew with some new people, new furs, a community I'd really like to be a recognized member in. But the trolls from my deviantArt could find it, and some have, and preblocked it (before I had even made it active as I've had it for a few years as well)!

I'm just not sure what to do! I've got some great friends, and with my current account name actually having my real name in a clever kind of way (I won't give my account away, but it's something like Katrina'sArtCollection, that sounds nice and stuff) but then have my fursona be the face of it without having to draw myself or anything.

I'd like to think I've changed in the negative things I've done on my dA account, grown as a person, etc., but these people haven't been around to see it. Makes me wonder if I should care what they think.

But my point is, after all that, is that would making a new account change anything? Remove the infamy? Or should I stick it out and continue with my friends and watchers, and ignore the haters and go strong? Would no matter what, the negatives or the past bleed through and it'll all be for not one day?

Thank you for reading my blabbering.

With the warmest of hugs,
Cassidy The Civet~

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Dear Cassidy,

One has to wonder what went on that you have enemies who want you to die. I’m sure that must be an exaggeration on their part, yet their enmity is clear. On the other paw, you’ve turned over a new leaf and have friends on your side. Good.

It’s not uncommon for furries to change their fursonas (or have more than one fursona), but this is more an issue with branding than with alter egos. You’re trying to brand your art business and make Cassidy the familiar face your customers associate with it.

Now, if we were talking about a brand image like the McDonald’s arches or the Nike swoosh or Tony the Tiger, I could definitely see the problem. You wouldn’t want to drop logos like that because they are recognized the world over. But you’ve only had Cassidy as your fursona for a year, so it’s hardly a widely recognized image. Establishing your art site with a different mascot character would not, therefore, be much of a setback and would not hurt your business or your desire for recognition in the fandom.

That said, you should also not allow yourself to be intimidated by trolls, who aren’t going to forgive you anyway, and are not going to be your customers or followers. So what if they trash you? Everyone gets trashed on the Internet at one point or another, including Papabear. I’ve been called an aspiring popufur who only writes a column for fame and money (I guess my accountant is hiding my money in Switzerland, because I haven’t seen a dime of it, LOL).

To answer your question: you are really facing a “six of one, half dozen of the other” situation. To my mind, it really won’t affect you much one way or the other how you decide this, so go with what feels right to you. Trust your instincts.

Good Luck,

Papabear

Dear PapaBear,

I am glad to have found your website where you help furries out and I myself am an ongoing Furry, with a similar problem someone had stated to you already.

I've got a hard time to decide what my fursona should be and find myself scared to be disliked or hated by others or even friends of the furry scene for being an overpopular chosen species, one that barely is taken and to be taking blame for being a copycat with a self-created species.

The fandom itself really helped me in up and downtimes of my life, wishing to take full part in it even with anxiety and trying to give too much to be noted. I hope you can help one like myself, wishing you great days and thank you for helping others out. Someday I may do the same as well.

Lyah (age 24, Germany)

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Dear Lyah,

Greetings and welcome to the fandom. I’m not sure how long you have been involved, but I find your characterization of the fandom odd. Whatever gave you the impression that furries would hate you because of the fursona you chose? Maybe things are different in Germany, but here in the USA no one cares what species—or hybrid—you choose for a fursona, so long as you don’t copy exactly what someone else has done. I would be very upset, for example, if I saw a duplicate of my fursuit being worn by someone else; I’d also be a bit miffed if someone else called themselves Grubbs Grizzly. But I’m absolutely happy with anyfur who chooses to be a bear species. We need more bears! :-)

Remembering that it is not a requirement to have or fursuit, or even a fursona, to have fun in the fandom, you should design your alter ego to please you not someone else. The point is to enjoy yourself and not worry about what others think. The spirit of furriness is individuality and creativity. We are nonconformists, which is why we’re usually seen as oddballs among the mundanes.

So, please, create your fursona to your taste and participate heartily, merrily, whole-heartedly in the fandom!

Hugs,

Papabear

Dear Papabear,

How are you? I found your website while browsing the internet searching for a solution to my problem, and from what I can gather, you seem to be the right person to assist me.

I have been a furry for many years now. I often participated in furry events and was also a member of several furry websites, including FurAffinity. I have always used a cat fursona, as cats are some of my favourite animals and I related to them in many ways, especially when it comes to hygiene, considering that I am somewhat obsessed with cleanliness.

However, after an unexpected incident drove me to back away from the Furry Fandom for many years, my personality changed drastically. 

Now I finally feel ready to return, and have planned the whole process like a military operation. It might be a bit exaggerated, I admit, but I want to make sure that everything goes according to plan.

The only problem I have found, however, is of paramount importance in this ordeal: I am having doubts about my fursona!

Finding an adequate fursona is a central piece in my comeback. While I am fully aware that a fursona is meant to be created out of fun rather than duty, I absolutely need to feel that my fursona's personality reflects my own. This is why it has been so difficult to find the adequate animal to represent me.

I have tried to answer multiple tests online and find the right animal for me, all to no avail. I obtained several different results, such as cat, fox, beaver, wolf and even elephant.

I relate to foxes much more nowadays, but I still feel like I 'am not worthy' of being one. That my personality does not appear to be that of a fox's, not to mention that a fox is more of a canine rather than a feline, and I have always harbored some contempt towards canines, seeing then as 'dirty', although I myself cannot explain why.

In order to find my animal, I will try and explain my personality so that perhaps you can help me find out what animal better suits me:

I am a loner, as I prefer to stay alone. However, I sympathize with others, and others often see me as kind, organised and very intelligent, if somewhat distant and unable to relax, for I am always too focused on maintaining a serious appearance.

I am not a leader. If I were to lead, I would use someone to be a front and to carry out my will, so that if my ideas were to ever draw out enemies, they would focus on him and not me.

I favour intelligence over brute force. I myself am not what you would call physically intimidating. My strength resides on my ability to speak and to bend words and sentences to my will. Therefore I love to debate, and I often win. But I can hold my own in a fight nonetheless, and am stronger that I appear.

I am a epicurist. I do not seek great thrills or adventures, but rather find pleasure in normal and reasonable activities. However, normality somewhat bores me, as I find myself wishing that the superheroes that we often see on TV where real.

I am a romantic man, and prefer to maintain a classical approach towards love. 

I am not violent, but if I am physically harmed, I will defend myself, and to my disappointment, I find pleasure in punishing those who have wronged me. A sadistic side of my personality, if you will.

I am also an open-minded person. I have done volunteer work before, and love animals. I also enjoy helping others.

That is all that I can recall. Considering all that I have written here, what animal do you think I should represent myself as?

Thank you for your help, and have a nice day.

Best wishes,

Anonymous Entity (age 21)

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Dear Anonymous,

It is my belief that picking a fursona is a very personal endeavor, and, therefore, one to be pursued alone. I have written on the topic of choosing one a number of times in this column, and, if you would like to learn more, simply go to the Ask Papabear Letters page and select fursonas under Categories and it will give you several useful hits.

Be that as it may, I thought it would be fun to try and pick a fursona for you as an amusing mental exercise. Reading about your qualities, I have selected one: Crow. Here’s why:

1. You value intelligence, and the crow, a member of the Corvid family, which includes jays, is extremely intelligent. I’ve seen videos where a crow has fashioned a hook out of a bit of wire in order to fish out a piece of food from a bottle. Crows figured out, too, how to use cars to crush nuts for them, and they have mastered the duffle bag zipper, among other accomplishments.

2. You are a loner: While crows can flock into a “murder” of their kind, they are very independent souls as well.

3. You’re a romantic: Crows mate for life, and they have quite a romantic display when they are courting involving formal bows and mutual preening, which I find charming.

4. While you have your independent side, you are also charitable and like to volunteer: Crows will work together for protection. Gathering in small groups of perhaps a half dozen or so, several crows will feed on the ground while one or two others keep watch for dangers. They then rotate duties.

5. Generally nonviolent, you can be fierce: Crows don’t go looking for fights, but they will chase off fierce raptors such as hawks and owls.

6. They’re clean: while not too picky about their food, eating everything from seeds and insects to carrion, crows have been seen washing their food. Although some scientists speculate they are just softening the food a bit for eating, many others believe crows are a bit fastidious.

7. You like some normalcy in your life: Crows have regular fixed routes for flying about to feeding areas and then back to roost each day, so they do like their routines.

8. But you also have an adventurous side and like stories of superheroes: Crows enjoy a rich presence throughout human mythology. To the Greeks, the Crow was a creature of prophecy and was associated with Apollo. In the Mabinogian the Crow is a harbinger of death. In Celtic myths, the Crow was associated with the warrior goddess Morrighan. In the Eddas, two crows serve as Odin’s spies.

9. Your tongue as weapon: And, of course, the Crow appears in many Native American stories as a clever trickster on a par with Coyote. Your ability to “speak and bend words” goes perfectly with the clever Crow of these tales.

So, if I were to pick for you, I’d pick Crow. However, what I think is completely irrelevant. Perhaps, though, you can learn a bit from my method of reasoning this out and emulate that to select your fursona.

Remember not to stress out about it. It will come to you eventually.

Hugs,

Papabear