Dear Papabear,
As I'm sure you're well aware, the furry fandom in general is pretty fond of being touchy-feely. Hugging, cuddling, snuggling, licking, nosing, etc etc. I fully identify as a furry and enjoy the fandom plenty, but the whole touching thing has always been uncomfortable for me. I consider physical contact to be an expression of intimacy and trust, and I frankly don't like or trust most people enough to allow even the casual touch-of-the-shoulder-between-friends, let alone what the furry fandom collectively does daily. This goes for both in-person (especially in-person) and online interactions. I'm not even very comfortable with shaking another person's hand, just to illustrate. Now, I'm well aware that I need to communicate this with the other people and furries I talk to, both online and off, and believe me, I'm not shy about speaking up. Groups tend to pick up on it pretty quickly and leave me alone as far as touching goes. That's not really the problem. With furries especially, people tend to take my aversion personal, as if, say, I don't like them or don't want to associate with them. It tends to cast me as an angry jerk. I don't mean to be off-putting, but it's hard to communicate that I still want to talk and share humor after point-blank refusing a friendly hug (for instance). It doesn't seem to matter how I show or tell my aversion: I've tried calmly explaining how uncomfortable it makes me feel, I've tried simply ignoring the issue (this one really only applies to online interactions), and I've tried being up-front about the whole thing before anything happens. How can I avoid offending people that are just trying to be friendly and still avoid touching? I love the fandom, but I feel a little out of place amidst the touchy-feely furries. Now, that's not all. I said before that I consider physical contact to be an expression of intimacy and trust. I am fully open with people I get involved in relationships with. I actually think that it's a sweet expression to place that sort of trust in another person to show my changed feelings for that person, and I'd like to think that those I've been involved with have seen it like that. Problems arise with exes. The breakup I'm thinking about happened a little over a year ago. It hurt deeply and was a sad occasion, but we agreed to stay friends and continue speaking. Convenient, since we shared the same interests and tended to hang around the same places anyway. As we were in a relationship (fairly long-term as well), I obviously had long-since extended the trust of physical contact and physical intimacy, but after we broke up, I felt that that trust needed to be taken back. It wouldn't be much of a stretch to say that I felt betrayed. As such, I no longer felt comfortable being touched by them, even casually, as furries are wont to do. As I had previously allowed and even wanted it before, I think they have a hard time understanding that I am back to being uncomfortable with it now, especially since, well, furries. I know I've tried communicating this several times, but it still persists, and I don't want to object any stronger for fear of completely alienating them. I don't want to encourage getting back together (as, as you'll remember, touching is an expression of intimacy) but I don't want to lose them as friends either. Due to the standoffish nature that people assume I have, I don't make many friends. I'd like to keep the ones I have. How can I really get it through to them that touching is now a no-no, as it once was before, without unduly hurting their feelings? Neurotically yours, Grey * * * Dear Grey, Everyone has there own sense of personal space, and, yes, yours is not the usual for the usually touchy-feely furry community. This is not a bad thing; it’s just that you are not so free and easy with your affections because, for you, hugging someone or being close in a physical sense (or even being huggy online in an IM) means something more to you. You are the type of person who only gives his physical affections to someone who means a lot to you. Papabear can understand this. In one way, this is actually a good thing for you because it leaves you less vulnerable to the kind of emotional manipulations and shallow “friendships” that can and have run rampant in the furry community. It also buffers you from the drama queens that are out there. On the other hand, as you noted, people can easily misinterpret this as meaning you are an unfriendly person, which is not the case. There are all kinds of physical ways to express friendship and love, and there are appropriate and inappropriate ways to do so, whether in public or private. Papabear is an affectionate bear, and I love hugs, but there are some behaviors I have seen in public that even I find appalling. For example, this dance move from Brazil is just too out there: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oQ83rJ_RhE. I mean, seriously?? But I do think you have gone a bit too far the other way. Papabear is big on communication, and in the human world verbal language is only one part of that communication; body language is enormously important, as well. You mention you don’t even like to shake paws. If you are in business at all, that in itself could have a negative impact on a career. A friendly pawshake and a smile can go a long way without being too intimate. (If you were involved in a business deal and refused to shake hands with someone, people would quickly think you are not dealing sincerely with them). Papabear suggests you try working on your pawshake and smile and that can really ease your images as a cold fish. Once you get that down, you might even practice what I call the “hetero hug,” which is a brisk, not-too-close-and-not-too-long hug with a vigorous pat on the back (one or two pats at most) to convey congeniality and camaraderie without appearing too feminine or vulnerable, as butch, hetero men often seem so afraid to do (I’m a little tongue-in-cheek here, furs, so please, no letter campaigns from the hetero community, thanks). A little easier to deal with is chatting online. You can certainly be a friendly person online without typing things like *hugs* and *kisses* and such. Nothing wrong with a friendly :-) after all, is there? Surely that won’t break your fingers. Finally, and most importantly, being a friend and finding friends anywhere, whether in the furry fandom or outside it, has more to do with actions than social interactions. What I mean is, be a friend by helping others, being there when they need you, offering companionship and support in a very real way. Papabear has a sense that that is the kind of person you are with your tight circle of friends, which is cool. If you remain a furry of good character, never stabbing people in the back or being a false friend, eventually word will get out that you are a person of substance, which is worth a million shallow hugs in this bear’s book. Hope that helps, Papabear
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[Ed Note: I recently found out what actually happened at the event discussed here. It was truly an eye-opener. However, I have been sworn to silence on the matter. It's too bad, because the truth would dispel a lot of gossip. In the meantime, Papabear has responded as best he could given the facts he was able to obtain secondhand. However, if anyone reading this knows the people who ran the NJ FurBQ, I urge you to ask them to come out publicly with the truth. The most informative and balanced report I've seen online is here: http://www.nj.com/mercer/index.ssf/2012/07/animal-themed_party_at_west_wi.html.]
The Furry Fandom Nightmare Hi, I may not have a name for a Fursona and you may notice the words on top: "The Furry Fandom Nightmare" and yet this Question might not be meant to be public... But I may give it a shot. I am not very sure if this is a proper question, you do not have to post this or Answer, or both if you do not want to. Especially if this is a lot of misunderstanding info.. . . Ever heard about the news about this furry meeting party (NJ FurBQ) that there was possibly a certain behavior going on there? When I saw "all" the fear and the report, I was like "What is the big deal? Even if its true, what’s with all the fear over it? People probably was not hurt." And a lot of people in the Furry Fandom acted all burned with there "Fandom is not like this" (The whole Fandom isn't but part of it might be.) "We need to ban all these people!" "They need to keep their mouths shut about there sexual lives!" "We need to remove all the stuff that could be "offensive"!" "Sick!" And all the evidence talk like if it was a bad crime. (It made it look like a crime scene!) Its fear just because of fursuits I think. And all this crap I have seen for the past months going on. And I have to say: This is NOT how I picture a Open, Warming, Accepting Fandom. Ever sense the first time: I have never seen the fandom the same way for a long time. I think I know, it’s mainly to avoid something about society, but I don't think its the answer and think society is the one that needs to be more open about sexuality so all this fighting going on will end in a more better way. There was a lot of other crap I have seen, I don't want to explain all, its making this letter too long! I don't even know if this is a proper question, but I am going to try to make it one and connect it with above: The Question is, is the Furry Fandom ever going to be more TRULY open someday? Will people be able to be accepted Equal and not be forced to put expressions in private when yet, society gets to express thiers? Like I know people have a legal right, I think, but was wondering if in the future, all this fear and fighting wont come up after or something. Whenever I see talks about stuff (Like that NJ FurBQ) and I see all this fear going on, I get scared so bad about the future. It might make a lot of others and maybe me to stay more in the closet while other Furries get to come out. Maybe I miss understood something, but I kind of doubted it for this one. Anonymous * * * Dear Anonymous Furry, Your question provides Papabear with the opportunity to comment on the NJ FurBQ incident and everything to which it relates in the Fandom, so thank you. A little background: the NJ FurBQ is held twice a year (Memorial Day and Labor Day) at the Twin “W” Rescue Squad (a charitable organization) facility in New Jersey. It’s somewhere between a large furmeet and a furcon, offering fursuiting facilities, games, a bar, live DJs, and outdoor grills for noms, of course. Since Papabear was not at this FurBQ, I do not know what actually went on there (some furries claim it has been totally blown out of proportion, which I won’t deny as a possibility). For those of you who have been living under a rock and have not heard about it, supposedly what happened was that two fursuiters went off somewhere nearby and began yiffing (or, at least, passionately making out) in broad daylight. Some people, including park security, apparently, saw this and the shit hit the fan. The furry group involved has, rumors say, been banned from the facility (their website http://njfurbq.webs.com/ says nothing about it, so Papabear has no official word on the matter). There was a clip of the TV news story on YouTube, but it has been removed by the user for some reason. The story, whether true or not, hit a raw nerve. Why? That, my furiends, is a long story. Here is how Papabear understands it from talking to a number of people over the years, starting with some history: When the first big furcon, ConFurence 1990, was held in Costa Mesa, California, the organizers were concerned they would not get enough attendees, so they opened up the con to what were apparently some fairly sleazy people who were into some pretty kinky stuff (S&M, half-naked slaves on leashes, and such) and were not shy about showing off in public. The media got wind of this and the result was some negative publicity. Even though the next ConFurence considerably cleaned up its act, the damage had been done. Furries became increasingly shy and suspicious of the media after that. This was not helped by such things as the infamouse CSI episode “Fur and Loathing” http://www.csiseries.com/csi-season-4/csi-season-4-episode-5-fur-and-loathing/ which portrays furries only as people who like to have sex in fursuits. Here’s an interesting response to the video by a furry: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TRN7yPvUVhU. The policy of many furcons has been to ban or restrict the media. Here is Uncle Kage, chief organizer of Anthrocon, at the 2011 Anthrocon talking about the subject of the media and furries: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5HyMH7YXFM and http://www.youtube.com/watch?annotation_id=annotation_732134&v=OgVUzqw1LKc&src_vid=K5HyMH7YXFM&feature=iv. Kage asserts that furries are their own worst enemy, often embarassing themselves in front of the media, so it is best just not to talk to the media at all. He goes on to say we should refer to ourselves as people interested in cartoon animals (when talking to nonfurries) and to avoid describing ourselves by what we are not because that puts ideas in people’s heads (e.g. “We are not pedophiles” so people automatically have an image in their heads that we are pedophiles). Kage, as one can see from the video, is very suspicious of the media and feels that they will do anything to twist the story to make furries look like sex-obsessed deviants. Kage’s idea that the media should be excluded from furry events as much as possible is a bit of overkill, although such views have moderated somewhat over the years (see http://www.anthrocon.org/rules-conduct#media). Papabear’s mate has worked in the media for nearly 40 years, and he advises that keeping furcon doors closed to the media just arouses suspicion that something nasty is going on. Papabear agrees with Kage that we should not describe ourselves by what we are not, but we should also not be ashamed of ourselves and try and hide. Other cons also adopt policies that reveal how wary we are of the media. The FurtherConfusion official policy allows some restricted media access and also discourages con attendees from speaking to the media (http://www.furtherconfusion.org/2013/policies/press-policy); as another example, Midwest Furfest also requires media personnel to have a badge or they cannot conduct interviews or videotape anything (https://www.furfest.org/page/code). And Califur’s policy is even more restrictive: http://www.califur.com/2012/?page_id=127. To be fair, many conventions put restrictions on the media. Comic-con, for example, makes it very difficult to get a press pass. It is wide to not make a private convention into a free-for-all for the media, but an air of paranoia about TV and radio stations persists to this day. While it is true that there is some negative stuff out there, here is evidence that the media is not “out to get us.” They might not get everything right, but the stories below are certainly not malicious:
Also, the story in New Jersey (sorry I don’t have a link) was not all that negative, really. There are more stories out there, but that’s a good sample for you. Some, like G4TV, touch a bit on the kink, but certainly don’t obsess about it. It was not, by the way, difficult to find these more positive videos. Papabear believes it is high time we stop fearing the media so much. Okay, so that covers the media issue fairly well, I believe. Now, back to your question, which was why can’t the fandom be more “open.” Papabear takes this to mean “why can’t we be more open about the sexual nature of furry?” The answer is we can be a bit more open about it, but the problem lies in how we do it and how we handle society’s reaction to it. Papabear believes that, within the furry community, we are very accepting of our sexuality. Furries open their arms to people of all sexual orientations and practices. More than any other group of people, I feel that we are the least discriminating. Everyone is welcome, no matter the race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, nationality, or whatever. But we live in a much broader society, one that is not always accepting of people, especially those who do not conform to what is considered “normal,” which, in America anyway, means heterosexual, non-kinky sex practiced by married couples in hushed tones behind closed doors and only for the purposes of procreation (boring). Overt sexuality makes many Americans uncomfortable unless that overt sexuality is used to sell cars or beer or movie tickets or Carl’s Jr. jalapeno patty melts http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UGoVioteJk; then it is okay. To this bear’s mind, such attitudes about sex are twisted and neurotic in themselves, but that is what is accepted in this country. So, back to the New Jersey incident. You seem to think that people have the “legal right” to do what these furries are rumored to have done. In fact, you would be wrong about that. Public indecency laws are common throughout the country. It is not legal for you, for example, to go naked in a public park, and having sex in, say, a public toilet is also against the law. So, it is not your legal right to behave in such a way. The police had a right, therefore, to detain the two furries performing sexual acts in public (again, I’m not saying this happened for sure, but if it did, they could be arrested for it). Banning all furries from the park, if true, was an overreaction. The reaction to the FurBQ news, and calls for “banning” the accused furries who were involved in the supposed indecent behavior, is not a call to restrict furry sexuality but rather to do something to curtail such foolish behavior, or at least punish those who are seen as giving furries a black eye. That the furry fandom is so loosely and informally organized is why this cannot happen. There is no official furry body that can “kick someone out” of the furry fandom because you don’t have to belong to an organization to be a furry. Therefore, nothing can be done about these two furries, if, indeed, they did something at all. All the yelling on the Internet is a result of people’s frustration about not being able to act upon this. Papabear believes there are some things we could do to clean up our image, if we wanted. Here are some suggestions:
Whether or not something unseemly happened at the New Jersey FurBQ, it is clear to this bear that more can and should be done about furry image paranoia, both in how outsiders feel about us and how we ourselves behave in public in front of outsiders. It goes both ways. So, Anonymous, I hope that what I have written so far explains a bit why this was treated, right or wrong, as such a big deal. It sounds to Papabear like you feel you can’t be open and express yourself within the furry community. I think you are not really correct on that point. Among furries, you can be yourself, I truly believe that and encourage you to do that. I also believe that, with more time, we will gradually get over our fear of the media and such. It is already happening to a certain degree, but it will take time and patience. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
It's hard to say where the beginning really is with all of this, but I could use some direction. To summarize the past couple years, I made the mistake of not finishing my education, and went straight into a tech support job. It paid well, and I lived well for a couple of years, but the job fell through in a way in which I can't go back. I sought out a different direction and moved in with someone I'd fallen in love with, but that fell through rather painfully and abruptly as well. I ended up with no money, a single local friend, no job prospects, on the opposite end of the country from my family and support system, utterly heartbroken. This was a little under a decade ago, and I'm still picking up the pieces. I've managed to financially survive almost entirely on the love of my parents, and the pity of my friends. I'd held a few jobs for a few months, and moved in with my best friend from high school who is in the Navy. Unfortunately, after doing so, I was unable to find a job for a little over two years. Understandably, this has killed whatever confidence and self-respect I'd had, which I've always had a problem with. I have since found some seasonal employment, and work as a waiter at the moment, but I can barely make ends meet, and my mountain of debt continues to grow as I can't put anything into it. It's felt like I've been little more than a leech for the past decade. Another constant stress is the fact that I'm Christian, I'm bi, and the person I'd fallen in love with and moved in with was another man. Unfortunately everywhere I seem to turn I am condemned for my "choice". Condemned for being bi by my fellow Christians, condemned for my Christianity by my fellow furries and much of the lgbt community. It pains me to see people waving signs of hatred toward each other and realizing I'm a member of both groups. When things fell apart with the man I'd loved, I sought guidance from the Christian preachers and counselors around me, and the response was almost always "This is God punishing you for being romantically involved with another man." with the occasional "I don't think that's what God wants in your life." I've nearly stopped going to church by now, and never bring up my sexuality anymore with anyone connected to the church, though I try to live by the tenets of compassion, generosity, and forgiveness that I've been taught. The main problem with this is that my roommate is a homophobe, so I do my best to keep him from recognizing my sexuality. I know he'd try to accept it, but I don't think he has it in him to do so. I'm constantly terrified that he'll find out, and be so uncomfortable with it that he'll tell me we can't be roommates anymore. I have no other real options for where to live right now. To top it all off, my father passed away recently, and my mother is preparing to move into a retirement home. The pain of losing him still brings me to tears from time to time, and I'm horrified to realize that it essentially means I can't even move back in with my mother as she can barely support herself right now. I'm stuck here, and I have to make it work. If there is a silver lining in all of this, it's that the seasonal work I'd done was with Sea World, and it's awakened a passion within me for training dolphins. I'm just a scuba certification away from being qualified to be one, though I'm far from the ideal applicant. Still, being at the side of the pool, seeing my dolphin 'friends' pick me out of a crowd, come up to greet me and play with me, and sharing that experience with the people around me, has become my greatest source of sanity and comfort I've known. I know that I have a long and difficult road to becoming a trainer, and that the chances are slim that I'll be able to pull it off at all, but I know that every trainer there faced the same odds, the same problems (and sometimes worse) that I face, and didn't back down. That inspires me to continue down that path. I guess to summarize again, I have a mountain of debt, no education, limited real world skills, am terrified that my sexuality will become public, and lack any confidence in my own ability to make any of it work. I'm not sure what I can contribute to this world, if I even can at all. I could just use some tools to help me muddle through all of this and try to make some sense of it, and some encouragement that following this dream of mine is worthwhile. I'd love the support of people who've gone through something similar to what I've been through, and I'm sure there are hundreds of similar stories among the fandom and lgbt community. Some connection with a religious group that doesn't condemn my sexuality would also be wonderful. I've started some volunteer work with a wildlife rehabilitation group, which not only will help me feel like I'm contributing to this world, but also hopefully help me make some connections in the animal care and training circles. Mostly I need hope, and someone who can tell me "You have it in you to do this, keep going." I'm tired of hearing the opposite echoing through my head all the damn time. Thank you for your time, Twilight * * * Dear Twilight, I am sorry for your difficulties, but you, unlike many furries who write to me, have a beautiful possibility in your life. Twilight—for the love of all that is good and right in the universe, Papabear encourages you to do EVERYTHING you can to finish your training so that you can work at Sea World as a dolphin trainer. What a wonderful thing that would be!!! I must confess, I’m a little jealous of you :-) You have an amazing opportunity here! What you need to do now is focus on one thing at a time. When a person feels overwhelmed by a laundry list of troubles (money, love, family, job, school, friends etc. etc.) you become paralyzed. It is too much to handle all at once, so what people tend to do is freeze and do nothing, like a small animal trapped in a corner surrounded by predators. You may find, though, that if you start fixing one part of your life, other parts will follow. Let us say that everything goes well at Sea World. You get your SCUBA certification and you get hired as a full-time dolphin trainer. As you work on this (and I would devote myself heart and soul to a job like that, if I were you, and I think you’d agree), then, eventually, you will find your money worries starting to ease. You would gain self-respect and confidence because you are doing such a positive thing in your life. Once you start feeling better about yourself, you will begin to realize that people like those so-called Christians don’t know what the f--- they are talking about. They are just haters. Haters suck, especially those that don the holier-than-thou robes of the self-righteous. Ignore them. You have value, you have worth. Same goes for those who try to make you feel bad or discriminate against you for your sexuality. If they can’t deal with who you are, too bad for them. They are missing out on the opportunity to know a good person in their lives. As Papabear always says, distance yourself for the haters and negative people in your life, and find people in your life who will love and support you. This is an ongoing process and takes time, but there are plenty of people out there who would be happy to know a cool dolphin trainer who happens to be bi. I know I would. As for your sorrow losing your father, well, Papabear is sorry for that. We have all lost loved ones in our lives, and there is nothing much that can be said. You will have your time of mourning, but, again, you need to continue with your life and find new joys in the future. The pain will ease somewhat, but your life can remain rich having known the love of your father. Bear Hugs, Papabear * * * Dear Papabear, I want to thank you for you kind words. I will admit to feeling uneasy as I read them, as I often do when I get compliments. Even now, facing this again, I find myself sitting slightly numb in front of the computer, wanting to switch windows or not type at all. But I know that you meant them from the heart, and so I will honor that by allowing them to sink in. It is indeed such a wonderful possibility before me, and in the light of that, the other parts don't quite seem so bad. This does not mean, of course, that I should be frivolous with my money or that it's the most appropriate time to 'come out'; my time on the other side of the country has taught me to be careful with my plans. It does mean, though, that I have something to look forward to. I'm not just trying to make myself feel better with escapist dreams of training dolphins, it is a goal that I will not give up on. It is a worthy goal. I will focus on one thing at a time, yes. Scuba certification, and fill my time working on being a better swimmer. So, yeah, y'know, two things, but still... ;3 I actually had my first true volunteer shift working with animals yesterday, and got to feed some fledgling swallows, mockingbirds, and finches by hand. I caught myself feeling down earlier in the week, thinking that it was a silly dream that I wouldn't follow through with, until I started listing what I've done, and the path I'm on. I've never volunteered before, now I'm volunteering with animals. I'm taking a break from my weekly outings to save up for the certification. I'm studying the psychology and lingo of training in my spare time. Every action is a step closer. And, if you would like, I would be happy to share the milestones with you. You've certainly helped so far. I will also admit that I find it hard to condemn people, even the ones who condemn me. I can't just dismiss them or ignore them; in fact, I feel bad for them. They're people who are making a mistake, and as hard-headed as they may be in stubbornly clinging to that mistake, there is the potential for them to see the errors of their ways, and for them to heal the pain that they cause. Maybe I just have a soft heart, or watched too many Hallmark Christmas specials, but when part of me thinks "These people cannot truly be saved, they don't even want to be," another part of me is saying "No, you're the one giving up on them. You can't do that. There are people who never give up on you." Ironically, I think its my own Christian upbringing that instills that in me, the desire to forgive the same Christians that condemn me for my sexuality. Maybe you can offer a bit of insight on this, as I seem to be a bit stuck at that part. I won't dismiss them, but I feel like I can't change it either, so I feel stuck just taking their anger, and I know that can't be healthy. It feels like there's some simple step here that I'm missing, some basic principle I can't quite reach because I'm stuck feeling sorry for myself, and I'd really like to reach that next step. I'm just not sure what it is. In closing, I may splurge a bit, either once I've attained my certification or just before, and pick up something from Sea World. A small figurine, snow globe, or perhaps a necklace pendant. Something I can look at and say "I've found my bravery, my strength, and my resolve." Thank you, Papabear, for helping me to find it. Sincerely, Twilight * * * Dear Twilight, I'm so glad to help. Again, don't worry about everything at once, but focus as much as possible on your work with dolphins. Also, talk to your bosses there and ask them for guidance. Tell them what your goals are and ask them how you can best achieve them. As for the negative people in your life, Papabear may have been too dramatic. You don't necessarily have to cut them out of your life, and you don't have to stop loving them or having sympathy for them. What I was trying to say is that they are doing you psychological and spiritual harm, and your first priority at this time in your life needs to be protecting yourself and your sanity so that you can be a healthier person. Only then can you have the strength to then turn around and help others. It is like those safety drills they do on airplanes before a flight when they tell you that if the oxygen masks drop you FIRST put on your mask before assisting others. Same deal. I wish you luck and love, Papabear Hello Papabear
I have read some of your letters and while my problem is nowhere near as big as some of the ones you help people with I hope you can help me. In my collage class for the past two years there is a girl who I was with often as she knew I liked similar things. I myself am not a people person and prefer to be alone, but as the rest of the class found her 'too odd' or weird and I had been in a similar position when I was in younger schools I tried to put up with her and not get annoyed. This has gone on for two years where we would sit and talk about games and other things and I would always engage in the conversations. However she has decided not to go on to the third year of the course as its optional and will be dropping out. My problem is she has given me her number asking me to ring so we can still meet up. As I said I am not good with people and besides my mate (he’s male I’m in a straight relationship) and to be honest I don’t want to as I know she will keep ringing me and asking me to hang out but now I feel bad for thinking these things. Rudger * * * Dear Rudger, On the one paw, it was nice of you to befriend this person when no one else would, but now you are turning around and doing something quite cruel: you have misled this girl into thinking you were really her friend when you are not. By telling her—if you do so—that you don’t want her to call you because you’re not good with people or just don’t actually want her company, or whatever, you are teaching her that not only do most people not want to hang out with her but the people who pretend that they do are actually liars and she shouldn’t trust anyone anymore, even the ones who seem to extend a paw in friendship. So, you “feel bad” about the idea of telling her you don’t want to hang out anymore? You should. You want Papabear to give you a magic powder that will absolve you of your guilt? Better you should find a Catholic priest because Papabear doesn’t have any rosary beads on him. Rudger, if you don’t want to be a sociable furry and would rather live and exist in isolation, that’s fine. Papabear passes no judgment on that. But what you are about to do is really hurt someone with false kindness, which, in a way, is worse than just hurting someone outright because it is dishonest. Here are your options at this point: 1) since she’s no longer going to your school, you can simply ignore her and disappear like a sniveling coward; 2) you can tell her to her face what you have told me, which is at least honest, and tell her you are truly sorry but you just want to be by yourself and not socialize; or 3) you could actually try and remain this girl’s friend; after all, you said yourself you share some interests; you might even grow a bit and become a better person for doing so. Papabear hopes you pick option 3. Hello,
I came across this site with the help of another furry and I've read through a couple of the letters and advice and figured I might ask for some advice for myself. I've been having many problems lately, many many indeed. I've been having the most trouble with some that others laugh at or say there's nothing to them. Firstly, I'm depressed, paranoid, have abandonment issues and almost always feel alone. I have thought about suicide, but I could never pull myself to do it, I fear death too much. That's another problem I have, I don't just fear death, I fear it to the point when thinking about death and having everything abruptly end forever brings me to near mental breakdown, I end up freaking myself out, crying, or even wishing I would just not wake up, so I would never have to actually experience dying. I see death as everything just ending, done, over with. No afterlife, no reincarnation, no heaven nor hell. Just, not even nothingness, not the null, no limbo. All consciousness ends, forever. That's what I am scared of... Another problem is that I have no money. I have no job, no car, am practically in medical debt, live off of food stamps, live with my family still and I don't even have a sure place to stay if something goes wrong. My family is small, it's me, my grandmother and my cousins. My father is a drugged up alcoholic who wants nothing to do with his "Homo-fag son" and my mother is nowhere to be found (Last she was seen was in Texas), she never was a family person. If my grandmother dies, I'll end up on the streets because the house isn't even paid off yet. I live out in a Very Small place with only houses and the markets and places I could even try to work at are around a mile or more away. There's no one out here, I have no friends, all the people here are old and secretive, keeping to themselves always. I have no friends to help me out of this position either. All my old friends from Las Vegas have dropped contact and I have not met a single person out here. For 2 and a half years I have gone without being in the company of a friend, and it may go on longer... Some more of my problems comes from my erratic love life. I was untouched and unloved by someone outside of the family till I became 18, then a guy practically rushed me into a relationship. It was nice to feel love from someone else, but it ended in him breaking my heart, not once but twice. Every boyfriend I had after him was either just as rushed and hurtful, or had no love. One time I had a long distance relationship with a wonderful boy, but I ended us because we lived far apart, and it hurt him and me, but he was able to recover, stabilize and find another, then another, and so on, but the pain I felt lasted until now, and it continues to hurt, I feel it was the biggest mistake I've made with a person and I haven't recovered even now. Out of all my past mates I shouldn't feel anything towards them, but I do, and I still talk to one or two of them, rarely. Something that comes up often that hurts me and makes me mad at the same time is hearing that they're in a good relationship. I just feel it eat away at my soul for some reason. I'm currently in a long distance relationship with another guy, and it seems to be going decent, but I have doubts we will last, we already have had some altercations as well as we talk less and less... I know it's all a mess, but maybe you could help me, even if just a little, I would really appreciate it. Quez * * * Dear Quez, Papabear went through a phase where he was utterly afraid of death for the same reasons you cite. Fear of death is something that is more common in someone who is middle aged or older, such as yours truly, than a younger fur such as yourself, but it happens to younger folk as well. One of the biggest reasons we have religion is that people desperately wanted to understand what happens after death, and so they came up with concepts such as Heaven, Hell, and Purgatory. Later, science became more prominent as a way to explain the universe and the life within it. As people began to understand that humans are not the center of the cosmos, that disease is caused by things such as bacteria and viruses rather than demons, and that all things die, including stars and the universe, there was an upswelling of cynicism, agnosticism, and atheism. People began to view human beings as merely biological machines that eventually wear out and cease to function. Consciousness, individualism, and the soul are merely illusions when following this reasoning, and, once the person closes his or her eyes for the last time, that is all she wrote. Now, Quez, consider the source of both these theories: human beings. Unless you literally believe in the Bible and that people like Lazarus and Jesus came back to life, no human being has ever come back from the dead to tell people what it is like. Therefore, no one really knows what the truth is and what happens when we die. If you’re interested, though, this is how Papabear got over his fear of death. Papabear believes that each of us contains a piece of God or the Ultimate Spirit within us. You might call it a soul, or a spirit, or whatever you wish. This is not something physical that you can point to, it is something that belongs to the realm of Spirit to which we are all tied. The reason for the creation of the universe is to have a place where Spirit can reside, grow, and develop into a higher state of being. Each living thing that crawls, swims, flies, or walks upon the little chunks of rock and water scattered through the cosmos is experiencing, learning, and growing as part of this spiritual evolution. What we become by the end of our allotted time is what we take with us after death, each life’s experience becoming a building block of Spirit’s ultimate state of being with which we will all become reunited in the end. This is why it is important for us to lead kind and loving lives, so that when we die our contribution to Spirit will be a positive one. In the meantime, you have to live your life and not obsess about death. You mention two problems currently plaguing you: money and your love life. The former seems to be troubled mostly by family and location problems. You list so many problems that it is impossible for Papabear to tackle them properly in one letter, so I will begin by recommending you start seeking help outside the house. There are many government and private resources that may lend a hand, everything from government Social Services offices to religious groups to Boys Town (www.boystown.org) that you should look into. Start using the Internet as a resource to locate people who can help—and there ARE people out there willing to help, you just have to locate them. As for your love life, well, Papabear doesn’t have enough information from you to make a recommendation. Just saying that you have had repeated failed relationships without going into more detail about what was said or done between you and your boyfriends makes it impossible to diagnose the issue and recommend a solution. One thing I did get a hint at, however, by reading between the lines is that you might be backing out of relationships when arguments ensue, rather than trying to face any disagreements and working them out. Relationships take work. You can’t just drop yourself into a relationship and expect everything to be hunky dory and, if it isn’t, run the other direction. Sounds like you need to put a bit more effort into your romantic relationships. Good luck to you, Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
Recently I've been feeling the weight of everything in the past and present weighing down onto my shoulders and it's really doing a toll on my health. I've been loosing unnatural amounts of weight though I eat properly, sleep is out of the question, and my overall health is low. I'm hoping you can help me get over some of these hurdles. First off, I'm tired of being grown up. Back when I was a cub around the age of three my mother moved me into a very small apartment with my father. He would beat my mother and commit other abuses to me. I remember being forced to sleep in bodily fluids, being used as a maid, and being starved for days at times. But, honestly, I don't mind that part. I mind the fact that at the age of seven I had to myself move my mother and me out of the apartment and take care of her myself. The other part that bothers me is that I'm still acting as the parent to this day. In elementary school along with being stalked by my father I was cruely teased for acting more like an animal than a human, and for the weird way I walked. The bullies followed me into middle school where I was ridiculed for being Jewish, bisexual, and a furry. To this day I'm still extremely insecure with being myself. High school was where I met my first heart break, my molester, and lots and LOTS of fake friends. But I really expected all of it from the school. Currently, and this is where I need the most advice, I am dating a guy with mental issues. He has anger, control, and communication issues. Now, I am perfectly fine looking past it and working with him to overcome these issues but recently he has become extremely cruel to me (not meaning to, of course.) and I find it harder and harder to remember that he does have a disability. I love him and I know he loves me but every night it seems we find something to argue about. I was thinking maybe sitting down with him face to face to discuss my feelings and his but he's always busy with his different jobs and family matters. I'm not sure what to do. Everything listed above, no matter how fine I was with it happening at the time, has really begun to drag me into the depths of depression and self loathing. It seems no matter where I look no one can help me. My mothers a lard child, my boyfriend is to busy, and my friends, well, the ones that care just simply don't have enough power on their own. Papa Bear, I'm at a loss. I want to look up to bright sky's, enjoy the rest of the youth I have, and to feel like I'm purely loved but I'm finding it harder and harder to do each day. I simply don't know what to do. Hoping you can help, Bradley * * * Dear Bradley, You grew up in an abusive family environment and now are dating an abusive boyfriend. This is a common psychological phenomenon. You do this because you have grown up to believe that abuse = love. Hence, you "don't mind" that your current boyfriend is an abuser because you equate this with love and might actually find this attractive. And don't make excuses for him because he has "issues." That is no excuse for him to abuse you. You will not find happiness in your life, Bradley, until you remove the abusive people from your life. There are several organizations you can look into and contact about domestic abuse, including:
and many others. It is time for you to find happiness, Bradley, and that means escaping the environment of violence you are in. Please get yourself some help soon, hon. Hugs, Papabear Greetings Papabear,
Recently I have been having troubles with the friends I had. I was in a relationship within the friend circle, and we broke up cause she lost interest in me. The trouble was she said she wanted to keep the friendship. It took me 2 months to get over the love, but still care enough to be friends. It got to the point where she wouldn't tell me anything and I had to find out on her tumblr. But the friends I made during college wouldn't respond back or try to talk with me. They would post pictures about friends doing the initiative and I grew tired doing the initiative with no response. I took time to think about it, and a few close online friends showed me some truth. But even with all the help and stuff I still feel like its not fair that I gave so much for these people and only get the cold shoulder. Is it the right thing to stop caring about every friend I have and only cherish the close friends I have, or is there another way? --Shinjii * * * Dear Shinjii, One thing that a person learns over the years and with experience is there are friends and then there are friends. People used to call the shallow friends—the ones who are only by your side during the good times—“fair weather friends.” These are the ones who don’t support you when you are going through something stressful or even tragic, such as a relationship breakup or a death. They will also quickly turn on you for the slightest reason. Then there are the real friends. The ones who will always like you and talk to you and want to be with you, whether you are rich or poor, healthy or in the hospital, happy or sad. Papabear can’t tell you which is which in your life; you have to take that on a case-by-case basis. Your group of friends will change and evolve over time. New people will pop in and others will leave your circle. Papabear wouldn’t advise you to dump an entire crowd of friends all at once; you should talk to each one individually and find out where they really stand, whether that’s with you through thick and thin, or just with you when it convenient for them to do so. You’ll know which ones to drop. Hugs, Papabear Hi, Papabear,
Well, my mate and I have been mating and she seems to have problems reaching orgasm and other times I reach it fast. My question is what we can do to really enjoy sex? Lovely Cow * * * Dear Lovely Cow, As with anything else in a relationship, problems in the bedroom are best solved with communication. Your letter is really short, and thus undetailed, so Papabear will have to respond in general. The assumption I will make in my response is that both of you are in good physical and mental health, ruling out bad health as a possibility of her problems reaching a climax. Many people, especially at the beginning of a relationship in which sex has become a part, go to bed and start doing stuff to their partner that either they themselves enjoy or they think their partner will enjoy. When you do something with your partner that they don’t enjoy at that point, the partner can do one of a couple of things: 1) tell you right away something to the effect of, “Hey, I don’t really enjoy that,” 2) not say anything to the point that you think they actually DO like it, which can lead to misunderstandings down the road, or 3) not say anything but also make it pretty apparent they aren’t having a good time, leaving the first person thinking they are just a lousy lover. What is happening to you might be because you actually are not pleasing your mate, but she is too embarrassed to tell you so or doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. You need to talk about this in an open and frank conversation and discuss what both of you enjoy and do not enjoy. In this way, you will hopefully come to a nice understanding and it will greatly improve your bedroom experience. Hope this helps! Papabear Hello PapaBear,
I am a first time reader, I was sent here by FoxenaWolf on FA. I've read through a couple of your letters and responses and it seems like you have a lot of common-sense and a dash of reality, with enough sources to back up your help. Please understand I was in the military for four years, I served in Afghanistan, Iraq and Korea so my entire tour was overseas, I saw a lot of Horrid things over there. I will not go into details because I already have to relive them every night, no point sending them out onto the Internet. Now the horrid dreams are bad enough, and I think I have a handle on them, its just watching over my shoulder, carrying weapons, finding all the exits in a restaurant, sitting with my back against a solid object/wall with a clear line on the main entrance. Withdrawing from friends and family, Not trusting others, and the general sense that something is there waiting for me to let my guard down. That is only one of my issues the other is how I have to think about what I did, while in the service, the faces, names. And the wondering if I truly deserve to still be here. There were enough IEDs that lost me friends and TCs while I was driving that If I had just not reacted in time it would have been me instead of my friends and battle-buddies. I lost a lot over there and a few brass medals and a twisted mind are not what anyone should look forward to in coming home. Now I know you covered the 1-800-suicide in one of your other letters, and after being told how to "chin up and look on the bright side of things" and "it’s not all that bad is it?" and my favorite "I think you need to see a professional." I have stopped calling them, I see a psychologist once a week now, and I am on meds. Unfortunately The meds don't help anymore, the therapy is just digging into things I wish I could forget, and time and time again I end up talking myself out of something stupid. I guess I am writing this more as a "this is what I have to deal with," letter because there really is not much anyone can do to help. I did this to myself, I brought this on. I am responsible, and I am the one that will go to what ever "bad place" ones religion dictates. I hope you have a wonderful day papa bear. ~~Violet * * * Hi, Violet, Yours is a very moving letter. I have never served in the military, let alone seen action, so to say that I understand fully what you have gone through would be a transparent lie. I will not insult your intelligence by saying so. People who say "chin up" and "look at the bright side" don't know what you've been through, either. You also know about psychologists, counselors, help lines, and on and on. No doubt I wouldn't be telling you anything you don't already know if I threw out terms like "post-traumatic stress syndrome" and "survivor's guilt," both of which you clearly have. I do think, though, that you are placing too much blame on yourself. You did an extraordinarily brave thing serving your country overseas, allowing yourself to be shot at, putting your life and limb at risk daily, all so that you could defend the people you love at home. You should never have to apologize for that and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing. Your letter doesn't mention whether you have sought any help from a church, synagogue, temple, or other spiritual outlet. I believe that when one's spirit is troubled by such horrors as you have sought, it is very important to seek balance by trying to gain a broader, deeper, more fulfilling view of life and its true meaning. I am not trying to push a particular religious or spiritual path on you (I'm a pagan), but I do think you can find help by spiritual, rather than psychological means. Write me again if you would like to talk with me further on the subject. Bear Hugs, Papabear * * * Hello Papabear, I am of the Wicca Faith, Solitary Celtic Wiccan to be more precise. I came to my faith in the military, "There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole." I tried a lot of the recognized Religions that the military provided. Unfortunately with my current living position I have had to become a solitary Wiccan. The woods are nice up here but the thinking is even more backwoods. As you can probably guess, there are not too many covens, circles, or even fellow Wiccans that I can seek out. So I go by what I learned in the military, what little scripture I have and what small glimmers of truth I can dig out of the internet. You did manage to get one though, PTSD, I was diagnosed shortly after leaving the military, then while "treating" me for PTSD it came to light that I am also Suffering DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder, caused in part by what I had to go through. Unfortunately because the military states that DID was not entirely caused by them, which causes quite a few issues. It seems like every doctor I see wants to run tests, and journals, and the like to make sure I do have DID and PTSD, it’s almost as if they do not believe themselves or me. There has never been any talk to Survivor's guilt though, and you could be right that I am suffering from it. I will have to bring it up when I see my doctor again. I thank you for the suggestions and the time it took for you to respond to me. I hope the information I have provided is insightful and helpful. I hope to hear from you soon. ~~Violet * * * Merry Meet, Violet, I'm glad you found a faith to believe in, and I hope it brings you some comfort. Wicca is actually the fastest growing faith in the United States, and I've heard that it could become the third largest in the country soon. You must be pretty isolated, but have you tried meeting other Wiccans online? Or perhaps even starting your own coven? I would encourage you to keep exploring this aspect of your life. I did not know about your DID, of course. Did you have it before you were in the military? If not, it could easily have been started by your traumatic experiences there. Don't get me started about our medical community. Too many times doctors do not believe their patients (you know your body and your issues better than any doctor, and you know when you are not feeling right). Also, if you are getting treatment from military doctors, or other government doctors, they might be reticent to diagnose you because then you would be eligible for monetary aid. Does this violate the Hippocratic Oath? Yes, but doctors don't seem to take it very seriously these days. I agree it is a good idea to talk to your therapist about survivor's guilt. It seemed pretty apparent to me from your first letter. Is there anything else I can help you with? Hugs, Papabear * * * Merry Meet Papabear, I thank you for corresponding with me, it has helped, and given me some ideas. I had thought about meeting fellow Wiccans online but one must be careful now-a-days, if you know what I mean. With my aforementioned life-style starting a coven would not be a good idea I think, too much pressure and way to many new people. But one never truly knows till they try. I did not have DID, as such, before the military I did have a rough childhood, which doctors are trying to pin my aforementioned issues on. But the worst of my life so far was the military. I know what you mean about doctors now-a-days, I have to see V.A. Doctors and they are some of the worst, they do exactly what they HAVE to in-order for the patient to get out of their office. I thank you again for your time and energy, and I will take your ideas to heart and act as I see fit on them. Let’s hope things start to look up for me, there is only so far one can go downhill before they just slide to the bottom. Merry meet, merry part, and merry meet again Papabear. ~~Violet |
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