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Papabear,
So, this is gonna be a bit of a long one but I need some guidance because I don't know where else to go. Recently, I left the furry community due to feeling I didn't fit in it no more. I was in a depressed state. I lost people that brought me out of my shell and got me to do art again, and the people that were still there for me stopped helping me as they didn't know what else to do. To provide context, I was with a group of people that inspired me to draw again - and I happened to piss them off doing an RP. I tried doing art for them as a way of saying sorry, and after that I was gonna leave them alone, but it backfired hard in my face and got me chewed out by a few of them. When I talked to this other group of friends, one of them exhausted his options to help me get over it, and the rest just stayed silent no matter how much I reached out. And it got to a point where I didn't want to stick around anymore. I couldn't handle the weight of the pain I felt. I got tired of dealing with it, and there was nothing else I could do to help alleviate the pressure of it all. Today, I am getting help and taking steps to keep myself on the up and up. But every now and again I keep thinking about those people I RP'd [with] and I've been trying to forget them so I don't hurt anymore. The question I have is: How do I come to terms with this whole thing, even though I've accepted that I'll never see them again? * * * Dear Furiend, Apologies for the slow reply. I'll start by giving you kudos for getting help, which I interpret to mean some professional counseling, an excellent step to take. Since you only provide generalities here without explaining details as to what you did, exactly, to upset your friends so much, I will reply with some generalized words of advice. As much as we want to be furry, let's face it: we're human. And being human means we can make mistakes, and sometimes those mistakes hurt feelings and cost us friends. In the worst-case scenarios, those friends are gone for good. Even a sincere, heartfelt apology combined with attempts to make amends and compensate for the hurt will not work. It's also natural to think a lot about what happened and even obsess about the past, creating a cloud over our heads that casts a shadow on our lives. So, what do you do? Take stock of what you have done so far. The essential steps include: 1) Admitting you made a mistake; 2) Apologizing for the mistake; 3) Making amends for the mistake; 4) Promising not to make that mistake again and to try to do better in the future. At any point in the process, the person you have offended can reject your gestures. When that happens, you will just have to accept it. An important lesson in life is that you can't change other people's behaviors and reactions; you can't control them. The only thing you have control over is your own actions and reactions. It is also important to keep in mind that when you do something wrong--whether or not you intended to do it--it is not necessarily a failure. We all make mistakes, and the key is to learn from those mistakes and take those lessons to heart so you may become a better human being as a result. If you constantly strive to be a better person, then even if those people you have wronged in the past do not forgive you, it's okay. It's not a loss; it's a lesson. And that's how you come to terms with something like this. You accept the consequences of your mistake and consider it a lesson in life that will help you to evolve into a better person in the future. We cannot change the past, but changing the past is not what life is about. We are here to learn, and as long as we keep learning, we will stay on the right path in life. Hugs, Papabear
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I thought I would try something new. In this post, I invite all my readers to ask me ANYthing about yours truly, Papabear (Grubbs Grizzly). You can ask me anything about the fandom, my furry experiences, and even my personal life.
You have opened yourselves up to me, and now it is my turn to do so for you. So, ask me anything! Just click the little Comments link to the left and leave your question. I will post the reply here. Make sure you activate the Notify Me button. Hi Papabear,
I'm Shadey, and I was wondering, do you have any advice on how to have fun while fursuiting for fursuiters (if you know anything about that), but also be safe about it and reduce the risks of damaging your suit at the same time? Even if it's just suiting at home or in public, would there be any tips or any suggestions of what you could do to avoid any pricks to the fabric, tears or rips, or anything of those sorts and what not to do at all? Or, if not, would you recommend any other place that I could ask? Either way, any response to this question is greatly appreciated. Thanks! P.S. I have read some of your articles online before when going into Google for curious furry related questions or suiting advice and I really liked them! Gotta check out your website more as possible. ^^ Shadey * * * Dear Shadey, Thanks for your question. I have been fursuiting for well over a decade now, so I believe I can answer your questions. Let's go through them by category (I'm German; I like order):
That's off the top of my head. Gosh! I was concentrating so much on safety, I forgot the fun part LOL. As for having FUN, probably the best way is at a furcon participating in activities like the fursuit parade and fursuit games that are designed to create a safe place for fursuiters to do their thing. Next would be furmeets, Good furmeet organizers will set up activities that are fun and safe for fursuiters, such as bowling meets or going to the movies. Third after this would be going to conventions that are furry friendly, such as a comic-con or the Doo-Dah Parade or Renaissance Faires. Next, might be charity events. For example, there is a group of furries who participate in charity fundraisers for ALS in honor of the late Dogbomb. Then there are special events such as Halloween or any costume party that might be going on. If you can't find anything, but you know of furries in your area, maybe organize a furmeet in your house. Now, if you want to fursuit at public places, just make sure there are no restrictions. A big one, obviously, would be a place like a bank that doesn't want masked people inside (LOL). But you might be surprised about where there are restrictions on fursuiting. For example, some parks are privately owned and do not allow fursuiters. And you probably don't want to dress up as a bear or deer in the woods during hunting season (cf. CSI episode "Fur and Loathing"). Stay Furry! Papabear Dear Papabear,
Is there a regular club for Furries vs. conventions? A regular place to meet, say weekly, here in San Antonio! Anonymous * * * Dear Furiend, San Antonio is a great city, and it is a pawsome town in which to be a furry, too! For one thing, you have a fur con right there. It's called the Alamo City Furry Invasion (www.furryinvasion.org) and is held in October at the Marriott Airport Hotel. There are many other ways to connect to furries in your area. Thanks to user SAFurry on Reddit, who saved me a lot of research, here is a list of links that will prove helpful to you:
Good luck and have fun! Papabear Dear Papabear,
Its a hard pill to swallow to say I use furporn because people who use furporn to fulfill their sexual needs more often than not are looked down upon. Anyway, I was exposed to furporn early on in life and found out that I liked it and use it normally. I've had sex and had no problem with “getting started” or my overall performance. It hasn’t “watered down” my attraction to real-life sexual acts or desires but enhanced in its own way. But I sat down today and asked myself why do I still use furporn and why do I still like it? I felt as though it was childish, so I looked at a normal porn video and some pictures and noticed it's all the same. I like furporn because it has diversity. Colors, races, styles (etc.). My main question is, "What does this make me?" I wouldn’t consider myself a furry because I don't have any desire to partake in anything, being events, suits, and such. I simply just use furporn. I hope you are able to answer my question for me. Thank you for hearing me out and I hope I was able to bring a new perspective or anything of use to you and your journey. Anonymous (age 20) * * * Dear Furiend, Thank you for writing an honest letter that I believe will be helpful to many of my readers. Isn't it funny how true it is when you say that people into furporn are looked down upon (including in the furry fandom) and yet furporn and other "regular" porn proliferates throughout the Web, literature, movies, sex clubs, and on and on? Human beings are sexual creatures. This is natural. What is unnatural is how social (especially religious) institutions make sex anathema, sinful, a thing only for degenerates, something that should only be used for procreation, and you better not even masturbate lest you go blind and grow hair on the palms of your hands and cause the dinosaurs to go extinct (Family Guy joke). Complete nonsense. The elite and powerful in human society use guilt to control people into "behaving." The result of this is that a vast number of people have become neurotic about sex and many who try to repress their feelings later release their sexual tension in inappropriate, hurtful, violent, criminal, and truly sinful ways (i.e., e.g., rapists, pedophiles, spouse abusers, and priests molesting little boys or having sex with nuns). The truth is that it is MUCH healthier to have an active, playful sex life. People who have satisfying sex lives are happier and more mentally and emotionally balanced. Sexual fantasy is a part of this. There are many good things about sexual fantasy, the main one being that it is a safe way to stimulate the libido. It also helps you run through your mind many things that you might like to try with your consensual partner. In fact, talking with a partner about sexual fantasies can help you strengthen bonds you might not have known you had. Now, one might have some very "out there" fantasies that you wouldn't try on anyone (a common one in the fandom is vore fantasies, for example). You shouldn't worry about these. As marriage and family therapist expert Steven Ing wrote in a Psychology Today article: "Just as fantasizing about being a world-class jewel thief doesn't mean you're going to become a thief, having sexual fantasies doesn’t mean you're going to act on them. Fantasizing is our brain's way of projecting a future scenario or trying ideas on for size. It's also a way of reliving a wonderful moment or deriving comfort or pleasure from an alternative reality." And, of course, always keep in mind the Wiccan Rede: As long as you're not hurting anyone, do what you like. You certainly aren't hurting anyone by watching furporn. But it is also important to note the dangers of porn addiction. Judging by your letter, you are already aware that too much porn viewing can numb the senses and actually lessen one's real sexual activity, and you assert that your own libido has not been "watered down." Good for you :-) Further, you note that furporn is really no weirder than other porn on the internet. So, furry fantasies are just another type of imaginative RP of the mind. In short, you have nothing to worry about. Pretty much all sexually active human beings indulge in some sort of fantasy, so you are totally normal. Yours just happens to be furporn. Big whoop. You seem very aware of all of this and, IMHO, you are quite smart and in tune with yourself. You're mentally and emotionally healthy. Lastly, just because you like furporn doesn't mean you're a furry. It's not like, "Ohmygerd! I watched anthro wolves having sex! Now I have to go buy a fursuit and attend a furry convention!" Relax. The Fur Police aren't gonna knock on your door for noncompliance. Hope this helps. Remember, play safe and have fun! Thanks for writing! Bear Hugs, Papabear Papabear,
I'm an artist, and I love to create and draw my fursonas on my computer, usually with the help of free ref sheets, but lately I've realized that my dad has been going on my computer to see what I've been working on, and to make sure I don't have any games or anything bad installed. This would be fine, but I have a feeling that my dad would NOT approve of my being a furry. I've been hiding it for over a year now, because I'm pretty sure if he found out, he would disown me, or at least punish me. I've been pretty good at hiding it, but I'm worried that if he keeps checking my computer like this, he might find my fursonas and get mad. I don't know what to do. If I ask him not to look through my art, might get suspicious, but if I do nothing, he might stumble upon it anyway. Please help. I don't know what to do. Pip the Pesky Bird (age 14) * * * Dear Pip, The problem goes deeper than the art on your computer. This is about trust. Now, your dad has a perfect right to monitor your computer behavior, but he did so by sneaking behind your back to do it. At the same time, you were hiding what you were drawing regarding furry stuff. The first thing you and your dad need to do, therefore, is to rebuild the trust between you. Here is a nice article from the Boys and Girls Club of America on ways to build trust. Basically, what it advocates is open, honest communication. Working on expressing your needs and desires. Both you and your parent need to be able to do this because without trust you are creating a path toward miscommunication, hurt feelings, and a broken relationship. I understand that you are afraid about revealing your furriness, but you are not doing anything bad such as drawing porn. Your father likely does not have an accurate mental image of furries, especially these days with all those ridiculous falsehoods about cat litter boxes in schools. Your job is to communicate to him why you enjoy drawing furries and what furry means to you. At the same time, tell him you want everything out in the open and he is free to monitor what you do on the phone and computer. You also want him to ask you any questions and to feel free that you can ask HIM questions about anything. Assume your dad already knows what you are doing. Apologize that you have been a bit secretive about it, but tell him why you have. He will not disown you. And punishing you would be stupid. I mean, has he ever forbidden you to draw furry stuff? If he forbade you to do something and you did it anyway, he might justify a punishment, but if he never said don't do it, he has no grounds to punish you. Most parents fear their kids doing furry stuff because they are ignorant of what furry is and believe what the idiotic media tells them. On the other paw, once parents understand that furry is no worse than, say, playing World of Warcraft, most parents are okay with it. The key is to alleviate your dad's fears. Being secretive is a red flag that you know you are doing something wrong (even if you aren't), and your dad isn't stupid. He picks up on stuff like that. So, once again, the key is to be honest. And honesty goes both ways. Remember, your dad loves you and wants to protect you. If he didn't, he wouldn't care what you did on the computer. Talk to Dad. Good Luck, Papabear Hey Papabear,
How're you? Recently, I have had a difficult time with my sexuality. I have found that I don't just find women attractive, but [I am attracted to] my parent's older dog, Ozzy. I grew up with this dog, and it's bothering me. I went home for the holidays and found that I was getting erect from looking at Ozzy. I do not know how to deal with this issue. Do I need a release? Or should I seek psychiatric help? This has overall been a difficult and confusing time for me. What do you think? Have you ever had a similar issue or had someone write in with something similar? Tiennan (age 23) * * * Dear Tiennan, Thank you for your letter. This is an important issue to many people in the fandom, as you might guess. For one thing, furries are often suspected of being all zoophiles (attracted to animals), which is simply untrue. However, there are a few zoophiles in the fandom just as there are in the general population. Zoophilia is rare, but you might find it occurring more often in a fandom that is based on an interest in animalistic characters (this should be unsurprising). A great deal has been changing in the mental health profession community in recent years regarding attitudes toward paraphilias (atypical sexual interests and behaviors). The latest edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), which is the official guide for diagnosing mental health problems, now distinguishes between "paraphilia" and "paraphilia disorders." This is important because it essentially says that just because you have a sexual interest that is not "normal" doesn't necessarily mean you have a problem. When is a paraphilia such as zoophilia a problem, then? Well, as with addictions, a paraphilia becomes a problematic disorder when it has a negative impact on your job, school, or personal life. For example, going to a Vegas casino to gamble once in a while is not a problem; gambling away your life savings and ending up living in a cardboard box under a freeway overpass is. So, as long as your attraction to dogs is not affecting you or those around you (especially if you keep this attraction platonic), you don't technically have a disorder. Why, then, do some people (you're not the only one) have this attraction in the first place, you might ask? Psychologists are still debating this, but there are a few hypotheses. One is that some people are attracted by novelty--in this case, how a dog's penis differs anatomically from a human penis. Another possible reason is the attraction to the forbidden. People can be stimulated by the idea of something being "naughty" because it is unconventional and frowned upon. A third reason might be that a person has difficulty forming close relationships with people and therefore turns toward, in this case, a dog for intimacy. Among animals, dogs are ideal candidates because they are so sociable, friendly, sweet, loyal, and unthreatening. Still another way one can develop paraphilia is by conditioning. For example, a person might develop a foot fetish if they had one or more sexual experiences in which erotic foot play was involved. Over time, they might become focused on feet, causing their arousal, because they associate feet with sex. Any of the above might be a cause for your interest in dogs in some way. Since I am not a psychologist, it could, indeed, be a good step for you to speak to a professional about your concerns. They might be able to dig deeper and help you discover why you are having these feelings. I hope this was helpful. Bear Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I’m an artist. During the course of my yet short career I’ve naturally been making friends (or co-existing in friendly terms, with most) with other artists and clients and it has been excellent so far. However, a few days ago I was made aware of a rather difficult situation that has been making rounds in my head ever since. Turns out one of these persons has covered up and remains friends with someone who was outed as a child groomer some time ago, and doing something about it wouldn’t pose a problem for me if it weren’t for the fact that said person (the one who’s friends with the predator) lives an incredibly active social life and is also friends with the vast majority of artists and clients I’m also friends with. I know some of them are aware of this fact, while some others aren’t. The whole group of people goes around connecting with tons and tons of people in different artist owned servers, including mine, so it’s really weird to look at them and have to suspect everyone all of a sudden. I don’t know what to do about this. I don’t want to be the reason a lot of these people end up fighting each other. I don’t even know if it’s something I should meddle with to begin with. They’ve been friends with each other for far longer than I have. I’ve only known them since this past year and I feel like a complete outsider to the overall group and the whole situation. I’m not a really big artist. I know that if I spoke up I would probably be eaten alive and that I don’t stand a chance against a group as big as this in my current state, including that I would probably lose a lot of friends in the process. I know they have harassed people in the past because of stuff like this. It’s scary to think that most of my support would completely disappear if I make the wrong move, especially considering that being from a third world country with an ever dying economy, making art on the internet is my only chance of living a slightly better life. Furthermore, I have plans of moving countries in the future. I'm incredibly scared of the criminality rate of my current place and many people are murdered just in my city alone each year, so I'd go as far as to think my physical health is in danger if I don't move out quickly and art is the thing that will help me on that. My question is, if someone knows that something around them is bad but doesn't have the power to do anything about it, does that make them equally as bad? I don’t like the idea of allowing these people to keep existing in my space but, is it valid when it’s for the sake of keeping a low profile for self preservation? I would love to have your opinion on this matter, and I deeply appreciate your time. Thank you. Anonymous (age 23) * * * Dear Furiend, Interesting question. I assume that by "child" you mean someone who is not of legal age to consent to sex. So, first of all, this is, of course, illegal if we are talking actual sex. Now, you are from outside the USA, apparently, but I don't know where the other parties are. Are they in the United States? If this is criminal behavior outside your own country, it's rather difficult to report. Another thing to consider is evidence. Is there any solid evidence for what is being claimed or is it just internet chatter? There is a lot of posting on social websites that is complete and utter baloney, and you don't want to contribute to that rumor mill. I'm looking at posts you shared with me on Twitter [not shared here], and even the person making the accusations is using words like "allegedly." I'm also reading these tweets, one of them saying the minor is 17 versus the groomer being 27. Seventeen (and 16), actually, is legal age in 41 of the states in the USA, with 18 being the age of consent in the other nine states. So, if all parties concerned are in one of the 41 states, it's really not a crime. As for "grooming," it sounds as if the older person is supplying the younger person with pornographic images to try and get them aroused. It is illegal in the USA to show minors pornography, and by "minor," we are again dealing with different laws in different states. So, again, if they aren't in one of those 9 states, it's not illegal. What WOULD be illegal in ALL 50 states would be to have the young person, who is under 18, pose for naked photos or be in a porno film. So, you see, this can be complicated. As for you making posts about it on, say, art social groups on the internet, I'd say that's unnecessary. Someone other than you has already, clearly, posted a lot about this. There is no obligation to you to warn people and, honestly, it's kind of none of your business. Also, as you said, your posting about it would not help the matter in any way. And, no, you are not a bad person for not raising a flag. You are not the Police of the World's Bad Behavior. I'm glad you sent me this query as it highlights a problem I see all the time online: People think that it is their job to condemn people vocally on the internet whenever someone does something they consider bad or questionable. The reason this is a problem is that most of the time people are making accusations based on assumptions, rumors, gossip, and opinion, and when you participate in the rumor mill, the result can be the destruction of an innocent person's reputation--or worse. Furthermore, if you are proven wrong, you end up destroying your own respectability and looking like a fool. Do yourself a favor and stay out of the public forum of dirty laundry. If someone has, indeed, done something immoral or criminal, believe me, people will find out without your help. Now, if someone does something to YOU that is criminal, you obviously should report it to the authorities. That's a no-brainer. Or, if they are simply being an asshole to you, the solution is to cut them out of your life, forget about them, and move on. And if a friend of yours is being hurt, you should go to them in private and offer them your support. The internet has become a dung heap of trash-talk and lies. Don't become one of the flies attracted by the stench. Bear Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
My brother (17) found the Furry Fandom last year, and my dad was fine with it, and my mom is kinda freaked out by it, and she has told me this but not my brother. I, on the other hand, have always been an advocate for how great and positive the Furry Fandom is and my brother has been really happy for that. My brother loved the Fandom so much I actually owe it to him that I became a Furry because I wanted to see what exactly about it made it so great. Looking back, I think the signs have always been there, and it feels nice to find a place I feel like I belong. Now here's where my problem is I'm really embarrassed to tell my brother I'm a Furry because he might think I'm just trying to copy him or trying to make fun of him or that I'm ruining something special to him. I do want to tell him, though, because I feel like there is a lot of good memories we can make together doing something we both love. So here is my question: How do I tell my brother I'm a Furry, especially since I don't want to hurt my relationship with him or my mom if she finds out, too? Anyway, thanks so much for your time and would be very grateful if you could help. Logan (age 15) * * * Hi, Logan, Gosh, I would think your brother would be very happy that his sibling is also a furry and that they could share their furry experiences together. Why would you think otherwise? Are there instances in the past where he thought you were trying to imitate him? Younger siblings sometimes do have a rivalry. When I was little, I would follow my older sister around and try to do stuff with her, which kind of irritated her. She is three years older than I am. Your brother is two years older, which isn't a huge difference, but in the teen years it can seem like it. I don't know your brother, obviously, but most furries are excited to have a family member who is also a furry and understands why they love it. I would go ahead and tell him. IMHO it should be a bonding experience between the two of you, and will likely become even more so as you get older. Let me know how it goes. Bear Hugs, Papabear * * * Dear Papabear, I did it. I told my brother I was a furry, and I didn't make a big deal out of it, so neither did he. I am a little bit of an artist, so I offered to do some art for him, and he was pretty happy. Thank you so much for your advice. It really helped me work up the courage to tell him. Sincerely, Logan Dear Papabear,
I am in my mid-twenties. How can I gain confidence? I doubt myself a lot and always fear the worst like failing. That I'll fail everything that I'll do. I've been noticing that I have ADHD-like symptoms for 4 years. I don't even have a driver's license. Fearing that the worst will happen due to these symptoms, it makes other things hard too. Many people have told me to believe in myself. What can I do? Francesca * * * Dear Francesca, "Believe in yourself" is easier to say than to do. It's a cop-out phrase used by friends and family who don't know how to help you. Well-intentioned, but useless. So, okay, you should believe in yourself, of course, but you can't just snap your fingers and, to quote Captain Picard, make it so. How to proceed? There are several factors involved that cause us to doubt ourselves:
The first thing you need to do is rid yourself of the burden of meeting other people's expectations of what is "success" and what is "failure." If you think that "success" is making lots of money and having lots of material possessions, for example, then you can often feel like a failure if you don't make money and buy expensive things. But, if you feel that "success" is being a kind, giving, and GOOD person who pursues their own dreams, you might find yourself becoming a success very quickly. Next point: Don't avoid failure, embrace it. EVERYONE fails at least some of the time. I have experienced many failures myself. Hey, even people like Albert Einstein, Walt Disney, and Bill Gates have experienced failures. Failures are not as bad as they sound because they are learning experiences. For example, one time I tried to apply to a university's creative writing program. I submitted fiction samples to them and was roundly rejected. Reexamining what I sent, I realized that my writing was pretentious crap. I learned from that and am a much better writer now. Another example: my novel (only wrote one so far) was rejected 100 times before a publisher accepted it. (Oh, and in the process, I discovered I am a very good nonfiction writer). Just keep trying. Hey, Margaret Mitchell's Gone with the Wind was rejected 40 times. Stephen King's early work was rejected hundreds of times before he published Carrie. Failure is a learning experience. Do not fear it. Expect it and learn from it. Same with rejection. You WILL experience rejection many times before you find acceptance. Once you get rid of the fears of failure and rejection, you can move forward. You do that by substituting expectation for anticipation. Anticipation is much more anxiety-inducing than expectation. In summary, to build self-confidence you must:
I hope that helps. Hugs, Papabear |
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An excellent article on coming out LGBT to Christian parents.
A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.
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