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Hey Papa Bear,
Here in Ho Chi Minh City, everyone is poor lol, but I recently noticed that all the furries I see tend to be really rich. Like, they are buying everything they see in the mall, at street stands, at the Ben Thanh market, everywhere! I guess I was just wondering.... How do you furries make all these damn dong (Vietnamese dollars for y'all Yankees)?! Like, are y'all computer programmers? NASA engineers? Facebook marketers? I don't understand. In my small village (Da Nang), everybody farms papaya or banana or another tropical fruit, and we don't make shit for cash, bruh. HELP ME. WHERE DOES THE MONEY COME FROM???? I want one of those fancy fursuits with the fans and the scent emiters and the sexy butt plugs that are also tails.... Anyway, thanks, Papabear, I love you and I want to get CRACKED by a BIG BEAR ASAP XD (you know what I'm saying....) Love you, big guy. Sincerely, VietTiger (age 22) * * * Hi, VietTiger, Are these furries tourists or are they Vietnamese furries? I'm not too clear on that point. If they are tourists from the USA, Canada, and Europe, then they probably have more cash on hand than your average Vietnamese person. Also, if they are tourists, right away it means they have the cash available to travel across the globe, which means they have money to buy stuff for fun. If you mean that you are watching furries from other countries online, then these are also likely to be people from the U.S. and Europe/U.K. because that is where the majority of furries live. Again, they will tend to have more cash than a Vietnamese citizen. The average Vietnamese makes about $US 320 per month; the average American makes about $US 5,000 monthly. When it comes to American citizens (let's stick with those for now, since it is the population with which I am most familiar), you will find income levels ranging from quite poor to very well-to-do people. Furries work all kinds of jobs from minimum-wage service jobs to high-tech jobs, academic positions, and people in the sciences. Yes, many furries work in IT fields, and, indeed, the running joke is that "Furries run the Internet." Many furries are very much into high tech work, while others are very artsy, and still others are both techy AND artsy. For some information on furry incomes, check out this link: 1.5 Income - Furscience. And here is some data on furry employment: 1.6 Employment - Furscience Meanwhile, back in Vietnam, yes, many people work in agriculture. While you earn less, you also don't have to spend as much to get by. If a person makes about $1,200 a month in Vietnam, they can live very comfortably; in the USA, you need about five times that to be comfortable. So, let's get to the core of what you're really asking, which, I believe, is something like, "How can I buy a fursuit (and other furry stuff) when I live in Vietnam and don't make a lot of money?" I have a couple of ideas that might lower costs for you:
Don't be too envious of Americans, by the way. We are on the precipice of a hard economic downturn that will plunge us into a recession or depression soon. The U.S. economy is dying, thanks to the Orange Turd and his followers, and as the country falls apart, you won't be seeing many furries spending lots of money anymore. Those days may very well be gone soon. If you have a good internet connection in Da Nang, you might consider exploring the virtual reality world of VRchat and SecondLife. While fursuits will likely be popular for a long time, the solution for many furries who can't afford furcons or getting suits made is to create an avatar for the online world. While furries are still to be found in SecondLife, increasingly, it is VRchat that is becoming the preferred place to be a virtual furry. The big difference between SecondLife and VRchat is that VRchat offers a 3D experience, but you can only do that if you have VR goggles (about $300 and up). Now, you don't HAVE to have the goggles to be in VRchat, but most people do.
I hope this helps you, at least a little. Remember, you can be a furry and not own a fursuit. The majority of furries are without fursuit. You can explore drawing, gaming, writing, or simply social networking and text RPGs. There are a lot of options to have fun in the furry fandom. Good Luck! Bear Hugs! Papabear P.S. *I blush at your compliment*
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Dear Papabear,
I recently lost my job, and I’m struggling more than I know how to explain. I had a real passion for it, and it was something I worked very hard to gain. For once, I felt like I was on the right track, building something, making progress. It gave me purpose, momentum, a reason to believe I was finally doing something worthwhile with my life. And now it’s gone, I wasn't cut out for it, I found it way too difficult and they got rid of me because I wasn't capable of keeping up with it. Since losing it, I feel like I’ve screwed up everything. Not just my job, but my whole future. I keep thinking: what if this was my only shot? What if I’ve made myself unemployable? I'm scared that I’ve made the wrong choices, that I’ve let people down, and that I’ve ruined something I worked so hard for. I feel like I’ve failed before I ever really got started, and that I've somehow screwed my life up this much. To make things harder, my boyfriend from the US is dealing with depression. And I love him a lot. But I feel so helpless. I can tell he’s in pain, and I want to help him, and show him he's not alone. It's like I'm watching the life slowly get sucked out of someone and it makes me feel like I’m crumbling too. I can barely get through the day myself, and that makes me feel like I’m failing him as well. I want to be his safe place, but I can’t even be my own right now. Then there’s this pressure I've started to carry around constantly ever since I hit 25, I just feel different now. My cousin’s already a dad. He has a house, a job, a family. Meanwhile, I feel like I’m still trying to figure out how to stand up straight. I start asking myself: am I wasting time? Should I be more focused on getting my life “together”? Am I being foolish for trying to make a long-distance relationship work while everything else is falling apart? Am I *ever* going to make any of this work or is this just a pipe dream that I need to let go of? Some days I think: maybe I’m just not cut out for this. Maybe I’ve been lying to myself about what I’m capable of and I don’t know what direction to go in anymore. I don’t want to give up, but it’s hard to find hope when everything feels so heavy and uncertain. I guess I’m just asking: what do I do from here? * * * Dear Glyn, Everyone in this world will experience a unique journey of some kind. No two lives will be the same, so the first thing you need to do is absolve yourself of the onus that your life should be like someone else's. Just because you don't have a job right now, aren't married with kids and a mortgage, and doing all the things society says are measures of "success" doesn't mean you are lost. You haven't "screwed up" just because you have had some setbacks. Indeed, for all you know, losing that job might turn out to be a blessing. What if you had stayed in that job, doing what was expected of you, working the weekly grind, paying your taxes, etc., and because you were doing that you never discovered that your real talent lay somewhere else entirely? Maybe now you have an opportunity to explore other options. So, first lesson above was "Don't compare yourself to others, and don't compete with them." Second lesson is to put aside what is expected of you and try to explore what you really want to do. You write that you had a passion for that job, but your bosses apparently felt you were struggling too much to keep up. That might be because they were poor managers and gave you too much to do, or it might be that you really couldn't manage the job. If the former is the case, then perhaps you can find similar work with another company and do better there; if the latter is the case, then it may be time to explore other career paths. You are far from unique in switching careers. In fact, it is the norm. Check out this article, for example, which states, among other things, that the average person will change careers 7 times and hold 12 different jobs. The fact that you are 25 and just changing careers for the first time probably even puts you below the curve. So, you lost one job. That's okay. You haven't let anyone down; pretty much everyone loses a job at some point in their lives. You only let others down if you stop trying. Don't give up. You have options. You could look for temporary work in various fields to see what might suit you; you could hire a career counselor; you could go back to school; you could start freelancing in your field of choice and become self-employed. I assure you, that job you lost was not your only shot. You are young and have a LOT of living yet to do. As for your long-distance boyfriend--yes, LDRs are very challenging; yes, if you're not in a good place yourself, it is much more challenging to help others. Just as with the job, though, you're putting too much pressure on yourself. It is not up to you to solve your boyfriend's problems with depression. All you need to do--and all anyone should expect you to do for someone you care about--is be there and listen. That's what relationships are about: leaning on each other in bad times and celebrating good times. You are struggling and so is he. This is a time when you are both lucky enough to have a sympathetic and loving ear to speak to, a shoulder to cry on. Let him talk to you, and you, in turn, should talk to him and share your troubles. You can even cry together. That makes for a beautiful and compassionate relationship, knowing the two of you can be there for each other. That's the job you signed up for. You're not necessarily a "fixer." You're a friend and a confidante. Fortunately, modern tech makes that possible even when you are thousands of miles apart. You can do a video chat on WhatsApp and it's almost like being there. As long as you are there for him to listen and care, you are not failing him. Our modern society often acts like life is a race towards a goal and if you're not in peak condition and running as fast as you can, you're letting down your team. Bullshit. Life is not a race. It's a dance. The purpose of the dance isn't to cross the ballroom floor and exit the room; it's to enjoy the movement, the graceful circles, dips, and sways, which are all the more fun if you have a partner but can be awesome even as a solo (with a nod to Alan Watts). You were not put on this earth to have a career, build a family, buy a house, and hoard money for retirement. While some of those might be involved in the dance, none of them are essential. No, the purpose of life is to discover your humanity and the awesomeness of creation and of life. Other than that, the only necessary things are eating, sleeping, breathing, and excreting waste. Stop trying to achieve goals and fulfill expectations and learn to simply live. Bear Hugs, Papabear This is not so much a question as an update to an update, and a sign for others to not give up hope.
Fifteen years ago, I left a relationship that was highly toxic and borderline abusive. I resolved to enjoy myself in all sorts of ways, and I wrote asking if this was normal or if I was overreacting. Not long after that, the Universe dropped a Dragon in my lap. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. We are still going strong nearly twelve years on. We now live together, with two other roommates, in an almost frighteningly harmonious arrangement. It helps that we're all mature, sane adults with similar interests, and the other two are a couple who have been together even longer than I and my Dragon. It's not perfect, it takes work from all of us in concert, but it is a comfortable and equitable arrangement for all of us. Never say never, and don't stress out if you don't find The One©. Life's what happens while you're busy making other plans. Stilghar * * * Hi, Stilghar, Thanks for the happy news update! Papabear Hi Papabear,
Since 3 years ago I noticed that I haven't done anything with my life. The only things I do are home school, piano, gaming, and drawing. I don't have any friends, except a few from a big online gaming platform. Here recently I've been wanting to join a forum, like one for people who are also interested in the furry hobby, and I ask you if you know of anything good. I was originally on FA (not a great site for minors; I was 13) and I didn't like the site, but that was the only one I knew. I would be looking for friends in real life, but I don't go out much. Love too, though. I'm not that great at writing, so I'm going to leave it off there. One extra question though: Does dragnuki sound good as a combo word of dragon and tanuki? Fern the Dragon Tanuki * * * Hi, Fern, I think that the safest places for you right now at your age would be mainstream social media such as Facebook that restricts porn and other adult stuff. For example, on Facebook there is a group called Clean, Straight Furries ((2) Clean, Straight Furries | Facebook) that should be quite safe. I believe they are fine with minors joining, and they are fine with LGBTQ people despite the title of the group (I'm a member despite being gay). There are over 5,000 members in that group, so it should be a pretty safe place to start. As for "not doing anything with your life," you're only 16, so give yourself a break. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate, including school, piano, art, and gaming. Since you're home schooled, you probably spend a bit too much time at home. I would recommend you try to find some outside activities of some kind, whether that is sport, charity work, or simply finding a social club of some sort. You need to get out of the house more, I think, and online furry activities will not help much with that. It's much easier to make friends if you're actually meeting people face-to-face in the real world. As to the last question, yes, dragnuki sounds like a portmanteau of dragon and tanuki. There's nothing wrong with that. Hope that helps! Stay Fuzzy! Papabear Hello, Papabear,
Is it a furry if a human uses transformation by nanotechnology to morph into anthropomorphic animals? Uses digital construct nanotechnology? Skorge * * * Hi, Skorge, What an interesting question :) Thanks for posing it. Traditionally, a furry is simply an anthropomorphized animal. This can mean anything from feral critters that communicate and express emotions like humans but who live mostly like animals (e.g. Watership Down) to bipedal characters that are very human in the society they live in and in being bipedal and acting human in every way. But, even early in the fandom, it could also mean aliens that have animalistic forms or mythological creatures that talk and think like humans. Usually, these furry characters take whatever form they are in from birth, we assume. But, of course, there are also many transformation stories. Transformations (from human to animal, but also at times the reverse) commonly occur with the use of some kind of magical spell or other. This goes back to ancient mythological tales to modern literature and TV/film stories (e.g. Turning Red). Another method of transformation is through the use of science. This can be a slow process (e.g. H.G. Wells' The Island of Dr. Moreau, the "Uplift" sci-fi novels by David Brin), or it can be a quick process (the "Animorphs" books in which an alien gifts five youngsters the power to turn into animals). The Animorphs books, in fact, use the premise that this transformation is accomplished through the use of advanced nanotechnology. I think it's pretty safe to say that Animorphs qualifies as being a fiction series that falls under the umbrella of furry fiction. High-tech stuff is increasingly popular in the modern fandom. Cyborg tech has led to the creation of protogens and primagens, for example. I have also been seeing fursonas in the fantom that are 100% robots that take on animal shapes. In summary, one can say that a furry character is pretty much any non-human being that has an animal form. Whether this is achieved by natural biology, magical forces, or advanced technology doesn't really matter. A long time ago, there was a debate among those in the early fandom whether to call ourselves furries or anthros. Furries won, but I kind of wish they hadn't because "furry" only describes anthros that are covered in fur (or, at least, hair), and that never applied to all anthros (e.g. reptiles, avians, fish...). And now, with the increasing number of cybertronic "furries," it is even less apt to call ourselves "furries." But that is how language works. Kind of like the name Holy Roman Empire, which was not an empire, wasn't Roman, and certainly wasn't holy. That's just how things go sometimes, but I digress. To answer your question: yes, you can call an anthropomorphic animal that becomes such through the use of nanotech a "furry." And if people object, that's their problem. Don't let people gatekeep you. Have a Happy Day! Papabear I did not receive this in a letter, but it is a hugely important video that expresses Papabear's views about society's manipulation of people through guilt in order to maintain power (often through organized religions). It is a must-see. Truer words have never been put into a video. Hello, Papabear,
I'm a polytherian and otherkin. How do you deal with species dysphoria? I always feel like my skin is too tight or that I'm supposed to not have legs but a seal tail. I'm really struggling with this. Sharkie (age 11) * * * Dear Sharkie, Because you wrote to me via a school server in Australia, I can't reply directly to you (school servers block unknown IP addresses), so I will post this on my website and hope you see it there. While psychologists would call this "species dysphoria" and say that it is a psychological disorder needing treatment, therians and otherkin would say it's just another day at the office. Also, there are some furries who are not therians or otherkin who have experienced the same thing. Anyway, based on your letter, you sound like a selkie, which is a being who can be in either seal or human form. If you're polytherian, then I guess you must have other forms as well? Including a shark, I gather.... There are several kinds of dysphoria, as you probably know. Along with species dysphoria, there is the familiar gender dysphoria that has been in the news a lot of late. But there is also social dysphoria (the feeling you don't belong in various social situations because you feel your identity as a person doesn't match what it should be) and body dysphoria (the dissatisfaction with what your body looks like). My belief--though I don't really see this mentioned in psych papers--is that species and body dysphoria are closely linked. Again speaking from a psychological point of view, dysphoria in its various forms may be caused by anxiety, depression, personal trauma, or other negative experiences that make you feel detached in some way from your body and personality. Dissociation is a type of coping mechanism. For example, the feeling that "If I am not actually that human girl who is suffering so much, then I am not truly the person being harmed, which means I can cope with it sort of like watching a TV show in which a character is experiencing a bad situation and I'm just a member of the audience." The "treatment," following this logic, is to find some professional assistance to help you manage and cope with the trauma you are experiencing. Once that feeling of distress and anxiety is eased because the cause is addressed, then it makes sense that the dysphoria should also ease if not vanish altogether. Okay, so there's the psychology. Now let's talk some spirituality. I don't know how much you read my column, but I have expressed before my belief that we in this life are living in a shell that is not actually us but merely a kind of fleshy garment we wear in order to better navigate this reality. What we truly are is not an individual of the Homo sapiens species. That's just for now. I also think that when we "die," it is just the shell that perishes. The being we truly are continues. There is no real death. And it is very possible we have lived other lives and will live other lives in the "future" (if there is such a thing as "time," which is another item open for debate). So, it might be, Sharkie, that you once were a seal or sea lion (and you have some dim memory of that life) or, perhaps, you desire to be one in the next life. So, why are you not one now? Some people believe that before we are born on this planet we, for some reason we don't recall, chose to be this particular individual in this particular form. We felt we had something to learn by doing so, or perhaps something to give, something to do, that was best done as a human being rather than as some kind of pinniped or fish. Therefore, Sharkie, you need to live out this life to do what needs to be done in the here and now. (Unless you really are a selkie, in which case you should see if you can locate some selkie and related otherkin online and hang out with them some for a bit of comfort and camaraderie.) As someone who is just 11 years old, you have much growing and self-exploration to do yet. Don't panic that you are having a bit of a topsy-turvy time of it right now. That's normal as you transition from childhood to adulthood (and beyond). You're okay. Just try to be yourself and remember that you are more than just your body. You are spirit. You are mind. You are a sentient being exploring the universe. All will be well. Bear Hugs, Papabear Hello, Papabear,
It's been a long time since I wrote you, and last time I did I would have been referred to as my old fursona name of Kumori Urufu. As someone that had changed the design of Kumori multiple times, and then finally back in 2021 changing my fursona to a different character entirely, my question is more of a personal opinion one. What is your opinion on those that either have multiple fursonas or change sonas after some time with a previous one? I await your reply. From a curious jex * * * Dear Troy, Hello again :) and thanks for your question. What is my opinion of those who change their fursona or have multiple fursonas? Like most everything else in the fandom, there really are no rules, so first of all I would say, "Do whatever you like with your fursona." That said, if you want my opinion as to why people have different fursonas, one has to approach it from two different angles. For those furries for whom the fursona is basically just an avatar for gaming and online socializing, it makes sense that they might have multiple fursonas or change their fursona character as the situation merits. For example, perhaps they use a warrior wolf when they feel like playing a medieval RPG in a wartime kingdom, but they switch to a sexy femme fox when they are flirting with someone in VRchat. In other words, they treat fursonas rather like clothing: you've got your work clothes, your play clothes, your going-out-to-a-fine-restaurant clothes, and so on. Or, if they stick with one fursona at a time, they might just switch from one fursona that they use a lot in a WoW account, but later they lose interest in that game and start focusing on creating a private world in SecondLife and adopt, say, a deer fursona who is a SL real estate developer and have fun with that for a couple of years. In other words, these are furries who aren't really emotionally attached to their alter egos. Then you have the furries for whom fursonas are very personal. They, too, might have many fursonas, but these fursonas are more personal expressions of themselves than mere avatars. This makes sense in the same way that normies often adopt different public facades depending on their environment. When you are at work at, say, a board meeting, you would act very businesslike and formal; when you are on a date with a new potential love interest, you put on your best social persona; when you are visiting a judgmental family for Christmas dinner, you might act like Mommy and Daddy's good little boy or girl; and so on. Normie people do this, so it shouldn't be surprising that furries do it too. And it doesn't mean these personalities are "fake," they are just different aspects of the same person. The other situation is when fursonas evolve and change over time. This is quite often true of people who enter the fandom at a young age and participate for many years. Fursonas change as you change. I don't know about you, but I bet you are a far different person now then you were at, say, 14. I, for example, was very much into fantasy novels when I was a teen and twenty-something. I even wrote a fantasy novel that was published, for Pete's sake. I was very into dragons, and I had a collection of dragon miniatures that was quite something, if I may say so. Now, I didn't know about the fandom back then (this is the 1970s and 80s), but if I had, my fursona definitely would have been a dragon. Later, I mostly left the fantasy dragon hobby behind as I became more active in the gay community--specifically, the bear community, so naturally my fursona is a bear now. I believe that many people--especially the young, but also older furries--struggle with figuring out who they are, and their fursonas can be a reflection of this. I also think that fursona experimenting and role play are useful psychological tools for people to safely and constructively explore who they really are as they break away from familial and social constraints through an imaginary world of furries. This is not escapism. Nay, it is a really healthy journey for many people IMHO, and it is one of the things that makes the furry fandom superior to other fandoms that are more limiting in what you can do (e.g., if you are a Star Wars fan, you're probably just going to choose between being a Jedi or Sith warrior--ho hum--and don't forget not to violate copyright! LOL!) The furry world is much more creative, and it is also much more conducive (again, my opinion) to exploring sexual and gender identity in particular, a truism that goes all the way back to Bob Hill and his Vawlkee and Clementine characters. So, if you want to change your fursona, do so. It's not only "allowed," it's totally normal and expected. Have fun and stay furry! Papabear Hey there, PapaBear,
First, I wanted to say thank you for answering my ambitious question earlier in the year. This will be a bit more serious. Just to warn you, I'll be venting and sharing my strange, probably incoherent, and impulsive feelings. I hope you don't mind. I'll talk to my therapist about this, too. All right, here it goes.... I have the feeling that the Fandom will fully disown me for everything I've done, including those I trust the most, too. I've been thrown under the bus so many times of my own accord through my own selfish, impulsive behaviors. I don't even know why I try anymore to be someone special in the Fandom. Sure, I may be autistic and have impulsive thoughts, but I think that facade has rotted way past the threshold. I don't think I'll ever be welcomed in the Fandom because of what I've done and who I associate with. Frankly, I haven't seen the need to keep trying to fit in when I know I'll just blow it up again. The thing is, this isn't really a new issue, either. I used to avoid the Fandom like it was something I shouldn't be doing or associating with, all because I didn't know any better about furries and what they actually do. Even after my admittance to the fandom, things were always rather rocky for one reason or another. I sometimes wish I had a better experience overall where I didn't have this backwards view of the fandom before and didn't have such a hard time trying to get myself around. Now I feel like I'll never get that experience because of all my sins catching up to me. I used to have fun being in the Fandom and, well, being myself, but ever since those incidents happened. I feel like those days are long gone. I don't know what I'm gonna do, and I feel like doing this will be used against me, but you never know. I don't even know what I'm trying to say anymore. I just want that feeling again, that feeling of security, acceptance, and engagement that I don't think I've been able to find anywhere else. I want to find a way to reconcile these sins, but do you and I really think it'd be a good idea? I guess a good way to explain my situation with the Fandom is through songs, the main one being Post Malone's "Circles." The lyrics resonate with me beyond the chill tune. Another one would probably be the one English translation of "Makenai ai ga Kitto Aru," as it talks about my sense of wanting to belong and be understood. (you might know it from Megaman, or somewhere else). I think that's all I have to say. This message is probably gonna be an emotional roller coaster to read, but I at least hope it'll be organized enough to be understandable. I apologize for any kind of confusion, or complications I may have caused. With (off the pill) regards, Riley. * * * Hi, Riley, What actually happened to you that caused this shift from feeling accepted to not feeling accepted? Was it something specific? Several things? Or just a general feeling? Hugs, Papabear * * * Hello there, PapaBear, thanks for the response! It's actually a combination of all three. I think this information might be used against me, so as to prevent drama I'll just say there have been several specific, but unrelated incidents that ultimately ruined my morale of being a part of the Fandom. They range from years ago to somewhat recently. Add that to the fact that my mind goes everywhere at certain times, it makes the general feeling of my guilt a very strong one. Now, there are a few reasons why I haven't reconnected and tried to reconcile yet. One is that I don't feel like enough time has passed, even if it was 2-3 years ago. Another is my general self-doubt and deprecation looking back at what I did. I don't know if they'll ever forgive me because I probably won't be able to forgive myself unless I really try. I usually just call off whatever thing I want to fix because I feel like we need more time. I also get that feeling--because of the fear--that everyone I know will find out and will ultimately disown me. "Seasons change and our love went cold, feed the flames cause we can't let go. Run away, but we're running in circles...." Is it irrational? I dunno, most likely, but that feeling remains. I guess on that note, if anyone I know is reading this and is shocked over what I've said, I don't blame you. I just wanted to get it out for a while, and I have nothing against anyone who's seen me as a great person. Overall, I think I just need to believe that I have the strength, because "in my heart I know there's love, unbeatable and strong like the heartbeat inside of me." I mean, what do you think? Are these feelings really irrational and won't get me anywhere? Or do you think there's little merit in them? I'll let you be the judge. With (on the pill) Regards, Riley. * * * Dear Riley, I believe I may have mentioned before that the furry fandom is not a homogenous, single body. Therefore, it is literally impossible to be rejected by the entire fandom. There are likely tens of thousands of furries or more who have never heard of you or whether or not you have done anything wrong. I mean, I, for one, have not, so I'm certain many others have not. That's Point #1, which then implies that there are plenty of furries out there you can come into contact with and make new friends. As for those who have rejected you for whatever reason, many of them do so for some pretty bad reasons, including: 1) gatekeeping, 2) feeling better about themselves for tearing other people down, and 3) not having any forgiveness in their hearts. All three reasons are terrible. You don't want to be friends with such furries anyway. True friends will forgive you when you ask for forgiveness. Next up: forgiving yourself. Literally nobody is perfect; literally everyone makes mistakes; literally anyone can do selfish, hurtful things without really meaning to. Usually, when people do things that are seen as bad, it is because people can be ignorant or stupid or simply socially awkward and lacking in confidence and self-respect. It's not because they are mean, necessarily. I've done some stupid things in my life, too. You're no different. Give yourself a break. But how does one forgive themself?
Most people are either unaware of their shadow self or they try to repress it. This is rather the basis of a lot of research in psychology (think especially Freudian psychology). But repressing or hiding the shadow self doesn't make it go away; instead, it will express itself in uncontrolled and often hurtful ways. To stop this from happening, the best way is to acknowledge the shadow by doing such things as journaling (write down your negative feelings and traits) and mindfulness. Here is a good article about the shadow self, the types of shadow self, and how to live with your shadow instead of avoiding it: Shadow Self: 13 Types & How to Embrace Your Dark Side ⋆ LonerWolf. Everyone makes mistakes and does bad things on occasion, Riley. The fact that you are concerned about this and want to do better clearly demonstrates you have a strong good side. (If you were truly a bad person, you wouldn't care one bit about hurting people.) At this time in your life, I would suggest you stop worrying about what people in the fandom think about you and focus on yourself. Once you find peace in your heart and acceptance of yourself, you can put yourself out there again and, trust me, people will notice the difference. People who are self-confident and at peace with themselves send out good vibes that have no need to be vocalized. People sense it and will have good feelings about being around you. You will be okay. Hugs, Papabear * * * Hello, PapaBear, I read and reread your response over, I think it's exactly what I needed to hear. I think it makes perfect sense for me to not worry too much about these old figures. Also, I didn't know that doing something as simple as journaling, or, well, trying to comprehend my Dark Side could do a lot to improve my mental health. I usually find resolve in that stuff through action, but I guess writing stuff down would be a better idea than doing stuff I might regret. I completely understand everything being said here. I really need to stop overthinking all of this stuff. It's a bad habit of my psyche, and being autistic usually tends to bring out these feelings a lot more. I just need to find a way to accept and control these things in a positive way. Now that I think about it, there are plenty of people in my life--online and in real life--that still care for me. It's very important to take a hold of these Precious Time, Glory Days and, well, keep holding on. Even if I feel like I'm buried six feet deep today, I gotta make sure my tomorrow won't be that way because I know I'll be okay.... Thank you, Papabear. I really do gotta appreciate the time you take reading emails like this. I hope that I'll come back to this message whenever I feel down about this. I hope that the next time I write you a letter it won't be under circumstances like this. With (Grateful) Regards, Riley. Heya, Papabear!
I have just recently stumbled upon your website while catching up on my usual fur-media, if you will. :3 While I do have my question, first I would just like to say I really respect and love what you have going on over here. This site is a great resource and I really wish I had found it sooner. So thank you! I am 17 and have been in the fandom for about 5-6 years now. I truly love it here and finally feel very comfortable in a space I know I will not be judged, ridiculed, teased, or otherwise about who I am. I have always had an odd interest in anthropomorphic characters when I was younger and ever since I found the fandom it all started to make a little more sense lol! Anyhoo, it's safe to say that being a furry is a big part of who I am and my passions. And I don't see it going anywhere, anytime soon. Now, being that I am 17, and still in high school, I live with my mother. (I don’t have contact to my dad). And my mom and her family are not the warmest to the furry community as I have sadly found out. They see the fandom for the complete opposite of what it is, weather it's, “People believing they are animals, dressing up like dogs and barking at people.” Or “Overweight 30 yo men having sex in suit.” All the way to thinking that getting crazy cosmetic surgeries and changes, walking on all fours and whining at their teachers and bosses like an actual animal are what furries are/do. And having news reports at some of the local schools in our area about a few out of hand students that are apart of Otherkin doesn’t really help either. Other than that, I have heard them talking a number of times about how “strange,” “disgusting,” and “weird” furries are. A lot of them were with me sitting at the table, trying to not get defensive, embarrassed, or act suspicious. They always seem to have something bad to say about them, especially whenever they see a furry-related bumper sticker, event, online account, or God forbid, a fursiuter in public. (I actually happen to live in the same city as one of my favorite furs! Verplex!) I digress, but it honestly breaks my heart to hear how my mom, aunts, and even some of my cousins talk about something that is so dear to me. And all I can do is sit there in my nervous sweat. And knowing how they are, if they found out about me, I would never hear the end of it. I would probably be seen as a freak by the entire family. I am also quite afraid that my mom might take a route that my father had taken. To be honest, the reason why I don't have any contact with my dad is because he no longer wishes to have me in his life. And a big chunk of it was due to him finding out about my hobbies (the fandom) and my sexuality. Not only is this hard and frustrating to hear others talking bad about something I enjoy and brings me so much more support and love than anyone else ever has, but I am really wanting to get more involved in the community now that I have been a quiet internet fur for a while now. I would love to get some merch, art, go to meets and conventions, and get some real-life friends who also share the interest. Not to mention (out of reach) but eventually commission a fursuit of my sona. But not only living with my parents but unsupportive ones makes that a real challenge. I do know that I am making it to the later chunk of my teen years, and eventually will have a lot more freedom, but I doubt I'd be able to move out when I hit 18. My childhood and teenage years have been such a struggle for me, and I really would love to try to start to enjoy something before it ends. Asides from that, it would be a huge relief to just break all this tension. Even if I know there will be plenty of moments ahead of me. The best time is always the present. I'm sure you have gotten a bunch of questions or help letters like this one. And maybe even a sit-down talk would change their minds, but before I go full send on revealing my floofy side, I would love to just get some advice and thoughts. Anything would be appreciated. Thank you. Sorry for the long letter, I know how these can get overwhelming. I hope all is well, especially In these crazy times! >~ Thanks again. Best, Pi Husky * * * Hi, Pi, Quick question: Are you familiar with VRchat and/or Second Life? Papabear * * * Hi again! Yes, I used to play a little bit of VRchat, back when I had a capable setup. Only heard of Second Life. Don’t know what it is though. Thanks! Pi * * * Hi, Pi (I like saying that, hi pi ;) Second Life is a virtual world that is still around but was much more popular than it is now because VRChat has sort of one-upped it by offering 3D capabilities. You don't need a 3D VR visor to use VRChat, but it's nice if you do. Anyway, although both SL and VRC are for all audiences, there are HUGE furry communities in both with furry worlds and meetup places where furries gather. You can wear an avatar (you can buy them or custom make them) to go with your fursona, you can make friends, buy merch, build yourself a home or other getaway, etc. In VRChat there is even an annual convention called Furality that you can attend (there is a fee). The cool thing about a virtual con is that you don't have to pay for travel, hotel, food etc. Last year, 21,000 furries attended Furality. Here's the point: If you're having trouble being furry in the real world, opt for the virtual world. You don't have to do the SL or VRC thing, of course. If you're a gamer, I recommend having a Discord account where you can play furry-related games with lots of furries. And there are popular sites like FurAffinity, SoFurry, and the phone app Barq! Tell me, what websites, apps, etc. related to furries are you already familiar with? Papabear * * * Haha it’s got a nice ring to it! (Hi, Pi) :P Anyway, I actually am quite familiar with most of these! I used to even have a original Oculus Quest (before they changed to Meta) and an HTC Vive, along with my PC rig. But I had just never realized the vastness of the furry side of VR. Especially being I didn’t play that much VRchat. I would love to get back into it and finally experience more of VRchat, but just recently in a move, I had my PC and both VR headsets stolen from a PODs container, amongst other things. I am a bit struck for money at moment so I haven’t really had a chance to get some stuff back. But I do have Discord and I'm quite active on the Instagram and Barq side of the fandom. I just really wish I could get more involved socially into the fandom instead of being limited to things like Discord. I'm sure you know how my family's perspective on the community is right now. And being that Im at a stage in life where travel is not in my favor, my family would certainly have to know where I'd be going if I were to go to a con, meet, etc. But if you happen to know any good Discord servers it would be greatly appreciated! I do plan on getting a computer soon so that will make life a whole lot easier in regards to VR, etc. maybe I'll be able to make it to Furality! Thanks again! Pi * * * Then I would recommend you learn about getting into furry worlds on VRChat. This is definitely where a TON of young furries hang out, so there is no end of socializing. As for Discord, you're writing to an old greymuzzle who mostly uses Facebook because I'm an antique LOL, so I really don't hang much in Discord servers, but I'm sure you can ask around on other media sites and there will be furries who know more. As for your parents, like many parents, they just get caught up in the BS that media sites and misinformed people tell them, which is all the bad stuff and none of the good stuff. If you're interested in getting DEEP into research on what furries REALLY are, and sharing that with your parents, download this FREE book here New Furbook available for download, and it's free! - Furscience I am also working on a book about the fandom that I hope to finish the end of the year. It won't be free, but it will be more relevant to all audiences and not just furries or serious researchers like the above link. Go to www.unclebearpublishing.com for updates on that. Write again if you have more questions! Stay Furry, Papabear * * * Thank you so much for your advice! I'm definitely going to look into VR more. I'm also quite interested in that book you’re writing. Would love to check it out when it’s finished. Knowing my family, I think I might just keep it from them until another time, if ever lol. As many say, it is just a hobby after all. Pretty soon I won't have to worry about their views as much, being that soon I’ll be a legal adult. But I’ll definitely be checking out those links for some friends that I have. And if it ever comes to it, I’ll have some backup solutions for my parents. xD Stay safe in these crazy times! communities including this fandom need more people like you! Best, Pi |
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An excellent article on coming out LGBT to Christian parents.
A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.
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