Write to Papabear

School Really Is Not the Place to Get Your Furry On

5/9/2020

[Papabear note: I was unable to reply to this writer because it was sent to me from an email account on the Tahoma School District server, which apparently does not allow replies from friendly bears. Therefore, here's hoping the letter writer will see this page!]

PapaBear,

Hello, I've come to say... WHY AM I BULLIED AT SCHOOL?!?! I don't understand why kids at my school think I'm weird and mock me. but there's some nice people, one time, at my school, Logan, this kid said my Dinosaur mask was COOL! and asked if he could wear it (before Corona virus), so, I let him! and he was pretty nice, but also someone called me B**** at school, he got in trouble, and then this one girl was afraid of me, but no she CHILL! Anyway, I've recently Noticed that I'm being bullied, because this one dude, I was making noises at, was mocking me, like, "Raaga ghhh, yeah, shut up," and ow hes still rude to me ... and now my friends are saying when I tell them my problems, they are saying, "Well, what do you expect when you're running around like a dinosaur?"

It's just annoying to me, and I'd like advice.

Thanks!

Signed,
Card the Wyvern

P.S my TikTok)) @dragondinosquad ))) follow me im lonely guys ;w;))

* * *

Dear Card,

Well, I notice in the form you sent that you're not a dinosaur, you're a wyvern. That's pretty awesome that you know the difference between a dragon and a wyvern and you are only 12 years old :-3.

The issue of bullying is a HUGE one, and many books have been written about it. I don't have time to write a book, so I will be brief.

First and foremost to note is this (and it seems you already understand this): if you are being seriously tormented with hate (verbal or physical), make sure that the adults in your school and your parents are aware of this and take appropriate action to stop it. There is no justification for bullying, which is a very serious act and should never be tolerated.

The second point is this: people bully for a couple of reasons. One reason is that they are insecure about themselves, and so they pick on people who are different or appear weak to feel better about themselves. Most bullies will back down if you stand up to them because, inside, they are actually cowards. The second kind of bully is just the sort of mundane who has no imagination and is fearful of those who are different, creative, unique, or more intelligent or enlightened than they are. There is IMMENSE pressure in the schoolyard of life for people to conform because they want to be accepted by society. That is human nature.

But you know what? The remarkable people of the world, the people who are inventors, artists, and dreamers who make the world a better place, are never the bullies and conformists of the world. They are people like you, Card.

It is terrific you are exploring your furry side, but there is a lesson to be learned here: There is a time and a place for being furry. Wearing a reptilian mask at school and making growly noises is going to set you up for rejection, disdain, taunting, and bullying (whoever said "what do you expect?" was actually making a keen observation). Therefore, you need to keep such behavior out of school and, when you go to school, just focus on listening to the teacher, doing your lessons, and taking your tests.

There is a lesson here to learn, and it is not a happy one: People might say they will accept you for who you are, but that is not true for many people. They say it, but they don't mean it. To protect yourself, you must learn that sometimes, especially in social settings like schools, where you do not control the situation, you have to pretend you are "one of them."

The good news is this: There are tens of thousands (possibly hundreds of thousands) of furries in the world, and these are the people who are fine with your being a wyvern.

Part of growing up is learning how to deal with people. You will learn, after much trial and error, who the real people are and who the fake ones are. Choose your friends carefully, and you will be much happier. Learn which people are not your friends, and those are the people to whom you do not show your real self. They don't deserve to know what a terrific person you are, so don't give them the opportunity to try and bully you and put you down.

And always remember this: If you get criticized, consider the source. If someone who is not your friend or who you do not respect criticizes you, then what do you care? Brush it off. It is of no consequence because they have not earned the right to judge you.

Big Bear Hugs,
Papabear

0 Comments

Draw Because You Love It

5/6/2020

2 Comments

Hi, Papabear.

I struggle with self-worth as an artist, and find it difficult to see my art as anything other than garbage when compared to the countless amounts of art that I see out there. I'm not that good of an artist, but I like making comics. In fact, I'm currently working on a comic that I love doing, but every day, despite me working hard on it in my free time, I still feel inadequate and will never feel happy about myself. So I guess my question would be how I should approach my views on myself as an artist in the future.

Joshua

* * *

Dear Joshua,

Artistic types--whether they are painters, musicians, writers, or whatever--are often very self-critical. This is because the work they do is put out into the public sphere, making it vulnerable to criticism from the outside. Since many of us seek validation from others, criticism can hurt, and then we forget why we created the art in the first place.

Why do you create art? Why do you work on a comic book? Because, as you said yourself, you love to do it.

You should draw and color because you love it, not because you want others to approve of you. This is only important at all if you are aiming to sell your artwork. That's when you do commissions and such, drawing or painting things that other people want to see.

As for the quality of your art, practice makes perfect. The more you draw, the better you will become. Work on your technique, perhaps take art classes (in a classroom or virtually), seek out advice from other artists, but most of all practice, practice, practice. Just like practicing a musical instrument, the more you draw and study technique and theory, the better you will be.

To answer your final query, stop comparing yourself to others and stop seeking validation from others. The only person you really need to please is yourself. You are not put on Earth to get the approval of other people. Oh, and remember, some of the greatest, most brilliant artists ever born were criticized and even ostracized by the public. Public taste does not equal good taste, necessarily. In fact, public taste is often bad, dull, and insipid.

Be an artist because you love it. Draw your comic book because it makes you happy.

Hugs,
Papabear

2 Comments

Getting Good Grades in High School

4/17/2020

0 Comments

Dear Papabear,

I'd like to know, how to I become the best student at school with the best possible grades?

DayPawTheChunkyCoyote

* * *

Dear DayPaw,

As with anything else, if you want to be good at something, work hard at it. Study hard and you should get better grades as a result.

Hugs,
Papabear

......

Hi, again, DayPaw,

You know, I apologize for giving you such a terse answer earlier. There's really more I should say on this subject, and it's this: Learning isn't about grades. Real learning is about finding something you're interested in and exploring it fully. Education systems--especially in America--are designed to produce good little factory workers, cubicle dwellers, and consumers. They are not designed to help you genuinely learn things you want to learn to pursue what interests YOU in life. You really don't get that opportunity until college, BUT! You will have a hard time getting into college if you have difficulty with one or more subjects in high school that subsequently brings down your GPA.

The school system--especially in the good ol' US of A--is made to train you to do things by rote learning, to respond to discipline (you must go to your class when the bell rings, leave when the bell rings, sit in your assigned seat, only speak when spoken to, etc.), and to become, basically, an automaton. You are also disparaged and made to feel like shit if you have problems with any one subject, whether that is science or English or even physical education.

So, again, to really answer your question, I should say this: discover first what interests you; if that means you need to go on to college, then you need to play the game to study hard, take the tests, get A's, and move on; but if you don't need a college degree (for example, you want to be a dancer or a painter or you are brilliant enough to invent something in your garage that makes you a millionaire--which actually happens with many of the millionaires we have in this world), then don't worry about it. Just do your time and, when not in school, focus on your passion.

Most of what I know about the world (indeed, most of what I do with my money-paying job) I learned AFTER I left school.

Good grades are there to please your parents and to get a better shot at college. They don't actually mean anything about you personally, and they certainly don't mean squat about your value as a human being.

Big Bear Hugs,
Papabear

0 Comments

Findin Love after 40

4/16/2020

1 Comment

Papabear,

I've always dreamed of settling down with a furry partner who loves me for who I am inside. Since Pounced was shut down, where does one go for furry dating? I'm getting older and I feel once I hit 40 it'll be game over for my chance to find love in the furry community. I seen a few places advertised, but I want to avoid scams and just try someplace thats actually popular, full of real people and not bots. Can you help me?

Tanuki (38)

* * *

Dear Tanuki.

As someone who is over 40 himself, don't write yourself off just because of your age. I have found love three times in my life: Once when I was in college, once when I was 41, and again when I was 51. Love has no age. There are many lonely, older furries out there who would love to have what you long for: a mature furry mate to share their lives with.

Going on dating sites is one way to look, yes, but that is rather limiting yourself. My advice to those seeking a partner is to find groups on the Web with members who share your interests and, perhaps--but not necessarily--demographics. For example, if you are on Facebook, I would invite you to join my Greymuzzles group, where you will find lots of furries your age. If you have other interests in life, seek out groups that share that interest. For example, maybe you are super into model trains. There's a group for that. Or perhaps you love Schnauzers; I'm sure there's a group for that. Not just on Facebook, but on the internet as a whole.

You could also seek out groups that actually meet in person (after this virus thing eases off). I recommend checking out the Meetup website. Here, you can type in a location and an interest and search for local groups of people who like the same things you do (including furries).

Finding a fellow furry is great, but you don't have to limit yourself to only furries. I mean, the real point is finding someone with whom you can share your life, right? My late husbear, Jim, and my current husband, Michael, are not furries, but they are totally fine with my being a furry and both Jim and Michael have joined me at furcons.

Cast your net out wide upon the waters and you will catch fish. Do not be too picky or demanding, but also don't allow yourself to be a tool because you are desperate for a mate. It's a tough balancing act, but if you temper your search with love and compassion, I think you will find someone.

Bear Hugs,
Papabear

1 Comment

The Self-Actualized Furry Is a Happy Furry

4/14/2020

0 Comments

Hi, Papabear,

I'm a 16 year old male that lives in Kwa-ZuluNatal, South African, and I found you on FurAffinity. I need your advice on how I can find my fursona. And if you don't mind. How do I tell my family about this?

All the best,
Anonymous

* * *

Hello, Furiend,

Since you don't offer much in the way in details in your letter, it is hard to give you specific advice. Each person is different, and that affects everything from fursonas to how you explain this to your parents. So, please take advantage of the categories on my website, browse the letters, and hopefully you will find something helpful. If not, write again and give me some details on your particular situation.

For advice on fursona design, go here: http://www.askpapabear.com/letters/category/fursonas
For advice on "coming out" furry, go here: http://www.askpapabear.com/letters/category/coming%20out%20furry

Take Care,

Papabear Grubbs

* * *

Hi, Papabear,

Sorry I wasn't clear in my last letter I'll try to do better in this one.

I'm not myself right now and I think the furry community can help me find myself again.I try talking to my mom about this and she is a bit scared because she has never heard about the furry community and I don't blame her.Its just me my mom and sister,I don't have someone to talk to about this. I'm just so confused right now and would like advise on how to go forward from this point.

* * *

Dear Furiend,

Pardon me for responding in generalities, since I don't know all the details about who you are, but I do like the way you phrase the question: How can the furry community help you find yourself again?

The first question coming to my mind, then, is: Did you once know who you were in the past? How did you lose yourself?

It sounds as though you are seeking identity by finding a community to which you can belong; a group of people that accept you as you were apparently once accepted but no longer feel accepted. Reading between the lines makes me wonder whether this is because you have discovered something about yourself that is not socially acceptable, such as something to do with your sexual identity. I only say this because that is a very common problem among people who feel rejected by society, especially when it comes to your teen years when you are discovering your sexual orientation.

But in order to find acceptance anywhere, my furiend, you must first accept yourself. Do you accept yourself and who you are? Probably not, since you say that you have lost yourself. How does one accept oneself?

Step 1: You must assert that you are not doing anything wrong or immoral by being you. Unless you are deliberately harming others, you are not doing anything wrong. Do not measure yourself by societal standards. Society is wrong. A lot. For example, many societies have condoned slavery, racism, child labor, and the oppression of women as "normal." Even if such standards are written into law, it doesn't make them right. The same is true for religious beliefs. These are also often wrong. Finally, while parents and family often mean well, they can be wrong, too. Do not be afraid to acknowledge that your parents are not always right and they might be misguided because they have listened to what society dictates rather than to what is true and just. It's not their fault. Almost everyone makes this mistake, but you don't have to.
Step 2: Listen to your inner voice. Everyone has one. It is my belief that one's conscience is a direct line to the divine. If you listen, your heart will tell you what is right and will tell you who you are.
Step 3: Once you figure out who you are and have recognized your inner voice connection to the spiritual being that many call "God," but I call "One," then it is time to live your life according to who you are. As someone who has been on that journey, believe me when I say you will never be happy until you reach this point.

Once you have achieved self-acceptance and actualization, that is the time to seek out community. Many furries make the mistake of doing the opposite: seeking a community that validates who they are rather than validating themselves first. The problem with doing it that way is that the furry community--like any other community--has some bad people in it who will troll you and attack you and say things like "you're not a real furry," and too many furries take this to heart. They then complain that the furry community has rejected them (it has not, only a few bad eggs have) and the next thing you know they start posting online about how furry drama is rampant and it is all the fault of the furry community.

But the self-actualized furry (or whatever you consider yourself to be) will have the confidence and self-respect to find good people, as I have done, and form their community around them. In other words, you become a seed for a cloud of like-minded, like-spirited people who will then become your personal community.

Another wonderful effect of being self-actualized is that you will no longer have to seek your fursona. IT will find YOU. For example, once I figured out and accepted I was a gay bear, well then! Grubbs Grizzly walked right into my life and wrapped me in his furry body.

As for telling Mom about your interest in furry, the best way to approach mundanes with it is to compare it to other fandoms, such as superhero fandoms or fans of Star Trek or Star Wars. It's not a perfect comparison because you and I know that the furry fandom is unique, but most non-furries won't get that. Therefore, just tell Mom, in terms she can understand, that it is simply imaginative fun similar to dressing up as a superhero or pretending you're Spock on Star Trek, only it is about anthro animals like the ones in Zootopia (use popular movies and don't talk about underground furry art and such; relate to things with which they are familiar).

I hope these tips help you. Thanks for writing.

Hugs,
Papabear

0 Comments

Some Theories behind Furporn

4/8/2020

0 Comments

Dear Papabear,

I'm having a mental crisis over some thoughts after I've seen some NSFW [not safe for work] art in the furry fandom. I'm also suffering from OCD, but to be fair this would be kind of awkward if I brought this question to my counselor, so I'm trusting you fully with this question. Does it count as zoophilia/bestiality if I like to see two anthro characters with feral genitalia or two feral (more animalistic like walking on fours) characters that speak/have human characteristics have sex?

Nick

* * *

Dear Nick,

People outside the fandom often misconstrue our fascination with animals and anthros as a form of bestiality. It isn't. If you go out and have sex with actual animals, that is bestiality. The phenomenon of furporn is a more complex psychological issue than that, and it is something I will address in detail in my book.

There is a difference between fantasy and reality. Sexual fantasy is something that pretty much everyone indulges in, but just because they do does not mean they actually want their fantasies to come true. Sex, as they say, is 90% in the brain and only 10% physical. When we are engaged in coitus, as Sheldon Cooper would call it, most of us go inside ourselves into another world that gets our hormones pumping and promotes a climax.

Furry pornography is very much a fantasy. This is why you see such extremes in it, with hyper-large anatomical parts, oceans of ejaculate, impossible positions, outrageous scenarios, and so on. No one actually believes any of it will happen in real life; it is just a mental stimulus.

Another theory I have about furry sex is that it is a distancing tool. That is, many people feel senses of guilt about their sexual desires because of society's disapproval, so we cloak our sexuality in the form of anthro characters to shelter us from this kind of guilt. It is the same reason why people like zombie movies, which allows you to mentally imagine and "act out" (such as in video games) violent tendencies, but it's okay because these are the "undead" and therefore you are not doing anything immoral.

Furporn is a fantasy tool that helps people work through their sexual tensions, guilt, feelings of inadequacy, and so on. But that's just one explanation.

Another possible explanation for furporn is that it is a way of connecting with our more animalistic, sexual side. By casting away our human shell and becoming anthro animals, we allow ourselves to engage more freely in uninhibited sex. No longer chained to human society by a physical form, we connect more with the passion of sex.

So, no, your viewing furporn--even the more feral types--does not mean you're into bestiality/zoophilia. It is just you exercising your sexual imagination.

Hugs,
Papabear

0 Comments

Tips to Help an Anxious Dragon Reenter the Fandom

4/3/2020

0 Comments

Hi there. I’m really lost on this one.

My boyfriend and I are both in the furry fandom. He’s much more charismatic and nice than I am (though I may be biased). He has social media where he gets art pieces done, and I really want to join the fun.

I have really bad anxiety, to the point where even putting change into my wallet in the line for checkout in a shop can give me a panic attack.

I’m just scared. I know it’s a fandom where some less than stellar people, art thieves and bullies are very prominent, as I’ve been driven away from the fandom before. But I would love nothing more than to get art with my man! Any tips to overcome this and enjoy the fandom with him?

Thank you very much in advance.

- A Very Anxious Dragon

* * *

Dear Dragon,

My goodness, you do have very severe anxiety, don't you? A lot of people don't understand such anxiety, but over the last couple of years, I have had direct experience with my husband, who has PTSD and anxiety from the war (he was on the front lines). Such anxiety can be the result of many things, such as past trauma or a difficult childhood; it can also arise from certain genetic and biological factors. These are things for a doctor to diagnose and treat. Have you consulted with a doctor about your anxiety? If not, you really should. There are a number of medications that can help ease your anxiety, if not dispel it entirely, that will make it easier for you to live your life.

There are also several non-pharmacological treatments that can help. This is always where I go to Eastern advice on treatments, such as meditation and yoga or qigong and practicing mindfulness (learn the ways of the Buddha). Also, simple exercise and improvements in diet can help a lot--you would be surprised. Try to get outside and do something physical (walks help me a lot); do not eat processed foods and foods with lots of additives; try to eat fresh vegetables, fruits, and meats whenever possible. Drink herbal teas, especially tea with ginger, chamomile, peppermint, lemon balm, passionflower, or a simple green tea. Caffeine can exacerbate anxiety, so try to avoid coffee and soda.

Okay, that all said, let's get back to furry interaction. I have an idea: since you are fortunate to have a furry mate with lots of experience doing stuff in the fandom, how about you work together as a team? I know a couple of furries who have Facebook and other social media pages jointly. You can have the "Dragon and Wolf" or "Dragowolf" (I'm just guessing he's a wolf, but whatever fursona he has, combine them) and start soliciting artwork together. That way, you can lean on him some to navigate through the fandom. He can still, of course, have his own pages, and when you are ready, you can go solo, too, but I think it would be really helpful to you to do this jointly until you can get into a comfort zone where you are confident enough to do stuff on your own (what a blessing to you to have a furry bf!)

And this can work in any social context because you will find "less than stellar" people everywhere, not just the furry fandom. Form some mutual friendships with you, your boyfriend, and his friends. Go out and socialize together.

Also! Lean on your fursona, your alter ego. You're a dragon, and I bet there is a very good reason you are one: you admire the strength and beauty of the fire lizard, don't you! Fursonas often represent what we wish to be. I know this is true for me and my alter ego, Grubbs Grizzly. Grubbs is much more outgoing, laid back, and chill that Kevin Hile. He is the kind of person I wish to be. So, when you are a dragon, BE a dragon. Adopt your fursona's abilities, strengths, and personality traits. Become the dragon. This can do a lot to help you with anxiety! When you go to buy art or interact with furries, do so as the dragon. Don't be "Very Anxious Dragon." Be "Bold! Powerful! Dragon"

So, that's my advice: work on managing your anxiety, partner up with your boyfriend as you venture back into the fandom, and be the dragon.

Hope that helps!

Hugs!
Papabear

0 Comments

There's Such a Thing as TMI with Your Parents

4/2/2020

0 Comments

Dear Papabear,

As a East Coast fur, it’s hard to meet up in real life with the other furs out there. I currently am unable to drive a car though I am able to take public transportation. I always wish to got out and see or even experience a Furry convention in my state or any state close by ( Connecticut) but, my main fear is my parents. How do I explain to them about myself and my place in the fandom? I’m mainly into expansion and inflation, and I was also caught a few times by my folks during my sessions with an air pump. When the time comes, how will I be able to explain this to them?

Hailfanghoofington (age 22)

* * *

Dear Hailfanghoofington,

As you helpfully noted in the form, you are 22 years of age. As such, you are an adult and have absolutely no obligation to tell your parents the details about your sexual preference or your hobbies if you choose not to. I honestly don't know why I keep getting questions like this from adults who write to me. I mean, your parents don't tell you about what they like to do in bed and what their turn-ons are, do they? (Lordy, I hope not!) So, why should you have to tell them you are into inflation fantasies? Answer: you don't.

It's great to have open and honest discussions with your parents about your life, but there are some things that it is fine to keep private, and at the top of that list is details about your sex life. Now, it sounds as though you might still be living with your parents and, therefore, you might have the impression that living under their roof obligates you to fully disclosing everything about your life. Not true. What you should be doing is being supportive of them, perhaps pay them rent for the room, help with chores, and move out as soon as possible. You're 22. You need to set out on your own unless there is some medical or financial reason why you can't at this time.

At 22, you should also be able to make trips on your own, even if that means taking public transportation to do so. I encourage you to get out of the house and live your life.

Hugs,
Papabear

0 Comments

Don't Be So Desperate for Marriage That You Allow Yourself to Be a Tool

3/29/2020

0 Comments

Dear Papabear,

I haven't ever really cared about being with anyone I've always just kind of accepted I'll be alone however these last few years I've been feeling really alone I really want to be married.

Now there's someone I really like and he likes me but right now it's to soon he has a lot of stress going on in his life with his ex and he doesn't want to upset his family by telling them he's bi and the stress that I add by trying to make us a couple to fast he's also requested an open relationship and I don't know how I'll react to that I don't want to restrict him so much that he starts to resent me but i feel like I might lose him to someone else.

I guess my questions are how long should you wait for someone? And how do you make an open relationship work when you want a monogamous one?

Zoey (age 29)

* * *

Dear Zoey,

Oh, this one is easy: if you want monogamy and he wants an open relationship, and neither of you want to change your mind, then that's it; you're done. That relationship will not work. Monogamous relationships can work fine; open relationships can work fine. But for either to work, BOTH parties MUST be in agreement.

As for the it's-not-the-right-time-for-him thing: in my experience, when a love interest says stuff like "there's too much going on in my life right now" or "I need time before I make a commitment" or "I can't upset my family" then you are on a path to nowhere. This is called "leading you on." I've seen it happen to people over and over and over again. This happens either because the other person is really not all that into you and doesn't want to "hurt your feelings" by forthrightly saying "go away," OR! They want to have their cake and eat it too, meaning they don't want to upset their current status quo but they also want you to be the "something on the side" when it is convenient for them and only them. If you accept either of these things, you are allowing yourself to be a tool.

Have a little self-respect and don't allow yourself to be used. Dump this guy. You are only allowing him to pull this crap because you are becoming desperate for marriage. And another thing: don't be in love with the idea of marriage; be in love with a person. Many people marry because they don't want to be alone, but if you leap into a marriage because you like the idea of being married more than you like your choice for a partner, then that marriage will end in heartache and disappointment.

Zoey, I'm glad you wrote to me. You need to stop and reflect on your life and your motivation. You need to work on your self-respect and also not be afraid of being alone. When you are confident, have self-respect, and can be independent and not need to lean on others just to get by, that is when you will exude attractiveness and that will bring love to your door.

If someone truly loves you, they won't make you wait.

Question answered.

Hugs,
Papabear

0 Comments

Are You Helping to Spread COVID-19? Then, Yes, You ARE a Selfish Little Turd

3/26/2020

2 Comments

Dear PapaBear,

As you, I and the entire world are aware of right now, the world has effectively shut down in the wake of the coronavirus pandemic. The UK has effectively now gone into lockdown, with the only businesses allowed to be open being hospitals, construction-workers (for some reason) and anyone who sells “essential” items.

The virus itself, although the mortality rate of it seems fairly low compared to some other pandemics (AIDS has a near-100% mortality rate), it’s still damaging to the body and seems to be far more contagious than other viruses and diseases. However, truth be told, I’m more terrified by the lockdown than I am by the virus. Specifically, how vindictive people are treating those who aren’t self-isolating.

There are two words I see frequently pop up whenever anyone, be it on social media or on television, is describing people who aren’t self-isolating and still going outdoors etc.: “selfish” and “idiot” (or any terms of a similar derogatory nature). Even Dr. Hilary Jones on Good Morning Britain flippantly used the phrase “all those idiots who went out there at the weekend” to describe people who were taking their mothers out for a walk on Mothers Day. (https://youtu.be/tbAYN9zKIJQ?t=190).

The thing is I don’t think people truly realise just how damaging the lockdown itself will be. Obviously, the biggest way this is going to hit us besides the death-count is the economy. Hundreds, if not thousands, of people have either had their jobs be put on hold or have flat-out been let go by their employers. Not to mention all the small businesses like cafes and tradesmen who suddenly have no business.

And sure, the government is telling us all that they’re going to be paying people in need and will be cutting certain expenses etc. However with the buffoonish Prime Minister we have right now, I’m not entirely sure I can trust them when they say those sorts of things. Essentially, I won’t believe it until I see it.

But there are other ways this is going to hit people, too:

• People with autism, or families with an autistic person, are going to be hurt by this. A common trait between autistic people like myself depend on routine and patterns to get through the day. And suddenly, hundreds of autistic people's routines are going to be disrupted.

• There’s a hidden epidemic of homeless people who rent hotel rooms or similar temporary residence as they can’t afford a proper apartment. I know someone who’s in this situation (and there’s a brilliant film about it called The Florida Project I’d recommend). Now with hotels and similar closing their doors and kicking people out, where are they going to go?

• Domesitc abuse victims are going to suffer because of this. Just a few months ago, people with violent and/or coercive partners would be able to go to a cafe where they could get help from their friends, or children who were suffering would be able to be spotted and rescued by their teachers. Now, not only are these places closed down, but they can’t even leave their own houses!

• Barbers and hairdressers were being trained to spot the signs of mental illness since they’re the places where people can talk about their feelings without judgement. Who’s going to spot those mental illness symptoms, now?

• People without the internet will suffer. No, not everyone has the internet and they’re going to struggle to find a way to order deliveries the things they need to survive.

• Children could very well end up getting rickets, since they wouldn’t be allowed outdoors and too many of them have insufficient diets as it is (have you seen the ingredients for some of the snack-foods these kids live on?!)

I get the importance of everyone staying indoors and away from others as much as possible to soften the blow that this pandemic will have. Really, I do! But I honestly don’t think people are thinking it through as to a) how much damage the lockdown will cause in its own right, and b) how blindly condemning anyone who’s not following the advice word-for-word will do more harm than good.

Am I saying that everyone who went outdoors, had a gathering etc. is doing so with good intent? No. But it’s dangerous to judge someone by first impressions. Even if this lockdown is for the greater good, real good people are still going to be hurt by this, and the least they deserve is some sympathy.

Is there anything I can do to somehow stop people judging by first impressions and instead have sympathy for those who are mixing with other people not out of selfishness but out of necessity?

Hugs (if I’m still allowed to do so),

Charleston

* * *

Dear Charleston,

I get that you are frustrated by the lockdown and feel sympathy for those who are affected. Yes, telling people to stay home from work and to not socialize is hard on everyone, and it is harder on those who do not have Internet access or may otherwise have difficulties because of a lockdown.

However, the alternative--letting people do as they did before and not have any restrictions on interpersonal contacts--would be far worse. This virus is extremely contagious, and if it were allowed to spread without any controls, we would find hospitals everywhere overwhelmed and people dying at an accelerated rate. Covid-19, if left unchecked, could literally kill 100 million people in a year if absolutely nothing was done to try and control it. That is about twice as many people dying as died in World War II over the war's six years.

There is no cure for it. There is no vaccine. If you get it and are vulnerable to respiratory or cardiac failure, there is a good chance it could kill you. And all doctors and nurses can do is watch you die.

If you are suggesting that we should allow, as you seem to point out, barbershops, cafes, hotels, etc. to operate normally, even to open up churches, shelters, etc. and allow high concentrations of people to congregate, you are giving COVID-19 a free pass to openly infect literally millions of people, many of whom will die. And not only those with COVID could die, but because hospitals would be overwhelmed, people with other illnesses just as deadly or more deadly will not be able to have access to medical care, and, thus, you would be condemning those people to die too.

So, do you feel that is fair? Do you think it is more important for people to socialize in large groups than it is to try to lower the number of people who literally die?

You are worried about shaming. Yes, there are people being shamed because they are ignoring warnings and going about doing stuff they normally would without regard to safety. One example of this in the United States was that Spring Break was allowed to continue in many areas. Lots of young people, thinking they were invulnerable or that the threat was exaggerated by the media, went out and partied. The result? A lot of those people now have COVID-19. And they either get very ill themselves or they give it to older people or people with compromised immune systems who then get very sick or even die. The young are not invulnerable. Half the serious cases of COVID-19 are people under 40 years of age.

Do you honestly feel that is forgivable? Do you honestly feel worse that their feelings might get hurt and their self-esteem might be bruised because someone called them a selfish idiot for putting people's lives at risk?

This isn't a game, Charleston. This is life and death. Things might not seem too serious now, but we haven't seen this virus peak yet, which it could do by next month, and we could see an exponential spike that would overwhelm health care systems worldwide. The only thing that could help make this disaster somewhat manageable is if people cooperate and think about others instead of just themselves.

Unfortunately, some people have to be ridiculed before they listen, and even then many of them won't listen. Apparently you don't think they should be criticized for that. I, for one, think it is appropriate to call someone a selfish prick if they are willing to hurt others because they want to have a party and ignore everyone else's needs. That is the very definition of being a selfish piece of shit.

Judging on first impressions, yes, can be bad. For example, judging someone because of their race or religion or sexual preference without even knowing them is wrong. However, this is different. This isn't judging someone because of their beliefs or genetics. This is judging someone by their actions. Actions DO define you.

No one is saying that if you are going outside because it is necessary then you are a bad person. No one is saying that people providing food or medical services is selfish if they don't stay home. No one is saying that you can't go buy groceries. No one is saying you should ignore your autistic child (my grandson is autistic and his mom is taking care of him just fine, thank you very much). No one is saying if you are a victim of domestic abuse that you can't go seek help. (If you are going to a hairdresser for your mental health needs.... OMG, I can't even comment on that one! Jeez!)

This is a pandemic. It's serious. It is going to impact everyone hard, whether or not you get ill yourself. If my 72-year-old husband with a heart condition gets sick and dies because some little self-entitled, selfish punk had to go to a party, then you're damn fucking right I am going to be mad and call them what they are: selfish little turds.

There is such a thing as a selfish little turd. And if someone is one, I will call them one and I won't give a fuck if it hurts their feelings. Too goddamn bad.

Papabear

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