Write to Papabear

Can One's Personality Abruptly and Radically Change?

7/8/2020

Papabear,

Is it possible for someone to change so suddenly from being a nice, kind and gentle person to being a degenerate piece of shite? Could something like that happen to me? The thought scares me. I know I shouldn't think about it. But my OCD keeps shoving it into my face. I don't want to be a bad person. I don't want to hurt people. I care about my friends and family. I love them. I never want to hurt them. These thoughts are making me break down because I know these thoughts aren't me. I'm just so afraid.

Maxi

* * *

Dear Maxi,

Obsessive-compulsive disorder will, indeed, make you obsess about things that upset you, by definition. Is it possible for someone's personality to change abruptly? Sure, but I see no reason why that would happen to you. People's personalities can change abruptly due to trauma or a medical condition. For example, a brain injury, stroke, or Alzheimer's can do this. Also, tragedy in one's life can change someone a lot (as I know from personal experience), such as the sudden loss of a spouse or child, suffering through combat in the military, or surviving a natural disaster.

But people usually don't change for no reason. You're not going to go walking down the street one day and suddenly turn into a douchebag.

I'm guessing your fear that you will suddenly hurt the people you love stems from your OCD. Therefore, the best solution for you is to work on your condition through therapy and/or medication. I certainly hope you are getting treatment, but, if you aren't, I would highly recommend you do.

In the meantime, I'm confident you will remain a sweet, caring person.

Bear Hugs,
Papabear

Czech Furry Wonders about Furry Job Opportunities in the States

6/28/2020

Hi Papabear!

I don't really know who else to ask this, as not many people listen or respond or don't really know. I'm 16 year old furry from the Czech republic, striving towards being artist.

I'm looking forward to moving to the US when I'm older and I was thinking.. how possible is it to work full-time as an artist/fursuit maker? I don't know how my degree is going to help me because degrees here in Europe work differently. I will leave with woodcarving degree.

I'm more than willing to get a job outside the furry fandom, but being a furry is big part of me and art is one of the only things I genuinely enjoy and value in life. I really want to like my job.

I worry there's already too many artists/fursuit makers, so there's no need for me to do the same thing and provide the same services. And also I'm worried if the fact that I wouldn't have art degree would make a difference. A lot of people say that I'm talented and could already make living off of what I do, but I'm honestly very unsure. I'm afraid there's no possible way to fulfill my dreams. Then, also, I have friends who would gladly help me out.

I'm feeling a little lost about this issue; it keeps me very unmotivated. So, thank you for advance!

Mika Kay (age 16; Czech Republic)

P.S ; I love what you do, its very wholesome to help people like this.

* * *

Dobrý Den, Mika Kay!

In the fandom, you will find that pretty much all fursuit makers and artists are freelancers and do not work for a corporation of any kind. Even the larger, more successful fursuit makers are small operations that aren't, generally, seeking new employees. This is because, unlike many other products, fursuits are pretty much all custom-made to match people's fursonas. Therefore, fursuits are not made on an assembly line, which would make such a business more conducive to becoming larger and hiring more people. Now, there are costume companies (many in Asia) that make standardized costumes, but these are all quite inferior in quality. Yeah, they are cheaper, but they are terrible. Odin Wolf has posted a couple of hilarious videos about counterfeit and fake fursuits from companies like Alibaba (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yP_u3HaFYyM) and even Walmart (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDPX4t-8zdQ). You are not going to get quality from such places, and you do not want to work for them if you have any self-respect.

No, fursuit makers are typically individuals or, sometimes, small family operations, and it is very difficult to make a living at it. Even my maker, Beastcub, who is extremely talented and sells quality (and not inexpensive) fursuits, has trouble getting by (I highly recommend her, by the way, to any of my readers). Similarly, there are not companies that put out tons of furry art like some kind of firm that hires starving artists to paint oils for hotel lobbies. No, artists are freelance individuals, too.

Your concern should not, however, be a fear that there are too many fursuit makers. One can never have too many quality makers in a fandom in which waiting queues for fursuits are typically 6 months to a year or longer. If you're really excellent at making fursuits, then you will find customers. You will, of course, need to advertise your services, which is a whole other subject.

With your background in woodworking, you're going to need to be a freelancer for that, too, unless you want to do something such as architectural carving. This is a really cool field to get into, in my humble opinion, and there are companies you can work for who do it. What this entails is making carvings for things such as corbels, columns, mullions, staircases, brackets, and so on that are used in high-end construction. If I were you, I would look into it. See if companies such as Art for Everyday, Inc. (artforeveryday.com) are hiring (note: most such companies that I've seen are in Canada, not the United States). Another option is making wooden furniture. Again, there are many good Canadian companies (are you dead-set on moving to the United States or might Canada be an option for you?)

Anyway, when it comes to the arts such as painting, fursuit making, and wood carving, most people go freelance and/or open their own small companies rather than work for a large corporation. My recommendation for you would be to research how to start your own small business. If you are asking about U.S. employment because you want to obtain a work visa with employer sponsorship, then, again, I would recommend Canada over the United States, especially in your field of work. If you can find a Canadian firm to sponsor you, this will help you a lot in getting a Canadian visa, and, as I said, there are more opportunities in woodworking in Canada than in the United States. Another way to get a visa, of course, would be to become a student here. That would have more possibilities for you, if you were interested in attending university in the States.

In the meantime, I would recommend that you work on your carvings or fursuit design in the Czech Republic and build your portfolio. You can also start building your reputation in the furry fandom by accepting commissions from Americans. Because of our internet culture, you don't have to live in the United States to sell products here.

I hope this was helpful. Good luck!

Papabear

Don't Let Others Determine Your Fursona Choices

6/27/2020

Dear Papabear,

I know you likely get many questions like this but I've been struggling with making a fursona for a few years now. I've been too many sites and even looked through a few of the articles here about fursonas but nothing seems to help. Also because I love mythology I wanted to have a goblin, troll or similar creature as my "fursona" if it can even be considered a fursona using any of those creatures, but i'm afraid too use them thanks to the negative stigma such creatures have in modern media or the fact they are too "human-like". I even attempted trying to emulate said creatures by using real world animals that look like them. But I honestly don't know what to do at this point.

Thank you in advance,

Ymir

* * *

Hi, Ymir,

I apologize for the lateness of my reply. Okay, so, the subject is fursonas. First of all, don't forget that you don't have to pick just one character. So, my first suggestion is to have two: one that is more furry, and one that is a troll or gargoyle. Now, bear in mind that some gargoyles look more animalistic than others (e.g. Brooklyn looks very animalistic vs. Demona, who looks like a female elf with wings). Trolls, on the other hand, definitely look more human, but they vary widely. Are you talking the cute little trolls from the modern cartoons and movies, or the classic trolls of Norwegian origin that are big, ugly, stupid and eat humans? Either way, I wouldn't regard them as very furry.

Another possibility for you is to participate in more than one fandom. You could certainly go to Comic-Con as a troll or gargoyle, no problem, and then have a fursona to participate in that fandom. If you aren't already doing so, you could try RPing in MMORPGs or board games (WoW, D&D, etc.) The point is, don't limit yourself. You can have multiple fursonas, you can have hybrids, you can have fursuits, and you can cosplay as a troll or a character from anime.

Next point: STOP worrying about "stigmas" and what other people, furry or otherwise, think. This is about YOU and what YOU enjoy. If you just worry about what others are going to say about your fursona, fursuit, costume, or whatever, then you have completely defeated the purpose of the imaginative world of furries and other cosplay and fandom groups. What is the point? The point is to escape reality for a while and just have fun being you and doing what you like.

I think that you will find that once you free yourself of the shackles of outside opinion and judgment, you will quickly decide on a fursona or other character you wish to be.

Good Luck!
Papabear

You Don't Have to Like All the Same Things to Be Happily Mated

6/19/2020

Papabear,

I've been a long time follower of your advice site, and have asked a couple of questions a couple of times. This time I have a little bit of a problem with my current mate. You see both of us are into kink and we've indulged in some things a couple of times, but breakdown in trust and communication on her part made me feel uncomfortable about bringing up things that are part of me.

Example, I was and still am questioning my gender and when I brought it up to her (a trans woman herself) she met it with disinterest and a small trace of hostility.

Example 2, both of us are into gaming, it was something we bonded over. But when I was getting into Warhammer 40K and learning the lore, of course I wanted to share it with her so we could share this too. I was met with a roll of her eyes and sigh with an exasperated "Oh god." Also try to share MtG (Magic the gathering) card game with her but when I'm playing online I'm cut short when I talk strategy to myself, it's the way my brain works.

There's so many more examples of why I don't bring anything up to her anymore or even try to share interests. So you can see my hesitancy to bring up the subject of something so personal as a kink. Just to put it out in the open, I'm into leather and pup play. I think of it as a big part of who I am and I want to explore that side of myself. I was thinking of just buying a pup hood and tail plug just to get it out in the open, like ripping off a band-aid. There would be no hiding it and it would bring up my kink, but there's also the risk of her throwing it away or me having to return it.

Now please don't have a negative view of her, we get along just fine otherwise. I love her and she loves me. We're friendly with each other, game with each other, joke, play around and everything that comes with a relationship. It's just my trust in bringing up things to her is a bit wounded.

What can I do? She's a sub too so I think that would be a problem, but we're poly so I think she would approve of me finding a handler/trainer, in theory.

Anonymous

* * *

Dear Furiend,

Many people believe that when you have a mate you should share all your interests together and do everything together. This is not true. It is okay for a couple to have different interests and explore different sides of themselves while also sharing other things. To be compatible does not mean you have to be clones of each other. In fact, it is better if you are not. Imagine doing everything together and having the exact same interests and activities. What would you talk about at the end of the day? "Hey, this morning I...." "Yeah, I was there, remember? I'm ALWAYS there!"

When I was married to Janet, she was way into crafts, including cross-stitch and quilting. I was never into that stuff myself, but I supported her in her interests, sometimes going shopping with her, but never to a quilting convention (yawn). It was great that she loved that stuff and would go on a trip by herself or with a friend and have some fun outside the marriage. Later, when I was with Jim, his passion was radio broadcasting and sound editing. I learned some of this myself and even, briefly, hosted a radio show on his station. But I was not passionate about it. I supported his love for the radio and did what I could to help. Now I am with Michael. He is into playing the organ and piano. Here, we have a little more in common as I am learning the piano, but really am not all that interested in the organ. I am having his mother's piano refurbished as a present this year.

In return, my spouses and mates have also supported me in my interests. One year, long ago, my wife paid to send me to a writers' conference in Maui. Later, with Jim, he was very supportive of my being a furry, as is Michael. Michael is helping me start my publishing business, even though he is not a publisher or writer himself.

And so, you see? Partnership is about complementing one another, supporting each other in the things that you love and do as hobbies or for a living. You don't have to do everything together. So, let's take your interest in pup play and leather kink. Does your girlfriend have to do these with you for you to enjoy them? No, she does not. Now, that said, she shouldn't be rolling her eyes and being dismissive of you. She might not like such things herself, but if she loves you she should be supportive and encourage you to explore this side of yourself.

You sound like you two have a pretty good relationship. I think, though, that you should talk to her about this and say something to the effect of what I have said above: she doesn't have to like EVERYTHING that you are into, but it hurts you when she looks down at you or judges you for liking things she doesn't like herself. (Is there stuff she likes that you don't? You can use that as an example of what she should do for you).

With patience, love, and understanding, I'm sure you two can work it out, and this whole experience can help you grow closer as a couple.

Hugs,
Papabear

COVID-19 Canceled Her Prom

5/29/2020

Hi Papa Bear,

First of all, I truly want to thank you. Many years ago, when I was 12, I stumbled upon your site and writing to you and reading the archive of letters helped me so much, both in deciding to join the fandom and beginning to understand that I was bisexual and accepting that. In times where I'm at my lowest I still come here and your words always help me.

I'm writing you now to ask for help contextualizing my emotions. For context I am a Senior in High school, and of course like everyone else I've been stuck at home since March 15th.

At first, it seemed there was a light at the end of the tunnel, that I'd see my friends again on April 15th, then May 1st, then finally that light was put out as in person classes were officially cancelled until next school year--which means nothing to me as I'll be in college.

This has all taken a huge toll on my mental health. I already live far from my friends and my boyfriend, and just calling has been a fine substitute until last night.

Yesterday was supposed to be the day of my school's Prom, and originally me and my boyfriend had asked our friend group if we could do a call of some sort and maybe dress up and play some games and music. At first everyone seemed okay with this, but when the night came nobody responded as they all went off to do other things. In that moment, I just broke down. I couldn't stop crying and I felt so foolish because in the grand scheme of things, it's just superficial high school stuff right? But it's more than just Prom. Prom just represents everything that's been taken away from me. So many people I'll never see again, who are staying here or going to a different school, people who may not have been my dearest friends but still meant a lot to me as part of my adolescence. The fact that as President of my school's Drama Club I never got to take my final bows, that I have to choose officers when I didn't get to properly evaluate their skills and leadership ability. Decision Day, our senior trip, competitions, birthdays, the list goes on.

It feels like I'm going to be shipped off to college without any proper resolution of my childhood and I don't know how to deal with it. I'm scared that even when things do go back to normal, It'll all be taken away again. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Nutmeg

* * *

Dear Nutmeg,

I actually do remember you :-) and am grateful that my words have helped you in the past. Let me see if I can help you a little with this problem today. (Being German, I am fond of lists):

My first suggestion was going to be the Alternative Prom, which is something a lot of young people have done such as what these people wrote in Teen Vogue https://www.teenvogue.com/story/alternative-prom. But it seems this is exactly what you tried to do, but your friends didn't show up. That's super disappointing. Did any of your other friends (or your school) try to organize alternatives to prom? If so, I would try and get in on one of those events. Perhaps an online prom?
Recognize that what you are looking for is not so much a prom or other party or ceremony as it is closure. You are seeking a way to properly say goodbye to your teen years and high school as you enter the next phase of your life. There are a couple things you can do to accomplish this. For example, you can record a farewell message and put it on Facebook or TikTok or some other site or app and give a speech about what high school and your peers meant to you and wish them all farewell and, hopefully, continued friendship. On a more familial level, you can perhaps take a little trip with your parents and siblings to celebrate your graduation. Things are starting to open up some, and although I would not suggest a crowded beach or amusement park, perhaps you can find a scenic spot for a picnic or a hiking trail, or just have a small party with pizza and videos at home. Order a celebration cake, blow out candles, and scarf some carbs and sugar.
Acknowledge that you are not the only one going through this. Every high school senior is, as well as those graduating from college. Graduation ceremonies are nice, and it is lovely to get some attention for your accomplishments in school, but, in the end, they are soon over and life goes on. As you already noted, there are people out there with bigger troubles from COVID-19 than the mere cancellation of a ceremony. Over 100,000 Americans have now died from this just in the United States. Those victims and their families are suffering much more than you are, so take a moment and put things in perspective. Be grateful that you and your family are not sick, and count your blessings instead of focusing on your losses.
Related to the above, divert your attention from the past and from graduations and focus your attention on the future. As you get ready for college, there is a LOT for you to do! If you pay attention to that, work on what is ahead, it will draw your attention on something besides the past.
Last-ditch effort: Have a Postponed Prom. Again, perhaps your school is already thinking of this. This is when you still have a prom, but you do it long after the crisis has settled down. It would be somewhat like having a high school reunion, which means it's likely not everyone would show up, but hopefully a lot of people would. It's never too late! Just because one date is impossible doesn't mean another is not.

Life is about phases. Each phase of your life involves saying goodbye to some things and greeting others. You can be of good cheer if you look at the new phases with optimism and hope. I'm reminded of my dear friend Motoko when she had to say farewell to her house and move into senior living apartments. Instead of grieving that she could no longer maintain her home, she looked forward to all the new friends she would make and all the things she would learn from them. You can do the same. Look ahead, not backwards.

Hope this helps you some. Congratulations on graduating, and I wish you luck, success, and happiness!

Papabear

God Is on Your Side, Even If You Are Gay

5/28/2020

Dear Papabear,

I know you probably get this a lot from other furries in/out of the closet, but as a male just learning I am gay, how do I handle the fact I like guys in todays society? How do I deal with the whole "homosexuality is an abomination of God etc?" About a year ago I was baptized as christian, however not sure of my sexuality then. In case you have forgotten, my parents split and I am currently living with dad. I told him I was gay, he was just fine with it, even at one point in an effort to help me with my depression, he suggested getting a boyfriend. (all this was months before codvid-19.)

Mom however is a different story.

Long story short she is very family centered, raised as a Christian. I am pretty sure her opinion on LGBT stuff is she does not think highly of them. One time years ago when I was still questioning, after finding the local LGBT (am I badmouthing my mom as I type this? or is that just my OCD talking? Please answer as a sidenote.) Once I borrowed a book from the local LGBT center and forgot about it in the car. Mom found it and questioned me about it, clearly in a disapproving way. About a week later she told me to read something with her, and it was the bible verse "thou man who laid with a man has committed an abomination." Then she told me if I wanted to be with a guy she will not tolerate it.

So as a Christian, raised with Christian teachings by mom but an accepting dad of my homosexuality, what do I do? How do I accept myself as for who I am, and be happy going forward? Am I obligated to tell my mom? How do I deal with the fear from religion about being gay and it being morally wrong?

Hugs

0.O *realizes the pandamic going around*
*virtual hug*

Nicholas (age 23)

* * *

Dear Nicholas,

As you know, you're writing to a gay bear, so my answer to your questions is likely slanted. First and foremost is this: the only person who needs to accept you is you. The minute you define your value in life by other people's opinions of you, the minute you seek their approval, you will doom yourself to a life of misery and self-doubt. Whether those people are Christians, family, friends, your parents, coworkers, peers, whatever. It doesn't matter one whit what they think. Most of them are wrong, anyway, being misguided by a judgmental society.

As for Christianity.... In my experience, there are good Christians and bad ones. Good Christians accept and love you for who you are. They recognize that no one, including themselves, is perfect, and only God has the right to judge you. Bad Christians are the ones who use the Bible to defend their hate and prejudice. Stay away from them. The God in whom I personally believe is a loving God, not a God seeking to punish me or hurt me. I do not believe in Hell and eternal damnation. I do not believe that God just wants us to constantly grovel and worship Them. I think of it this way: If I were God and was all-powerful, omnipresent, omniscient.... why would I need to be worshipped by tiny little ant beings? I would not have such a pathetic ego that I would need to be constantly validated for something I already know I am. I would not get my jollies off of hurting people. I would want to be kind to them and try to help them. So if I, a tiny little human being, can feel this way, then God, who is infinitely superior to me in every way, must have all these loving, caring qualities to the infinity power.

So, why do Christians, the Church, parents, etc. try to shame you for being who you are? Simply put, it's a power thing. It is the pathetic desire to control you and your life, and also to make themselves feel holier than thou. Oh, they will SAY they are just trying to help you, but don't believe it. The truth is, by being gay and--God forbid--actually enjoying yourself, you will challenge their worldview, and that makes them uncomfortable because it is easier to just accept what you are told to do rather than to think for yourself.

Religious people who abuse and torment LGBTQIA people for something as unimportant as sexual orientation are doing the opposite of what religion should do, which is to love and help human beings. I could go on for pages and pages as to why the Church disapproves of gay people (most of it has to do with keeping people in line and perpetuating generations of tithing loyalists), but I think you get the point.

You are not your sexuality. That is just one aspect of a well-rounded person. Most people define who they are by what they do for a living and their families. You don't hear straight people introducing themselves like this: "Hi, I'm Bill! I'm a heterosexual architect and married man!" No. So, why should we define ourselves for being gay or bi or whatever? We mostly do this because it is not "the norm." Screw the norm. Norm is boring. Being normal is what has caused so much misery, war, and injustice for millennia.

Do not seek out to be normal. Be you. Be different. Contribute something unique to this world. The world needs unique people like you.

And remember, no matter what: God loves you.

Be a good person. If you do that, you are golden.

Hugs,
Papabear

How to Have a Good Fandom Experience

5/19/2020

Hello, PapaBear,

Two very close friends of mine who have been part of this community fro a good while have recommended me to ask you regarding some pointers for starting out in the furry community, as for myself, I am rather new to the world of anthropomorphic animals and the cool, creative ideas that this will conjure up! As for what I decided to do with this field, my fursona is a friendly and wholesome Sun Bear who likes to fish for salmon in the woods and enjoys honey like most bears tend to do, details aside, my question is this: How do I best present myself appropriately in this community so that I may enjoy myself, let people enjoy me as a person and the character I portray, and to better avoid the more unfriendly and toxic side of this community (because as sad as it is, there are people in this world who tend to be unwelcoming and a bad influence to others.) Not to mention, it's very nice to hear some wisdom from a veteran who would know more about this then I would, who just so happens to be a bear as well!

Many thanks in advance,

Tuftrunk

* * *

Dear Bro Bruin,

There is no one way to become an active part of the furry family. Back during its early years, when it was a few anthro fans meeting at sci-fi conventions and sharing APAs, it definitely WAS an isolated community that only a few people could participate in (e.g., you couldn't get a copy of an APA magazine unless you also contributed to it). Today, anyone can join and participate, whether that is in one of the numerous online outlets (Facebook, FurAffinity, Furry Aminos, Discord, Telegram, etc. etc. etc. etc.) or in person at a furmeet or furcon, there is no end to the many opportunities.

As you become more active, make sure your motivations for getting attention are healthy ones. Many times, furries write to me asking me how they can be popular and get attention in the fandom. In other words, they envy popufurs and want to be like them and to have their existence validated. This is incorrect motivation. Don't fall into that trap, for its jaws will consume you.

Addressing your question, "How do I best present myself appropriately in this community so that I may enjoy myself, let people enjoy me as a person and the character I portray, and to better avoid the more unfriendly and toxic side of this community...," the best way to present yourself is to simply be a good furry. Don't be a douchebag and you will inevitably make friends. Look for communities within the fandom that share your interests (e.g., being a bear, you might like to join my Bear Furries group on Facebook).

As for avoiding the "toxic side" of the family, that is all about the company you keep, and that means being a good judge of character, which is how you avoid toxic people in ANY community, not just the fandom. Obviously, stay away from people like the Nazi furs or others who try to make the fandom something political or exclusionary. Avoid people who try to define what furry is (in their favor) and who try to exclude others because "they aren't real furries." Also, avoid furries who only wish to have a hookup with you. These are the ones who will cause you grief.

Fortunately, most furries are kind, friendly, fun, and welcoming. This should be about fun and frolic, not about creating drama. Don't create drama, don't participate in drama (often manufactured by trolls desiring attention), and DO hang with people who simply like movies, TV shows, drawing, playing games, and having a good time. Do this and you, too, will have a good time.

Don't worry about your rep. Don't worry who likes you and who doesn't. Furry is all about being your true self. Be yourself and you will find others who want to be with you to share mutual loves and interests.

Welcome to the fandom!

Bear Hugs,
Papabear

Since There Is a Kinsey Scale, Could There Also Be a Furry Scale?

5/15/2020

Hi Papabear,

I've become a fan the furry fandom since 2015. One of the things that gets me a little 'excited' are anthro males, specifically dragons and canines. I thought that meant that I liked guys. I experimented with some males and while fun, I didn't feel anything. Could it be that I like furry guys instead of real ones?

Anonymous (age 25)

* * *

Dear Furiend,

Could you clarify what you mean by "I didn't feel anything"? Do you mean you didn't get sexually excited or that you didn't fall romantically in love?

Thanks, this will help with my reply.

Papabear

* * *
The first one

* * *

I see. Well, a number of things could be going on: 1) you just weren't with the right guys; 2) you really aren't gay (or bi) but there is just something about anthros that turn you on; 3) you are gay or bi but you were so nervous when playing with those people that it prevented you from relaxing and enjoying it as much as you could have; 4) you are still discovering your sexual preferences and turn-ons, and this is just a stage in an ongoing process.

Any of those seem to hit the mark?

Papabear

* * *

Probably 2,3 and 4

* * *

It can't be both 2 AND 3 LOL. Pick one.

Papabear

* * *

Okay, then two

* * *

Hello, Furiend,

Okay, as long as you're being honest with yourself, good. Remember, sexuality is a spectrum. It is actually rare for someone to be 100% hetero or 100% homosexual. Most lie in between. For example, you might be, say, 10% interested in the male anatomy but 90% more into females.

Using this same reasoning, it could be possible that sexual preference might have a human v animal factor as well. Pardon me while I become fascinated with a question that never really occurred to me before. I mean, yes, I have known about zoophiles, but I always thought a zoophile was a zoophile and not that it could be part of a spectrum that involves anthro characters. In other words, just as there is a Kinsey Scale that puts hetero/homosexuality on a sliding scale, perhaps there is a scale for preference for human/animal attraction. Thus, furries into anthros are somewhere in the middle of the scale. Likewise, it could be possible you are attracted to anthros sexually but not so much to humans.

It becomes more complicated, too, because one would not keep the Kinsey Scale and (let's call it the Furry Scale) separate, but, instead, you would combine the two, creating a scale involving four factors: hetero, homo, animal, human, and any percentage combination of the four factors.

This is all speculative, but you would be an example, then, of someone could be 60% hetero and 70% animal sexuality, or they could be 80% homo and 10% animal sexuality (meaning 20% hetero-leaning and 90% human-leaning).

Fascinating.

It's all part and parcel with the truism that human sexuality is very complicated.

But now you see, too, the problem with overthinking things. Bottom line that I have for you is this: Don't worry about it. Like what you like; don't like what you don't like. You are what you are, and your sexuality is what it is. Remember, as long as you aren't hurting anybody, you should do whatever you like and don't try to label yourself or make your round peg fit in a square hole.

Hope that helps a bit.

Hugs,
Papabear

Improving Yourself Takes Baby Steps

5/13/2020

Papabear,

I was told to take a break from a server I really like because something pretty bad happened because of irrational choices I made when I was upset.

I need to ask … how can I stop feeling scared to keep trying to be a better person? Do you have any advice on how I can easily (???) improve myself and not make those mistakes again? I thought it would be simple, but I feel there may be a catch. The guy who runs the server is very sweet and he understands that I have trouble handling my emotions. He suggested that I take a break for as long as I need to. He also told me that if the server isn’t being good for my mental health, then I should leave for the benefit of my mental health. I just want to be better. But, I’m so unsure.

Anonymous

* * *

Hello, furiend,

I find myself needing breaks, too, from social media such as Facebook. Such places are full of hate, trolls, and bad news that can depress and aggravate even the most sane and kind of us. So, taking a break is not a bad idea at all. Remember that these days, the media thrives on giving us bad, sensationalistic news because it boosts ratings and earns them more money. Consequently, the world looks like a horrible place when it really has both good and bad things going on.

As for improving oneself, I recently saw a neat video on this. It was about a European fellow who had all the signs of becoming a sociopath. He had no joy, no emotion, no empathy for others. If he kept on going that way, he probably would have entered a life of crime, even murder.

How did he escape? Well, unfortunately, it was NOT easy (hon, there is no such thing as easy when it comes to self-improvement, so don't even ask such a question), but it WAS doable.

What he did was take baby steps. Tiny little daily steps to slowly improve himself. He would go on walks, exercise, do small acts of kindness, meditate, enjoy a moment of beauty in nature, do something positive such as clean up his room or get a chore done. Any little, good step would help. Slowly, one percent at a time, bit by bit, his view of his world and himself began to change.

What he discovered, unbeknownst to himself because he had no psychology training, was his own form of behavior modification therapy. Instead of going directly to the brain for a magical cure that would change his way of thinking, he slowly, very slowly, changed his behavior. As his behavior reflected more and more a good attitude about life, eventually he began to HAVE that good attitude, and this, in tern, vastly improved his mental and emotional health to the point where he says his friends no longer recognize him.

This takes years. There is NO magic pill. No magical advice I can give you. You have to be dedicated to changing yourself and you have to be supremely patient with your progress. In a world where everyone expects instant gratification, this is against what most people would like to hear, but if you don't do something like this you will never change.

Hugs,
Papabear

Fursona Development Can Reflect Personal Development

5/12/2020

Hey Papabear! I'm a new reader but I've had a dilemma for awhile that hopefully you can answer. I've been in the fandom for about two years now, and I can't seem to stick with one fursona. I know you've probably answered tons of questions like this, but I've been struggling with this for a long time and it's just so frustrating! I've looked at just about every "how to make a fursona" article that I can find, and I still don't know what to do! The main problem I'm facing is I can't match what I want my fursona's personality to be with a design I like, and I feel like buying an adopt or custom isn't really personal to me. And to top it all off, my design and personality preferences keep changing, so I can never stick to one thing! Any help would be appreciated.

Thank you!

Anonymous (age 13)

* * *

Dear Furiend,

Step 1: Be more bear. I don't mean be a bear literally; I mean, chill. Relax. Don't panic. There is no law you have to pick your fursona right now, and, even if you do, you can always change it later. Or! Another option, have several! No law says you can't have 3 or 6 or 27 or 2,408 fursonas if you choose. Furry is about breaking the rules, not adhering to them.

The likely reason you are having such difficulty is because you are in your developing years still. Your fursona is a reflection of you, and when you haven't figured out who you are yet, your fursona remains malleable. I was the same way as you, in a way, although not quite so drastic. When I was a kid, I was a wolf, probably because I wanted to be part of a pack and have friends (I was a loner). As a teen and young man, I was a dragon, wanting to be beautiful, strong, and fierce. Then, after I discovered (finally) my true sexuality (gay bear), I naturally became a bear, which is where I plan on staying because it fits who I am so well and I am unlikely to change.

For now, don't worry about changing your fursona. Instead of fretting about it, have fun with it! Try lots of different stuff. Experiment. This is actually great because you are opening yourself up to new things. Eventually, you will settle into your own spot, something that will parallel your own personal growth and, hopefully, self-realization and acceptance.

Good Luck!

Hugs,
Papabear

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An excellent article on coming out LGBT to Christian parents.

My Rainbow Ark is a site for and about LGBT furries and religion and how they are not incompatible.

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