Trans Teen Needs Advice on Coming Out

Hi Papapbear,

You may remember me from 2 or so e-mails I gave you when I was a pre-teen. I'm now 16. Crazy how time flies. Anyway, let me get the point. So, I'm not only still in the furry fandom but I am also now a FTM trans man. I tried coming out when I was 13, but my parents said I was too young to know, which makes sense at first, but I was already feeling as such ever since I was 10 and, in fact, wrote about it in a diary message.

It doesn't stop there. Then, my dad reads my whole message history with a friend of mine and gets mad at me because I told my friend first. I have now re-read those letters I sent you as a pre-teen and, to be honest, I should've remembered those letters as a warning sign, but oh well. Anyway, to the good news: Technically, he said if I came out again at 16 he'd believe it. I am now of age, so I am going to try to come out in the next few months. How should I tell them so they take it seriously?

Sincerely,

GlaDOS The Wolf (age 16)

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Dear GlaDOS,

As soon as I saw that name, I remembered you (which means you picked a memorable name, eh wot?) Back 4-5 years ago, you were concerned about your furriness and going to Fangcon, and you noted your mother was struggling with being bipolar. Did you ever go to Fangcon? How is your mother doing?

Having one's child come out as gay, bi, or trans can be very difficult for parents, who will always see you as "their little girl." It's a tough adjustment, so be patient with them. Also, your father is not far off when he insists you wait a bit before deciding on something like this. Did you know that the human brain is not fully mature for women until around age 22, and for men around age 25? The ages from 13 or so until your early 20s are transitional (no pun intended), and the thing you must do is to be patient with yourself. Don't make rash decisions. You know, many times, a person who believes they are trans is actually simply gay (these days, I guess it's considered not all that fire to just be gay). Other times, a person who feels they are gay might actually be trans. Or, sometimes, a person who is unsure of themselves might be bi or ace. Some people confuse the difference between feeling you are the wrong gender (social pressures) and feeling you are in the wrong physical body (trans). 

Your parents already know you are questioning, so this won't come as a shocker. Instead of doing a "hard" coming out, may I suggest you simply have an open chat with them. Don't act like anything is decided, just tell them, openly and honestly, that you are exploring who you are. This doesn't mean, of course, that you are going out and sleeping with people to decide what you like and don't like. (A lot of parents jump to the conclusion during a sex talk like this that you are saying you are gay or trans or whatever because you have a secret lover you are bumping junk with.) You might say, though, that you don't think you are truly female or that you feel you might be gay or trans but hetero (that is, F2M and attracted to women). Sexual and gender identity are complicated and very personal experiences. Ease your parents into the idea that you are examining your feelings. Be non-confrontational. Don't make demands. Request only that you have an open and honest dialogue about your feelings and make sure that you reassure them that you love them and that, whatever you come to decide, you are still their child and will always want them in your life.

It is also important to remember this: You are more than your gender and sex. These things are just two aspects of your full personality and identity. Don't obsess about them. Let them flow organically. Allow me to use myself as an example. I don't introduce myself as Kevin Hile, Gay Man. Yes, I'm gay and don't hide it. But I'm also a furry, a columnist, an author, an editor, a publisher, a husband, a friend, a mentor, a brother, a nature lover, an amateur philosopher, a spiritual seeker, a lover of chocolate, a bear, a doodler in art and piano, an animal lover, a person fascinated by the sciences, and an all-around explorer.

It's good that you are exploring your sex and gender, just don't forget the other aspects of who you are while you do so.

Hugs,
Papabear​