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Greetings, Papabear,
I've written to you before on different issues. This time, however, is a lot more serious. Early in the morning on January 7th one of my best friends passed away in a sudden and severe house fire. There is still an active investigation on the scene. She, her mother, and her father are all believed to be dead. The night before, neighbors reported hearing possible gunshots. Her father was not a very good person; me and my friends suspect he caused whatever started the fire. This question doesn't have much to do with the fandom, and I apologize. But how do I go forward from this? I can't focus at school, Grief counselors have been pulling me every week; I feel sick when I eat; and I can't sleep. What do I do? I can't continue normally, and I don't know how to start doing so when every thought is about her. Thank you, Floppy * * * Dear Floppy, This will probably involve more than one correspondence. Firstly, my condolences for your loss. What a tragic thing to happen. I have a couple of questions for you, if you don't mind. First of all, what do you mean you "believe" that your friend and her parents are dead? Were bodies not discovered? Is there a chance she is still alive and simply fled? This happened 9 days ago, so surely their fates should be known by now. Secondly, do you know whether a police investigation is ongoing? And do you have any newspaper or online stories on this incident you could forward to me? Finally, what does "counselors have been pulling me" mean? I'm unfamiliar with the use of "pulling" in that context. Do you mean you have been talking to counselors weekly? At the moment, without these answers, I don't feel I can give you an accurate response, but my first impression is that there are a lot of things hanging in the air unanswered. And one thing that can help you is knowing the answers, which can provide a step going forward towards what they often call "closure." Let's talk some more soon. Bear Hugs, Papabear * * * Greetings, Papabear, My family was directly informed on her passing; however, they have not released the names to the general public, and because we aren't direct relatives, we haven't been given a "for sure" answer about her parents, only her. Its pretty obvious at this point that her parents are gone as well, and anyone close to her has come to this conclusion. We recently had a big snow event in Alabama, and it has slowed down the investigation. Cause of death has not been released to the public, and my mom hasn't been informed on any changes. The investigation is still active/ongoing. Counselors have been taking me out of class in school weekly (sometimes days on end) to question me or just sit with me. Floppy * * * Hi, Floppy, Thank you for the quick reply. I don't know what the counselors have been telling you, but here is my take on it as someone who has also faced the sudden and unexpected loss of someone close to them. 1) As I said previously, it will help you some to know, once the investigation is done, what exactly happened. When someone dies suddenly, it can provoke feelings of anxiety if you don't find answers because we, as humans, want to understand why horrible things happen. It helps us make a little sense of the tragedy and eases our upset. 2) Did you have any unresolved feelings or concerns between you and your friend? Things you wish you had said but now can never say to her? If so, it may help you a lot to write them down in a journal or to express those feelings to someone you trust. It really does help to release those things in actual words and not bottle them up inside. 3) If there is a memorial service and/or funeral, I encourage you to attend. Ceremonies help us to find release through closure as well. 4) You might also have your own private ceremony. Just you and your friend who is now in spirit. Go somewhere private. Take a photo with you of your departed friend. And talk to her one on one. Another ceremony I think is nice is to get a helium balloon from a local store, write a note of goodbye, tie it to the balloon, and release it to Heaven. 5) If you are a religious person, talk to your minister or priest or other spiritual leader. 6) Did you have shared friends? You might get them together and share your memories of your friend together and give each other hugs. 7) Allow yourself to cry. 8) Allow yourself to get angry. 9) Allow yourself to feel depressed. 10) DO NOT listen to people who say things like "Get over it," "When are you going to stop being depressed?" "They are in a better place now" (a horrible thing to tell a grieving person) or other such cliches. There is no time limit on grief. Grieve in your own time and, slowly, you will feel better on your own time schedule, NOT someone else's. I mean, it has been not even 10 days. You're allowed to be sad and to have a hard time focusing on daily activities. THIS IS NORMAL. So don't freak out about it. Remember, having "closure" is not the same as having open-ended grief. When I say "closure" I mean that you have come to terms with the fact that someone is now gone, but you will always carry a little sadness in your heart and that can last for years or even a lifetime, but it will ease over time to a bearable level. 11) Do not neglect your health. Eat normally, get rest, and exercise. Taking care of your body will also help in taking care of your mental and emotional health. The three are tied together. As part of this, do not indulge in drugs, booze, or overeating bad food. My sister dealt with grief with booze and now she is an alcoholic. Not good! 12) Seek an ongoing support group. Don't isolate yourself. Seek comfort in the friends and family who are still with you. Tell them they don't have to give you advice (indeed, people often feel pressured that they have to advise you, and they don't know what to say, which can just make things awkward), just hugs are enough and listening to you. 13) Allow yourself to experience little pleasures in life that cheer you, whatever those might be. Don't feel guilty if you experience moments of joy and pleasure. It's okay. You have me, too. I know what you are going through and you can write me any time, Lily. I hope this helps. Bear Hugs, Papabear
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Dear Furiends,
As Papabear orbits the sun for his 60th time, I'm reflecting on all that has changed since I arrived on this planet in 1965. Here is a summary of life in America and the world at the time I was born . . . When I was born, The Beatles were at their height; Bob Dylan released "Like a Rolling Stone," and The Who released "My Generation"; miniskirts were the rage; Star Trek TOS had not even aired yet, but the pilot, "Where No Man Has Gone Before," was reworked and filmed in the version we know today; Frank Herbert published Dune; The Sound of Music is released, as is A Charlie Brown Christmas; JFK had been dead 2 years; but his presence was still felt in America; NASA had launched Gemini 3, the first multiperson spacecraft, Gemini 4, the first American spacewalk (astronaut Ed White), and Gemini 5, the first manned weeklong mission, Gemini 6 and 7 perform first rendezvous in space, Ranger 8 had scoped out the Moon for landing sites, Mariner 4 flies by Mars to give us our first close-up photos of the Red Planet, and the SNAP-10 became the first nuclear-powered spacecraft; meanwhile, Soviet cosmonaut Alexei Leonov performed the first spacewalk; women still didn't have the right to own a credit card without their husbands name on it, and we were 8 years away from Roe v. Wade still, but the SCOTUS ruled that the banning of contraceptives under Connecticut law was unconstitutional; also 4 years away was Stonewall, and anti-sodomy laws (really, anti-gay laws) were the rule in most states, although in 1961, Illinois had banned such laws, the first state to back off of homosexuality being illegal; in good news, the Voting Rights Act of 1965 had just been passed; Johnson signs the Social Security Act of 1965, which established Medicare and Medicaid for the first time; but Vietnam was an escalating nightmare, and the U.S. was criticized by the international community for using chemical weapons against the Vietcong; Muhammad Ali successfully argued against being drafted on the principle that he was a pacifist (kudos!); Johnson makes burning your draft card a crime punishable by 5 years in prison (the draft doesn't end until 1973); the Watts Riots cause civil unrest in the country for a week; President Johnson signed the Nationality and Immigration Act of 1965, which basically removed the restriction placed on allowing immigrants from entering the country from certain places, especially Asians and eastern and southern Europeans; Johnson also signs Executive Order 11246, banning employment discrimination based on race; he also signs the Motor Vehicle Air Pollution Control Act, the first federal law controlling car emissions; an 8.7 earthquake had devastated Alaska, and a 7.4 earthquake killed 500 people in Chile; Canada--get this!--had just adopted its maple leaf flag! The Cold War was getting nightmarish, with the USSR testing a nuclear weapon in Kazakhstan; in Alabama, Governor "Dickhead" Wallace, in his efforts to stop Dr. King's Selma to Montgomery march, approved what became Bloody Sunday, with cops beating the marchers with clubs and whips until they finally forced them to stop at the Edmund Pettus Bridge; in the tech and science world, the first magnetic video tape recorder to be commercially available to the public, the Ampex VRX-1000, was released; Arno Penzias and Robert Wilson at Bell Labs discovered cosmic microwave background radiation, solid evidence supporting the Big Bang Theory; the first portable defibrillator is used in Belfast; the first all-news channel, WINS 1010AM in New York, began broadcasting, and The Today Show became the first TV program broadcast via satellite; the first computer dating service is debuted by a joint MIT/Harvard University venture (so blame them); the first pushbutton telephone had come out only 2 years ago, and the first video game, Pong, would not come out by Atari until 1971. As you can see, life was very different. We made a lot of progress since the 1960s, but now much of that progress is being threatened by those who resent the strides in civil rights we have made. I often get nostalgic for the 60s and 70s, but as you can see, there was a lot of stuff that was not so great during those years, years that those born in the 21st century would feel like a totally different reality. The Trump Administration and Republicans want to take us back to a time before women's rights, immigration rights, LGBTQ rights, and more. As much as there was some cool stuff back in the 60s, such as with the music scene, I do not want to see 60 years of progress erased. Profound changes seem on the nearby horizon. Powerful countries like Russia and China appear to be imploding under the weight of their own corruption, but if we are not careful, the USA might follow their lead. While all this is going down, the furry community needs to stick together more than ever. We will inevitably find ourselves targets of the hate as part of the culture wars that the Republicans are waging to distract Americans from the fact that the rich are robbing the middle class into extinction. To help support the furry community, I have started a new group called Furries for Freedom. At the moment, it is only a Facebook group, but I will be starting a website soon and spreading to other social media. Our goal is to support the furry community, educate them on their rights, report on news related to our freedoms and rights, and to in general be there for those who need friends. Together, we can make it through this. Bear Hugs, Papabear  Dear Furiends,
To all of those who will be spending their holidays and New Year with friends and family, you are blessed, and I wish you a wonderful Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Yule or whatever occasion you enjoy. But this message is for all of those who are lonely, sick, depressed, or broke this year. Papabear understands. This is a rough year for many, including me. I lost my sister and a good friend this year; I lost my dog, Ernie, last year. And it's hard to celebrate New Year's knowing that an insane, senile, narcissistic dictator will sit in the White House AGAIN in 2025. Anger and hostility and rabid nationalism are on the rise in America (encouraged and enflamed by the Orange Cancer), and it will affect the furry community in a bad way, guaranteed (which is why it pisses this bear off when furries attack their own fandom; we have enough trouble with the normies and don't need you to add to it). These are troubling times. Frankly, if you are succumbing to despair, I feel for you. To be honest, Christmas brings this bear little joy anymore. I sent out dozens of Christmas cards this year (as I do every year), and do you know how many I got? Five. And one of those was from my insurance guy. My sister has succumbed to alcoholism and has become a TERF, a hater, like so many in this country, and she has cut me out of her life and won't even talk to me. I also lost my dear friend, Dineegla Moose, just as he was getting ready to attend MFF, and earlier this year, we all lost Mark Merlino, a key founder of this fandom if not the man singly most responsible for its existence. I have decorated, and cooked, and spent a buttload of money on gifts as I do every Christmas, but there is little joy in it for me, I confess, and certainly no return on my efforts except for one gift under the tree from my hubby (the last person in my life who is really in my life), and I already know what it is ... so ... no surprises (but that's okay, my love). I'm feeling a lot of empathy for Ebenezer Scrooge, honestly. I miss the joy of my childhood Christmases so much that my heart aches, a past filled with family and cheesy Christmas decorations and cat and dog companions; a holiday of claymation TV shows and saccharine holiday specials; a time when I wasn't worried about inflation and my withering income's inability to meet expenses and global warming. If you're like me, you probably sometimes fantasize about giving Christmas the middle finger right up Santa's butthole. But here's the thing, my dear troubled readers. The world needs you not to give up. Because if we all give in to the dark monster of despair, we will never recover from this downward spiral we are currently in. This is why I still do what I do. It is why I continue this column; it is why I work on my Facebook groups for Greymuzzles and Silvermuzzles; it is why I run the Good Furry Awards; it is why I get up each morning and take care of my 76-year-old husbear and all his needs. That's what Santa does. He doesn't do his worldwide labors for plaudits and rewards. He does it because the world needs a little joy and wonder. So, I am asking all of you: Be like Santa. I know it's hard, but we need to step up when no one else will and keep the light on and the flames glowing and the noms baking in the oven. Because if we don't do it, who will? I'm not asking you to spend money and wrap a bunch of gifts. I'm asking you to be a good friend to others, whether these are family members or coworkers or classmates or dear pets. Give people hugs. Be polite to others. Give a parking spot in a crowded lot to someone else. Give someone a compliment on their appearance or something they have done. Tell a joke to lighten the mood. Share your cookies. Every little thing counts. Recently, I watched the movie Red One. If you haven't seen it, the center of the story is that Santa's chief ELF worker, Callum Drift (played by the endearing Dwayne Johnson) feels like retiring after about five centuries of service because all the humans around him seem petty and selfish and without Christmas spirit. Santa is then kidnapped by the Christmas Witch, Grýla (a figure from Icelandic folklore, in case you wondered), who believes, like Krampus, that the world would be a better place if all the nasty humans were punished instead of being given joy as Santa believes. Long story short, she is defeated (not a spoiler; it's a Christmas movie), and Callum regains his spirit of Christmas. A key to the defeat of the witch is Santa commanding his reindeer with the single word: KAVALAME! What the heck does kavalame mean? This is not really explained in the movie, but the word is a very clever device by the writers. Interestingly, it is not from Norse mythology (much of Christmas lore has northern European roots) but from Greek. Kavala was an important city in ancient Greece, and St. Nicholas was of Greek descent. More on point, though, is kavalame's connection to the Sanskrit word kavalam, meaning "only" and key to the phrase baba nam kavalam, meaning "only the name of the beloved," or more poignantly, "love is all there is." Or, as the Beatles sang, "All you need is love." Love defeats the nasties out there like Grýla and Krampus. For Christmas, dear readers, that is my gift to you: Love. I am entrusting it to you because it is a precious gift. It is also a magical gift because you can give it to others over and over and, like Willie Wonka's everlasting gobstopper, it never runs out. Because in the end, despite the crass commercialism of modern Christmas, the hordes of Christmas shoppers clogging the roads and malls, the political turmoil, the social unrest spread by the Convicted Felon Doofus "President," the wars and pollution and hate that seems all around us, there is one thing they can never steal from you, and that is the love in your heart. I love you furs. And I love this fandom. And as long as I have breath in my lungs and blood in my veins, I will be here for you if you need me. Yours in Bear Spirit, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I'm probably not the sort of fur you usually get questions from, but I'm hoping you can give me a little advice. Soon both of my parents will be gone. Dad passed five years ago and mom just entered hospice. They both were mentally and physically abusive, something they never admitted or attempted to make right. It's taken me decades to process and overcome the abuse. My brother never did and I've witnessed him exhibit some of the same abusive behaviors with his own children. Over the Thanksgiving holiday my brother mentioned that he was alone. He's divorced, in awful health, and more or less estranged from his two kids. He seemed to be asking for help and, being a helpful fox I want to do something... but can and should I? I'm thinking of laying it out on the table for him... telling him he needs to seek counseling, he needs to hear and accept his children's feelings, and most of all change. But am I rushing in where foxes shouldn't tread? I've mostly dealt with my demons, am I opening old wounds when I can't really do any good? Yours, Foxfire * * * Dear Foxfire, Thank you for your intriguing email. I am not unfamiliar with situations like your own in which an estranged family member tries to make their way back into your life. The first question you must ask yourself is this: Are they only doing this because they need money or to otherwise take advantage of you, or are they sincerely reconnecting? For example, someone close to me has a son who cut off ties because his father came out as gay, but this son occasionally contacts him--not because he misses him, but because he wants to hit him up for money. How touching. On the other paw . . . It is an unfortunate truth that oftentimes a victim of childhood abuse like your brother will, when they become parents themselves, abuse their children in turn. I believe the statistic is about one-third become abusers. You didn't, but your brother did. Unlike your brother, you did the homework to deal with the psychological scars head on. As you know, that is a lot of work and takes a lot of time. Your brother, though, did not deal with his feelings, and so, as is often the case with people who don't deal with their emotions, those negative feelings have to come out, and they can do so in violent ways. My sister did something similar. She was raped by our grandfather when she was a girl and never really dealt with it, so she became an alcoholic and a very angry person instead. Because your brother did not deal with his issues, it has cost him his wife, his children, and his health. Now he has hit bottom. What is actually a promising sign, however, is that he is now reaching out to you for help. As long as the warning signs I mentioned above (asking for money and so forth) don't come out, I think you would be a good brother to offer him a shoulder to lean on. You don't have to go way out of your way to do this. Just listen, give him a sympathetic ear. Maybe see if you can help him find a good counselor, because you are right: What he really needs is some good, solid, professional guidance on the one hand and a bit of emotional help (you) on the other. Obviously, this doesn't mean you are "taking his side" or condoning what he did to his kids. I'm thinking a heart-to-heart between you two will show that, deep down, he knows what he did was wrong, and there is a good chance he really doesn't understand why he did it. He just knew he was in pain and he didn't know how to handle it in a healthy way. A good place to start is the website Help for Adult Victims of Child Abuse. Perhaps, if you have not done so yourself — and even though you seem to be coping pretty well — you could benefit from looking this over, too. Maybe do so before you talk to your brother. To answer your question, then: Yes, be there for your brother if you can. More than almost anyone in the world, you will understand him because you grew up in the same household. Don't be preachy or pushy. Just start by telling him he can talk to you, and you will listen. Then, perhaps go on this journey together of talking to counselors. Even though you are okay (it seems, mostly), if you do this together that will be of IMMENSE help to your brother — and bless you for doing so. This is a bit of a tricky road, though. Make sure he doesn't take advantage of you but do be there for him emotionally. Do you think you can manage that? It is okay if you feel like, emotionally, you are not up for a task that can be a pretty hefty burden, so don't feel guilty if you honestly don't think so. But if you do, that would be a terrific thing to do. Let me know if the above helps or you have more questions. Bear Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
Some months back, Soatok published this article on the explosive growth of the Fandom. What are your thoughts on it, and the discussion surrounding it? Can we fight these problems? How? Is it too late? Boyesh * * * Dear Boyesh, Thank you for your email and sorry for the slow reply! An interesting and timely question, and thank you for asking. The fandom is, indeed, growing by leaps and bounds, and a number of furcons have extremely high attendance rates. However, as much as I like Soatok, I think they are spazzing out a bit. Yes, Midwest Furfest had over 15,000 attendees, but compared to Comic-Con in San Diego, which had about 135,000 fans this year, it's peanuts. New York's Comic-Con had even more at 200,000 attendees in 2022. You don't see people giving up on comic-cons, do you? So why would they give up on furcons that have a tenth of the attendance? Instead of treating attendance as if it were a problem, we should treat it as an opportunity. There are many things that can be done. One of these has already been deployed by Anthrocon in Pittsburgh. Uncle Kage recently announced that in 2025 they are going to cap attendance to keep the crowds at a safe level (respective of such things as fire regulations, hotel considerations, and general enjoyment of the attendees). Other large cons such as Midwest Furfest and Furry Weekend Atlanta might follow the same strategy in the near future, I would surmise. Although, on the other paw, maybe they will just grow into furry versions of Comic-Con. This doesn't mean that furries are out of luck in attending furcons. There are lots of smaller cons, and new cons are being created. For example, in Southern California where this bear is from, when Califur shut its doors, it was soon replaced by Golden State Furcon in Los Angeles and, this year, Another Furry Con debuted in Ontario (California, not Canada). Up in the Bay Area, when Further Confusion started getting large, we saw overflow go to PAWCon. The same thing can easily happen in states like Pennsylvania. Satellite cons could open up to welcome furries who could not, for whatever reason, make AC. The headline of Soatok's article ("Furries Are Losing the Battle Against Scale") is self-defeating and presumptuous. What are our options here? Well, one option would be to see the number of furries decline, risking what happened to the Bronies when their convention closed and now they have no cons. Second option is things stay the same, which isn't likely but would mean we'd go along as we are, which isn't so bad. And Option 3 is that we continue to grow, which is a testimony to the success and popularity of the furry fandom and should be celebrated, not mourned. Soatok notes that furry attendance at cons and meets etc. is growing at about 10% annually, which means it will double in 7 years. They then compare this to the 0.8% growth of overall world population, concluding that furry growth is unsustainable. Soatok then predicts that: 1) Furcons will become accessible only to tech-savvy and wealthy furries; attendance costs will rise; hotels will become too crowded; and furries will get stressed and start fighting with each other. First of all, chill out. Of the over 100 furcons going on these days, only 7 have attendance rates exceeding 5,000 while over half have attendance rates under 1,000. Yes, a few cons are over-attended, a hazard of being a popular and well-run convention. Most still have plenty of room to grow. Soatok says that convention growth (in terms of total hotel rooms) is flat and that we will therefore get crushed under a flood of furries swarming to conventions. I beg to differ. In a very helpful article on the Fang, Feather, & Fin website from 2022, Gale Frostbane notes that there were 11 conventions in the 1990s, 52 in the 2000s, 138 in the 2010s. This seems to be leveling off now, true, but there are two big reasons: 1) The COVID-19 pandemic, and 2) the rise of virtual conventions such as Furality (which had over 21,000 attendees this year). But just because furcon space is a bit stagnant at the moment does not mean it always will be. This is, I believe, a blip. An adjustment. Things will happen to cause more furcons to open, older ones to diversify and adjust, and alternatives to cons (such as furmeets and parties and camps) to make themselves available. Already things are happening that indicate Soatok is jumping the gun on offering dire warnings of impending doom. Hotels and convention centers, for example, will not permit attendance to get so huge that no one can get on an elevator or walk through a hallway because they will be crushed by stampeding footpads. As Uncle Kage and the AC staff wisely decided, there will need to be caps similar to what they do with Comic-Con. The idea that cons will only be accessible to tech savvy and wealthier furries is a rather silly point. Most furries are tech savvy already, and there are ways to get around money issues in attending cons to make them more affordable. As for furries fighting among each other, well, I gotta laugh. We already fight with each other about silly things, and we already have issues that divide us, such as the young furs vs. greymuzzle disputes or arguments about whether we should permit furporn or do you have to have a fursona or a fursuit to be furry and on and on. If the furry fandom is going to survive, it has to grow. And as it grows, it has to evolve. It is already hugely different from when I first started getting active in the 2000s, and it will be hugely different 20 years from now compared to what it is today. Because there is no organizing force behind our fandom like there is behind other fandoms (e.g. Whovians, Potterheads, Trekkers), one should expect it to be a raging mess of chaos. That can be seen as a weakness or it could be valued as a strength. My advice? If you really really want to go to a large convention, book as early as you possibly can and/or find a friend who has been before and ask if you can room with them. But remember there are dozens of furcons that are much smaller and manageable in size. You can have a wonderful experience at conventions that have, say, 500 to 1,500 attendees. You know, I have never been to San Diego's Comic-Con, and I have absolutely no desire to. I despise crowds. So, instead, I went to the tiny Palm Springs Comic-Con and had a super time! You can also attend furmeets or camps or virtual cons. If there is nothing in your area but there are furries nearby, start your own meetup! What's to stop you? We are going through growing pains. But while Soatok is correct in noting that we have some rough waters ahead, they are incorrect to start fearmongering and make furries feel that the future of furcons is bleak. It is not. It's just different, that's all. The future of the fandom will continue to see conventions of all shapes and sizes. I hope that answers your question. Bear Hugs! Papabear I am saddened that the majority of Americans prefer a white man with a record of tax evasion, molestation, fraud, criminality, and disloyalty to American ideals over a woman who is ethnic and has a clean record as an upstanding citizen. I anticipate there will be a lot of unpleasant days ahead of us, especially for women, LGBTQIA people, immigrants, and anyone else who is not a white male fake Christian in America.
If the results of this election are causing you stress, I understand 100%. If you want to talk about it, please feel free to write me any time and your letter will go to the top of my pile when it comes to this issue. Now more than ever, we furries need to stand together. Dear Papabear,
I've been in the furry fandom for over a year, and I've been enjoying my time here. I've made so many friends and even met the love of my life. But there are times where I develop imposter syndrome. Like I feel like I don't deserve the friends and the awesome memories I made in the fandom. People tell me otherwise, but I feel like I genuinely have a hard time proving myself that I belong sometimes. Especially for the fact I don't own a fursuit or that I'm not an artist. Yet I still have people who love me, even outside the fandom too. I was wondering if this feeling is normal in the furry fandom and what are some good ways to remind myself that I do matter. Thank you. Sincerely, An anonymous Saint Bernard P.S. I love your fursona and fursuit so much. It's so awesome and adorable. Genuinely wanna give ya a hug. * * * Dear Saint Bernard, Thank you for your letter and the compliment :-3 First off, it must be emphasized that you do not need to have a fursuit to be an active and beloved member of the fandom; nor do you need to be an artist or a gamer or a writer or even have a fursona. The baseline here is simple: Do you love the anthro arts? This includes movies, TV shows, comic books, novels, furry RPGs, and so on. If you answered "yes," then you're a furry fan. The confusion is common. You see, there are really two types of furries: hobbyists and lifestylers. Hobbyists are those who enjoy the anthro arts but do not get into the self-identity side of it, which involves everything from having furriness engulf everything in your life (i.e., e.g. you have furry art and plushies and fursuit stuff all over your home (sometimes called being "furry trash"), furry stickers plaster your car, you often wear a tail or ears in public places, etc.) to actually feeling like you have an animal spirit or that your fursona is in some way really who you are (the far spectrum of this bleeds into the therian and otherkin communities). The hobbyist is much more caszh about the fandom. They like to go to cons or meets, sure, and they may have a fursona for playing games with their friends, but they fully identify as human and spend the majority of their time as such among their normie friends. I, personally (not that you asked), am somewhere in between. You can find furry art hanging in my office, I will be suiting for normie trick or treaters this week, and I do feel I have a spiritual connection to bears, but for the most part I seem pretty normie when I'm not at a furcon. Given the above, you are not an imposter. So, why do you feel like one? It might surprise you that the majority of young Americans (70% by one study) say that they have experienced imposter syndrome at least once in their lives. I have often experienced it too, and the result is usually my berating myself as insufficient in some way, and sometimes people misinterpret my anxiety to false modesty. For example, people sometimes compliment my intelligence, but then I say to myself I really am not that bright; I just have a bachelor's degree; I only speak one language fluently; I have never won an important award or grant or recognition yadda yadda. The result is that my negative feelings about myself are roadblocks to my moving ahead with my life at times. This kind of lack of self-esteem can usually be traced back to our childhoods, especially to those who had either very controlling or very protective and permissive parents. If you have been bullied or socially ostracized as a young person, this can certainly contribute to imposter syndrome when you later achieve great things in your life but a voice in the back of your head keeps telling you that you don't deserve it. My furiend, everyone deserves friendships and respect and love and happiness. And when it comes to the furry family, well, you have landed in a community to which many people who feel like social outcasts are drawn. I think you will (or have already) found people much like yourself who are shy, lack self-confidence or self-esteem, or just feel attracted to the fandom and are blown away by some of the popular furries in it and don't feel like they themselves measure up. Again, I do this too. When I first started getting active in the fandom around 15 years ago, and I saw some awesome artists and writers and musicians and fursuiters (and community leaders like Uncle Kage), I was like, "Okay ... um.... I'll just sit in the corner here and watch and not try to annoy anyone." But the more people I interacted with and the more friends I made, the more I felt like everything was cool here and I began to relax and really enjoy the community. To sum up: 1) no fursuit or artistic skills needed; 2) yes, it is quite normal at first, especially, to feel like you are an imposter; 3) with time, that feeling will ease as you make friends, find your crew, and have more fun being furry. Some techniques to assuage your feelings? 1) don't compare yourself to other furries; there will always be furries who seem more accomplished or whatever; who cares, just do you; 2) try to catch yourself when you say things that put yourself down; when you feel yourself saying things like "I'm not good enough to ... " just stop, pause, and replace that thought with something positive about yourself (e.g., I'm a good friend; I am good company to hang out with; I'm a giving person; I am helpful, etc.); 3) socialize socialize socialize, and by this I mean talk about your feelings with others (you'll find you share much in common) and be supportive of them; find people to lean on and let them lean right back on you; 4) and a great way to feel you contribute is by volunteering at a furcon or getting involved in some furcon charity activity such as the ALS Foundation fundraiser in which many furries have become involved (I can get you in touch with people if this interests you). I'd also like to share a very excellent article from VeryWellMind that talks all about this stuff in detail. It's like a 5-minute read. And don't worry! You're doing great! You've already found a support network, and I know that the more you get involved with furries the more comfortable you will become in the community. Don't forget to have fun! That's what it's supposed to be all about!!! Big Bear Hugs, Papabear Hello, Papabear,
Hey there! I’ve been looking for an answer to my question and wanted to hear your opinion. Due to mental issues, I struggled for a while to design a fursona I was happy with. However, recently I did just that! (A goat fursona) But I recently came across another fursona whose design looks similar to mine. I’m talking about similar markings, color palette and same species. Goat, brown and tans for main body color and markings, and different shades of blue for horns, eyes, and hoofs. My fursona isn't an exact replica, but still… Due to the person being rather popular, I fear I shouldn’t keep my fursona or commission a fursuit of them when I have enough money. I’m scared of people bashing me for this or being compared, when in reality I had no idea this fursona existed till after I made mine. Do you have any advice? Anonymous * * * Dear Furiend, Thank you for your letter, which brings up an important topic in the fandom. Several points can be made here. The first one is that there is quite a bit of overlap in the fursona world. For example, the single most popular type of fursona is a wolf and/or husky (or similar dog breed) with simple color variations and other minor details. Now, goats are a bit more unique than canids, but a quick look on Furtrack brings up these results for goats with brown or tan markings: Alexcapranor (📸 @nauta) Gideon klaus (📸 @oracle_sage) Baltic berlin (📸 @bluegold1026) Kurobatte (📸 @hexyc) Thomasin (📸 @troy_grudin) Bashfulbeeps (📸 @alleythewoof) Dirtt goat (📸 @vencrypt) Mckinley (📸 @linglingfennec) Meelo (📸 @adelair) Chamsz (chamois goat-antelope) (📸 @andromedus) Cedar goat (📸 @thunder_orca) ... and that is just a very cursory, down-and-dirty, incomprehensive search. I'm sure I could find many more, but I think you get the point. There is a difference between just having the same species with some similar colors and really looking the same. Just by having your fursona drawn by a different artist or having a different maker for a fursuit, you are pretty much guaranteed to have a different look for your particular OC. Truly, you would only get in dangerous waters if your fursona had the same name or you pretended to be the other person (such as hacking into or spoofing their account). Another issue would be if your fursona was based on a regulated, closed (or semi-closed) species (e.g. Dutch Angel Dragons), which is a unique species said to be an original concept owned by its creator. Closed species have definitive anatomical and physiological attributes and usually their own lore (back story). A semi-closed species has certain required aspects to it but provides more leeway for adding your own spin. In both cases, you are supposed to get permission from the creator to use the closed species (or the aspects of the semi-closed species). Violating such guidelines and avoiding permission approval will likely get you on a blacklist. But, here's the thing: as far as I know, the concept of a closed species is not a legal thing. That is, they more than likely are not copyrighted or have a registered trademark. THAT said, some of the more famous one (returning to DADs) are copyrighted. Deanna Biesemeyer, who created the Dutch Angel Dragon, did in fact go to the trouble of copyrighting their creation, so you do, in fact, need their permission if you want to be a DAD. Protogens and primagens, to give another popular example, used to be closed species, I believe, and they have definite characteristics and lores, but both are now open species (I think primagens might always have been such but protogens did not become open until 2017). Sorry for the digression, but it is important. And I note the above because having a brown and tan goat is definitely not an example of a closed or even semi-closed species. Given all of the above, I would not worry if I were you that there are some similarities between your OC and that of another furry. I would mildly suggest, though, that you take at least a little time to add some of your own unique, personal touches. Not so much for worry about being repetitive but more for the satisfaction and fun of it. This includes lore. For example, Grubbs Grizzly was born somewhere on the Aleutian Islands, but he got a little tired of the cold weather and decided one day to go south, ending up in California. He decided he liked it here, so he moved into the Sierras permanently, built a little cabin, and now spends his days fishing and foraging for food and just being a low-key bear. Bottom line: Have fun with it! So many furries fret about stuff like this and forget that being a furry is supposed to be fun. Y'all are fine. And I hope that answers your question. Bear Hugs, Papabear Hello, Papabear,
I want to ask questions. I flunked that fandom accidentally in childhood when I was been young via rather porn website e621.net. Been in denial for a long time until I am not accepted furry fandom in current age. My parents strictly hate furries due to their thought that all furries are creeps and perverts. However, I am grown adult already and want to watch whatever I want but I can’t do it while my parents near. I want to feel freedom, but I can’t. Also I love that website and your sona. What should I do? I tried to convince my parents that not all furries like this, but they still think like that. Николай Плац (age 24, Russia) * * * Dear Nikolay, From what I've heard, being a furry in Russia is not easy. The culture there is extremely hostile to our people. There was once a furcon there called Rusfurence in Moscow that I believe ran from 2013 to just before COVID-19 kicked in (it might have died from the plague and never got resurrected), but politicians in your country have always been openly hostile to furries. For example, I understand that the government has apparently blocked furry websites from being accessed in Russia (although you said you have access to e621, so maybe that is exaggerated). Also, there has been a movement among some politicians to make furries and related cultures such as therians against the law (although nothing has become illegal as yet). In a story that just came out today on MSN ("Russian Senator Pushes for Ban on Controversial Furry Culture" by Weronika Paliczka), a senator named Natalia Kosichina declared that being furry (she is targeting therians doing quadrobics in particular) is unhealthy and somehow "dangerous" to the community. She never explains why. Just a fear of things that are different, I'm sure, because the senator asserted that therians should be forced to play conventional sports to make them "healthy." Anyway, in your particular case, your parents don't approve. This is common, even in America. In my experience, there really isn't much point in trying to sway their opinions toward the fandom because they see you as a child (even though you are 24) and likely won't respect your opinion on this matter. My suggestion to you is that, at 24, you should move out of your parents' house and go make a life on your own where you can be yourself. Now, the problem with that suggestion is that I do not know your financial situation, and politics and the economy right now in Russia is unsettled, to say the least. It might not be possible at the moment for you to leave, but I would make plans to do so as soon as you are able. In your mid-20s, you need to go out and make your own way. But even if you do so, it is still rough being where you are. If there is any way you can network with nearby furries that would be a help to you for sure. You only note that you are in Russia (a big big place), but if you are lucky and live in or near Moscow, there is a furry group there. Last I heard in an article in Dogpatch Press, they were still organizing events two years ago and hopefully still do so today. Apparently, these Muscovite furries found each other on the Russian social network VKontakte, so perhaps you can locate some furries on that social site, too. To summarize, it is likely a wasted effort to sway your parents. More productive would be to try to improve your position as an adult and individual, move out, and seek interaction with furries in your area by using whatever means are available to you. Good Luck! Papabear Papabear,
I find it really hard to connect with people in the fandom, I moved to a place where i hoped it be easier for me to make fandom friends but it seems like conversation just die out and i have been unable to make meaningful connections. I went to my first meetups this year and every time it feels like im just wandering about, It doesn't help that im a very introverted and anxious person. How do people make so many friends that it always seems like they are chatting with someone during cons/meetups? Anonymous (age 31) * * * Dear Furiend, Yes, breaking down that wall can be a challenge, especially if you are a shy person. It can be harder for older furries over 30, too, because so many in the fandom are in their teens and twenties. The people you see at conventions clustered in little groups likely were friends before they got there. It truly is much more fun to go to a con or a meet if you already know people and can hang out with them. Some of my best memories are going to the now-defunct Califur with my friend Cyberbear and others. When walking into an environment filled with people you don't know, you need something to "break the ice." To do this, you can't be shy. You know how uncomfortable it can be to see a nervous person on stage trying to talk in front of an audience and they make mistakes and their hands shake and their voice quavers? People have a hard time watching that. The same goes for crowds of people at parties. If you look at your shoes, hem and haw, sound nervous, etc., people will be uncomfortable and, though they might be polite to you, they will want to move away from you. So, you really do need to be confident in yourself. It should, hopefully, help that you're in a room with a lot of people who share your interests, which brings me to the next point: Finding something in common and using that to start a conversation. It helps that all these people at a convention or meet are literally wearing their personalities on the outside. Whether it is a fursuit or a shirt with logos of a favorite band or TV show, you can easily spot what they like. You can start conversations with things like, "I love your fursuit! Did you make it or is it a commission? etc. etc." If they are wearing, say, a Star Trek shirt, you can say you're a Trekker and strike up a conversation that way. It is important that, when doing this, you try not to dominate the conversation. Ask a lot of questions and show an interest in them as a person. Oh, you can also maybe draw people to you based on what you are wearing. The same applies if you are observing an activity. Most cons or other gatherings have game rooms. If you enjoy gaming, you can certainly see if you can join in on a board or card or video game with others. Once you get your foot in the door, keep asking questions and talking and see where the conversation goes. Let it wander from topic to topic and don't try to control the conversation. If things go well, see if you can't invite them to join you for some noms or accompany you to a party room. Remember, most people love to talk about themselves. Be a good listener. As for overcoming anxiety in the first place, before you approach someone, try taking a few deep, cleansing breaths. Try to find people who look promising that they would share some commonalities with you. Rehearse a little in your head how you will introduce yourself. Also, especially at cons, there are often forums and talks involving special interest groups such as a meet for railroading aficionados or TikTok video makers or Kimba the White Lion fans or whatever. Check out the furcon program and see if you can find something suitable for you and participate! Since you are 31, you are of age to join my Facebook Greymuzzle group if you like. Just go here https://www.facebook.com/groups/greymuzzles and you will see over 4,000 furries in your age group. Let me know if you have further question. Good Luck! Papabear |
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An excellent article on coming out LGBT to Christian parents.
A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.
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