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Dear Papabear,
After reading your letter from 2019 about learning from past mistakes, you wrote a very nice and reassuring method on how to learn from them and move on with life. (https://www.askpapabear.com/letters/how-to-grow-from-past-mistakes) In a similar sense to that letter, when I was a teen (16-17 years old) I was having trouble with handling my emotions. I didn’t fully comprehend the concept of “think before you post”. I had very rare moments where I’d let my anger get the best of me; which resulted in me writing some really messed up comments on anger-inducing things/topics that triggered me. However, when I realized the weight of what I commented, I immediately apologized to the poster(s), and deleted them, admitting it was messed up and way out of line. I was forgiven for it, got on good terms with them, and I have never acted out like that ever since. I learned from my psychology course at college that the brain is still in a developmental phase at those ages. I was smart enough to take accountability for my words and actions as a teen, despite that. The step in your letter that I often have trouble with is forgiving myself. My Asperger’s/ASD causes me to replay some moments in my head from years ago, most often when I don’t want them to. Sometimes my remembrance of them can make me get horrible anxiety attacks, making my regrets weight me down. It takes a toll on both my mental and physical health. I know I made up for my mistakes nearly a decade ago, and was forgiven for it, but that lingering regret prevents me from practicing self-forgiveness. How do you forgive yourself when your own mind and body won’t let you? Anonymous * * * Dear Furiend, I apologize for the slow reply. I've been sick with the flu this week. All righty, to business then! You clearly know all the basics, including the fact that you have already made amends, were forgiven (great!), recognized your error, have striven to not repeat that mistake, etc. Also, you know that your condition aggravates what, for others, would be problematic and troubling but not quite as difficult to overcome as it is for a person on the spectrum. I recommend we begin by understanding exactly why pretty much everyone, at one point in their lives or another, suffers from feelings of guilt they can't seem to shake even though the cause of said guilt has been addressed and even fixed. It is, you see, an evolutionary adaptation. We are all designed to remember mistakes and their consequences so that we can learn and move forward. Let me give you a primitive example: Say you were an early ancestor foraging in the woods and you found what looked like a delicious berry, so you eat it, but not long afterwards, you become sick and vomit. From that point on, you would remember that berry, what it smelled and tasted like, and what eating it did to you. Even though you learned your lesson not to ever eat it, that powerful memory of becoming ill will be with you for possibly your entire life. The guilt you feel is like the bellyache the apish ancestor experienced. Even though they will never eat that berry again, the memory is painful and makes them cringe whenever it is brought back to mind. Your guilt is a berry bellyache. You're just recalling the memory. You know that you have resolved the situation and that everything is now okay. So, here's what you do: The next time you get that feeling of guilt, pause for a little bit. Sit down somewhere and think about what you're feeling. Say to yourself, "Oh, yes, that cringey guilt is back, but it's not there because I'm still a bad person. It's just reminding me that when I get online and write something to be mindful of what I say to others!" Then, thank the cringey guilt berry ache for the reminder and put it aside to continue your day. That is, focus your attention on what you are doing in the present, note that the cringeberry tastes particularly sour to people on the spectrum but that just makes your reminder more pronounced and noticeable, and congratulate yourself for your success in doing better today. Focus on the present. When we recognize things for what they are rather than what we imagine them to be, they become much less threatening and troublesome. Bear Hugs, Papabear
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Dear Papabear,
I just finished school and am trying to decide where to go from here. I've been living with family in Michigan throughout my 20s to save money, but all my family members have moved out of my hometown to the southern part of the state because it's gotten too expensive to live up north in the resort town I grew up in. My mom got a house in Port Huron (a smallish city just north of Detroit) and invited me and my brother to live with her, though to be honest, Port Huron seems kinda dull. I have been thinking of moving to a big city for a while, and I had my eyes on Chicago because I've been there before. It's not too far from family, it has good public transit, and it's cheaper than a lot of big cities. My brother said he would come with me if I decided to go. I'm still hesitant, and I'm wondering if I actually want to live in a big city, or if I just like the idea of it. I've never liked driving, and I like using public transit and being able to walk everywhere. I'm moving to Port Huron in the spring, and I plan on staying there for maybe a year to save more money before deciding where to go from there. o be blunt, my degree isn't all that useful, but I work for a big company and can transfer, and I do furry art commissions on the side. I went to college on and off throughout my 20s and struggled at first because of undiagnosed ADHD, which I started taking meds for just a couple of years ago. I mostly just finished my degree to make my mom happy. I've also considered doing some kind of online certification to get a better paying day job I don't hate, but I question if it's even worth it since even people with "useful" degrees can't find jobs right now. I was just curious if you had any advice. Sorry if my letter is kind of all over the place. I'm just a little overwhelmed. Stee (age 30) * * * Dear Stee, Thank you for your letter. Your query is a bit vague, but let me see if I can encapsulate it in one sentence as: "Do you think it is wise for me to move from Michigan and settle in Chicago at this point in my life?" Sound good? First of all, as someone who lived in Michigan for many years (mostly in the Detroit and Lansing areas), I am familiar with Port Huron. Although I hear, like any city, it has its problems, I think it is still a nice place overall, and it wouldn't be horrible to live there. It is in a beautiful area and is quite affordable. Also, I understand it has a very good bus system that runs on natural gas, so you shouldn't have too much trouble getting around, especially if you live near a bus stop. I can understand your mom moving there. While Port Huron does have some fun stuff to do, especially if you like nature walks and boating, it is indeed a bit calmer than a large city like Chicago, which has a thriving arts and theater community, a wonderful waterfront, great restaurants, etc. etc. So, if you like living in the city, it's a good choice. I lived in Wheaton not far from Chicago for a while and visited a number of times. I do like Chicago. And if you like heavy food like Chicago-style pizza and hot dogs, you certainly can't go wrong. Remember, though, that it isn't just a town's amenities that make it interesting. If you are in a home located near a lot of friends and family, then even, say, Needles, California, could be a nice place to live. On the other paw, if you are in a big, exciting city like New York or Chicago but are completely friendless and alone, it would be a pretty sad place to be. Home is where friends and family are. Okay, so now imagine you are in Port Huron with your mom. You've decided to hang out for at least a year. Chicago is not that far, and you can drive there (I assume you can drive even though you prefer public transit; if you don't have a car, rent one), or you can take a hopper plane, OR you can travel by train! Go to Chicago and check it out for a week or two. See if you like the feel of the city. Also, see if you really are able to transfer to Chicago or nearby through your company (you might think you can, but that is up to your bosses, and they might not want to move you; I don't know, but check on that before you make big plans). If you know anyone who lives there, see if you can hang with them for a day or two and get their impressions of life in Chicago. In short, look before you leap. You might decide Chicago is fantastic and want to try to move there right away; you might decide it's not so great but that, once you've been in Port Huron awhile, you find it surprisingly nice and want to stay. Or maybe, while you're in Chicago, you decide to drive a little north to check out Milwaukee and fall in love with that city. The point is that you should never make decisions--especially life-changing decisions--without doing some research first. Before I moved from Michigan to the Coachella Valley, I took a trip to Palm Springs and researched the housing market and came up with a plan. Now, I had lived before in SoCal, so the area wasn't completely new to me, but I hadn't been there in years, so it was worth looking into again. Also, as a freelancer, I could live anywhere, so the job thing wasn't an issue. Everyone's circumstances are different. Cultures are different, too. The culture in Palm Springs is waaaaaaaayyy different than in Lansing, Michigan. Similarly, Chicago does have its own culture. Even the accent of a Chicagoan is different. You really should try to take a trip there for a bit and absorb the surroundings, observe people, try to talk to them, and so on. Again, you might find you love it, you might not. When it comes to degrees, that is a tricky subject indeed. I'm one of the few people I know whose job is actually related to their undergrad degree. There are also people with kind of, well, useless degrees who succeed anyway in other fields. I have a dear friend who I often use an example. His degree is in American Studies. Ack. But after college, he worked his way up at a law firm from data entry to head of the IT department. He later worked on Comedy Central's website. He has no degree in computer science, but he is very good with computers, nonetheless. My late husband, Jim, had an associate's degree in communications and worked his way up to be the news director at an NBC station. Unless you're in a very specific skill such as medicine or engineering, college degrees are kind of something you do to show you're smart enough to do the work. Nothing I do today as an editor and publisher has much to do with my B.A. I learned how to edit books on the job; I taught myself typesetting; I taught myself how to start a business. Experience is what matters. Remember, people like Bill Gates, Steve Wozniak, Steven Spielberg, Frank Lloyd Wright, Ted Turner, President William McKinley were all college dropouts. And yes, a lot of people get graduate degrees in supposedly important fields like computer science and find they can't get employed and are now hugely in debt. Also, AI is profoundly changing the job market, so you have to keep that in mind, too. So, ask yourself what you are learning in your current job; can it be applied to a job you might enjoy more? If not, will getting a certification in a specific area help? If so, then go for it. You have to know what you want to do in life before you can pursue it. Hopefully, you won't pick a career just because you think you will make good money at it. That can lead to quite an unsatisfying life. Now for the broader picture: You're not here in this world to get a college degree or to have a great career. You're here to experience life. While there are practical things to worry about (earning enough to have shelter and food, duh), you only have a few decades on this planet--and that's if you're lucky. What do you really want to do with that time? What do you wish to experience? What kind of life do you truly want to live? Without answering these questions, you're really just wandering about aimlessly, which makes it difficult to have goals and plans to reach those goals. So, there you are. A rambling question receives a rambling answer, despite my trying to keep it focused LOL. Let me try one more time. . . . Question: "Do you think it is wise for me to move from Michigan and settle in Chicago at this point in my life?" Answer: "You can only answer that if you do some research first. Understand where you are going and why you want to go there before you try to get there." Not sure if this helps at all, but perhaps it will give you some things to think about. Take Care, Papabear Papabear,
I found this site a few months ago and decided to write. After all, at worst nothing bad would happen, I guess. English is not my native language, so my English may not be perfect. The thing is, I'm autistic, and my family infantilizes me; they always have done so. For example, my father has talked to me in baby speak regardless of how offensive it was to me and no matter how much I expressed that... Until I exploded in rage when I was 13 years old. That was the one thing that made him stop; the only thing that worked. Even to this day, I see younger relatives having more freedoms, with them being younger than me because their parents simply allow it or at the very least don't put every effort in impeding it. They encourage them to have friends; they allow them to drive to do what they need; they allow them to... Well, basically have autonomy like any late teen or adult should have. However, every relative takes my family's side on the topic because, well... I' autistic, and in their minds, how is an autistic person independent in any way? I would love to make friends IRL--maybe even get a romantic partner--but every time they refused to allow me to interact with anyone outside school in my younger years on the basis of them believing that "they wanted to take advantage of me." And, of course, being young and naive, I believed them. And by the time I realized the idea of literally everyone wanting to use me was stupid, it was too late. Friend groups were already formed and solidified, and I already had the reputation as "the weird guy who never gets out of home." I have missed so many milestones simply because my family refused to allow me to have them on the basis of "being worried about me." I also have a driving license, but they do not allow me to drive because "they fear something will happen to me" and say that I need practice--practice that never comes beyond my taking them to places, but it's never enough to them. This has cost me many job opportunities, and to this day I'm unemployed because where I live there is no public transportation and no jobs. I have a lot of education, but it doesn't matter because they won't allow me to drive to any potential job I could get out of it. I still do free online courses that I'm able to get into because I can't just do nothing at all, but without being allowed to drive to any potential job it all feels worthless. To this day I have been able to get minimal amounts of freedom and autonomy but only by exploding in rage multiple times, screaming, insulting them, and saying how much they are an obstacle in my life and that despite what they say, every chance they get they prove that they see me as a useless and fragile being that will break as soon I'm out of their view. But that is ceasing to work. To clarify, I have never physically harmed them, despite the many times they have done so to me (my brother even wanted to burn my face one time when I was a child, but changed his mind because he wouldn't been able to escape any consequences from that; when I told my parents this, they did ... nothing, like every other time my brother harmed me). They don't physically hurt me anymore because now I'm able to defend myself if necessary, but I genuinely do not know how to deal with this anymore because an honest conversation about the topic has never worked. They only see me as my autism and nothing else. I have tried going to multiple psychologists, but they have all taken their side. In some cases, they decided that, above all else, I was the one who had to see their perspective and understand where they were coming from (I genuinely cannot conceive any possible perspective that justifies or makes understandable or even tolerable the idea of wanting to burn a child's face, and I am certain that I shouldn't in the first place). In other cases, they said I lied because, in their words, "Family doesn't do that," and they would not believe me when I say that, in fact, I do chores, I put effort in what I try to do, etc. To them, if whatever I said didn't support a false narrative of me being the problem, it was a lie. One psychiatrist in particular tried to convince me that my autism diagnosis is not real because (in their words) "I dont look autistic" in the first and only session I had with him. To be honest, jumping from psychologist to psychologist and bleeding money without getting anywhere doesn't seem a viable option anymore to me. The idea of "the right one" existing seems like a mere fantasy. I have online friends (including furries; I am one myself), but I also fear what they will do if they discover that. I don't know what to do anymore. Do you think there is something I can do to finally have control of my own life? With Regards, Brian (age 27, Spain) * * * Dear Brian, Thank you for reaching out. Your English is quite good, no worries. And you are clearly an intelligent and sensitive young man who, based on your story, is basically being imprisoned by his own family. To be clear, autism is not something that lowers your intelligence, so your father treating you like an infant is, indeed, insulting. I've known people with autism who have become doctors. You're not stupid. You are not violent. You are not a danger to yourself or others--at least, not from what I can see here. My difficulty is that I am in the USA, not Spain. Also, Spain is a large country with diverse regions, and I don't know where you are, exactly, that you don't have access to public transportation. Are you somewhere in the more sparsely populated Central part of Spain far from major cities like Madrid or Barcelona? Psychologists are not helping you because you are not mentally or emotionally disturbed. Your condition is formally called "Austism Spectrum Disorder"; however, I do not see autism as a disorder. You are not broken; you are different. How are you different? People with autism have synapses in the brain that are wired differently. I've seen studies in which scientists said there were more synapses connecting in the brain, and I've seen them where they say there are fewer synapse connections. (This just shows that more research is needed and that you can't draw conclusions from one study). But recent studies are also suggesting that autism is related to human evolution and is related to Homo sapiens' rapid development in cognitive--especially language--skills. In other words, autism might be a byproduct of improvements to the human genome. Anyway, that just means you are different; not necessarily better or worse. In this bear's humble opinion, the fact that we are seeing so many people with autism is a sign that Mother Nature is experimenting with human evolution again (she does that, you know), seeing what works and what doesn't. According to the form you submitted to Papabear, you are 27, which is more than old enough to get out on your own and live your life without your oppressive and unsupportive family preventing you from having a life. I would say that you would be wasting your energy trying to turn your family around and make them help rather than hinder you. To do this, you need a lifeline, people to whom you can connect for help. I'm a bit too far away for that, and also you are outside the USA, which means giving you contact information for an American organization would be fruitless. Therefore, I looked online for any organization in Spain that might help. The one I found is called Confederacion Autismo Espana at https://autismo.org.es/. I would suggest you check out this website and try to contact them, explain your situation, and see if they can provide you with leads to help. Now, as for the furry fandom, it can actually be helpful to you. Here is an entire article (ending in a video) about furries with autism, the challenges they face, and how being involved in the fandom can actually help you. Here is a documentary about furries with autism that might be of use to you. So, to summarize, my recommendation is to reach out to Confederacion Autismo Espana and to the furry community. Since your family is not helpful and psychologists have proven ineffective, it is time for you to find other avenues for assistance and support. I hope the above information will be helpful to you. Good Luck! Bear Hugs! Papabear Dear Papabear,
I’m new here. I've very recently been delving myself into parts of the furry community, but yet even though I've drawn and thought about my own fursona, love seeing others fursonas, and have always in my life supported and loved seeing furries share art and fursuits, I feel so disconnected from it all. It feels uncomfortable to call myself a furry even if rationally I am one. My partner says I’m in denial. I suppose I’ve just had a long history since childhood of supporting furries while not necessarily being a furry myself. I liked my friends, and I defended them at a time where discrimination was rampant. I’ve had best friends, family, and now a partner who are all furries and love them all. I love the art and creativity in this community so much. Now I find myself in the realization that I’m interested in the community, and I like making fursona art for instance; but even though I have all this it feels weird to call myself a part of this community. I feel like I have to earn the title of being a furry and I don’t know where I got this notion from because, rationally, I know of course not. I think I feel too disconnected from the community to claim myself to be a part of it. It feels odd to me to just call myself a furry; it doesn’t feel that simple to my brain. It feels like a sort of commitment or a big identity and something that needs history behind it. I don’t know how to explain my thoughts. I have countless theories of just why I could be feeling so disconnected and uncomfortable at calling myself a furry. But I don’t know why or how. I’m sorry for this ramble ..., but I would like guidance on this. How can I, as a newcomer, feel comfortable calling myself a part of this community? How can I feel more connected and, I suppose, feel "deserving" to being a furry? Am I in denial? Anonymous (age 18) * * * Dear Furiend, Thank you for your letter. First thing you must do! THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT SO DO NOT IGNORE WHAT I AM ABOUT TO TELL YOU OR YOU WILL REGRET IT FOREVER AND EVER!!! *CUE FLASHY RED LIGHTS AND SIRENS! PANIC AND RUN AROUND IN RANDOM PATTERNS AS YOU SCREAM IN TERROR!* calm ... down ... and be more like Baloo (more below on that). The furry fandom has no organization to it. No membership fees. Hell, there aren't even strict guidelines on what qualifies you as a furry or not. Everyone has a different opinion. Scientists are even confused. In the book Furscience: A Decade of Psychological Research on the Furry Fandom (IARP, 2023), about the only thing a group of sociologists and other researchers could agree on is that furries are people who have "a fan-like interest in stories, art, media, and fantasies featuring anthropomorphized animal characters." However, having an interest in such things doesn't mean you have to be a furry. I mean, there are millions of people out there who like movies, cartoons, TV shows, and books featuring anthros, and they don't call themselves furries. My fursuit maker, the talented Beastcub, is heavily involved in furcons and doing commissions, but she doesn't consider herself a furry. There are authors who have been invited to be guests of honor at furcons who don't think of themselves as furries (Robert J. Sawyer, author of the "Quintaglio Ascension Trilogy" springs to mind--I recommend his books, btw). R. Crumb, author of the Fritz the Cat comics, would spit in your face if you called him a furry. But I digress.... When it comes to labeling oneself, there are several options here: 1. You might like anthro stuff, but you do not consider yourself furry. 2. You can be a furry hobbyist (being involved in the fandom and all that it entails) 3. You can be a furry lifestyler (fanship), which means identifying personally with anthros in various ways, but not necessarily being active in the fandom 4. You can be both a hobbyist and a lifestyler (when this goes to the far end of the scale and your life is basically all about furry, you are talking about being "furry trash," which is a fun label, really, and not meant to be insulting) You can be any of these things to varying degrees or none of them. Look, being a furry is not like coming out about your sexual identity. This isn't about genetics or even psychology (unless you're a Lycan or Therian, which is a whole nuther conversation). If you don't want to be considered a furry because you aren't comfortable with that, then that is totally fine, and people like your partner shouldn't accuse you of being in "denial" or anything like that. Do what you want to do, be what you want to be, and identify as you feel you truly are without apologies. As for your comment that you feel like you have to somehow "earn" the right to be called a furry: nonsense. Anyone can call themselves a furry if they like. And if anyone tries to gatekeep you, tell them Papabear told them to stick that attitude where the sun don't shine. Furthermore, your "countless theories" comment indicates you are waaaaaaaaaaay overthinking this, my furiend. Which leads me back to Baloo, my "Bear Necessities" inspiration. Baloo enjoys his jungle, eating, and sleeping, and he doesn't worry about much other than that other than his friends. He's a very happy bear. We should all emulate him. In this world, when it comes to things you have to do, there are only a few things that qualify: 1. You have to eat and drink. 2. You have to poop and pee. 3. You have to breathe oxygen. 4. You have to sleep. Literally everything else is optional, so don't let others tell you what you have to do. Such people are usually just trying to control or manipulate you, and that includes some people in the fandom. Take all this artificial pressure off yourself--pressure being applied both from without and from within--and just enjoy furry stuff if that's what you want to do. You don't have to attend furmeets or furcons if you don't want to, or go on furry social media, or even create a fursona if you don't want to. Or, if you do, go ahead. But even doing so doesn't mean you have to identify as a furry. I mean, when it comes to avatars, just think of people who play World of Warcraft or Dungeons and Dragons and create an anthro character of some sort. Many of them aren't furries, yet they might have, say, a character who is a kobold or maybe they are a dragon or a minotaur warrior or something like that, characters that would fit right into the fandom, and yet they are not furries. And there's nothing wrong with having lots of furry friends and family members and yet not being a furry yourself. This is called being a fur ally. My last two husbands have been fur allies. Cool people. You can be like that if you wish. I hope my words have eased your mind somewhat. Stop pressuring yourself, stop torturing yourself, stop feeling like you have to make a decision about this. You don't. And if someone asks you if you are a furry, just say, "Well, I have furry friends and I like the art, but I don't have a fursona and I'm cool with just being me right now and enjoying the ride," or something of that nature. No need to commit one way or the other. If that frustrates people, that's their problem, not yours. Blessed Be, Papabear Hello Papa,
I recently just got a fursuit commissioned and I really love how it came out. I posted a vid of me dancing in it on the fursuit Reddit, and one of the replies asked if my suit was one of a character from the show My Hero Academia. After I looked up the character I didn’t think they looked too alike, but I also have diagnosed OCD, with a very long history of obsessions over appearance/originality/etc. This is something that’s really bothering me. I know most people who see the suit don’t even think about this character because inherently they don’t look alike, but it’s tough to see this after getting the fursuit which cost a lot of money. I've been having intrusive thoughts telling me that MHA is gonna sue me or something and the internet is gonna say that my character isn’t original. I know this is extremely irrational and kind of ridiculous, but it would be nice to get some insight. I will assure you though, that when you see both characters side by side, you may ask yourself why this person asked if they were alike. Thank you for reading, and I hope you have a great day! :) EJ * * * Hi, EJ, Not sure if you got my earlier email asking if you could share pics of your fursona and the My Hero Academia (MHA) character, but since I didn't hear back, I will just reply given the information I have from your email. When it comes to copyright violation, I'm confident you have nothing to worry about. In order for you to be in clear violation, your fursona would need to have an unmistakable resemblance to the MHA character. That resemblance should not only be physical, but also be applicable to things like their behavior, background story, and even catch phrases. As you noted, "most people" who have seen your fursona have not mentioned that it looks like a pre-existing character. You are reacting, apparently, to ONE person making ONE remark about your character. This was, sadly, enough to trigger your OCD issues. I assure you, EJ, all of this has to do with your OCD talking. You have absolutely nothing to worry about. If it makes you feel any better, I have seen out-and-out duplications of Disney characters at furcons, and nobody was ever sued. For example, I once bumped into a furry dressed as Brer Fox from Disney's Song of the South. I spoke with them briefly, and they were even imitating their speech patterns and mannerisms. This was years ago, and the furry never was sued. And this is Disney, a company well known for filing lawsuits. Of course, MHA is not owned by Disney. The primary owner of the show is Viz Media, which is not known to be as lawsuit happy as Disney. However, they did recently win a $26 million lawsuit against 100 entities that were profiting off their shows using clear copyright infringement. Again, these were not in the same league as you and your fursuit. They were clearly profiting off stolen intellectual property, which is definitely not what you are doing. Now, just to cover the bases, there are some circumstances to note here.
Since you already know your fears are "irrational," I hope the above provides a bit more support for an argument you already understand: You are not going to get in trouble with your fursuit because: 1) it really is not that similar to the cartoon character, according to you and most other people, 2) you are not doing anything for profit, and 3) you are not doing anything that can be construed as libelous, slanderous, or defamatory. You're fine. Relax and enjoy your new fursuit! Bear Hugs! Papabear Hey Papa Bear,
Here in Ho Chi Minh City, everyone is poor lol, but I recently noticed that all the furries I see tend to be really rich. Like, they are buying everything they see in the mall, at street stands, at the Ben Thanh market, everywhere! I guess I was just wondering.... How do you furries make all these damn dong (Vietnamese dollars for y'all Yankees)?! Like, are y'all computer programmers? NASA engineers? Facebook marketers? I don't understand. In my small village (Da Nang), everybody farms papaya or banana or another tropical fruit, and we don't make shit for cash, bruh. HELP ME. WHERE DOES THE MONEY COME FROM???? I want one of those fancy fursuits with the fans and the scent emiters and the sexy butt plugs that are also tails.... Anyway, thanks, Papabear, I love you and I want to get CRACKED by a BIG BEAR ASAP XD (you know what I'm saying....) Love you, big guy. Sincerely, VietTiger (age 22) * * * Hi, VietTiger, Are these furries tourists or are they Vietnamese furries? I'm not too clear on that point. If they are tourists from the USA, Canada, and Europe, then they probably have more cash on hand than your average Vietnamese person. Also, if they are tourists, right away it means they have the cash available to travel across the globe, which means they have money to buy stuff for fun. If you mean that you are watching furries from other countries online, then these are also likely to be people from the U.S. and Europe/U.K. because that is where the majority of furries live. Again, they will tend to have more cash than a Vietnamese citizen. The average Vietnamese makes about $US 320 per month; the average American makes about $US 5,000 monthly. When it comes to American citizens (let's stick with those for now, since it is the population with which I am most familiar), you will find income levels ranging from quite poor to very well-to-do people. Furries work all kinds of jobs from minimum-wage service jobs to high-tech jobs, academic positions, and people in the sciences. Yes, many furries work in IT fields, and, indeed, the running joke is that "Furries run the Internet." Many furries are very much into high tech work, while others are very artsy, and still others are both techy AND artsy. For some information on furry incomes, check out this link: 1.5 Income - Furscience. And here is some data on furry employment: 1.6 Employment - Furscience Meanwhile, back in Vietnam, yes, many people work in agriculture. While you earn less, you also don't have to spend as much to get by. If a person makes about $1,200 a month in Vietnam, they can live very comfortably; in the USA, you need about five times that to be comfortable. So, let's get to the core of what you're really asking, which, I believe, is something like, "How can I buy a fursuit (and other furry stuff) when I live in Vietnam and don't make a lot of money?" I have a couple of ideas that might lower costs for you:
Don't be too envious of Americans, by the way. We are on the precipice of a hard economic downturn that will plunge us into a recession or depression soon. The U.S. economy is dying, thanks to the Orange Turd and his followers, and as the country falls apart, you won't be seeing many furries spending lots of money anymore. Those days may very well be gone soon. If you have a good internet connection in Da Nang, you might consider exploring the virtual reality world of VRchat and SecondLife. While fursuits will likely be popular for a long time, the solution for many furries who can't afford furcons or getting suits made is to create an avatar for the online world. While furries are still to be found in SecondLife, increasingly, it is VRchat that is becoming the preferred place to be a virtual furry. The big difference between SecondLife and VRchat is that VRchat offers a 3D experience, but you can only do that if you have VR goggles (about $300 and up). Now, you don't HAVE to have the goggles to be in VRchat, but most people do.
I hope this helps you, at least a little. Remember, you can be a furry and not own a fursuit. The majority of furries are without fursuit. You can explore drawing, gaming, writing, or simply social networking and text RPGs. There are a lot of options to have fun in the furry fandom. Good Luck! Bear Hugs! Papabear P.S. *I blush at your compliment* Dear Papabear,
I recently lost my job, and I’m struggling more than I know how to explain. I had a real passion for it, and it was something I worked very hard to gain. For once, I felt like I was on the right track, building something, making progress. It gave me purpose, momentum, a reason to believe I was finally doing something worthwhile with my life. And now it’s gone, I wasn't cut out for it, I found it way too difficult and they got rid of me because I wasn't capable of keeping up with it. Since losing it, I feel like I’ve screwed up everything. Not just my job, but my whole future. I keep thinking: what if this was my only shot? What if I’ve made myself unemployable? I'm scared that I’ve made the wrong choices, that I’ve let people down, and that I’ve ruined something I worked so hard for. I feel like I’ve failed before I ever really got started, and that I've somehow screwed my life up this much. To make things harder, my boyfriend from the US is dealing with depression. And I love him a lot. But I feel so helpless. I can tell he’s in pain, and I want to help him, and show him he's not alone. It's like I'm watching the life slowly get sucked out of someone and it makes me feel like I’m crumbling too. I can barely get through the day myself, and that makes me feel like I’m failing him as well. I want to be his safe place, but I can’t even be my own right now. Then there’s this pressure I've started to carry around constantly ever since I hit 25, I just feel different now. My cousin’s already a dad. He has a house, a job, a family. Meanwhile, I feel like I’m still trying to figure out how to stand up straight. I start asking myself: am I wasting time? Should I be more focused on getting my life “together”? Am I being foolish for trying to make a long-distance relationship work while everything else is falling apart? Am I *ever* going to make any of this work or is this just a pipe dream that I need to let go of? Some days I think: maybe I’m just not cut out for this. Maybe I’ve been lying to myself about what I’m capable of and I don’t know what direction to go in anymore. I don’t want to give up, but it’s hard to find hope when everything feels so heavy and uncertain. I guess I’m just asking: what do I do from here? * * * Dear Glyn, Everyone in this world will experience a unique journey of some kind. No two lives will be the same, so the first thing you need to do is absolve yourself of the onus that your life should be like someone else's. Just because you don't have a job right now, aren't married with kids and a mortgage, and doing all the things society says are measures of "success" doesn't mean you are lost. You haven't "screwed up" just because you have had some setbacks. Indeed, for all you know, losing that job might turn out to be a blessing. What if you had stayed in that job, doing what was expected of you, working the weekly grind, paying your taxes, etc., and because you were doing that you never discovered that your real talent lay somewhere else entirely? Maybe now you have an opportunity to explore other options. So, first lesson above was "Don't compare yourself to others, and don't compete with them." Second lesson is to put aside what is expected of you and try to explore what you really want to do. You write that you had a passion for that job, but your bosses apparently felt you were struggling too much to keep up. That might be because they were poor managers and gave you too much to do, or it might be that you really couldn't manage the job. If the former is the case, then perhaps you can find similar work with another company and do better there; if the latter is the case, then it may be time to explore other career paths. You are far from unique in switching careers. In fact, it is the norm. Check out this article, for example, which states, among other things, that the average person will change careers 7 times and hold 12 different jobs. The fact that you are 25 and just changing careers for the first time probably even puts you below the curve. So, you lost one job. That's okay. You haven't let anyone down; pretty much everyone loses a job at some point in their lives. You only let others down if you stop trying. Don't give up. You have options. You could look for temporary work in various fields to see what might suit you; you could hire a career counselor; you could go back to school; you could start freelancing in your field of choice and become self-employed. I assure you, that job you lost was not your only shot. You are young and have a LOT of living yet to do. As for your long-distance boyfriend--yes, LDRs are very challenging; yes, if you're not in a good place yourself, it is much more challenging to help others. Just as with the job, though, you're putting too much pressure on yourself. It is not up to you to solve your boyfriend's problems with depression. All you need to do--and all anyone should expect you to do for someone you care about--is be there and listen. That's what relationships are about: leaning on each other in bad times and celebrating good times. You are struggling and so is he. This is a time when you are both lucky enough to have a sympathetic and loving ear to speak to, a shoulder to cry on. Let him talk to you, and you, in turn, should talk to him and share your troubles. You can even cry together. That makes for a beautiful and compassionate relationship, knowing the two of you can be there for each other. That's the job you signed up for. You're not necessarily a "fixer." You're a friend and a confidante. Fortunately, modern tech makes that possible even when you are thousands of miles apart. You can do a video chat on WhatsApp and it's almost like being there. As long as you are there for him to listen and care, you are not failing him. Our modern society often acts like life is a race towards a goal and if you're not in peak condition and running as fast as you can, you're letting down your team. Bullshit. Life is not a race. It's a dance. The purpose of the dance isn't to cross the ballroom floor and exit the room; it's to enjoy the movement, the graceful circles, dips, and sways, which are all the more fun if you have a partner but can be awesome even as a solo (with a nod to Alan Watts). You were not put on this earth to have a career, build a family, buy a house, and hoard money for retirement. While some of those might be involved in the dance, none of them are essential. No, the purpose of life is to discover your humanity and the awesomeness of creation and of life. Other than that, the only necessary things are eating, sleeping, breathing, and excreting waste. Stop trying to achieve goals and fulfill expectations and learn to simply live. Bear Hugs, Papabear This is not so much a question as an update to an update, and a sign for others to not give up hope.
Fifteen years ago, I left a relationship that was highly toxic and borderline abusive. I resolved to enjoy myself in all sorts of ways, and I wrote asking if this was normal or if I was overreacting. Not long after that, the Universe dropped a Dragon in my lap. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. We are still going strong nearly twelve years on. We now live together, with two other roommates, in an almost frighteningly harmonious arrangement. It helps that we're all mature, sane adults with similar interests, and the other two are a couple who have been together even longer than I and my Dragon. It's not perfect, it takes work from all of us in concert, but it is a comfortable and equitable arrangement for all of us. Never say never, and don't stress out if you don't find The One©. Life's what happens while you're busy making other plans. Stilghar * * * Hi, Stilghar, Thanks for the happy news update! Papabear Hi Papabear,
Since 3 years ago I noticed that I haven't done anything with my life. The only things I do are home school, piano, gaming, and drawing. I don't have any friends, except a few from a big online gaming platform. Here recently I've been wanting to join a forum, like one for people who are also interested in the furry hobby, and I ask you if you know of anything good. I was originally on FA (not a great site for minors; I was 13) and I didn't like the site, but that was the only one I knew. I would be looking for friends in real life, but I don't go out much. Love too, though. I'm not that great at writing, so I'm going to leave it off there. One extra question though: Does dragnuki sound good as a combo word of dragon and tanuki? Fern the Dragon Tanuki * * * Hi, Fern, I think that the safest places for you right now at your age would be mainstream social media such as Facebook that restricts porn and other adult stuff. For example, on Facebook there is a group called Clean, Straight Furries ((2) Clean, Straight Furries | Facebook) that should be quite safe. I believe they are fine with minors joining, and they are fine with LGBTQ people despite the title of the group (I'm a member despite being gay). There are over 5,000 members in that group, so it should be a pretty safe place to start. As for "not doing anything with your life," you're only 16, so give yourself a break. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate, including school, piano, art, and gaming. Since you're home schooled, you probably spend a bit too much time at home. I would recommend you try to find some outside activities of some kind, whether that is sport, charity work, or simply finding a social club of some sort. You need to get out of the house more, I think, and online furry activities will not help much with that. It's much easier to make friends if you're actually meeting people face-to-face in the real world. As to the last question, yes, dragnuki sounds like a portmanteau of dragon and tanuki. There's nothing wrong with that. Hope that helps! Stay Fuzzy! Papabear Hello, Papabear,
Is it a furry if a human uses transformation by nanotechnology to morph into anthropomorphic animals? Uses digital construct nanotechnology? Skorge * * * Hi, Skorge, What an interesting question :) Thanks for posing it. Traditionally, a furry is simply an anthropomorphized animal. This can mean anything from feral critters that communicate and express emotions like humans but who live mostly like animals (e.g. Watership Down) to bipedal characters that are very human in the society they live in and in being bipedal and acting human in every way. But, even early in the fandom, it could also mean aliens that have animalistic forms or mythological creatures that talk and think like humans. Usually, these furry characters take whatever form they are in from birth, we assume. But, of course, there are also many transformation stories. Transformations (from human to animal, but also at times the reverse) commonly occur with the use of some kind of magical spell or other. This goes back to ancient mythological tales to modern literature and TV/film stories (e.g. Turning Red). Another method of transformation is through the use of science. This can be a slow process (e.g. H.G. Wells' The Island of Dr. Moreau, the "Uplift" sci-fi novels by David Brin), or it can be a quick process (the "Animorphs" books in which an alien gifts five youngsters the power to turn into animals). The Animorphs books, in fact, use the premise that this transformation is accomplished through the use of advanced nanotechnology. I think it's pretty safe to say that Animorphs qualifies as being a fiction series that falls under the umbrella of furry fiction. High-tech stuff is increasingly popular in the modern fandom. Cyborg tech has led to the creation of protogens and primagens, for example. I have also been seeing fursonas in the fantom that are 100% robots that take on animal shapes. In summary, one can say that a furry character is pretty much any non-human being that has an animal form. Whether this is achieved by natural biology, magical forces, or advanced technology doesn't really matter. A long time ago, there was a debate among those in the early fandom whether to call ourselves furries or anthros. Furries won, but I kind of wish they hadn't because "furry" only describes anthros that are covered in fur (or, at least, hair), and that never applied to all anthros (e.g. reptiles, avians, fish...). And now, with the increasing number of cybertronic "furries," it is even less apt to call ourselves "furries." But that is how language works. Kind of like the name Holy Roman Empire, which was not an empire, wasn't Roman, and certainly wasn't holy. That's just how things go sometimes, but I digress. To answer your question: yes, you can call an anthropomorphic animal that becomes such through the use of nanotech a "furry." And if people object, that's their problem. Don't let people gatekeep you. Have a Happy Day! Papabear |
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An excellent article on coming out LGBT to Christian parents.
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