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Dear Papabear,
It's Bonez again, and thank you! I finally remembered to check and see if you replied, and you did! Thank you! You're so awesome! Anyways, I would like to get more stuff off my chest since I am still having a hard time and I am kinda loosing my friends. Myself : I'm almost 13 years old, I like music (alternative rock, metal, grunge, punk rock. My fav bands are AIC, AFI, TOOL, And The Misfits ), I like to watch shows (my favorite show right now is Murder Drones, yes, my child is N!! ), I am a proud member of the furry community (I have multiple fursonas, obviously!), my style is an attempt of goth / emo / alternative. I am a proud trans guy (I prefer He/Him, but I am also okay with They/Them! I go by Crow now as my new name!!), and I love to draw! I express myself at school, but at home I cannot. All of those things I just listed are my TRUE interests. All that I have to hide from my parents. I wish I could just be myself. My Father : About my family: My dad he has threatened me multiple times (just with words, no actual violence or anything). He has threatened to end me like twice or something; he has threatened to make me go sleep outside or something multiple times. Once, I was taking down his action figures because my littlest sister was too afraid to go downstairs (wimp!), and he said, “STOP!” But I kept boxing it up because my mother told me to, and she always controls everything (I will tell you more about her later), and I kinda fear her because she yells and cusses all the time. So, I kept packaging it up, and he said, “If you don't stop, I’ll snap your fingers!” So, obviously I just left, and he yelled later to put it away. There was another recent time when my dad found marker smeared on the wall from the people who lived here in the past and he yelled at me for that because I love to draw, plus I am obviously the least favorite child; they are always comparing me to them. FAVORITETISM. He said to me, “If I find another marker or drawing supplies anywhere in this house, I WILL MAKE YOU CHEW AND SWALLOW IT!” Just, wow. Like, dude, I didn't do this. I tried to tell him, but he obviously didn't believe me. He has called me out for "lying," "cheating," and "stealing." He has called me "the devil" before. He has told me that I am overweight, which I am. I hate that about myself. He invades my personal space, trying to hug me or whatever even after I say "no" a bunch of times. He’s always complaining about the house not being clean. He makes fun of furries and therians whenever he sees one (which also hurts my feelings, but I don't say anything). He says, “You are such a crybaby” or “Stop whining” a lot. On September 21, 2026, I cried because I am failing at school, having something 3 weeks late that I needed to complete, and my mom took it away from me. He said, “Stop crying, you big baby” and “You are a wimp” and “You need to grow up.” Really mentally abusive. On October 12, 2026, he has said multiple times that tonight would be hell because my mom has put all of my things on the floor, making a huge mess. I feel like a mess, though. He also on October 12, 2026, he was yelling at us saying “Why the F**** do I care how you live after I leave” and stuff like that. He is threatening to stop paying for our house multiple times, claiming he is “Tired of this.” Guess what? I’m tired of this, too! But no one believes me. Ever. Just because I am a “child,” he says I don’t have stress. What the heck!?! My Mother : My mother, she is controlling. She controlled me not to like cats when I was little (I love cats now!! She wants all the cats to die! THAT IS MEAN TO ME BECAUSE MULTIPLE OF MY FURSONAS ARE CATS!!!) She controlled me to not like my relatives on my dad’s side. She coughs up this weird mucus crap, daily. I tell her to go to the ER multiple times because this is NOT normal! She has choked on these before! She says I'm grounded if I tell her to go to the ER! How messed up is that?!? It gets worse, trust me. She blames everything on me. Dad yells at her for not cleaning enough or whatever. She’s like: “Esamae didn’t do her job!! It's not my fault, talk to her!” Like that, pretty much. She likes to control EVERYTHING! She will rummage through all my stuff, control the amount of bracelets or keychains I have on me, or control the clothes I wear! SHE IS TRYING TO TURN ME INTO A GIRLY GIRL!! I AM A GUY!!! But I cannot tell her. She also wants me to make different friends!! She threatens to send me to a different school! She might send me to a military school or Boystown! My mom likes to take my school stuff after 10:00 and put it away, when I am trying to catch up on work I missed!! I end up having a mental breakdown afterward about not being good enough or failing. Most likely all of the above. She claims she loves me, but I honestly don’t really believe that (I don’t think that’s normal…). My Littlest Sister, Milliahna (8 yrs, I think) : She obviously does not know how to keep secrets, so I cannot trust her with anything. I lo key kinda scared of her because she is always kissing my lips!!! EWW! WITHOUT my consent!! Sexual Assault!!! The sexual assault gets worse though. Just warning you… That's all that I really have about her. The Middle Child, The Child I Fear, Amiah (10 yrs I think about to be 11): She is the WORST sibling!! Stupidly, I told her everything about my interests, now she just uses this phrase, “... or else!!” We all can tell what that means already. Daily, I have to deal with her "or else" and her threats to tell about myself. Therefore, I am her maid!! I walk on EGSHELLS. Every day, 24/7. She sexually assaults me every day. Top parts, and bottom part (back). She claims it’s just to annoy me, but I know she likes it, a lot. She makes me feel pretty unsafe. My VERY Supportive Household : Anti-furries Verbal fights Divorce threats (feels like I have to stop them all the time) Favoritism You know what my sisters do, my parents don’t It feels like I cannot do anything right There was an incident where the cops were called. Bullies At School / Friends : My mom is trying to make me popular or whatever. Nope. 0% chance of that. Everyone knows I’m a furry at school. Not ashamed. Nope. On Sep 21, 2026, the annoying group of girls came up and asked what I identified as for the 3rd time. I told them to go away, and they left. I almost cried about my pain at school on the same day, about more than three times. I stopped myself, though. I had a friend, but now they’re ignoring me. That’s really hurting me even more right now. I feel like I am an outcast in my own friend group. I feel as if I am an intruder. It feels like I do not belong. That hurts. I’m too scared to speak up or tell anyone, though. Because my true thoughts and feelings do not matter. I wish I could fit in, but that will never happen. My Negitivity : I am so negative. I am this way because of all the things my Mother, Father, and Amiah have put in my head. And, yet, I believe all this, and more. Conclusion : I really hate this and wish it was different. I wish I had a family and household that actually supported me. I wish I could stop failing at school, at my friendships. At everything. Gosh, I'm tired of it. But I am going to have to deal with it, like I have been saying forever. I feel so alone. I would really like some help, but I am to afraid of asking for it. I have looked up sympoms of depression, anxiety, and mental abuse and I have a lot of those. I also took some tests, and they all said things like "Your family's toxic" or "You show signs of mental abuse." I really, really, really want to run away, or go to a friends' house, but I am too scared of the consequences. I wish I could express myself and live somewhere else. But I cannot. Thanks for reading this huge letter, again! Lots of hugs, Bonez * * * Hi, Bonez, Yes, you wrote me last month here A 13-Year-Old Furry Is a Victim of Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse about most of these concerns. In that letter, I replied to all the things you mention in this letter, suggesting some nonprofits like RAINN for help or, if things get really badly abusive, to contact child welfare at your local Lincoln, Nebraska, office. There's really not much else an advice columnist such as myself can do to help except to offer sympathies. You are in a bad situation, hon, and you really should start seeking some help from professionals because this emotional abuse and, potentially, sexual abuse has gotten out of hand. I think your siblings, honestly, are getting abused by your father or else they wouldn't act this way. It is very troubling. If you get assaulted by your parents, please do not hesitate to call 911 for immediate help. Hugs! Papabear P.S. Sorry I cannot reply to you directly as you are still using a school server that blocks outside emails.
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Dear Papabear,
I have been a furry for a long time, and I very much do want a fursona. Now I want to be specific that I’ve been trying to make a fursona that feels personal to me due to not wanting it to just be a “mask,” but how do I do that when I’ve lived a life mostly of just wearing “masks” to the point I don’t even know if I actually understand who I am anymore? I’ve gone through numerous species trying to pick one, and even now I can’t feel a connection to most if any that I can tell. I suppose maybe I’m trying too hard, but then again, I don’t know. I’ve tried various ways and even thought of applying aspects of my life in figuring out a species to pick, like looking at the games I play, whether they be video games or card games, or trying to think back to movies and shows that involve animals or something I could link to picking an animal and activities, but it’s still been a challenge, and I don’t know if I should mention the specifics of my likes in this letter. While I know I can have multiple fursonas or OCs, it feels like too much to manage for things like art of them or just feeling like a “betrayal” to myself, like I’m fracturing myself into pieces, if that makes any sense. I don’t know if this would help in knowing for a better response, but I suppose some things I have managed to at least re-understand about myself is that I’m very nature and horror oriented, and I do feel an odd pull or connection to islands and water/ocean themes, and this connection even applies to a lot of the media, games, characters and activities that I like. However, I also have this weird polar opposite pull toward deserts and earth themes which is applied in some of the same ways as the water themes. Though I’d say the water-themed ones might be greater than the earth themes. Rox * * * Hi, Rox, My first reaction to your letter is yes, you are overthinking it. My second reaction is that everyone wears masks in our society. The ironic thing is that having a fursona can actually help you be more yourself! And having a fursuit can really really help you be yourself--I know it does for me :) If you just want to pick one fursona, that's cool. No reason you have to have multiple fursonas. One solution, if you're having trouble selecting just one species, might be to create a hybrid fursona out of two or more species; another solution would be to create an original species that accommodates all the physical and personality features that you like best. Now, not to pick a species for you, but if you were to ask me, based on what you said about your being drawn toward the ocean but also desert and earth themes, I would suggest a pinniped species could be most suitable for you. Pinnipeds include seals, sea lions, and walruses. I think seals and sea lions are especially appealing. They are kind of like the dogs of the ocean: smart, playful, and adorable. They are comfortable in the sea as well as on land (especially sea lions), and they really like sunning themselves on land. So, imagine yourself splashing about in the ocean and then relaxing on a dry, sandy, sunny beach. Sounds like a good combo to me! But if that doesn't appeal to you, try again to pick what you like. Make sure you don't worry about what other people believe you should choose as a species (including me), or what you think the furry community will say or what opinions they have about this or that species (there are stereotypes of certain animals, as you might be aware). Make sure you remove all your masks and trust your instincts: What is your favorite species? What physical characteristics do you like the most? How about favorite colors? What kind of character is it? That is, do they have some kind of cool job or belong to a particular subculture (e.g., a character who is a P.I. in a steampunk setting, a punk rocker in the 24th century, a shy artist in 18th-century Venice; the choices are endless). Trust yourself when picking your fursona. Don't overthink it. Don't worry about the opinions of others. This is all about you. Does that help? Good Luck! Papabear Dear Papabear,
When it comes to grief in general, I have always been familiar with it being talked about more commonly / felt AFTER the event causing it has happened. Recently, I was able to discover that there is a more specific term within the spectrum of grief called "anticipatory grief" that has resonated with me; in a nutshell to my understanding, it's grief felt BEFORE the "expected event" has yet to happen. That said, my question is wondering if you have dealt with this feeling, known others who have dealt with this feeling, coping with it, have any other insights on it, etc. For context, I am a gay furry (binturong - it's a "bearcat") in my late 20's that has been with my husband, who is in his early 70's, for the now coming up 7 years ("barely" identifies / engages with the furry community after me giving him some exposure to it through our local furry convention BLFC, but we do take part in our own private, local gay social circle, he and I both love bears, and I get the pleasure of calling him my "huzzy bear" as my term of endearment for him). Using this time to self-reflect a bit (a lot), all things considered, honestly, things are going quite well in my life per Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Basic needs / job is stable. Social Circle is stable. Self-fulfillment through music is stable (going to be performing with my jazz band at the upcoming BLFC next month October that our group has been fortunate to be able to do every year - a new face showed up during our summer rehearsals, who I see a lot of myself in, of course, he loves bears as well - my body deciding to randomly wake up 4:30ish this morning, I was looking over the BLFC panel schedule this year for any panels he, I, and his friend group would like to go to - he'll be introducing me to them for dinner before our jazz gig tonight - this is how I stumbled upon finding out you are going to be doing a BLFC panel and then discovering this column...) I think the subtle fear / "anticipatory grief", that has been existing in the background, is that I feel I owe a great part of my own personal fortunes comes back to my husband being able to provide the environment and unconditional love for me to be able to thrive as I'm able to - at the core of it, I know rationally when he passes, he would like for me to continue living on to be there for myself as well as others (he's a huge proponent that is against suicide) - emotionally, I still worry that I might not have enough strength individually / in my support system to adapt to life after the fact. In our private, local gay social circle (which many members are in the Gen X / Boomer age range), my husband and I have interacted with members whose partners have passed, and it gives me more hope seeing in-person that if others can make it work, I can use exposure to that to strengthen my own resolve; bit by bit, my husband and I are also cognizant of our own age gap and are making adjustments to help my own sense of independence when the time comes (coming from my own childhood background where "learned helplessness" was unfortunately instilled into me and has been a journey for me to grow through that). Still, I don't want our remaining time together to just feel like we're preparing for a reality for when he's no longer around; it's why being a musician is a huge passion for me being able to a share a emotional connection with him in the rawest sense in-between our routine (even though routine is made of all the small things, I feel this still drives a lot of the contentment I feel together). Of course, in the past, I have been vulnerable with him as a writer, and he was very receptive, but perhaps it's the "presentness" of music that feels more meaningful to me to connect with him than when it comes to writing for me which exists more in the "past" / "future". In any case, I haven't written as much currently to an online stranger since I stumbled upon a Reddit thread in which I found out another online stranger happened to seemingly know my late middle school band director (if what he was saying is true, it was interesting learning the high school history they shared together that played part in him becoming a teacher - it gave me closure with finding out about his passing - even before my husband, learning music through my band director feels like it set me on a trajectory to establish the life I have now / discover early on my taste in older guys). To try to wrap things up, since I can't just spend the weekend all day in bed, I think it's wonderful you have this bit of online space for furries / individuals to be open about questions & while it cannot be a substitute for professional help, the kind, thoughtfulness I feel you put into your responses is refreshing to see. While a response would be nice (and maybe even continued contact as unfortunate in my nature to want to stay connected), I always feel a sense of caution about getting too invested in new social interactions; it's important to me to try to balance this investment with making sure I'm properly continuing to cherish my current social relationships. That said, if it takes a month or more for a response, that would help tremendously in letting time sober things up, but I also don't mind if this ends up being a 1-time self-reflection into a vacuum as part of these "confidence in a stranger" itches I have. :) Noirn (age 28) * * * Dear Noirn, It is therapeutic to write down one's thoughts as you have done here, even if you expect no response. If you don't already do so, you might try keeping a journal to the same effect. Journaling is highly recommended by many professionals in the healthcare field. To answer your initial question, indeed, I am experienced with anticipatory grief. Real quick for some background: My first marriage ended in divorce; my second ended when Jim died very unexpectedly and suddenly at the age of 59; now I am married to Michael, who is 17 years my senior, and yes, I often think about what will happen should he go first, which is not the most unlikely of scenarios. I'm currently 61, so, you never know. I could die from various causes or an accident. Life is very unpredictable that way. I thought I would be with Jim for many many more years. On the other hand, although Michael is quite a few years ahead of me, for all we know he could live to be in his 90s, right? Obsessing about what might happen is like worrying whether a comet might slam into Earth and kill us all. But your situation is more extreme, since you are 28 and your husband is in his 70s, which is a much wider gap than the one I have with my husband. Please understand I am not diminishing your legitimate feelings and concerns. First, some practical advice: If you have not already done so, do some estate planning for both your husband and you. Set up a will or trust, whatever is best for your circumstances, life insurance, plans for burial, and so on. When Jim died, he left no will and I was not legally married to him (spiritually, yes; legally, no). This could have been quite the mess, but fortunately he had a very cool family (I still talk to his parents), and things ran smoothly. But I've heard lots of horror stories from others who were not so lucky (and I have no idea what your extended families are like). So, definitely, estate planning. Just knowing that there are plans for when the inevitable happens is a big comfort. Second, record stuff! Record the music. Take videos. Take photos. Make recordings of your time together. If you don't, a lot will be lost. I tried to get Jim to write down things, and he never did. This was a man who had an amazing life. He had worked in radio and TV with people ranging from Howard Stern to Walter Cronkite; he had once had dinner with Ronald Reagan at the White House; he had stories like sneaking into Bette Midler's show at a bathhouse in New York when he was underage and watching her perform with Barry Manilow at the piano; he had tales of his times at Fire Island. Just, I mean, great stuff! But he never wrote it down and it's just the stories I recall that lacked detail. I bet your husband has a lot of memories. Have him write them down or record him talking about them. I'm betting you have researched anticipatory grief a lot, so you know about the symptoms and how it differs from grief after the loss. There is, though, one advantage to anticipatory grief over the other kind, and that is you have time to prepare. When Jim died, as I said, there was no time to prepare. He had a pulmonary embolism and died, literally, in two seconds flat without leaving any plans behind. The problem there was that not only was I grieving my loss, but there was the "WTF do I do now?" panic. My parents, on the other hand, both went slowly, so there was time to figure things out. The other advantage you have over me is that it sounds like your husband is pretty active and in good health. Michael, on the other hand, is disabled and I am now his caretaker. So, our life is pretty limited, but yours is not. Do things with your hubby as much as possible. Make lots and lots of amazing memories. You know, if he is doing things he enjoys and is in reasonable health, he could live another 20 or more years! Oh, and if you don't have one, get a dog :) Dog ownership has been shown in many studies to increase people's lifespans by as much as 24%. Dogs are so damn awesome. I'm not going to pound in obvious clichés like "live for today" and "stress is a killer." You already know all that, I'm sure. I think you know what to do, frankly. You're finding ways to give yourself self-therapy just by writing and talking about it. That's all good stuff. If you like, you can write again and we can chat more. You might also look into this group Anticipatory Grief that is free and will help give you tips and emotional support. Blessed Be, Noirn. And Bear Hugs! Papabear Dear Papabear,
I am dealing with some problems at home, and I don't know what I should do without getting the people at my home in trouble. I have been in the furry fandom since I was 10, and I love fursuits! The thing is, I cannot express myself. I am too scared to. My dad jokes and makes fun of furries; my mom makes fun of therians and thinks therians are furries. I told my sister about my true thoughts (which I regret doing). I like metal, grunge, and alternative rock. I'm Goth; I am transgender; I like to watch "Murder Drones" and "The Amazing Digital Circus" (MURDER DRONES IS BETTER!!) ,and I am a furry. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells to hide all this stuff from my parents. I have to do whatever she says so she won't tell on me. I hate that!! My dad and sister are verbally abusive, and I have been pretty mentally abused. The crazy thing is, I have also been physically/sexaually assaulted by my sister, who is currently 10! She touches me inappropriately all the time! I don't feel that safe around her.... I wish I could just be myself, you know? But I can't. I am in so much mental pain, and I don't know if I can deal with the pain. ( JUST SO YOU KNOW, I AM TOO SCARED TO COMMIT SUICIDE.) I just wish I could leave this toxic family. My mom and dad want to keep me away from my overly supportive friends, who keep me going. Without them, I don't feel like I have a purpose. I am kinda like a guard dog, you know? I like to protect them and be mean and fierce, but I am also like the sweetest doggo on the planet!! But my mom and dad are trying to separate me from them, and that really hurts. On this current day, I feel like I am NOT good enough. I feel like I ruin everything and that's true.... One time, the cops got called because my dad slapped me on the face and that was all. He was pretty mad after that.... EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT!!! I hate this..... I honestly don't know if I can keep doing this.... I kinda hate myself and my life, you know? I just don't wanna talk to anyone about it.... I wish I could just be myself..... I wish I didn't have to deal with this.... I don't know what to do anymore..... Thanks so much for taking the time out of your day to read this letter!! :) *Hugs you* Many thanks + hugs + Bonez the skulldog (age 13) * * * Dear Bonez, Thank you for being so brave as to write and ask for help. Unfortunately, since you emailed Papabear using a school mail server, I cannot reply to you directly (schools block any incoming mail from unknown sources, which I explain on this website). So, it is my hope you will return to this website and see my reply online. I would like to emphasize emphatically (and please forgive the caps) that NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT. You have done absolutely NOTHING wrong. I know you feel that way, but if there is anything I can do to make you feel better, that is the thing I must stress the most. With that said, it is very disturbing what you told me about your 10-year-old sister. That's messed up (again, NOT your fault). Truly, you have hit on an issue that, in all my 15 years writing this column, I have not been asked to address directly: child-on-child sexual abuse, which I will refer to as COCSA for the rest of this letter (and we'll get to your parents, too, don't worry). Not only are you a victim of child abuse, but you are also a victim of incest. This is quite traumatic. According to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN.org), COCSA has not been recognized very long and is thus not an official term for the problem, although it is a term commonly used in the psychology community. It must also be stressed here that COCSA is not the same as normal child sexual play (sometimes referred to as "playing doctor") in which children are just exploring and getting to know their anatomy. COCSA, on the contrary, involves forced sex, including inappropriate touching, penetration, and, in many cases, physical and emotional abuse involving pain and humiliation. These things are obviously not healthy in any way. Why do children like your sister initiate such abuse? More than likely, they have been abused themselves, and this usually comes from a family member. The resulting hurt and anger is then transferred from and projected to their victim--in this case, you. This means that something bad has also been happening to your sister, and she needs help as much as you do. Victims of incest and COCSA suffer many of the same effects as other victims of sex crimes, including PTSD, depression, anxiety, sleep disorders, eating disorders, substance abuse, and suicide. (I'm glad to hear you do not intend suicide, although the thought has clearly crossed your mind.) Bonez, helping you with this is a bit out of my capabilities, so I would like to suggest to you that you contact RAINN's free online help line. Just go to their site at RAINN.org and you'll see a Get Help Now yellow button at the top of the page. Click it and talk to a free counselor who can guide you on what to do. Tell them about your sister, too. I strongly suspect that it is your father who is abusing your sister, who then abuses you. I suspect this because of their loud mockery of furries, and usually when people mock and attack others for their sexual leanings and behavior, it is a form of projection. That is, they project their own inappropriate or ugly sexual practices and desires onto others and then accuse those others of being bad people instead of recognizing it in themselves. If you feel you are being abused--mentally or physically--in your household, there are some people you can contact for help: Child Welfare, Safety and Protection in Lincoln, NE, or, if you are in immediate danger, call 911. There is also RAINN, which has many resources for you. Meanwhile, hold onto your identity as a furry, as trans, as Goth, and whatever else you relate to. And hold on to your friends, too! I'm glad you have some supportive friends! Don't let your family get between you and your pals. They're important. Your dad slapping you in the face is not acceptable. Too bad the cops did nothing. Bonez, you are in a bad situation, it is true. Be careful. Do some research, especially through that RAINN site. If you feel it is safe to do so, you might also talk to an adult at your school. I'm sorry you are going through this, but, again, it is NOT your fault. I hope you will believe me when I say that. Your family is the problem. I hope you see this post. Take Care, Papabear Hello PapaBear,
I am a 28-year-old woman who recently lost her mom. I was her caregiver for 6 years. I am an only child, reserved, shy, and quiet. How do I move on from this and work on myself? People have things going on in their lives and friends etc. I'm a loner, and my mom always told me to work on my health. Yes, I gained weight due to her hospitalizations and being there with her every day when she was there. I don't want to fall into a depression. She was a positive and optimistic person despite her terminal illnesses. She'd always give me pep talks, telling me to believe in myself and that I could accomplish my dreams. I have two associates degrees. I'd only use one, which is Spanish. I am bilingual. I have always had dreams and goals, but unfortuneately, I couldn't achieve them while she was alive due to stress, not having extra help like a therapist, or friends and family close by, etc. How do I move on without failing? BeachLover14 * * * Dear BeachLover14, You certainly have a sympathetic ear with Papabear. I am a caregiver, too, who is still attending to my 100% disabled husband. First of all, though, my condolences for the loss of your mother. She sounds like she was a lovely person, and I'm sure you cared for her and loved her very much and miss her a lot. I don't know whether you are familiar with this, but there is something called caregiver stress syndrome. People who spend long hours every day taking care of loved ones for months and even years are prone to it. Some of the symptoms include anxiety, depression, irritability, anger, fatigue, emotional outbursts, and feelings of helplessness and guilt over having these emotions. Caretakers are also subject to headaches, muscle aches, insomnia, high blood pressure, and a weakened immune system. They often cope by becoming less sociable, neglecting their own health, and indulging in overeating, alcohol, and even drugs. As you can imagine, this is not good for your health, and recent medical studies indicate that, on average, caregivers age and die years before those who are not caregivers. Many caregivers come to resent the ones they are helping, and then they can feel guilty that their feelings of love may wane over time. This doesn't mean they do not love them, but the strain of all the work can have a detrimental effect. It helps that your mom was an optimistic, emotionally supportive person. With me, it helps that Michael, my husband, is also quite a positive person and is supportive of me. Nevertheless, in your email you indicate that you do have some signs of CSS, including withdrawing some from society (you describe yourself as a loner), weight gain, and concerns about your health and that you might be heading for depression. For the last six years, you have trained yourself to put your mother and her needs above yours. Your life has revolved around her to the point that you have lost some of your identity, your sense of self. It is time, therefore, to train yourself to take care of your own needs and dreams, to not feel guilty that you are your number one concern at this time. You have to retrain the neurons in your brain to stop worrying about other people for a while. This is not selfish, it is necessary. Another thing to note: Psychologists call it "caregiver grief." This is different from the regular grief we suffer when a loved one dies. When a caregiver loses the person they were caring for, they lose not only that person but they also lose the role and identity they assumed for years. Some might think it is a relief to no longer have to play that role, but for many caregivers it can be a sad experience, too. You have lost that person you felt you were; you can grieve for that, too. So, not only do you need to allow yourself to grieve for your two losses, but you also need to find that person you are now. There are several things I suggest you do:
Your last question was, "How do I move on without failing?" You can't worry about failing, my furiend. Whether you succeed or fail is not the point. The point is that you need to put yourself first when it comes to your health and mental well-being. Failing occasionally is a part of life. If you fail at something--like a job or taking a class--it's really not a big deal. That just means that something wasn't right for you, and you need to find something else and focus on that. As long as you keep trying and never give up, you are already a success. You've already proven you are not a quitter. After all, you took care of your mom for years and never gave up on her all the way until the end. If you can do that, you can survive anything. You got this! [Now, for all those who are caregivers and their charge is still alive, here is a note for you from someone in the same boat: You might not have the same amount of time that BeachLover has, but you can still set aside time to do something for you. For example, what I personally do is spend some "me time" whenever Michael is asleep (he goes to bed earlier and sleeps in longer than I do). I enjoy peaceful mornings of drinking coffee and watching hummingbirds outside my window. I go for walks. I go to the gym. I visit friends when I can. Now, I have to limit my time away, but I can still do these things. All you need is an hour or two a day to focus on you, and that can really help. Another option that is available for some people is, if you can, turn the reins over to a professional caregiver or to a family member once in a while. Whatever you do, just remember that your life matters, too. Blessed Be.] Bear Hugs, Papabear Hello Papabear!
I just turned 18 back in March. I waited for this moment so I could finally earn cash from the government due to my autism. I discovered furries when I was 8, and I loved the entire idea with my whole heart; this has not changed, luckily :D Lately, I've been really thinking of making a fursuit head, paws and feet. I want to dance to songs as my fursona and share it on the internet. However, here's the catch: My parents do not know that I am a furry, nor do they know what a furry is. My room is filled with a bunch of furry art; they don't really think much about it other than it being childish. The problem is that if I'll buy materials, my mother will ask me what I am up to. She REALLY likes to have control on everything she can lay her hands on, including my privacy. I just want to make my own fursuit without my parents questioning what the hell am I or how weird this is. How should I handle this? Should I just tell them or wait till I live at my very own house? Sincerely, Raine * * * Hi, Raine, Thank you for your letter. Let's go through this step by step. Now, the only way you're going to collect Supplemental Security Income due to being on the spectrum would be if your autism is severe enough to qualify you as disabled. So, you would have to be on the low-functioning end of the spectrum. Even over age 18 and being certified as disabled, you're probably only receiving like $500 to $900 a month (the federal maximum is currently $943/month), yes? Not enough to live on. You're likely going to continue living with your parents, unless you have a job with some good income, but you do not mention that; and if you did, it would probably indicate you're not exactly disabled. If I am correct on this, it means your parents are probably going to be pretty protective of you because they know they have a lot of responsibility for your well-being even though you are 18 now. What you see as Mom wanting to "have control on everything she can lay her hand on, including my privacy" is really her being overprotective. I would bet money on that. And she likely knows more about your interest than you think, seeing as you've been into it for 10 years while living under your parents' roof (I mean, they can't be so dumb that they don't have a clue about your interests, right?) Because she is very protective, she is going to be wary of Furries and will probably — like most parents — make the wrong assumptions. The good news is that she (and your dad, I presume) seem pretty tolerant of your furry stuff so far, not seeing it as a danger but just as something kind of childish. So, what you need to do is educate her a bit about the fandom. A very good introduction to the fandom is a free YouTube documentary by Ash Coyote at The Fandom: A Furry Documentary Full Movie. It provides a good background on the fandom, lots of interviews, and a solid sense of what Furries are about. Watch it. Then, if you agree it's good, ask your parents to watch it with you. Use it as a starting point for discussion about Furries and why you like this fandom. Once the lines of communication are open, you can have an honest conversation about it. Remember, there is nothing for you to be ashamed of here, so don't act embarrassed in front of your parents. The fandom is something that literally hundreds of thousands of people across the planet are involved in, including this 60-year-old bear. It is a place for a bit of escapism, indulging one's imagination, having fun, and making friends, and there is nothing wrong with that. Make sense? Write again if you have further questions. Or you can also tell them to write me directly. I'd be happy to talk with them. Big Bear Hugs, Papabear Hi Papabear,
I'm volunteering at a furry convention that I've been going to for a while now, and I enjoy it. My question is that this is my first time volunteering there, and I'm nervous that I'll mess it up. What should I do to alleviate this fear? Any advice you could give me would be great. Zapper (Utah) * * * Dear Zapper, Good for you for stepping up as a volunteer :D Since you're in Utah, I'm guessing you're going to AWU, yes? And that starts in a couple of weeks, so I imagine you know where you will be volunteering, such as in Ops, or helping in the Dealer Den or with set-up and take down or registration or whatev. I have never been to AWU, but I am pretty sure it operates like any other hotel-based furcon. This means that each aspect of the con will have a person in charge (e.g., there will be someone who is the lead for volunteers in the art room, the fursuit dance, the registration area, and so on). If you haven't already done so, find out who is in charge of your particular group. Then talk to them about any questions you might have. Also, there is usually a volunteer meeting at the beginning of the con (most volunteers make sure they are attending early to make time for that). Definitely go to the volunteer meeting. This is where they will explain policies such as how to handle unruly guests, how to contact security, how to sign in and out of your time slot, and so on. AWU is a medium-sized con that has about 2,500 attendees each year (latest figures), so it shouldn't be too bogged down with organizers being overwhelmed by emergencies and challenges often seen at the huge cons. You should be able to track down someone to get any questions and concerns answered. Every new volunteer makes mistakes. One time, I volunteered for Ops at FC, and let's be honest, I really sucked that time and was not a great help. I talked to the lead afterwards, and they said I did fine and they appreciated the help I gave. I bet you do better than me! Con organizers LOVE their volunteers and always appreciate them, so don't worry if you're not perfect. Have a great con! Papabear Hi Papabear,
I have written multiple times before, but this time I'm "all grown up" (not really but I'm 18) and have finally graduated, feelin' old yet? Anyway, this isn't about that. To be truthful, I haven't actually done any furry stuff in forever. Like, I'm talking the actual last time I still was a cisgender girl lol. I'm trying to get back into it, but it's harder than hell. Within the last couple of years, my family--but especially my brother and father--have been weirdly judgmental and borderline hateful sometimes. Basically, half of the things I am are usually bashed: Furries, MLP fans, trans people, people who make headcanons about fictional characters (especially headcanoning that a character is gay or trans), people who are in relationships or are very attached to fictional characters, and some more, but those are the main ones that are literally me. I know it shouldn't upset me, but the Furries one will always tip me off because my brother will always say stuff like, "Oh, don't go to that discord server" just because "furry" is in the name of the group or whatever (apparently, due to a real thing that happened at some point regarding a furry server and some disgusting stuff being posted in secret channels, but he's obviously doing it to be rude). Another thing is that I am a trans man but still not out. I'm also gay, so I always do headcanons for characters if I see them. My current big interest is the Metal Gear franchise. There are 2 characters--Kazuhira Miller and Big Boss--and I am a big shipper of them as I love both of them as characters, so naturally, I talk about it. I did once and my dad said, "You see gayness where there isn't." He had his tone joking, but I could clearly tell he believed it. Also, weird stuff regarding fictosexual people: my fictional other is Old Snake from MGS4 and has been since I was 15. Anyway, sorry for those long paragraphs. They were for catching up and what brought me here. Here's a big one, and the one that made me want to write this after it happened: So about 2 months after my last message back in May 2024 there was a big incident. My dad was listening to a video; it was those podcasts where they bring in a woman and like insult her just for having OnlyFans and other such ignorant things. Honestly, to me, it felt very much staged. So, I mentioned that I said it felt staged and almost like a strawman. He flew off his handles. He started raising his voice, telling me that saying something like that (that a podcast that just insults women seems like it brings in strawmen to insult them) is very rude and for me to say something like that to rape victims--yes, he thought that was a fantastic comparison. Then we got home and he looked at my mom and said, "You should show them the struggles men face," and, of course, my dad started his whole "straight white men are seen as worse than black people" spiel. Talking to a closeted trans man about it is a tough sell, even back in 2024, due to being in a red state. Sorry about the long email, but I just needed to show everything that catalyzed this email: some old, some new but the question is: How do I be myself when it's bashed and made fun of all the time around me? It seems like nearly every email I've ever sent actually just is this question but presented differently. Thank you for reading my long ramble. GLaDOS The Wolf * * * Hi, GLaDOS, Yes, I recall you. You wrote me back in 2020 and again in 2024. And now you are 18 and morphing into that bizarre land we call adulting ;) You thought kidhood was rough! Wait for Adulting! The Sequel! And yes, I am old. I'm working on my 61st trip around the Sun. And I will have to admit that language is changing fast, and I had to look up headcanon (but I did know shipping and straw man, so I'm not hopeless). Please be understanding toward ol' Papabear, therefore, if I sometimes use old people's words in my reply to you ;) You're just another example of the eternal struggle in societies to be different. So, you have a crush on Metal Gear characters and have some fantasizing about other fictional scenarios--so what? That is actually not unusual at all. It is also normal for people to project their own feelings, inclinations, philosophies, etc. onto characters and plots we see in fiction. Whereas you might project a trans view onto a TV character, your father does the same thing from a straight male perspective (at least, he asserts he is straight). Why do people like your father get so riled up about people who are LGBTQ or are fans of MLP or are Furries or whatev? There's a simple explanation, really. People who have been raised to believe in one view and see the entire world from one perspective find doing so to be very comforting. If everyone, for example, was one race, one sexual orientation (among 2 choices, of course), one nationality, and practiced one religion, things would be predictable, and predictable things are reassuring and not scary. This can be a very scary world, as you likely have already figured out, and when things are scary, unpredictable, and seem dangerous, people try to grasp onto things that seem solid and reliable, such as their religion or the idea that you can only be what you look like on the outside. When people's beliefs are challenged, they get scared, and being scared can lead to anger and shouting. The problem is even worse when someone is not of a particularly high intelligence and is unable to comprehend or accept that things may be more complicated than they were raised to believe. People like that will "bash" you and make fun of you because you are different. You challenge their worldview, and this scares them. They aren't able to handle it. They don't have the brainpower, quite frankly, to imagine that not everything is the way they were told it was. Another scenario is when people who are deeply closeted and cannot admit to themselves that they don't fit the mold society imposes on them react aggressively against anything that violates conservative laws. This is because they are afraid they themselves might not be able to fit what society wants. The possibility is very frightening, and so they become homophobes or bigots to create a protective facade. I'm not saying this is necessarily true of your father, but it is possible. So, your question of "How do I be myself when it's bashed and made fun of all the time around me?" has to do not with you but with your environment, the people surrounding you. The strategies available to you are:
Number 4 is, of course, a stupid option. Number 1 changes nothing. Number 2 is a lie. This leaves number 3 as really the best option. I'm not saying you should move out of the house right now, but since you are 18, I would venture to guess you will be moving out at some point soon to go to school or work or maybe join the military (not really a great option for you, I would suggest) or who knows: something to do with growing up, anyway. If 3 is not an option, though, the next best is number 1, but you will need to learn to deal with it in a very Stoic way. The central premise of the philosophical school of Stoicism is that you need to acknowledge that you can't change who people are (nor can you change that sometimes bad things will happen to you), but what you can change is how you react to them. To do so, you have to recognize that your father and brother are, in their way, suffering from a disability. It is the disability of having a closed mind, for whatever reason. Now, you can try to educate them, sure, but that could take years, a lot of effort, a lot of tears, and it might not work at all. So, get ready for another numbered list (I'm German and have a love of numbered lists).
And don't worry so much, GLaDOS. You're fine! The best thing you can do as you enter the adult world is accept yourself for who you are without shame and, indeed, with pride. Speaking of Pride, what a great letter for Pride Month, yes? Go find your people, hon, and embrace your life and your spirit without apologies. Blessed Be, Papabear [Papabear note: This letter is a follow up to one from April 17]
Dear Papabear, Oh, hi, again, hehe. I think I was busy last month but I really appreciate your answer, well for your recommendations. Lebanon and Jordan are not safe, either, like, totally. I really would get out and live in Europe--well, not France or Germany (I have my reasons)--but I opt for the British Isles. I can find the community, the love, there, the care. The people are supportive, especially those in the LGBTQ+ community and in the furry fandom. This is applicable to Australia and Canada, as you mentioned, but I don't really find myself able to stay peacefully there. Moving on to the organizations, I know that they are doing a great job, but the way they work/act seems to be insufficient to my desires. Plus, the effort they do seems to be weak compared to the Tunisian police system. And I'm not familiar with them because I feel scared of any possible inconvenince or getting caught. With the acceptance percentange and any efforts to end the Section 230 that discriminates against homosexuality, I feel like this might be the magnum opus of our efforts, at least in this period of time. You see, life goes in waves: There is a wave of positivity and a wave of negativity. When we want a change for the good, it can't happen all at once. There are times when we're progressing and others when we're getting brought back. With homosexuality in Tunisia, an 18% percentage of acceptance is promising but with how I witness parents teaching their kids about hating gays and the behaviour/internet users jokes that propagate their hate towards the LGBTQ+ community, I feel like--if there isn't a miracle, of course--that percentage will become lower and lower until the next generations stops the circle of homophobia for real, and the percentage goes higher and higher. That's what I think, though, so idk. I think it's just that Tunisia and the Arab world in general is built differently. Now, let's talk about the virtual world and how it is a good substitute to enjoy furry world. I'm poor (loudly crying emoji). A VR headset costs literally as much as my father's income in 6 months; we're barely living lol. I only rely on this old laptop and my potato Samsung phone. They barely work, but that's fine. I really want to experience the virtual world even though my father thinks it's only for kids (can't wait to see his reaction for furry porn there). Like, I can see that y'all are having fun there, good and nice people, dang I wished I could play it all day. I thought about working a part-time job, but I'm relying on a fund from the higher education ministry to help me with living as a college student. If they know that I work, they'll cut it off, and I'll no longer benefit from it. I thought about probably selling drawing commissions to probably get out, but, sadly, PayPal doesn't exist in Tunisia, or, to be precise, PayPal doesn't function well here. You can send money abroad, but you cannot take money from outside. It's a long story. It is related to a law that was approved in 1976 (you're probably younger than that lol). Anyways, that law states that the possession of any foreign currency that is considered as a hard currency is illegal in Tunisia, and if you have it, then you should change it to the Tunisian currency in the "Banque Tunisienne," the official public bank of the Tunisian government, otherwise you go to jail and the money gets "equipped " by them. That law helps with maintaining the least growth of inflation as possible, which is good compared to other African currencies, even Libya, but, like, come on. There were efforts to fix the law to make PayPal work as normal, but meh, it's Tunisia. Of course there won't be any solutions to this. Since you are more than welcome to hear other questions from me, I have other questions: You see, I engage with gay yiff media, and there is, like, some specific type that I really love. Like, I love men, all types: skinny ones, fat ones, buff ones etc.... But, I really love the old buff furry men with dad bods. It's not like it's a random thing, but I really really really love dad/son incest furry media, especially the porn, like, hot comics/mangas of old, huge, strong furry men with their adult sons. I imagine myself as their sons--dang, I really want my father to kiss me and f*ck me; not my real father, though, like, he's not my type lol, but it's just that I don't want him to be my lover because I feel like there are other men who would be more fine than my dad, or maybe I avoid real incest love, but still. You hear about furry dads? Asgore Dreemurr from Undertale? Mufasa from The Lion King? Bowser? Bandit Heeler? And other fathers that are niche from famous furry artists? I wanna be their loving son who can benefit from their builds and bodies, like, that makes me happy. Even your fursona, lol, nothing beats a caring old furry bear who sounds like a nice person. NGL, I would take a chance on you, hehe. Is that weird? Does it feel awkward? Is it so kinky a lot of people wouldn't like me? Would I find other old furry men in the fandom who would be more than happy to be in that love dynamic? I really hope I find a sound, good answer from you very very soon. :) * * * Dear Adem, Thank you for your interesting letter. I was frankly not surprised by what you related. I was hoping for better, but in my experience, countries with strong religious elements (Muslim, Catholic) are not openminded about sexuality and treat anyone who is different as someone to fear and/or hate. It is a problem with human societies that has been ongoing for thousands of years but got much worse with the rise of the Abrahamic faiths. Of course, Hindus and other faiths are uncomfortable with the LGBTQ community, too. Interestingly, it is the "pagan" and indigenous societies (considered "pagan" by many religious people) that tend to be much more accepting. For example, Native Americans are fine with it. I also believe aboriginal peoples in Australia and Southeast Asia are not afraid of us. I was not surprised either that you are unable to afford VR equipment. That was a longshot on my part, but I thought I would mention it. Many people struggle to afford such things, and this makes it hard for them to participate in online communities. Of course, you do not need VR goggles and such to participate in VRchat. You just need a good internet connection, but even that can be hard, yeah? And, yes, PayPal access for artists in places like the African continent can be problematic. I have a Nigerian friend with this problem. He is an artist like you and does commissions. So, what do we do? I send him money through an app called Word Remit (https://www.worldremit.com/en/tunisia). I checked, and yes, customers can send money in Tunisian dinars to you. So, you might wish to check that out. As for your attraction to daddy types, that is not an unusual thing in the gay community at all, including in the furry community (Oh, sidebar: I was born in 1965.) I am flattered by your flirtations. :) And I am a bit of a flirt, too, and am not in any way embarrassed. Anyway, yes, you would definitely find furry daddies in the fandom. I hope that answers your questions. I'm here, as always, if you have more. Bear Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
Hello! I have some homo[phobic] parents at home (I'm pan), and my parents also think furries are insane people who never take their suits off and act like wild animals. I make the masks even though they hate em'. My fursona is a pit bull named meteor. My dad yells when I wear black ("TAKE OFF THAT EMU SHIT'' and "TAKE OFF THOSE FREAK WERIDO CLOTHES"). My mom is homo[phobic], too. My mom said my dad will divorce and disown me and her if I am LGBTQ or a furry. I'm hoping you will help; both are narcissists. Thanks, Papabear :) Charlotte (age 13) * * * Hi, Charlotte, I am going to assume that when you say your parents are "homo parents" you mean homophobic, yes? First off, your parents can't disown you without a court of law approving them to do so, which is highly unlikely, so please do not worry about that. That is an idle threat your parents are making. Parents are legally obligated under the law to support you financially and physically until you are of legal age (18). If they don't, that is child abuse. If your parents are physically or emotionally abusing you, you can do something about that. Your first step would be to contact your local child protective services department. (Or--and this could be better--if you have a close relative such as a grandparent who is sympathetic to you, you could ask them for some support). You should only contact social services, though, if you really feel like you are in danger for your life or well-being, so please do not contact CPS just because your parents yell at you. But it does sound like your parents are being pretty awful to you, and I am sorry to hear that. Here are some words of advice I hope will help.
Another link I'd like to give you is called Moms of Furries. This page is run by two women whose children are furries. When they first found out about their kids' interest, they were kind of worried, but then they did a lot of research and discovered what fun being a furry is and how it can actually help people improve skills like creativity and socializing. They became so supportive of their furry kids that they started the Moms of Furries website to help parents and furries. Also, if you like, you can have them write directly to Papabear. I like getting questions from parents, and I wish I did more often. If you have any questions about the above, feel free to write to me again. Bear Hugs, Papabear |
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An excellent article on coming out LGBT to Christian parents.
A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.
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