Hi Papabear,
I've been seeing a lot of furry hate recently on the internet, and to be honest, I am tired of people hating on us, thinking that we are all zoophiles or thermals [I think he means therians, or maybe ferals], and to see that even though we hate them (zoophiles/therians) as well, people still don't see that! I feel like the fandom is dying, and you know what? We should destroy the furry community to make a new community like it, except with thermals or zoophiles, and to not have inappropriate things like murrsuits. It should be child friendly! Do you think we should recreate the furry fandom and have a set of rules with it? To keep everyone more safe and to stop furry hate all together? Anonymous (age 15) * * * Dear Anonymous, Wow, there's a lot of stuff in this letter to address. Let me see if I can do so in an organized and logical fashion.
If you're looking for a subculture or fandom with rules and structure in it, the furry fandom is not where you want to be (try a Star Trek convention, maybe). It's chaotic, creative, explosive, turbulent, wild, manic, and totally counterculture. That's what makes it fun, frustrating, and amazing. The people who hate furries hate us because we don't go by their rules. I love it. Don't let it bother you, because they only hate us because they can't control us. Kind of like Darth Vader hating the Old Republic because it didn't conform to his ideas of control. There is a lot of pressure and hate against people who are trying to be free. Yes, it can be hard, and I understand you're upset about it, but that's a part of what being a furry is. Bear Hugs, Papabear
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Hi Papabear,
I wanna ask how to deal with gatekeeping within the fandom and how to improve despite their differences? For context, I have a friend who's in college and we started to chat and sharing everything since the pandemic. The problem my friend has is that he doesn't live in one of the biggest cities in Colombia but in a tourist one. That's why most of the fandom have (not everyone) start to mocking some regions, including my friend's city, with terrible jokes. Despite I lived in the capital city (Bogotá) where concentrates the most part of the fandom, I can't believe the hipocrisy of some people, causing a lot of drama and splits to show which side of the furry fandom is the best; including the popfurs and meetups. And this bothers me when I read what happened in the past. The funny part is I open the conversation in a group where I'm part of by typing "Hey, Divas! What's up?" to see what are the reactions. At first, I thought that the Colombian furry fandom was open and welcomed, until I realized the live in their own bubbles. And maybe it can happen in other countries as well. What do you think? Gabbo the Fox (Colombia; age 30) * * * Dear Gabbo, Sorry for the late reply. What you're experiencing in Colombia is something that happens in fandom groups across the world. It is human nature, sadly, for hierarchies to form in social groups. While in the broad, big-picture view of the fandom, it is true that the furry fandom will accept anyone regardless of race, sexual orientation, gender, religion, or nationality, but it is also true that this is often not the case in small meetup groups. Why does this happen? Simply put, it's because certain people are not happy unless they are dominating others. There are a number of reasons for this such as overcompensating for low self-esteem or because the only way they feel safe in a group is if they can control all the other members. And the best way to dominate others is to put those other people down. You can do this by mocking certain attributes (it doesn't matter what attribute so long as it can be labeled as "other" or "unacceptable.") or by gatekeeping in which the dominant person declares that certain people do not meet the requirements to be "true" to their type, whether that means you are a muggle or not a true furry. While there is such a thing as a true leader, one who assumes the post because they are smarter or stronger or more experienced and wish to use these skills to lead their group to success and happiness, such people are typically found in times of crisis (for example, FDR during the Depression and World War II, or, closer to your home, Simón Bolívar). But when there is no crisis and the only purpose of a group is to socialize, then true leaders are not really required and what you get instead are popufurs and prima donnas. This is true whether you are in the United States, the United Kingdom, or Colombia. You are 100% correct that these furry social groups "live in their own bubbles." This is the reason for the social dynamic you have witnessed and why the leaders of such groups are typically jackasses (often--not always, but often). I hear stories like yours all the time. It's very petty and small. And it can definitely turn one off being a furry. Don't you let it. You're furry, I assume, because you love anthro animal characters in stories and art. Don't let others take that love away from you just because they're derps. Recognize that the ones treating you like this are most likely furries with very low confidence levels who are, basically, bullies trying to gain undeserved attention and admiration. How do you deal with it? Once you recognize these people for what they are, I have found that their personal attacks bounce right off me like bullets off of Superman's chest. Personal attacks on your character don't sting at all if you do not respect the people who are dishing it out. (My usual response to people trying to hurt my feelings is, "Ooh, ouch! That would really hurt if I cared about your opinion.") Once people realize you cannot be hurt by their attacks, they, like all bullies, usually get bored and stop attacking you. In short, be cool. Be calm. Be Zen. Be Bear. Bears don't take no shit from nobody, and neither should you. And they look cute doing it, too. Hope this helps. Stay Furry! Bear Hugs, Papabear Hello Papabear,
I have a question about fursona creation. Firstly, some things to know that kinda lead to the question, I have Autism, I tend to be an indecisive overthinker, and I have a terrible people-pleaser problem. I know many people say that when you make a fursona you should just make what you want and not let others decide things for you but it is genuinely hard for me to ignore people who say things like how dog fursonas are bland, or how blue as a color is too popular, and people who say things like that make me overthink my fursona so much to a point where the fursona is just a character now. I also notice I struggle with figuring out colors and markings that I like which balance between not too complicated and not too simple, and that I struggle with choosing one part of me that I want to represent and then getting upset when my fursona seems more like an oc than a sona. I don't want a shapeshifter, and I notice I don't connect to hybrids as easily as I do with full species, and it's a little frustrating since I feel bad every time I want to change my fursona. I also go through species phases a lot too. Basically, the main point of this (lowkey rant) is to ask if I will ever get a Fursona someday. I really want a fursona, I want a character who feels like me but I cannot keep going through the amount of fursonas I've been going through :') * * * Dear Piper, For many furries--myself included--fursonas are a deeply personal creation, a reflection of ourselves. But this doesn't mean that, once you have created your sona, it is locked in stone. Sonas can change over time. Also! You can have more than one sona! For me, for example, my original fursona (before I even joined the fandom) was a wolf. As a teen and 20-something who was into fantasy fiction, I was later a dragon. Today, I am a bear. I feel confident that this is the sona I am going to stick with, and that is because in my 50s I really feel I know who I truly am and Grubbs is a reflection of that. You, on the other paw, are 17. This is a time in our lives when we are going through lots and lots of changes, and it is totally logical--whether or not one is autistic--to go through lots of stages as you discover yourself. So don't beat yourself up about your fursona. You can let it change over time, or, as many do, have multiple fursonas. There are no rules about fursonas, and anyone who tells you there are has no clue what they are saying. Leave yourself open to possibilities. You could have, for example, a straightforward canine sona with blue fur as one of your sonas, but then also have a second or third sona with different colors, features, and qualities. I recommend you experiment with multiple sonas. Have fun with it. Eventually, one may click and that will become your main (or only) sona. But there's no rule about that, either. You could still have multiple sonas for years to come. One of the wonderful things about the fandom, in this bear's opinion, is that it provides a tool to explore our inner selves. This tool is better than a Swiss knife, as it can have many different tools all in one little package. So, go crazy with it. This is supposed to be FUN! not a big personal crisis. Oh, and if you need help, just search for tutorials by typing "design your fursona" on YouTube and lots of stuffs will pop up that can help. Make sense? Bear Hugs, Papabear Papabear,
Hey, I've recently been consumed by the idea of getting a fursuit and as an extension of this, the subsequent idea of starting a more online presence making videos in websites like OnlyFans in order to make some money. I think it is fair to say that people with nice fursuits get more attention in the fandom. My main question is this, do you think doing that kind of sex related stuff is something one will regret later down the line? I'm still relatively young but i worry if this is the sort of a thing that i wont realize i'll end up regretting in 20 years or not. Anonymous (age 29) * * * Dear Furiend, That's a terrific question, thanks for asking. I'm sure there are people who will disagree with me on this one, but I would advise you NOT to make sex vids online on OnlyFans or anywhere else. And here's why.... Once you have a video or photo uploaded to the internet, it is there pretty much forever. Oh, you might THINK you have deleted it, but if you make something like that available (and OnlyFans videos ARE downloadable), it will be copied and stored all over the place in servers all over the planet. You might believe you have control over the availability of a video, but, in fact, if you want something deleted, not only do you have to do so from whatever online service you are using, but you also have to ask the hosting company to remove it from their servers and you have to figure out where it has been indexed in search engines and have those instances removed as well. Finally (and this is getting to be a bit more than you likely need to know), even if you do all that, skilled computer gurus working for, say, police or government agencies might still be able to reconstruct the video data (at least in part) if it is involved in something criminal. Now, if you're okay with all kinds of people having access to you in a naughty video (and since you're considering it, I would guess you are), this might not bother you right now. But you're only 29. As you noted, you might feel very differently a few years from now. On the other paw! If you simply want to be more active and noticeable in the fandom by getting a fursuit and making videos, you certainly DO NOT have to make them adult-oriented. Plenty of furries have HUGELY popular YouTube channels that are totally G-rated. A good example is Kite's Windswept Wanderings who just won the 2023 Good Furry Award for their excellent videos covering conventions and other furry events. So, this would be my recommendation to you: Go ahead and get a fursuit; go ahead and make G-rated videos. Do it for fun and to make connections in the fandom. Have a good time with it. Avoid being X-rated ;-) Cheers, Papabear Papabear,
Hi! I'm a furry, and I really really love dinosaurs. Especially Blue the raptor. You see, I want to make her into a fursuit. It would have her same pattern as she has in the movie, of course. She would look just like she was out of the movie. This will be for my enjoyment. I would wear it at furry conventions and out in public etc. But I won't be making money off of the suit. I would like to know if it's okay for me to make a fursuit out of Blue. I have other OCs that I've designed and I plan on getting them made into fursuits as well. I've tried to design a raptor, but I don't really like any that I make (also can't find a good F2U [free-to-use] raptor base--I'm broke lol), so is it okay for me to make a fursuit out of her? Blue the Raptor (age 17) * * * Dear Blue, Copyright is an interesting field. I've recently been working on obtaining copyright on some books and have learned a few things on the topic. A big part of copyright is that the thing you are copyrighting must be unique and original. A velociraptor like Blue in the Jurassic Park movies is not an original creation any more than trying to copyright, say, a horse. A name must also be unique. For example, I am currently registering Uncle Bear Publishing as a trademarked name. While the word "publishing" can't be trademarked, "Uncle Bear Publishing" is, indeed, unique and can be. When it comes to "Blue," that is certainly not a unique word in and of itself and is not copyrightable (rather like Trump trying to copyright "you're fired"). The only thing even vaguely unique about Blue is the blue stripe she has down her side. This is not enough to qualify as "original." So, on those grounds, I would say you are fine. You are also fine because you are not using Blue the Velociraptor to make money, so your dressing up as Blue is not going to cost the movie studio any money. Indeed, by increasing awareness of Blue it could actually be seen as promoting the movies and helping Universal make some sales. A good touchstone on this topic is Disney. As you might know, Disney jealously guards its copyrighted characters. Even so, I have seen people in Minnie Mouse and Brer Fox fursuits at cons. It is highly unlikely that you will be "caught" in a Blue the Velociraptor outfit. And even if you were, the worst that would likely happen is you would get a "cease and desist" letter from Universal's lawyers, which means you wouldn't get a lawsuit if you stopped wearing the fursuit (scaley suit) in public. Here's some more about Disney and copyright FYI: https://themouselets.com/whats-the-deal-with-using-disney-intellectual-property. I hope this information is useful. In short, I think you're fine. Have fun! Papabear Papabear,
So, this is gonna be a bit of a long one but I need some guidance because I don't know where else to go. Recently, I left the furry community due to feeling I didn't fit in it no more. I was in a depressed state. I lost people that brought me out of my shell and got me to do art again, and the people that were still there for me stopped helping me as they didn't know what else to do. To provide context, I was with a group of people that inspired me to draw again - and I happened to piss them off doing an RP. I tried doing art for them as a way of saying sorry, and after that I was gonna leave them alone, but it backfired hard in my face and got me chewed out by a few of them. When I talked to this other group of friends, one of them exhausted his options to help me get over it, and the rest just stayed silent no matter how much I reached out. And it got to a point where I didn't want to stick around anymore. I couldn't handle the weight of the pain I felt. I got tired of dealing with it, and there was nothing else I could do to help alleviate the pressure of it all. Today, I am getting help and taking steps to keep myself on the up and up. But every now and again I keep thinking about those people I RP'd [with] and I've been trying to forget them so I don't hurt anymore. The question I have is: How do I come to terms with this whole thing, even though I've accepted that I'll never see them again? * * * Dear Furiend, Apologies for the slow reply. I'll start by giving you kudos for getting help, which I interpret to mean some professional counseling, an excellent step to take. Since you only provide generalities here without explaining details as to what you did, exactly, to upset your friends so much, I will reply with some generalized words of advice. As much as we want to be furry, let's face it: we're human. And being human means we can make mistakes, and sometimes those mistakes hurt feelings and cost us friends. In the worst-case scenarios, those friends are gone for good. Even a sincere, heartfelt apology combined with attempts to make amends and compensate for the hurt will not work. It's also natural to think a lot about what happened and even obsess about the past, creating a cloud over our heads that casts a shadow on our lives. So, what do you do? Take stock of what you have done so far. The essential steps include: 1) Admitting you made a mistake; 2) Apologizing for the mistake; 3) Making amends for the mistake; 4) Promising not to make that mistake again and to try to do better in the future. At any point in the process, the person you have offended can reject your gestures. When that happens, you will just have to accept it. An important lesson in life is that you can't change other people's behaviors and reactions; you can't control them. The only thing you have control over is your own actions and reactions. It is also important to keep in mind that when you do something wrong--whether or not you intended to do it--it is not necessarily a failure. We all make mistakes, and the key is to learn from those mistakes and take those lessons to heart so you may become a better human being as a result. If you constantly strive to be a better person, then even if those people you have wronged in the past do not forgive you, it's okay. It's not a loss; it's a lesson. And that's how you come to terms with something like this. You accept the consequences of your mistake and consider it a lesson in life that will help you to evolve into a better person in the future. We cannot change the past, but changing the past is not what life is about. We are here to learn, and as long as we keep learning, we will stay on the right path in life. Hugs, Papabear I thought I would try something new. In this post, I invite all my readers to ask me ANYthing about yours truly, Papabear (Grubbs Grizzly). You can ask me anything about the fandom, my furry experiences, and even my personal life.
You have opened yourselves up to me, and now it is my turn to do so for you. So, ask me anything! Just click the little Comments link to the left and leave your question. I will post the reply here. Make sure you activate the Notify Me button. Hi Papabear,
I'm Shadey, and I was wondering, do you have any advice on how to have fun while fursuiting for fursuiters (if you know anything about that), but also be safe about it and reduce the risks of damaging your suit at the same time? Even if it's just suiting at home or in public, would there be any tips or any suggestions of what you could do to avoid any pricks to the fabric, tears or rips, or anything of those sorts and what not to do at all? Or, if not, would you recommend any other place that I could ask? Either way, any response to this question is greatly appreciated. Thanks! P.S. I have read some of your articles online before when going into Google for curious furry related questions or suiting advice and I really liked them! Gotta check out your website more as possible. ^^ Shadey * * * Dear Shadey, Thanks for your question. I have been fursuiting for well over a decade now, so I believe I can answer your questions. Let's go through them by category (I'm German; I like order):
That's off the top of my head. Gosh! I was concentrating so much on safety, I forgot the fun part LOL. As for having FUN, probably the best way is at a furcon participating in activities like the fursuit parade and fursuit games that are designed to create a safe place for fursuiters to do their thing. Next would be furmeets, Good furmeet organizers will set up activities that are fun and safe for fursuiters, such as bowling meets or going to the movies. Third after this would be going to conventions that are furry friendly, such as a comic-con or the Doo-Dah Parade or Renaissance Faires. Next, might be charity events. For example, there is a group of furries who participate in charity fundraisers for ALS in honor of the late Dogbomb. Then there are special events such as Halloween or any costume party that might be going on. If you can't find anything, but you know of furries in your area, maybe organize a furmeet in your house. Now, if you want to fursuit at public places, just make sure there are no restrictions. A big one, obviously, would be a place like a bank that doesn't want masked people inside (LOL). But you might be surprised about where there are restrictions on fursuiting. For example, some parks are privately owned and do not allow fursuiters. And you probably don't want to dress up as a bear or deer in the woods during hunting season (cf. CSI episode "Fur and Loathing"). Stay Furry! Papabear Dear Papabear,
Is there a regular club for Furries vs. conventions? A regular place to meet, say weekly, here in San Antonio! Anonymous * * * Dear Furiend, San Antonio is a great city, and it is a pawsome town in which to be a furry, too! For one thing, you have a fur con right there. It's called the Alamo City Furry Invasion (www.furryinvasion.org) and is held in October at the Marriott Airport Hotel. There are many other ways to connect to furries in your area. Thanks to user SAFurry on Reddit, who saved me a lot of research, here is a list of links that will prove helpful to you:
Good luck and have fun! Papabear Dear Papabear,
Its a hard pill to swallow to say I use furporn because people who use furporn to fulfill their sexual needs more often than not are looked down upon. Anyway, I was exposed to furporn early on in life and found out that I liked it and use it normally. I've had sex and had no problem with “getting started” or my overall performance. It hasn’t “watered down” my attraction to real-life sexual acts or desires but enhanced in its own way. But I sat down today and asked myself why do I still use furporn and why do I still like it? I felt as though it was childish, so I looked at a normal porn video and some pictures and noticed it's all the same. I like furporn because it has diversity. Colors, races, styles (etc.). My main question is, "What does this make me?" I wouldn’t consider myself a furry because I don't have any desire to partake in anything, being events, suits, and such. I simply just use furporn. I hope you are able to answer my question for me. Thank you for hearing me out and I hope I was able to bring a new perspective or anything of use to you and your journey. Anonymous (age 20) * * * Dear Furiend, Thank you for writing an honest letter that I believe will be helpful to many of my readers. Isn't it funny how true it is when you say that people into furporn are looked down upon (including in the furry fandom) and yet furporn and other "regular" porn proliferates throughout the Web, literature, movies, sex clubs, and on and on? Human beings are sexual creatures. This is natural. What is unnatural is how social (especially religious) institutions make sex anathema, sinful, a thing only for degenerates, something that should only be used for procreation, and you better not even masturbate lest you go blind and grow hair on the palms of your hands and cause the dinosaurs to go extinct (Family Guy joke). Complete nonsense. The elite and powerful in human society use guilt to control people into "behaving." The result of this is that a vast number of people have become neurotic about sex and many who try to repress their feelings later release their sexual tension in inappropriate, hurtful, violent, criminal, and truly sinful ways (i.e., e.g., rapists, pedophiles, spouse abusers, and priests molesting little boys or having sex with nuns). The truth is that it is MUCH healthier to have an active, playful sex life. People who have satisfying sex lives are happier and more mentally and emotionally balanced. Sexual fantasy is a part of this. There are many good things about sexual fantasy, the main one being that it is a safe way to stimulate the libido. It also helps you run through your mind many things that you might like to try with your consensual partner. In fact, talking with a partner about sexual fantasies can help you strengthen bonds you might not have known you had. Now, one might have some very "out there" fantasies that you wouldn't try on anyone (a common one in the fandom is vore fantasies, for example). You shouldn't worry about these. As marriage and family therapist expert Steven Ing wrote in a Psychology Today article: "Just as fantasizing about being a world-class jewel thief doesn't mean you're going to become a thief, having sexual fantasies doesn’t mean you're going to act on them. Fantasizing is our brain's way of projecting a future scenario or trying ideas on for size. It's also a way of reliving a wonderful moment or deriving comfort or pleasure from an alternative reality." And, of course, always keep in mind the Wiccan Rede: As long as you're not hurting anyone, do what you like. You certainly aren't hurting anyone by watching furporn. But it is also important to note the dangers of porn addiction. Judging by your letter, you are already aware that too much porn viewing can numb the senses and actually lessen one's real sexual activity, and you assert that your own libido has not been "watered down." Good for you :-) Further, you note that furporn is really no weirder than other porn on the internet. So, furry fantasies are just another type of imaginative RP of the mind. In short, you have nothing to worry about. Pretty much all sexually active human beings indulge in some sort of fantasy, so you are totally normal. Yours just happens to be furporn. Big whoop. You seem very aware of all of this and, IMHO, you are quite smart and in tune with yourself. You're mentally and emotionally healthy. Lastly, just because you like furporn doesn't mean you're a furry. It's not like, "Ohmygerd! I watched anthro wolves having sex! Now I have to go buy a fursuit and attend a furry convention!" Relax. The Fur Police aren't gonna knock on your door for noncompliance. Hope this helps. Remember, play safe and have fun! Thanks for writing! Bear Hugs, Papabear |
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A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.
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