Dear PapaBear,
I've been somewhat lurking and neglecting to post this on here for some time, but in all honesty... I might be dead by the morning light. I only have one question for you and anyone who wants to answer it, but I might need to establish some background first. 10 years ago, I figured out I was wrong. Wrong for existing, wrong for not doing well at scholastics, and wrong most of all for not being the Christian man I should be. I was molested by a younger man (whose name shall remain anonymous for his protection, not a fur though)at the age of 11, he was 9 at the time. I tried to secure the newfound friendship because of my family's (then) recent bonding with his family. Both families being very devout Christians, and homeschoolers seemed like a perfect match and I wanted that to happen between him and myself... I was tricked into being molested, and was told never to tell about it; but for three years I waited until I couldn't take the hatred, disgust and desire to murder the kid anymore. I exploded in anger, wishing I was never born when he was assigned to a group for a game. that next week, I told my parents. They couldn't believe it. I internalized the anger and redirected it from him, back to myself, for being wrong. 10 years ago, I also figured out I liked guys. Mainly I had crushes on both male and female kid celebrities and equated the usual hangout with full blown sex at the time… Making my attraction to guys and abomination, and making ME an abomination. I knew what the Bible said about Gays as much as any 9 year old would… not much except you had to change or (in my understanding) kill myself to get rid of this “abomination”. My heart was broken, full of self hatred and guilt for not being the right Christian, and desiring my complete and total destruction. but then, my cousin committed suicide at the age of 12, me being a year younger, he was the closest person I had to a brother. because of how harmful his suicide was to the whole family, I knew I couldn't do that… even though I still believe its what God wants and what the Christians want since I’m Bisexual today. Because of this, I can ask this question.. What should I do? Live a miserable life hating my entire existence and fighting the urge every 5 seconds to self harm and wound myself; or Live a free life but losing the family and people I love in the process? I should also add, I’m a third year sophomore going for a mechanical engineering degree (via Tennessee Tech University and Motlow College) to possibly make characters come to life in the future. I’ve never dated for all 21 years of life, and I live in the Bible Belt Buckle Of Tennessee (no getting away from Christian Hatred). My father is a minister, my mother is very devout, my sister is a successful student athlete gymnast in Georgia, and I just try to keep myself from committing suicide because its wrong. Everyone wants me to live. But only if its their way, or some sort of way that is decreed by the Bible or something else…. All in all, I hate myself, but don't want to, and want to freely live without these thoughts of guilt and hatred towards myself. Please respond soon, Slayton James Talon (age 21) * * * Dear Slayton, As you might have noticed, I just published a similar letter about being gay and Christian. If you haven’t seen it, please read it, too. I’m sorry to hear about how you were sexually molested. Extraordinary that your assailant was only nine years old. I can imagine that the negative impact that had on your psyche is part of your self-loathing now. You have the double whammy of not only feeling the disapproval of the local Christian community, but also of all the guilt and shame that comes from being sexually assaulted by someone who was supposed to be a friend. Before I go further, if you are indeed having suicidal thoughts, please stop reading this letter and pick up the phone right now and call the suicide prevention line at 1-800-273-8255 and talk to one of the trained counselors there. Whatever happens in your life, it is not worth killing yourself over. The core of your struggles here is your belief that you are a bad person. This belief is based on the judgments of other people. If you look, though, you will find still other people who will say that you are a good person. It all depends upon whom you are listening to. You are living in a conservative region, so it’s not surprising your ears are filled with the hatred people in that region evidently have for LGBT people. In Papabear’s opinion, there is a simple way to determine whether someone is a good person or a person who is doing bad things. A bad person says and does things that hurt others (often deliberately, but often with “good intentions”—and don’t forget that the road to Hell is paved with good intentions). Good people do not harm others, and very good people do things to help others. Given this measuring stick, how would you judge the people who would hate you and make your life miserable because you are gay? Given that, why would you listen to people who are bad or misguided? The wise person does not allow the words of a fool to trouble his ears. As a gay person, you are in some good company of people who are quite amazing. The list includes Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Tchaikovsky, Oscar Wilde, Walt Whitman, E. M. Forster, Alan Turing, John Maynard Keynes, Cole Porter, Noel Coward, Aaron Copeland, Christian Dior, Laurence Olivier, Elton John, Ellen DeGeneres, and Neil Patrick Harris, just to name a few. On top of that, the Pope himself recently said we shouldn’t be judging gay people (recalling his Bible, no doubt—as in, “Let he without sin cast the first stone” and “Judge not, lest ye be judged.”) Even Queen Elizabeth II recently was quoted to say that she thinks gay marriage is a wonderful thing. So, you see, Slayton, it’s all about the company you keep. Surround yourself with negative, hateful, petty, narrow-minded people, and you are going to get depressed quite quickly, as you are now experiencing. Instead, surround yourself in positive, loving people. For example, there is a website called Gay Christian Survivors that has a super message about acceptance. You can also try the Gay Christian Network. God, dear Slayton, is about LOVE. God is about ACCEPTANCE. God is about CHARITY. God is about HOPE. Anyone—ANYONE—who is counter to these fundamental values of the Loving God has no right to call him/herself a Christian (or Jew, or Muslim) in my honest opinion. God does not want you to hate yourself, Slayton. Hatred, whether directed at others or oneself, makes the Lord weep. At this point, it might sound to you like I’m a Christian. Well, no, I just believe that God (however you want to define Him) is about love and kindness and community. I do not believe in a God who wants war, terror, bombings, killings, prejudice, envy, greed, and selfishness. Call me a nut, but that’s what this bear believes. To answer your question: you need to live your life as you, and you need to fill your life with people who sincerely love you for you. If that means that some of your family have to go because they hate all gay people, then you are better off without them. Finish your schooling, get your degree, and move somewhere where you can find love and acceptance. There are many places all over the world, from San Francisco to the Netherlands, where you will be more comfortable (why do you think I’m in Palm Springs and not in Michigan, which made gay marriage illegal in its state constitution). It might be hard to uproot yourself, but it will be the healthy thing to do. In the meantime, reach out to the gay Christian community. There are thousands of others out there just like you. Always remember: God is Love. Hugs, Papabear
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Hi there,
I’m recently struggling around with how can I be myself. I have this problem for a while already but its getting annoying. So as I maybe said before I’m a gay fur. I adore femboy furs a lot, they can be so cute and all, and I want to be like that too, I also sometimes act really girly, now that brings me to the this: At about 50% of the day I feel really male and I’m like a cool motor biker, listening to hard music like hardcore or heavy metal and so on, and I feel really good then, but when I feel more comfortable, as like in class because they all now I’m a gay fur, I get to feel really girly and I'd just love to be one except for the genitals, as like a trans or crossdresser. But I cant satisfy that desire, to be able to try out clothing like a girl, its really embarrassing and I don’t have those clothes and its really awkward to go and buy some or ask some of my sister. Also its really different from feeling like a cool moto biker, I don’t know what feeling I have to follow, but one of my biggest dreams is trying out and being a trans for one day and see if I feel better. But I just don’t know how to get to the point I can try it out without my parents or family or bf finding me weird. How can get to that point I’m able to be a femboy without feeling embarrassed or weird? I’m scared that if I do like it a lot when I get to that point and choose to stay like that I’m gonna lose my bf :( or my family liking me. I have no friends not even on the internet who are a furry femboy and kinda experienced the same thing as me Bluefluffy Fusky (age 17, Flanders) * * * Welcome back, Bluefluffy, Papabear believes that many people are under the false preconception that they can only be one thing. In my experience, people are much more complicated than that. We have many many aspects of our personality. Some are more dominant than others, but we are definitely not one-dimensional. Therefore, you can be, sometimes, a biker dude, masculine and tough, and, at other times, express your more girly, softer side. There is nothing wrong with that. You are lucky you live in a place like Belgium, which is much more open-minded about such things than the Bible Belt in the United States. It is therefore rather remarkable to me that you feel so uncomfortable about expressing yourself in such a wonderful country. My guess about this is that your problem is you haven’t yet reached out to the LGBT community in your area. How can you know what opportunities are out there for friends and activities if, as you say, you have no friends in the community, not even online. You need to find some buddies, Bluefluffy, who understand you. Below are some helpful links that I copied from antwerp.angloinfo.com: LGBT Associations Çavaria: An umbrella organisation with over 120 member associations supporting the LGBT community through consultation and trainings. The organisation also lobbies the government to ensure equal rights for gay people and transsexuals in welfare campaigns and general policy. Sensoa: An organisation whose aim is to promote sexual health and sexual rights. Its primary aims include promoting sex education and the prevention of STDs and HIV. Active Company: A sport and leisure association and club for gay people and their friends.
Many decisions in our lives are made based on fear. We are always afraid of being judged harshly by others: friends, family, coworkers. The human psyche has a powerful drive to be accepted because we are desperately afraid of being alone. This has the effect of making us hide behind masks, concealing our true selves, and, when we do this, we die a little inside. The thing about fear, however, is it is often unjustified. When I found out I was gay, for example, I was very afraid of losing some of my Christian friends. Fortunately, I chose my Christian friends well, and they accepted me for what I was (wow, many other “Christians” could take a lesson here). The same can be true for you. I don’t know your family, but you might not be giving them enough credit and they could be a lot more understanding than you think. Same with your boyfriend. In summary, don’t think that you have to be just one thing or another; embrace the complexity of your personality and soul, but do not make decisions about who you are based on fear of rejection. And reach out to your local community. When it comes to things like shopping, I’d bet you that there are shopping areas a train ride away where you can try on some pretty clothes and see other guys in the store doing the same thing. Do some research on the wonderful thing called the Internet and you will begin to learn about them. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I am writing to tell you that I'm going through some growing pains. I recently discovered that I'm a gay wolf. And ... let's just say, I'm not comfortable with it. I've always felt like I was straight, but I started to really like fantasizing about males, I wanna say when I was 18? But, I was never allowed to even express it considering the fact that my Mom was a "walking-talking duck" Christian, and I use that term, because she literally does what she is taught from the Bible, interprets the phrases and practices it out in the general population. (Non-denominational religion) And I used to be a Christian, until now becoming an apostate. And she doesn't know I'm not straight. Anyways, I talk to very dear friends of mine who are helping me cope with my orientation, and all the while they have said that I was born this way. However, because my mother's teaching is so INGRAINED in to my brain, having to remove it is like cutting cement to find buried treasure, thus, I keep refusing to believe it. And, I don't know what I should believe, because the Bible "says" that its a choice I'm making, but, I'm still conflicted about it, and even though there have been studies and meta studies (studies on studies) time and time again, I just have a problem believing it. And any doctor or scientist can just say something to a person, without the person realizing that it could be just a fallacy. Not only that, but I'm also scared for my future. As I was once a straight man, I didn't have to worry about marriage rights, and now its like, I'm gonna have to worry about it, as well as possibly believe in the symbolic rainbow flag, which I'm not too comfortable with. Reason being is because I don't like what it represents, and even during pride parades, which I will probably refrain from going, its still "in your face" style oriented, as well as other LGBT activities, in fact, I really don't want to be part of its community in general, as I'm not proud of my sexuality. Whether open, or closed. And I certainly am not comfortable telling my other furry friends who don't know about my sexuality, because even though they are a very open group, I myself am just, not. ._. So I guess I really only have two questions, though you said one, but I hope you don't mind. 1) Should I believe my friends and say that I really was born gay? 2) Do I have to be part of the LGBT community in general? That's about it. Wolfthorne * * * Dear Wolfthorne, I don’t know if you’ve been reading my column very long, but if you have you probably know that I’m a “late bloomer” when it comes to being gay. I was married and thought I was straight for years, until I was 40. I won’t bore you with the details, but you can imagine it was quite an awakening for me. I blame my delay on two things: 1) my father would quickly negatively reinforce any behavior on my part that wasn’t “butch,” and 2) my only exposure to gay people was a few examples on TV (this was before the Internet) and gay men were always portrayed as effeminate, which was something I didn’t like (I’m a fan of bears). I understand what you are going through and, believe me, you are much better off figuring out you are gay at your age than in middle age. My father, like your mother, was very religious (Southern Baptist), and I know that the religious can be very closed-minded (though not necessarily so; I have religious friends who are very accepting of me). First thing you need to do is start unlearning what you have learned (quoting Yoda). I hope you won’t think of me as a corrupting influence when I tell you that the Bible is a mishmosh of outdated and self-conflicting baloney. Now, there’s some good stuff in there (Jesus’ “Golden Rule” is my favorite, but it seems to be a rule that most conservative Christians forget), but, really, the Bible was written thousands of years ago at a time when life was very different. Many of the things in the Bible (such as dietary rules and farming rules) made sense then because of the dangers of things like diseases that we now have under control (eating meat from swine was often a good way to become sick, for example). Some rules in the Bible are just plain stupid (e.g., in Leviticus 21 it says that if you are blind, lame, or, get this, have a flat nose, you can’t pray before an altar of God). Many other rules, especially in Old Testament books such as Deuteronomy, are terrifying. For instance, if you curse or blaspheme God, you are to be stoned to death (everyone who has said “godd***it” raise your paw; now get ready to die). Adulterers are also put to death; if you curse out your mother or father, you must be put to death, too. Not to mention that in the Bible the writers believed in wizards and sorcerers and demons, etc. etc. Much of the New Testament contradicts the Old Testament, the latter being much more violent. A lot of Christians call themselves “Old Testament Christians,” meaning they believe in these harsh punishments, but, really, if you take that term literally, “Old Testament Christian” means you are Jewish because you don’t follow Jesus’s law in the New Testament. You can’t have it both ways, all you conservatives out there. Why are there so many contradictions and such weird crap in the Bible? Because the Bible is the most heavily-edited-by-committee book in human history. Over the centuries, church leaders have decided what goes in and what (“apocryphal”) books go out. Furthermore, it varies from church to church. There are so many different versions of the Bible it will make your head spin. That’s why it has become akin to reading directions on how to assemble living room furniture that were originally written in Japanese, translated into English, then into Spanish, then back to Japanese and back again to English. Okay, now, in your letter you say that the Bible says homosexuality is a choice. Not true. The Bible says that homosexuality is a sin and an abomination, but nowhere in it does it say anything about it being a choice (or, for that matter, something that you are born into). Basically, it considers being gay a sin, though it is a forgivable sin if you repent and seek to be Saved. What this means is that you can be a Christian and a homosexual, but you cannot practice homosexuality (you’d have to suppress it your entire life). Remember, though, this is a very old document that is outdated and written at a time when homosexuality was accepted or not, depending on the culture. In ancient Rome, for instance, people didn’t have a problem with it. Indeed, Paul’s letters to the Corinthians in which he addresses homosexuality are largely in reference to his disapproval of the practice within the Roman Empire. Let’s jump ahead to the Middle Ages, an interesting chapter in Christian history. At the time, church leaders came up with a way to deal with homosexual partners that was sort of a “don’t ask, don’t tell” approach. In a ceremony called adelphopoeisis (from the Greek, meaning, essentially, “brother-making”) same sex couples were united in a rite that acknowledged they were more than just friends, though not spouses. It tacitly acknowledged that these couples were in love and having sex with each other (cf. the writings of historian John Boswell). Most Christians today, however, believe in the old philosophy that homosexual love is against natural law and, therefore, a sin. The main thrust of this argument is that sex is for procreation and nothing else. Sex for pleasure, even with one’s spouse, was traditionally frowned upon. That has slowly changed, and, along with it, attitudes about homosexuality have become more moderate in many Christian denominations, including, remarkably, the Catholic Church (Pope Francis, when asked what he felt about homosexuals, recently noted that the Bible says we shouldn’t judge others; only God can do that). Wolfthorne, I would suggest that you don’t have to renounce Christianity, if you don’t wish to. Many churches around the world will accept you for who you are, including the Seventh-day Adventist Church, the Church of Canada, the United Church of Christ, the Global Alliance of Affirming Apostolic Pentecostals, and the Unitarian Universalist Church, among others. Just because your mother belongs to a very conservative denomination, I imagine (Baptist? Jehovah’s Witnesses?), doesn’t mean all Christians are that way. This is all a long-winded way of saying that just because your mom thinks homosexuality is awful because of what the Bible “says” doesn’t mean she’s right. But to your first question: are you born a homosexual or is it a choice? I believe—and this is just one bear’s opinion—that it is not a choice. A big reason is this: why in the heck would ANYONE choose to be ostracized by society? Why would you want to make your life more difficult, to be the object of hatred, to, in essence, become a pariah within most societies? No one would want that just for the sake of sex. I certainly didn’t want it. Discovering I was gay destroyed my marriage of over 20 years. I went through absolute hell—guilt, self-loathing—for many years. It was not a fun time. About the science: yes, there is growing evidence that being gay is, at least in part, genetic. This article from 2014 reports that scientists have found two regions of our DNA that appear to make people inclined toward homosexuality. But it is actually wise to question science as much as religion. Scientific theories change almost daily, flawed papers get published all the time, scientists often fudge their data in order to get grants, and so on. Nothing has been proven beyond a doubt, yet, but I would tend to agree with your friends. Our sexual proclivities are something that are part of our character. We don’t learn to be gay; we either are or we aren’t gay. As to your second question: no, you don’t have to participate in gay culture. It continues to fascinate me that there appears to be a belief out there that the LGBT community is, shall we say, a homogeneous collection of like-minded people, perhaps even its own nation (hey, we have a flag, right?) Ridiculous. The LGBT community is just as diverse as the straight community. As I mentioned above, there are certain things about the gay community I’m not a big fan of, and one of them, I’ll agree with you, is some of the more outrageous Gay Pride events I have seen. These events are supposed to show LGBT people in a positive light and to show straight people that we are just like them. Now, while some parades I’ve seen are tame, others look more like Mardis Gras in New Orleans, complete with sexualized behavior and a lot of bare skin. I really don’t think that is necessary as a public display, nor does it help convince straight people that we aren’t somehow a “threat” to their way of life. Just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you have to hang a rainbow flag outside your door. Gay people don’t have secret decoder rings or handshakes, and, despite what people like Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell might say, there is no conspiracy to convert the world to homosexuality (fearmongers like these guys spread hate about homosexuals for one reason: it fills their coffers with donations from the weak-minded). The LGBT community is far from united. I, in fact, feel very much outside of it, for the most part. I live pretty quietly with my mate, Yogi, and visit gay friends occasionally, but that’s about it. The rest of my time I occupy myself with very outrageous gay activities, such as working on my computer, doing chores around the house, playing with my dog, and watching television. Oh, the humanity! Wolfthorne, all of this is to say that you can be as out or as closeted as you are comfortable with. You can try to meet a gay man, or you can choose other pursuits for the time being (there’s more to life than sex). There is no all-encompassing right-or-wrong answer. Rather, each person is an individual. You are now exploring who you are, and that’s fine. The process could take years; it could even take the rest of your life. Go at your own pace. Don’t pressure yourself. Whatever you decide, it’s okay. Just remember the Golden Rule, and you will be fine. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I'm a male furry in a relationship with a non-fur and it has been going great. She accepts me for who I am, furry and all. This sounds like a great thing but here's the problem: I'm gay. I came to terms with it about a year ago and we've been together for three years. What do I do? She knows I'm more gay than straight, but I really don't think I'm straight at all. I still really like her but I don't know if I will ever feel sexually attracted to her, or love her more than I'd love a close friend. To make matters worse, she's been talking about marriage and it is making me uncomfortable... I really don't want to end it, but it just seems wrong being with a female... Also I have this friend that I AM attracted to, and he apparently reciprocates my feelings, but neither of us will do anything about it because I'm already in a relationship. I want my girlfriend to be happy and she's always saying how happy she is that we're together and she's demisexual so she may never find someone else that she loves this way... This makes it harder for me to even think about an end to the relationship because she's such a great person and I really don't want her to be alone for the rest of her life... I'm sort of at a loss and any help would be appreciated... Thanks. Kye Fox * * * Dear Kye Fox, You don’t need to “end it” in terms of friendship, but you sure as heck need to stop letting her think that this is going to lead to marriage. Can you imagine what would happen if you let it get that far? All the way through the expensive ceremony? the honeymoon? ... but no kids because you don’t like her in that way. So, not only would you be deceiving her about what you could do for her as a husband, but if she ever wanted children you would be depriving her of that, as well. Stop this charade. You are not doing her any favors by pretending this is any more than what it actually is. And don’t undervalue friendship. A good, real, binding friendship can be just as precious as a marriage in many ways. Furthermore, if you went through with marriage with your girlfriend, you could potentially be depriving your male friend of what could actually be a romantic matehood—so that would be two people whose lives you would be wrongfully affecting because you’re afraid you’d hurt your girlfriend’s feelings. As for her being demisexual (for readers who aren’t familiar with the word, it refers to people who can only be sexually aroused by those with whom they are emotionally bonded), you might be thinking of yourself as a little too indispensable. There are a lot of people out there who would appreciate a woman like her. So, your count is now up to three other human beings who could be hurt by this: your potential boyfriend, your girlfriend, and the guy who could be her real mate if you admit to her that the two of you getting married is a bad idea. By now you should see where Papabear’s going with this. You might think you’re doing her a favor by hiding the truth, but you’re really not. Time to ‘fess up, hon. Hugs, Papabear Dear papa bear,
I am a natural-born female, but I identify as genderfluid (this means at times I'll feel female but at other times I feel like I'm a male—and should have been born one). This took some time to figure out. Now my question: As a female I'm bisexual, but as a male I'm gay. I'm open to finding a mate of either gender, but I find it a bit difficult to explain to them how I am. Keep in mind my mental gender changes time to time, day to day, but my physical gender will not be changed. How could I explain something like this to them without seeming like a person who can't pick a gender or sexuality? This took me years to figure out about myself; it’s just explaining it to others because it would be great to find a mate (that, though, is something I'm working on myself =^^=) Thank you, Sparkplug the Fox * * * Dear Sparkplug, What’s wrong with explaining it to them the way you just explained it to me in this column? Sparkplug, you have spent literally years thinking about this and coming to conclusions about what genderfluid is and what it means to you. That makes you eminently more qualified than Papabear to explain what genderfluid is, and I think you’ve done a fine job of succinctly defining it right here. Your problem isn’t that you don’t know how to explain genderfluidity (not sure even if that is the right word), it’s getting up the courage to talk about it in front of someone you like and might be interested in as a love interest. And the way to do that is to not apologize for who you are. And if questions are asked about that, explain how you feel honestly and bluntly. If someone can’t or won’t understand who you are, it is their problem, not yours. Never compromise yourself to try to please others for the sake of a relationship, because that will land you in a dishonest relationship. One glorious day you will run into someone who loves you for you. When that happens, grab onto them and hold tight. Wishing You Love, Papabear Dear Papabear,
First, I'd like to say thank you reading this, I've always received help on your advice. I'm going to make this to the point: for a while I've been planning a trip to St. Louis in the summer to see my mate. Now I have the money required and a place to stay, but the thing is my parents don't know that I have been planning this or that I'm a furry. I don't know how to ask my parents if I can go or not due to them always being overprotective. I truly want to see him, so I guess my question is, what's the best way to convince them to let me go? Thank you in advance, sir. -Rune (age 17) * * * Dear Rune, Since you are still 17, you realize, of course, that you can’t go traveling without your parents’ permission to do so, unless you want to be considered a runaway (or if you go through the rather difficult process of declaring yourself independent of your parents—that is, legal emancipation, which is uncalled for in this case). And you’re not going to get their permission to go visit some person they don’t know and have never, apparently, met. Really, your being a furry has nothing to do with your dilemma. But I suspect what is important here is that you’re gay. If you’re parents don’t know that, then you should really work on that confession before you go running off to have fun with your boyfriend. Let’s say that they do know you’re gay. Great! You still have the sticky issue that they don’t know you have a boyfriend and who that person is. From your letter, I read between the lines and interpret your situation to be thus: you’re a gay furry with conservative parents and you have not told them anything about who you really are. If this is the case, then there is no way you’re going to be able to convince them to allow you to travel to another city by yourself to meet someone they have never met. They, as your parents, are responsible for your welfare and have every right to know where you are, what you are doing, and with whom. Now, you could wait until you are 18, move out of the home, find a job to support yourself, and THEN, as a responsible adult, go and see your friend in St. Louis. Or, you could tell them what’s really going on, have them meet this potential love of your life, and, if all goes well and they like him and understand what’s going on, ask for their permission to visit him by yourself in St. Louis. The only way you’ll be able to convince your parents of anything is if you are honest with them. Any other alternative involves lying through your teeth, feeding them a bunch of bullcrap, and sneaking off to St. Louis, a plan that is very likely to backfire in your face. (My bear sense was telling me that by “convince” you meant “persuade through deception and half-truths,” but I could be wrong). Please write again if the above was not helpful. Good luck! Papabear Dear PB,
My problem is not strictly one relating to the furry world but is a side effect of such. A little background about me. I am 19 years old, I am a Britfur, and I've always been very open about who I am. Well, okay, that last statement is a lie. I was a closeted fur for around 5 years before coming out recently. And may I say, it was the best decision I made. Having been to several meets and already booked for Confuzzled next year, the furry community is the most accepting I've ever encountered. So much so, that it was to a fur I first revealed to somebody I wasn't involved with about my pansexuality and feminine qualities. I am a HUGE femboy and whenever I am around my friends (and strangers) I feel confident enough to stride around in my girly outfits and flirt with everyone. Life is great. Except when I come home. I live with my parents. They know I am a furry. But they don't know anything else. They have no idea about my sexuality or gender identity. All my girl clothes I keep in a box I have stashed under the floorboards. I do all the washing for them myself and I only ever do it when I'm home alone. I don't have the confidence to tell them about who I really am. I'm always afraid that they'll treat me differently and unlike the situation with general people where the attitude “if they don't like it; you don't need them” applies, this is my family. I can't just walk away from them. They've already done so much for me in ways I cannot explain publicly. But I digress, and the point is that I don't want to live this lie in front of them. I don't think I'll be living with them much longer but it's gnawing away at every brain cell I have. Well, that was a lot of explaining and ranting. Now to the problem. I want to have the confidence to tell them. But I don't. I can tell everyone else but family. And I see things replied to stuff like this all the time to the effect of "just believe in yourself" or some other nonsense. That clearly isn't going to help because it's not like I haven't told anyone. I just... I don't know ... want them to know without me telling them. Are there any ways I can do this? Or are there any ways to help be build the confidence to tell them something like this? I just need them to understand. Thank you. V (age 19) * * * Hi, V, Before I can formulate some solid advice about your question, could you tell me more about your parents? They sound like kind, supportive people, and you clearly love them. Do you know anything about their attitudes toward the LGBT community? Are they really religious and find homosexuality, bisexuality, transsexuality etc. morally offensive? Do you feel that if you told them they would be the sort of people to toss you out on the street and abandon you? Or do you just fear that "things will never be the same" once you tell them? Information like this would be helpful. Thanks for writing. Hope to hear from you soon. Papabear * * * Well, my mother is only concerned with getting more grandchildren since my older brother isn't having any more so she would be 50% okay with it. As for my father I don't know. We don't talk much. No, it's more accurate to say HE doesn't talk much. We have a biological bond but that's it. We never talk or socialise with each other and that's fine with me, it's the way he is but my mother I have a very strong relationship with. I know for a fact that they wouldn't disown me or anything like that. The reasons for this I cannot share even anonymously but I do worry that there would be a breakdown of family bonds. Especially with my mother. I always feel like there would be, as they say, an elephant in the room. Even if nothing was ever said, I can read her like a book. My father isn't religious. My mother is but not in the zealot kind of way. She's always taken a laid back approach and while she is firm in her beliefs they are accepting in general. She doesn't oppose alternative sexualities or anything. We actually talked about this stuff a few weeks ago and she's all for the gay marriage laws and the like but things are different when they're at your front door. I was raised as a Catholic, like my entire family, and I rejected it and my whole family knows that I have. I got into enough trouble with my religious studies teacher to prove it. But I feel I am digressing from the main issue here. The point is that while I don't feel that anything definitely negative would happen, I don't want to damage the bond I have with my family. With moving recently, I don't have any friends in the area. The closest I have are my friends at furmeets. Another kettle of fish is my brother. I consider my brother one of my closest friends. Growing up he was always my idol. He is 8 years older than I and he's very in the dark about things such as alternative sexualities/genders. And he's a very stereotypical “man.” And while he is super understanding and caring and I love him, I have the same issue I do with my mother. I don't want to lose him. Especially with him having his own family now, he wouldn't need me. It all feels silly reading it back to myself but the thought of 'coming out' as it were frightens the hell out of me. But keeping secrets is both physically and emotionally tiring. So, that's a little more I suppose. Thank you for responding so soon. V * * * Hi, V, All right, thanks for this information. If I have this correct, you have told your family about your being furry but not about your sexual orientation. Telling them you’re furry hasn’t changed anything, but you feel that being a femboi would. From what you’re telling me about them, I don’t think you’re giving them enough credit; your brother also seems to be pretty cool. Really what we’re dealing with here is your anxiety over changing the family paradigm. You know your family won’t reject you or put you out on the street, but you somehow feel they will love you less. Hon, if your parents love you, really love you, nothing you do is going to change that. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if they already strongly suspect—or even know—what is going on with you, unless they are completely unobservant people. You’ve gone to some pretty far extremes to keep your true identity hidden, but parents—especially moms—are a lot more observant than you think. This is the woman who has been with you since before you were born, who potty trained you, fed you, helped you to walk.... She knows who you are perhaps even more than you know yourself. This is a matter of courage, then. What is courage? It’s not about being unafraid, actually. You ask any soldier who has been in the line of fire, and he will tell you s/he was afraid, very afraid, but they did what needed to be done anyway. Only insane people are unafraid of such conditions. While what we are talking about here is not anywhere close to being shot at, we’re still dealing with fear. It’s okay to be afraid. Courage is about doing what needs doing despite your fears. Now, if you wish, you could wait until after you have moved out and gained some independence before telling them so you don’t have to face the awkward situation of living with them after talking to them, but I don’t think that’s really necessary in your case. You intimate the notion of somehow having them just find out. Well, you can do that. You could leave your girly clothes around for them to find instead of hiding them, and that would certainly initiate a “discussion.” But it would be far better if, instead of giving them a little shock of surprise and showing you don’t trust them, to instead talk to them. Here is a website that talks about the process of coming out to your parents. Some of this we have already discussed, but it also goes into what you might expect after talking to your family: http://www.glbtss.colostate.edu/coming-out-to-your-parents. Good luck! Feel free to write again if you have more questions! Hugs, Papabear * * * Hi, Papabear, Your advice and suggestions are kind and warm. And I appreciate it. What you say seems to make sense and I firmly believe in what you say. The fear is ever more apparent to me now than it ever was however, I still have the problem of how to tackle it. Not only this, I question on how to bring it up. I don't feel it's something I could just sit down and announce to them. It's not how I am. I had a period in school, many years ago, exploring my sexuality where I thought I was homosexual and I lived in fear of anyone I knew telling them. It was almost phobia level fear and, in some of my phobia cases, beyond it. I read through the article you linked me and this has raised my confidence somewhat but I am a shy and meek person when it comes to expressing my personal emotions. From many things they have already found out about me, such as being furry et cetera, my mother sometimes just says whenever we are in the car together, "you're really weird, aren't you". I don't believe she says this with any malice. She simply says it in regards to the things she knows I am into and personality quirks/flaws that are too painfully obvious to ignore. I sometimes close my eyes at night and when I wake up I hope they just know and nothing has changed but of course, tue idea is absurd. I even sometimes debate whether I should or not. I've managed to go undetected thus far, whether it is worth it. Regarding the "may already know/suspect" thing, there was another time, back during school, when she found girls underwear in my drawer which I had forgotten to hide properly and I told her the truth which really upset her. She "didn't know where it would lead". Maybe this is a source of my fear? That this would repeat again. I told her I had gotten rid of all the things I had and I believed myself it was a phase, which as it turned out all my "school phases" were more than such. I just want to take this time now however, to thank you for all your advice so far. It has already helped my confidence but I still fear rejection. Or maybe not rejection, but awkwardness and the feeling of distrust. Thank you. V * * * Hi, V, Reading your email it made me think of Divine. Are you familiar with him? He was the bizarre gay cross-dresser who starred in John Waters films like "Pink Flamingos." He became estranged from his mother (largely because of his using her credit cards, but also it was hard for her to understand him). Anyway, she wrote a book called My Son, Divine. I think it would be a good read for you. Divine loved his mother, and in the end, the two reconciled before his death of a heart attack. The story is from her perspective. Give it a look. It's a little pricey; see if you can get a used copy or borrow a copy from a library. This might sound like odd advice, but I think you'll benefit from the read. If you agree, I think it could be an ice breaker. "Accidentally" leave the book out where your mom can see it. If she asks about it, suggest she read it. Feel free to write any time. Papabear * * * I am not familiar with this but I will definitely try to find the nearest library and borrow a copy. Thank you for all your advice. I don't feel ready to come out to them just yet but I think I've conquered the first stage of getting there. I've already recommended your page on my personal FA page and advised others to do the same. I hope I wont need your advice again but if I ever do I'll contact you as soon as I can. Thank you so much. <3 Yours faithfully. V * * * Okay, V. I would not want you to come out before you are comfortable with it. Only you can judge that. Hopefully, I've given you some tools toward getting there. Good luck! Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
I am a 12th grader and I hold many responsibilities at my school. I am an excellent (B+) student, I am the coordinator of all the clubs, I make sure my classmates get the lesson, and I am president of 12th grade and supervisor of 11-9th grade. I know I will always have the respect of (most) of my classmates and maybe admiration of others? But my hormones are kicking in, and since I have a talent in drawing, I can’t let it go to waste. I get unpleasant looks whenever someone peeks at what I am busy drawing when I am free. I am doing everything into a sketchbook that I have. (I already showed it to a few that I can absolutely trust, and they don’t care about the weirdness, they still like what I can do). But with all my responsibilities, I want to "come out" as being a furry. I might not lose face with other students, and I don't mind name-calling, but I am pretty sure word can easily get out to teachers, and with them, I am always breaking rules here and there (skipping home works. being dismissed half the day...etc.). I love responsibility, and you cant imagine how much I love it! My father still fixes my plate when we are at lunch! I am not even allowed to walk to a store that's 3 KM away! I don't want to ruin my "mask," and I don't want to throw it out either. I know my teachers will think I am very peculiar and will even try contacting my own father. I just don't feel as normal discussing this topic with someone that is either way older or much younger than I am, so what are some words I can replace if I get "caught" (I know they will get into my sketchbook and call blasphemy. or even research about the furry fandom). Any good vocabulary I can use? any good quotes/comebacks or sentences or even a book I can get information out of to steer things in my favor? One other thing... I am certain the French teacher is gay (oh, the stereotypes!) last year and the year before, I would just draw innocent stuff, and mostly not related to anthros and show it off to anyone, including him. This year he keeps catching me drawing, but he has never seen the contents yet (and he is curious). But most of this sketchbook is filled with nudes. There is only 4 other people in my class I know for certain are gay, and I am excited in showing off this stuff, but is it really that okay for a teacher to see these things from a student? Things in UAE are very ... what's the word? Unorthodox? The schools director won’t punish me for carrying nudes that I can draw (but my dad might break my head in with a hammer if he finds out). In fact, people here lack talent and would actually appreciate talents, no matter how it is put to use. You make a lot of sense, so I am counting on your experience and knowledge for an answer that can relief me. THANKS!!! William (age 17) * * * Dear William, Hmm, your thinking here is a bit muddled, but I will try to unravel all the things you touch on. You are concerned, it sounds like, that being “caught” as a furry will ruin the status (academic and social) that you have at school. And you wish to “come out” as a furry (but not as gay? You don’t mention coming out as gay, just furry). The common sense first piece of advice I can give you is that if you don’t want to be caught drawing naked furries, don’t draw them in public and don’t carry around a sketch book full of porn to your classes and other school-related activities. Draw that stuff and leave it at home or some secure place. I could get psychological on you and suggest that you are doing this because you want to be caught, saving you the trouble of “coming out” in a more formal way. I’m surprised by your comment that the director at your school wouldn’t be upset by your nude drawings (I figured the UAE would be more conservative than that), but your dad would be (explaining, perhaps, why you don’t draw at home). Anyway, you are stuck between your desire to keep your responsibilities and admiration at school (guessing you don’t get this at home, judging by your comments about your father) and wanting to be yourself as a gay furry. You’re apparently under the impression that Papabear can feed you the “secret words” to use so that you can reveal your true identity and everyone will somehow be fine with that because of the way you phrase it, not because of the facts you reveal. I’m sorry, but no such magical words exist. People have asked me this question before because they are hoping beyond hope that there is a way to have their cake and eat it too (cf. http://www.askpapabear.com/letters/his-love-for-a-man-is-forbidden-in-the-unite-arab-emirates). Your choices are either: 1) continue as you are doing, keeping your drawings and gay identity to yourself; or 2) come out as a gay furry and risk being a target of prejudice and discrimination and possible prosecuteion (in the UAE) while (on the upside) knowing that you are no longer living a lie. Some people you may tell will be okay with who you are, but, inevitably, there will be people who are not okay with it. You will lose them as friends, peers, mentors, family, any one of whom could betray you in the dangerous game you are playing. This is one reason why so many LGBT people bristle when conservatives declare that being homosexual is a “choice.” Who would choose to live a life in which you are discriminated against, hated, and feared? Nobody, that’s who. William, you are 17 and soon to be leaving your high school, I’m sure. Papabear says now is not the time for you to make such a choice. There is no rush for you to “come out.” Instead, finish school, move out of your father’s home, get a job, and then you can talk about being a furry and being gay from a position of strength in which your future does not hang from the judgment of others who could harm you (preferably while living in another country). That said, I would further advise you against coming out at all because of where you live. The penal code in the United Arab Emirates specifically states that sodomy, including consensual sodomy, is a crime punishable by death. Sharia law also makes being gay a crime (if you are a foreign visitor, you are subject to immediate deportation). The good news is that, so far, no gay people have been put to death in the UAE, but imprisonment has occurred. While I appreciate your desire to come out, both as a furry and as gay, I don’t recommend it for you. I’m not sure if you draw male or female furry nudes, or both, but the furry community is often associated with the gay community because we have so many gay furries, so even if you just came out as furry, and not gay, you are putting yourself in danger. You would be wise to stop showing off your furry and gay art. The good news is, if you wish to be an artist there is a whole universe of things out there you can draw. Art can be very fulfilling, and it certainly doesn’t have to involve porn. Don’t let your teenage hormones kidnap your intelligence and lead you into trouble. I know that this can be difficult, but try and play it smart. Maybe, someday, we will live in a world where people are more understanding, but today you must be a realist. Take care, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I first of all thank you for reading my thoughts on this touchy subject. I know many people would call me "homophobe" and probably worse things, but here's my question: Why is it ok to attack and try to destroy a way of thinking and life that was what this country was formed upon then using its laws that it designed to protect that ideal to force another ideal onto its people? Now I do know a (sadly one, and she is an amazing girl, don't get me wrong) homosexual, but the idea of taking the idea of marriage and twisting it in a way that distorts its true purpose destroy the meaning of it. I also think of the Cascade Effect, when it comes to marriage rights, (no Offense) "why can't I marry a guy?" "why can't I marry my Dog," then finally my kicker, "why can't I marry my (Abiotic) Object," I know that sounds weird and stupid but I believe it would happen. Even if the right to marry were granted, there would be couples that I would go to there wedding, but what about if--(Your relationship is slightly similar based of your autobiography, but not at all like what I’m sourcing,)--A man or a woman leaves a man-woman relationship for another of the same sex? http://www.thepublicdiscourse.com/2014/09/13692/ Does that not disturb the reason for why marriage was around in the first place. If its drop-in, drop-out, why have it? Thanks for reading my Right-winged Ideals and putting up with my "close-mindedness" HaHa Goodbye Papabear. Fai Tale * * * Dear Fai Tale, I want to thank you kindly for your letter and I am very happy to respond to it. I am not going to call you a homophobe, but I am going to call you “uninformed” because opinions such as yours are arrived at whenever a person is not informed of the truth. Hatred and prejudice are based upon ignorance. For example, white racists used to sincerely believe (and there probably some around who still do) that black people didn’t have souls (OMG, right? but true!) so it was okay to enslave them, and they felt it was a crime against God (i.e., unnatural) for a black person to marry a white one. Another example: men used to think women were too stupid to be allowed to vote, and the result was that women in this country didn’t have that right until 1920. (Would you say someone like Margaret Thatcher or Hillary Clinton was too stupid to participate in the political process?) I could go on, but you get the idea about how ignorance leads one to false conclusions that are harmful to others. The best way to fight against ignorance and hate, therefore, is education. Here we go.... Let’s talk a little about the institution of marriage. For the majority of human history, marriage in most societies has been about arranging contracts between two families or two political states. It wasn’t about love at all. That’s why it was a “contract.” In tribal societies, for instance, a chief might marry his daughter to a rival chief’s son in order to stop a war and create strong political allies (also explains why having many wives made you a big shot). The same was true for royal families in Europe, for another example. For centuries, too, there were “matchmakers” hired by families to find good spouses for daughters so that their children would be provided for. Have you heard of a dowry? I still own my great-grandmother’s cedar dowry chest (one of my prized possessions). Dowries were basically a way for a family to bribe the groom’s family to take their daughter off their hands because sons made money and had careers while daughters were seen as nothing more than housekeepers, cooks, and baby factories. How romantic. Often, women were married off years before they had their first menstrual cycle. That sort of thing still goes on in the world today. For example, in Yemen, it is okay for a man to marry an eight-year-old girl (http://beforeitsnews.com/alternative/2013/09/yemen-is-a-pedophiles-paradice-nation-where-old-men-marry-preteens-pushing-little-girls-to-suside-or-death-2760910.html). It wasn’t until the nineteenth century that marriage “for love” started to gain favor among the majority of people in “civilized” societies like the United States. So, there you have the historical foundation for marriage. We had “marriage in the first place” as a formal way of having a man take care of someone’s daughter and/or to form social or political bonds of convenience. One more thing to clarify: the difference between the religious ceremony of marriage and the civil union authorized by the state. Two different things. When I got married, my fiancée and I did two things: 1) we had to get a marriage license from the local courthouse (show ID to prove residency, get blood tests, pay fees), and 2) we had to get someone to be an officiant at the marriage. In our case, this was a minister, but it doesn’t have to be; it can be a judge, justice, marriage commissioner, magistrate, a ship’s captain, or even a friend or family member who gets a temporary license to perform the ceremony. People get married in churches or temples because of their religious convictions or because of family or social pressures and conventions to do so, but it is not required that you marry in a church. The marriage is a ceremony; it is the civil union that has to do with laws, taxes, etc. What the homosexual community has really been fighting for the legal right to form civil unions. It’s partly the gay and lesbian community’s fault for creating confusion by the assertion that they want weddings in churches, thus introducing the element of religion into it, and, when you do that, people start thumping Bibles and other sacred texts in protest. What gays and lesbians really want is the same legal rights that heteros have—that is, to have rights in estate planning, raising children, visiting spouses in hospitals, etc. Ceremonies in churches are just the icing on the wedding cake. One misconception among those who are against the rights of homosexuals to marry is that the U.S. government is going to force churches to perform wedding ceremonies should this right become federally approved. Nope. There is still separation of church and state in this country, and no church or other religious institution can be forced to marry any couple if it does not wish to (that includes heterosexuals). As for the notion that gay people are somehow attacking a way of thinking and way of life, neither I nor any gay or lesbian person I know or have ever heard of is against heterosexual marriage (it’s vice versa, doncha know). I guess what you’re perhaps saying is that when homosexuals marry, it is an attack on the institution of heterosexual marriage. It is not. No one in the LGBT community is trying to destroy traditional marriage. When two men or two women get married for love, it does not cause divorce rates for heterosexuals to soar. If you want to look to anyone to blame for degrading the state of holy matrimony, look at heterosexuals. The divorce rate in this country hit 50% long before any gay people were allowed to marry. Or, look at people like Britney Spears, whose first marriage lasted three days. That’s days, not years. Is that okay because she’s straight? Is her behavior helping to uphold the “sanctity of marriage”? I’m not sure what laws you think this country was founded upon, but I believe that the U.S. Constitution mentions that all people should be equal and be given the same rights under the law (federal judges have consistently struck down state laws banning gay marriage when challenged in federal court). There is nothing in the Constitution about marriage or that everyone in this country should be heterosexual. Are you saying our Founding Fathers were all fine, upstanding, moral people when it came to marriage? Hmm. I give you Thomas Jefferson, who cheated on his wife with many of his slaves (most notably, Sally Hemmings, whose children he freed while keeping her a slave). I give you Benjamin Franklin, who also fathered many kids out of wedlock and was a well-known lothario (he especially enjoyed his time with the ladies as Ambassador to France). Alexander Hamilton had to resign as Secretary of the Treasury when his three-year affair was discovered. (In fairness, there were a lot of faithful Founding Fathers, such as George Washington [my hero], James Madison [a short guy; Dolly would have kicked his ass], and John Adams). So, what, exactly, do you mean by the “true purpose” of marriage? Do you mean for procreation? Some people think that marriage should only be about giving people the socially approved legal right to have kids. Okay, so, does that mean that an older straight couple shouldn’t be allowed to marry because they are not planning to have kids? What about a war veteran who has been wounded and can no longer father a child? Should he not be allowed to marry? Infertile couples who can only adopt? And, you know, many heterosexual couples don’t want children but they do wish to be married. Would that be forbidden under your paradigm? The Cascade Effect. I love this one. It reminds me of Bill Murray in Ghost Busters telling the bureaucrat that if he doesn’t let them do something about the ghosts there will be utter chaos, including dogs marrying cats. It’s interesting that you mention that, given that I just saw the play “Anita Bryant Died for Your Sins” at a local playhouse. For those of you who aren’t old enough to remember, Anita was a singer and beauty pageant winner who began spouting anti-gay hatred in the 1970s. One of her quotes was, “If gays are granted rights, next we'll have to give rights to prostitutes and to people who sleep with St. Bernards and to nail biters." Not sure what she had against nail biters, hmm. Anyway, this talk linking gay marriage to marriage between people and animals really got going with people like Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, and Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA). (Should I mention what “santorum” has come to mean in gay slang....? No, there might be young people reading this.) Well, to counter that argument, let’s look at countries (and U.S. states) where gay people can marry. These nations include: Iceland, Norway, Finland, England, France, Belgium, the Netherlands, Spain, Portugal, New Zealand, South Africa, Canada, Brazil, Uruguay, and Argentina. Nineteen U.S. states have now legalized same-sex marriage. In none of these countries or states are we seeing a rise in people marrying horses or dogs or their favorite lamp, nor do we see any proposed legislation requesting that this be allowed. The crux of what seems to be bothering you, it appears, has to do with the article you cite in which a woman is upset that her husband has left her after announcing he is gay. She feels his actions have destroyed her family and her life. I can understand her emotions. My divorce was traumatic for both me and my now-ex. From what I have seen, there are two types of situations regarding marriages where one partner is gay. In the first (and I’ve known people who have done this) a gay man (or woman, but usually a man) marries to conceal the fact that he’s homosexual. His family or society at large frightens him and so he seeks a way to make it seem he is straight. The result is either that he remains in a marriage in which he is unhappy or he eventually realizes he can’t live a lie anymore and he gets a divorce. Now, I do have a problem with this because the man in this case is being deceitful. I can understand why it happens in a world where homophobia is rampant, but it’s still not a thing I would condone. The second scenario is what happened to me and some other friends I know: we didn’t realize we were gay at the time we got married. I know, this sounds incredibly dense of us, but it does happen. In my case, my only exposure to gay men (mostly through the media) showed them as being very effeminate. This wasn’t attractive to me, so I thought I was straight. I much later discovered bears and that pretty much awakened what was in me all along (looking back, there were signs all along, but I didn’t recognize them because my father would crush such behavior quickly). Anyway, I tried to hide my knowledge for four long years. I went to therapy at my wife’s recommendation (she knew something was wrong, but didn’t know what), but it didn’t help at all (you can’t cure being gay). We were both miserable, and then one day it just all spilled out and I confessed to her. I can’t tell you how awful this was for me, and I know it was for her, too. But, in the end, it was better for us all. She is now with a nice guy and I am with a loving partner, too, and all of us can be who we really are. I don’t have any children, and I know this can be a concern. I have a dear friend who not only went through what I did, but he also has two sons. He got a divorce and eventually told everyone why. His kids are supportive and he and his wife (like me and mine) are friends. Therefore, it is not necessarily true that when this scenario happens it destroys lives. On the contrary, when handled by mature, open-minded, intelligent, and loving people, the final results can be very positive. Remember, it is not what happens in your life that defines you; it is how you handle the challenges that life presents you. You ask, “If it’s drop-in drop-out why have it [marriage]?” Straight people get divorced; gay people get divorced; people who find out they have grown apart or are not what they thought they were get divorced. Why have it? My ex asked me once if I thought the 20+ years we were married were “a waste of time.” God, no. Those years are some of the most treasured I will ever have. I had some joyous times; I did a lot of growing up. Wasted? No way. I loved her then, and I love her now. I have never ever regretted being married to her. It was an honor. What makes marriage valuable? What makes marriage a joke? The value of marriage and weddings does not come from institutions. It does not come from churches or states. It does not come from social codes and morals. The only thing that gives marriage beauty and importance are the two people who are in that union. People give marriage its validity. If you get married because you want a big party and you want to spend a lot of money and dress up in an expensive gown, then you are making marriage a joke. You know, there is a growing trend in this country (and I have heard people say this) where the couple says, “Oh, this is just our first marriage. The first marriage is just practice.” Seriously. I am not joking. And don’t get me started on the many actors, actresses, musicians, and other show business people whose marriages are like the revolving doors at Macy’s. Marriage is risky, sure. There’s a good chance it won’t work out, whether you are straight or gay. Why do it? Because you love someone. Papabear P.S. The proper phrase is not “gay rights” or “gay marriage” it’s “human rights” and “marriage.” The use of the word “gay” in the letter was just for clarity. * * * Thanks for your response and I agree that I am a bit under informed on the homosexual side. Fai Tale * * * It's always good to ask questions. Pat yourself on the back for not just accepting what you original heard about gay people and to actually be open to other viewpoints! Papabear Dear Papabear,
I have recently found myself in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend of 2 years, as I have moved to attend college in another country. Sometime before we started dating, I had been dating a girl for 2 months and felt very strongly sexually attracted towards women. I had a massive crush on another girl in my classes throughout high school,too. Now that I've moved away from my boyfriend for college, I have become more aware of my sexual attraction for girls. To be honest, the thought of sleeping with any other guy besides my boyfriend turns me off immediately, but I find myself staring at certain parts of my new female friends at college with alarming frequency. I occasionally watch lesbian porn, and fantasize about me touching and rubbing other girls. I do love and care very deeply for my partner and very much enjoy our time together. I enjoy sex with him as well as the emotional side of the relationship. I have no desire to break up with my boyfriend. That being said, I feel as though I want to explore this deep-rooted attraction to girls without compromising the great relationship I've got going on. I'm really not keen on the idea of “opening up” the relationship, for a variety of health issues and because I wouldn't feel comfortable being touched by anyone aside from my partner, who has always expressed sadness at the idea of anyone else interacting with me sexually besides him. What's a girl to do, Papabear? The Big Bad Wolf (age 19) * * * Dear Big Bad Wolf, Are you familiar with the expression “you can’t have your cake and eat it too”? That’s essentially what is going on here. You love your boyfriend and enjoy sex with him, yet you want to have sex with women, too. Yet, you state you aren’t “keen” on having an open relationship, and your boyfriend has also expressed that he doesn’t want you having sex with anyone but him. I suspect that you are writing me because you’re hoping I can offer you a creative solution to have your boyfriend and explore sex with women, as well. But I’m not going to do that. Hon, you have a boyfriend whom you love and with whom you have a satisfying sexual relationship. Do you know how many letters Papabear gets from people praying every day that they were in your shoes? Why would you give up something like that for a meaningless fling with some girls you don’t even care about? I understand that sexual urges are powerful, but take a moment to think this through. One of the myths about bisexuals is that they are incapable of having a monogamous relationship because nobody can have monogamy with two genders at the same time. That’s really poppycock. Bisexuals can be monogamous, just like anyone else. Let’s take a moment to imagine this scenario: you decide that you want to fool around with some women at your college that you’ve met, or, perhaps, you went online and found someone. You have sex, you have your orgasm(s), and you know what follows? A very empty feeling, because you’ve had sex with someone you really don’t care about; it was just sex. Meanwhile, even if your boyfriend never finds out about what you did, you can’t hide from the guilt you feel. It eats inside you and you start getting terse with your boyfriend. You’re not really sure why, but it’s because your guilt is turning into anger that expresses itself inappropriately. This is the sort of thing that will destroy what was once a beautiful relationship. Please allow Papabear to save you the trouble of the 30 years it took him to figure all this out above and beyond the age you are now. If you really, truly love your boyfriend, and neither of you are okay with an open relationship, then try to put aside your urges. The first step to doing this is simple: stop watching lesbian (or any other) porn. Period. Stop exposing yourself to things that will turn you on to people other than your boyfriend. If you wish to keep him, that’s what you’re going to have to do. This is going to be very hard for you because you’re in a long-distance relationship. I hope it’s not for too long a time. The second thing to do is to communicate with your boyfriend every day. Fortunately, thanks to the modern electronic age, you can do so by phone, email, or video chat (the best). Keep him in your thoughts each day and remind yourself why you love him every day. You can even have a virtual date: have dinner together while you video chat on Skype of whatever software you use; watch the same movie; talk about your day. Third, focus on your schooling and other nonsexual activities (hobbies, clubs, etc.) Life isn’t all about sex, and at your age it should be a time to explore the infinite opportunities that are available to you intellectually and spiritually, as well. If you really can’t imagine yourself doing this, then you’ll need to take a long, hard look at yourself and decide what you really want. You’re very young, and maybe it’s too early for you to have a committed relationship. No shame in that, but if that’s your conclusion, then you need to be fair to your boyfriend and break it off now. But, if you see yourself with this fellow forever and ever, please try what I suggest above. Good luck! Papabear |
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