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Hi Papabear,
This is my first time writing to you. I’m writing because I feel like I struggle with the belief that I’ll never be accepted by gay/bi men for something I did in the past and I also isolate myself and struggle with guilt for that as well. I’m a bisexual guy and was closeted to my family for most of my life until last month when I came out to my mom. I also came out to my younger brother about 6 months ago and he was the first to know in my family. I’m glad that my mom accepted me and said that she loved me. She couldn’t understand why I thought that she would disown me and said that I kind of took my time (I’m almost 24). It was actually my new year’s resolution to come out to her this year since being closeted was making me so miserable and amplifying the guilt that I felt and still kind of feel for something I did a little over 2 years ago. Back in 2023, I remember being intent on trying to date or hookup just like people my age. I felt like I was behind and that everyone my age was doing that. I tried dating girls on dating apps, but I didn’t have any luck, and I get more nervous/awkward around girls than guys to be honest. I thought it’d be a good idea to focus on making friends online instead. I eventually made a friend online and we met 4 times in person. From the moment I met him, I could tell he was obviously gay. I really liked him as a friend. He was really kind, and I liked texting with him. However, I’m ashamed to say that I was kind of embarrassed to be seen in public with him because I was scared of people judging us, and I didn’t feel comfortable with people in public seeing me as bisexual. I remember one time he told me that he frequented adult livestreams and that gave me an idea. I suggested we experiment in an “intimate” way. We did and I ended up losing my virginity to him. That same day, I let him know that I wasn’t interested in a relationship and that I was only looking for something casual. He told me that he didn’t want a relationship either. That was the last time I saw him. I was scared to meet up with him again for two reasons: that was the first time doing something intimate with someone and I was nervous to see him again; also, I was embarrassed to be seen with him. We still texted, but I made excuses not to hang out. Eventually, he ended up moving away to the East Coast after getting a job. I felt terrible for the way I acted towards him. I apologized to him via text and said that I was sorry for not meeting up with him again and that I was nervous about being intimate and that I felt like I had used him for sex (something that my friends and people online said I did). My friend was really empathetic, and he wrote a long reply. He said he was never mad at me and that he had a lot of fun with me. He said that he didn’t want me to beat myself up and that if I was ever in his current city to hit him up again so he could show me around. He said he didn’t feel used and that he wanted my first time to be safe because his wasn’t. He was sexually assaulted in the past. That’s one of the things I felt the most guilty about. I constantly ask myself if I added to his trauma. Online I was told in a gay forum on Reddit that gay guys disliked people like me. They said that men like me who are DL are a really common problem. I was told that I never really cared about him and told that I should give up on dating/hooking up with men. I lived with guilt for a long time, and I couldn’t even ask my family for help since I thought they would no longer accept me. To help with the guilt, I remember trying to donate money to charity and help others, even strangers, and I stopped when I realized I was being taken advantage of. At one point, I even took the online advice to heart and decided I was never going to pursue men again because I was closeted and was only going to hurt them. It’s been over 2 years, and I haven’t done anything with anyone else. My friend and I no longer talk (and I think it’s better that way now). He’s doing good with his new career, and it keeps him busy. No dating/no hookups since. Some old friends were surprised to hear this, and I just made some excuse like “I’m focusing on improving myself now.” I went to another counselor, and he convinced me to come out to my brother, and my brother helped me by telling my mother for me. I’m very grateful to my counselor and brother for that. He also suggested that I go to the pride center on campus. The thing is I feel like I can’t. I’m scared they won’t accept me. I’m scared they’ll see me like the people do on Reddit. My worst fear is repeating what happened with my friend in the future. I guess I’m just writing this to see if I could get some encouragement. I often wonder what it would be like to be in a loving relationship, and it’s something that I really want one day. I feel terrible when people my age or younger talk about kissing or dating while I still think about my friend from over 2 years ago. I’m writing just wanting encouragement to put myself out there instead of wasting my 20s living in the past and isolating myself. I wonder how I could go around trying to date men or just befriend them one day again. I know this is a long letter. Thank you for your time. Anonymous (age 23) * * * Dear Furiend, I'm going to quote my late mother here: "Guilt is the most worthless of all the emotions." Guilt doesn't help you with anything. It just makes you miserable. There are some misconceptions in your letter that I need to correct. The first and most important one is that LGBTQIA social media communities like the one you came across on Reddit represent the gay community accurately. They absolutely do not. You should really know by now that online communities are dumpster fires full of trolls, bullies, and drama queens who rejoice in hurting other people and putting them down to make themselves feel better and more superior. DO NOT listen to them. Social groups online are extremely hit or miss, and you really take a chance going to them for support. Also, just because you had some bad exchanges on Reddit doesn't mean the entire worldwide gay community is critical of you. That's absurd when 99.99999999% of them have never heard of you or know you exist. Instead, to help you navigate the LGBTQ world, I would like to recommend you start with a reputable organization known as The Trevor Project, which focuses on young people up to the age of 24, offering educational, peer support, and crisis management (including online counseling) services. Start with them, and they can help point you in the right direction. You've been making some mistakes (honest ones, don't berate yourself) because you lack guidance. You need someone to show you the ropes. Also, try the on-campus pride group like your counselor suggested. It's a good idea to make in-person connections. The comments those Reddit people gave you are bullshit, frankly (especially that comment in which they presume to tell you that you didn't actually love that guy--OMG!) Gay men who are on the "down low" or are closeted are omnipresent in the gay community. There are some gay men who look down on them, yes, but most people are very understanding about it. And being compassionate to those in the closet is actually the first step to get them out of the closet. When you feel judged, you're more likely to hide yourself. Your friend is a great example of a compassionate friend. He seems pretty cool, actually, and it is my opinion that it is a mistake to cut him out of your life. He seems quite kind and supportive, and there is absolutely no reason why you can't be friends, chat online, or even make a phone call once in a while. It is quite clear you did not hurt or traumatize him in any way, so stop feeling guilty about something that just is not true. You're only hurting yourself. You also, very fortunately, have support from your brother and mother. That's excellent! Do not underestimate the importance of their love and support, which proves that you are a person who is loved and valued and who is far too critical of himself. Don't feel bad about that, either. It's very common for gay people to feel guilt and shame that they have feelings that meet with disapproval from conservative societies. What you need to realize is that your feelings are valid and natural, and they are not sinful or bad in any way. Stop punishing yourself. You deserve to find a boyfriend, find love, and be happy. You also should not feel any guilt about the sex you had with your first lover. It was consensual (he told you so! Believe him!) and you both had a rewarding and fun time. While there is much to say about spending time to focus on yourself, it's quite clear that you don't mean it when you tell people that; you're just using it as an excuse when you tell them you are not in a relationship. The real reason is that you are torturing yourself with guilt and you feel that sex is somehow wrong if you are not committing yourself to a long-term relationship. In truth, non-committed sexual relationships offer many benefits that include emotional, social, and physical. Here is an outstanding article on that by psychologist Heath Schechinger, Ph.D., who also explains the reason for people stigmatizing sexual openness in terms of social identity theory. Social identity theory states that people stigmatize others as one method of creating social cohesion and stronger bonds within their particular group. For example, a church congregation that identifies as hetero and white might label LGBTQIA and BIPOC people as outsiders and treat them as bad people. By sharing these prejudices, they form stronger bonds and a stronger identity within their group. You want to not feel terrible that you aren't dating and finding someone to care about and kiss? I have a simple solution. Stop it. The only person stopping you from being happy is ... YOU! So, knock it off. Is that "tough love"? Not sure, but it's the truth. Stop stopping yourself and go and meet people. Make friends with some. Make love to some. And, hopefully, make some close and enduring relationships. You deserve it as much as anyone else. Bear Hugs, Papabear
1 Comment
Don't Fret about Sex Shamers Who Can't Deal with the Fact That Humans Are Sexual Creatures2/12/2026 Dear Papabear,
Lately, I've been frustrated with puritan attitudes inside and outside the fandom. Outside and inside, I often see people calling anything even remotely spicy "gooner material" (I really hate that word), labeling others porn addicts just for liking NSFW content even at all, and acting like people are too open about this; and while I won't deny this happens, I'm not convinced that it's as big of an issue that it's made out to be due to the following reasons:
All of that is came from both the fandom and the internet in general but for something inside the fandom, I've seen quite a few people acting like having a sexual element "ruined" the furry fandom. I'm old enough to be considered a greymuzzle but I've only been a furry since around 2015, so I don't know a whole lot about the fandom's beginnings. From what I've heard, sex has been a part of this fandom pretty much since its inception, with fanzines containing adult comics and stories as well as there being spicy artwork in the fandom's early days. I can't say with certainty if this is the case but if it is then those complaints are pretty much moot because those who make them are complaining about the fandom being what it always has been but whatever the case may be, is the furry fandom having a sexual side really such a bad thing? We live in a society that demonizes sex and labels it as something shameful and abhorrent. I disagree with that sentiment very strongly because sexual desire is a perfectly normal and natural thing as well as what makes us who we are as humans and it's because of this that I believe that sexuality is something to be embraced, not shunned. This is why I'm glad that the fandom is so accepting of sex. It's a place where we can express and explore our deepest desires safely and without feeling any of the shame that society tells us we should feel. I know I went off on a tangent there and I apologize for that. Anyway, I'm writing this because I wanted to ask you whether or not you think there's anything that can be done to do away with puritan attitudes once and for all because I don't know about you but I've had pretty much all I can take of this whole mentality of "sex bad" and would like for it to end. Don't get me wrong, I understand that there is a time and place for everything, and whenever I talk about sexual matters, I keep it confined to NSFW spaces because while I believe that sex should be embraced, I believe in being sensible about it. I don't think we should all go wild and screw anything with a pulse. I just think that shaming others for something that's a natural part of us all needs to stop. Anonymous (age 38) * * * Dear Furiend, Sex and the Furry Fandom is a huuuuuge topic about which I could write a book. Indeed, more and more, I am thinking I will write a book about sex in the fandom. But I have two books I want to get done before that. Without getting too detailed on the history of furporn in the fandom (and that is quite the tale), I will address the many concerns and topics in your letter as concisely as possible. Firstly, for those unfamiliar with the term, dear readers, a "gooner" can mean a couple of things. In American slang, it can mean someone who is addicted to porn or, more specifically, the practice of edging (bringing oneself or someone else close to orgasm without actually climaxing). However, if you live in the United Kingdom, a gooner refers to fans of the Arsenal football club known as the Gunners. So, don't get football gooners confused with porn addicts hehe. Now for a whirlwind history of sex in the fandom. You are correct, sir, that the sex in art and fiction in the fandom goes back to the beginning of the modern furry world. Most people trace it back to Vootie (the first furry APA, which is a sort of limited edition magazine subscription) around 1976, when the first installment of Omaha, the Cat Dancer by Reed Waller and Kate Worley was published. Omaha was a comic for adults that had sex scenes in it but was not really porn because it had a storyline and interesting characters. (Pornography is sexually explicit material produced with the sole purpose of turning on the consumer). Actually, though, it goes back a little further than that when Fred Patten started producing a member directory for the Cartoon/Fantasy Organization (a precursor of the fandom) and this evolved into a kind of bulletin to which the members of the C/FO started to contribute art and stories, some of which were adult in nature. This led to the first fights in the early fandom even before we started calling ourselves "furries" in which members were upset that R-rated stuff was appearing in the directory. This was all back in the 1970s. Moving forward into the 1980s, we have the beginnings of people outside the fandom shaming furries and calling them "skunk fuckers" when furries were just a small group of anthro fans attending WorldCon and other sci-fi and fantasy conventions. The insulting term became quite common, and some furries even embraced it. A comic book anthology called Skunk from MU Press was released in 1993 with stories by furries and nonfurries alike. And, naturally, other comics came along (e.g. Genus) with lots of adult stories and drawings in them. There was more controversy about sexual themes with the first furcon, Confurence 0, in 1989. Although there were only 65 attendees, some criticized the con for allowing people to appear in suggestive dress (including Bob Hill performing in his Hilda the Bambioid fursuit). Fast forward to the late '80s and early '90s, and you get the infamous Burned Furs vs. Freezing Furs "war" in which the Burned Furs protested the proliferation of adult-oriented comics, drawings, and stories in the fandom and pushed for there to be a more family-friendly vibe to the fandom. The Freezing Furs were a short-lived effort to counter the Burned Furs and to say that there was nothing wrong with adult art shared among adults. The Burned Furs movement lasted from 1998 to 2001, was revived in 2005, first as Burned Furs II and then renamed as Improved Anthropomorphics, having a Live Journal site that petered out around 2009 (you can still view the page here Improved Anthropomorphics — LiveJournal). Now, there is nothing wrong in taking a position that you want the furry fandom to be more G-rated. The problem was that members of these groups started flame wars, often threatening each other with violence. Most unpleasant and unproductive to the discussion. Predictably, the efforts of the Burned Furs came to naught and there is more furporn on the internet now than ever before. Still, people get irked by this (although they aren't furry per se, there are people online now called "puriteens," who, as the name suggests, are young people online who want to cleanse the internet of porn). The more that people like the Burned Furs and the puriteens try to scrub the world of adult content, the more things stay the same. Of course, there are countries that have managed to block all adult content from their internet providers with sometimes humorous results. For example, when North Korea sent their soldiers to the Ukraine upon the request of Russia, the North Korean soldiers suddenly found themselves with access to online porn. They spent so much time jerking off to the images that they were useless in the field. You see, in North Korea, if you are caught watching adult videos online it can actually result in a death sentence. Pretty extreme! Whenever a society restricts adult urges to such a degree, the results are predictably bad. For example, Prohibition in the 1920s and 1930s led to organized crime distilling and shipping booze, which often led to gun violence; people also made their own booze, often creating such strong concoctions that drinking the bathtub gin they made could easily kill a person. After years of trying to ban alcohol, the federal government finally gave up and repealed the 18th Amendment with the 21st Amendment in 1933. Restricting sexual behavior has similar bad results. Whenever you tell people, "You can't have sex," they will want it all the more. This is why we ended up with, for example, the Catholic priest scandal. In my humble opinion, the problem the Church had with priests molesting boys (and some girls) for sex has been the result of their not being permitted to marry or to have sex in any other healthy manner. I don't think that the priests were necessarily homosexuals or pedophiles (as claimed by the Church). What they were was desperate to find some sexual release in another human being, and since they had access to boys in their church and had power over them to demand they keep quiet about their prurient activities, that is how they got their sexual release. (Note: this is my opinion, and I know many will argue against it, but I feel it is valid.) While we don't all live under such strict demands as those in the priesthood, many modern societies (including in the USA) are very restrictive of open sexuality (as you wisely noted in your email). When sexual restrictions are codified--such as in anti-prostitution laws--the results are quite damaging. In an article published in The Journal of Law and Economics ("Do Prostitution Laws Affect Rape Rates? Evidence from Europe"; Vol 65, No. 4, November 2022), authors Huasheng Gao and Vanya Petrova state: "Liberalizing prostitution leads to a significant decrease in rape rates, while prohibiting it leads to a significant increase. The results are stronger when rape is less severely underreported and when it is more difficult for men to obtain sex via marriage or partnership. We also provide the first evidence for the asymmetric effect of prostitution regulation on rape rates: the magnitude of prostitution prohibition is much larger than that of prostitution liberalization. Placebo tests show that prostitution laws have no impact on nonsexual crimes. Overall, our results indicate that prostitution is a substitute for sexual violence and that the recent global trend of prohibiting commercial sex (especially the Nordic model) could have the unforeseen consequence of proliferating sexual violence." Of course, certain laws restricting sexual activity are good to have, including laws against rape (which is actually a crime of violence, not sex) and against having sex with minors. So, I'm not saying all sexual behavior should be allowed--not by a long shot. I'm saying that restricting sex and sexual materials across the board is unwise. Even more influential than laws against sex are social prohibitions--because they are much more far-ranging in nature. If we took all such restrictions to heart, the only sex that would be allowed would be heterosexual sex between married couples and only for the purposes of reproduction. Everything else would be met with stringent disapproval to say the least. While American society has become a little more permissive over the years, allowing for sex between unmarried people, for example, and becoming somewhat more open to gays and lesbians, there is still a lot of disapproval in the air. All this contributes to my arguments for allowing porn, including furporn, to be available to adults. Before I go into that, I need to add the proviso that there is, of course, a bad side to porn. One is porn addiction, which is detrimental to one's life in that it can grossly interfere with work, school, personal relationships, and just having a life if you spend hours and hours consuming pornography to the exclusion of daily tasks. And, of course, the whole porn industry is highly exploitative of those who get drawn into making the videos, magazines, and other content. I'm not talking about that aspect of it, though. There are, in fact, positive sides to adult art, which can be a celebration of natural desires. When it comes to furporn, the visual and roleplay side of it can help us explore our evolving sexuality. Furporn can be a useful tool in this because it helps us to explore sexuality behind the protective mask, if you will, of fursonas. What I mean by that is that adopting another form in the shape of a furry character can buffer one against feeling embarrassed or guilty because of social stigmas that we have not yet overcome. For example, I have spoken to furries who say they use a fursona of the opposite sex to explore whether they might be gay, bi, or trans, or perhaps they adopt a dominant character in an RPG who would do things that they would fear doing in real life (or the opposite in which their fursona is a submissive lover who wants to relieve the stresses of responsibilities in real life). One can also explore a variety of fetishes within the relative safety of furry roleplay, which can help you determine whether or not you might wish to explore such practices in real life. Doing all this in, say, an online RPG also has the advantage of being an extremely safe form of sex (you can't contract an STI by looking at a monitor or your phone, can you!) Exploration of one's sexuality amongst consenting adults is a healthy way to grow and develop as a person. Those who shame people about furporn and other adult forms of pornography are very likely either unable to wrest themselves from a controlling society or are too afraid to admit they have sexual desires themselves. Criticizing people and trying to control content online (or anywhere else for that matter) is an attempt to remove temptation from their lives or to feel superior to those who, in their opinion, are immoral. A good example of this includes the various cases of politicians trying to pass "morality" laws or religious figures criticizing sex or homosexuality as "sin," only to learn later that the politician booked a massage with a gay sex worker or the religious leader has had several affairs behind his wife's back. As the Shakespearean line goes, "Methinks thou dost protest too much." To answer your question, no, I don't think we will ever do away with puriteens and Burned Furs and holier-than-thou types. Nor will those people ever get rid of pornography and human sexuality. My answer to the Puritans is that if you don't like porn, don't consume it. As for those who do, that's fine. Explore away. As long as you are doing things consensually, legally, and safely, you're fine. This is your life. Explore the world and explore yourself, including your sexual side. As long as you are hurting nobody else, do what you like. Bear Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I need help making sense of everything and I am kind of overstimulated by everything. My friends and Dad's side of the family support me all the way, but my mom and stepdad don't at all support LGBTQIA+. I came out to my friends as pansexual recently. My question is, "How do I make sense of all this and come out to my parents?" Eclipse (age 14, TX) * * * Hi, Eclipse, You are under no obligation to tell your mom and stepdad about your sexuality unless you feel comfortable doing so. The other thing you need to realize is that, at your age, sexuality can still be mutable. That is, you are still maturing and changing. When I was your age, for example, I still thought I was straight. It was not until much later I realized I was gay. Most people confuse puberty with maturity. They are not the same thing. Just because women start having their periods around age 12 or 13 doesn't mean they are mature yet mentally or emotionally. When it comes to these qualities, women reach mental maturity around age 22 or 23 (men around age 25 or 26). Emotional maturity for women is reached around age 30 or 32, and men (don't hate me, guys) around age 43 (you heard me). While your body may have matured by 14, the rest of you still needs time to catch up. Determining your sexuality is not merely a matter of physical maturity (this is a big reason why an adult man having sex with a 14-year-old girl is considered to be raping a minor). Eclipse, your teens and twenties are a time when you are discovering who you are as a person. Yes, one of these factors does include your sexuality, but we are much more than our sexuality. We are intellectual, emotional, and spiritual beings as well. We shouldn't define ourselves by our sexuality alone. When I introduce myself to people, I usually describe myself as a writer, publisher, and furry. I never walk up to someone, put my hand out for a shake, and announce, "Hi! I'm Kevin! And I'm a cis gay man!" What I'm saying here is that you should not push yourself to solidify your identity right now. In the same way you are still trying to figure out who you are as a person, what your interests in life are, what career you might pursue, and so on, you should still be discovering who you are sexually. It is not uncommon for people to discover this as late as their 50s, believe it or not. Am I saying you are not pansexual? No, I am not saying that at all. If that is how you feel right now, then you are pan. But be careful. Are you certain that you are not feeling this way because you are being influenced by friends to do so? There are many cases in which people, for instance, have felt that they have had to be trans in order to be cool. Announcing one is trans to teen friends can be viewed as being rebellious and edgy. There is also pressure from people--usually adults--to tell you that you are not trans or pan or bi or gay or whatever. If your mom and stepdad are anti-LGBTQ and you tell them about your sexuality at this time, you will probably experience a lot of negative pressure from them, a lot of casting of doubt. In a worst-case scenario, they might even try to send you somewhere for conversion therapy, which is still legal in Texas (and 21 other states). Conversion therapy is dangerous, to say the least, and has led many LGBTQIA youth to commit suicide or suffer other mental anguishes. My advice, as you can tell, is do not come out to your mom and stepdad. Now is not the time. And don't feel guilty about not coming out to them. You came out to those you felt would be supportive (good!) and you have not done so to those you feel would not be (wise). TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS In the meantime, continue to focus on yourself, continue to work on discovering who you are physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. That is what your teens and twenties are for. No rush, Eclipse. Take your time, okay? Work on the full you! If you have any other questions or follow-up, feel free to write again. Good luck! Bear Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I hope I'm finding you well. I'm Vodka, and I'm 18 years old as of now and have been in the fandom for a few years already. I'm in a weird position: both in the fandom and outside. I'm seeking some advice from somebody much wiser than me. I'm an extrovert who, like other extroverts, likes partying, meeting new people, and being around the center of attention. I consider myself an interesting person. I have a good collection of nice and particular stories that people like to hear. For every taste, I have something. But the problem is I can't get myself to be alone and throw myself out there. I always need somebody to introduce me and start the conversation. Even online, I have issues. I fear being judged (even though I'm confident) and leaving a bad impression. One time I was at meetup at an anime/cosplay convention with a friend I met on Barq (I have issues only with groups). I knew I was going to struggle socially. So, to boost my social skills, I brought half a liter of Vodka to calm myself down. It did nothing. My brain overrode the ethanol somehow. This shows how much I struggled. Thankfully, the friend of my friend introduced us, and after that we started talking with other people. On the other hand, I managed to become a well-known member of my local MTB group of around 150 people by only joining the chat and riding with 2-3 people at a time (I got in because I met someone while riding). I even got assigned a nickname, "Mono Palla," which translates to "Single Ball." It has to do with my bike--not going to prolong on that. I really can't figure out what to do. I joined Discord servers and the Telegram group of the meetup, but I always feel like I dont belong since I'm a stranger and they all know each other. I don't know where to seriously start. I already have a few friends, but for one reason or another they can't get me into their group (it's for valid reasons, nothing to do with me as me). I feel like I'm walking in the darkness. I'm looking for any advice, anything that will help. Thank You, Vodka (age 18; Rome, Italy) * * * Salve, Amico Mio, Interesting letter that has a thread of contradiction (or irony?) in it. For example, you can't actually be self-confident if you are afraid of being judged by others. The confident person is assured in themself and doesn't, frankly, give a rat's ass about other people's approval. At least, that is what someone would initially believe, right? Yet, it IS possible to be a social extrovert AND have social anxiety or a lack of self-confidence. My beloved late first husband, Jim, is a perfect example of this. To anyone who didn't know him deeply, Jim was a huge extrovert. He spent most of his working career in television and radio. He was a news director for a TV station in Lansing, Michigan, as well as being an entertainment reporter, and he spent many years in radio and, the last few years while he was with me, he ran podcasts, first in Michigan and then here in SoCal. When he was with a group of people, Jim's big personality would fill the room. He had an infectious laugh and would always make people feel comfortable with him and important. Yet, inside, Jim was actually a scared little boy in many ways. He said he had Peter Pan Syndrome--never wanting to grow up, not really. There were times I saw him weep with anxiety. People like Jim, and, I think, you, often cover up their self-doubt, anxiety, and fear of the world with a coating of social extroversion (and often with humor, which is why many great comedians got that way because they used humor to cover up the anxiety they have had since childhood). You aren't actually comfortable with people; you pretend to be in an attempt to overcome your inner fears. You insert yourself into the groupies of the actual social butterflies, circling the centers of attention at parties, without ever becoming the center yourself. The danger of forcing yourself to be sociable is the potential for leaning on chemical help--booze or drugs--to give you the strength to continue the charade. This is why drinking vodka didn't help you: Booze just covers things up; it doesn't solve the problem. Worse, if you allow yourself to descend into addiction, you can ruin your life (please, I beg you, don't go down that path; just because the legal drinking age in Italy is 18 doesn't mean you should drink booze). What is the problem then? The problem is you do not believe in yourself, Vodka. This is far from uncommon in one so young as you, and the solution isn't to figure out how to join a social group. The path to build self-confidence has many facets. "How do I build self-confidence?" you might understandably query. As you might guess, that's not something that happens overnight but that can take years to achieve. There are several areas to focus on that will help:
We are all works in progress. Truly working on yourself is a self-improvement project, though. While socializing is an important skill and can be rewarding (we are a social species that needs to do this), it is not the tool we need to improve ourselves. That only comes from within. With work, you can come to believe in yourself, and when you have done that--when you no longer need approval from others because you approve of yourself--you will find that this makes you a very attractive person. There is, frankly, nothing more attractive than the person who is truly confident in who they are, and that is when you will find yourself easily accepted into social groups: when you do not need to be accepted; when it is a choice rather than a mandate. So, focus on the things you love such as anime, cosplay, mountain biking, and anything else you enjoy. Learn about the world, learn new skills, educate yourself, do volunteer work in your community. All these things will build confidence and make you more well-rounded and interesting. That's much more valuable than being the fellow who is popular at parties. Take Care! Papabear Dear Papabear,
I’ve been working on this gay furry romance comic, which I’ve decided to fully throw myself into finishing. The script is written, and I’ve completed 22 pages so far. I’m fairly confident in my writing, but my story turned out to be heavier than when I first started. It touches on themes like addiction, creative burnout, grief, and mortality. Throughout this project, I occasionally remember the characters are anthropomorphic animals and I wonder, “Is this too silly?” It’s not like the whole comic is heavy. There are moments of comic relief here and there. I just worry that the whole furry aesthetic would undermine those themes. Am I overthinking this? Second, my story has a few sex scenes in it, but they’re not the main focus of the story and are used to show the bond of the two main characters. However, I’m conflicted on how much I should actually show I’m not opposed to romance comics having explicit sex scenes, I just worry people will only read the comic for those scenes. Should I make it softcore, or just go all out and show everything? In short, do furry characters undermine a story with more serious themes? Also, how much sexual explicitness is appropriate for this kind of story? Cheers, Steve * * * Dear Steve, What a great question! There is absolutely nothing wrong with a comic (or graphic novel) that is furry and has mature themes. In a very real way, this is why the furry fandom was founded in the first place. A lot of adults (college age, mostly, at the time) wanted to take the Funny Animal tradition and make it more for adults, which gave rise to such things as Albedo Anthropomorphics, Associated Student Bodies, The Usagi Chronicles, Cerebus the Aardvark, Black Sad, and Omaha, the Cat Dancer, not to mention the non-furry Art Spiegelman's Pulitzer-winning Maus. So, you are on very solid ground here. If you are unfamiliar with any of these, I would suggest you look them up and read, read, read. Some of these--especially Omaha and ASB--have some pretty kinky scenes, and you can bet that a lot of people bought them just for these. But! A lot of people bought them because they are good stories with well-rounded and interesting characters. ASB deals with some serious themes, too, such as one of the main characters being HIV+. When you are aiming for an adult audience, it is legit to address topics that include violence, drugs, racism, political corruption, sex, and more. It is fine to have sex scenes in your story, especially if it is sex with a purpose. Do you know what the difference is between a mature sex scene and porn? Porn only has one purpose: to get you off. Story and characterization are superfluous to porn. But a sex scene can be used in serious literature to advance the story and motivate characters. So, when you draw these scenes, consider whether what you are drawing contributes to your tale or if you are just doing it to get someone to buy the comic so they can pleasure themselves. When you answer that question honestly, you will know how to draw it. The same is true with other elements in your story, not just sex. Do the comical scenes serve a function? Or are you just doing something idiotic like putting Jar Jar Binks in the story for slapstick? Is the violence gratuitous for shock value? Or are you making a point for the reader? I am a big fan of subtlety myself. A master writer, artist, or filmmaker can do wonders with suggestion. That's why Alfred Hitchcock was so brilliant. He could do more with a creaky door slowly opening in a hallway than M. Night Shyamalan does with all the buckets of blood and freaky CGI a big studio can afford. This leads me to another element of your question: Why do people write stories with furries in them instead of human beings? One big reason is that they serve as tropes to quickly express what a character is all about. If you want a clever character, it's a fox; loyal and true, dog; selfish and sexy, cat; scary fierce, dragon; a brave leader, lion; meek but honest, mouse; and so on. It's quick characterization in a suit of fur. Furry characters can also be used as symbolic in expressing a theme. For example, there was an issue of Black Sad about racism in which animals such as polar bears and Arctic foxes and ermines represented (obviously) white people, and animals with black fur were of course representing Blacks. The hero has both white and black fur as he is from a mixed lineage. Here, you can get the clear message and yet avoid stereotypes that are often assigned to people of certain races (a technique Disney grossly failed at when creating the Siamese cat character in The Aristocats--OMG). And, of course, anthros are often seen in fantasy and sci-fi tales simply to create interesting and exotic characters for the reader. However, skilled authors use them with a purpose. So, when you create your furry characters, do so with purpose. Don't just make your hero, say, a husky because you like huskies. Perhaps make them a hippo with something to prove because they never got over being mocked for being heavy when they were in public school, or make them a homely lizard with a heart of gold. Use the physical form to complement the spirit of your hero or heroine and all the supporting characters in the cast. Good Luck with Your Story! Papabear Dear Papabear,
I live away from my parents and told them [on the phone that I went to] the comic convention when it was [really] a furry convention (Further Confusion).... After the call, my younger brother who still lives with my parents said they were disgusted by it. What should I do? Should I just wait it out ... [so they can] digest the fact that I'm a furry now since I never told them before? They have told me they support me if I'm gay or bi, but not trans.... I'm bi; just have not told them that. I guess my question is what should I do to mend the relationship? Also, for some more info, I'm going to Japan in May. I'm in the Navy, so I would just have one last meet with them before I go. Devon (age 19) * * * Dear Devon, This is a familiar story to Papabear. I get letters like yours all the time. My first advice to you is to not pressure yourself to "go to confessional" and tell your parents about being furry and bi before you head off to Japan in May. There is no timeline for this. In fact, it might be a good break for you to be in Japan (how long will you be there?) and just take a mental holiday from worrying about your family's reactions and judgment. While you're in Japan, by the way, if you get some shore leave and are able to travel a bit, there are several events in Japan you have the opportunity to check out:
As you are likely aware, Japanese animation has been a huge influence on the furry fandom and still is today. Furries of all sorts who are also anime fans often attend these functions. I encourage you to try to attend one or two of these while you are there with the Navy, if at all possible. You should, too, explore the culture of Japan in general. Sadly, I have not had the chance to visit Japan yet, but everyone I know who goes there for a vacation or long stay says it is totally pawsome, and I believe that. It is a beautiful country with a rich culture. (Oh, btw, Tokyo Disneyland is FAR better than the one in Anaheim.) You can learn a lot from seeing different lands, which can open your eyes to new possibilities for yourself. Of course, you might not have a lot of time to do this as you will be executing your military duties but do your best. The point here is that you need to focus on yourself right now. I know, you want to be honest and open with your parents, which is a good thing, but it's pretty clear they are not completely ready for what you have to say. It is encouraging that they are supportive of you as a gay man, but they are still struggling with other concepts, such as trans and bi people and furries. You ask me, "What should I do to mend the relationship?" Relationships take two sides. This is not all up to you. Your parents need to meet you halfway. Do you feel they would be willing to talk in an open and compassionate way? Or do you think your brother's report is accurate? (Sounds like you are getting this second-hand instead of straight from your parents' mouths.) Being open and honest with family is always the preferred way to go, but you should not feel like it is your fault if they have some prejudices that you can't overcome. That's on them. You sound like you have become independent enough to live your own life, so the good news is that--unlike some younger furries who write to me who are still financially dependent on their families to live--you don't have to do whatever they tell you in order to have a life. You can be your own man now. Your military service will help you with that, I believe. Remember, you were not put on this Earth to please your parents, or anyone else for that matter. You are here to explore the world and to be your true self. Take as long as you need to do this. Do not let anyone set an artificial timetable on when you have to get things done. Don't let anyone dictate to you who you are or what you have to do. Don't seek other people's validation and approval. All of that is bullshit. Be yourself. Be kind to others. That is all you need to do. And when the time is right (you will know when), you can talk to your parents about all your feelings and what you feel is the authentic you. Does that make sense to you? Let me know if you have further questions. Bear Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
After reading your letter from 2019 about learning from past mistakes, you wrote a very nice and reassuring method on how to learn from them and move on with life. (https://www.askpapabear.com/letters/how-to-grow-from-past-mistakes) In a similar sense to that letter, when I was a teen (16-17 years old) I was having trouble with handling my emotions. I didn’t fully comprehend the concept of “think before you post”. I had very rare moments where I’d let my anger get the best of me; which resulted in me writing some really messed up comments on anger-inducing things/topics that triggered me. However, when I realized the weight of what I commented, I immediately apologized to the poster(s), and deleted them, admitting it was messed up and way out of line. I was forgiven for it, got on good terms with them, and I have never acted out like that ever since. I learned from my psychology course at college that the brain is still in a developmental phase at those ages. I was smart enough to take accountability for my words and actions as a teen, despite that. The step in your letter that I often have trouble with is forgiving myself. My Asperger’s/ASD causes me to replay some moments in my head from years ago, most often when I don’t want them to. Sometimes my remembrance of them can make me get horrible anxiety attacks, making my regrets weight me down. It takes a toll on both my mental and physical health. I know I made up for my mistakes nearly a decade ago, and was forgiven for it, but that lingering regret prevents me from practicing self-forgiveness. How do you forgive yourself when your own mind and body won’t let you? Anonymous * * * Dear Furiend, I apologize for the slow reply. I've been sick with the flu this week. All righty, to business then! You clearly know all the basics, including the fact that you have already made amends, were forgiven (great!), recognized your error, have striven to not repeat that mistake, etc. Also, you know that your condition aggravates what, for others, would be problematic and troubling but not quite as difficult to overcome as it is for a person on the spectrum. I recommend we begin by understanding exactly why pretty much everyone, at one point in their lives or another, suffers from feelings of guilt they can't seem to shake even though the cause of said guilt has been addressed and even fixed. It is, you see, an evolutionary adaptation. We are all designed to remember mistakes and their consequences so that we can learn and move forward. Let me give you a primitive example: Say you were an early ancestor foraging in the woods and you found what looked like a delicious berry, so you eat it, but not long afterwards, you become sick and vomit. From that point on, you would remember that berry, what it smelled and tasted like, and what eating it did to you. Even though you learned your lesson not to ever eat it, that powerful memory of becoming ill will be with you for possibly your entire life. The guilt you feel is like the bellyache the apish ancestor experienced. Even though they will never eat that berry again, the memory is painful and makes them cringe whenever it is brought back to mind. Your guilt is a berry bellyache. You're just recalling the memory. You know that you have resolved the situation and that everything is now okay. So, here's what you do: The next time you get that feeling of guilt, pause for a little bit. Sit down somewhere and think about what you're feeling. Say to yourself, "Oh, yes, that cringey guilt is back, but it's not there because I'm still a bad person. It's just reminding me that when I get online and write something to be mindful of what I say to others!" Then, thank the cringey guilt berry ache for the reminder and put it aside to continue your day. That is, focus your attention on what you are doing in the present, note that the cringeberry tastes particularly sour to people on the spectrum but that just makes your reminder more pronounced and noticeable, and congratulate yourself for your success in doing better today. Focus on the present. When we recognize things for what they are rather than what we imagine them to be, they become much less threatening and troublesome. Bear Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I just finished school and am trying to decide where to go from here. I've been living with family in Michigan throughout my 20s to save money, but all my family members have moved out of my hometown to the southern part of the state because it's gotten too expensive to live up north in the resort town I grew up in. My mom got a house in Port Huron (a smallish city just north of Detroit) and invited me and my brother to live with her, though to be honest, Port Huron seems kinda dull. I have been thinking of moving to a big city for a while, and I had my eyes on Chicago because I've been there before. It's not too far from family, it has good public transit, and it's cheaper than a lot of big cities. My brother said he would come with me if I decided to go. I'm still hesitant, and I'm wondering if I actually want to live in a big city, or if I just like the idea of it. I've never liked driving, and I like using public transit and being able to walk everywhere. I'm moving to Port Huron in the spring, and I plan on staying there for maybe a year to save more money before deciding where to go from there. o be blunt, my degree isn't all that useful, but I work for a big company and can transfer, and I do furry art commissions on the side. I went to college on and off throughout my 20s and struggled at first because of undiagnosed ADHD, which I started taking meds for just a couple of years ago. I mostly just finished my degree to make my mom happy. I've also considered doing some kind of online certification to get a better paying day job I don't hate, but I question if it's even worth it since even people with "useful" degrees can't find jobs right now. I was just curious if you had any advice. Sorry if my letter is kind of all over the place. I'm just a little overwhelmed. Stee (age 30) * * * Dear Stee, Thank you for your letter. Your query is a bit vague, but let me see if I can encapsulate it in one sentence as: "Do you think it is wise for me to move from Michigan and settle in Chicago at this point in my life?" Sound good? First of all, as someone who lived in Michigan for many years (mostly in the Detroit and Lansing areas), I am familiar with Port Huron. Although I hear, like any city, it has its problems, I think it is still a nice place overall, and it wouldn't be horrible to live there. It is in a beautiful area and is quite affordable. Also, I understand it has a very good bus system that runs on natural gas, so you shouldn't have too much trouble getting around, especially if you live near a bus stop. I can understand your mom moving there. While Port Huron does have some fun stuff to do, especially if you like nature walks and boating, it is indeed a bit calmer than a large city like Chicago, which has a thriving arts and theater community, a wonderful waterfront, great restaurants, etc. etc. So, if you like living in the city, it's a good choice. I lived in Wheaton not far from Chicago for a while and visited a number of times. I do like Chicago. And if you like heavy food like Chicago-style pizza and hot dogs, you certainly can't go wrong. Remember, though, that it isn't just a town's amenities that make it interesting. If you are in a home located near a lot of friends and family, then even, say, Needles, California, could be a nice place to live. On the other paw, if you are in a big, exciting city like New York or Chicago but are completely friendless and alone, it would be a pretty sad place to be. Home is where friends and family are. Okay, so now imagine you are in Port Huron with your mom. You've decided to hang out for at least a year. Chicago is not that far, and you can drive there (I assume you can drive even though you prefer public transit; if you don't have a car, rent one), or you can take a hopper plane, OR you can travel by train! Go to Chicago and check it out for a week or two. See if you like the feel of the city. Also, see if you really are able to transfer to Chicago or nearby through your company (you might think you can, but that is up to your bosses, and they might not want to move you; I don't know, but check on that before you make big plans). If you know anyone who lives there, see if you can hang with them for a day or two and get their impressions of life in Chicago. In short, look before you leap. You might decide Chicago is fantastic and want to try to move there right away; you might decide it's not so great but that, once you've been in Port Huron awhile, you find it surprisingly nice and want to stay. Or maybe, while you're in Chicago, you decide to drive a little north to check out Milwaukee and fall in love with that city. The point is that you should never make decisions--especially life-changing decisions--without doing some research first. Before I moved from Michigan to the Coachella Valley, I took a trip to Palm Springs and researched the housing market and came up with a plan. Now, I had lived before in SoCal, so the area wasn't completely new to me, but I hadn't been there in years, so it was worth looking into again. Also, as a freelancer, I could live anywhere, so the job thing wasn't an issue. Everyone's circumstances are different. Cultures are different, too. The culture in Palm Springs is waaaaaaaayyy different than in Lansing, Michigan. Similarly, Chicago does have its own culture. Even the accent of a Chicagoan is different. You really should try to take a trip there for a bit and absorb the surroundings, observe people, try to talk to them, and so on. Again, you might find you love it, you might not. When it comes to degrees, that is a tricky subject indeed. I'm one of the few people I know whose job is actually related to their undergrad degree. There are also people with kind of, well, useless degrees who succeed anyway in other fields. I have a dear friend who I often use an example. His degree is in American Studies. Ack. But after college, he worked his way up at a law firm from data entry to head of the IT department. He later worked on Comedy Central's website. He has no degree in computer science, but he is very good with computers, nonetheless. My late husband, Jim, had an associate's degree in communications and worked his way up to be the news director at an NBC station. Unless you're in a very specific skill such as medicine or engineering, college degrees are kind of something you do to show you're smart enough to do the work. Nothing I do today as an editor and publisher has much to do with my B.A. I learned how to edit books on the job; I taught myself typesetting; I taught myself how to start a business. Experience is what matters. Remember, people like Bill Gates, Steve Wozniak, Steven Spielberg, Frank Lloyd Wright, Ted Turner, President William McKinley were all college dropouts. And yes, a lot of people get graduate degrees in supposedly important fields like computer science and find they can't get employed and are now hugely in debt. Also, AI is profoundly changing the job market, so you have to keep that in mind, too. So, ask yourself what you are learning in your current job; can it be applied to a job you might enjoy more? If not, will getting a certification in a specific area help? If so, then go for it. You have to know what you want to do in life before you can pursue it. Hopefully, you won't pick a career just because you think you will make good money at it. That can lead to quite an unsatisfying life. Now for the broader picture: You're not here in this world to get a college degree or to have a great career. You're here to experience life. While there are practical things to worry about (earning enough to have shelter and food, duh), you only have a few decades on this planet--and that's if you're lucky. What do you really want to do with that time? What do you wish to experience? What kind of life do you truly want to live? Without answering these questions, you're really just wandering about aimlessly, which makes it difficult to have goals and plans to reach those goals. So, there you are. A rambling question receives a rambling answer, despite my trying to keep it focused LOL. Let me try one more time. . . . Question: "Do you think it is wise for me to move from Michigan and settle in Chicago at this point in my life?" Answer: "You can only answer that if you do some research first. Understand where you are going and why you want to go there before you try to get there." Not sure if this helps at all, but perhaps it will give you some things to think about. Take Care, Papabear Papabear,
I found this site a few months ago and decided to write. After all, at worst nothing bad would happen, I guess. English is not my native language, so my English may not be perfect. The thing is, I'm autistic, and my family infantilizes me; they always have done so. For example, my father has talked to me in baby speak regardless of how offensive it was to me and no matter how much I expressed that... Until I exploded in rage when I was 13 years old. That was the one thing that made him stop; the only thing that worked. Even to this day, I see younger relatives having more freedoms, with them being younger than me because their parents simply allow it or at the very least don't put every effort in impeding it. They encourage them to have friends; they allow them to drive to do what they need; they allow them to... Well, basically have autonomy like any late teen or adult should have. However, every relative takes my family's side on the topic because, well... I' autistic, and in their minds, how is an autistic person independent in any way? I would love to make friends IRL--maybe even get a romantic partner--but every time they refused to allow me to interact with anyone outside school in my younger years on the basis of them believing that "they wanted to take advantage of me." And, of course, being young and naive, I believed them. And by the time I realized the idea of literally everyone wanting to use me was stupid, it was too late. Friend groups were already formed and solidified, and I already had the reputation as "the weird guy who never gets out of home." I have missed so many milestones simply because my family refused to allow me to have them on the basis of "being worried about me." I also have a driving license, but they do not allow me to drive because "they fear something will happen to me" and say that I need practice--practice that never comes beyond my taking them to places, but it's never enough to them. This has cost me many job opportunities, and to this day I'm unemployed because where I live there is no public transportation and no jobs. I have a lot of education, but it doesn't matter because they won't allow me to drive to any potential job I could get out of it. I still do free online courses that I'm able to get into because I can't just do nothing at all, but without being allowed to drive to any potential job it all feels worthless. To this day I have been able to get minimal amounts of freedom and autonomy but only by exploding in rage multiple times, screaming, insulting them, and saying how much they are an obstacle in my life and that despite what they say, every chance they get they prove that they see me as a useless and fragile being that will break as soon I'm out of their view. But that is ceasing to work. To clarify, I have never physically harmed them, despite the many times they have done so to me (my brother even wanted to burn my face one time when I was a child, but changed his mind because he wouldn't been able to escape any consequences from that; when I told my parents this, they did ... nothing, like every other time my brother harmed me). They don't physically hurt me anymore because now I'm able to defend myself if necessary, but I genuinely do not know how to deal with this anymore because an honest conversation about the topic has never worked. They only see me as my autism and nothing else. I have tried going to multiple psychologists, but they have all taken their side. In some cases, they decided that, above all else, I was the one who had to see their perspective and understand where they were coming from (I genuinely cannot conceive any possible perspective that justifies or makes understandable or even tolerable the idea of wanting to burn a child's face, and I am certain that I shouldn't in the first place). In other cases, they said I lied because, in their words, "Family doesn't do that," and they would not believe me when I say that, in fact, I do chores, I put effort in what I try to do, etc. To them, if whatever I said didn't support a false narrative of me being the problem, it was a lie. One psychiatrist in particular tried to convince me that my autism diagnosis is not real because (in their words) "I dont look autistic" in the first and only session I had with him. To be honest, jumping from psychologist to psychologist and bleeding money without getting anywhere doesn't seem a viable option anymore to me. The idea of "the right one" existing seems like a mere fantasy. I have online friends (including furries; I am one myself), but I also fear what they will do if they discover that. I don't know what to do anymore. Do you think there is something I can do to finally have control of my own life? With Regards, Brian (age 27, Spain) * * * Dear Brian, Thank you for reaching out. Your English is quite good, no worries. And you are clearly an intelligent and sensitive young man who, based on your story, is basically being imprisoned by his own family. To be clear, autism is not something that lowers your intelligence, so your father treating you like an infant is, indeed, insulting. I've known people with autism who have become doctors. You're not stupid. You are not violent. You are not a danger to yourself or others--at least, not from what I can see here. My difficulty is that I am in the USA, not Spain. Also, Spain is a large country with diverse regions, and I don't know where you are, exactly, that you don't have access to public transportation. Are you somewhere in the more sparsely populated Central part of Spain far from major cities like Madrid or Barcelona? Psychologists are not helping you because you are not mentally or emotionally disturbed. Your condition is formally called "Austism Spectrum Disorder"; however, I do not see autism as a disorder. You are not broken; you are different. How are you different? People with autism have synapses in the brain that are wired differently. I've seen studies in which scientists said there were more synapses connecting in the brain, and I've seen them where they say there are fewer synapse connections. (This just shows that more research is needed and that you can't draw conclusions from one study). But recent studies are also suggesting that autism is related to human evolution and is related to Homo sapiens' rapid development in cognitive--especially language--skills. In other words, autism might be a byproduct of improvements to the human genome. Anyway, that just means you are different; not necessarily better or worse. In this bear's humble opinion, the fact that we are seeing so many people with autism is a sign that Mother Nature is experimenting with human evolution again (she does that, you know), seeing what works and what doesn't. According to the form you submitted to Papabear, you are 27, which is more than old enough to get out on your own and live your life without your oppressive and unsupportive family preventing you from having a life. I would say that you would be wasting your energy trying to turn your family around and make them help rather than hinder you. To do this, you need a lifeline, people to whom you can connect for help. I'm a bit too far away for that, and also you are outside the USA, which means giving you contact information for an American organization would be fruitless. Therefore, I looked online for any organization in Spain that might help. The one I found is called Confederacion Autismo Espana at https://autismo.org.es/. I would suggest you check out this website and try to contact them, explain your situation, and see if they can provide you with leads to help. Now, as for the furry fandom, it can actually be helpful to you. Here is an entire article (ending in a video) about furries with autism, the challenges they face, and how being involved in the fandom can actually help you. Here is a documentary about furries with autism that might be of use to you. So, to summarize, my recommendation is to reach out to Confederacion Autismo Espana and to the furry community. Since your family is not helpful and psychologists have proven ineffective, it is time for you to find other avenues for assistance and support. I hope the above information will be helpful to you. Good Luck! Bear Hugs! Papabear Dear Papabear,
I’m new here. I've very recently been delving myself into parts of the furry community, but yet even though I've drawn and thought about my own fursona, love seeing others fursonas, and have always in my life supported and loved seeing furries share art and fursuits, I feel so disconnected from it all. It feels uncomfortable to call myself a furry even if rationally I am one. My partner says I’m in denial. I suppose I’ve just had a long history since childhood of supporting furries while not necessarily being a furry myself. I liked my friends, and I defended them at a time where discrimination was rampant. I’ve had best friends, family, and now a partner who are all furries and love them all. I love the art and creativity in this community so much. Now I find myself in the realization that I’m interested in the community, and I like making fursona art for instance; but even though I have all this it feels weird to call myself a part of this community. I feel like I have to earn the title of being a furry and I don’t know where I got this notion from because, rationally, I know of course not. I think I feel too disconnected from the community to claim myself to be a part of it. It feels odd to me to just call myself a furry; it doesn’t feel that simple to my brain. It feels like a sort of commitment or a big identity and something that needs history behind it. I don’t know how to explain my thoughts. I have countless theories of just why I could be feeling so disconnected and uncomfortable at calling myself a furry. But I don’t know why or how. I’m sorry for this ramble ..., but I would like guidance on this. How can I, as a newcomer, feel comfortable calling myself a part of this community? How can I feel more connected and, I suppose, feel "deserving" to being a furry? Am I in denial? Anonymous (age 18) * * * Dear Furiend, Thank you for your letter. First thing you must do! THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT SO DO NOT IGNORE WHAT I AM ABOUT TO TELL YOU OR YOU WILL REGRET IT FOREVER AND EVER!!! *CUE FLASHY RED LIGHTS AND SIRENS! PANIC AND RUN AROUND IN RANDOM PATTERNS AS YOU SCREAM IN TERROR!* calm ... down ... and be more like Baloo (more below on that). The furry fandom has no organization to it. No membership fees. Hell, there aren't even strict guidelines on what qualifies you as a furry or not. Everyone has a different opinion. Scientists are even confused. In the book Furscience: A Decade of Psychological Research on the Furry Fandom (IARP, 2023), about the only thing a group of sociologists and other researchers could agree on is that furries are people who have "a fan-like interest in stories, art, media, and fantasies featuring anthropomorphized animal characters." However, having an interest in such things doesn't mean you have to be a furry. I mean, there are millions of people out there who like movies, cartoons, TV shows, and books featuring anthros, and they don't call themselves furries. My fursuit maker, the talented Beastcub, is heavily involved in furcons and doing commissions, but she doesn't consider herself a furry. There are authors who have been invited to be guests of honor at furcons who don't think of themselves as furries (Robert J. Sawyer, author of the "Quintaglio Ascension Trilogy" springs to mind--I recommend his books, btw). R. Crumb, author of the Fritz the Cat comics, would spit in your face if you called him a furry. But I digress.... When it comes to labeling oneself, there are several options here: 1. You might like anthro stuff, but you do not consider yourself furry. 2. You can be a furry hobbyist (being involved in the fandom and all that it entails) 3. You can be a furry lifestyler (fanship), which means identifying personally with anthros in various ways, but not necessarily being active in the fandom 4. You can be both a hobbyist and a lifestyler (when this goes to the far end of the scale and your life is basically all about furry, you are talking about being "furry trash," which is a fun label, really, and not meant to be insulting) You can be any of these things to varying degrees or none of them. Look, being a furry is not like coming out about your sexual identity. This isn't about genetics or even psychology (unless you're a Lycan or Therian, which is a whole nuther conversation). If you don't want to be considered a furry because you aren't comfortable with that, then that is totally fine, and people like your partner shouldn't accuse you of being in "denial" or anything like that. Do what you want to do, be what you want to be, and identify as you feel you truly are without apologies. As for your comment that you feel like you have to somehow "earn" the right to be called a furry: nonsense. Anyone can call themselves a furry if they like. And if anyone tries to gatekeep you, tell them Papabear told them to stick that attitude where the sun don't shine. Furthermore, your "countless theories" comment indicates you are waaaaaaaaaaay overthinking this, my furiend. Which leads me back to Baloo, my "Bear Necessities" inspiration. Baloo enjoys his jungle, eating, and sleeping, and he doesn't worry about much other than that other than his friends. He's a very happy bear. We should all emulate him. In this world, when it comes to things you have to do, there are only a few things that qualify: 1. You have to eat and drink. 2. You have to poop and pee. 3. You have to breathe oxygen. 4. You have to sleep. Literally everything else is optional, so don't let others tell you what you have to do. Such people are usually just trying to control or manipulate you, and that includes some people in the fandom. Take all this artificial pressure off yourself--pressure being applied both from without and from within--and just enjoy furry stuff if that's what you want to do. You don't have to attend furmeets or furcons if you don't want to, or go on furry social media, or even create a fursona if you don't want to. Or, if you do, go ahead. But even doing so doesn't mean you have to identify as a furry. I mean, when it comes to avatars, just think of people who play World of Warcraft or Dungeons and Dragons and create an anthro character of some sort. Many of them aren't furries, yet they might have, say, a character who is a kobold or maybe they are a dragon or a minotaur warrior or something like that, characters that would fit right into the fandom, and yet they are not furries. And there's nothing wrong with having lots of furry friends and family members and yet not being a furry yourself. This is called being a fur ally. My last two husbands have been fur allies. Cool people. You can be like that if you wish. I hope my words have eased your mind somewhat. Stop pressuring yourself, stop torturing yourself, stop feeling like you have to make a decision about this. You don't. And if someone asks you if you are a furry, just say, "Well, I have furry friends and I like the art, but I don't have a fursona and I'm cool with just being me right now and enjoying the ride," or something of that nature. No need to commit one way or the other. If that frustrates people, that's their problem, not yours. Blessed Be, Papabear |
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An excellent article on coming out LGBT to Christian parents.
A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.
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