Write to Papabear

Teen Feels Guilt and Shame for Being Aroused by Furporn

3/19/2018

Hello,

I was wondering if you can help me with something. You see, my first experience with the furry fandom was when I was 13 years old or so. But the thing is, I got exposed to the NSFW side of the fandom and became addicted to it for a few years now. I had the idea to join in the fandom and try to stay on the clean side. Unfortunately, it was not the case as still have the addiction. Sometimes I even have had thoughts on wanting revenge on those who make this kind of art material and how a lot of furries don't keep this kind of stuff private on facebook and twitter that makes it really easy for kids to view it. I only just want to be a good person a lay my demons to rest. Also, if I do actually want to be in this fandom, I might be afraid because of being viewed as immature or as some kind of degenerate and whatever terms and labels people have been throwing around, I know some people say furry is also just a label.

Thanks, Anon

* * *

Dear Furiend,

Thank you for your letter, which allows Papabear to address some interesting subjects. You sound as if you have a lot of guilt over being sexually stimulated by furporn. First of all, as a teenager it is completely natural that your libido would be on overdrive. Sex is pretty much on the brain of all young men (and women) because that's when you are the healthiest and most fertile. It's a Mother Nature thing. Most people become very stimulated by "normal" pornography on the Internet. In fact, porn sites are the most accessed of any type of website on the Web. (Interestingly, the Bible Belt states have the highest rate of porn access in the United States). Is furporn worse or more "degenerate" than any other type of pornography? No, no it is not. Do furries look at a lot of porn? Yes, many do--some more than others, of course. Is furry all about porn? Certainly not. Furporn is just one small aspect of a very interesting and diverse fandom; however, to deny that it is also a fascination for many furries would be tantamount to sticking one's head in the sand.

Why do some furries look at or create furporn? Are they secretly zoophiles? No. I have a number of theories on this matter about which I am writing more in-depth in my upcoming book. One theory is that fursonas create a mask over our sexual proclivities--a buffer, if you will, protecting us from our culture-promoted embarrassment and anxieties over being sexual animals. It is the same reason, for example, why I, as Grubbs Grizzly, felt much more comfortable performing on stage in fursuit than I ever would have as myself: you feel less vulnerable, more protected against criticism or guilt.

Another theory is that furporn allows us to be more free in expressing our animalistic sexual desires. In furporn, no one worries about protection, for example, and there is a sense of liberation in letting it, shall we say, all hang out. It also relieves anxiety over being homosexual ("It's not me doing this, it's my fursona") or having a fetish of some kind. The factor that furries do not exist in real-life places furporn high on the "this is just totally fantasy" list, making it feel safer because one knows that having sex with a dragon or anthro wolf is never going to happen in real life, so there, again, is the relief from anxiety and anticipation.

Seeking "revenge" on furporn artists will not help you, as you likely know. First of all, there's no way you will get rid of furporn, no matter what you do. It's here to stay. Secondly, furporn didn't create sexual desires in you; you already had those and porn just provides you with an outlet. Thirdly, don't feel guilty about it. Human sexuality is extremely diverse, and it can be imaginative and highly creative in a good way (the only bad kinds of sexuality involve anything in which sex is forced against someone's will--rape, sex with children, for example). When sex is consensual and done safely, it is actually a healthy practice that fosters social bonds and even love.

Finally, if looking at furporn made you a reject in the fandom, then yours truly would be a reject, too. I don't think I am, so you should be cool.

Re-examine why you have these feelings of guilt and shame. Is it because YOU think furry sexuality is bad, or is because you feel society thinks it is bad and will reject you?

Hugs,
Papabear

1 Comment

Telling the Boyfriend the "Big Secret"

3/5/2018

0 Comments

Me with my late husband, Jim, at Califur.

Hello Mr. Bear,

I have only been in the fandom for about a year, and have been with my boyfriend for longer. (We're both introverts and didn't talk to each other for the longest. I kept staring at him, and I've caught him staring. I internally freaked out and didn't know what to do so I put all of my eggs in one basket and had flowers and candy (this was around February and my school does this service that sends flowers and candy to people who want them to be sent to someone, yada yada yada, I'm getting off topic) sent to him weeks later. Instead of my name on the card, I drew a picture of myself, as to not draw attention to myself from the rest of my classmates. He looked in my direction and said "I like you, too." I still dog him for that. And I panicked and said "y-you too". He still dogs me for that, too. I really do love him.)

When I'm browsing my art instagram account, I always slowly turn my phone away if we're sitting together on a couch or something. I don't really know his opinion on the fandom, nor have we talked about it. I don't know if or when we'll have this conversation, but if it DOES happen, how do I go about telling him?

Thank you for your time (I need to work on my story-telling skills),

Grayden Baretuff

* * *

Hi, Grayden,

That's a charming story and I thank you for sharing it :-3 As for telling your boyfriend, you're worrying too much. I was in your position once, and I was freaking out just as you are. Finally, got the courage to tell him, and he was like, "Oh, that's interesting. Why were you afraid to tell me? No big deal." I ended up taking him to conventions and he really loved seeing the fursuiters and talking to people, even though he wasn't a furry himself.

Other people I've told along the road were pretty much of the same opinion. Most, to be frank, had never heard of the furry fandom, and when I explained what it was, they were like, "Oh, it's kind of like Comicon" or other conventions and such. They were fine with it.

The key is to tell people honestly about it, and if they have questions, answer them frankly. The less self-conscious and embarrassed you are about yourself being a furry, the easier it will go.

Hugs,
Papabear

0 Comments

Getting Caught in the Middle of Two Arguing Friends

2/27/2018

1 Comment

Dear Papabear,

I hate to be a pest, but I got another issue here I need advice about. I'll try and keep this as short as possible.

Essentially, I have two friends in the fandom. When I went to my first convention in 2017, they were best friends with one another, practically inseparable. Then later that year, after a bad experience at another convention, and increasing tensions between one friend and the others partner, they now hate each other. That was some 7 months ago, and they're still not on good terms.

I wasn't there to witness what happened for myself and only got info through IM, so I refuse to judge either party and rather keep both as friends. Granted, one of them I only became friends with because the other one was their friend once upon a time, so we were never that close to begin with. Even so, he's never done any harm to me, and nor has my closer friend for that matter.

Well this year, I'm going to be attending the same convention I went to last year, and as I think you can probably guess, both of them are going to be there. They pretty much refuse to talk to one another, but I have spoken to both of them about each other and begged them to not get into any confrontations. The one not as close to me insists he won't, but the other gave me answers that I honestly didn't find to be that clear. As best as I can figure, his answer is essentially "it depends".

For one thing, if they do fight, I may end up feeling forced into choosing one over the other, which I seriously don't want to do (albeit I think it's fairly obvious the one closer to me would be the one most likely to stick). I was in a similar situation once before nearly a decade ago. I was friends with A, then friends with B, then A and B were friends, then A and B fell out, then I was only friends with B, and before I knew it, I was friends with nobody. I might as well have been friends with zero. It's hard enough for me to make friends to begin with; I don't know how many more I can lose!

The other thing is that this I don't attend multiple conventions a year. I'm crossing an ocean to see these guys, among other furs, and have used much of my hard-earned savings to do so. I do not want my one convention of the year to be ruined with them two having an altercation. Good grief, last time, one of them gave me their soda to look after for a short time, and once I'd lost it, I moped for the rest of the day about it. He told me to stop worrying about it because, as he said "it's just a soda", but it was fruitless. I still worried, like I always do.

What can I do to be sure that they don't end up fighting one another? Not just for my sakes, but for the both of them, too. I don't care who "started it" and I'd rather things be the way they were before, but the chances of them being able to "kiss and make up" are slim to nil.

Honestly, I feel like I'm starring in a really bad melodrama!

Cheers,
Anonymous

* * *

Hi, Furiend,

Furry drama—or drama of any sort involving anyone—is usually cheap, petty, and involves misunderstandings. Let's start with misunderstanding. Currently, you are operating in the dark. You don't know what started their argument at all. So, if I were you, I would ask each of them what happened first. After hearing their stories, it will likely be a lot easier for you to, if needs be, pick a side. I mean, it could be that one of these guys is being a total douchebag and it will be easy to pick. On the other hand, it could be the result of a total misunderstanding or a completely minor situation blown out of proportion. If one of these lesser offenses is the case, you could very well act as an intermediary and show them the error of their ways, which might, in turn, result in a reconciliation. But you can't do any of that unless you know the facts so get those first.

With luck, things will turn out all right. But there is also the chance that one or both of them is being a drama queen and will refuse to recant or relent. In that case, you can try just being a friend on an individual basis. If they try to make you pick sides, just tell them you prefer to remain neutral as their argument is between them. If that still doesn't satisfy them, then either pick the person you feel is the most likable or back away from both people; your choice. Just don't allow them to manipulate you into a fight that is not your battle.

Hugs,
Papabear

P.S. Don't sweat the small stuff like losing a soda. No biggie.

1 Comment

Getting an Inexpensive Fursuit Head

2/22/2018

2 Comments

Hey PapaBear,

I need a fursuit head, but how do I make/get one for cheap??

Kye (age 11)

* * *

Dear Kye,

That depends on what you mean by "cheap." You have to be be willing to spend a couple bills to get anything decent. If you wish to buy a fursuit head, you can find used ones on a couple of websites, including www.thedealersden.com and www.furbuy.com. Since you are 11 and most of these partials are made for people older, you might have a bit of a problem with the size being too large. You could also, if you are not picky, simply look for animal masks at Halloween costume stores (werewolves, Beast from Beauty and the Beast, and various wild animal heads can be found for less than $100). Or, if you have a friend who is into crafting and sewing, perhaps you could ask them to make one for you. Again, because of your age, I think you are smart to start off cheap as you become familiar with fursuiting.

As for making one? Well, if you are gifted enough to make costumes and can sew and sculpt, then sure, make one yourself. That way, you only pay for materials. You can find video tutorials on YouTube or there are a couple of sites such as www.matrices.net/tutorials.htm that can be helpful.

Good Luck and Happy Fursuiting,

Papabear

2 Comments

A Query about Zoophilia in the Fandom

2/20/2018

2 Comments

Hey PapaBear,

I am new to the furry community and very much like the feral aspect of the group. I often have thoughts of taking these desires IRL and maybe having sex with a dog. I was wondering if this is an OK idea in the Furry community, and if there are even groups for it?

Thanks,
Max (age 20)

* * *

Dear Max,

You are talking about zoophilia: the sexual attraction for another species. Zoophilia has been present in human society since ancient times. You’ve likely heard stories of the farmer who has sex with a pig, sheep, horse, or cow. Sometimes this might be a case of “any port in a storm,” but other times it is a genuine attraction for an animal.

Furries, in general, dislike being associated with zoophilia because many outsiders have falsely accused all furries as indulging in our passion because we want to have sex with dogs etc. That said, according to an [adjective][species] survey, about 18% of the fandom characterizes itself as zoophiles. Another site that does surveys (and is run by people with doctorates in social sciences and psychology) is furscience.com (the International Anthropomorphic Research Project), which apparently has not done any research into this aspect of the fandom as yet (I sent them a query).

Because of the stigma against zoophilia, you will have a hard time finding any furry group openly dedicated to this topic (not saying they aren’t out there, but I haven’t seen one as yet). But if you wish to educate yourself more about zoophilia, the best site I could recommend is Zeta Verein. It is based out of Germany, but it also has a British branch, so the information is all available in English.

Cheers,
Papabear

2 Comments

He's Not Sure If His Attraction to a Friend Is Reciprocated

2/20/2018

0 Comments

Dear Papabear,

I honestly never told anyone this and I feel you want understand unless you know the whole story. I went to college out of state for a year then transferred back due to a family emergency (which is solved now, yay!). Please bear (no puns? ok..) with me this is a quite a story. Every freshmen who with a certain scholarship had to participate in certain event, when its complete they scan your student ID and you're marked for going. The very first event was "Meet the Greeks" In all honesty I was dreading for it to be over before it started (don't get me wrong at the prior to the event I thought Greek great. I just knew that me being in one is almost lying to myself). When we walked down stairs to the basement I saw they guys, they looked exactly how I thought they would, except one (yes, its one of those ridiculous cute guy moments, and I'm honestly cringing and feeling mixed emotions while I type his description) dark blue cap with a white outline, deep blue shirt, dark blue track pants, and red running shoes (Now that I think about it, just from his description he sounds like a douche or is it just me?) like myself you can tell he didn't want to be there, they where possibly giving introductions or a name call I don't know I was admiring this tall cutie until he looked at me. Know me I my have glared at him for a brief moment crossed my arms then turned my attention to the door to the kitchen. Although when I decided to look at him again and he was still looking at me (I was really surprised because usually when I do that most guys look away in a instant)that caused my glare to harden a bit and look farther down the room (not to intimidate him mostly angry at myself for getting caught) I bite my lower lip slightly as punishment but not to hard. Once everyone started to move I go towards the opposite direction everyone else went, by that time I already meet two of the guys prior to the event (because they were at our dorm event hosted outside where the residents HAD to go and meet the other residents and also eat free ice cream and I talked to them a bit. They were there for recruitment) I talked to them until all three couches were free, so I took a seat waiting for it to be over. When I scanned the room I was looking at the cute guy talking to other cute guys all I think was 'I'm sure he could get with anyone of them' looked away and just sighed rubbed my face a bit, I would be on my phone but no phones were allowed during the event. So I just sat there chew on my bottom lip tapping my foot thinking about how I may never be able to see him again, let along talk to him while looking at him talk to other guys. Then curse my luck he sat down across from me and spoke (I have no people skills or know how to have a conversation with anyone) even though I can't relate to most people and judging from what I've been watching laughing for the first time (which is important to remember). Fast forwarding I rushed the house and pledge and got to know him better and I'm starting to like him more (Have I mention I've never dated anyone? Also I've only liked 3 people total even now) so one day I got tipsy for the first time (fun fact I speak my mind at that stage) had over 8 or 9 Jell-O shots that night, he was showing me video clips of him playing soccer in high school he was the goalie (a damn good one at that) and I was over flattering him (my first time flirting with someone.. EVER) then later that night he asked was I flirting and said he was scared (he was laughing and started to cover himself I find that really fun when I think about it) of course I said no and left. Later down the like we became what I thought friends, when he got drunk I made sure he was not doing anything to hurt himself (the other guys told me that he's an adult but I tired anyway) when he got a concussion I'd tell him if he need anything let me know, I became a parent in other words I thought if I couldn't be with him then I least want to be a good friend (I didn't have those either, I also spend almost EVERYDAY in his room watching him play video games while I commentate he really enjoyed that). Wanting to distance myself from him because he was pretty much getting laid every night and I just decided to give up and use that time to get back in my hobby, photography, so I wanted to be the first person photographer of the Quidditch team my friend Joey was the caption and I asked him and was granted approval. Not know what the sport was he invited me to go to the first practice of the season and aslo about the tournament coming soon, I was excited until he told me the roster (Yup, he was on the team too) I couldn't just back down, he was really happy when I asked. When practice day came he was a clown, at that point he picked up on my speech pattern (also he didn't know what juke was is football until I told him) he would ask me how was that juke every time laughing , I was having fun but wanted to do this to get away not sucked in more. After practice he asked me to come to his room and watch him play a game I never seen before (I was a bit shocked he knew curiosity was my weakness). Tournament day arrived, we had to stay at a hotel there was 4 girls and 4 boys, which means we had to share a bed (oh boy..) and when that time came it was a vote who shares a bed with who and Joey and my other Greek brother called each other name so fast I didn't take a breath which means we share a bed (why me, that's all I thought. At that time I wanted to detach those feelings but the thought of sharing a bed didn't help!). The three of them decided to go somewhere and I wanted to stay, so when they left I went to bed, I woke up and felt wind on my forehead I realized it was him so I turned my back towards him and fell back asleep (That's what I know, but later in the future he told me he was laying on top of me..). Fast forwarding a bit I was trying to accept my feelings but not act on (at this point he SHOWED me what the game red light was. If you don't know its where your opponent puts his hand on your knee and he will go up slowly and will stop when you say red light. I always told him to keep going at your own risk and no he never touched it. But he was close, he was just on the wrong knee, thank goodness. Also, he's been getting VERY noticeable boners, I try not to look but with that size how could I not..) Then I later find out a good friend of mine told me she liked him (that hurt me honesty but what really hurts was when they dated). I was happy about it because she was a sweet girl and she deserved someone like him (I decided to official let these feelings go for good so they can be happy), but there was a slight problem, she was abstinent and he had sex almost every week. He never cheated on her it just made her nervous when she was alone with him and he wanted to "watch a movie" she would come to my room and ask me to join for that reason and I did, I just felt uncomfortable and a bit upset. She was leaning on his chest with her legs on the futon and he sat there stroking her arm then his hand eventually ended on rubbing her butt, not wanting to sit through it I said I had an early class tomorrow (The only think that made it uncomfortable and upset was just being the third-wheel which always happens to me in any situation). During that time she was always in there and the rate of him calling me in there declined quite a bit but he still did (I forgot to mention, we lived on the second floor and he is the first door on the left, across is the bathroom. My room is on the right and four rooms down from his including the bathroom and the water fountain was on the right. And every time he called me I was passing by his door he always singed my name lol). Eventually they broke up and it impacted her heavily and he seemed a bit off about it, he never wanted to talk to me about it (maybe because I was friends with her, but I was honestly sad I thought they were cute together) but I could tell something was off. One night he go drunk (I was staying away from drinks at the time) and he showed that it really affected him, he didn't cry he play a brake up country song and was sing and talking to me. Fast forwarding a bit I was in the process of reminding myself that "He's is pretty much the only real friend I had and I should be thankful for that" (The other people who I said were good friends are but I spent EVERYDAY with this guy so its bound to be different then theirs) at this time I was in the Theater club because on the same night I got drunk and failed flirted with him I ended up agreeing to join the Theater club. I met another nice friend that night, her name is Sage, and so since I had the thought of him being just a friend I started hanging out with her everyday instead of him (I'm honestly cruel for this, I already knew she was emotionally unstable so I just attached myself to someone I knew I could waste my time with.. But I did want to help her overcome all those problem and she did eventually). Though I started to notice changes with him, it start with him would call me to his room to watch him with his regular honest enthusiasm and I tell him I'm going to hangout with Sage and he asked are we going to do it and I'll say no and leave, then really changed when he would call me and ask to watch and I stand there and watch and he ask me to sit down and I'll tell him I'm going with Sage then he would fall silent then when I leave and as I'm walking down the stairs he slams his door (and I mean SLAMS his door, I wanted to check on him but I'd think to myself "I am not his boyfriend" and continue walking, then every time I come back his door would be open and he would watch me walk by (I was getting ready to read an update on my favorite vn's) and once I reach my door his door slams shut, I'd sigh and think that thought again. Guys around the house would be shock to see me somewhere else around the house, it became a theme that if you want to find me go to his room, but eventually I decided to hangout it him. I go in and sit down next to him and ask him what is he playing when it was clearly Madden he told me and he asked me "Not going to Sage?" I can tell he was grumpy and he started raging at the game and I started to chuckle to myself while covering my mouth, he asked me was I laughing and I said with a bit of sarcasm "What? No.." and he started to laugh a bit and said "You can laugh" or "I don't mind you laughing". Fast forwarding a bit and at this point he's yell or ask me "Lets fuck" so many times the whole house knows, one time he asked me calmly and I said no and he asked why not, I don't really remember my response or if I just chuckled and lean on my hand but he did give a quick glance. I've also notice him looking at me from the corner of his eye once (oh and the constant boners never stopped, although the amount of girls he slept with almost to nearly stopped). At that point I finally just accepted the thought of him as a friend (at this point we returned from winter break and I spent it with Sage), but one day I just wanted a break from everyone and I wanted to focus on classes, until a brother asked me can he talked to me and asked did I know why he called me in there and I said yes (That whole week everyone I knew was asking me was I mad at Sage and I'll say no) but that wasn't it. He said there is a rumor that a brother and pledge had sex (Pause. Now bare with me because this may get hairy. The only people in the house who hangout with each other everyday at that point was Group A: How had an openly gay member but he was never here, and there was me and Justin who hangout everyday. And two days prior to this, the same brother questioning me told me before I arrive he said "I want to fuck" and when up stairs and called my name. Then the day before this talk he said what I'm guessing a very lewd comment while going to his room I didn't hear what was said but everyone just looked and me wide eyed and gapped mouths, I asked what he say and they told me it was nothing). I was shocked and asked who was it and he said he didn't know (He only questioned me and another pledge and he left his door open when he asked him but not with me. He stopped the comments after that but we still hung out). Later he got a girlfriend who he is still with to this day (I was only shocked that they got together so fast) I was a bit happy for him even if he completely shut me out. He was either at her dorm or he was in his with the door closed all day everyday (I felt abandoned, like I was easily forgotten about. Before he go with her he would send me snaps on snapchat, we had a 6 day streak, if you don't know we messaged every single day. When he got with her it just stopped), though one day he crossed my line. One night his girlfriend was storming out saying good night like she was fine, being a good sport I went after her to make sure he was fine but she started crying. Long story short they had an argument and he has a concussion and she asked me could I watch him since I'm the only one he can trust (that was a fact, he trust no one with his credit card but one day he asked me to get something for him). I go to check on him and his door is closed and lock (of course) I text his phone and sent a message on snapchat I asked "where are you?", he replied to the snapchat he said "outside" I run out side and looked around, then ran out back and see his truck gone I hear tire screeches and run to the front and see him driving off fast. I called him and it went right to voicemail after the second ring, I text him (all the text are on snapcaht) to come back and he said no. I texted at least pick me up (I can drive but I have no license, that way I'm not worried about him having an accident) he said he wants be alone, I told him that he can talk to me about it, that's what friends are for. He read it but didn't respond I wait a bit and send "Right" it was on send then he opened it and didn't reply (Ok, I have a history why I don't have friends. In all my school years, all the people who I thought my friends told me that we were never friends this includes high school. I did their homework for them, I've been abused in way that put me in the hospital and if I told anyone those students would be expelled. I may not sound like anything but I've been scared literally and mentally and used, I took all this pain just for one single friend, but in the end I'm told I in my face we were never friends. I swore on my name that as long as I hold a breath in my body it will never happen again. And I not one to break a promise, especially one to myself) I send "Right?" again, he didn't open it for 2 mins then he replied asking me to tell another brother that he is ok (All the emotions that I felt just stopped) I'm just staring at the message trying to comprehend it, then he sends question marks 'Did he just...ignore me...?' that's all I could think then he message me again saying he's messaging him now. I replied "Tell him yourself" he sent more question marks I could bring myself to reply then me message me saying bright lights hurt his eyes and he can't read the messages, I told him to come back before he has an accident and he just read the message and didn't reply (All I could think was him just ignoring me asking are we friends but he can reply to other people and just ignore me.). Later that night he said his girlfriend convinced him to come back, when he go back I texted him should I check on him (I was emotionless, and my heart rate went up) and replied no but thanks. It took two or three days later I had a mental breakdown. I avoided him, ignored him and gave him the cold shoulder for a while, every time someone ask me about him I'd say "Why are you asking me?" (It really hurt, I wasn't mad at him, I was mad at my self for jumping to conclusions like that. When I thought about it we never really talked about anything and there were other brothers he just had a great conversation with while I was just sitting there. I came to the conclusion that he just thought of me as temporary entertainment until he have one of his friends to come by). Fast forwarding to summer break, I had a someone who was going to take me to the train station, as I went around and said goodbye he was my last stop, even though he was on the phone so I just playfully punched his arm and left. The I transferred. Current date, lately we've been having conversations like we use to (on snapchat), I can tell he would message me when he was with her or without her and he replied fast (one day he wanted to make a bet that he will find me. I said $15, then he said "$10 and a really good massage. I just send lol but he asked "deal?" and I just said "Fine deal lol"). Until yesterday, he asked "why no picture?" (he's been snapping pics the whole time and sometime text) I send one of me looking confused with the caption "I don't know..." and then after he reads it he sends "I almost forgot what you look like" with two laughing emoji's. Then he just started to message slow, like 5 hours later slow. Week before his sudden message I've been trying to look for a date lately but I fail every time they see how I look.. Now I'm starting to get a bit depressed because I thought he remembered how I looked and just didn't mind messaging me but now.. Papabear I want to know what do you think of all this? Was I overreacting or did I have any right to feel that way? Please give me you brutality honest opinion, I can handle it I just don't like being deceived.

Mark (age 19)

* * *

Dear Mark,

My opinion is that this guy, Justin, is conflicted about his sexuality and is not handling it well. His mixed-up emotions are then expressed inappropriately by treating friends badly and insensitively. I don't think you've done anything wrong here; indeed, you're remarkably restrained. I think he needs to get his head together before he can have a healthy relationship of any kind. I don't think he's trying to deceive you so much as he is deceiving himself (lots of sex with women is overcompensating to hide his homosexual feelings). The fact that you've been abused by others in the past (so sorry to hear), makes you vulnerable to misinterpreting his intentions.

So, what to do? The first step is to recognize that Justin is confused and conflicted and that he is not thinking clearly. The second thing is to not take this as an invitation to lecture him or try to correct his behavior. He has to work it out for himself or with a professional counselor. The third thing to do is make sure you don't have sex with him (sounds like you have not, good). Having sex with someone messed up in the head is not a healthy thing for either of you. Sounds like he needs to spend a little less time on sex, sports, fraternity stuff, and video games and a lot more time actually studying and working on his classes (how are his grades?)

Feel free to be supportive and listen to him (just listen, don't offer advice) and keep him out of your pants, of course. Calm down your own libido, too, because it's not helping you or him. Since you're in a different school now, that shouldn't be a problem. As long as you don't see this guy as a potential mate, you should be okay. Also, if this stays on a friendship level, remember that friendships should go both ways. Try this out by asking him to do something (even a very minor thing) for you and see what he says. If he says something like "I don't have time to do that," then you have a pretty good idea that the friendship is bogus, too.

Hugs,

Papabear

0 Comments

He Feels Unworthy, Even Fearful of Being in the Fandom

2/5/2018

0 Comments

Dear Papabear,

I want to thank you for all of the help you provided me with last time I wrote to you, which must have been 2-3 years ago now. I'm now in college studying a whole bunch of science and maths (complex numbers are awesome).

So anyway, my question. I've been involved in the fandom for many years and while my haunting memories of the past are now nothing but haunting memories, I don't really feel like I fit in in the fandom due to how bad I am at art and music and animation and pretty much everything the furry fandom is. I'd practice but I'm still very apprehensive about drawing; it's been a few years since I picked up a pencil and that wasted time is something I regret.

I'm moving to University in September but I'm pretty worried that such a thing might mean that I'd retreat back into the closet and not have the chance to do the things I wanna do. (I've heard nightmare stories of people getting beat up over it in a certain upper-class university)

I have the funds to go to conventions and stuff (I won the money in a science fair competition over here) but I just can't find the motivation to go as some small part of me still finds the fandom weird and strange. (I find that such a small part seems to contradict everything else at times).

So... How do I feel like a part of the fandom and contribute? Because now it feels like I could do so much more this year, before I move.

Glyn (age 18)

* * *

Dear Glyn,

Glad I was able to help you earlier and glad that you are attending university and finding success. I’ve heard your concern before from other furries who seem to have come under the impression that they are unworthy to be furries if they are not artists or writers or performers or whatnot. I’m befuddled as to how this notion has come about in the furry culture because it simply isn’t true (perhaps it is a desire to become a popufur?). You don’t have to create furry art or be a fursuit maker or whatever to be in the fandom. Just have fun with it! Not everyone is a talented artist (I certainly am not), but that doesn’t make you any less a furry.

As for getting beaten up at a university for being a furry…. I have not heard that story so would need to see an article or something. I find that people at universities tend to be more openminded and liberal about such things. I don’t think you really have much to fear.

Since you have the money (congrats on your award), I would encourage you to attend furcons. Go to the various panels, talk to people, and through this you will probably get some ideas as to how you can contribute. Just one idea that pops to mind is you could volunteer to help at a furcon. Cons are always seeking people to help out because it is such a HUGE task to run a con, and I’m sure they would welcome your contributions.

The more exposure you get to the fandom, the more comfortable you will become and the less “weird” it will feel to you as you make new friends and learn about fun things to do.

Good Luck!
Papabear

0 Comments

Breaking Down the Shyness Wall

1/30/2018

0 Comments

Hiya, Papabear.

So, near the beginning of the school year, I developed a crush on this one guy named Jacob. He was a new kid in 8th Grade (so he was about a year older than me) and he hadn't heard about any of the rumors that had been circling around me at the time. He looked pretty good, too.

He's pretty much the only gay guy in school, besides me. Except he was open about it. Like, a lot.

Skipping ahead a week or so, word got out that I had affections for him (thanks to my "friends"). Now the whole school was laughing at me for two reasons:

1: Because they found out that I'm gay,
2: And because they knew I had a crush on Jacob.

Like I didn't have enough to worry about. Jacob found out, too.

On the other hand, he gave me his Snapchat through an e-mail, now knowing the feelings I had for him. He told me that he's had quite a rough history, and that, despite his good looks, he's never met anyone who's had a crush on him.

So, yeah. Enough of the past's happenings, let's get to the present's problem.

Despite us talking together on Snapchat, finding out we both like each other and such, there is one slight problem...

I haven't the strength to interact with him (or talk to him, for that matter) face-to-face. I want to, but every time I get near him, I run away for no apparent reason. I think it's because I'm afraid that things might not go so well, that things might become awkward if I go and talk to him.

But how am I going to overcome this fear of mine? How do I successfully converse with him? How do I avoid/resolve awkward moments or conversations? And once I get past that, any date ideas or activities (other than the obvious restaurant/movie option) that you'd like to suggest?

Thanks in advance.

mon~

* * *

Dear mon~,

One reason social media such as Snapchat are so popular is that they afford us a way to communicate with others through a kind of mask (screen names, fursonas, avatars) that makes us feel less vulnerable, less exposed. That goes a long way toward alleviating shyness and social anxiety. But when you face Jacob in person, all that shyness kicks in again because there is nothing between you and him except air.

Like all fears people experience, the best way to overcome them is to do so in small, incremental steps. In this way, you retrain yourself to replace a bad or undesirable behavior with a good, desirable one. In your case, you need to combine the desired goal of interacting with Jacob in person with the security of maintaining that wall—at least in the beginning.

Interestingly, there was an episode of The Big Bang Theory that dealt with this very topic. The character Raj was dating a woman with crippling social anxiety. His solution was to set up a date with her in a library (quiet), sit across from her at a table with some food in a kind of picnic, but talk to her over the phone using texting. You could try something similar with a “text date” in which the two of you meet somewhere that is a comfortable atmosphere and talk by texting. As you continue to text, the cool part of this is that you can see his reactions in real life, such as if he smiles or laughs at something you say. This will begin to break down that wall that you have erected, block by block, until you start to feel comfortable actually verbalizing the communication.

Give that a shot, and see how it goes.

Hugs,
Papabear

0 Comments

Friendship Jealousy

1/24/2018

0 Comments

Dear Papabear,

I've written to you a number of times, and I'm sure you know I've seen my fair amount of stress in my life thus far. There is someone I have mentioned before, one of my first friends in this fandom, and one of my closest friends to date. Basically, we both went through a lot together, and she was a breath of fresh air after the long time I spent isolated socially.

But the thing is, there is another person I'm gonna refer to as "Z" who a bunch of us met a while back. Z, no offense to him, just isn't the kind of person I really like. He is a little over the top when it comes to dirty jokes, and seems like he never could take something seriously, despite the fact half a year ago I saw him be serious. But then again, half a year is a long time.

Basically the thing is, when Z popped up, my old friend started spending more time with him. And yea this isn't bad, but it caught me off guard a little. He came out of what seemed like nowhere. This isn't something that bothered me, but eventually things like her drawing endless amounts of art for him, almost flat out ignoring if the three of us are all in the same room, and straight up acting more like Z than how she did before. And although I am severely angry at my brother for snooping Z's phone he promised he wouldn't, it turned out some NSFW things had happened with roleplay between them, as well as Z and almost everyone else I knew in that friend group. It didn't help my liking toward him, but I did realize that was private and isn't something I should be concerned about or really even know. Me and my old friend had actually dated in the past, and split over a matter of sexual orientation, so I couldn't decide if this was affecting it or not as well.

It’s no surprise to me what this is: jealousy.

I have spoken to her a couple different times, and she has debunked a lot of worries I had. Like drawing a lot of art for him, his fursona is good as a template tester since it's not very complex. But for some reason it always keeps coming back to me, and I just don't know what to do.

I think part of it is she means a lot to me after everything that has happened, and I am just scared of being abandoned. I lost T.R. before (albeit in a much worse manner than this), and I still get scared of losing those close to me now.

Bottom line: what can I do to end this jealousy over my old friend and Z. It's been bothering me for months by this point.

Sincerely,
ScarTheFur

* * *

Hi, Scar,

Friendship jealousies in the fandom are quite common and are usually tied to one’s insecurities. The first thing to be done is to acknowledge that jealousy, recognizing it for what it is, and you have done just that—good for you. Next, you need to think about why you are jealous, and you have done that as well by noting that you are afraid you will lose you will lose her like you did T.R. and you will be abandoned. A third thing to do is to talk about your feelings and fears with your friend, and you have done that, too! My goodness, you are three for three so far. Excellent.

The only thing left is to figure out where to go from here. When we form friendships, we typically find that different friends fulfill different needs in our lives and enhance us and complement us in different ways. For example, Papabear has friends in the fandom with whom he can talk about furry stuff, but he also has friends who are not furry with whom he shares other interests, such as politics, religion, outdoor activities, movies, going out to eat. None of my friends fulfills all my interests, but all of them together do.

You talk about how Z is not like you in their sense of humor and, apparently, interest in furporn. These are things that your long-time friends seems to find interesting and so they have glomped on to Z pretty hard, spending a lot of time with them. This often occurs with new friendships but usually dies down a bit after a certain amount of time. Your old friend denies preferring Z to you, and I would take them at their word for it. It is just an early fascination.

What you need to do, then, is target the things that you and your old pal have in common that you can share and that have little or nothing to do with Z. Say (just making this up) you are both into Pokémon Go and Z isn’t—then spend some time playing that together. Be the friend that fulfills interests that Z can’t or won’t.

The other thing is to diversify. Like a stock portfolio, it is unwise to invest all your emotional cash into one or two friends. That way, if one of those friend’s stock crashes (i.e., they abandon you) you’re not left all alone. I’m not saying that will happen, but it’s just wise not to lean too heavily on just one person.

Hope this helps! Good Luck!

Papabear

0 Comments

Social Justice Warriors, Political Correctness, and White Guilt

1/21/2018

0 Comments

Dear Papabear,

This is the second time I have written to you. During my studies, and even before, when I grew bored of TV series, I turned to following world news, American news, and some conservative Internet commentators.

Through these, I learned about the Social Justice Warrior movement and its misguided ways. The extremist members of this movement propagate hate against white people. Is it really ok to hate based on ethnicity? Why did the term "people of color" come to existence with the meaning of non-white people? Is white not a color? If not, then why is black considered a color in this sense? For both white and black are considered shades, not true colors, in art. SJWs connect "whiteness" to the colonizers of the Americas and not only to them, they extend the meaning to all Europeans, a crude generalization and racism on their part. One might ask the question why is it that they only view white people as not belonging to America when, in fact, African slaves were brought there to replace "the Indians" (native Americans), because they couldn't handle the burden of slavery well. So, in this sense everyone except native Americans should get out of your continent, the thought of which is quite absurd. Even so, why do they think it is ok to blame the younger generation for the sins of the older?

When commentators speak about gender and race issues, they make it sound like that SJWs are everywhere and pose a big problem. Because I'm not living there, I have limited means of gathering information. So, I would like to ask you: how widespread is this belief in your society, especially in the furry fandom, since it's known to be one of the most accepting fandoms? Do people get hung up on chasing nonexistent offences, intolerantly preaching tolerance, or is it just a magnified issue which doesn't come up as often? What is your opinion about this in general?

Yours Truly,

Farkas Ürdüng (23, Hungary)

* * *

Dear Farkas,

I think it was comedian Eddie Murphy who did a humorous stand-up routine about color. Talking about white people, he noted, “When white people get cold, they turn blue; when they get angry, they turn red; when they get sick, they might get yellow or green, but when black people are cold or angry or sick, they’re still black. Seems to me white people are the ones who are colored” *snerk*.

Your letter seems to entangle two separate issues: social justice warriors and white guilt. They are not always the same. SJWs are objects of criticism because they are a form of troll, using insincere outrage over things they have heard are not politically correct and then having vitriolic fits about them online to score social justice points, so they will be seen as popular. Such people only do their “activism” online and do not do anything constructive in the real world to effect real change. In other words, they are frauds. Their use of politically correct mantras is just a tool for trolling; they don’t truly care about the issues they complain about.

Let’s move on to the politically correct movement in America and white guilt. Here is an extremely brief overview of the history behind it: As you are likely aware, the United States has a long history of oppressing other races, especially African Americans and Native Americans, but also other groups, including Chinese and Japanese immigrants, LGBT people, and, of course, women (who weren’t even allowed to vote until 1920, long after black men were “technically” permitted to vote, though many factors made this difficult, such as Jim Crow laws). Beginning with the 1960s Counterculture Movement, which centered in universities, especially those in New England and the West Coast (University of California, Berkeley, was the epicenter), and the Civil Rights Movement led by such figures as Martin Luther King Jr., there was a strong reaction against the injustices perpetrated against minority groups. A dissonance needed to be resolved between these injustices and the American image of being “land of the free and home of the brave.” Obviously, unless you were a white male, most Americans didn’t even start to experience real freedom until just the last few decades of our history.

[Side note: your statement that “African slaves were brought there to replace ‘the Indians’ (native Americans), because they couldn't handle the burden of slavery well” is untrue. Indians experienced slavery, it’s true, under the Europeans, but when it comes to Americans they were more often slaughtered, run off their lands, and put in re-education schools where they were forbidden to use their native languages. Africans were brought in to work the fields, primarily in the South, although a number of Northerners had slaves until those states started making it illegal. In other words, the Indians (who were perfectly capable of being slaves and often were [especially under Spain]) were mostly seen as a people to be exterminated (they posed a challenge to the white American concept of Manifest Destiny), while the Africans were considered a labor resource.]

After generations of work by civil rights leaders, America made progress in its laws to finally treat minorities better. As with any tidal change in society, there are reactionary forces led by about half of America (at least) that is still extremely prejudiced towards these groups. But because it was no longer legal (or at least ignored) in American society to be overtly prejudiced and abusive towards these groups, they kind of went underground. An example: before the U.S. Supreme Court ruled in favor of same-sex marriages, the state of Michigan passed a state constitution amendment banning such unions. Before it went to a vote, however, polls indicated that most Michiganders were against the amendment. You see, even though the polls were anonymous, people didn’t want to be seen as prejudiced, but when they entered the voting booths, they voted for what was really in their hearts: hate. The same is true with racism in many parts of this country. For example, local leaders in some southern states have removed voting centers in areas with black majorities to make it harder for them to vote, but they say the reason is because they need to cut election costs.

Now, with a racist jackass inhabiting the White House and a majority of minority-hating Republicans in Congress, hateful Americans everywhere have felt empowered to once again spout their prejudices (currently, it is mostly aimed at Muslims from Arabic countries and at immigrants from Africa, the Middle East, and south of the border). Republican leaders justify their actions by labeling Muslim minorities as terrorists and immigrants from Mexico and Central America and other points south as moochers stealing money from American taxpayers. The words on the Statue of Liberty have no meaning to right-wing people.

To point out your correct observation that all Americans are either immigrants or descended from immigrants (except for Indians [and, by the way, it is okay to call them Indians], who got here first), conservative politicians and other Americans do acknowledge this, it is just that they would prefer our immigrants to come from places like—as Trump requested—Norway, which he considers to be not a “shithole country.” The problem there is that people in Norway are generally much happier than Americans and have no compelling reason to flock here en masse.

Like a game of ping-pong, with the counter-revolution of white conservatives on the rise, you are now getting a counter-counter-revolution of left-wingers and those who are obsessed with political correctness, and part of this political correctness is a self-loathing (if you are white) for all the injustices of the past, even if you weren’t personally responsible for them. This is why Columbus Day is celebrated less and less and why there was a recent movement to destroy monuments to Confederate leaders.

As we bounce back and forth, the two extremes become more and more extreme, while moderates in the middle become scarce. Today, we have a deeply divided nation that is literally (judging by voting) a 50/50 split between liberals and conservatives. Add to this the fact that we have lost the ability to compromise in Congress, and that social media encourages people to express hostile opinions without having to hear counterarguments, and you have a real mess on your hands.

Social Justice Warriors are just one symptom of a much larger issue: a country that is as divided today as it was just before the U.S. Civil War and all that this implies. Some states, such as California and Texas, are even mulling over the possibilities of seceding from the union—something that is becoming a possibility because of the lack of true leadership in Washington, D.C.

As for the furry community, it is well established that its members tend toward the left, politically speaking, though there are some conservatives within the fandom, which would imply that there may be more SJW people in the fandom than in the general population (I have no statistics on this, however; it’s just a hunch). I believe that the SJW phenomenon is one restricted, for the most part, to the online world. Mostly, this is people raging against the wind to little or no effect. I find it an annoyance that is easily ignored and avoided.

Much more important than the impotent SJW population is the very real fact that the United States is in serious trouble—politically, socially, economically. Indeed, this is coming to a head involving the Constitution and the power of the Executive Branch, which, at this point, could go one of two ways: 1) in the 2018 and 2020 elections Americans start to regain their senses and bring back some sanity to Washington, or 2) we go the way of Nazi Germany and descend into a dictatorship that would mark the end of the United States as we know it.

And how are things in Hungary?

Papabear

0 Comments