Dear Papabear,
I'm transgender, FTM, and struggling to tell my family. My mom, formerly dad (MTF herself, I do use male pronouns/say dad when around strangers) knows and is very accepting of me. My stepmom is also MTF and supports me as well. I'm planning on starting testosterone soon, but my mom and sisters are very transphobic, completely cutting off my mom (MTF) from their lives. To them, my mom doesn't exist anymore, while I still talk to her daily. I would love for my other mom and sisters to see me as a son/brother but am terrified they'll want nothing to do with me. If they want me out of their lives, then I'm also going to lose touch with my two year old nephew who I just adore. I can't stand to keep pretending to be someone I'm not around my family, but I can't stand losing them either. Any advice on how I can start coming out? Ryvis * * * Dear Ryvis, First of all, count your blessings that your mom and stepmom are in the same boat and supportive of you. It’s vital that you have at least some people on your side as you transition. As for the rest of your family, rejection is very common in life because many people are brainwashed about social standards of “right” and “wrong” that they don’t use the one measuring stick that is the only thing that matters: love. Whether it is being trans, bi, gay, furry, or even simply a different race or religion, people the world over are faced with rejection simply for being who they really are. This is why almost all of us wear masks that we present to the world, hiding the true us. It’s a sad fact of the human condition. Some people will go through their entire lives being who they are not. Others, the brave ones, choose to be themselves. When you choose to be brave, the implication is always that some sacrifice is involved; otherwise, it would not be a brave act. It is brave for a soldier to face enemy bullets, knowing he or she might be seriously injured or killed. Likewise, it is brave for people to admit who they are to a judgmental family, even if they stand the risk of losing people they love such as your nephew (in my case, it was losing my wife to divorce, though we are, thankfully, still friends). As with the soldier comparison, the best way to face the future is preparation. Really, choosing to march into the battlefield is not longer a choice because you have already decided you are going to start hormone therapy. Once that starts kicking in, there’s no way you’re going to be able to conceal what’s going on. Therefore, be prepared. There are a few things you can do. First, do some research in the library and the Internet on being transgender, the process, and living your life; there is material out there on how to talk about this, too. Second, sit down and write out your thoughts. This will help you organize your thinking and make it easier to talk about. Third (and you have a little knowledge of this already because of your moms), play out the arguments in your head as to what your family might say and how you would respond. In fact, it could help to do this with your moms. Do some role playing, rehearse. The best, last hope of getting acceptance from your family is to educate them about transgender people. This by no means guarantees success because, like religion and politics, people usually have their minds made up and are not easily swayed, even when faced with cold, hard facts. That’s people; they can be stubborn to the point of stupidity. In the end, the most important person for you to please is yourself. If you sincerely believe to the marrow of your bone that this is what you must do, then you have no choice but to do it. Yes, there might be some sacrifice involved, but the alternative is far worse: sacrificing yourself. I wish you luck and happiness, Papabear
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I want to know if I should repair a friendship or leave it.
I have a friend, I'll call him Arctic, and he came into my life about a year ago. We quickly became best friends and did basically everything together. We both had extremely similar backgrounds except for some preferences in music. It was good. Then I made the mistake of introducing him to another friend. I'll call that one Timber. Timber and I also used to be good friends, but a large part of that was I looked up to him as a spiritual mentor. I went on a church mission for two years and then when I came back he told me he had left the faith. We kept the friendship and hung out a lot. Even though I was emotionally devastated that he was no longer the same person I used to look up to. In fact, before I introduced them, Arctic used to help me a ton getting over that depression. The problems started shortly after introducing Arctic and Timber. At first the three of us became close together, but then slowly I was becoming excluded from everything. I thought they just we're hanging out a lot. I became college roommates with Arctic and noticed changing behaviors. He would skip work (a Job I got for him) stay out and up to extreme hours, and wasn't dependable. This made a lot of tension between us. It took nine months and me accidentally discovering gay porn of them that I discovered the reason they were pushing me away. During that time I was trying to get my friends back and hang out, have fun, but I suppose I pushed more than got close. I was often upset at Arctic, who used to be so close, for spending so little time with me, and skipping church and work all the time. After I discovered why (my church is against gay relationships. I apologize to those who think differently, I have nothing against gay people, but am very religious. All our families were from the same church) I was devastated and felt betrayed again by both of them. They tried to be nice, and so did I, but the rift was getting bigger and bigger. I revealed their relationship to their families out of my pain and wish I hadn't. I essentially broke trust after feeling my trust was shattered, after feeling pushed away for so long. I should not have, but I was hurt and lashed out. Up until then, I did not see how much Arctic was trying, but now they both have written me off. Lots of drama roller coaster of both sides being at fault, trying to make up. Arctic caught in the middle most of the time torn between relationships. Me with some trust related PTSD caused by what happened with Timber and depression and them with lots of lies and excuses about why it was okay for them and why they couldn't trust me when they first wanted to date. I feel like if they told me I could have trusted them and let it be instead of how this all blew up. What I wanted so badly this whole time was to have my good friend Arctic back. I believe Timber will never forgive me, nor should I be around him because of who he is now and the PTSD I got from him when he left the faith and emotionally devastated me, but I wanted to know if it was a good idea to try and make friends with Arctic again, to give up for a while and try later, or to write him off? I suppose I feel badly and at the least don't want our last words to each other to be so full of hate. * * * Hi, Fellow Furry, Thanks for your letter. A quick question, if you don't mind: you say you are very religious and your church disapproves of gay people. Do you feel you can accept Arctic in your life even though he is gay? And what if this meant you would have problems with your church because they would not agree with your accepting him? This will help with my reply. Cheers, Papabear * * * My church is the kind of "hate the sin love the sinner" church, so for me I want my friend to stop, especially with Timber, but I can accept Arctic for who he is. I think the church would accept him too as long as he is willing. * * * Hello again, and thanks for answering that question. (Quick note: you are misusing “PTSD.” Post-traumatic Stress Disorder comes about when you have suffered grievous physical harm or threat of physical harm, such as being a combat soldier or surviving a tsunami. Having difficulty with a friendship doesn’t qualify.) I hear a lot in your letter about what you miss about your friendship with Arctic and Timber, but I don’t really hear anything about what you contributed to it. And, while you acknowledge that your outing of them to family was wrong, the fact that you did so is very disturbing and is a much deeper betrayal than anything Arctic or Timber did or are perceived to have done to you. Finally, although you say you can accept them for being gay, your church mindset of “hate the sin, love the sinner” means you will never fully accept them for who they are. Just by saying “hate the sin” means you cannot accept gay people and consider being gay to be a moral failing, which it is not. Being gay is not the same as committing a sin, such as murder or stealing. It is simply a state of being, and until you can accept that fully you will never be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone who is a homosexual. I’m actually impressed by Arctic and Timber for putting forth the effort for so long to be your friend. A real friend would be supportive and not so judgmental. For example, when Arctic was having those behavior problems it was likely because he was struggling tremendously with his sexuality and perhaps also your friendship difficulties. Instead of trying to find out the cause of his missing work etc., it sounds as if you just got angry at him for being unreliable. Arctic needed your support at that time, not your anger. Until you can learn to be a better friend and to accept homosexuals for who they are and not consider them to be innately sinful, your desire to be friends with Arctic and Timber is contraindicated. Good Luck, Papabear Dear papa bear,
I am a male & recently (June 2015), I told my best friend that I like him. Before telling him, he gave me several hints that suggested he felt the same way. (Saying I had a big dick, asking if I could rap my dick a fruit roll up, asking why does the light skinned dick have to be bigger than the dark skin dick, waiting for me to get out the shower so we could end up getting dressed at the same time, and so on). So I let all these things build up before I actually told him. I tried to find a way for 2 months to tell him, but I finally did. The conversation went something like I said, "Have you ever just liked somebody & didn't know how to tell them." He said "Nahh" So then I said "Well I really feel some type of way about this person." His response was "Who, male or female?" I said "Male." He said, "Who, Paul?" I said, "No." Then he said, "Who? Me?" I said, "Yes." Then he said, "Oh. Well different people have different preferences." So as we were getting out the car I said I'll text you & he said ok. So while we were texting I told him again & he said he wasn't a homo & assured me he wasn't going to tell anyone. A few days after that, I left to go out of town so we didn't see each other for the whole summer. It wasn't until we got back to school in the fall that I found out he had went around telling everyone & acting funny with me. One day we would be friends, then next we wouldn't. I couldn't understand why my best friend was doing me this way. I tried several times to fix our friendship, but nothing worked. He started talking to all these females & having sex with them after we've been in college 4 years & this is when he decides to do this to prove to people that he is not gay, when everybody knows he is lying. To sum it up, we ended up fighting by the end of the semester & the little bit of friendship we had is now gone. We haven't talked since November 24 & it's now January 5. What should I do? Anonymous (age 21) * * * Dear Anon, I can tell from this letter that you’re pretty smart. You’ve figured out exactly what I would have said: this is classic overcompensation by your friend to disguise the fact that he’s gay. He’s distance himself from you by telling everyone you’re gay, and then jumped into a pool of wanton heterosexual sex to try and convince everyone how masculine he is (and how immature). Could you be wrong that he’s gay? Hmm, maybe, but it’s kinda true that guys like us have a “gaydar,” as they say. You can tell. Heck, even straight people can tell a lot of the time, as you seem to indicate in your letter by implying most people who know him on campus have figured it out, except a few dense and overly horny students he’s managed to sleep with. Since you already understand what’s going on, this will be a very short reply on Papabear’s part. Go talk to him once more, and simply say, “Buddy, we both know who you really are inside. When you get over being afraid of that, give me a call. In the meantime, make sure you wear a condom when you’re having sex with all those girls and pretending to be straight.” And walk away. You’ve left the door open if he wants to talk to you (don’t shut it), but there’s no reason you should have to put up with his childish drama. Life is far too short to waste a lot of time on someone who might not even want to be fixed. If you’re searching for a boyfriend or more, start looking for someone who knows who he is and doesn’t play games. You’ll be much happier. Remember, you aren’t responsible for trying to help people who don’t want to be helped. You have to wait until they ask. In this life, friends come and some of them go. Don’t worry. You’ll be fine. Hugs, Papabear I have not had a mate for 10 years, and ever since 2015 has begun my life took a hard drop. I’ve always had depression, but because I was turning 18 my parents had been on my case to find somebody. That on top of many other things put me in a real low place in life. After my birthday in April I started searching inside myself, I finally realized I was bi; however, the way I was raised, Southern Baptist, I just tried to act otherwise, like it was a phase. But I’ve always been interested in both guys and girls. I’ve been doing RP for sometime now, and in June, I was taking a nap and my mother got into my phone, and she read through one of them (which just so happened to be male on male) so she went the whole day acting funny and when I confronted her about how she was acting (angry) and had no reason to be that way, she said, “Yes, I do,” and went on to explain how she went through my phone and then asked if I was gay. My response to her was no (I was still unsure of my sexuality at the time), but then she went on to explain how if I was gay how God would punish me for it and how I haven’t been saved (baptized). Since figuring myself out, I’ve come out to my three closest friends, and I have found a mate. We had been talking for some time, and developed feelings for each other, and after being completely oblivious to his attempts to make it obvious, we were talking about a dream I had (doing some things with someone I could’ve had a chance with). He started acting a little “strange” and when I asked what was wrong he told me he had a crush on someone. Needless to say, I finally caught on and I told him about my feelings for him. Some time later that night, I asked him if he would be willing to try and make a long-distance relationship with me work. I was so happy when he said yes, and he is the best thing in my life. He makes me happy, and we’re both Christian. He is the only thing that’s really made me happy this year, and I was already planning on a trip next summer to get out the stress around here, so I’ll be visiting him. My parents know of the planned trip. When they ask where I'll be going, I just say, “I don’t know where I’ll be going yet.” I would like to tell my mom. I know she already suspects something, but she’s very religious and I’m afraid of how she’ll react. I used to think she was open-minded, but she’s not. If things stay good with my mate and I after I get back, I want to tell her. I don’t care what my father thinks; he just wanted a son to carry on a name. So how should I go about telling my extremely religious parents that I’m not only bisexual, but that I’m dating a gay Christian? Rodor Wolf (age 18) * * * Hi, Rodor, There is an epidemic in America called the Christian Right. These are people who believe they are Christians, but they actually are not. Anyone who says God will hate you because you are gay is not a true Christian. God is about love, not hatred. Anyone who would hate their own son just because of his sexual orientation is a poor excuse for a parent. Papabear gets letters like yours all the time, and, frankly, it’s giving me a bellyache. I am so sickened by parents who treat their own offspring like crap just because they are gay, or bi, or a lesbian, or trans, or furry. To these parents, Papabear says, “Shame on all of you!” I’ve seen mothers and fathers treat their convicted murdering sons with more compassion and love than I see you people treating your perfectly kind and loving children who happen to be homosexual, and I am highly offended by you people. I believe in a loving, kind, and forgiving God. I’m not sure where all this hatred came from, but if I believed in Satan, I would say that you have all suckled the thick, black oils out of his venomous penis. Strong words? You bet. I’m putting my bear paw down on this attitude right now. It makes this bear sad, too, that the Christian Right give all Christians a bad name, because I know quite a few real Christians whom I have told I am gay and who have welcomed me with open arms. I wish they were more vocal. We need to hear their voices. Thank you for indulging me a rant, Rodor. Now, to answer you. Thank goodness you are 18 and are entitled to live your own life now. And I am overjoyed that you have found a loving partner and I pray that both of you can have a wonderful life together. How do you tell your parents? There is no way to tell prejudiced, closed-minded people that you are bi or gay and have them accept you. You could point them to the Bible, even, and show them that there is not a single page in it in which Jesus says he hates homosexuals or that they should all go to hell or that His Father will hate them. This kind of invective comes only from homophobic preachers who probably need to get laid really badly, and since their sex lives stink they take it out on gay people. Another reason preachers and other right-wing activists do this is because they are actually having gay sex themselves and are trying to hide it behind a mask that portrays them as anti-gay. Your parents, sadly, have bought into the hoax of hatred, much of which is perpetrated for political and financially selfish reasons. Why do people do this? Because they are afraid of anything that is different. They are afraid of things that challenge their preconceptions. And people react to fear by becoming hateful as a defense, even if that hate is aimed at their own kids. It makes this bear cry. Now you have a difficult task ahead of you, Rodor, and I’m sorry for you that you have to do this. In order to be happy, you will need to be yourself. I can tell you from experience that hiding it is going to make you absolutely miserable. You know, clearly, you have to tell your parents. The best advice I can give you is to hold off until you can make this announcement from a position of strength. That is, you will need to become independent of them so that they cannot manipulate you effectively with the threat of cutting you off financially and kicking you out of the house. A sad fact is that the number of homeless teens kicked out of their homes by families because they are gay is on the rise in America, and you don’t want to add to that number. Wait until you are comfortable and situated so that you can live on your own, if needed, or with a roommate or perhaps your boyfriend (hope that works for you). When you are ready, just tell them. Sounds like your mom will then tell you you are going to Hell. So be it. You are not responsible for her being so narrow-minded. Don’t be angry with her, though. Just say that you are sorry she feels that way but you disagree and believe in a loving God and there are many people like you who are gay and Christian. In fact, there are entire organizations filled with them, just like this one. Perhaps your mom needs to reread Matthew 7:1. Has she even read the Bible? Sometimes, with these right-wing people, I wonder.... I wish you well. I’m sorry I could not be more helpful, but maybe these words are a comfort. A person once asked me, in a provocative manner, if I approved of homosexuality. I replied with another question: "Tell me: when God looks at a gay person, does He endorse the existence of this person with love, or reject and condemn this person?" We must always consider the person. Blessed Be,
Papabear Hey Papabear, it’s Wolfthorne again.
I know that you just responded to a letter of mine recently, but lately I've been starting to think about some things. Since coming out to my Mom, you know, I've kinda have been trying to understand why I'm gay. And obviously, pornography is a big one, and snuggling a guy, regardless of orientation, causes me to have thoughts and feelings. Me and my mother went to dinner one evening, and I really do value our relationship, so she you know petted me on the head, and I nuzzled in (furry humor), and she was talking about, but in a very nice way, saying that I should go to a gym and try to see if girls would come up to me, and I kinda, has a facial expression of smiling and ":\". She then added, "Don't knock it till you try it, son." And then after hearing that, I'm like, "Huh. Maybe I should give woman a try, because I never had made an attempt thereof." Not that I'm disgusted to try, but I really need to start thinking about what's on the inside other than just the outside, right? But me not really understanding women all that much or know exactly how to talk with one makes it difficult to relate to than a guy, and I don't know why its easier talking with guys then girls, and perhaps it was my religious upbringing that caused it since I couldn't date outside of the church or anything. I kinda want to know more "wholesome" ways other than porn and sex, if there is a way where I can be swooned by one, if at all. Then my sexuality will narrow down, and I don't feel like I can just rely on a shortcut, in this case, porn, to feel if I'm gonna have to cross my legs. Because there's way more to life then just sex, right? Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I shouldn't think about this at all, but I feel as if I don't at least try, I'll always wonder about it. So I guess my question is, should I try to date women to see which way I'll swing and are there wholesome ways to find out what I'm really attracted to? Same thing goes with guys, other than sexual thoughts and porn are there other wholesome ways to find out why this is the way I work? Wolfthrone (age 22) * * * Dear Wolfthorne, Yes, there is more to a relationship than sex! You should never base a relationship just on the sexual aspect of it. That’s a recipe for discontentment, no matter how awesome your partner might be in bed. On the other paw, sex is an important part of any healthy relationship. If you are not attracted to someone—both what’s inside and what’s outside—then you’re not going to be completely happy, and people who are not completely happy tend to wander and stray.... Are there “wholesome” ways to meet people? Oh, absolutely! You know, here in Palm Springs there are several gay bars (I don’t go; they’re tiresome to me), and I know people who go there and it is like Desperation City, where men are trying to hook up with other guys and they don’t seem to care about anything other than if you are handsome and have a nice package and, hopefully, money. Breathtakingly shallow. And the result is they are all very sad people who have little luck with relationships. (That’s the majority, which is not to say I don’t know some happy gay couples who go to these places just to have a drink, dance, and hang out). Anyway, what I’m saying is don’t go to bars. Don’t go to hook-up sites. Also, porn sites set you up for disappointment as they are incredibly unrealistic. What you should do is become active in your life (I’ve said this many times in this column) and meet people at places and doing things that you enjoy. For example, say you really love dogs and have a couple as pets. You could take them to a dog park and meet others like yourself, strike up a conversation, and build friendships and more. As for men vs. women. As you know, I’ve had both, and I’ve had very good relationships with both, but now I’m with a man. There are few people who are 100% gay or 100% straight; sexuality is a spectrum of color, not a black-and-white checker board. The thing is not to force or make yourself date one or the other. Let it come organically. In your case, you are naturally attracted to men and you feel uncomfortable around women. Why do you think that making yourself date a woman would change that? Do you think having sex with a woman would change your mind about men? Well, you could try, but I highly doubt it. While your mom is being very gentle about this, she is clearly employing a tactic to try to make her son “not gay.” That all said, there’s no reason you can’t try and make friends with some women and see where it goes. It’s good to be open minded about it, and you could end up forming some very nice friendships. Here’s the thing, though. If you start going out with a woman, do not try to hide your past. If you pretend to be straight and she falls in love with you, it could be very heartbreaking for her if you decide to go back to guys. Be open about what you are doing. If you meet a woman you like, tell her you like her and ask her out to dinner or something, and explain yourself. Believe it or not, there are some women who like a challenge (and honesty!) I’ve heard this line before: “You only like men because you’ve never met a real woman.” Yowsa. How one establishes his or her sexual identity is a vastly complicated process, and there is no telling where it might lead. You could be the antithesis of me, and, instead of thinking you like women but then, late in life, discovering you prefer men, you might do just the opposite. What I’m saying is don’t try to force love and affection. The best thing to do is to expose yourself (er, with pants on) to as many people as possible. This increases your chance of finding someone who makes your heart beat faster. You’ll know it when you experience it. Whether that is a man or a woman is actually irrelevant. Look for a good soul. Don’t stress, my furry friend. Relax.... just have fun! Hugs, Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
A friend of mine has recently discovered that he's bisexual, and because I was basically the first friend he had in the fandom, he turns to me for advice regarding his sexuality, among other things. He's also been raised as a Christian from a Roman Catholic family. They haven't actually been to church for a while, but by the sounds of it, they do hold their faith dear to their hearts. Also, he told me that no matter what anyone tells him, he knows that "god loves him no matter what", so he clearly doesn't have any problem with being both a Christian and bi. Unfortunately, his mother does. I'm not sure how, but she's discovered that he's a both furry and bisexual, and she's not happy about him being either. He told me that beforehand, she continuously told him that she loved him. Now, even though he told her all the right things when she wanted to know what being both furry and bi meant, she didn't want to believe any of it. And now, whilst he hasn't been kicked out of the house, it did result in him telling her he was planning to move out in the next few years. Still, I gave him what advice I could, like suggesting that he should give her some time to come to her senses and perhaps realise he's still the same son she raised, as well as offered him countless links to organisations and helplines I thought he'd find useful (including one forhttps://www.gaychristian.net , just in case you were thinking of putting their link in your reply) When I asked whether or not she believed sexuality was a choice, he told me that she thinks the fandom has made him bi. Whilst this is, of course, a ridiculous thing to believe, I didn't know how to answer. I told him that being a furry doesn't transform someone into being gay, bi, or whatever, and he completely agrees, but I didn't know what to say to back it up. Whilst I'm for certain that there have been clues in his past to say he likes both sexes, he's only discovered and accepted his sexuality since joining the fandom, so I didn't know what I could say that would prove the fandom hasn't made him this way. So, my question is this... what can he tell his mum which will help him to defend the fact that he hasn't 'become' bi since joining the fandom, and that the way he feels is a perfectly natural way to feel? Also, if you don't mind a small question on the side (pardon me for breaking your 'one question per letter' rule), I was thinking of writing an open letter to his mum as an attempt to give her a wake-up call. Would you recommend this? I want to tell her how I feel, but I don't want to accidentally make matters worse. For a friend in need, Charleston * * * Dear Charleston, A very controversial and difficult topic is this. My own personal beliefs on it are actually still evolving somewhat. If you don’t mind a kind of wishy-washy answer, my current thinking is this when it comes to nature vs. nurture: it’s a bit of both. The debate has been ongoing among biologists, anthropologists, psychologists and other professionals forever and a day. On the one paw, it is clear that nature created two sexes for human beings and that the purpose of this is for the two sexes to get together, mate, and produce offspring (it’s also true that this is not the only natural model for reproduction). It is, furthermore, true that sexuality exists not just for breeding but also for social bonding, which is why it is okay to have sex without necessarily having a goal of popping out a kid. Another thing that is true is that homosexuality is found in nature. Some scientists theorize that the percent of homosexual animals in a species’ population increases as population increases (i.e., it is a method for keeping population explosions from occurring). To irritate a right-wing person, you might ask them if they think some whitetail deer “choose” to be gay (if they say yes, they would be saying that animals have free will and make intellectual choices, which would result in Winnie-the-Conservative-Pooh sighing, “Oh, bother!”) To complicate things further, there is growing evidence that contamination in the environment is actually having an effect on people’s hormones and sexual development. One problem, for example, is that women on birth control pills are excreting hormones through their urine into toilets, which gets into the water supply, and has actually been blamed on causing young girls to become sexually mature earlier. Diet and pollution are clearly affecting girls (http://www.newsweek.com/2015/02/06/puberty-comes-earlier-and-earlier-girls-301920.html). There is also some evidence that young boys, while growing larger penises, are actually also having a harder time ejaculating and are becoming less fertile (low sperm counts). The effect of these hormones has been pronounced in fish (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-105466/Fertility-timebomb-drinking-water.html) and if it affects fish, it probably affects us, as well. Anyway, in nature, it is the norm for a certain percentage of the population to tend toward homosexuality; environmental conditions can increase or decrease this percentage. A fascinating 2012 study (http://www.gaystarnews.com/article/scientists-think-they-have-found-out-why-people-are-born-gay141212/) explains how homosexuality can continue in a population, even though homosexuals don’t, usually, breed, and it also explains why twins can have one being gay and one being straight (some anti-gay people who feel it’s a choice have used twin studies to say it is not genetic—well, folks, here’s the reason why it still can be—science!) That’s on a whole-population scale. Now, on the individual level, Papabear believes that no one is born 100% straight or gay. We tend to have proclivities toward one or another, and environmental factors can strongly influence them. Take me as an example. I didn’t realize I was gay for 40 years (though, in retrospect, there were clear signs). A big reason was I was never exposed (er, pardon that choice of word) to gay people except through the media, which portrayed all gay men as very effeminate, which didn’t appeal to me. The trigger came on the Internet, when I discovered gay bears: masculine homosexuals. I was hooked. That was my trigger. Therefore, in one sense, your friend’s mother could be considered correct (though she likely didn’t reason it out the way I just did here) in that something like sexy furry art could “turn” or, more correctly, “trigger” a homosexual response. The difference is that his mother thinks this turns a straight person gay, but the truth is that it could awaken homosexual feelings that have always been present, but were hidden (either consciously or subconsciously). And that’s how you explain it to her in a way she might understand. Whether she accepts this or not is up to her. But here’s the more important point. It shouldn’t matter one effing bit whether her son is straight, bi, pan, asexual, or gay. He’s her son, and she should love him no matter what. Love the person. As for writing to his mother yourself, I’m not sure I would recommend that. She will just think you are a gay furry trying to “recruit” her son and she will ignore the letter or, perhaps, even get angry by thinking her son put you up to it. So, no, don’t do that. Instead, talk to your buddy about this letter and see if it helps. Wishing him luck! Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
Remember the letter I sent you some months back? Anyways. I was really surprised that the letter got so much attention that another person decided to write a blog regarding said issue... I guess its time I ought to say what's been going on now. Two weeks ago, I recently came out to my Mom on Facebook after the announcement that the US said that we can marry anyone we like. The constant outcry on Twitter, Facebook, and other social media is kinda what drove me to this state to tell her, and I couldn't stand the pressure any longer. As per usual, she told me that she could not wrap her arms around it. (Embrace me, being gay) But to be honest, I kinda expected that. Her having Christian values and whatnot makes things difficult especially with one is a "non-denominational" Christian. Or in this case: part of this church. Anyways, I have Facebook screenshots, text messages and even recorded phone calls in case I'm missing anything, and she doesn't believe that I was born this way. She has hampered me down with, "come back to the light of truth", and "bad company corrupts good character", which in my opinion, I don't think being gay considers being a bad character, unless for instance you happen to do things that qualify as being a "prick", excuse my language. I have tons to share with you if I could. But I don't think its necessary. She basically told me that I'm grasping for an identity that and she told me to develop the one I have. But I have told her time and time again that I'm not heterosexual and I've suppressed it years ago, and started questioning since October of last year. I did not yell or argue at her. I was being very patient and listening to what she had to say, however eye-rolling it may be to listen. But I wouldn't retort back if someone were to say "you're going to hell", because that's not the kind of person I am. I love my Mom, whether if she were to disown me or not. That's what love is, its not just "I love you, on one condition", its UNCONDITIONAL. And I don't want to push her away because I love her very, very much. And I feel like I'm being selfish choosing my own happiness against what society is all about. Even though, THAT'S THE IDEA, right? So what do I do? I love my Mom very much and I know she can't accept me being gay. I mean there are a couple other family members who won't accept it, not just her. But she's the MAIN one. I don't want to disappoint her. What's your wisdom on this? Wolfthorne * * * Hi, Wolfthorne, Yes, I remember your letter :-) And I’m very proud of you for coming out to your mother. Recently, an article was published in Discover magazine (“The Irrationalist in You,” July-August 2015) about how to argue effectively with people who hold views that you understand to be incorrect. One study surveyed people who believed that inoculating their children was dangerous, even lethal. Despite showing them all kinds of scientific studies proving them to be wrong, they still held their original beliefs. People often hold beliefs not because of evidence or experience but, rather, because of cultural influences and how they were raised. They form cherished systems of how to perceive their world, and when you challenge those beliefs they become fearful because you are questioning their entire worldview. Your mother believes that being gay is a choice and that by accepting Christ you can reject that “choice” and become straight again. You know this is wrong-headed thinking, but what to do? Well, kudos to you for declaring you love your mother unconditionally; that’s great. But you get a light thwok on the noggin for feeling guilty about choosing your own happiness over “what society is all about.” Society is wrong and it is wrong a lot. So why are you trying to conform to something that you know is wrong? Be as courageous as when you told your mother about your sexuality and stand firm in being yourself. The Discover article offers several strategies for arguing your case. The first one you already mastered, and that’s listening patiently to what the other person has to say. You also nailed another strategy on the head that the article lists, and that’s discussing the topic in person, rather than online or in a letter. Another strategy is to relate to the other person on their level, which means using the Bible to argue against her argument. There are about half a dozen passages that Christians use as ammunition against the LGBT community. Four of those passages are from the Old Testament, which the New Testament is supposed to overrule. In other words, Christians should follow the rules in the NT, making rules in the OT obsolete (a good thing, because it contains silly rules such as forbidding the planting of different crops side by side but allowing polygamy). I've actually heard some Christians declare: "I'm an Old Testament Christian." That's nonsense because, if true, it actually means you're Jewish. Christians should follow the new Word of God, not the old. As for the few NT passages referencing homosexual acts: those were really geared against the Romans, who often engaged in nonconsensual sex with boys and with their slaves. In other words, the NT was really talking about aggressive sex where a man forced himself on a boy or other man. Here is an extremely useful article about this. Learn the Bible and also the historical context in which it was written and you will be able to use your mother’s Christian perspective to explain that God doesn't command Christians to condemn homosexuals (even the Pope said we shouldn’t judge, noting, too, that Christianity is supposed to be about compassion and love, not being judgmental and hateful to others). In conjunction with this (and, actually, perhaps before you do the above), ask your mother, specifically, what she knows about what the Bible says about homosexuals. I mean, she needs to point out the passages and reread them. According to the Discover article, when people are asked to explain their beliefs and support them, those beliefs can be swayed toward a more moderate position. You would be surprised how many anti-gay Christians don't even know the Bible and many haven't even read it or have only read parts of it (for a very long time the Catholic Church actually forbade the laity to read the Bible, and many Christians still allow the clergy to interpret it for them instead of reading it closely for themselves [in case you're wondering, yes, Papabear has read the Bible cover to cover]). Finally, getting passed the Bible, ask her what she knows about the LGBT community. What does she think gay people are all about? Does she think it’s all about having big sex parties? You know what I’m doing right now as I type this? I’m watching reruns of “The Big Bang Theory” as my partner of 10 years plays solitaire on his laptop. Let the bacchanalia begin! Also, just FYI, same-sex couples have a lower divorce rate than hetero couples, according to one study. On that bit of evidence, one might say gay couples are more moral because they tend to not divorce. One last point made by the article in Discover I’d like to emphasize is the importance of assuring the other person—in this case, Mom—that she is important, valuable, and to be respected. It is vital that her sense of importance, her ego, remain high so that she doesn’t feel under attack or that you are denigrating her in any way. I don’t see this as a problem for you, since you clearly value having her in your life. All of this is no guarantee you will sway her mind. You can only do your best. It might be that she and the couple other members of your family who have a problem with LGBT people will never understand you. Even if that’s true, it doesn’t necessarily mean they won’t love you. You can agree to disagree and still be a family, so keep that in mind. It’s not all or nothing. The best situation would be that she is the one who “sees the light,” but if that doesn’t happen, hopefully she will still leave a light on for you and always accept you as her son. Hugs, Papabear ![]() Me again. :P So if you recall my issue from my last letter which is resolved, I have a female fursona named Cassidy. And that's the problem. Female. I'm a born male in a Catholic house with a highly religious mother and to-scared-to-do-anything-but-more-open-minded father. I don't feel like I need to run around in a dress or pretend I have lady parts or anything, but I do have female thoughts and tendencies. And I reflect them onto Cassidy. Cassidy emerged as a representation of my female self. That part of myself was created in the era I grew up, 1996-2008 mostly where the influence came from. Music Videos especially played a big part. The dancing! Britney Spears, Shakira, Christina Aguilera, and many other singers from that era and their videos got to me and I felt a strong connection. I feel alive when I dance like them, just provocative hip moments and dropping it low. It's not, nor has ever been about sex but just having fun...teasing I guess. I don't know, it's hard to explain. How versed are you on 2000s Music Videos with Pop Divas? XD My Dad is a DJ so I've been around music my whole life. All kinds. So it's very important to me and has had a huge impact on my life. I can't go a day without it! I have some pictures of Cassidy I've had commissioned and some I've drawn myself that are female, but none NSFW or whatever. Just female in provocative and slightly revealing clothes (another 2000s reference. Mostly the art is of the shirt from the Ciara - Goodies video and the pants from Christina Aguilera - Dirrty) and that's how I like it. Just how I imagine myself in it. Sometimes my parents ask questions. I just say it's a character and since the page I'm drawing on and my room are so covered in random other characters and doodles I don't think they've picked up on the 1 character who is consistently every where. Body image is also a big part. I'm not super skinny, but I'm not big. I'm kinda average I suppose, some extra fat and some man boobs. I've been working out in an effort to lose the belly fat but the boobs...I kinda like. I've had them forever and my mom says they'll go away but I kinda don't want them to. Next issue; parents. The religion plays a big factor but mostly just acceptance from the norm is the struggle. I decided to shave my legs and was immediately ostracized for it. And when I was little, way young, like 6 and I saw those music videos I did the dancing and my parents told me to never do it again. They said it was only for females to do, same when I sang women songs (Do It To It - Cherish and Me & You - Cassie come to mind.) so there's always been a gender barrier. I think they might know...or at least guess. I played with Barbies and Polly Pockets when I was little, never whatever boys played with. I always played the girls. They seem to have faith though, they ask about girls and stuff. I get hit on A LOT, maybe a dozen times each year at my school. And not even subtly. I don't exactly come off like Cassidy to people, which is a good thing I suppose so I don't get bullied like crazy at school. I do make my opinions and love for music known at school however. My song choices are also signs but nobody cares. Body language is huge as well. I position my hands and legs kinda like a gay person when I sit. Not to be offensive but just, not manly if that makes sense. Cause I'm not manly, nor am I gay. And on an interesting note, a few weeks ago my Dad off handedly called me 'furry' which caught me way off guard and my heart stopped. I've been making my own Halloween costumes for 3 years and last year I did Rocket Raccoon with a full on fursuit head which was awesome but I never mentioned furry...and yes, they did watch CSI while it was on. Oh boy. But they tend to forget things so I don't think they know about the sex as the first thing they think of when they think furry. But I've never asked so I'm not sure. I know there will never be a day when I can wake up and suddenly look like a mid 20s female pop singer furry, but even just reflecting a bit of who I am would be nice. But that's strictly prohibited in my house. It becomes even harder when you learn that I have a brother who is the most masculine thing ever. He works out, does ALL the martial arts, has the temper of a bull and isn't afraid to hit anyone, family or not, and all the girls love him also. That last bit is the only similarity between us and my parents go to town with it. He's younger than me but a force to be reckoned with. I've tried to just have a chat with him about my thoughts but he's like a brick wall. I don't even know if he has emotions other than rage and not rage. I'm very musical and the songs I like to write and sing are also female which sucks because then I can't sing them! I have hundreds of songs I'm holding on to until maybe one day I can sell them to a record label or something. I try play up the masculine thing though for my YouTube, so that if there's a chance a big label sees it, they think I'm an exploitable teen idol rather than some gender confused f*ckwit who sings. When I was little I also was told my brain did more than normal. More thinking, more processing, whatever. I look to much into things and let bad things hold me for a long time. Take that information as you will. My Dad tries to get me into cars, talks about women, sports, all that. But I just don't care. Even rock music or metal is not my thing. I don't do any typical man things (referring to the M word here.) and I love long hair and hate dirt. And with all these thoughts, and this is just my stupid brain here, I think I have legit extra female hormones in me. I don't have ANY body hair. Any where visible when wearing underwear. And whatever shows up is short, fine, light in color, and I remove it immediately. Which is even crazier when you ALSO learn I'm half Mexican and Italian. A MEXICAN ITALIAN WITHOUT BODY HAIR?! Madness. My nails are not even comparable to other guys, they're well kept and perfect without any products used. Even women are envious of my finger nails which is weird for a guy to say, but then again, I'm not really a guy. I've got full lips, a...big butt. Nothing guys normally have. Which makes sense but not in the perfect male image my parents are trying to force onto me. So all my female qualities, or desired female qualities, are placed onto Cassidy, my female civet fursona. And I've been taking more steps into becoming a furry artist for the fandom which might be even harder to hide. My question is, how do I explain this to my parents? Not that I need a sex change or binders or anything, but just that I want to be allowed to express female tendencies. I'm asexual, uninterested in relationships which will also not be good for them to hear. A fursuit would help, Vancofur is so close!! But parents again. And the lack of said suit. Should I just wait it out? Do I even NEED to tell them? What if they find out? Paranoia is a horrible thing. My parents don't believe in psychological help or anything which is good and bad. Good in that there won't be a pill to take every morning because I'm clinically whatever and I can work myself out of slumps without knowing I'll always have them. But bad because God is the answer. If they find out I'll get the furry exorcised out of me. Even in this letter to get help I'm rethinking everything I type. Don't dare speak to me, I ramble way worse than I type. Feel free to ask me questions if my ramblings are not making sense, or if you need some good 2000s music recommended. Cause you wouldn't be the first. ;3 Thank you so much for listening!!! ^w^ ~Luv from Cassidy * * * Hi, Cassidy, Sexual preference and “feminine” vs. “masculine” behaviors are complete different things. Just because you like music performed by women, like to dance like one, and exhibit what would now be considered effeminate behavior doesn’t make you gay. What you are struggling against, then, is not an issue with your sexuality but, rather, an issue with social standards, and social standards are something that changes over time. For example, did you know that in Roman times it was considered effeminate to sport a goatee? Did you know that the color pink was not considered a girl’s color until the 1950s? Did you know that little boys used to be dressed in cute little dresses back in the nineteenth and early twentieth centuries? Feminine and masculine standards are in flux. Another example would be the fairly recent phenomenon of “metrosexual” dress and hygiene care adopted by many men; and, in Europe, male attire can often be much more effeminate than here in this country (you’d never catch an urban Frenchman in overalls or a plaid shirt and cowboy boots.) You don’t need psychiatric help. There is nothing wrong with you. Just because you don’t match today’s standards of masculinity doesn’t mean you have a mental problem. It just means you are in a different place than most of society. And society always considers anyone abnormal who doesn’t conform to the currently accepted behavior, even if that “acceptable” behavior standard is mutable over the generations. On the other side of the coin, it has become acceptable—especially since the 1960s (but the WWII era, when women stepped up to the plate at home, building the war machine and filling the gap left by men at war, was really the spark, I think)—for women to behave in more masculine ways. Women wearing pants, getting jobs, playing sports like baseball and even football would have been out of the question not very long ago. Just as ideas of femininity have changed, so, too, has masculinity in this country. This, again, has to do with a changing society and changing role models. The gangsta culture you see, for example (and that your brother is rather adopting) is the result of overcompensation for the lack of strong male figures (which is why it originated in poor urban areas where fathers are often absent). We are lacking strong male models of the traditional sort because our country has changed. In our country the wilderness has been tamed, the country settled and civilized. The old models of rugged frontiersman, cowboy, explorer, hunter, prairie settler, gold prospector, etc. are gone. In their place, we have bankers, stock brokers, lawyers, politicians, movie moguls, pop stars, actors, and pro and college athletes battling it out in controlled environments. If a football player gets a boo boo, he is rushed to medical attention because he’s a financial investment vs. the Roman gladiator who toughed it out, fighting lions while his leg was broken (although I’ll give a nod to hockey players whom I’ve seen play long periods with broken ankles and concussions). The masculine model for many, therefore, is a guy in an expensive suit sitting behind a desk and drinking Earl Gray from a porcelain teacup. You and your brother are interesting reactions to the same situation: your brother went hypermasculine, and you went “feminine.” Both are because you are struggling with the idea of what it means to be a man because of the hole left by the loss of old stereotypes. You remind me of one of my favorite characters on TV: Raj from “The Big Bang Theory.” He has many qualities considered feminine, but it’s made clear that he is heterosexual. You could give that as one example to your parents, if you like. In short, just tell your parents you’re not gay; you just aren’t as masculine as your younger brother. You don’t need therapy; you’re fine just as you are. There’s really nothing to apologize for, explain, or fix. Just be you. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
Before I start this letter, let me just say that I happen to be very picky when it comes to having crushes, which makes it very rare for me to like people this much. A couple of weeks ago, I was introduced to someone by my friend. He was very very sweet, and we shared so many things in common (including being in the furry fandom, and there aren't many furries in my school.) He just seemed like the perfect guy. And he still does. He's more than perfect to me. He's the first guy that I can see in a relationship with me. I could never see myself in a relationship with anyone before. Little did I know, the he, out of all of the people in my school, is gay. I'm all for LGBT rights (I'm pansexual myself, but I don't like saying it because, in my opinion, I’m too young to come to conclusion about my sexuality just yet.) If he likes guys, than he likes guys, and I have no problem with that. It’s not really his fault, because its not really a choice. But I still really like him. I don't think it'd be a good idea to try to make him straight or anything, because I wouldn't react well to anyone if they asked me to be straight. I don't think anyone would like to be asked to change their sexuality. I don't want to just ignore the fact that he likes guys and tell him, because I don't want him to feel bad, or be pressured to say that he likes me back (I know that it doesn't seem like anything that someone would do, but he actually told me a story about how he was asked out by a girl that was a friend of his a long time ago, and he was really stressed out because she was a very good friend of his, and he said yes and ended up doing the right thing and telling her that he likes guys and now everything's awkward between them, so they don't talk anymore, etc.). And even if we don't end up together, I'd still want to be friends with him. I'd never want to lose a good friend by doing something that'd make him feel awkward around me. I have no idea what to do in this situation. Can you help?? Thanks, Kachebe the Shiba-inu (age 12) * * * Welcome back, Kachebe :-3 My goodness, you’re only 12 and actively dating, and you also have a very mature attitude about LGBT people, realizing, unlike many adults, that this is how people are born; it’s not a choice. Good for you. Forgive Papabear for saying that he is still a bit disoriented by the fact that he is getting letters these days from 11, 12, and 13 year olds who are having romantic relationships. In his day, people that age were still kids, playing with dolls, plastic horses, army men, and Matchbox® cars. Ah, well, a topic for another day.... You don’t mention the age of the boy, so I’ll assume he is your age or very close. You might know this (or not), but boys tend to mature a bit later than girls, so he might be behind you a bit on figuring out his sexuality. Also—and no one knows this better than I—one can be very confused, even misguided, as to his or her sexuality until much later in life (you might have read in previous columns that I didn’t realize I was gay until I was 40, for a number of reasons I won’t go into here). So, one possibility is that your friend might not have settled into where he really is in life. Of course, the other possibility is that he is very sure of his sexual orientation, which is a good thing for one’s sanity to know who you are at such an early age. In either case, as you already know, too, it is never wise to try and influence someone in this area—especially for selfish reasons. In your case, you would prefer him to like girls so that the two of you could have a romantic relationship that would someday include sex. This is another one of those letters Papabear gets in which the writer already knows the answer but just wants some verification. That answer is that you should not try to push him in any direction. One of the biggest mistakes a woman can make in a relationship can be summed up in one quote: “I can change him.” Nuh-uh. While he certainly could change, if he does, he changes of his own free will. Forcing the change will just foster bitterness and resentment. What you do is this: be his friend! And, at your age, honey, you should not be thinking about sex, anyway. Good grief! You’re too young! And, believe me, you do NOT want to have a baby at your age! Or, God forbid, an STD. At this point in your life, you should be practicing aspirin therapy: take an aspirin, hold it between your knees, and keep it there. With sex off the table, there is no reason you can’t have a beautiful friendship with this boy, and one that even includes a lot of affection. Gay guys love to kiss and hug, even kissing and hugging women. My advice to you is to keep it at a friendly level. And be patient. Who knows what might transpire years from now, but for now, live in the moment and treasure having someone in your life who shares your interests and with whom you love spending time. Hugs, Papabear Papabear,
For a while I have always had 2 personalities. I am positive to people always but deep down I am struggling to stay alive. I am always getting bullied and made fun of because of being gay and a furry. How can I get through tough times and be positive? Raoul (age 13, Georgia) * * * My Dear Raoul, Looks like you’re becoming familiar with one of the most difficult aspects of living within human society: trying to fit in on the outside, while becoming familiar with who you really are on the inside. Society wants us all to be the same: heterosexual, sociable, hard-working, productive citizens who produce useful goods and services to the state. On the inside, only a minority actually fit the desired stereotype. However, evolution has made humans so that they crave acceptance within society, and, once acceptance is achieved, we feel more secure because there is strength in numbers. Therefore, when our insides don’t match what is desired on the outside, we create masks, as you have done, in order to adapt. Such personality conflicts are typical of minorities, such as LGBT people and furries. A couple things you can do here. First of all, you need to find fellow furries and/or gay people with whom you can create a social circle of support. It is important that you don’t feel alone and isolated. Secondly, you will need to learn to defend yourself. One way to do that is to report incidents of bullying to your school, whether they involve real-life or cyberbullying encounters. Georgia law is very clear that bullying is not tolerated in schools (and the state will deny funding to schools not in compliance), so your school administrators should be motivated to help you. You can also talk to a school counselor about what is happening and get some advice from him or her. Don’t be afraid to reach out to others for help, including your family. Furthermore, it doesn’t hurt to learn a bit of physical self-defense. With the caveat that you should never hit or kick someone unless absolutely necessary, it would not be a bad idea to take a self-defense class, such as martial arts. The reality of life, Raoul, is that both you and I, being gay and furry, are likely to be persecuted in one way or another for the rest of our days. The key is to realize that this is not your fault; you are a good person, a valuable person, and it is okay for you to be gay and furry. Those who cannot accept you for being different are simply less evolved as human beings, sadly. But, in your life, you will run across people who are much more open-minded and accepting of you for you. When you find such people, cling to them and never let them out of your sight. You will learn this in the years to come. Have patience, and don’t get down on yourself. You’ll be okay as long as you refuse to believe the hateful remarks thrown at you by the ignorant and the stupid. Bear Hugs, Papabear |
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