I came across this site with the help of another furry and I've read through a couple of the letters and advice and figured I might ask for some advice for myself.
I've been having many problems lately, many many indeed. I've been having the most trouble with some that others laugh at or say there's nothing to them.
Firstly, I'm depressed, paranoid, have abandonment issues and almost always feel alone. I have thought about suicide, but I could never pull myself to do it, I fear death too much. That's another problem I have, I don't just fear death, I fear it to the point when thinking about death and having everything abruptly end forever brings me to near mental breakdown, I end up freaking myself out, crying, or even wishing I would just not wake up, so I would never have to actually experience dying. I see death as everything just ending, done, over with. No afterlife, no reincarnation, no heaven nor hell. Just, not even nothingness, not the null, no limbo. All consciousness ends, forever. That's what I am scared of...
Another problem is that I have no money. I have no job, no car, am practically in medical debt, live off of food stamps, live with my family still and I don't even have a sure place to stay if something goes wrong. My family is small, it's me, my grandmother and my cousins. My father is a drugged up alcoholic who wants nothing to do with his "Homo-fag son" and my mother is nowhere to be found (Last she was seen was in Texas), she never was a family person. If my grandmother dies, I'll end up on the streets because the house isn't even paid off yet. I live out in a Very Small place with only houses and the markets and places I could even try to work at are around a mile or more away. There's no one out here, I have no friends, all the people here are old and secretive, keeping to themselves always. I have no friends to help me out of this position either. All my old friends from Las Vegas have dropped contact and I have not met a single person out here. For 2 and a half years I have gone without being in the company of a friend, and it may go on longer...
Some more of my problems comes from my erratic love life. I was untouched and unloved by someone outside of the family till I became 18, then a guy practically rushed me into a relationship. It was nice to feel love from someone else, but it ended in him breaking my heart, not once but twice. Every boyfriend I had after him was either just as rushed and hurtful, or had no love. One time I had a long distance relationship with a wonderful boy, but I ended us because we lived far apart, and it hurt him and me, but he was able to recover, stabilize and find another, then another, and so on, but the pain I felt lasted until now, and it continues to hurt, I feel it was the biggest mistake I've made with a person and I haven't recovered even now. Out of all my past mates I shouldn't feel anything towards them, but I do, and I still talk to one or two of them, rarely. Something that comes up often that hurts me and makes me mad at the same time is hearing that they're in a good relationship. I just feel it eat away at my soul for some reason.
I'm currently in a long distance relationship with another guy, and it seems to be going decent, but I have doubts we will last, we already have had some altercations as well as we talk less and less...
I know it's all a mess, but maybe you could help me, even if just a little, I would really appreciate it.
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Papabear went through a phase where he was utterly afraid of death for the same reasons you cite. Fear of death is something that is more common in someone who is middle aged or older, such as yours truly, than a younger fur such as yourself, but it happens to younger folk as well.
One of the biggest reasons we have religion is that people desperately wanted to understand what happens after death, and so they came up with concepts such as Heaven, Hell, and Purgatory. Later, science became more prominent as a way to explain the universe and the life within it. As people began to understand that humans are not the center of the cosmos, that disease is caused by things such as bacteria and viruses rather than demons, and that all things die, including stars and the universe, there was an upswelling of cynicism, agnosticism, and atheism. People began to view human beings as merely biological machines that eventually wear out and cease to function. Consciousness, individualism, and the soul are merely illusions when following this reasoning, and, once the person closes his or her eyes for the last time, that is all she wrote.
Now, Quez, consider the source of both these theories: human beings. Unless you literally believe in the Bible and that people like Lazarus and Jesus came back to life, no human being has ever come back from the dead to tell people what it is like. Therefore, no one really knows what the truth is and what happens when we die.
If you’re interested, though, this is how Papabear got over his fear of death. Papabear believes that each of us contains a piece of God or the Ultimate Spirit within us. You might call it a soul, or a spirit, or whatever you wish. This is not something physical that you can point to, it is something that belongs to the realm of Spirit to which we are all tied.
The reason for the creation of the universe is to have a place where Spirit can reside, grow, and develop into a higher state of being. Each living thing that crawls, swims, flies, or walks upon the little chunks of rock and water scattered through the cosmos is experiencing, learning, and growing as part of this spiritual evolution. What we become by the end of our allotted time is what we take with us after death, each life’s experience becoming a building block of Spirit’s ultimate state of being with which we will all become reunited in the end.
This is why it is important for us to lead kind and loving lives, so that when we die our contribution to Spirit will be a positive one.
In the meantime, you have to live your life and not obsess about death. You mention two problems currently plaguing you: money and your love life. The former seems to be troubled mostly by family and location problems. You list so many problems that it is impossible for Papabear to tackle them properly in one letter, so I will begin by recommending you start seeking help outside the house. There are many government and private resources that may lend a hand, everything from government Social Services offices to religious groups to Boys Town (www.boystown.org) that you should look into. Start using the Internet as a resource to locate people who can help—and there ARE people out there willing to help, you just have to locate them.
As for your love life, well, Papabear doesn’t have enough information from you to make a recommendation. Just saying that you have had repeated failed relationships without going into more detail about what was said or done between you and your boyfriends makes it impossible to diagnose the issue and recommend a solution. One thing I did get a hint at, however, by reading between the lines is that you might be backing out of relationships when arguments ensue, rather than trying to face any disagreements and working them out. Relationships take work. You can’t just drop yourself into a relationship and expect everything to be hunky dory and, if it isn’t, run the other direction. Sounds like you need to put a bit more effort into your romantic relationships.
Good luck to you,
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