His Mom Thinks He Should Try Women to Test Whether He Is Truly Gay

Hey Papabear, it’s Wolfthorne again.

I know that you just responded to a letter of mine recently, but lately I've been starting to think about some things. Since coming out to my Mom, you know, I've kinda have been trying to understand why I'm gay. And obviously, pornography is a big one, and snuggling a guy, regardless of orientation, causes me to have thoughts and feelings. 

Me and my mother went to dinner one evening, and I really do value our relationship, so she you know petted me on the head, and I nuzzled in (furry humor), and she was talking about, but in a very nice way, saying that I should go to a gym and try to see if girls would come up to me, and I kinda, has a facial expression of smiling and ":\". She then added, "Don't knock it till you try it, son."

And then after hearing that, I'm like, "Huh. Maybe I should give woman a try, because I never had made an attempt thereof." Not that I'm disgusted to try, but I really need to start thinking about what's on the inside other than just the outside, right? But me not really understanding women all that much or know exactly how to talk with one makes it difficult to relate to than a guy, and I don't know why its easier talking with guys then girls, and perhaps it was my religious upbringing that caused it since I couldn't date outside of the church or anything. I kinda want to know more "wholesome" ways other than porn and sex, if there is a way where I can be swooned by one, if at all. Then my sexuality will narrow down, and I don't feel like I can just rely on a shortcut, in this case, porn, to feel if I'm gonna have to cross my legs. Because there's way more to life then just sex, right?

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I shouldn't think about this at all, but I feel as if I don't at least try, I'll always wonder about it. 

So I guess my question is, should I try to date women to see which way I'll swing and are there wholesome ways to find out what I'm really attracted to? Same thing goes with guys, other than sexual thoughts and porn are there other wholesome ways to find out why this is the way I work?

Wolfthrone (age 22)

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Dear Wolfthorne,

Yes, there is more to a relationship than sex! You should never base a relationship just on the sexual aspect of it. That’s a recipe for discontentment, no matter how awesome your partner might be in bed.

On the other paw, sex is an important part of any healthy relationship. If you are not attracted to someone—both what’s inside and what’s outside—then you’re not going to be completely happy, and people who are not completely happy tend to wander and stray....

Are there “wholesome” ways to meet people? Oh, absolutely! You know, here in Palm Springs there are several gay bars (I don’t go; they’re tiresome to me), and I know people who go there and it is like Desperation City, where men are trying to hook up with other guys and they don’t seem to care about anything other than if you are handsome and have a nice package and, hopefully, money. Breathtakingly shallow. And the result is they are all very sad people who have little luck with relationships. (That’s the majority, which is not to say I don’t know some happy gay couples who go to these places just to have a drink, dance, and hang out).

Anyway, what I’m saying is don’t go to bars. Don’t go to hook-up sites. Also, porn sites set you up for disappointment as they are incredibly unrealistic. What you should do is become active in your life (I’ve said this many times in this column) and meet people at places and doing things that you enjoy. For example, say you really love dogs and have a couple as pets. You could take them to a dog park and meet others like yourself, strike up a conversation, and build friendships and more.

As for men vs. women. As you know, I’ve had both, and I’ve had very good relationships with both, but now I’m with a man. There are few people who are 100% gay or 100% straight; sexuality is a spectrum of color, not a black-and-white checker board. The thing is not to force or make yourself date one or the other. Let it come organically. In your case, you are naturally attracted to men and you feel uncomfortable around women. Why do you think that making yourself date a woman would change that? Do you think having sex with a woman would change your mind about men? Well, you could try, but I highly doubt it. While your mom is being very gentle about this, she is clearly employing a tactic to try to make her son “not gay.”

That all said, there’s no reason you can’t try and make friends with some women and see where it goes. It’s good to be open minded about it, and you could end up forming some very nice friendships.

Here’s the thing, though. If you start going out with a woman, do not try to hide your past. If you pretend to be straight and she falls in love with you, it could be very heartbreaking for her if you decide to go back to guys. Be open about what you are doing. If you meet a woman you like, tell her you like her and ask her out to dinner or something, and explain yourself. Believe it or not, there are some women who like a challenge (and honesty!) I’ve heard this line before: “You only like men because you’ve never met a real woman.” Yowsa.

How one establishes his or her sexual identity is a vastly complicated process, and there is no telling where it might lead. You could be the antithesis of me, and, instead of thinking you like women but then, late in life, discovering you prefer men, you might do just the opposite.

What I’m saying is don’t try to force love and affection. The best thing to do is to expose yourself (er, with pants on) to as many people as possible. This increases your chance of finding someone who makes your heart beat faster. You’ll know it when you experience it. Whether that is a man or a woman is actually irrelevant. Look for a good soul.

Don’t stress, my furry friend. Relax.... just have fun!

Hugs,

Papabear