A False Friend

Hello Papabear

I have read some of your letters and while my problem is nowhere near as big as some of the ones you help people with I hope you can help me.

In my collage class for the past two years there is a girl who I was with often as she knew I liked similar things. I myself am not a people person and prefer to be alone, but as the rest of the class found her 'too odd' or weird and I had been in a similar position when I was in younger schools I tried to put up with her and not get annoyed. 

This has gone on for two years where we would sit and talk about games and other things and I would always engage in the conversations. However she has decided not to go on to the third year of the course as its optional and will be dropping out.

My problem is she has given me her number asking me to ring so we can still meet up. As I said I am not good with people and besides my mate (he’s male I’m in a straight relationship) and to be honest I don’t want to as I know she will keep ringing me and asking me to hang out but now I feel bad for thinking these things. 

Rudger

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Dear Rudger,

On the one paw, it was nice of you to befriend this person when no one else would, but now you are turning around and doing something quite cruel: you have misled this girl into thinking you were really her friend when you are not. By telling her—if you do so—that you don’t want her to call you because you’re not good with people or just don’t actually want her company, or whatever, you are teaching her that not only do most people not want to hang out with her but the people who pretend that they do are actually liars and she shouldn’t trust anyone anymore, even the ones who seem to extend a paw in friendship.

So, you “feel bad” about the  idea of telling her you don’t want to hang out anymore? You should. You want Papabear to give you a magic powder that will absolve you of your guilt? Better you should find a Catholic priest because Papabear doesn’t have any rosary beads on him.

Rudger, if you don’t want to be a sociable furry and would rather live and exist in isolation, that’s fine. Papabear passes no judgment on that. But what you are about to do is really hurt someone with false kindness, which, in a way, is worse than just hurting someone outright because it is dishonest.

Here are your options at this point: 1) since she’s no longer going to your school, you can simply ignore her and disappear like a sniveling coward; 2) you can tell her to her face what you have told me, which is at least honest, and tell her you are truly sorry but you just want to be by yourself and not socialize; or 3) you could actually try and remain this girl’s friend; after all, you said yourself you share some interests; you might even grow a bit and become a better person for doing so.

Papabear hopes you pick option 3.