Write to Papabear

"Christianized" Furry Characters

9/14/2020

Dear Papabear,

I've been thinking about whether or not I should fatten up any furry characters who aren't Christians. You see, most of my fat comics and skinny pictures have portrayed Christian birds and other animals, and I'd like to know this: Is it a good idea, or should I just stick to my Christianized characters?

Signed,
Penguin Dareangel12

(P.S. I believe that fattening up humans - which I've NEVER done - disgraces God's image since He created human beings in his likeness; however, I know that fattening up animals is perfectly fine since they're NOT created in His image. Isn't that cool?)

* * *

Dear Penguin,

Well, I'm sorry to inform you that that is utter nonsense. "Created in God's image" has nothing to do with your body. What is meant by that is that human beings possess souls; God is Spirit, and this spirit imbues our essence. It has nothing to do with your body. God doesn't look like a Homo sapiens. God is beyond mere physicality. God does not have a gender or legs or eyes or a mouth or hands or anything like that. Christian portrayals of God as an old man on a throne are mere anthropomorphic interpretations of the Great Spirit. Therefore, in your art, portraying Christians or non-Christians as overweight is not an insult to God because it is completely unrelated to God.

I'm surprised you didn't know that. But there it is. I think if you talked to any modern priest or minister they would agree on this point. That said, I am not a Christian and have different ideas about the spiritual, but that is a longer letter....

Hugs,

Papabear

Be Sympathetic to Parents' Confusion as You Explore Your Sexual/Gender Identity

9/14/2020

Dear Papabear,

Since I was about 7 years old, I've felt like I wasn't a girl. When I tried talking to my dad about it, he told me not to listen to how I feel. At first, I thought I wanted to be a boy, but 3 years ago I discovered the term non-binary and only came out about a month ago. I only told my mom and best friend, and while my best friend has been super supportive, my mom seems a bit uncomfortable. I told her she could continue to call me "she" and her "daughter" to make her more comfortable, but it doesn't feel right. I want her to call me "they," but I don't want her to feel weird. Me and her have always loved drag queens, and she has always told me if I ever turned out to be gay she would be supportive, so it confuses me a bit to know she's uncomfortable with me being non-binary. Do you have any idea why she might feel this way and what I could do to make her feel better?

Hugs,
Hijinkx the Cataroo (13)

* * *

Dear Hijinkx,

First of all, your father's advice to not listen to how you feel is absolutely THE WORST advice he could possibly give you. So, do not listen to him on this point. As for your mother, at least she is trying to be sympathetic to you. I think she is uncomfortable about the non-binary term because she doesn't really understand what that is. She can comprehend homosexuality, but, let's face it, lately, there has been a lot of research and terms being flung around by the scientific and LGBTQI+ community that can be very confusing to most people. This page https://www.healthline.com/health/different-types-of-sexuality lists 46 terms that describe sexuality, gender, and orientation, for example, and there are actually even more than that.

What's going on here is that science, in recognizing that human sexuality and gender are very complex, is attempting to define all the various possibilities. Many people find this helpful because there is a sense of relief when one feels that one's personal feelings have been validated scientifically. But for those who are just plain-old heterosexual, white bread, and socially "normal," it can muddle the issue more than it clarifies it. I mean, throw around terms like cisgender, skoliosexual, demisexual, etc., and you are gonna get a blank stare. So many definitions can give one a headache and make one just want to tune it all out.

But just as this terminology can take some time and study to comprehend, so is your own sexuality coming into definition. At 13, you are still undergoing many changes, and you are still figuring things out. You are making a lot of progress and you definitely have resolved the fact that you don't feel like a girl even though that is what you are genetically. But now you are working toward what exactly that means and what variations of that apply to you, as well as how are you going to deal with it. This is an extremely personal voyage that only you can travel, although it helps when you have support from family and friends, people who can hold your hand.

What I am saying is this: Do not rush too quickly into defining yourself. You are only 13, and you are going to be developing physically, mentally, and emotionally for years to come still. And, just as you should not push yourself to the finish line too quickly (the finish line will just move farther ahead anyway), you should not push your parents too hard, either. Do not insist on them using the "they" pronoun yet. To them, you are their daughter, and that is a lot of responsibility in and of itself. Let them call you by whatever they are comfortable with. It is not an important issue right now. What is important is that you continue to explore your own feelings (and ignore parents who say ignore your feelings). This is not to say don't talk to your parents! TALK to them. But don't insist on anything. Just be honest about how you feel and don't put a label on it. Labels can be limiting anyway. If your mother can deal with this best by just thinking of you as being gay, then let her for now, even if she is not being accurate. If your father can't grasp your complex identity just yet, then let him just think of you as his daughter.

While this is all very much about you, it is also about your parents and their feelings. Try to be as sympathetic to what they are going through as you would like them to be about what you are going through. Do you understand? This is a process that will take many years. Do not expect instant results or instant sympathy and understanding. Take your time and be patient with them. And count yourself lucky that at least your parents are there for you, even though they are struggling to understand you.

And remember: we are more than just our sexuality and gender. We are complex beings of mind, spirit, and body. Your sexuality and gender are just one aspect of a complex human being--do not neglect the other aspects of yourself while you evolve as a person, and do not keep your parents from appreciating those other aspects as they strive to raise their child. Let them into your life without being insistent on what is just one part of you. Don't hide it, but don't bludgeon them with it, if you get my drift.

Let me know if you have any further questions.

Big Bear Hugs,
Papabear

Some Tips on Moving to Another State

9/10/2020

Dear Papa Bear,

I'm writing to you because you've helped me out multiple times while I was a teenager, and it just felt nice to come to you for advice once more as an adult! So for that, let's start this off with a thank you.

So, the TLDR of my situation is that my parents divorced. Dad retired from the army, kicked me out. My mom helped me move to California, where I had a lot more job opportunities. Mom is moving back with her bf in January, and I'm planning on leaving California. They (half) joke about you needing to make $30/h or higher to live here on your own haha. It's just a bit too expensive for my taste.

So when January comes, I'm hoping to go to Kansas, but I'm unsure, actually. It'll be my first time on my own. I was always planning on moving out but so many things in life kept happening that my plans kept suddenly changing.

When it comes to that time, do you have any advice on moving out on your own? How much money should I have saved up? What things should I do to make sure it goes smoothly? Advice on getting an apartment for the first time?

Sorry that this is a big question. It's been weighing on my mind a lot lately.

Anonrat

* * *

Dear Anonrat,

Welcome back. It's weird, this column has been going on for about 8 years now and, yes, some original letter writers who were teens back then are now adults. How fast you grow up!

Depending where you live in California, you need to make more or less money. For example, it's much cheaper to live in the Central Valley than in a coastal city, but I get what you're saying.

Moving across the country is a really complicated and involved process, and I could write a book on just how to do that. Really, too much to say for this little column of mine. But I can give you a few pointers:

Have a job in your new location BEFORE you move; otherwise, it could be an expensive disaster in which you spend a lot of time and money and end up moving back to where you started. This is critical. Don't just up and move without a plan. If you need to, find a temporary place to stay while you job hunt.
How much money should you save? As much as you possibly can. There are too many factors to say. If you can save up a lot of money--enough to cover expenses while you job hunt--then good for you. If you already have a job waiting for you, then all you will need is enough to cover travel expenses and, say, at least two-months' rent and deposit money.
Finding an apartment: it helps if you know people out there who have an apartment and then you can ask them if they like where they are living. I didn't know anyone out here in the valley before I moved and ended up in a shitty apartment. Fortunately, I only lived there a year before getting a house. Barring personal contacts, try a ratings site such as https://www.apartmentratings.com/ks/ to help you gauge which places are run well and in your price range.
When moving, try to move as few things as possible. Moving trucks and companies for cross-country are pricey, so if you don't have a lot of furniture etc., try to pack everything in your car and go. If you have some old furniture and stuff, I would advise selling it and buying new when you arrive. If you have too much stuff to fit in your car, consider boxing some of it up and mailing it to your destination.
Get to know where you are going--in your case, Kansas. Here is a helpful guide https://www.greatguyslongdistancemovers.com/moving-to/kansas/

Hope this helps. Good luck!

Papabear

Moving for College Can Put a Crimp in Social Life

8/31/2020

Dear Papa Bear,

Ever since I started school, I always focused on the work more then anything. I always wanted to make my parents proud for all that they ever gave me. I didn’t even have that many good friends until high school, when I finally met a group. I was happy, but for college I decided to follow a full ride scholarship to a university states away. I thought it would be an easy adaptation and I would get many friends and good experiences here. But even without COVID-19, things have been rough.

With my experience here so far, I’ve struggled to make any friends in anything I thought I’d be remotely interested in, with me even joining a furry club. I haven’t felt a connection even close to the one I had with my friends back home, and at times even feel unwanted. While I can call my friends, I feel much more alienated to them the before, especially with me being the only one to go out of state for college. This feeling is starting to affect my drive for my grades, which is possibly a disaster, since I need to maintain a 3.5 to even keep my scholarship. Do you have any advice for not feeling so lonely when you’re having a really difficult time making connections?

Drew (age 20; live in Lincoln, NE for school; San Antonio, TX and Atlanta, GA for family)

* * *

Dear Drew,

Different states, cities, countries have different cultures. One might think there would not be a big difference, culturally between Texas and Nebraska, but it kinda depends on the part of Texas. Now, you are from San Antonio, which is a pretty happening city. You also mention Atlanta, Georgia, which is very different as well. Nebraska is very rural, for the most part. Now, if you were from the Texas panhandle, for example, you might have a closer cultural tie to Nebraska. Lincoln, Nebraska, is very much a "college town," which also has a different feel from, say, a big city like Atlanta.

So, a guess I have is that there is a bit of a cultural difference going on here that might be interfering a bit with your efforts to make friends. Also, just in general, it can be a challenge to make new friends in a new town compared to a place in which you grew up. One suggestion would be to see if you could find some fellow students who are from San Antonio or Georgia. Might be a bit easier to connect.

While having a healthy social life is important, the main reason you are in Lincoln is for school--and congrats on your scholarship, by the way. I'm also guessing that, once you complete your degree, you're not going to stay in Lincoln. I could be wrong, of course. But even if you do stay where you are now, your peers will change once you get a job. You will be switching from college buddies to coworkers, and by then (4 or more years from now) you may have adjusted more to being a Nebraskan.

Big adjustments such as the one you're making take time to acclimate to. I remember my first year of college being rather lonely, but it got better in my sophomore year. Now, you're 20, so have you been in college a couple years? Or did you get a late start? If the former, you can tough it out for another year or two and then you will likely move when you find a job; if the latter, give yourself some time. Such big changes take a while to settle into.

Hugs,
Papabear

Being Furry Can Help Alleviate Social Anxiety

8/13/2020

Dear Papa Bear,

How can I convince my mom to let me make a mini partial fursuit? I told my mom I was a furry through text (I have social anxiety so it was too hard to say it aloud) and I told her I really wanted to make a “furry costume”. She wouldn’t let me do it and she said I shouldn’t be looking up furry stuff. I know there is inappropriate stuff but I don’t look at it. She always complains that I’m lazy so she should be happy I want to put effort into something. I wanna explain to her that it’s not inappropriate but I don’t have enough confidence bc of social anxiety. Being able to make my own fursuit would make me the happiest.

~Erin

* * *

Dear Erin,

The internet can be a wonderful thing, but when it comes to the fandom, it can prejudice parents against letting their kids explore the fandom. This is a shame, because not only is the fandom fun, it can have many benefits as well. Helping people like you who suffer from social anxiety is one of these benefits. If instead of going on the internet to look for furporn your mother searched on "social anxiety and furry fandom" she would find articles and videos about how many young people have treated their anxiety by being furry and enjoying its community. It also helps people suffering from various degrees of autism spectrum disorder.

Here are just a couple articles and videos you can show your mother:

I would also suggest your mother visit the Moms of Furries website at https://mofurries.com/. These two mothers were, like yours, nervous about their kids participating in the fandom, but they gave it a try and found it had a lot of benefits for helping them get out of their shells and socialize in healthy ways.

Being a furry has lots of benefits. Point these out to your mom and tell her she should avoid jumping to conclusions because of furporn. Porn is all over the web, not just furry sites, but that is not what you--indeed, most furries--are about.

Hope this helps. Good luck!

Papabear

Looking for Clean, Christian, Fat Furry Art Can Limit Your Options

8/12/2020

Dear Papa Bear,

For years, my FurAffinity account has been posting both normal art and art of extremely fat, but clean, versions of cartoon birds with big bellies and behinds . . . and I'm a Christian, so I put a lot of Biblical references in my art. Here's my question: How come only a few FA artists--like myself--endorse Christianity for fatties, but everyone else posts crude, secular art? I do have some great nonreligious friends, but I still wanna' know.

Signed,
Robert Keown

P.S. I do love furries, but I don't dress up like them because I don't have the money to do so.)

* * *

Dear Penguin,

While there are Christian furries, the majority of furries are not Christians; while there are furries who are into fat furs, they are also in the minority. So, think of a Venn diagram with three circles: one contains Christian furries, one contains fat furries, and a third contains furries only into clean art. When you merge these options together, the ones who are Christian furries into clean, fat fur art are pretty small.

The reason there are not many like you in terms of what you enjoy is because you have a very specific taste that does not relate to a large subgroup.

Hope that answers your question.

Papabear

Is Furporn Good or Bad?

8/2/2020

Hey Papa Bear,

I would like to hear your opinion on what you think about furry porn. …But that question alone is only worth maybe a “it’s good” or “it’s bad” answer, so… The true question is, what do you think of the whole scope about furry porn, and how it affects artists, members of the fandom, etc etc.

To give you more to work with, ever since I was a wee little chap watching TV with my lower lip quivering, and my eyes gleamed when I saw Flamedramon for the first time, I knew what I was in for. That said… The porn is good and all, but I’m always very sad to see how it affects the fandom. This mix of popularity and sexuality seem to entice many people, artists and commissioners alike, into very deplorable habits of flaunting for instant gratification, of filling their galleries to the brim with art of very varied levels of quality involving their sonas into every possible existing sexual scenario on this planet, just for the sake of… Attention, right? Well, money too, in case of the artists. Is that really worth it in the long-term?

It always bums me out that this sexy animal guy I’m jerking off to is almost surely a total douchebag if I met him in person, which… From my own experience, is very often true (But I admit that that’s on ME because I’m a very judgmental idiot and I also have impossibly high standards for everything. I’m sure someone out there could get to know one of those people and find their life-long partner, and that’s perfectly okay.) Still, there are also exceptions. I’ve seen some artists who draw porn but they don’t let their egos get mixed up in it (as much), and I respect those way more because they’re just more human to me. And I’m glad because otherwise that would’ve probably made me a total hypocrite, grabbing my dick with one hand and pointing and judging people with the other…

... Anyway, now that I made my point of view awfully, almost tangibly clear, I would like to hear yours. Hopefully it’s different from mine because I’d like to learn something new from this.

I await curiously for your reply.

~Uncle Tuper

* * *

Dear Uncle Tuper,

Sex and the fandom is a huge topic, and it is one I discuss in my book. It is difficult in a column to cover all the bases, but here's the gist of my take on furporn: Mundanes focus on this aspect on the fandom because they themselves do not have healthy attitudes about sex or they are incredibly inhibited about it (religious and other societal pressures cause this). They are uncomfortable with the idea of a fantasy-related fandom, and so, in seeking a way to reject it because it is "not normal," they zero in on what they feel is its unsavory aspect (furporn), and stereotype furries as sex addicts and zoophiles in order to reject and shame them.

Why, then, do furries get into the porn aspect? There are a lot of reasons, and none of them have to do with zoophilia. Furporn is just one form of many types of sexual fantasies that people have. You can go on the Internet and find all kinds of fantasy porn out there, some of it is much more strange than anthro sex. Okay, so, why specifically fantasies about anthros? Gosh, there is a laundry list. For one thing, various anatomical features of animals could turn people on, such as the soft fur of a feline or the genital girth of a horse or the fact that an elephant can play with you with its trunk. There are also fantasies such as vore, which has to do with the submission fantasy or even the fantasy of the return to the womb (very Freudian). There is, too, the animalistic nature of it all--wild and passionate sex without inhibition. Also, assuming a fursona in sexual roleplay is a form of self-defense against sexual shame ("It isn't ME doing this, it's my fursona.") Why so much furporn out there? Why do so many people commission artists to draw porn? Well, one reason might be that the fandom demographics skew toward the young range, and, let's face it, young people have "raging hormones" and tend to be horny. Hence, porn. If it weren't furporn, it would be something else X-rated (Star Wars porn, cartoon porn, whatev).

I have no problem with furporn (in fact, I'm a fan LOL). It is not inherently "bad" or "good." Sexual fantasies are only "bad" if they become addictions (i.e., you become so obsessed with porn that it interferes with your daily functions in the world) or if they become violent or hurtful to others in any way (i.e., acting out fantasies for any kind of non-consensual sex). Outside of these two conditions, furporn and sexual fantasies about furries can actually be a healthy and normal thing. Sexual fantasies can assist people in exploring their sexual identities, likes and dislikes, and add a bit of zing to a relationship you might already be in.

What mundanes need to get over is focusing on this one aspect of the fandom. The furry fandom offers a lot more than just some X-rated art. If you focus only on porn, you are missing out on a lot.

So, when it comes to you, personally, I would suggest you explore a bit further what exactly you like about Flamedramon, and this can teach you a bit about yourself. As for online relationships, you should always be cautious about these and make sure you don't let in a predator or other jerk. Such people eventually make themselves known, so you will figure out whether "sexy animal guy" is a jerk or not. If he is, dump him and move on. There are lots of furries out there who are very cool people.

Don't beat yourself up for having sexual feelings or that these feelings range into the world of fantasy. There is nothing wrong with you. Just remember to be kind to other people and avoid trolls along the way.

Hope that eases your mind.

Hugs,
Papabear

Do I Believe in God?

7/30/2020

Hey, PB.

I like to keep things succinct. Do you believe in god? I'm not really sure what to assume, because I feel like a few of your views don't align with "traditional" church values.

Not that that's a bad thing. I like progressive. One of my mom's friends is a veteran of the gay right's movements from the 70's. He would take us out to these fancy dinners and tell stories with his partner about how absolutely dogshit they had it. Genuinely, just miserable.

So, I'm sure things in the current are better for those a little more fey, but god is still something I think about. I'm not really sure what I like. I haven't had much experience, but I think I'm open to the idea. God just sort of peeks his head in to break up my thoughts.

I'm not very religious in general, so it's actually not too big of an issue. I was just curious your thoughts. If you are religious, how do you reconcile your personal feelings with your spiritual beliefs? Are there religions that allow such things?

I could just use some guidance. Thanks in advance.

Yours,
Sam

* * *

Dear Sam,

"Is there a God?" is the biggest philosophical question ever, isn't it? Do I personally believe in God? Depends on what you mean by "God." The idea of a guy in robes and a flowing, white beard sitting on a heavenly throne and surrounded by angels and cherubs etc. is definitely not something I subscribe to. Nor do I follow any of the Big Three religions: Christianity, Judaism, or Islam. Religions are human constructs designed to keep the masses in line and a small number of priestly class people in power. That is all. Religion is a horrible thing that has caused more death and destruction in human history than just about anything else. And I find that those who feel they must have a religion to follow often do so because they lack the imagination to seek their own truth about their place in the universe. It's easier to follow blindly than to think independently. (I might lose some readers with these statements, but anyone who follows my column already knows my views, and I would never pretend otherwise to get more subscribers). Most people follow a certain religion because they were raised with it, although there are some who convert to a religion that they find suits their personal philosophy better (I have respect for that because at least it shows they are thinking).

This said, I do believe there is more to the world than is dreamt of in our philosophy. The more science learns, the more amazing our universe becomes, and I do not believe that the universe just happened at random. It is far too complex and mind-boggling to have arisen by chance (a billion monkeys typing on a billion typewriters will never produce the works of Shakespeare). No, there is something going on behind the curtain of the perceivable universe that we do not comprehend. Bits of it are starting to peek out behind the veil as we explore the quantum world. More and more it becomes apparent that the matter and energy we sense around us is not the ultimate reality. Indeed, scientific experiments prove that our observations of the universe actually affect reality. It is my fondest hope that, after we die, we might be made party to what that reality truly is.

In the meantime, we are stuck fumbling about in this world, trying to put together a jigsaw puzzle made of a trillion pieces without a photo on the box. The angst of the human condition arises because we are cognizant of our mortality yet kept in the dark about whether or not we have an ultimate reason for existing. It can make you nuts if you think on it too long, which, honestly, is why many people turned to established religions. Kind of a vacation for the brain.

The ultimate truth is beyond our reach. However, you can rely on certain guiding principles in life that will give you comfort, give you purpose, and give you guidance.

Be good to other people
Be good to yourself
Be good to the world around you, including its plants, animals, and even those things we consider "inanimate" (e.g., i.e., keep the water and air and earth clean)

If "religious" people would live by these three simple rules, we would not have religious wars; we would not have religious people hurting others because they are gay or don't believe a certain way. And if we, personally, follow these guidelines, then even if there is no God or afterlife, we will have lived a life of value.

Are there religions that allow you to explore these things, you ask? Well, one path you might try is Buddhism, which is a philosophy that people mistake for religion. You can also check into a Unitarian Universalist church. These people are very open to their members searching for personal truth while also exploring your spiritual side. Finally, you might consider Wicca or various "pagan" beliefs that are more Nature-oriented. Any of these could serve you well, or a combination of two or all of them.

Whether or not the above answers your questions, continue to seek your personal truth throughout your life. Keep yourself open to new ideas and possibilities. And remember what Kurt Vonnegut said:

Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you've got a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies--"God damn it, you've got to be kind.”

Bear Hugs,
Papabear

Where Should Artists Post Their Art? Everywhere!

7/18/2020

Papabear,

As a furry artist, I’m currently taking commissions and I submitted a price list in a furry discord server, how long should I wait until I get a commission offer? Should I also post in other social media’s instead to gather the attention of others? Thanks.

~Silver

* * *

Dear Silver,

As an artist looking for commission work, you should post your availability on every furry (and nonfurry) site possible, not just Discord. You should be posting on FurBuy, Inkbunny, FurAffinity, SoFurry, Furry4Life, Furrific, FurrTrax, DeviantArt, Weasyl, VCL, Furry Amino, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Etsy, Tumblr, and anything else you can find.

I, personally, feel that all artists should also maintain a website so that they can direct people to a site where you can display and sell your art to the best effect. Make your art omnipresent so that you get noticed. Some of these sites allow you to sell your art while others just allow you to display it; either way, direct them to your website. Make sure you have samples of your art available for people to check out.

How long should you wait for a commission? Until what, you give up? If you give up, you will never sell your art. So, wait for as long as it takes.

Hugs,
Papabear

Can One's Personality Abruptly and Radically Change?

7/8/2020

Papabear,

Is it possible for someone to change so suddenly from being a nice, kind and gentle person to being a degenerate piece of shite? Could something like that happen to me? The thought scares me. I know I shouldn't think about it. But my OCD keeps shoving it into my face. I don't want to be a bad person. I don't want to hurt people. I care about my friends and family. I love them. I never want to hurt them. These thoughts are making me break down because I know these thoughts aren't me. I'm just so afraid.

Maxi

* * *

Dear Maxi,

Obsessive-compulsive disorder will, indeed, make you obsess about things that upset you, by definition. Is it possible for someone's personality to change abruptly? Sure, but I see no reason why that would happen to you. People's personalities can change abruptly due to trauma or a medical condition. For example, a brain injury, stroke, or Alzheimer's can do this. Also, tragedy in one's life can change someone a lot (as I know from personal experience), such as the sudden loss of a spouse or child, suffering through combat in the military, or surviving a natural disaster.

But people usually don't change for no reason. You're not going to go walking down the street one day and suddenly turn into a douchebag.

I'm guessing your fear that you will suddenly hurt the people you love stems from your OCD. Therefore, the best solution for you is to work on your condition through therapy and/or medication. I certainly hope you are getting treatment, but, if you aren't, I would highly recommend you do.

In the meantime, I'm confident you will remain a sweet, caring person.

Bear Hugs,
Papabear

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An excellent article on coming out LGBT to Christian parents.

My Rainbow Ark is a site for and about LGBT furries and religion and how they are not incompatible.

A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.

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