Me again. :P
So if you recall my issue from my last letter which is resolved, I have a female fursona named Cassidy. And that's the problem. Female.
I'm a born male in a Catholic house with a highly religious mother and to-scared-to-do-anything-but-more-open-minded father. I don't feel like I need to run around in a dress or pretend I have lady parts or anything, but I do have female thoughts and tendencies. And I reflect them onto Cassidy.
Cassidy emerged as a representation of my female self. That part of myself was created in the era I grew up, 1996-2008 mostly where the influence came from. Music Videos especially played a big part. The dancing! Britney Spears, Shakira, Christina Aguilera, and many other singers from that era and their videos got to me and I felt a strong connection.
I feel alive when I dance like them, just provocative hip moments and dropping it low. It's not, nor has ever been about sex but just having fun...teasing I guess. I don't know, it's hard to explain. How versed are you on 2000s Music Videos with Pop Divas? XD
My Dad is a DJ so I've been around music my whole life. All kinds. So it's very important to me and has had a huge impact on my life. I can't go a day without it!
I have some pictures of Cassidy I've had commissioned and some I've drawn myself that are female, but none NSFW or whatever. Just female in provocative and slightly revealing clothes (another 2000s reference. Mostly the art is of the shirt from the Ciara - Goodies video and the pants from Christina Aguilera - Dirrty) and that's how I like it. Just how I imagine myself in it. Sometimes my parents ask questions. I just say it's a character and since the page I'm drawing on and my room are so covered in random other characters and doodles I don't think they've picked up on the 1 character who is consistently every where.
Body image is also a big part. I'm not super skinny, but I'm not big. I'm kinda average I suppose, some extra fat and some man boobs. I've been working out in an effort to lose the belly fat but the boobs...I kinda like. I've had them forever and my mom says they'll go away but I kinda don't want them to.
Next issue; parents. The religion plays a big factor but mostly just acceptance from the norm is the struggle. I decided to shave my legs and was immediately ostracized for it. And when I was little, way young, like 6 and I saw those music videos I did the dancing and my parents told me to never do it again. They said it was only for females to do, same when I sang women songs (Do It To It - Cherish and Me & You - Cassie come to mind.) so there's always been a gender barrier. I think they might know...or at least guess. I played with Barbies and Polly Pockets when I was little, never whatever boys played with. I always played the girls. They seem to have faith though, they ask about girls and stuff. I get hit on A LOT, maybe a dozen times each year at my school. And not even subtly. I don't exactly come off like Cassidy to people, which is a good thing I suppose so I don't get bullied like crazy at school. I do make my opinions and love for music known at school however. My song choices are also signs but nobody cares. Body language is huge as well. I position my hands and legs kinda like a gay person when I sit. Not to be offensive but just, not manly if that makes sense. Cause I'm not manly, nor am I gay.
And on an interesting note, a few weeks ago my Dad off handedly called me 'furry' which caught me way off guard and my heart stopped. I've been making my own Halloween costumes for 3 years and last year I did Rocket Raccoon with a full on fursuit head which was awesome but I never mentioned furry...and yes, they did watch CSI while it was on. Oh boy. But they tend to forget things so I don't think they know about the sex as the first thing they think of when they think furry. But I've never asked so I'm not sure.
I know there will never be a day when I can wake up and suddenly look like a mid 20s female pop singer furry, but even just reflecting a bit of who I am would be nice. But that's strictly prohibited in my house.
It becomes even harder when you learn that I have a brother who is the most masculine thing ever. He works out, does ALL the martial arts, has the temper of a bull and isn't afraid to hit anyone, family or not, and all the girls love him also. That last bit is the only similarity between us and my parents go to town with it. He's younger than me but a force to be reckoned with. I've tried to just have a chat with him about my thoughts but he's like a brick wall. I don't even know if he has emotions other than rage and not rage.
I'm very musical and the songs I like to write and sing are also female which sucks because then I can't sing them! I have hundreds of songs I'm holding on to until maybe one day I can sell them to a record label or something. I try play up the masculine thing though for my YouTube, so that if there's a chance a big label sees it, they think I'm an exploitable teen idol rather than some gender confused f*ckwit who sings.
When I was little I also was told my brain did more than normal. More thinking, more processing, whatever. I look to much into things and let bad things hold me for a long time. Take that information as you will.
My Dad tries to get me into cars, talks about women, sports, all that. But I just don't care. Even rock music or metal is not my thing. I don't do any typical man things (referring to the M word here.) and I love long hair and hate dirt. And with all these thoughts, and this is just my stupid brain here, I think I have legit extra female hormones in me. I don't have ANY body hair. Any where visible when wearing underwear. And whatever shows up is short, fine, light in color, and I remove it immediately. Which is even crazier when you ALSO learn I'm half Mexican and Italian. A MEXICAN ITALIAN WITHOUT BODY HAIR?! Madness.
My nails are not even comparable to other guys, they're well kept and perfect without any products used. Even women are envious of my finger nails which is weird for a guy to say, but then again, I'm not really a guy. I've got full lips, a...big butt. Nothing guys normally have. Which makes sense but not in the perfect male image my parents are trying to force onto me.
So all my female qualities, or desired female qualities, are placed onto Cassidy, my female civet fursona. And I've been taking more steps into becoming a furry artist for the fandom which might be even harder to hide.
My question is, how do I explain this to my parents? Not that I need a sex change or binders or anything, but just that I want to be allowed to express female tendencies. I'm asexual, uninterested in relationships which will also not be good for them to hear. A fursuit would help, Vancofur is so close!! But parents again. And the lack of said suit. Should I just wait it out? Do I even NEED to tell them? What if they find out? Paranoia is a horrible thing.
My parents don't believe in psychological help or anything which is good and bad. Good in that there won't be a pill to take every morning because I'm clinically whatever and I can work myself out of slumps without knowing I'll always have them. But bad because God is the answer. If they find out I'll get the furry exorcised out of me.
Even in this letter to get help I'm rethinking everything I type. Don't dare speak to me, I ramble way worse than I type.
Feel free to ask me questions if my ramblings are not making sense, or if you need some good 2000s music recommended. Cause you wouldn't be the first. ;3
Thank you so much for listening!!! ^w^
~Luv from Cassidy
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Sexual preference and “feminine” vs. “masculine” behaviors are complete different things. Just because you like music performed by women, like to dance like one, and exhibit what would now be considered effeminate behavior doesn’t make you gay. What you are struggling against, then, is not an issue with your sexuality but, rather, an issue with social standards, and social standards are something that changes over time.
For example, did you know that in Roman times it was considered effeminate to sport a goatee? Did you know that the color pink was not considered a girl’s color until the 1950s? Did you know that little boys used to be dressed in cute little dresses back in the nineteenth and early twentieth centuries?
Feminine and masculine standards are in flux. Another example would be the fairly recent phenomenon of “metrosexual” dress and hygiene care adopted by many men; and, in Europe, male attire can often be much more effeminate than here in this country (you’d never catch an urban Frenchman in overalls or a plaid shirt and cowboy boots.)
You don’t need psychiatric help. There is nothing wrong with you. Just because you don’t match today’s standards of masculinity doesn’t mean you have a mental problem. It just means you are in a different place than most of society. And society always considers anyone abnormal who doesn’t conform to the currently accepted behavior, even if that “acceptable” behavior standard is mutable over the generations.
On the other side of the coin, it has become acceptable—especially since the 1960s (but the WWII era, when women stepped up to the plate at home, building the war machine and filling the gap left by men at war, was really the spark, I think)—for women to behave in more masculine ways. Women wearing pants, getting jobs, playing sports like baseball and even football would have been out of the question not very long ago.
Just as ideas of femininity have changed, so, too, has masculinity in this country. This, again, has to do with a changing society and changing role models. The gangsta culture you see, for example (and that your brother is rather adopting) is the result of overcompensation for the lack of strong male figures (which is why it originated in poor urban areas where fathers are often absent). We are lacking strong male models of the traditional sort because our country has changed. In our country the wilderness has been tamed, the country settled and civilized. The old models of rugged frontiersman, cowboy, explorer, hunter, prairie settler, gold prospector, etc. are gone. In their place, we have bankers, stock brokers, lawyers, politicians, movie moguls, pop stars, actors, and pro and college athletes battling it out in controlled environments. If a football player gets a boo boo, he is rushed to medical attention because he’s a financial investment vs. the Roman gladiator who toughed it out, fighting lions while his leg was broken (although I’ll give a nod to hockey players whom I’ve seen play long periods with broken ankles and concussions).
The masculine model for many, therefore, is a guy in an expensive suit sitting behind a desk and drinking Earl Gray from a porcelain teacup.
You and your brother are interesting reactions to the same situation: your brother went hypermasculine, and you went “feminine.” Both are because you are struggling with the idea of what it means to be a man because of the hole left by the loss of old stereotypes.
You remind me of one of my favorite characters on TV: Raj from “The Big Bang Theory.” He has many qualities considered feminine, but it’s made clear that he is heterosexual. You could give that as one example to your parents, if you like.
In short, just tell your parents you’re not gay; you just aren’t as masculine as your younger brother. You don’t need therapy; you’re fine just as you are. There’s really nothing to apologize for, explain, or fix.
Just be you.
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