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Dear Papabear,
I'm probably not the sort of fur you usually get questions from, but I'm hoping you can give me a little advice. Soon both of my parents will be gone. Dad passed five years ago and mom just entered hospice. They both were mentally and physically abusive, something they never admitted or attempted to make right. It's taken me decades to process and overcome the abuse. My brother never did and I've witnessed him exhibit some of the same abusive behaviors with his own children. Over the Thanksgiving holiday my brother mentioned that he was alone. He's divorced, in awful health, and more or less estranged from his two kids. He seemed to be asking for help and, being a helpful fox I want to do something... but can and should I? I'm thinking of laying it out on the table for him... telling him he needs to seek counseling, he needs to hear and accept his children's feelings, and most of all change. But am I rushing in where foxes shouldn't tread? I've mostly dealt with my demons, am I opening old wounds when I can't really do any good? Yours, Foxfire * * * Dear Foxfire, Thank you for your intriguing email. I am not unfamiliar with situations like your own in which an estranged family member tries to make their way back into your life. The first question you must ask yourself is this: Are they only doing this because they need money or to otherwise take advantage of you, or are they sincerely reconnecting? For example, someone close to me has a son who cut off ties because his father came out as gay, but this son occasionally contacts him--not because he misses him, but because he wants to hit him up for money. How touching. On the other paw . . . It is an unfortunate truth that oftentimes a victim of childhood abuse like your brother will, when they become parents themselves, abuse their children in turn. I believe the statistic is about one-third become abusers. You didn't, but your brother did. Unlike your brother, you did the homework to deal with the psychological scars head on. As you know, that is a lot of work and takes a lot of time. Your brother, though, did not deal with his feelings, and so, as is often the case with people who don't deal with their emotions, those negative feelings have to come out, and they can do so in violent ways. My sister did something similar. She was raped by our grandfather when she was a girl and never really dealt with it, so she became an alcoholic and a very angry person instead. Because your brother did not deal with his issues, it has cost him his wife, his children, and his health. Now he has hit bottom. What is actually a promising sign, however, is that he is now reaching out to you for help. As long as the warning signs I mentioned above (asking for money and so forth) don't come out, I think you would be a good brother to offer him a shoulder to lean on. You don't have to go way out of your way to do this. Just listen, give him a sympathetic ear. Maybe see if you can help him find a good counselor, because you are right: What he really needs is some good, solid, professional guidance on the one hand and a bit of emotional help (you) on the other. Obviously, this doesn't mean you are "taking his side" or condoning what he did to his kids. I'm thinking a heart-to-heart between you two will show that, deep down, he knows what he did was wrong, and there is a good chance he really doesn't understand why he did it. He just knew he was in pain and he didn't know how to handle it in a healthy way. A good place to start is the website Help for Adult Victims of Child Abuse. Perhaps, if you have not done so yourself — and even though you seem to be coping pretty well — you could benefit from looking this over, too. Maybe do so before you talk to your brother. To answer your question, then: Yes, be there for your brother if you can. More than almost anyone in the world, you will understand him because you grew up in the same household. Don't be preachy or pushy. Just start by telling him he can talk to you, and you will listen. Then, perhaps go on this journey together of talking to counselors. Even though you are okay (it seems, mostly), if you do this together that will be of IMMENSE help to your brother — and bless you for doing so. This is a bit of a tricky road, though. Make sure he doesn't take advantage of you but do be there for him emotionally. Do you think you can manage that? It is okay if you feel like, emotionally, you are not up for a task that can be a pretty hefty burden, so don't feel guilty if you honestly don't think so. But if you do, that would be a terrific thing to do. Let me know if the above helps or you have more questions. Bear Hugs, Papabear
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Dear Papabear,
Some months back, Soatok published this article on the explosive growth of the Fandom. What are your thoughts on it, and the discussion surrounding it? Can we fight these problems? How? Is it too late? Boyesh * * * Dear Boyesh, Thank you for your email and sorry for the slow reply! An interesting and timely question, and thank you for asking. The fandom is, indeed, growing by leaps and bounds, and a number of furcons have extremely high attendance rates. However, as much as I like Soatok, I think they are spazzing out a bit. Yes, Midwest Furfest had over 15,000 attendees, but compared to Comic-Con in San Diego, which had about 135,000 fans this year, it's peanuts. New York's Comic-Con had even more at 200,000 attendees in 2022. You don't see people giving up on comic-cons, do you? So why would they give up on furcons that have a tenth of the attendance? Instead of treating attendance as if it were a problem, we should treat it as an opportunity. There are many things that can be done. One of these has already been deployed by Anthrocon in Pittsburgh. Uncle Kage recently announced that in 2025 they are going to cap attendance to keep the crowds at a safe level (respective of such things as fire regulations, hotel considerations, and general enjoyment of the attendees). Other large cons such as Midwest Furfest and Furry Weekend Atlanta might follow the same strategy in the near future, I would surmise. Although, on the other paw, maybe they will just grow into furry versions of Comic-Con. This doesn't mean that furries are out of luck in attending furcons. There are lots of smaller cons, and new cons are being created. For example, in Southern California where this bear is from, when Califur shut its doors, it was soon replaced by Golden State Furcon in Los Angeles and, this year, Another Furry Con debuted in Ontario (California, not Canada). Up in the Bay Area, when Further Confusion started getting large, we saw overflow go to PAWCon. The same thing can easily happen in states like Pennsylvania. Satellite cons could open up to welcome furries who could not, for whatever reason, make AC. The headline of Soatok's article ("Furries Are Losing the Battle Against Scale") is self-defeating and presumptuous. What are our options here? Well, one option would be to see the number of furries decline, risking what happened to the Bronies when their convention closed and now they have no cons. Second option is things stay the same, which isn't likely but would mean we'd go along as we are, which isn't so bad. And Option 3 is that we continue to grow, which is a testimony to the success and popularity of the furry fandom and should be celebrated, not mourned. Soatok notes that furry attendance at cons and meets etc. is growing at about 10% annually, which means it will double in 7 years. They then compare this to the 0.8% growth of overall world population, concluding that furry growth is unsustainable. Soatok then predicts that: 1) Furcons will become accessible only to tech-savvy and wealthy furries; attendance costs will rise; hotels will become too crowded; and furries will get stressed and start fighting with each other. First of all, chill out. Of the over 100 furcons going on these days, only 7 have attendance rates exceeding 5,000 while over half have attendance rates under 1,000. Yes, a few cons are over-attended, a hazard of being a popular and well-run convention. Most still have plenty of room to grow. Soatok says that convention growth (in terms of total hotel rooms) is flat and that we will therefore get crushed under a flood of furries swarming to conventions. I beg to differ. In a very helpful article on the Fang, Feather, & Fin website from 2022, Gale Frostbane notes that there were 11 conventions in the 1990s, 52 in the 2000s, 138 in the 2010s. This seems to be leveling off now, true, but there are two big reasons: 1) The COVID-19 pandemic, and 2) the rise of virtual conventions such as Furality (which had over 21,000 attendees this year). But just because furcon space is a bit stagnant at the moment does not mean it always will be. This is, I believe, a blip. An adjustment. Things will happen to cause more furcons to open, older ones to diversify and adjust, and alternatives to cons (such as furmeets and parties and camps) to make themselves available. Already things are happening that indicate Soatok is jumping the gun on offering dire warnings of impending doom. Hotels and convention centers, for example, will not permit attendance to get so huge that no one can get on an elevator or walk through a hallway because they will be crushed by stampeding footpads. As Uncle Kage and the AC staff wisely decided, there will need to be caps similar to what they do with Comic-Con. The idea that cons will only be accessible to tech savvy and wealthier furries is a rather silly point. Most furries are tech savvy already, and there are ways to get around money issues in attending cons to make them more affordable. As for furries fighting among each other, well, I gotta laugh. We already fight with each other about silly things, and we already have issues that divide us, such as the young furs vs. greymuzzle disputes or arguments about whether we should permit furporn or do you have to have a fursona or a fursuit to be furry and on and on. If the furry fandom is going to survive, it has to grow. And as it grows, it has to evolve. It is already hugely different from when I first started getting active in the 2000s, and it will be hugely different 20 years from now compared to what it is today. Because there is no organizing force behind our fandom like there is behind other fandoms (e.g. Whovians, Potterheads, Trekkers), one should expect it to be a raging mess of chaos. That can be seen as a weakness or it could be valued as a strength. My advice? If you really really want to go to a large convention, book as early as you possibly can and/or find a friend who has been before and ask if you can room with them. But remember there are dozens of furcons that are much smaller and manageable in size. You can have a wonderful experience at conventions that have, say, 500 to 1,500 attendees. You know, I have never been to San Diego's Comic-Con, and I have absolutely no desire to. I despise crowds. So, instead, I went to the tiny Palm Springs Comic-Con and had a super time! You can also attend furmeets or camps or virtual cons. If there is nothing in your area but there are furries nearby, start your own meetup! What's to stop you? We are going through growing pains. But while Soatok is correct in noting that we have some rough waters ahead, they are incorrect to start fearmongering and make furries feel that the future of furcons is bleak. It is not. It's just different, that's all. The future of the fandom will continue to see conventions of all shapes and sizes. I hope that answers your question. Bear Hugs! Papabear I am saddened that the majority of Americans prefer a white man with a record of tax evasion, molestation, fraud, criminality, and disloyalty to American ideals over a woman who is ethnic and has a clean record as an upstanding citizen. I anticipate there will be a lot of unpleasant days ahead of us, especially for women, LGBTQIA people, immigrants, and anyone else who is not a white male fake Christian in America.
If the results of this election are causing you stress, I understand 100%. If you want to talk about it, please feel free to write me any time and your letter will go to the top of my pile when it comes to this issue. Now more than ever, we furries need to stand together. Dear Papabear,
I've been in the furry fandom for over a year, and I've been enjoying my time here. I've made so many friends and even met the love of my life. But there are times where I develop imposter syndrome. Like I feel like I don't deserve the friends and the awesome memories I made in the fandom. People tell me otherwise, but I feel like I genuinely have a hard time proving myself that I belong sometimes. Especially for the fact I don't own a fursuit or that I'm not an artist. Yet I still have people who love me, even outside the fandom too. I was wondering if this feeling is normal in the furry fandom and what are some good ways to remind myself that I do matter. Thank you. Sincerely, An anonymous Saint Bernard P.S. I love your fursona and fursuit so much. It's so awesome and adorable. Genuinely wanna give ya a hug. * * * Dear Saint Bernard, Thank you for your letter and the compliment :-3 First off, it must be emphasized that you do not need to have a fursuit to be an active and beloved member of the fandom; nor do you need to be an artist or a gamer or a writer or even have a fursona. The baseline here is simple: Do you love the anthro arts? This includes movies, TV shows, comic books, novels, furry RPGs, and so on. If you answered "yes," then you're a furry fan. The confusion is common. You see, there are really two types of furries: hobbyists and lifestylers. Hobbyists are those who enjoy the anthro arts but do not get into the self-identity side of it, which involves everything from having furriness engulf everything in your life (i.e., e.g. you have furry art and plushies and fursuit stuff all over your home (sometimes called being "furry trash"), furry stickers plaster your car, you often wear a tail or ears in public places, etc.) to actually feeling like you have an animal spirit or that your fursona is in some way really who you are (the far spectrum of this bleeds into the therian and otherkin communities). The hobbyist is much more caszh about the fandom. They like to go to cons or meets, sure, and they may have a fursona for playing games with their friends, but they fully identify as human and spend the majority of their time as such among their normie friends. I, personally (not that you asked), am somewhere in between. You can find furry art hanging in my office, I will be suiting for normie trick or treaters this week, and I do feel I have a spiritual connection to bears, but for the most part I seem pretty normie when I'm not at a furcon. Given the above, you are not an imposter. So, why do you feel like one? It might surprise you that the majority of young Americans (70% by one study) say that they have experienced imposter syndrome at least once in their lives. I have often experienced it too, and the result is usually my berating myself as insufficient in some way, and sometimes people misinterpret my anxiety to false modesty. For example, people sometimes compliment my intelligence, but then I say to myself I really am not that bright; I just have a bachelor's degree; I only speak one language fluently; I have never won an important award or grant or recognition yadda yadda. The result is that my negative feelings about myself are roadblocks to my moving ahead with my life at times. This kind of lack of self-esteem can usually be traced back to our childhoods, especially to those who had either very controlling or very protective and permissive parents. If you have been bullied or socially ostracized as a young person, this can certainly contribute to imposter syndrome when you later achieve great things in your life but a voice in the back of your head keeps telling you that you don't deserve it. My furiend, everyone deserves friendships and respect and love and happiness. And when it comes to the furry family, well, you have landed in a community to which many people who feel like social outcasts are drawn. I think you will (or have already) found people much like yourself who are shy, lack self-confidence or self-esteem, or just feel attracted to the fandom and are blown away by some of the popular furries in it and don't feel like they themselves measure up. Again, I do this too. When I first started getting active in the fandom around 15 years ago, and I saw some awesome artists and writers and musicians and fursuiters (and community leaders like Uncle Kage), I was like, "Okay ... um.... I'll just sit in the corner here and watch and not try to annoy anyone." But the more people I interacted with and the more friends I made, the more I felt like everything was cool here and I began to relax and really enjoy the community. To sum up: 1) no fursuit or artistic skills needed; 2) yes, it is quite normal at first, especially, to feel like you are an imposter; 3) with time, that feeling will ease as you make friends, find your crew, and have more fun being furry. Some techniques to assuage your feelings? 1) don't compare yourself to other furries; there will always be furries who seem more accomplished or whatever; who cares, just do you; 2) try to catch yourself when you say things that put yourself down; when you feel yourself saying things like "I'm not good enough to ... " just stop, pause, and replace that thought with something positive about yourself (e.g., I'm a good friend; I am good company to hang out with; I'm a giving person; I am helpful, etc.); 3) socialize socialize socialize, and by this I mean talk about your feelings with others (you'll find you share much in common) and be supportive of them; find people to lean on and let them lean right back on you; 4) and a great way to feel you contribute is by volunteering at a furcon or getting involved in some furcon charity activity such as the ALS Foundation fundraiser in which many furries have become involved (I can get you in touch with people if this interests you). I'd also like to share a very excellent article from VeryWellMind that talks all about this stuff in detail. It's like a 5-minute read. And don't worry! You're doing great! You've already found a support network, and I know that the more you get involved with furries the more comfortable you will become in the community. Don't forget to have fun! That's what it's supposed to be all about!!! Big Bear Hugs, Papabear Hello, Papabear,
Hey there! I’ve been looking for an answer to my question and wanted to hear your opinion. Due to mental issues, I struggled for a while to design a fursona I was happy with. However, recently I did just that! (A goat fursona) But I recently came across another fursona whose design looks similar to mine. I’m talking about similar markings, color palette and same species. Goat, brown and tans for main body color and markings, and different shades of blue for horns, eyes, and hoofs. My fursona isn't an exact replica, but still… Due to the person being rather popular, I fear I shouldn’t keep my fursona or commission a fursuit of them when I have enough money. I’m scared of people bashing me for this or being compared, when in reality I had no idea this fursona existed till after I made mine. Do you have any advice? Anonymous * * * Dear Furiend, Thank you for your letter, which brings up an important topic in the fandom. Several points can be made here. The first one is that there is quite a bit of overlap in the fursona world. For example, the single most popular type of fursona is a wolf and/or husky (or similar dog breed) with simple color variations and other minor details. Now, goats are a bit more unique than canids, but a quick look on Furtrack brings up these results for goats with brown or tan markings: Alexcapranor (📸 @nauta) Gideon klaus (📸 @oracle_sage) Baltic berlin (📸 @bluegold1026) Kurobatte (📸 @hexyc) Thomasin (📸 @troy_grudin) Bashfulbeeps (📸 @alleythewoof) Dirtt goat (📸 @vencrypt) Mckinley (📸 @linglingfennec) Meelo (📸 @adelair) Chamsz (chamois goat-antelope) (📸 @andromedus) Cedar goat (📸 @thunder_orca) ... and that is just a very cursory, down-and-dirty, incomprehensive search. I'm sure I could find many more, but I think you get the point. There is a difference between just having the same species with some similar colors and really looking the same. Just by having your fursona drawn by a different artist or having a different maker for a fursuit, you are pretty much guaranteed to have a different look for your particular OC. Truly, you would only get in dangerous waters if your fursona had the same name or you pretended to be the other person (such as hacking into or spoofing their account). Another issue would be if your fursona was based on a regulated, closed (or semi-closed) species (e.g. Dutch Angel Dragons), which is a unique species said to be an original concept owned by its creator. Closed species have definitive anatomical and physiological attributes and usually their own lore (back story). A semi-closed species has certain required aspects to it but provides more leeway for adding your own spin. In both cases, you are supposed to get permission from the creator to use the closed species (or the aspects of the semi-closed species). Violating such guidelines and avoiding permission approval will likely get you on a blacklist. But, here's the thing: as far as I know, the concept of a closed species is not a legal thing. That is, they more than likely are not copyrighted or have a registered trademark. THAT said, some of the more famous one (returning to DADs) are copyrighted. Deanna Biesemeyer, who created the Dutch Angel Dragon, did in fact go to the trouble of copyrighting their creation, so you do, in fact, need their permission if you want to be a DAD. Protogens and primagens, to give another popular example, used to be closed species, I believe, and they have definite characteristics and lores, but both are now open species (I think primagens might always have been such but protogens did not become open until 2017). Sorry for the digression, but it is important. And I note the above because having a brown and tan goat is definitely not an example of a closed or even semi-closed species. Given all of the above, I would not worry if I were you that there are some similarities between your OC and that of another furry. I would mildly suggest, though, that you take at least a little time to add some of your own unique, personal touches. Not so much for worry about being repetitive but more for the satisfaction and fun of it. This includes lore. For example, Grubbs Grizzly was born somewhere on the Aleutian Islands, but he got a little tired of the cold weather and decided one day to go south, ending up in California. He decided he liked it here, so he moved into the Sierras permanently, built a little cabin, and now spends his days fishing and foraging for food and just being a low-key bear. Bottom line: Have fun with it! So many furries fret about stuff like this and forget that being a furry is supposed to be fun. Y'all are fine. And I hope that answers your question. Bear Hugs, Papabear Hello, Papabear,
I want to ask questions. I flunked that fandom accidentally in childhood when I was been young via rather porn website e621.net. Been in denial for a long time until I am not accepted furry fandom in current age. My parents strictly hate furries due to their thought that all furries are creeps and perverts. However, I am grown adult already and want to watch whatever I want but I can’t do it while my parents near. I want to feel freedom, but I can’t. Also I love that website and your sona. What should I do? I tried to convince my parents that not all furries like this, but they still think like that. Николай Плац (age 24, Russia) * * * Dear Nikolay, From what I've heard, being a furry in Russia is not easy. The culture there is extremely hostile to our people. There was once a furcon there called Rusfurence in Moscow that I believe ran from 2013 to just before COVID-19 kicked in (it might have died from the plague and never got resurrected), but politicians in your country have always been openly hostile to furries. For example, I understand that the government has apparently blocked furry websites from being accessed in Russia (although you said you have access to e621, so maybe that is exaggerated). Also, there has been a movement among some politicians to make furries and related cultures such as therians against the law (although nothing has become illegal as yet). In a story that just came out today on MSN ("Russian Senator Pushes for Ban on Controversial Furry Culture" by Weronika Paliczka), a senator named Natalia Kosichina declared that being furry (she is targeting therians doing quadrobics in particular) is unhealthy and somehow "dangerous" to the community. She never explains why. Just a fear of things that are different, I'm sure, because the senator asserted that therians should be forced to play conventional sports to make them "healthy." Anyway, in your particular case, your parents don't approve. This is common, even in America. In my experience, there really isn't much point in trying to sway their opinions toward the fandom because they see you as a child (even though you are 24) and likely won't respect your opinion on this matter. My suggestion to you is that, at 24, you should move out of your parents' house and go make a life on your own where you can be yourself. Now, the problem with that suggestion is that I do not know your financial situation, and politics and the economy right now in Russia is unsettled, to say the least. It might not be possible at the moment for you to leave, but I would make plans to do so as soon as you are able. In your mid-20s, you need to go out and make your own way. But even if you do so, it is still rough being where you are. If there is any way you can network with nearby furries that would be a help to you for sure. You only note that you are in Russia (a big big place), but if you are lucky and live in or near Moscow, there is a furry group there. Last I heard in an article in Dogpatch Press, they were still organizing events two years ago and hopefully still do so today. Apparently, these Muscovite furries found each other on the Russian social network VKontakte, so perhaps you can locate some furries on that social site, too. To summarize, it is likely a wasted effort to sway your parents. More productive would be to try to improve your position as an adult and individual, move out, and seek interaction with furries in your area by using whatever means are available to you. Good Luck! Papabear Papabear,
I find it really hard to connect with people in the fandom, I moved to a place where i hoped it be easier for me to make fandom friends but it seems like conversation just die out and i have been unable to make meaningful connections. I went to my first meetups this year and every time it feels like im just wandering about, It doesn't help that im a very introverted and anxious person. How do people make so many friends that it always seems like they are chatting with someone during cons/meetups? Anonymous (age 31) * * * Dear Furiend, Yes, breaking down that wall can be a challenge, especially if you are a shy person. It can be harder for older furries over 30, too, because so many in the fandom are in their teens and twenties. The people you see at conventions clustered in little groups likely were friends before they got there. It truly is much more fun to go to a con or a meet if you already know people and can hang out with them. Some of my best memories are going to the now-defunct Califur with my friend Cyberbear and others. When walking into an environment filled with people you don't know, you need something to "break the ice." To do this, you can't be shy. You know how uncomfortable it can be to see a nervous person on stage trying to talk in front of an audience and they make mistakes and their hands shake and their voice quavers? People have a hard time watching that. The same goes for crowds of people at parties. If you look at your shoes, hem and haw, sound nervous, etc., people will be uncomfortable and, though they might be polite to you, they will want to move away from you. So, you really do need to be confident in yourself. It should, hopefully, help that you're in a room with a lot of people who share your interests, which brings me to the next point: Finding something in common and using that to start a conversation. It helps that all these people at a convention or meet are literally wearing their personalities on the outside. Whether it is a fursuit or a shirt with logos of a favorite band or TV show, you can easily spot what they like. You can start conversations with things like, "I love your fursuit! Did you make it or is it a commission? etc. etc." If they are wearing, say, a Star Trek shirt, you can say you're a Trekker and strike up a conversation that way. It is important that, when doing this, you try not to dominate the conversation. Ask a lot of questions and show an interest in them as a person. Oh, you can also maybe draw people to you based on what you are wearing. The same applies if you are observing an activity. Most cons or other gatherings have game rooms. If you enjoy gaming, you can certainly see if you can join in on a board or card or video game with others. Once you get your foot in the door, keep asking questions and talking and see where the conversation goes. Let it wander from topic to topic and don't try to control the conversation. If things go well, see if you can't invite them to join you for some noms or accompany you to a party room. Remember, most people love to talk about themselves. Be a good listener. As for overcoming anxiety in the first place, before you approach someone, try taking a few deep, cleansing breaths. Try to find people who look promising that they would share some commonalities with you. Rehearse a little in your head how you will introduce yourself. Also, especially at cons, there are often forums and talks involving special interest groups such as a meet for railroading aficionados or TikTok video makers or Kimba the White Lion fans or whatever. Check out the furcon program and see if you can find something suitable for you and participate! Since you are 31, you are of age to join my Facebook Greymuzzle group if you like. Just go here https://www.facebook.com/groups/greymuzzles and you will see over 4,000 furries in your age group. Let me know if you have further question. Good Luck! Papabear Dear Furries,
As some of you know, I have been running the Good Furry Awards for over five years now. The purpose of these awards was to thank the thankless in the fandom who do wonderful things both for furries and non-furries. We have had some wonderful winners in the past, including Ash Coyote, Dogbomb, Mark Merlino, and Rod O'Riley. I was particularly glad that Mark was able to receive a Lifetime Achievement Award before he passed away. I never wanted these awards to be "popularity contests." Honestly, I value everyone who was nominated because the intention was to give everyone who makes an effort to make the fandom a better place a paws up and a fuzzy hug. That's exactly the message in our theme song that was written by the fabulous Pepper Coyote. No, the true reason I started this project was that I was so exhausted from hearing furries criticizing the fandom all the time that I wanted to counteract all the negativity with something more positive: the Good Furry Awards. From the beginning, the GFAs have been criticized by the furry community. They have been called "fake awards," "popufur contests," and worse. Furries have tried repeatedly to stuff the voter box and to nominate fake people. At first, I brushed this off because I had the same reaction when I started the "Ask Papabear" column. I said to myself, "Buck up, Grubbs. People don't understand what you're trying to do, but they will eventually, and they'll see you are doing something good for the fandom." Things did get better for my column (although I still get snarky comments on occasion), but the same cannot be said for the GFAs. After five years, I still feel like the community finds these awards somehow offensive. I still get criticized for them all the time (which is weird because people don't criticize the Ursa Major Awards, but whatev). I've been wracking my brain as to why. Is it because the award winners are selected by popular vote? If that were true, the People's Choice Awards would have failed long ago. Is it because it is "fake" because I do all the work and not some corporation or national organization? Therefore, it's not "legit"? Or are the GFAs merely despised because furries who don't get nominated feel they aren't getting acknowledged? I honestly do not know the answer. But I do know this: Even though my intentions were always good (which is how one paves the Road to Hell, am I right?), if I am putting thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours of my own money and time into a project that nobody wants, then maybe my entire concept was misguided and wrongheaded. Perhaps I should try to find another way to thank furries on my own and not worry about what the fandom as a whole thinks. After all, if YOU don't want the GFAs, then why the heck am I doing all this work? My bad. As with the awards, though, I didn't want to make this decision without any input from furries. After all, I could be wrong. Maybe there are a lot of fans out there, and I just don't know it. So, here's the deal: I'm putting it to a vote. From now until August 31, you can vote on whether of not the Good Furry Award will stop now or continue on. How does this work? Well, being the good anal bear that I am, I made up fake ;) guidelines, towit: 1. There must be at least 200 votes received by the end of the month. (Weak turnout indicates apathy, and with several hundred thousand furries in the world, if I can't muster 200 votes, that's pretty telling.) 2. There must be a 2:1 ratio of Yes to No votes for the Yes column to win. I will announce the results September 1. GO HERE TO VOTE Dear Papabear, Mr Grizzly (forgot first name), or Kevin...
Simply put, I've been interested in the furry fandom for a couple of years but unable to speak to anyone "inside." I turn 50 this year, and that seems to be a big turn off. I tried a couple furry type chat groups and once they found out my age, they all attacked. I have a difficult time talking to young people since I'm single with no little deductions of my own. I should have lied when registering but thought better of it and forgot the websites. I registered in haste and with no intention of staying. Nobody will find me online. I have no fursona, no artistic ability, no friends and abandoned family over 30 years ago. I'm a lone wolf, literally. I gave up trying but can't help but watch a few furries on YouTube and attempt to attend an annual con that comes to town. Last year I missed it (the con) due to working in another hotel that weekend. I'd love someone to help create a fursona and I'd totally suit in public as much as possible. Just not now; it's literally 110 degrees every day in south Texas. I reckon my question is: Should I just give up completely or is there some other way to make new furry friends both locally and abroad? This is all very frustrating and depressing. Thank you for your time, Jacob (San Antonio, age 49) * * * Dear Jacob, Always nice to meet another greymuzzle. Yes, the difficulties you face relating to members of a fandom composed mostly of young people in their teens and twenties can be a challenge. But don't give up yet! If you're feeling lonely and unloved, I have just the groups for you. Just so happens I run the Greymuzzle group on Facebook that has over 4,000 members just waiting to say UwU and Awoo! to you! Everyone in this group is 30 and older, with many in their 40s, 50s, and up. I also formed a strictly 50 and above group called Silvermuzzles that has over 300 members. Please feel free to join these groups. There are also some greymuzzle groups on Telegram, Discord, Amino, and, I believe, X (Twitter) that you can join. Just go to your favorite app and search on "greymuzzle" or "graymuzzle" and see what comes up. Oh, you might also try "elderfur," which is a term that is sometimes used, though not too much. I feel the need to remind my readers (and you) that you don't have to be a fursuiter, artist, writer, gamer, or "influencer" (gods, I hate that word) to be a furry. Hell, you don't even need a fursona to be in the fandom, although it is a bit more fun if you do have one. The definition of a fandom is not "you must be able to produce stuff related to your interest" but only "you must love the thing that interests you." Being a furry simply means that you love the anthropomorphic animal arts. The fun of being in a fandom is to enjoy things like movies, TV shows, books, and comics and to share your love with like-minded people. The problem with many in the fandom (not just furries but pretty much everywhere in the USA, at least, if not other countries, too) is that it has become a competition to be noticed, to be validated, and to stand out from the crowd. People want to be "popufurs" and be admired, followed, and lauded. This is neurotic behavior usually stemming from low self-esteem. Low self-esteem, coupled with a desire for undeserved plaudits, is a social illness in our society that is exacerbated by our bizarre virtual spectator culture. Today, the result has been a split in the fandom between furries who are genuinely into furry culture and poser furries who only do it because it is considered outlandish to wear costumes in public and act goofy. That is, they just want to do anything they can to get noticed (I once heard such a furry, when asked why he was fursuiting, reply, "Because I'm bored.") These are the furries who later "leave the fandom" because they "grow up" and aren't preoccupied with attention anymore (busy with careers and family), rather than the furries who don't care about being noticed and just adore anthros no matter what life brings them or what others think about them. They aren't in it for an audience. They're in it for love. Getting off my soapbox. . . . I have another suggestion or two. In addition to joining one of my Facebook groups, I recommend you experiment with going to various cons and meets. Not all of them are shaped by the same cookie cutter. You mentioned that you went to the furcon in your town. Seeing that you live in San Antonio, I'm guessing you attended Alamo City Furry Invasion. If that con didn't feel friendly enough, the good news is that in Texas you can also find Furry Fiesta and Furry Siesta (both in Dallas) and Texas Spurs & Furs in Baytown near Houston. Depending on who runs a con, some are good and some are ... well, maybe not so good. My husband and I have a favorite con in Reno called Biggest Little Fur Con that we go to every year. I'm also trying out a new con next month much closer to me called Another Furry Con (I like that they are unafraid of being lame haha) in Ontario, California. It will be interesting to see what the atmosphere is like there. As for meets, if you are unaware, there is the River City Furbowl in San Antonio on August 25 that you could check out. Furmeets vary in quality, too. It's all about the person (or persons) who organizes and runs it. Some are quite horrible because they are run by furries with huge egos who create cliques that are impenetrable for new people who want to join. Other furmeets are loving and welcoming because they are run by cool furries. You just have to experiment and see what works for you. But if that doesn't work either, there is yet another option: Start your own furmeet, invite the people you want to invite, and organize your own activities for the meet. I think your first step should definitely be to join my Greymuzzle group and/or the Silvermuzzle group. You will find many many mature furries there who will gladly help you with things like finding a maker for your fursuit and offering tips for fursuit maintenance and performance. They can also help you with your fursona if you like. That's 4,200 furiends in your age group that you can have instantly by joining! Hope this helps! Hope to see you in my group soon! Hugs, Papabear Grubbs Hello!
I am a therian and postfurry. I have been a therian for 7 years and I've watched the community grow drastically. People are thinking therianthropy is a trend and spreading tons of misinformation like "It's a mental illness, you need gear and quadrobics, choose your theriotype, I chose therianthropy." I just can't anymore. I wear my gear practically everywhere because I don't really care for people and their looks anymore. I don't even care about the daily death threats and comments anymore! I care about my poor community falling into a "trend" and absolute chaos. I sometimes wish therianthropy didn't blow up. It was still very underground when I joined--a couple of videos, forums, websites--but now everything's different. IDK if that's me being nonaccepting of these new, young therians who are most likely not an ACTUAL DEEPLY CONNECTED therians, or if it's just me seeing the damage social media has done to this world. I stay up all night sometimes, doing research on different topics, trying to understand them, or trying to find evidence to support a claim that's false. I spend my nights just trying to save at least my community. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of seeing all these new therians posting videos on TikTok about quadrobics and gear. That's not what therianthropy is about. That is a form of expression to the community, yes, but it's not entirely about that. It's just there to make you feel comfortable in your own body. I know this was a lot, but I'm really trying my hardest to see if I'm overreacting and delusional or I'm just confused and trying to do good for these maybe actual problems. Sincerely, Willow (14) * * * Dear Willow: Thank you for your timely letter. For the last couple of years, I, too, have been thinking about this issue. I'm not a therian, but it is interesting to see how a new generation is trying to change the definition of "therian." Since I am posting this on my website, please indulge me while I explain a couple of things that my readers might not know (but you probably do, since you said you have researched this.) What IS a therian? According to Therian-Guide.com, a therian (or therianthrope) is " someone who experiences animalistic traits. There are some therianthropes who identify as something animalistic which may not have existed on earth. Theriomythics (mythical beasts such as dragons) are among these and it is an individual choice if they consider themselves to be therianthropes or otherkin. There are many theories as to why therianthropy is experienced. Some believe their therianthropy to be caused through reincarnation or misplaced souls, while others attribute it to scientific or psychological reasons such as imprinting, an innate predisposition, abnormalities in neurological wiring, or any of a number of various other theories." In truth, the idea of therians and otherkin has been evolving for decades. When I first got into the fandom actively about 15 years ago (I have been a furry all my life, but not always active), "otherkin" was defined purely as someone who identified as some kind of mythological or other-dimensional being--most often beings such as elves and dragons--who either originated in another earthlike dimension or from another planet. Today, the idea of otherkin and therian often blend together, or one term is seen as a subgroup of the other (as in all therians are otherkin but not all otherkin are therians ... OR! All otherkin are therians but not all therians are otherkin). For this reason, a lot of people throw up their hands and say it doesn't really matter what the exact definition is, and then they group otherkin and therians under the umbrella category called alterkin or (less common) alterhumans. Now! For fun! Guess what? Here are a bunch of categories under alterkin! Types of Alterkin: · Angelkin/demonkin: those who identify with angels and demons · Celestials: those who identify as higher space/dimensional beings · Fictionkin: those who identify with fictional characters · Godkin: those who identify with various gods and goddesses (small “g,” not big “G”) · Lycans/Lycanthropes: werewolves · Mythkin: could be a simile for otherkin if you define otherkin in narrow terms · Objectkin: yes, indeed, people who identify with objects; often, this is an inanimate object in the form of a toy such as a doll (think Toy Story, Brave Little Toaster) · Otherkin: those who identify as various mythologicals; or, sometimes, an umbrella term · Plantkin/Phytanthrope: those who identify as a plant species · Spacekin: those who identify with bodies in space (e.g. suns, planets, moons, asteroids) · Therians: those who identify as animals in some form · Werebeasts: associated closely with therians and referring to people who can transform spiritually or sometimes physically into animals (werewolves, werebears, etc.) Whew! To be brief, all of these variations of people who believe they are--in part or in whole--something other than human. This otherness can be emotional or psychological. Now, there are some alterkin--especially lycans--who say they can in some ways physically shift. Usually, this is not a complete transformation like you might see in The Twilight Saga or An American Werewolf in London, but instead a partial transformation. I have had some lycans tell me that their incisors get longer or they grow tails or more hair or pointy ears, that sort of thing. Therians are one of the topics I discuss in The Furry Book: The Who, What, Where, When, Why and How of the Furry Fandom. In this excerpt, I explain that not only do therians shift but there are different kinds of shifting: "Shifts can occur either on purpose, such as through meditation, lucid dreaming, or some other mental discipline, or involuntarily, such as when certain outside stimuli set off a shift. This can be things such as being surprised or shocked or upset by something, by finding oneself in an environment that inspires animal instincts (e.g., a camping trip in the wilderness or a trip to a zoo or animal sanctuary), or by being among other therians. Also, there is something called a 'vacillant' or 'suntherian,' which are therians who have more subtle shifts, rather than abrupt shifts, between human and nonhuman identities." "Therians might shift into just one kind of animal or they might have multiple animal form possibilities (called polytherians). Some polytherians might shift into just a certain genus of species (cladtherians), such as any type of canid (wolf, dog, fox, coyote, African wild dog, etc.)." "Finally, there are two types of non-shifting therians: simple nonshifters who do not experience any kind of mental, spiritual, or emotional shift but who still feel they have an animal spirit or soul within them, and contherians, who are constantly experience their animal form in one way or another." At this point you may have noticed that in none of the above discussions do I once say that therians galavant around on all fours while wearing tails and ears. This phenomenon is quite recent, originating in Japan and inspired by an athlete named Kenichi Ito, who set a world record by running a 100-meter dash on hands and feet. As with many furry-related things, the influence of Japanese culture on the American fandom in particular is strong, and sometime in the 2000s, quadrobics became popular with young therians. Because it is fascinating to watch, especially when performed by a person wearing ears and tail, the media glomped onto it after various posts on TikTok and YouTube brought the sport to life. Consequently, many younger furries and therians are now enamored by the concept that a therian is someone who partakes in this four-legged practice. Of course, this is incorrect. Quadrobics is not what being therian is about. Or alterkin, for that matter. Although some of the quadropists assert they do identify with animals in some way, I sense that most of them pursue the activity just for fun and to get noticed on social media. As with furries, you have to beware of the gatekeepers. No, you don't need to do quadrobics to be a therian. No, you don't need to wear anything to be a therian. No, you don't even have to pick a single type of alterkin if you don't want to. To be blunt, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do, and you don't have to listen to what anyone tells you to do (not even Papabear LOL; just take all my writing here with a grain of salt and do what you feel is right for you.) Willow, I'm going to tell you what I tell many people who write to my column: You are not responsible for your community or what other people think of it or even how they define it. You are too young to get anxiety and heartburn because you are so concerned about how others think of therians. Choose your own path. Let others choose theirs. If others don't like you or say mean things to you because they have created a mould that you refuse to be poured into, then that is their problem, not yours. If a bunch of quadrobists want to call themselves "therians," then even though you and I might disagree with that definition, who cares? They certainly don't. You know in your heart who you really are, and that puts you way ahead of others in this game of life, Willow. Some people don't figure out who they are until they are old and gray. Some people never figure it out. You sound like you got it down, and you're only 14! For you, being a therian is "just there to make you feel comfortable in your own body." And you are correct. That is the definition that is right for you. Good job. You are not "delusional" at all. And you are not confused. Where you have gone wrong is by making this a problem. It is not a problem, and it is especially not your problem. Let others have their fun. Let them be. And, by the same account, don't let others bother you with their drama. Just say, "Hey, this is what I am, and this is what I enjoy. If you can't deal with who I am, not my problem. Have a nice day." Blessed Be, Willow. Hugs, Papabear |
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An excellent article on coming out LGBT to Christian parents.
A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.
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