Hi, Papabear!

Firstly, I just wanted to say thank you so much for all you do in the furry community. It personally touches me and helps so many others, so I greatly appreciate how much effort you put into helping other furs.

Okay, here's my question. I turn 14 in a month and want to really start getting involved in the fandom. I live about an hours drive away from Toronto so I'd like to go to Furnal Equinox in 2019, but the trouble is, though my parents are supportive of my "furryness" my dad rarely gets days off from work and I'm not sure my parents as a whole want to spend a bunch of money on a hotel room, con admission, so forth. I'm worried that they also might say that most of the attendees will be adults and there's no reason for a 14 year old to go. (Sorry for all the details.)

So, do you have any advice on what I should say to my parents, or what I should do to bring them this idea? I don't want to be the greedy little child, but at the same time I don't want to be the pushover with no backbone. What is your opinion?

Thanks so much!
​
Clexis (14, Ontario)
 
* * *
 
Hi, Clexis,
 
I'm not sure what kind of job your father has, but most cons, including Furnal Equinox, occur during the weekend. Does your father have to work weekends? If so, that will, indeed, be an issue. Perhaps just you and your mother could attend?
 
Furcons can be kinda pricey, yeah. Not the con itself, if you get a basic membership, but it's the hotel room that can hurt the pocketbook. Many furries resolve this by sharing rooms, but if you are with your mom and/or dad, that seems unlikely. Furnal Equinox rooms are already going fast, and regular doubles are sold out, which means the next available room is $229.50, plus taxes, resort fees, etc. etc. Now, if you are a fursuiter, I always recommend getting a room at the con hotel (or ask a friend with a room to allow you to borrow the room and shower to change), BUT! If you don't need to change in a nearby room, nothing says you can't stay at another nearby hotel for far less money. The hotel is near downtown, and a quick search shows you can find nearby rooms for half that price or less, then just walk over or take a quick cab to the furcon hotel, saving yourself hundreds of dollars. You can, as well, save some money by buying breakfast and lunch items in a grocery store and stocking up in the fridge at the hotel so as to avoid expensive restaurant food.
 
So, say you do this and your parents come along and you have to pay for gas and food and so on: you are talking about $400-$500 for the weekend, minimum. Here's a question: would you be willing to find a part-time job to pay for it yourself? You have a little over six months to save $500 (let's call it $600 to be safe). That's means you would only have to earn $100 a month. If you found a job, say, babysitting or tutoring or as a store cashier or things like that, you could easily earn enough money by the time of the furcon and then treat your parents for the weekend. This will have the bonus effect of impressing them as to how serious you are (and generous and hard-working), which will go a long way toward their allowing you to be furry.

The average age of attendees at furcons is about 18-25, but there ARE quite a few younger attendees (and older). In fact, last time I went to Califur, I was surprised to see probably a dozen or more kids under 15 with their parents, and that number seems to go up every year.
 
Most parents I have spoken with who attend furcons leave with a very good impression of these events. It is a great idea to take your parents to one! 
 
Good Luck! If you do go, let me know how it went!
 
Papabear

Dear Papa Bear,
​
This particular issue has been on my mind for a long while, and today I can no longer bear the thought of this daily. I’m not too sure whether you’re the right person to talk to or whether there’s any way you can help, but I don’t really have anything to lose so I thought I might as well try. (You might want to grab a cup of coffee, as this will take a little while to explain. Also, it’s a bit heavy, just thought to warn you before you read further.)

I’m an 18 year old furry from the not-so-sunny land of Wales. I’m known by my friends and family for being a pessimist and sadly that couldn’t be more true. I have a medical condition which means I was born with only a single ear. Obviously, that means I cannot hear as well as other people, but also, I was bullied a lot while I was growing up. The option was presented to me to have a prosthesis attached to implants to make it look like I had two ears to help me “fit in”, and another implant that poked outside of my head to attach a hearing aid, so I could hear. For the most part, this worked as intended and was a great help, however this was not to last.

Back in October 2015, due to the growth spurt in my teenage years, a layer of skin had grown over all of my implants, and the hospital decided they were going to sort out the implants for my prosthesis first. They cut away at the skin around the area to uncover the implants again, then grafted a piece of skin from my thigh to replace it.

Soon after, a new model of hearing aid was introduced that involved a magnet under the skin. The doctors presented this to me as a solution to fix my hearing aid implant as it being covered by skin would be okay, and I wouldn’t have to worry about having it uncovered. After a bit of looking into things, they discovered that the hearing aid implant I currently use (installed in around 2008) was too old and therefore couldn’t have a magnet attached to it. So they said I’d need to have another implant a little further up. This would be an exact repeat of the surgery performed in ‘08, and they said as the procedure would only take around 30 minutes, I would most likely be discharged the same day I was admitted.

And here’s where we get to my problem.

After that surgery in 2015 to uncover my prosthesis implants, everything was fine, until about a week after.

Unbeknownst to me, a small section of graft was not bonding with the surrounding tissue, leaving a small pocket. At around 3am that night, it started to bleed heavily, and despite both me and both of my parents being medically trained, we could not stem the bleeding. The paramedics were called as I was going into shock and I was losing consciousness. Although it seems like half of the event was never recorded in my memory, my parents told me I was saying things like “I’m going” or “I can see my great grandparents”. I was rushed off to hospital and I remember my mother praying on a rosary, as the doctors took a sample of my blood and assessed what happened.

The thing is, they found nothing. Their response was “we can’t find a reason why this happened, but for some reason, it happened.”

After two days in hospital, I was discharged again, and after another bleeding episode a few days later that we managed to take care of ourselves, that was the end of it. I was told by my parents that three were told I was very lucky to be alive. The whole near-death experience was extremely traumatizing.

The scary thing is that no-one ever found out why. I have a few guesses, but that’s all they are—guesses.

I’m going in for this new operation in the autumn and all I can think about is the same thing happening again, and me not being so lucky this time around. I’ve been living this past year (since January) in a downward spiral, believing in my heart I only have a few months left to live. I’ve been assured by everyone around me (including my conscious self) that I’m going to live through it, but it’s just not getting through deep down. A voice inside of me just keeps saying “you’re going to die”. Depending on the grades I get at results day on August 16th, I could have finally realized my dream of studying engineering at university, but have it snatched away from me at the last second. That’s what I feel like will happen.

My impending death is all I can think about right now, and it’s just getting worse and worse with each passing day, so ... what do I do?

Yours Faithfully,

Glyn (age 18, Cardiff, Wales)
 
* * *
 
Dear Glyn,
 
That is quite a story, and I am sorry about all you have had to go through.  It is quite amazing that medical science has progressed to the point where they can help you with your ear and hearing issues.  Medicine, though, is also sometimes referred to as the "medical arts" for a reason.  Medicine is not just about knowing anatomy, physiology, epidemiology, etc. Even now, doctors and researchers are still struggling to grasp that every individual is slightly different than everyone else in how their body reacts to medicines and medical procedures, as is apparently the case with you.
 
I'm sensing a reason you are frightened is that you might have a feeling of powerlessness. That can certainly happen when one has been faced with a life-threatening event such as the bleeding problems you have had. Being nervous about another procedure is perfectly understandable and normal. There are a couple things I would suggest: 1) ask to speak with your surgeon and talk to them about the procedure and ask them what they have learned from what happened the first time and if they are going to do anything differently with a second procedure (do not let up until ALL of your questions are answered), and 2) contact the hospital where the procedure was performed and ask to talk with a hospital counselor. Speak to them frankly about your worries and fears. I'm not sure about Wales, but in the USA this is called presurgical counseling.
 
It is very important, too, for you to realize that patients have rights and your decisions on how to handle your health are paramount. They are YOUR decisions, not the doctor's. Often, patients simply bow to whatever their doctors say without question. They fail to ask questions. They fail to tell doctors when they believe the doctor is not listening to their needs or if the doctor is dismissing their symptoms too readily. 
 
You can ease your mind by realizing YOU are in control, not the doctor. The doctor works for you, not the other way around. One thing this means is you are in control of the schedule. If you are not comfortable with the surgery scheduled for this autumn, then tell the hospital you wish to cancel or postpone it.  If I am reading your letter correctly, this is not a life-threatening need right now. That is, you will still be able to live and function without the surgery. Do you feel that you will be able to attend university? I am guessing you can, and if you have trouble hearing lectures, make sure you sit in a front-row seat (you can also record lectures and listen to them later with the volume turned up); if you need a hearing aid in the one ear, get one.
 
Only after all your questions have been answered about the surgery and you are mentally and emotionally prepared for it should you schedule a date. In other words, don't push yourself because pushing yourself about deadlines will only increase your anxiety levels.
 
You, Glyn, are ultimately in control of your own health and body. You have the right to be comfortable and well-informed about any medical treatments and surgical procedures involving your own body.
 
Hope that helps reassure you.
 
Hugs,
Papabear

Papabear,

When I was first became a furry, I also became an artist, and the two have been inseparably linked for me. I was also bi sexual at the time. During that time I had enough male companionship, but no female companionship that I craved. I eventually chose to be hetero and met a woman. When she found out that I was previously bi, I had to swear that that part of my life was in the past. She also did not like that I was a furry, and after a year, I eventually left the furry fandom. We ended up doing the American Dream bit, getting married, graduating college, getting steady jobs, getting a house with white vinyl fence, dogs, and eventually had a kid together. My partner's health started to really deteriorate once we had a kid, to the point where she was disabled and unemployed.

After 11 years, I happened across one of my old friends from way back in the furry fandom, who had become a successful illustrator and comic book artist. With only a little encouragement, she gave me homework assignments and I started getting back into art, and pretty quickly, into the furry fandom as well. And I have to say, it felt satisfying, deep down to my soul, to be producing art again. 

Not going to lie, I didn't make the smartest of decisions. I tried to keep that a secret from my partner. Two years later I ended up checking out a local major furry convention, and I ended up getting bit by the fur suiting bug. About this point in time I started ramping up my participation in the furry fandom, and it starts spilling into other aspects of my life. I also started spending less time exclusively with my partner so that I could work on art and projects as well, and have become chronically sleep deprived. Being an artist is a funny thing. You could have spent the whole day doing things that needed to be taken care of, but if you don't put a pen to paper, the whole day feels unproductive. I digress. My partner at this time had told me that she did not want to hear _anything_ furry related for 6 months. Not my most mature decision, I tried to keep my furry passion underground during that time, and it wasn't until closer to the end of the 6 months that i realized tha t really, my partner just wanted me to spend more time with her. 

After the 6 months were up, I was starting to try to strike a balance between the two, spending time with my partner, and trying to be honest and open about my increased presence in the furry fandom. I really want to make a fursuit. But then a major life altering event occurred and my partner was the victim of a crime. My partner reported this crime, and the police then made her a victim a second time by victim blaming her. It's a great injustice my partner has suffered, but the topic itself has also become a very polarizing issue in her life. People either believe she is innocent, or that she is not the victim. 

Anyway, a year from the previous furry convention, and I'm allowed to be as involved in the furry fandom as I want to be. I end up making a group of friends who all come to attend the convention, and I have managed to make a tail by this point and attended the con with my friends. My partner, after 2 days into the 4 day convention, basically tells me that either I can continue to attend the convention and she'll divorce me, or I can miss the rest. Tough pill to swallow, but I'd rather not let a furry convention be the reason I get divorced. 

A couple weeks later, and we're out having dinner together as a date, and she mentions that she can never accept the furry fandom or me for being part of it. She has a confirmation bias that the furry fandom is all a bunch of perverts. That was basically my breaking point. I've had multiple people tell me that I am in an abusive relationship, even though my partner always tells me that I am the one who is emotionally abusive to her. Having lost our primary source of income when she became disabled, we were on a financial precipice, and at this point in time I can accept that we may finally lose the house and a lot of other stuff. She had made it very clear that if we didn't have a child together, she would have already left me long ago as well. She has repeatedly issued me an ultimatum, do I want to get back together with her or do I want to get a divorce. The first time I did say yes on the divorce, and she did _everything_ in her power to get me to change that statement. No w I simply don't have it in me to tell her that even if it is what I wanted. 

I know ultimately, the only person who can make that decision is me, stay or leave. And I know that the reason my life is in financial ruin is from that relationship, but I also know that I have my responsibilities to my child and will not just walk out on my child's life. Sorry to have to give you the whole life story, but I could really use some outside advise right about now. What is your thoughts on staying married vs getting divorced?

Anonymous

* * *

Dear Furiend,

When it comes to the question of getting a divorce, I think you already know the answer. The issue you have come across is not about your being a furry. It is about control and lack of acceptance. You could substitute "I enjoy doing furry stuff" for many other things (e.g., "I am a fanatic about playing golf" or "I really enjoy going to Star Trek and Dr. Who conventions") and she would put an ultimatum on those things, too. Why? Because she feels you are not paying enough attention to her. One might think it is because of her bad impression of furries, but you tried showing her a convention and you have probably told her until you are blue in the face that you aren't having fursuit sex or whatever and she has not listened, has she? Again, it's about control.

Healthy relationships are not about one spouse controlling the other, but you already know that, too. Being a furry is part of who you are, and if she can't accept that then she can't accept you for being you. If that is true, then it is already over, whether or not you divorce.

Next terrible thing is how she is using your child as a weapon. This is unfair to you and it is unfair to your child. Back when I was in high school, my parents were getting ready to break up. I was told several times, "We are only staying together because of you." What a horrible thing to say to your child!  In other words, it was my fault that my parents were miserable?  If I didn't exist, they would be happily divorced?  Holy crap! This is an act of her extorting you, as well. There might be an implication here that you won't get to see your kid?

This all said, I am very sorry for her legal troubles. I believe her and you when you say she was the victim and the police are part of the problem. My sympathies. That is a different issue, however.

It is possible for you to continue to support her and to be a father to your child after a divorce. When my wife divorced me after I realized I was gay and came out to her, we had a rough time of it, yes, but we are now friends, and we still support each other as friends. And if you get divorced, you and she will always be the father and mother to your child, and you can and should always be there in the father role.

My recommendation? Find yourself the best attorney you can afford, and if you are confident in your decision, file for divorce before she does. Why? According to the Washington State law firm McKinley Irvin, there are several reasons to file papers first, according to their website:
​

• You get to plan in advance and take your time selecting a lawyer, rather than having to scramble to find a lawyer to meet with you and file a Response within 30 days of being served.
• You have time to be mentally and emotionally prepared for the financial cost of divorce.
• You have the first choice of which court will hear your case. Depending on where you live, having your case heard in one courthouse over another could be a significant advantage. For example, if your spouse moved to another county, he or she could file in that county once they meet the residency requirement.
• You are in control of the timeframes.
• As the petitioner, you get the first argument at trial.
• By initiating the divorce process, you have the opportunity to start protecting community assets.
• It prevents possible stalling by the other party.

Be honest with yourself as to what you want and why, and be prepared for the legal consequences to follow. After the emotional and legal difficulties you will endure, make sure your heart is always in the right place by maintaining your rights to be a father and by trying, if you can, to remain friends with your ex. After all, there were reasons why you married her in the first place, so she can't be all bad.

Good luck!

Papabear

Hiya Papabear,

I wrote you a weeks... month? I'm not sure, I'm bad with time. Anyways, I wanted to let you know that I got my fursuit (fullsuit) and I absolutely couldn't be happier with it, you're advice really helped me and I thank you for that. 

Onto my actual question, well... its not easy to explain but I'll try to keep it short. I grew up in a very isolated household where my parents weren't around often, me and my two brothers pretty much learned to fend for ourselves growing up. Because of this experience I kind of forced myself to be strong and try to make everything ok because back then I couldn't afford to be soft. This unfortunately has followed me throughout life, I seem to be unable to show my true emotions. I know I'm sensitive and am often hurting, but for some reason I am completely unable to outwardly show it. I can't cry, I can't even tell people what's wrong, my instinctual response to when anyone asks me if something is wrong, is to say "nothing" and "I'm fine" or sometimes its just "Don't worry about me, I'm tough" and these are all lies. Ugh, this is already getting to long and I'm sorry for that. But there's a prime example, I feel like I'm not worth anyone's time, I'm not worth help. And this st ems from my childhood as well as other experiences I've had, because the few times I've actually opened up to people, they've left because they didn't want to deal with me. All these things have led me to just build a wall around myself and not let anyone see the real me, and because I've been doing it for the majority of my life, I'm not even sure what the "real me" is anymore. I've sought out therapy and medicine, neither worked so I stopped. At this point I'm just kind of forcing my way forward day by day pretending I'm fine when I'm not.

Sorry about the potentially unnecessary backstory. My question is this, how do I let people in? How do I open up to people who want to help me? I'm terrified of what will happen when I do, I'm terrified if I stop being what I am now, there isn't anything left. What do I do?

Kayne

* * *

Dear Kayne,

I'm glad to hear my earlier response was helpful to you; thanks for telling me :-3

Yes, having a difficult childhood can certainly lead to the problems you're currently experiencing. As you say, you had to be tough to survive your travails, and now this toughness has become entrenched into your personality. Fortunately, I would not say you are suffering from an emotional or mental health issue because you do feel emotions (and I assume they are appropriate emotions); you just are unable to let them out. What we have here, then, is a habit issue. You have programmed yourself not to show emotions to other people and you can't figure out how to break this habit.

How do you break a bad habit?

One classic way to do so is to replace it with a good habit. I suggest you already have such a habit available to you now: fursuiting! When you feel the need to express yourself, do so in fursuit. Being in fursuit (and in character) allows you to reduce or eliminate feeling self-conscious about your emotions because you have a secure barrier around you, so to speak, to protect you from feeling judged. When people react to what you are doing, they are reacting to your fursona and not "you," you see. This is the same method that actors on stage use. Many actors are quite shy in person, but when they are in character on stage or in front of a camera, they have a tool for letting out their emotions.

And you don't always have to do this while wearing your fursuit. You can also do it while just being your fursona in, say, roleplaying games online. You might think this is "hiding," but what it really is, is a way for you to rehearse and exercise your emotions. Just like working a flabby body gives you stronger muscles, exercising your self-expression will improve it over time. By doing so under the protection of your fursona, you will get lots of solid practice on how to openly let out your feelings to others in a relatively safe and productive way.

Another method you can use in concert with the above is to practice expressing emotions in a private setting. While no one else is around, go into your bedroom or bathroom and practice all sorts of emotional outbursts: cry, scream in anger, laugh out loud, express passion, express anguish. It is important to do this out loud and not in your head. Talk to the mirror about what is frustrating you or bringing you happiness or sadness. You can also try doing this with a plush toy or other object. Talk to, say, a teddy bear and tell it you hate it, you love it, it's driving you crazy, whatever you're feeling inside. Let it all out.

Keep doing these things over and over and eventually you will become comfortable enough to wean yourself off the teddy bear and fursona and begin expressing yourself to others as yourself. Do this on your own schedule and don't push yourself and don't give yourself unrealistic expectations or deadlines. This could take weeks, months, even years to happen, but it will happen if you keep at it diligently.

Good Luck!

Hugs,
Papabear
​

Dear Papabear,

Let me start off by saying this weighs heavily on me, and has for a time.

When I was 17 I came out as gay, and through the next couple of years after growing up with my sexuality I started leaning more towards bi, with a strong preference for men.

In 2012 I met my current girlfriend, we met on pounced and had the best conversations. We were, and still are, best friends. But the problem is me still struggling with my sexuality. I guess the way to explain it is I have a strong sexual/romantic attraction to men, while its mostly a romantic attraction to women. 

So now my sex life has dwindled to nothing, and I find myself resenting even getting into this relationship in the first place. Which is completely unfair to my mate, but I stay with her either out of being scared of being alone or for the fact I cling to some small hope I can fix it/change myself. 

It's worth putting in that we have an open relationship, but when I brought up that I would like to start seeing guys she shot the idea down saying that it was selfish of me to want to date men while our sex life together is near dead. And I completely agree with her that it was selfish for me to consider it. But I might need the help of a little blue pill with her, or even men for that matter, due to my problems.

I'm sorry for spilling that on you and I'm not even sure how to formulate a question out of this, except what do you think I should do? She is a dear and beloved friend, but the problem is that she feels more like a friend than a mate. And that's my fault, since the sex died with my arrousal issues, I put her in the friend category

Kreed (age 29)

* * *

Dear Kreed,

News flash: if she is telling you that you can't see people then you are not in an open relationship. Not sure what her definition of "open relationship" is, but that ain't it. Therefore, you are in a monogamous relationship with a woman and you are not sexually attracted to women, only romantically so. The second thing you have incorrect is that you need "fixing." There is nothing wrong with you and you don't need to fix anything. You are sexually attracted to men and that is how you are. VERY unlikely that will change at the age of 29 and beyond. Finally, you are guilting yourself into staying in this relationship because you don't want to hurt her feelings. Wrong again. You are doing your friend a disservice by giving her false hope that you can force yourself to have sex with her, perhaps even resorting to pills. At the same time, this is causing resentment to build inside you. The longer you keep it inside, the more likely it is that it will explode in a hurtful way to both of you. Not healthy.

It is NOT your fault that you don't want sex with her. What IS your fault is that you are continuing to lead her on in a relationship that is almost certainly going to end in disappointment for you both.

This is a wake-up call for you, Kreed. Take out the garbage that is this guilt of yours and show her that you respect her and care enough about her enough to tell her the truth that a romantic relationship that includes sex is off the table.  What you need to do is recognize that this can be a wonderful friendship, but that it ends there.  This is not a bad thing.  Great friendships are to be cherished, but the longer you string her along, the more resentment will build, and the more likely it is you won't even be friends anymore, and you don't want to lose that, do you?

Tell her the truth of how you feel and do whatever you can to preserve your friendship.  Now would be a good time.

Hugs,
Papabear​

Dear Papabear,

The other day, I had a rare day out into the capital with one of my friends and I managed to meet up with a few of hers. One of them took me by surprise as he was an older guy, mid-40’s as a guess, with a nice round tummy. And, I do certainly have a thing for older, round-tummied men.

Once the day out had ended and I was back home, I wrote him a message asking if, because he was single, if he’d ever consider having a male companion. He told me he was cool with me being gay and liked me as a friend, but was only really interested in women. It’s a bit of a blow to discover this is a straight-crush, but that’s besides the point. Even if it never goes romantic, he still seems like he’ll be a great friend to me.

The point is that he’s a smoker. He told me he only does about 3 a day, so it could be a lot worse. But, regardless, smoke is still smoke. I’ve had a highly adverse attitude to smoking for as long as I can remember, partially because of how it’s a key sign of falling for peer pressure, partially because of all the health-risks it imposes (I do actually wander if I have some milder form of asthma, given how easily I get out of breath when I attempt to run or jog, but I’ve never been diagnosed or anything. I also can’t help but think that it can’t taste all that good to kiss someone who smokes. Perhaps that’s something that could be resolved with a good tooth-brushing, but if it tastes as bad as it smells, I’m not all too sure.

All that being said, I did still fancy this guy, despite knowing he smoked. He was friendly and charming and, in my eyes at least, a very good looking fellow. So, I do question if smoking should be something I put to one side when looking for guys. Therefore, I ask, what should I do if I come across another man I fancy and they also turn out to be a smoker? Do I favour my metaphorical heart, or the one that pumps blood around my body? Or, maybe something in-between?

I guess this is the curse of being attracted to rounder guys. They might be better for rubbing and snuggling up against, but they’re rarely the result of a healthy lifestyle.

Hugs,
Anonymous 

* * *

​Dear Furiend,

Since this fellow is straight then there is no issue about kissing, and since he only smokes three fags a day, I'm sure you can hang out once in a while and avoid the smoke. Put that one aside.

Yes, smoking is a bad habit and I, too, avoid smokers. My parents were horrible smokers. I would come home from school and there would be fog banks of smoke in the house and the walls turned yellow with tar. I am convinced, too, that this was the source of all the earaches and infections I got as a child, which eventually led to a burst abscess in my ear and partial deafness. I despise smoking, especially cigarettes. I do admit, though, that I love the smell of a good pipe. It's weird that I find pipes sexy and attractive, but cigarettes make me retch. And it's not just the mouth of the smoker that is affected. Most smokers' clothes also smell of smoke, as do their homes. So, yeah, blech.

I wouldn't necessarily call smoking a moral failure, however. My mother started smoking after she gave birth to my sister and gained weight. This was back in 1962, and her doctor recommended she take up smoking to lose weight. There are still people today who smoke as a way to keep from eating too much. Also, cigarette companies fill the tobacco with nicotine to deliberately get people addicted, so there's that. As for older guys with tummies being unhealthy.... Hehe, well, when you get a bit older and your metabolism slows down it becomes more and more difficult to keep yourself thin. Back when I was in my twenties I could eat about anything and my weight was 140 lbs (63 kg). Today, I give a sideways glance at a brownie and gain three pounds. It is even harder for women than men to lose weight because of their physiology being designed to maintain fat to sustain producing children. Another thing, too, can be medications. My fiance is overweight because the medications he takes for various problems stemming from his military service cause him to gain and maintain pounds.  There are a number of drugs out there that do this, and you can't do much about it if you have to take the medicine to survive. So lets' not be too judgmental, shall we?

As for falling in love with a chubby smoker.... Fall in love with the person, not the appearance, when it comes to weight.  Habits are a different matter.  Sometimes, if you fall in love with someone who, say, smokes, you can convince them to stop and help them to do so. (BTW, furs, vaping is bad for you, too; don't be fooled.)

Same with more difficult things such as alcohol and illicit drugs.  It can be a tough row to hoe, though, and you really have to love them deeply to commit to that kind of stress.  If you are just meeting someone like that for the first time it might be best to say, "Thanks, but no thanks."

Take it on a case-by-case basis. There is no catch-all answer that applies to everyone.

Hugs,
Papabear

Dear Papa Bear,

Hello! My name is Coffee, and I am in my first relationship. I don't really know if it is a very official relationship. It was a bit sudden. It started when in a discord vc we got married as a joke and it was all fun and stuff. The day after he asked me if I would like to go on a date and date him. I had never really dated anyone before, I mean you could count kindergarten dates but I don't, and so I was pretty stunned that this would happen. He's a nice guy and he cares about me, but I don't know. I'm not sure if I like him as much or in the same way he likes me. The guy, let's call him Jake, I think likes me quite a bit. The problem is we live quite far apart. We have 13 hours between us, and so it can be a bit difficult keeping up with each other. This is not to say we haven't tried like working it out I guess, we had our date (we went on a movie night) and are planning to go on another one. However I don't whether this is fair for him, or I guess myself. He deserves being with someone that cares about him as much as he cares about them, and I guess I do too, which I think is a bit selfish. I'm not sure what to do. I kind of want to break up with him because I'm not as into the relationship as I would want to be, but I really don't know how to go about it. Do I vc him? Text him? I feel like it would be best to do it over vc but I don't know if I'm up to it. If I was given more time with him to really get to know him maybe I'd like him more but IDK. I apologize for this brain dump, I realize it might be all over the place but that's just how my mind is working through this problem right now.

Coffee (age 17)

...
Dear Papabear,

I submitted a question about my relationship situation around a week ago and I wanted to remind you of it. I also wanted to tell you of some recent developments! I got some advice from a friend of mine that the next time my boyfriend (?) (I forgot what I called him in the last letter so I'll call him Wolfie) and I had a date that I should see how I feel after the date and break it to him. I'm grateful for her advice, and I trusted that she had my best intentions in mind. We have been friends for a couple of years now and we've helped each other through some hard times. Well, Wolfie and I were having a doodling date that night, so I made myself some coffee and put a little liquid courage in it before heading up and getting on VC. 40 minutes into the date he started kinda asking questions, and I told him how I felt. It might have been the extra ingredient in my coffee or my guilt but what I had struggled to tell him in previous conversations just spilled out. He understood where I was coming from and, albeit close to tears, told me that it was alright and that he would be willing to wait for as long as I needed. I thought, and still think, that Wolfie has a heart of gold and everything and that he loves me, but I guess this is the same problem as the one you discussed in your latest "He Wants to Hear I Love You Back" letter, but in the opposite person's view. I haven't felt a spark and we haven't spent much time together, and so I'm really not sure how to go about this. I've only ever had 2 crushes in my life, both of which were because the guy was extremely cute/handsome and neither of which were romantic. I'm not really sure what to do at this point. I explained to Wolfie that I felt guilty in keeping him from finding someone who loved him like he loves me, but he insisted that he could be patient. 

I hadn't really thought about it, but this new development has kinda made me question my romantic orientation. Am I demi? Am I aro? I've tried to read up on the romantic spectrum, and a lot of the aromantic stuff says that aromantics don't have an instinctual want for a romantic relationship, so I don't think I'm aro because I still feel the need to be held and still have some want for a relationship maybe way down the line. But at the same time, I'm not sure if I'm demi simply because my thoughts around relationships always were centered around the question of sexuality, and not so much romanticism. 

I hope that this information will maybe help you keep a clearer picture of my situation. 

Yours Truly,

Coffee

* * *

Dear Coffee,

You're overthinking this with regard to your sexual/romantic orientation. The reason you're having a hard time connecting romantically to Wolfie/Jake is simple: distance. You are 13 hours apart, right? Your relationship is mostly via the phone and the computer. This is a fairly new development in human relationships, so there is still much debate on social media and among sociologists and psychologists as to how feasible and practical LDRs really are. If you want Papabear's opinion, a relationship with little or no physical contact is lacking an essential ingredient that will leave both parties wanting. They simply are not satisfying.

Is it possible that, in the future, the two of you will be living in close proximity? If not, my opinion is that you are better off just being friends and that, in addition, this has no relevance to your romantic orientation. That is something you can only figure out when you've had a couple relationships of a physical nature (not meaning sex necessarily, but human beings need touch, hugs, kisses). If you do plan on living near each other or even with each other at some point, then have patience until that comes along and perhaps don't break it off just yet. Young people are always in such a hurry to make decisions about their lives that really should not be rushed into. You have time.

Hope this helps.

Hugs,
Papabear​

Hello Papa Bear,

My name is Kreed and I'm a 29 year old husky living in southern Louisiana. I've been in the fandom since pre-teens and have pretty much grown up with it and love it more than anything.

Now my problem is, I'm going to be turning 30 in October. I'm no longer going to be known as a young fur but a grey-muzzle now, ironically my beard is infact greying. My only problem is that the vast majority of the fandom are younger furs, and want nothing to do with an "oldie" like me, trust me I've tried befriending some.

So my question is if there's still a place for a greymuzzle like me in this fandom full of younger furs? Or should I hang up my sona and say thanks for the good run?

Borks and wags,
Kreed

* * *

Dear Kreed,

OMG yes! There is a place for you in the fandom and always will be! Are you on Facebook? If so, please join the Greymuzzle group there that I administer. We are 1,686 members and growing, with furries aged 30 to 74 (and no age limit on the higher end, of course).

In this bear's opinion, greymuzzles are hardcore furries. Yes, the majority of furries are in their teens and twenties, but many of those furries drop out of the fandom when they "get too old for childish stuff" and mutate into mundanes (how sad). Hardcore furries are furries for life with no limit because they are furries in their hearts and the only way one can change that is through invasive surgery ;-3

Do not hang up your fursona. Don't make me come over there and spank you, bad boy. Stay furry!

Hugs,
Papabear

Hello, Papabear,

I just wanted to talk a bit about some things that have been bothering me (mostly relates to the furry fandom, I promise). Anyway, I've been a part of the furry fandom for technically 10 years ever since I discovered what fursonas were back in early high school (though my childhood love of anthro animals in Disney and WB cartoons actually predates my discovery of the fandom).

Anyway, for a while I grew interested in the artwork of certain furry artists on deviantART. Sure, the furry art was enjoyable but over time, I discovered the site known as FurAffinity. I lurked on there for quite a few years (still on there) but since I was a teenager, I was quite paranoid and anxious about it because I usually enjoyed the more...expansive furry art. It's kind of embarrassing but inflation and weight gain art was and is still very appealing to me but even though I very much favorite family friendly furry art and those artists I like too, it's been part of the reason I'm unsure of how to actually try and show my parents the tame (family friendly) side of the fandom so they don't get weirded out by the whole fandom and tell me not to do it even though I want to be a part of the community more, genuinely make friends and go to furcons/furmeets.

The thing is that I had gone through a very traumatic experience back in primary school where I was made fun of a lot but even worse, people made fun of my weight behind my back. It shattered my worldview and made me anxious, upset and scared people may have secretly hated me for so long and just were pretending to like me and I would have no idea who actually did it. It deeply affected me right into high school to the point where I was lonely, severely depressed and suicidal but even though I don't want to die now, I just want friends who understand me (I have friends but I barely see them and none of them are furries). That horrible experience still affects me to this day. I still am afraid of what people think of me and I have social anxiety at times and it's for that reason why I'm not sure about going to a furry convention because of all the squeakers and mutes that I'd feel unable to talk to and I'd feel intimidated too.

My parents (they're separated) do love me and are not religious because they thought we would be effectively brainwashed with hateful propaganda. The reason I stopped being a Christian years ago was because of the conservative bigots over the years who hate the LGBT+ community (I'm bisexual). It's just I never told them about the furry fandom except for this one time by PC froze up, my mum walked in and violated my privacy by going into my FurAffinity faves that I was browsing on which was both mortifying and infurating. She said it was disturbing (her words) and even though I empathized with her feelings, I've always by instinct minimized/muted my browser whenever I go out of my room because the thought of people looking into my...interests only makes me immensely uncomfortable because I fear being judged by my family when I already have a mild learning disability (Aspergers) and I already have a hard time dealing with loneliness and my frustrations with my own family after we split apart. They don't judge my disability and they are supporting me on that so that's good.

I don't want to keep hiding this fandom from them anymore. It keeps eating away at me and makes me feel worse about myself. I obviously feel uncomfortable showing the suggestive kink art but I'd rather show the family friendly works so they can at least understand (I hope).

Though all in all, what I'm trying to ask is is it wrong liking that artwork (even the family stuff), let alone being a furry?

I just want to know because this has been bothering me for a long time and I would love to get an answer as soon as you can.

Sincerely, Sam the dog (age 23, Australia)

* * *

Dear Sam,

You should know that in the furry world you are in good company. There is a plethora (love saying that word: plethora! PLEH-THOO-RAAH LOL) of furries who really like big furries, inflation, or both. Heck, there is a Facebook group that is not at all ashamed to call the group Fat Furry Fans, and there is a group of over 700 members called Inflatable Furries/Scalies. As a FurAffinity and deviantArt member who collects such art, you must surely be aware that these are popular subcultures within the subculture of furries in general, yes? So, while your experience within the mundane world involving shaming because of your weight is indeed harsh, I firmly believe you will be much more accepted at furry conventions and other social gatherings than you are in the mundane world.

Addressing the whole parent thing: While it is important for a parent to have an interest in their kids' lives and behaviors, and they should try to protect them from harm, it is intrusive to spy on sexual behavior--at least, legal sexual behavior. Everyone has private sexual habits that are not for everyone's eyes, and sneaking onto your computer to check out what you like in porn is a violation of your privacy and trust. Many parents think that trust is a one-way street, but it should be both ways: you should trust your parents and they should trust you. You don't sneak onto their computers and they shouldn't sneak onto yours. That said, having a secretive behavior is not cool, either. 

This is, admittedly, a tricky thing in families. You want to be open and have good communication, but on the other paw, you have a right to some privacy. I'm sure Mom and Dad have some sexual proclivities they are not anxious to tell you about, too. Parents, under the law, have certain rights and responsibilities, including providing you with food, clothing, and a secure environment. However, you are now 23, which is legal age, so they have absolutely NO business butting into your business. Just because you have Asperger's is no excuse to treat you like a child, either.

It should be noted here, though, that online sexual behavior between minors or between a minor and an adult is illegal, both federally and in most states in the United States. You, of course, are from Australia, where it is also illegal, and a penalty of up to two years in prison is possible there. Because of these laws--which are pervasive internationally--it can be dangerous for you to explore sexuality online. This, sorry to say, is particularly true with furry sites because a huge part of the demographic is under 18 years of age. The part where you have to be careful is with any art or real-life photos that show minors (some furries into the babyfur scene have discovered that, sad to say), all of which can be classified as child pornography. Also, doing sexual RP online with someone who is a minor can be construed as breaking the law. This is particularly difficult in the furry world because there are people online who are under 18 who pose as adults when they RP or share art. You must be very very very cautious.

Bottom line: 1) According to your letter, your parents sound pretty cool for the most part; strike up an honest conversation with them about your interest in furries. Tell them you appreciate their interest in your life and their desire to keep you safe, but do insist that you deserve a little privacy when it comes to sex just as you respect their privacy on such matters; 2) keep your regular furry behavior and your sexual interests separate--at least, while you still live with your family; if you save art, keep it on an external drive that you keep in a safe place or in the cloud or somewhere where it is not readily available to someone without a password. You can fave art on your FurAffinity page and keep it from prying eyes by logging out of FA when you go offline and then using your password to get back in. Never share your password with anyone, obviously, even people you think you can trust; 3) and once you have your G furry life separated from your adult furry life, open up more about your furriness to your parents, with an emphasis that there is a HUGE difference between being a furry and one's sex life and that the two are not bound together in the furry community (i.e., furry isn't about sex; it is about furry fun is all). Finally, you're 23. Time to move out of your parents' house and start your own life. You can do it. Mild Asperger's should not hinder you.

It is okay for you to be furry. It is okay to have sexual desires. It is okay if those sexual desires are "unconventional" as long as you are not hurting people (e.g., rape is not okay, child molestation is not okay, but you are not engaging in either of those, so you're cool).

Hope that helps.

Big Bear Hugs,
Papabear

Dear Papabear,

It’s been quite a while since I wrote my first letter, and I never properly thanked you what you’d written me. So, Thank you very much! Your kind words helped me decide to really buckle down. In the year to come, I have chosen to focus my career and school involvement on film. I’m truly excited to see what the future holds for me.

This letter is also focused on the future, or rather, my future with someone. At the start of this year I met a fantastic guy at a furry con. Something struck me about him and inspired me to reach out to him after the convention. The two of us have been talking with each other daily since then, and have met up several times at conventions through the year. On a deeper level we’ve both helped each other through difficult times this past year, the loss of his father, and the animosity I perceived from certain friends. Even more recently we spent a fantastic weekend together; exploring towns, attending a furry pool party, and more.

During that weekend I asked him what he would call us. He expressed that he felt we were very close friends, and followed by asking me if what I felt for him was love.

While holding him in my arms, I told him yes.

It takes me a while to fall in love, He told me the same about himself. He comes from a very strict background and opening up is hard for him. But he wants to open up to me, and he even gave me tips on how to help him with it.

I know that I love him, and knows it too. At every turn he has shown me that it’s okay, and that he truly appreciates my affection. But, he also expressed that he has yet to feel a spark, and seems to genuinely want to.

I want this to be his decision, I don’t want to convince him. I guess my question is, 
Is it okay to want things?

At the close of my last relationship, I asked myself the same question. I keep getting close to why I feel it’s not okay for me to want things; I fear that my selfishness will hurt someone. That if it’s meant to be it will be, and if it’s not…. It still hurts.

I wanted this to be a shorter or a simpler problem than last time.… Anything you think may help will always be appreciated.

Sincerely,
Rillee Satranack

* * *

Dear Rillee,

Glad to hear that you have some exciting things going on in your life. 

Is it okay to want things? Yes and no. On one paw, everyone has wants and desires in life, and feeling guilty about that because you somehow feel selfish or unworthy is something that many misguided people endure.

Let's rephrase your question: Are you worthy of love and happiness? Absolutely, you are. It is not selfish to want to be happy and to have people in our lives to love.

Where we get into problems is when we have clingy, needy, codependent love. Love can be demanding and selfish and one-way. These are unhealthy expressions of love that are often born of low self-esteem and usually end up destroying relationships.

In your case, no, I don't think you are being selfish, clingy, or unreasonable. You are approaching this with caution and creating communication with your love interest that is open and honest. Wonderful!  Great job!

The question now becomes: Will he love you back? There's no way I can answer for him, of course. Clearly, he has affection for you, so that is a solid start. Also, the best and most dependable love relationships begin with good friendships. Blessed are they who find love with their best friends!

My advice to you in this case is just take it slowly. Keep the communication open; keep doing things with him and share good times. Don't push him or nag him to answer the question, "Do you love me back?" For some reason, he might not be ready for that just yet, but that doesn't mean he won't ever be.

This will sound very open-ended and inconclusive, but just enjoy what you have now and see where it goes. Live in the moment. It's fine to let him know what you are feeling, but don't press him. When the moment is right and he decides, he will tell you.

Love is a marathon, not a sprint.

Blessed Be,
Papabear