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Dear Papabear,
I am dealing with some problems at home, and I don't know what I should do without getting the people at my home in trouble. I have been in the furry fandom since I was 10, and I love fursuits! The thing is, I cannot express myself. I am too scared to. My dad jokes and makes fun of furries; my mom makes fun of therians and thinks therians are furries. I told my sister about my true thoughts (which I regret doing). I like metal, grunge, and alternative rock. I'm Goth; I am transgender; I like to watch "Murder Drones" and "The Amazing Digital Circus" (MURDER DRONES IS BETTER!!) ,and I am a furry. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells to hide all this stuff from my parents. I have to do whatever she says so she won't tell on me. I hate that!! My dad and sister are verbally abusive, and I have been pretty mentally abused. The crazy thing is, I have also been physically/sexaually assaulted by my sister, who is currently 10! She touches me inappropriately all the time! I don't feel that safe around her.... I wish I could just be myself, you know? But I can't. I am in so much mental pain, and I don't know if I can deal with the pain. ( JUST SO YOU KNOW, I AM TOO SCARED TO COMMIT SUICIDE.) I just wish I could leave this toxic family. My mom and dad want to keep me away from my overly supportive friends, who keep me going. Without them, I don't feel like I have a purpose. I am kinda like a guard dog, you know? I like to protect them and be mean and fierce, but I am also like the sweetest doggo on the planet!! But my mom and dad are trying to separate me from them, and that really hurts. On this current day, I feel like I am NOT good enough. I feel like I ruin everything and that's true.... One time, the cops got called because my dad slapped me on the face and that was all. He was pretty mad after that.... EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT!!! I hate this..... I honestly don't know if I can keep doing this.... I kinda hate myself and my life, you know? I just don't wanna talk to anyone about it.... I wish I could just be myself..... I wish I didn't have to deal with this.... I don't know what to do anymore..... Thanks so much for taking the time out of your day to read this letter!! :) *Hugs you* Many thanks + hugs + Bonez the skulldog (age 13) * * * Dear Bonez, Thank you for being so brave as to write and ask for help. Unfortunately, since you emailed Papabear using a school mail server, I cannot reply to you directly (schools block any incoming mail from unknown sources, which I explain on this website). So, it is my hope you will return to this website and see my reply online. I would like to emphasize emphatically (and please forgive the caps) that NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT. You have done absolutely NOTHING wrong. I know you feel that way, but if there is anything I can do to make you feel better, that is the thing I must stress the most. With that said, it is very disturbing what you told me about your 10-year-old sister. That's messed up (again, NOT your fault). Truly, you have hit on an issue that, in all my 15 years writing this column, I have not been asked to address directly: child-on-child sexual abuse, which I will refer to as COCSA for the rest of this letter (and we'll get to your parents, too, don't worry). Not only are you a victim of child abuse, but you are also a victim of incest. This is quite traumatic. According to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN.org), COCSA has not been recognized very long and is thus not an official term for the problem, although it is a term commonly used in the psychology community. It must also be stressed here that COCSA is not the same as normal child sexual play (sometimes referred to as "playing doctor") in which children are just exploring and getting to know their anatomy. COCSA, on the contrary, involves forced sex, including inappropriate touching, penetration, and, in many cases, physical and emotional abuse involving pain and humiliation. These things are obviously not healthy in any way. Why do children like your sister initiate such abuse? More than likely, they have been abused themselves, and this usually comes from a family member. The resulting hurt and anger is then transferred from and projected to their victim--in this case, you. This means that something bad has also been happening to your sister, and she needs help as much as you do. Victims of incest and COCSA suffer many of the same effects as other victims of sex crimes, including PTSD, depression, anxiety, sleep disorders, eating disorders, substance abuse, and suicide. (I'm glad to hear you do not intend suicide, although the thought has clearly crossed your mind.) Bonez, helping you with this is a bit out of my capabilities, so I would like to suggest to you that you contact RAINN's free online help line. Just go to their site at RAINN.org and you'll see a Get Help Now yellow button at the top of the page. Click it and talk to a free counselor who can guide you on what to do. Tell them about your sister, too. I strongly suspect that it is your father who is abusing your sister, who then abuses you. I suspect this because of their loud mockery of furries, and usually when people mock and attack others for their sexual leanings and behavior, it is a form of projection. That is, they project their own inappropriate or ugly sexual practices and desires onto others and then accuse those others of being bad people instead of recognizing it in themselves. If you feel you are being abused--mentally or physically--in your household, there are some people you can contact for help: Child Welfare, Safety and Protection in Lincoln, NE, or, if you are in immediate danger, call 911. There is also RAINN, which has many resources for you. Meanwhile, hold onto your identity as a furry, as trans, as Goth, and whatever else you relate to. And hold on to your friends, too! I'm glad you have some supportive friends! Don't let your family get between you and your pals. They're important. Your dad slapping you in the face is not acceptable. Too bad the cops did nothing. Bonez, you are in a bad situation, it is true. Be careful. Do some research, especially through that RAINN site. If you feel it is safe to do so, you might also talk to an adult at your school. I'm sorry you are going through this, but, again, it is NOT your fault. I hope you will believe me when I say that. Your family is the problem. I hope you see this post. Take Care, Papabear
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Hello PapaBear,
I am a 28-year-old woman who recently lost her mom. I was her caregiver for 6 years. I am an only child, reserved, shy, and quiet. How do I move on from this and work on myself? People have things going on in their lives and friends etc. I'm a loner, and my mom always told me to work on my health. Yes, I gained weight due to her hospitalizations and being there with her every day when she was there. I don't want to fall into a depression. She was a positive and optimistic person despite her terminal illnesses. She'd always give me pep talks, telling me to believe in myself and that I could accomplish my dreams. I have two associates degrees. I'd only use one, which is Spanish. I am bilingual. I have always had dreams and goals, but unfortuneately, I couldn't achieve them while she was alive due to stress, not having extra help like a therapist, or friends and family close by, etc. How do I move on without failing? BeachLover14 * * * Dear BeachLover14, You certainly have a sympathetic ear with Papabear. I am a caregiver, too, who is still attending to my 100% disabled husband. First of all, though, my condolences for the loss of your mother. She sounds like she was a lovely person, and I'm sure you cared for her and loved her very much and miss her a lot. I don't know whether you are familiar with this, but there is something called caregiver stress syndrome. People who spend long hours every day taking care of loved ones for months and even years are prone to it. Some of the symptoms include anxiety, depression, irritability, anger, fatigue, emotional outbursts, and feelings of helplessness and guilt over having these emotions. Caretakers are also subject to headaches, muscle aches, insomnia, high blood pressure, and a weakened immune system. They often cope by becoming less sociable, neglecting their own health, and indulging in overeating, alcohol, and even drugs. As you can imagine, this is not good for your health, and recent medical studies indicate that, on average, caregivers age and die years before those who are not caregivers. Many caregivers come to resent the ones they are helping, and then they can feel guilty that their feelings of love may wane over time. This doesn't mean they do not love them, but the strain of all the work can have a detrimental effect. It helps that your mom was an optimistic, emotionally supportive person. With me, it helps that Michael, my husband, is also quite a positive person and is supportive of me. Nevertheless, in your email you indicate that you do have some signs of CSS, including withdrawing some from society (you describe yourself as a loner), weight gain, and concerns about your health and that you might be heading for depression. For the last six years, you have trained yourself to put your mother and her needs above yours. Your life has revolved around her to the point that you have lost some of your identity, your sense of self. It is time, therefore, to train yourself to take care of your own needs and dreams, to not feel guilty that you are your number one concern at this time. You have to retrain the neurons in your brain to stop worrying about other people for a while. This is not selfish, it is necessary. Another thing to note: Psychologists call it "caregiver grief." This is different from the regular grief we suffer when a loved one dies. When a caregiver loses the person they were caring for, they lose not only that person but they also lose the role and identity they assumed for years. Some might think it is a relief to no longer have to play that role, but for many caregivers it can be a sad experience, too. You have lost that person you felt you were; you can grieve for that, too. So, not only do you need to allow yourself to grieve for your two losses, but you also need to find that person you are now. There are several things I suggest you do:
Your last question was, "How do I move on without failing?" You can't worry about failing, my furiend. Whether you succeed or fail is not the point. The point is that you need to put yourself first when it comes to your health and mental well-being. Failing occasionally is a part of life. If you fail at something--like a job or taking a class--it's really not a big deal. That just means that something wasn't right for you, and you need to find something else and focus on that. As long as you keep trying and never give up, you are already a success. You've already proven you are not a quitter. After all, you took care of your mom for years and never gave up on her all the way until the end. If you can do that, you can survive anything. You got this! [Now, for all those who are caregivers and their charge is still alive, here is a note for you from someone in the same boat: You might not have the same amount of time that BeachLover has, but you can still set aside time to do something for you. For example, what I personally do is spend some "me time" whenever Michael is asleep (he goes to bed earlier and sleeps in longer than I do). I enjoy peaceful mornings of drinking coffee and watching hummingbirds outside my window. I go for walks. I go to the gym. I visit friends when I can. Now, I have to limit my time away, but I can still do these things. All you need is an hour or two a day to focus on you, and that can really help. Another option that is available for some people is, if you can, turn the reins over to a professional caregiver or to a family member once in a while. Whatever you do, just remember that your life matters, too. Blessed Be.] Bear Hugs, Papabear Hello Papabear!
I just turned 18 back in March. I waited for this moment so I could finally earn cash from the government due to my autism. I discovered furries when I was 8, and I loved the entire idea with my whole heart; this has not changed, luckily :D Lately, I've been really thinking of making a fursuit head, paws and feet. I want to dance to songs as my fursona and share it on the internet. However, here's the catch: My parents do not know that I am a furry, nor do they know what a furry is. My room is filled with a bunch of furry art; they don't really think much about it other than it being childish. The problem is that if I'll buy materials, my mother will ask me what I am up to. She REALLY likes to have control on everything she can lay her hands on, including my privacy. I just want to make my own fursuit without my parents questioning what the hell am I or how weird this is. How should I handle this? Should I just tell them or wait till I live at my very own house? Sincerely, Raine * * * Hi, Raine, Thank you for your letter. Let's go through this step by step. Now, the only way you're going to collect Supplemental Security Income due to being on the spectrum would be if your autism is severe enough to qualify you as disabled. So, you would have to be on the low-functioning end of the spectrum. Even over age 18 and being certified as disabled, you're probably only receiving like $500 to $900 a month (the federal maximum is currently $943/month), yes? Not enough to live on. You're likely going to continue living with your parents, unless you have a job with some good income, but you do not mention that; and if you did, it would probably indicate you're not exactly disabled. If I am correct on this, it means your parents are probably going to be pretty protective of you because they know they have a lot of responsibility for your well-being even though you are 18 now. What you see as Mom wanting to "have control on everything she can lay her hand on, including my privacy" is really her being overprotective. I would bet money on that. And she likely knows more about your interest than you think, seeing as you've been into it for 10 years while living under your parents' roof (I mean, they can't be so dumb that they don't have a clue about your interests, right?) Because she is very protective, she is going to be wary of Furries and will probably — like most parents — make the wrong assumptions. The good news is that she (and your dad, I presume) seem pretty tolerant of your furry stuff so far, not seeing it as a danger but just as something kind of childish. So, what you need to do is educate her a bit about the fandom. A very good introduction to the fandom is a free YouTube documentary by Ash Coyote at The Fandom: A Furry Documentary Full Movie. It provides a good background on the fandom, lots of interviews, and a solid sense of what Furries are about. Watch it. Then, if you agree it's good, ask your parents to watch it with you. Use it as a starting point for discussion about Furries and why you like this fandom. Once the lines of communication are open, you can have an honest conversation about it. Remember, there is nothing for you to be ashamed of here, so don't act embarrassed in front of your parents. The fandom is something that literally hundreds of thousands of people across the planet are involved in, including this 60-year-old bear. It is a place for a bit of escapism, indulging one's imagination, having fun, and making friends, and there is nothing wrong with that. Make sense? Write again if you have further questions. Or you can also tell them to write me directly. I'd be happy to talk with them. Big Bear Hugs, Papabear Hi Papabear,
I'm volunteering at a furry convention that I've been going to for a while now, and I enjoy it. My question is that this is my first time volunteering there, and I'm nervous that I'll mess it up. What should I do to alleviate this fear? Any advice you could give me would be great. Zapper (Utah) * * * Dear Zapper, Good for you for stepping up as a volunteer :D Since you're in Utah, I'm guessing you're going to AWU, yes? And that starts in a couple of weeks, so I imagine you know where you will be volunteering, such as in Ops, or helping in the Dealer Den or with set-up and take down or registration or whatev. I have never been to AWU, but I am pretty sure it operates like any other hotel-based furcon. This means that each aspect of the con will have a person in charge (e.g., there will be someone who is the lead for volunteers in the art room, the fursuit dance, the registration area, and so on). If you haven't already done so, find out who is in charge of your particular group. Then talk to them about any questions you might have. Also, there is usually a volunteer meeting at the beginning of the con (most volunteers make sure they are attending early to make time for that). Definitely go to the volunteer meeting. This is where they will explain policies such as how to handle unruly guests, how to contact security, how to sign in and out of your time slot, and so on. AWU is a medium-sized con that has about 2,500 attendees each year (latest figures), so it shouldn't be too bogged down with organizers being overwhelmed by emergencies and challenges often seen at the huge cons. You should be able to track down someone to get any questions and concerns answered. Every new volunteer makes mistakes. One time, I volunteered for Ops at FC, and let's be honest, I really sucked that time and was not a great help. I talked to the lead afterwards, and they said I did fine and they appreciated the help I gave. I bet you do better than me! Con organizers LOVE their volunteers and always appreciate them, so don't worry if you're not perfect. Have a great con! Papabear Hi Papabear,
I have written multiple times before, but this time I'm "all grown up" (not really but I'm 18) and have finally graduated, feelin' old yet? Anyway, this isn't about that. To be truthful, I haven't actually done any furry stuff in forever. Like, I'm talking the actual last time I still was a cisgender girl lol. I'm trying to get back into it, but it's harder than hell. Within the last couple of years, my family--but especially my brother and father--have been weirdly judgmental and borderline hateful sometimes. Basically, half of the things I am are usually bashed: Furries, MLP fans, trans people, people who make headcanons about fictional characters (especially headcanoning that a character is gay or trans), people who are in relationships or are very attached to fictional characters, and some more, but those are the main ones that are literally me. I know it shouldn't upset me, but the Furries one will always tip me off because my brother will always say stuff like, "Oh, don't go to that discord server" just because "furry" is in the name of the group or whatever (apparently, due to a real thing that happened at some point regarding a furry server and some disgusting stuff being posted in secret channels, but he's obviously doing it to be rude). Another thing is that I am a trans man but still not out. I'm also gay, so I always do headcanons for characters if I see them. My current big interest is the Metal Gear franchise. There are 2 characters--Kazuhira Miller and Big Boss--and I am a big shipper of them as I love both of them as characters, so naturally, I talk about it. I did once and my dad said, "You see gayness where there isn't." He had his tone joking, but I could clearly tell he believed it. Also, weird stuff regarding fictosexual people: my fictional other is Old Snake from MGS4 and has been since I was 15. Anyway, sorry for those long paragraphs. They were for catching up and what brought me here. Here's a big one, and the one that made me want to write this after it happened: So about 2 months after my last message back in May 2024 there was a big incident. My dad was listening to a video; it was those podcasts where they bring in a woman and like insult her just for having OnlyFans and other such ignorant things. Honestly, to me, it felt very much staged. So, I mentioned that I said it felt staged and almost like a strawman. He flew off his handles. He started raising his voice, telling me that saying something like that (that a podcast that just insults women seems like it brings in strawmen to insult them) is very rude and for me to say something like that to rape victims--yes, he thought that was a fantastic comparison. Then we got home and he looked at my mom and said, "You should show them the struggles men face," and, of course, my dad started his whole "straight white men are seen as worse than black people" spiel. Talking to a closeted trans man about it is a tough sell, even back in 2024, due to being in a red state. Sorry about the long email, but I just needed to show everything that catalyzed this email: some old, some new but the question is: How do I be myself when it's bashed and made fun of all the time around me? It seems like nearly every email I've ever sent actually just is this question but presented differently. Thank you for reading my long ramble. GLaDOS The Wolf * * * Hi, GLaDOS, Yes, I recall you. You wrote me back in 2020 and again in 2024. And now you are 18 and morphing into that bizarre land we call adulting ;) You thought kidhood was rough! Wait for Adulting! The Sequel! And yes, I am old. I'm working on my 61st trip around the Sun. And I will have to admit that language is changing fast, and I had to look up headcanon (but I did know shipping and straw man, so I'm not hopeless). Please be understanding toward ol' Papabear, therefore, if I sometimes use old people's words in my reply to you ;) You're just another example of the eternal struggle in societies to be different. So, you have a crush on Metal Gear characters and have some fantasizing about other fictional scenarios--so what? That is actually not unusual at all. It is also normal for people to project their own feelings, inclinations, philosophies, etc. onto characters and plots we see in fiction. Whereas you might project a trans view onto a TV character, your father does the same thing from a straight male perspective (at least, he asserts he is straight). Why do people like your father get so riled up about people who are LGBTQ or are fans of MLP or are Furries or whatev? There's a simple explanation, really. People who have been raised to believe in one view and see the entire world from one perspective find doing so to be very comforting. If everyone, for example, was one race, one sexual orientation (among 2 choices, of course), one nationality, and practiced one religion, things would be predictable, and predictable things are reassuring and not scary. This can be a very scary world, as you likely have already figured out, and when things are scary, unpredictable, and seem dangerous, people try to grasp onto things that seem solid and reliable, such as their religion or the idea that you can only be what you look like on the outside. When people's beliefs are challenged, they get scared, and being scared can lead to anger and shouting. The problem is even worse when someone is not of a particularly high intelligence and is unable to comprehend or accept that things may be more complicated than they were raised to believe. People like that will "bash" you and make fun of you because you are different. You challenge their worldview, and this scares them. They aren't able to handle it. They don't have the brainpower, quite frankly, to imagine that not everything is the way they were told it was. Another scenario is when people who are deeply closeted and cannot admit to themselves that they don't fit the mold society imposes on them react aggressively against anything that violates conservative laws. This is because they are afraid they themselves might not be able to fit what society wants. The possibility is very frightening, and so they become homophobes or bigots to create a protective facade. I'm not saying this is necessarily true of your father, but it is possible. So, your question of "How do I be myself when it's bashed and made fun of all the time around me?" has to do not with you but with your environment, the people surrounding you. The strategies available to you are:
Number 4 is, of course, a stupid option. Number 1 changes nothing. Number 2 is a lie. This leaves number 3 as really the best option. I'm not saying you should move out of the house right now, but since you are 18, I would venture to guess you will be moving out at some point soon to go to school or work or maybe join the military (not really a great option for you, I would suggest) or who knows: something to do with growing up, anyway. If 3 is not an option, though, the next best is number 1, but you will need to learn to deal with it in a very Stoic way. The central premise of the philosophical school of Stoicism is that you need to acknowledge that you can't change who people are (nor can you change that sometimes bad things will happen to you), but what you can change is how you react to them. To do so, you have to recognize that your father and brother are, in their way, suffering from a disability. It is the disability of having a closed mind, for whatever reason. Now, you can try to educate them, sure, but that could take years, a lot of effort, a lot of tears, and it might not work at all. So, get ready for another numbered list (I'm German and have a love of numbered lists).
And don't worry so much, GLaDOS. You're fine! The best thing you can do as you enter the adult world is accept yourself for who you are without shame and, indeed, with pride. Speaking of Pride, what a great letter for Pride Month, yes? Go find your people, hon, and embrace your life and your spirit without apologies. Blessed Be, Papabear [Papabear note: This letter is a follow up to one from April 17]
Dear Papabear, Oh, hi, again, hehe. I think I was busy last month but I really appreciate your answer, well for your recommendations. Lebanon and Jordan are not safe, either, like, totally. I really would get out and live in Europe--well, not France or Germany (I have my reasons)--but I opt for the British Isles. I can find the community, the love, there, the care. The people are supportive, especially those in the LGBTQ+ community and in the furry fandom. This is applicable to Australia and Canada, as you mentioned, but I don't really find myself able to stay peacefully there. Moving on to the organizations, I know that they are doing a great job, but the way they work/act seems to be insufficient to my desires. Plus, the effort they do seems to be weak compared to the Tunisian police system. And I'm not familiar with them because I feel scared of any possible inconvenince or getting caught. With the acceptance percentange and any efforts to end the Section 230 that discriminates against homosexuality, I feel like this might be the magnum opus of our efforts, at least in this period of time. You see, life goes in waves: There is a wave of positivity and a wave of negativity. When we want a change for the good, it can't happen all at once. There are times when we're progressing and others when we're getting brought back. With homosexuality in Tunisia, an 18% percentage of acceptance is promising but with how I witness parents teaching their kids about hating gays and the behaviour/internet users jokes that propagate their hate towards the LGBTQ+ community, I feel like--if there isn't a miracle, of course--that percentage will become lower and lower until the next generations stops the circle of homophobia for real, and the percentage goes higher and higher. That's what I think, though, so idk. I think it's just that Tunisia and the Arab world in general is built differently. Now, let's talk about the virtual world and how it is a good substitute to enjoy furry world. I'm poor (loudly crying emoji). A VR headset costs literally as much as my father's income in 6 months; we're barely living lol. I only rely on this old laptop and my potato Samsung phone. They barely work, but that's fine. I really want to experience the virtual world even though my father thinks it's only for kids (can't wait to see his reaction for furry porn there). Like, I can see that y'all are having fun there, good and nice people, dang I wished I could play it all day. I thought about working a part-time job, but I'm relying on a fund from the higher education ministry to help me with living as a college student. If they know that I work, they'll cut it off, and I'll no longer benefit from it. I thought about probably selling drawing commissions to probably get out, but, sadly, PayPal doesn't exist in Tunisia, or, to be precise, PayPal doesn't function well here. You can send money abroad, but you cannot take money from outside. It's a long story. It is related to a law that was approved in 1976 (you're probably younger than that lol). Anyways, that law states that the possession of any foreign currency that is considered as a hard currency is illegal in Tunisia, and if you have it, then you should change it to the Tunisian currency in the "Banque Tunisienne," the official public bank of the Tunisian government, otherwise you go to jail and the money gets "equipped " by them. That law helps with maintaining the least growth of inflation as possible, which is good compared to other African currencies, even Libya, but, like, come on. There were efforts to fix the law to make PayPal work as normal, but meh, it's Tunisia. Of course there won't be any solutions to this. Since you are more than welcome to hear other questions from me, I have other questions: You see, I engage with gay yiff media, and there is, like, some specific type that I really love. Like, I love men, all types: skinny ones, fat ones, buff ones etc.... But, I really love the old buff furry men with dad bods. It's not like it's a random thing, but I really really really love dad/son incest furry media, especially the porn, like, hot comics/mangas of old, huge, strong furry men with their adult sons. I imagine myself as their sons--dang, I really want my father to kiss me and f*ck me; not my real father, though, like, he's not my type lol, but it's just that I don't want him to be my lover because I feel like there are other men who would be more fine than my dad, or maybe I avoid real incest love, but still. You hear about furry dads? Asgore Dreemurr from Undertale? Mufasa from The Lion King? Bowser? Bandit Heeler? And other fathers that are niche from famous furry artists? I wanna be their loving son who can benefit from their builds and bodies, like, that makes me happy. Even your fursona, lol, nothing beats a caring old furry bear who sounds like a nice person. NGL, I would take a chance on you, hehe. Is that weird? Does it feel awkward? Is it so kinky a lot of people wouldn't like me? Would I find other old furry men in the fandom who would be more than happy to be in that love dynamic? I really hope I find a sound, good answer from you very very soon. :) * * * Dear Adem, Thank you for your interesting letter. I was frankly not surprised by what you related. I was hoping for better, but in my experience, countries with strong religious elements (Muslim, Catholic) are not openminded about sexuality and treat anyone who is different as someone to fear and/or hate. It is a problem with human societies that has been ongoing for thousands of years but got much worse with the rise of the Abrahamic faiths. Of course, Hindus and other faiths are uncomfortable with the LGBTQ community, too. Interestingly, it is the "pagan" and indigenous societies (considered "pagan" by many religious people) that tend to be much more accepting. For example, Native Americans are fine with it. I also believe aboriginal peoples in Australia and Southeast Asia are not afraid of us. I was not surprised either that you are unable to afford VR equipment. That was a longshot on my part, but I thought I would mention it. Many people struggle to afford such things, and this makes it hard for them to participate in online communities. Of course, you do not need VR goggles and such to participate in VRchat. You just need a good internet connection, but even that can be hard, yeah? And, yes, PayPal access for artists in places like the African continent can be problematic. I have a Nigerian friend with this problem. He is an artist like you and does commissions. So, what do we do? I send him money through an app called Word Remit (https://www.worldremit.com/en/tunisia). I checked, and yes, customers can send money in Tunisian dinars to you. So, you might wish to check that out. As for your attraction to daddy types, that is not an unusual thing in the gay community at all, including in the furry community (Oh, sidebar: I was born in 1965.) I am flattered by your flirtations. :) And I am a bit of a flirt, too, and am not in any way embarrassed. Anyway, yes, you would definitely find furry daddies in the fandom. I hope that answers your questions. I'm here, as always, if you have more. Bear Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
Hello! I have some homo[phobic] parents at home (I'm pan), and my parents also think furries are insane people who never take their suits off and act like wild animals. I make the masks even though they hate em'. My fursona is a pit bull named meteor. My dad yells when I wear black ("TAKE OFF THAT EMU SHIT'' and "TAKE OFF THOSE FREAK WERIDO CLOTHES"). My mom is homo[phobic], too. My mom said my dad will divorce and disown me and her if I am LGBTQ or a furry. I'm hoping you will help; both are narcissists. Thanks, Papabear :) Charlotte (age 13) * * * Hi, Charlotte, I am going to assume that when you say your parents are "homo parents" you mean homophobic, yes? First off, your parents can't disown you without a court of law approving them to do so, which is highly unlikely, so please do not worry about that. That is an idle threat your parents are making. Parents are legally obligated under the law to support you financially and physically until you are of legal age (18). If they don't, that is child abuse. If your parents are physically or emotionally abusing you, you can do something about that. Your first step would be to contact your local child protective services department. (Or--and this could be better--if you have a close relative such as a grandparent who is sympathetic to you, you could ask them for some support). You should only contact social services, though, if you really feel like you are in danger for your life or well-being, so please do not contact CPS just because your parents yell at you. But it does sound like your parents are being pretty awful to you, and I am sorry to hear that. Here are some words of advice I hope will help.
Another link I'd like to give you is called Moms of Furries. This page is run by two women whose children are furries. When they first found out about their kids' interest, they were kind of worried, but then they did a lot of research and discovered what fun being a furry is and how it can actually help people improve skills like creativity and socializing. They became so supportive of their furry kids that they started the Moms of Furries website to help parents and furries. Also, if you like, you can have them write directly to Papabear. I like getting questions from parents, and I wish I did more often. If you have any questions about the above, feel free to write to me again. Bear Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I bought an Adoption of a fursona (my current now) and spent a lot of money on it just to realize that it was copied from an existing suit and resold. Is my fursona worth anything anymore if it's a copy of an existing one? Even if I put so much soul in it (artworks, lore, merch...)? I feel cheated, especially after I liked my fursona so much. I don't know if it's going to be the same if I make a new fursona... I really love the fandom, but I don't feel like I'm really happy in it. It's why I became an artist! Do I continue with something I love even if it hurts my mental health after all that it caused? Anonymous (age 18) * * * Dear Furiend, I'm guessing that perhaps you didn't really understand what an adoptable is. To clarify, adoptables are when artists create a kind of template--line art, usually--that a customer can then customize with choices of colors and textures. This is a quick way for an artist to create commissions for multiple customers. They only have to draw one character and then simply colorize it according to what a customer wants. The advantage for the artists is speed; the advantage for customers is that adoptables are usually much cheaper than a completely unique piece of art. So, when you say you "spent a lot of money on it," I find that a little surprising because, again, usually adoptables are fairly inexpensive (usually around $10 US; if you paid much more than that, then yes, you got cheated). I'm sorry you didn't understand what an adoptable is, but the artist wasn't ripping you off. They told you it was an adoptable and assumed you knew what that meant. I'm not sure what you mean by "is my fursona worth anything?" If you mean money-wise; no, adoptables aren't worth much. If you mean to you personally, well, you said you loved it, yes? If you love it, what does it matter that it is an adoptable? Here's what I recommend: Take the idea of your fursona and make unique art for it. You say you are an artist. If so, why don't you draw your fursona yourself? That's kind of the part I don't get. If I could draw worth a damn, I would draw my own fursonas using my style and, in that way, make it totally unique to me. So, if the adoptable you paid for upsets you, toss it in the bin. You lost some money on it, sure, but consider it a lesson learned and move on. The author didn't cheat you, so please don't think that, unless they charged you more than $20. There's no reason this should hurt your mental health. You just made a mistake based on a lack of understanding of that particular area of furry commissions. I would encourage you to pursue your own art or, if you like to explore furry arts, find some artists whose styles you like and commission an OC--original character. Don't let this cause you any grief or upset. It's not worth it. Now that you know, you can continue to explore the furry art scene more knowledgeably. Hope that helps! Bear Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I know you wouldn't ask for the story of my life before you see my question, but I want to tell you the reason why I am here right now feeling sad on my bed, trying not to sob, and I haven't revised anything for my test tomorrow at college. OK, so I was like that kid who was considered, ahem ahem, "gifted," and I was taking excellent marks, and of course those excellent marks were brought about by staying at home and doing nothing but studying, so I didn't meet anyone outside and didn't have Friends. At the age of 13, I thought to myself: "Should I really get married, or, have a relationship with a girl?" So, I was going in the route of realizing that I might be ace (mind you, I didn't hear about the LGBT community yet). But then one day everything changed. It was 2021, and I was 15 on YouTube watching those animated stories like Jaiden Animations and such. And then one YouTube recommendation came in. It was like an edit, but for a furry bara character. I don't remember who it was. But then I went to the channel, found some videos of the same thing, and then I went to the community posts section. And one of those posts had a Pornhub link. And here we are, a 15-year-old boy from Tunisia, at 2 am, watching videos on Pornhub about characters from Tokyo Afterschool Summoners f*cking each other. And that's how I knew about both the gay and the furry communities; and then I started searching more things about it on YouTube and Google Chrome, from videos, to drawings, to comics, with the latter being the reason on why I am very good at English compared to my other classmates. I was addicted to gay yiff comics so much; I must have read thousands of them. And then the content on YouTube changed to furries and the LGBTQ community, and those niche games surrounding about it. And here we are. It is so weird how I literally went directly into watching gay furry porn. Not even straight or even gay porn. Like, literally, gay yiff. That's like skipping the tutorial, the cut scenes, and all the missions, and directly going to the final boss. OK, I know that I am totally very thrilled to ask someone sane enough to comprehend my situation because, basically, I really hate how my life is looking like right now. First thing first: I need to say that I am a gay furry (hehe--who knew) who lives in a place that is, well, to not say a lot of bad things, I'll just mention about how it's hard to be gay here. I have never come out, and I say that literally with how I'm witnessing people here reacting to coming-outs and shaming the people who are queer in this community, let alone my religious family. Then what would happen if I told them that I'm a furry? Also, my place here has nothing like the western world: there are furcons, furmeets, fursuits, basically anything in which someone new who joins the fandom can have the opportunity to explore and discover themself. Meanwhile, since this country is like a desert, there are neither furcons, nor furmeets, nor furries (for now), nor anything totally. I hate being that person, but I am jealous with the situation there in America. I hate the way I am feeling with myself and how I question myself if my current identity is really who I am. I don't know if staying closeted sounds healthy to me. I would be totally happy if I could immigrate from here to somewhere else (in a sensible and reasonable way; I don't want to find myself struggling to swim in the middle of the ocean because my boat got drowned), so I can be who I really am. I hate looking at videos of people having fun while I'm sitting here helpless with no experience in kissing men at all. I have a friend online whom I consider my best friend, and when I asked him for advice, he told me that you can see what the internet says. But I wasn't sure, to be honest. And another guy suggested using ChatGPT, since it saves a lot of time and work, and for me I wouldn't even touch that thing since it can say some wrong things, adding to the fact that it is unethical right now to use that tool. And now, while I was searching about a website that shows me locations of furries all over the world, I found your website, and I am very glad to find such a nice, intelligent, sane person is on the internet whom I can vent to and ask politely to give me some advice from his experience as a greymuzzle. So please, for the love of Anubis, what would you do if you were my place in order to find my people and my happiness? Sincerely, Adem (age 20, Tunisia) * * * Dear Adem, Being a citizen of any Muslim country is difficult if you are LGBTQ or furry or pretty much anything that is not conforming to Muslim society standards, as you know. When it comes to Arab countries, Tunisia is, surprisingly, ranked as one of the more "liberal" in terms of the law, along with Lebanon and Jordan. If it weren't for the fact that Lebanon is being bombed by Israel right now, I might recommend you move there as that country is quite relaxed on social laws, relatively speaking. But, since you speak English, you have other opportunities. One excellent choice might be Canada, for example. Or perhaps Australia. I'm not sure how possible it is for you to migrate, but I can say for certain that if you remain in Tunisia you will have to stay in the closet. If you don't, you will just be in for a lot of grief ranging from family disapproval all the way up to possible arrest and imprisonment. So, please do not come out to people in your native land. I know that stinks, but it is the sad reality. One thing I can do, though, is point you to some help. It is very difficult to be facing your situation all alone, but there are two organizations in Tunisia that you can contact to get some support: Association Shams advocates for sexual minority rights in Tunisia and can be contacted on Instagram at @shamsassociation; the other is called Mawjoudin and is also an advocacy group for LGBTQ people in Tunisia. There is a little good news in Tunisia when it comes to your rights in that there is a growing political movement to repeal Article 230, the provision in Tunisian law that makes homosexuality illegal. Surveys in your country also show that 18% of the people support decriminalizing homosexuality. It's a start, but it will take a long time to grow that minority into a majority, and you might not wish to wait. Or, perhaps, you might wish to help and maybe join one of the organizations I mentioned above. As for the furry community, you are pretty much out of luck there. There are no furry groups, meets, or conventions in Tunisia (indeed, the only one in the entire continent is in distant South Africa), so if you wish to ever have that experience, you'll need to go to Europe. Meanwhile, you're stuck with what is on the internet. Fortunately, you have internet! So, that helps! Increasingly, furries are holding furcons in the virtual world. The biggest of these is called Furality. If you enjoy virtual reality and have the computer power to participate, I would highly recommend it for you as the most viable option for the time being. Other online experiences include VRchat and SecondLife, both of which have thriving furry communities where you can make lots of furry friends (VRchat has become more popular than the older SecondLife, FYI). I'm sorry I don't have better news for you, but I hope this helps some. Do not feel guilty for being who you are. You are not a bad person for being gay or for being a furry. The problem is with intolerant societies that can't accept people who do not conform. But, as I said, because you live in one such strict society, I strongly recommend not coming out to anyone in your family, at work, or Tunisian society in general. You will need to remain online, at least until you are either able to emigrate to a more tolerant country or Tunisia itself changes dramatically. Thank you for writing. I wish you luck, and if you have other questions, feel free to write again. Bear Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
Hi. It's a pleasure to meet you. I have a question since I'm bisexual, and ... the Bible says being with the same sex is bad. And I'm also poly with a bunch of boyfriends. If I repent, how do I break up with them? Only because I feel guilty with the same sex, which I'm trying my best not to fall into that again. If you could help me that would be great. I just don't want to hurt anyone. Thanks for reading this and still it's a pleasure to meet you, Papabear. Rock (age 24) * * * Dear Rock, You have no need to repent or to break up with anyone you don't want to break up with. You have done nothing wrong in God's eyes. There are many rules in the Bible--a book written by human beings, by the way--that are there to enforce social order and to encourage a stable society that can be controlled. Period. For example, there are many rules about what foods you can and can't eat (rules you probably violate because they are in the Old Testament and followed more by Orthodox and Conservative Jews these days than they are by Christians). For example, rules about eating pork found in Leviticus 11:7-8 and Deuteronomy 14:8 are there because back when these passages were written it was more dangerous to eat pork because it could make you sick. It was also prohibited to cook meat and milk together (Exodus 23:19 and 34:26, Deuteronomy 14:21) for similar reasons. The writers of the Bible put such rules in and say they are the commandments from God because, let's face it, it was a lot easier to make people obey dietary rules for their health by saying "God tells you to do it that way" than to explain how it might make you sick and that your leaders are the ones telling you to eat in certain ways. The same is true for any rules about sex in the Bible. In the Old Testament, it should be noted, King David had at least eight wives and many many concubines. King Solomon had a thousand wives and concubines. Do you think they are burning in Hell now? Probably not, although supposedly this is why God eventually divided Solomon's kingdom. David wasn't really punished for his eight wives per se, but he was mostly punished for fooling around with Bathsheba. Despite this, David and Solomon are considered Israel's greatest kings in history, and the Christians make it very clear that it is important to note that Jesus is a descendant of David in order to preserve the idea of a royal Jewish lineage. Anyway, it's fair to say that in the Old Testament they were a bit more lax with the whole monogamy thing, and nobody seemed to mind concubines at all LOL. No, the real reason heterosexual, monogamous marriages are stressed are to create stable families for the sake of society. In this concise article from Psychology Today, psychologist Arash Emamzadeh explains the theories as to why religions such as Christianity stress rules enforcing monogamy. These include:
There is actually a lot to be said for the above. We have seen in modern society how increased promiscuity, the decline of the institution of marriage, and the destabilization of the traditional family have caused such problems as children living in one-parent homes and suffering increased financial hardships, psychological problems such as depression and anxiety, struggles in education, and even increased crime, drug use, and alcoholism. In short, Christians will tell you that being LGBTQ or poly or anything that is not hetero and monogamous is a "sin" (whether they do so consciously or subconsciously) because they are trying to control your behavior and they feel the only way to do this is to scare you and to make you feel like a bad person. It's a strategy that works, but it is also a strategy that causes a lot of trauma in people, including self-hatred and despair. What I'm trying to explain, Rock, is that you are being made to feel guilty not because you are a bad person but because you are part of a society that is trying to control you for the benefit of the social order, and not because God will see you as a sinner (although according to Christians we are all sinners, so not sure why it matters). I'm not saying don't be a Christian or don't be poly or don't be gay. You don't actually have to make a choice. There are many LGBTQ Christians out there. And there are also Christian Furry groups such as the Christian Furry Fellowship. I suggest you look into these churches and organizations to increase your chances of finding people of faith who will love and appreciate you for you. You are fine just the way you are, Rock. And you are loved. Blessed Be, Papabear |
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An excellent article on coming out LGBT to Christian parents.
A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.
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