Dear Papa Bear,
I am a new furry, and ever since deciding that I am a furry, I feel much happier with myself. Despite this, I face a major issue with myself, I often times feel as though my human self is not adequate compared to my fursona. From what I gather, many furries are simply artistically furry, only being furry online. I see an additional group of furries that fursuit, go to conventions, etc. But I have yet to see any furry like myself, I'm not trying to say I am unique, I am only concerned. It's hard to put into words, but essentially I wish I was my fursona, inside and out. I dream of having fur, a tail, ears, muzzle (I'm a wolf btw) and everything else. I dream of having to have holes in my pants for my tail to fit, holes in hats for my ears to fit. I want to be a furry, but it scares me for so many reasons... It scares me because I might lose all my family and friends, it scares me because I might not ever be successful because of prejudice, it scares me because, in all honesty it's only possible when I'm dead and in the heavens above. So overall Papa Bear, I guess I'm looking for advice on what a young furry is supposed to do when all they want is the impossible? Thanks, Z-Man (age 17) * * * My Dear Z-Man, It might seem like it because you are still new to furry, but you actually are not alone. There are quite a few furries who feel as you do. Me, for one. I find humans rather ugly, really. Snouts and fur and tails are beautiful, wings, too, and I wish I looked like my alter ego. There are some furries—and some who don’t necessarily think of themselves as furry, but are in a group that many associate with us—who feel they are their fursona self, either physically or spiritually or both. These people fall into either the Therian or Otherkin groups. Therians consider themselves, in one way or another, to be animals (wolves, bears, etc.), while Otherkin consider themselves to be what many would consider fantastical beings (elves, faeries, dragons, etc.). How true that is is a matter for considerable debate. I feel myself connected to bear in a spiritual way, but don’t believe I actually am ursine. I do have a spirit bear, though :-) As you have come to realize, to actually take the form of, in your case, an anthrowolf would be inviting great difficulty into your life. I was once at a con where Uncle Kage (Sam Conway, who is one of the furries who heads Anthrocon and is a frequent speaker on behalf of furries) gave a talk about what it would be like if people could actually be their fursonas. How would they adjust to life in the real world? Even such mundane things as clothing and furniture would be difficult (you mention a hole in the pants for a tail—well, try stuffing your tail through that every day—annoying). Being able to talk when your mouth is shaped like a wolf’s would be nearly impossible (I would imagine a new type of language would have to develop). Most disturbing, though, would be the instant prejudice furries would face from the human race. We’d be “freaks.” We wouldn’t be allowed to get jobs or go to school or live in neighborhoods with humans. Total alienation would result. The only way it might possibly work would be if everyone were a furry. But, I imagine, if that happened, we’d be faced with new prejudices, such as wolves against rabbits, bears against tigers, and so forth, prejudices that would be even more pronounced than our current racial troubles because the differences would be much more physically obvious. There are people in the real world who have had body modifications in order to look more like an animal. The most extreme example that I can think of was Dennis Avner (aka Stalking Cat). He tattooed his body with stripes, put implants in his cheeks to make them more pronounced, teeth were filed into fangs, ears surgically modified to be pointed, even whisker implants and a robotic tiger tail became a part of him. He was a tiger in his soul, as well, adhering to Native American spiritualism, which is where he got his feline name. In the end, he died in what was an apparent suicide (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/13/dennis-avner-stalking-cat-dead-suicide_n_2122947.html). The poor man must have been very unhappy deep down inside. Did he die because he concluded he could never be fully who he wanted to be? Or perhaps because he realized just how much he had destroyed his body and the realization was too much of a shock? Perhaps he could simply no longer bear existing within human society? Only he knew. There is a theory that furries are the way they are because they reject being in the human race, or even have what might be called “species identification” issues. This would be rather akin to what psychologists called “gender identity disorder” in which, for example, a boy identifies with being a girl and feels as if he were born the wrong gender. I, personally, don’t like calling it a “disorder.” Species identification “complex,” shall we say, would be the extreme end of the spectrum compared to furries who are merely hobbyists. That’s how it all started, after all, as a hobby, and that’s how many furries say it should remain. A small group of people meeting at science fiction conventions who liked to talk about fiction involving anthropomorphized characters are the ones who founded the modern furry fandom. But to a large portion of the fandom—sometimes called “lifestylers”—it is much more than that. You fit into this latter group. Okay, so we’ve established you are not alone and we’ve established that actually becoming your fursona in a physical way is neither realistic nor practical, possibly even harmful. You also mention a bit of wishful thinking that, after you pass on to the next life, you will be able to be your fursona in the other world—a thought that frightens you. Again, I empathize. My spiritual teacher, who is a bear therian, truly believes he will rejoin with Mother Bear in the next world. I would love it, too, if I could achieve my true form after this life. But let’s not rush into anything. Papabear believes we are given this life in order to learn from it, in order to accomplish something in this life. For instance, my teacher, Blackbear, founded a nonprofit in order to help save bears and also to educate dunderheads (“civilized people” who have only witnessed wildlife on TV and movies) how to behave properly when camping in bear territory (http://www.byronbear.com/default.asp or on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/pages/Byron-T-Bear-Foundation/120005704736959). After decades of struggle, I now believe that Papabear was put here to write this column. Years ago, if I had succeeded in my suicide attempt during one of the most troubled times of my life, I would not be here today to help others. You are here, too, to help others in some way, but you haven’t found that purpose quite yet at the tender age of 17. So, please do stick around and don’t wish for that final day, which will come soon enough, believe me. You are not alone in wanting the impossible. But wishing for the impossible is how we dream. There was an author named Charles Lutwidge Dodgson. You might be familiar with his other name: Lewis Carroll. He loved a girl named Alice, the daughter of Henry George Liddell, the dean of Christ Church College, Oxford. Carroll took a lot of photos of Alice, and he was truly enamored by her, though, she being just a girl, of course he could do nothing about it. Instead, he created a magical world called Wonderland that Alice, in his mind, could inhabit. There is one scene in Through the Looking Glass in which Alice is rescued from the woods by a knight whom many interpret to be Carroll. The knight, though heroic, is physically awkward (rather like Carroll). If you read the scene, there are few things as heart-wrenching as when the knight bids Alice farewell and she, crossing the last brook to go on her way, is transformed into a queen and leaves his life forever, just as Alice eventually left Carroll to live her life. Alice goes on to conquer the Red Queen, awakening to speculate that perhaps she, too, is just a dream. What is more real? Reality or our dream of reality as it should be? Our imaginations, our hopes and dreams are just as real as houses and schools and taxes and politicians and jobs. They are just as much a part of us and they make us who we are. Our physical form is a mere illusion. What is in your heart is what is real, Z-Man. Even if people—including you—cannot see your tail.... it is there. Hugs, Papabear
4 Comments
Haya Papa Bear,
I have a problem. I have a very indecisive personality and it normally Isn't such a bad thing, but lately I have had so much trouble with sticking to one character as my fursona. I am never happy with it and when I finally am ... I change anyway as something will be off. It started when I changed my first real fursona who was an orange/blue/pink wolf/dog/fox/snake everything else mix named Ruby. I decided after a long time and a lot of name calling by others in the fandom to change to a more natural and not "woof" character and made a lynx named Ruby. I stuck with her for a while and even made a suit of her, but I was always changing bits like if she had a long tail or short or if she had wings or not ¬.¬ It was hell. I ended up making many more new fursonas from dog to raptor. I had to change the name as other people had picked them for me and even now with Mazzy Pan I am finding it very hard to keep her the same... I loved her as a horse but made excuses to change her like " I don't wanna be seen as a Brony, they are freaks" ¬.¬ that’s worse since I am a "Brony" myself , so I changed her to a raptor who is cute and frankly funny .... but now even thou I have said I love her .... I am finding it hard to keep her. I want to change all the time. I can not keep changing. It's not fair on my friends who draw me. It has made it so I am a bit of a joke around people. "So what are you today?" It's so bad that when I talk to people they go throw about 5 furry names till they get to the new correct one! It's annoying ... and I don't understand why I do it all the time. Any help? Love, Mazzy * * * Dear Mazzy, Gee, hon, having a fursona should be a fun thing, not the chore you’re turning it into. First of all, don’t worry about what other people think of your fursona. Don’t fret about whether or not they approve of the species (or mix of same), or whether you are a pony as in MLP (please note that just because you pick an equine fursona doesn’t make you a Brony), or what the name is, or color, or whether you are mythological or paleontological or a modern, real critter. This is about you, not them. The reason many people like you are indecisive is because they are overly concerned about other people and what they think. But this is often not just a behavioral thing, but rather something that is ingrained in your biology. A study recently showed (http://www.livescience.com/6291-study-sheds-light-people-shy.html) that about 20% of the population has Sensory Perception Sensitivity (SPS). As the name implies, it makes one highly sensitive to one’s surroundings, and the sensory overload can make one shy and introverted. I’m not saying this is what is troubling you, but it might be. But not only should you not choose a fursona because of others’ opinions, you should also not worry if you are indecisive because of how your indecision affects others. Mazzy, first and foremost put aside all worries and guilt. Next, try and calm your mind. Take an inventory of what you really like and don’t like. What do you like physically about a fursona character? What colors do you like? What personality traits? Don’t even worry about a species, just pick traits. In writing classes I took in college, they sometimes did an exercise called “free writing.” This is when you just write down anything that pops into your head. The thing to do is just continue writing without pause. And don’t censor yourself. If it pops into your mind, write it. Even if it doesn’t make sense to you at first. Do this for about 10-15 minutes. Just write about furry and what you like about fursonas. Then, put the page aside for a day. Come back to it the next day and see what you wrote. Take the features you like and then compile them into your fursona. You can look at the words on the page, too, and see if they help you come up with a name. For example, maybe you wrote words like Bright and Cheerful and could call yourself “Sunny.” Just a random possibility. Heck, you might even invent a new species (I’m reminded of the Skiltaire, the fictional species that became the mascot of the Prancing Skiltaire party). Try this exercise and see what you come up with ... and let me know! Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I have a problem with fursona-hopping. I have been a furry for at least four years and I've gone through at least four different fursonas in the last year trying to find one that fits me. Every fursona I pick in the beginning seems to be a great choice because I love the animal and I think it fits my personality. In a few months I abandon the fursona and move on to a new one. I always feel unattached and not familiar to a fursona after a month or two. I want to be able to identify with a fursona that is me and will stick with me for years. Is there anything I can do to stop this and finally settle down with a fursona that’s right for me? Ameru (age 14) * * * Dear Ameru, It’s not uncommon at all for a furry to switch fursonas multiple times before settling on one or more that suits them best. Some people switch more than others. I switched from wolf to dragon and finally to bear. Each animal represented a different phase of my life: wolf as a child, wanting to be part of a pack; dragon as a teenager, wanting to be strong and alone; bear as a man, wanting to be lazy, friendly, and big and hairy LOL. Oh, and briefly, I was a chipmunk as a kid because I really liked Chip & Dale, hee hee. When I was a wolf and a dragon, though, I didn’t know about the fandom yet. Maybe that’s why I wasn’t so concerned about my fursona selection. Being a bear as an adult was a natural choice for me because the bear is also my primary animal on the Medicine Wheel and because of certain, well, other preferences I have with real people that I won’t get into since you’re only 14. Your difficulties at your age with fursona selection are completely understandable because they reflect the struggles you and every teen goes through in discovering just who they are. This is why a species of animal fits you one day and not the next. Because you are changing almost daily as well as you discover yourself. Papabear’s advice to you is to not fret that you are having difficulty with your fursona. Instead of trying to nail it down for eternity, go ahead and change your skin as often as you like. In fact, the more you try, the better off you will be because you will have the advantage of learning the pros and cons of each species (or hybrid) and you will learn a lot. When the time is right, the perfect fursona will come into being for you. That’s how it was for me and Grubbs. Even the name of my bear side just came to me and I knew it was right. Be patient, don’t force it, and let it come naturally to you in it’s own time. Hugs, Papabear I have a little problem. I don’t know what to do. This is the problem: a fur [is] accusing me as a fursona stealer. His name is J--- C------. He is attacking my Facebook friends. He is threating them. And me. He tells me I stole his fursona. Well two weeks ago a fur friended me. He was a pig fur. Name J--- in Savannah, Georgia. JC accused me of stealing his pig fursona. Then he is posting on Facebook and other websites, saying I’m a fursona stealer. This is not true. I never steal anyone’s fursonas. But I already blocked him and reported him. But he is creating bunch of accounts telling all the furs who are on my Facebook friends list that I’m a fursona stealer. Cause of this I lost J as my Facebook friend. So J blocked me. On both accounts I tried to tell him. But JC is still posting somewhere, telling all the furs I’m a fursona stealer. Plus I been warned 3 times on Facebook. If he keep doing this, I might lose all my Facebook friends and my Facebook accounts. I already block JC on both accounts. But he is still posting that I’m a Fursona stealer. I don’t know what to do. Can you please give me advice?
Thanks, Brownee Bear * * * Dear Brownee, All of this is very immature trolling on JC’s part. It’s also immature of your so-called friends to unfriend you because of some unsubstantiated accusations by some derp. True friends would believe YOU and not this troll, who is just doing this because he is a pathetic worm with nothing better to do with his life than make other people feel bad. Papabear knows you personally, Brownee, and if you want to send them my way I will vouch for you that you are not a thief and do not steal people’s ideas about fursonas. There’s a couple of things about fursonas, while we’re on the topic. 1) They are not copyrighted, and so, to be honest, they are kind of fair game if someone wants to “steal” one. 2) People who do steal fursona ideas from other people are just showing how unoriginal their thinking is, but are not committing a crime. 3) You can report “stealing a fursona” to FB admins, but they probably won’t take the complaint seriously, so I don’t know why FB is warning you about this. So, Brownee, the point is, your real friends will stay true to you, like me! You do not have to worry about losing your real friends because they won’t believe this B.S. Secondly, and I think I’ve told you this in private conversations before, you shouldn’t worry about the rantings of a derp because they are not to be respected. The only opinions that should matter to you are those that come from people who deserve respect. If you really still care, though, I would go back in your post records, as far as you can go, and find the first time you posted anything related to your fursona and show it as evidence of when you started using that fursona. I’m not sure what evidence this other person has. Do you use the same fursona name? Does the fursona look the same? I mean, if both fursonas are pigs, and there isn’t much unique about them other than they are pigs, that is not really evidence of stealing. If there were, on the other hand, unique characteristics they both share (say, both pigs have purple hooves, wear leather jackets, have an ear ring in the left ear, and go by the name Percy) then there might be a problem. I guess the best way for me to determine that is if you sent me a jpeg of both fursonas to look at. Anyway, Brownee, you really are letting yourself get overly flustered over this. It’s just a fursona and a troll who is a big fat derp. Your real friends will stick by you, and any friend who drops you because of this is not a real friend. So, you know, chill, bear. Hugs, Papabear Hello Papabear!
I've been following your advice column since I discovered it late last month. Having said that, I feel confident that you could tackle my micro-issue at your leisure. My question to you: What happens to your fursona/fursonae when you die? I am considering passing them on to other responsible persons (or just one person) to enjoy, role play, fursuit, etc. so that they don't go to the grave/afterlife with me. Is my suggestion even feasible or practiced in the furry fandom? Either way, thank you for spending your time on me. I'm kinda new to the fandom so I really appreciate your advice. From Texas with love, Skyote * * * Hi, Skyote, and Welcome to the Fandom, What a fun question, and thanks for posing it. The answer depends on what your fursona means to you. For some furries, it is just a name they go by when they are hanging with their fellow furries; for others, it is much more personal. Grubbs Grizzly is my alter ego and very much a part of me and who I am. Therefore, when I die, that fursona goes with me in spirit. (Oh, sure, someone else could take up the name Grubbs Grizzly, but it won’t be the same.) However, I can’t pack up my fursuit and take it to the Other Side with me, so I am leaving that in my will (if it’s still wearable 100 years from now LOL). If you wish to pass along your fursona(s) identity(ies) to a friend after you go like you might a used silver tea set you inherited, you can certainly do that, but I don’t know why anyone would take it. True furries like to have their own fursonas. Half the fun of being a furry is creating a unique personality that you can assume as your own. I, personally, would feel weird calling myself Skyote, for instance, because Skyote is not me, he’s you. And I know some furries have multiple fursonas. Each probably expresses a different aspect of themselves, or they just like playing different roles. They might be more attached to one or two of those fursonas and a few others are just personalities they slip into once in a while. But, again, it’s the same thing as when someone just has one fursona. Being a furry is not like being a Trekkie, where you might decide to dress up as Lieutenant Worf or Spock or a Borg to go to a Star Trek convention. This is one reason I enjoy being a furry so much! I’m not going to show up at Califur or some other con and run into myself because no one but me is Grubbs Grizzly. To conclude, yes, it is “feasible” to give your fursona to someone after you die (which I hope is a very long way off for you), but I don’t know why you would do that. Let your friends come up with their own fursonas. Can you take your fursona with you? In spirit, sure! The physical accoutrements, like all physical things, will be left behind. Live Long and Prosper, Papabear Dear Papabear,
Thank you for reading this letter. I am a male furry. I discovered the furry fandom a few years ago, and I dream of having a fursuit. I currently have two fursonas, and that is precisely where my problem resides. My main fursona is a male, but my secondary fursona is a female. I know that this is something that most furries dislike, some even going to the point of calling people who dress in a fursuit of the opposite gender "trolls." I also live with a family with a very conservative lifestyle, which is completely against gay, bisexual and transgender people. However, I am not transgender, nor gay, nor bisexual. I am happy with my male body, and I am more than certainly attracted to members of the opposite sex. But sometimes I feel like there are certain things I can't express as a male. That is one of the reasons why I created a female character. But I am afraid of the impression that others furries might get. I am also afraid of going to a convention and being mocked because of my fursuit. Due to my family, the simple act of being here, considering the mere idea of using a female fursuit makes me feel like a criminal. So, my question is the following: Should I commission the creation of my female fursuit despite what other furries might think? Best wishes, C-Ratchet * * * Hi, C-Ratchet, Thanks so much for your letter, and what a great question! To start, let me state that anyone calling you a “troll” for dressing as a female furry doesn’t understand what a troll is, and, in fact, THEY are the ones acting like trolls! A “troll” is someone who deliberately attacks, flames, causes arguments, and otherwise upsets people for no good reason (some nasty people get their rocks off by hurting others; it helps them forget what miserable people they themselves are). This is usually applied to Internet behavior, but I think it could apply anywhere. You, my furiend, are not being a troll. The reason why your letter is so great is it allows me to clear the air on the social standard inanities of American society. The more cobwebs and dust gather in my fur, the more I shake my shaggy ursine head at a society that insists on imposing standards of appearance and sexual behavior on its members to the detriment of their pursuit of happiness. I begin with an exasperated “Puh-HUH!” at people who criticize what you wear in a fandom known for dressing up as animals in public. I believe that’s called “irony.” But, you see, what happens is that every clique within society sets up its own standards that, while unacceptable to those outside the clique, must be adhered to by those within (at least, it does for those with limited mental capacities). So, you find yourself in a furry fandom clique that says it’s okay to dress up as, say, a male husky, as long as you are male, but it is not okay to dress as a female with long eyelashes and perhaps some lipstick if you are male underneath the fursuit. The hypocrisy of this attitude is epic. Such judgmental people should be made to understand that they are treating you the same way that “mundanes” treat them, and that their criticism of you is just as heinous and mean-spirited as when a non-furry calls a furry a “freak” or “furvert” (and I’ve heard that many times). That makes these judgmental furs just as bad as the people they themselves criticize for not accepting them. For Papabear, one of the central points of enjoyment of being a furry is being allowed to explore other aspects of yourself. In our case, that is primarily our animal and animal-spirit side, but it also allows us to explore our sexual side, including gender roles, in fun and creative ways. Perhaps that is a reason so many LGBT people are drawn to the fandom. The standards we hold in society for how men should dress and how women should dress are artificial, made to reinforce society’s expectations of us. Like donning a military uniform as a way to psychologically condition us into conformity, men dress in masculine attire because society says that should be our role, and women the opposite. When someone breaks out of that standard, such as an effeminate gay man or a cross dresser, he is criticized and rejected because he is challenging society and must be beaten down into submission. As with the cross dresser, however, an outfit does not a gay man make. In fact, your letter reminds me of one I responded to back in March: http://www.askpapabear.com/1/post/2013/03/how-to-explain-youre-a-woman-with-a-male-fursona.html. In that case, it was a woman who, although she was happy being a woman, her fursona was male. She was exploring that side of her personality. If we were to be honest with ourselves and could block out all the voices in our heads that come from parents, other elders, church leaders, etc., and allowed ourselves to be who we really are, we would see that we all have things we enjoy, preferences in life, that can be considered both “masculine” and “feminine.” For instance, just because you are a man who likes watching football, doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a fragrant bubble bath by candlelight. Or, on the other paw, you might be a woman who loves pretty pink dresses and floral bed sheets, but you also like to go mountain biking and are a helicopter mechanic in the National Guard. People need to get over stereotypes. And that includes furries. I love how you said, “I feel like there are certain things I can't express as a male.” That is so spot on, and I’m glad you realize it. It means that you have wisely recognized that society is trying to define and limit who you are, but you have discovered that exploring things considered “feminine” is a way to more fully express yourself. Bravo! Now, as for this fear of what others will say. Two words: screw them. Ninety percent of the misery in our lives is born by the fear of what others will say about us. That is because we are social animals and crave the approval of others, a phenomenon that begins in infancy when we want our parents’ approval and continues on throughout our lives. That is what you are clearly feeling with your family, but ideally it should not be a factor within the fandom, an “outsider” society that should be inclusionary and not exclusionary. It disappoints Papabear that you have come across this attitude among furries and makes my bruin side want to kick some furry butt. Please pardon Papabear for the long-winded answer. In short, to respond to your question, please DO commission a female fursuit. Why? Because that is what you want and it will make you happy. You are not hurting anyone by doing it, and you should not respect the opinions of people who reject you because they are sheep who only understand what is dictated to them when it comes to how people dress and behave. There are two types of people in the world, C-Ratchet: those who are asleep and those who are awake. Those who are asleep go about their lives, doing what is expected of them, doing what their peers say they should do, being part of the crowd. I am beginning to wonder, in fact, if the furry fandom has become too successful, too large, and is becoming the very thing it rejected about society at large. Be one of the people who is awake. Be self-aware. Recognize that most of what society tells you is right and wrong is utter bullshit. Reconstruct your worldview. There are only three things you need to remember to be happy in life:
You only have one life. It’s very short. Live it as you see fit. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear, When I was younger I was bullied, but I would always imagine myself as a superhero named Wolf Girl. She was the queen of a planet called Tacton, had green, light-green, blue, light-blue, and yellow scales. I always imagined saving people and sacrificing myself, usually imagining myself dying in many different ways (even saving those who bullied me). But as I’ve grown older my infatuation with being the hero has lessened and being the “damsel in distress” has increased. Now I see myself as a Leafeon furry, or a wolf furry that has an injured and horrific life, but I often find I’d rather live that life than my own.... My OC Leaf, who is the furry I’d rather be, lives a now peaceful life with a husband and daughter... I have feelings for the person who owns the husband OC. I even have my head in the clouds, imagining meeting him in real life. Why would my head be in the sky wanting the horrific life Leaf suffered instead of the life I live now?... And wanting to die for others all the time... or simply wanting to die (as in the RP she always seems to die a lot but comes back to life too)? Leaf * * * Hi, Leaf, My early life has some similarities to yours. As a cub, I was bullied as well and was very much the outsider, rejected by almost all my classmates because I was shy and unathletic. I, too, imagined myself as an amazing furry, only for me it was being a dragon, usually, who was very powerful and lived in a cave with his hoard of gold but would also help knights and other adventurers on their quests. Sometimes, too, I was a wolf or a stag with a proud rack of antlers who lived in a cartoon parallel world rather reminiscent of the ones you see in “Marry Poppins” and “Bedknobs and Broomsticks.” I would say it is not uncommon for someone who is a frequent victim of bullying to have such fantasies. In fact, I think that is why a lot of young people get into furry—because they are unhappy with their lives and themselves in some way and wish to become much more, such as a skinny kid who is picked on wanting to be a muscular wolf or gorilla or some such. In your case, you prove yourself to be better than your enemies not only physically but also morally in that you save the bullies from danger, too. Now, the death scenario. This is a psychologically valid construct in that it is a kind of bid for attention. Most people who are bullied are the kind that are socially ignored by their peers. They feel invisible. In your fantasies you become this amazing heroine, and the heroism becomes all the more dramatic when you lay down your life. The result of this is that you have shown those around you how incredibly noble you are and you get psychological gratification in knowing they will weep over your dead body and miss you very much. But! How can you enjoy their sadness over your death if you are dead? Therefore, you must come back to life to observe their sadness, and then, even better, their utter joy when they see that you are not really dead. It is, rather, something you see a lot in movies, too, such as the “death” and rebirth of the Beast in “Beauty and the Beast.” Baloo does a great job of it in "Jungle Book." Why would you prefer this to the later life of Leaf when has a happy life with a spouse and daughter? For the same reason we don’t care what happens to Beauty and the Beast, Cinderella/Snow White/Sleeping Beauty/Ariel and the Prince, Robin Hood and Maid Marian, and many more after they reach that “happy ever after” stage: it’s BORING.
There is your explanation, then, Leaf. Life is more interesting when it includes tragedy, for without tragedy there is no need to be a hero or heroine, and we love heroes and heroines and enjoy imagining ourselves as them. Hugs, Papabear Hello there, Papabear,
Been a long time reading and now I find myself in need of some help. A few years ago a close friend of mine up and abandoned me for what reason I have no clue (she was a wolf fur). We both thank God we’re furries; she had such a love of wolves [that I] developed one as well, thanks to her. So I thought of myself as a wolf fur, but when she left it stung worse than anything. It still hurts and ever since I’ve been wondering what kind of fur I am, so I thought I would tell you a bit about myself and ask what type of fur you think I am. I am a shy but easygoing guy. I love jokes/pranks. I am up for just about anything, and I have always loved stuff like Marvel [comics] and what not. Also I am a big WoW nerd. I have worked in an aquarium and spent lots of time with animals of all sorts. But mostly I am laid back, easy going, even if at times I have a temper on me. If you could help me with this I would be most grateful to you. Long time reader, A Confused Fur * * * Dear Confused, Hmm, Papabear sees a pattern here: first, you determined your fursona species based on your relationship with a wolf, and now you are asking a bear to determine your best species. My advice to you, then, would be to stop asking other people to define you. To find your true fursona, it can only come from one person: you. I can give you a little guidance, however. First of all, things like liking comic books and MMORPGs has nothing to do with your fursona. Personality traits like being a prankster and being laid back do. For example, a person with a highly playful personality might be an otter; a highly aggressive, dominant person who is a bit of a loner might best be defined as a dragon; a sociable, strong personality might work best as a wolf or lion—both social species. A highly spiritual person might choose a bird like a bald eagle or red-tailed hawk, and someone who feels both fragile and beautiful would do well to be a butterfly. A mysterious and awe-inspiring furry could be a blue whale. I like bears, of course, because they combine the best of cuddliness and being laid back with strength and independence. A friend of mine who loves fast cars, motorcycles, and such stuff chose the cheetah, logically, for his fursona, and another chose a porcupine, an animal that is adorable and shy but surrounds itself with a natural defense mechanism showing his guarded side. Another way to choose a fursona is just simply your attraction to a certain kind of animal. In addition to feeling that bears match my personality because of their personalities, I am also spiritually attracted to them, and my spiritual teacher is attuned to both bears and horses. Some people, too, pick hybrids that combine what they like of two or more species. Some mythological species, such as gryphons, work well in this case. On the other hand, sometimes people choose a fursona based on an animal that is not at all like their human selves. For example, someone who is really shy and has difficulty making friends might long for the camaraderie of the wolf back and see him- or herself as a wolf; someone who has been told all his life that he/she is stupid, might decide to become a wise owl; someone who is lazy and slow might, instead of picking a sloth as their fursona, become an agile monkey swinging across the forest canopy. Being a furry can mean trying to find new ways to express yourself and what you wish to be. I hope that helps you without my actually choosing a fursona for you. Hugs, Papabear All right, Papabear, after reading nearly every question you've answered on your site I think I'll like to try and step forward with an issue that doesn't appear to have been tackled yet.
My fursona is a male fox. But I'm a female IRL. But here's the thing. I'm one of those women who feel so much more natural and comfortable being represented as a male since I've always had this fantasy of being one and I relate more to men. But at the same time, away from the fandom and IRL, I literally have no desire to physically change to the opposite gender. Not a tomboy, love my girly feminine things, clothes, etc. I like and am fine with being a biological woman. It's contradicting, I suppose, and has confused a few transgender and gay furs. Basically, I wanted a suit done of my pretty fox self, but wouldn't know how to deal with others. Hell, I've even debated on being one of those who doesn't talk just for the sole reason of concealing my biological gender! But I like talking to others and depriving myself the chance of such just to become a mime is a shame! So yeah my question is... How do I explain this to anyone who asks why a lady is running around in a male fursuit in a short, sweet, and appropriate manner? I'd rather not have everyone just assume I'm transgender since I'm not. Anyhoo, Papabear, thank you SO MUCH FOR READING! I would really love your opinion on all of this. I'd never change the gender of my fursona regardless because it's a huge part of who I am. But I'd like to make the possible experience a little less agonizing. Anonymous * * * Greetings, Fellow Furry, First of all, I am flattered you have read through my past columns so thoroughly. Thank you, kindly. So, you are not a lesbian, or bisexual, and you are not transgendered. You enjoy being female IRL, but relate more to men, and in your fantasy life you like being a male character. When you say you relate more to men, I guess (since you assert you’re not a tomboy, enjoying things like football and working with tools) you mean hanging out with them more than with other women, which is not unusual. I know women who prefer the company of men to that of other women; indeed, some women dislike hanging out with others of their own sex and just want to be with other men as friends. You aren’t odd in that way. As for your fursona being male, I look at that as being somewhat analogous to a male transvestite. Transvestites (cross-dressers, if you prefer) aren’t always gay (in fact, the majority are straight--see this article); they just enjoy dressing as women. Turn that upside down and we have a woman who isn’t a lesbian but likes “dressing up,” in a sense, as a male fox. So one way you could explain it to those who might actually ask you is to think of it in the terms of a female furry cross dresser. You don’t usually hear about “transvestite women,” I suppose this being because in our society to see a woman wearing pants, a men’s T-shirt, and running shoes is not considered odd, whereas a man wearing a dress and high heels is considered out of the norm. Why men dress as women is still not really clear, even to psychologists, though some cross-dressing men say it relieves stress, and perhaps they just enjoy the feel of silky nylons on their legs. Similarly for you, while you enjoy being feminine, you might find the fantasy of being a male in your furry life to be a stress relief or even empowering. If you role play much in the fandom, being a male you can be more free to assert yourself strongly, even in a physical sense. You are not the only female who roleplays as a male and yet is not gay. There are not a whole lot like you, but they are out there. And let’s not forget that furry role playing is just good fun. Heck, we’re talking about thousands of people all over the planet pretending they are other species, let alone genders. It’s fun to pretend :-) Just think of female authors who write about male heroes in their books (e.g. J. K. Rowling). So, there are a couple possible ways for you to explain it to others: the lighthearted “it’s just pretend and I like to pretend my fursona is male just like you like to pretend your fursona is a wolf or a lion...,” or the more intellectual “think of it like a male cross-dresser, only I’m a female who ‘dresses’ in a male fursona.” Hope that helps, Papabear For the longest time I have had a question that I feel hasn't really been addressed anywhere I've looked. The issue, as I perceive it to be, is that I have two fursonas, and I cannot seem to ever decide which applies more to me.
I use both daily, as I have accounts on various accounts that use either one. My first and original fursona is that of a Bengal tiger, personifying the aspects of myself which I desire to have, or to obtain eventually at some part of my life. I'll refer to him as ALoD. I have had this fursona for about 7 months (as long as I have been a furry). He is the more headstrong, outgoing side of my personality that I occasionally display, but more often hide behind my shyness. My other and more correct fursona, as it is 2 months old, is that of a River Otter. He reflects my personality as I am now, and I identify most with this one. He is the epitome of my insecurities, though he is fun loving as well. This fursona is often displayed by my tendency to be quiet and ponderous, yet can still enjoy every aspect of like as a child would (not to be confused with babyfurs). But the problem lies not there, but that while my Otter fursona, which I'll call Churran is just as relevant to me as my other fursona. I view each fursona as a large aspect of my personality, as if they were real individuals, and often find myself wondering "What would ALoD or Churran do?" I can neither place one over the other in terms of importance nor can I decide which one to refer to myself as when introducing myself to a furry I've never met before. I even go so far as to use the name Churran as my furry identity since I like the name more than ALoD. So I ask this. Is there a way to decide, or is this something I will simply need to get used to? Also, is this normal among those in the fandom? Churran * * * Dear Churran, It is not uncommon for a furry to have more than one fursona and it is nothing to be concerned about. I had one furry write me a while back wondering if she was suffering from multiple personality disorder because of this, and, of course, she wasn’t. Many furries use fursonas to help them express their identities more freely. Sometimes, like you, they have different fursonas to express the way they are feeling at the time on various occasions. Later on in life, you might find that you drop one or the other fursona, or maybe add a new one, or drop both and decide on an entirely new fursona. As we change and grow, our fursonas often do the same until we eventually settle down on one or two. For example, I was a wolf, then a dragon, and now very content as a bear. I’ve discovered myself and who I am and that is a bear. You will probably do the same, as you are only 18 right now. Furries your age usually do one of two things after a few years in the fandom: 1) they leave furry forever, deciding they are “too grown up” for it, or 2) being a furry helps them discover who they are and their fursona becomes quite solidified. So, don’t worry about having two fursonas. It’s all part of the growing process and discovering who you are. Hugs, Papabear |
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