Papabear is going to be interviewed on WNPR in Hartford, CT, this month, the topic being the "furry lifestyle." I want to get your input on the show with this question to you:
Is there such a thing as a "furry lifestyle"? If so, how do YOU define it? If not, why not? Please post your comments below. A fascinating topic that needs to be talked about! Thank you! To Papabear
Hey. I have a question and I don't know who to ask anymore. What should I do about this friend of mine? To explain, I like having my main fursona and other forms I can use. Well this friend has decided it’s their concern as to which is my main one and that I really shouldn't have others. Now this person is a good guy which is why I put up with it. But I don't know if I can continue a friendship in which when I try to confront him about it he hides away, blocks me, and such. What in the world should I do? -Micheal * * * Dear Micheal, A fursona is a very personal thing in this bear’s mind. Grubbs is my alter ego (hmm, or maybe Kevin is Grubbs’ alter ego, hee hee); I would never let anyone dictate to me my fursona because he is a very real part of me. There are also furries, however, for whom a fursona is not that serious a thing, or they don’t even want a fursona because they just like reading furry comics and such and don’t care to actually be an anthropomorphic being. This is fine, too. If you’re like me, then having someone essentially tell you who you are is highly offensive. If someone told me, “You can’t be Grubbs, you have to be a purple husky” I would make like John Cleese as the rude Frenchman and fart in their general direction, walking the other way. There are few things in the world that get this bear more ticked off than someone else telling me who I am or how to live my life. If I were in your shoes, I would (politely, at first, anyway) tell this furry that it really isn’t his business and my fursona is a reflection of who I am, not who he thinks I should be. If that ticks him off, too bad. Now, you might not take your fursona as seriously as yours truly. As you mention, you have several; one you favor more, and several others. That’s fine. It can be fun switching fursonas and playing around with them. But, again, your main fursona is your choice. I don’t know why this other furry has it in his head that he should be telling you what to do with it. That’s like telling you what car to buy or what clothes to wear. Is it his business? No. You say this person is a “good guy.” Well, that may be, but a good guy wouldn’t tell you what to do about your fursona (a good guy might try and tell you what to do if you were doing something harmful, like drinking and partying too much, but not this). He also certainly wouldn’t be a drama queen and block you and ignore you when you don’t agree with him. Sounds like he’s awfully immature. If I were you, I’d stick to your guns and assert your right to pick your own fursona or fursonas. If he doesn’t like it, too bad. He needs to grow up and not be such a baby when other people don’t agree with him. Nuff said. Keepin’ it furry, Micheal. Hugs, Papabear Papabear,
How can we improve our fandom in the present days? I've seen lots of furs being rude to other furs and even forgetting people they know adding and then deleting and showing their true selves in posts and conversations. It all seems most furs have been forgotten like myself. Maybe people are forgetting others because of the posts in the past like when I was badly depressed or maybe other things came up. Some furs seen to have gone astray and pushing others away. At certain times I'm really needing furs in my life so we can all strive to help each other when needed. I've said my words many times and journals and get brushed off as people don't care anymore like they did back then. The only time they care is when you post something about a family member or pet passing ... nothing else. I need some advice out there about how to deal with issues like this. I'm not sure if it is all the younger people getting into furs or if it's those that think they are popular and can push others around and even people saying "I don't like you because you like such and such!" I've made many journals about this on FA and on Facebook and few replies. The only ones that would reply are those close to me, others can just push me away and sweep me under a rug and not care. When I started the fandom back in mid/2005 I didn't see much drama like there is now so in a case the fandom is changing. It's even changing on instant messengers as well. How do we go about this? Do we delete those off our IM's that don't want to strike up a conversation or people who just don't care. People these days have IM's on phones so not knowing if they are online on the phone or online behind a computer. Also I'm usually the one to start the conversation then no reply from the other end. Also when asking someone how they are nobody asks how I am. Is that person not interested in me or do they not have the question in mind or do they have nothing that would be good for both of us to discuss? All in all it's all about what people's needs are and if they are met. Are they interested in the needs of others or do they think just of themselves? Also I've felt that some furs like to stalk others and getting the feeling of this on FA and Facebook and not so much in other spots. The question is do people watch me for my fursuit and not the real me or are they going for numbers to compete with friends of theirs? Some furs are just strange! They add you and never say anything. They just watch you like a hound dog! --Ace Rover * * * Dear Ace, I think one of the things you are talking about is the lurker phenomenon. This is quite common, and not only in the furry community, and you shouldn’t take personal offense to it. For instance, I founded the BearFurries group on Yahoo and it has like 200 members but only a handful actually contribute to it; the rest are all lurkers. That’s okay, though. They can read comments and look at the art posts and stuff and enjoy it. Similarly, Papabear has lots of friends on Facebook, and it is impossible for me to stay in touch individually with all of them, so I do mass emails and such. I don’t believe I am unique in having two types of friends on FB: close friends/bruin brothers, and then people who are acquaintances. The important thing, Ace, is that you have some close friends and family you keep close tabs. The rest are nice to have, and some might develop into more than passing friends and become real friends, but don’t worry about it. As for the problems of some furs feeling out of the loop, left out, disparaged by popufurs and people who think they can define who and who is not a furry, your letter could not come at a better time. The furry community has changed a lot. It has grown and diversified with the result being that it lacks cohesion, unity. That is why I founded The American Furry Association, which will be a place that all furries can elect to call “home.” Everyone—and I mean EVERYONE—who is interested in furry in any way is welcome. The AFA will be ideal for people like you, Ace. It will be a resource center for everything from business to social news. It will be nonprofit and will accept donations to specific funs. There’s so much to say about it I can’t put it all in one letter, but check out the link at the right on the home page for more information. Big Bear Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I'm coming to you not only as a fellow furry, but as a man who doesn't really know how to handle my emotions. You see, my girlfriend and I have been together for about 3 months, and I really like her, but I just don't see it going anywhere, and it sometimes seems like she doesn't really want to talk to me, though after discussing it with her, I attribute that to low self-esteem. As you can guess, this is causing me very much stress and depression. It's taking a toll on my college work and sleep habits, and it's lead to unhealthy thoughts (not actions, just thoughts). Is there any advice you can give me that you think could help? She doesn't even know what a furry is, by the way, and I know how it's often misunderstood and considered taboo, so I have yet to tell her. --Butch * * * Hi, Butch, Could you clarify some things for me, please? 1) who is having the low self-esteem? you or your girlfriend? 2) why don't you see it going anywhere? and why doesn't she seem willing to talk to you? If she's not talking to you, that is not much of a relationship. Let's figure out the relationship first before worrying about telling her you're a furry. Hope to hear from you soon. Papabear * * * Dear Papabear, First, thank you for taking the time to reply to my message. I'm sorry for not being very clear. I have the low self-esteem, and it causes me to worry about absolutely everything. I don't think the relationship will go anywhere because when we talk, there isn't all that much to talk about. I'll try to make conversation, but she won't say much. I mean, don't get me wrong, when we talk I have fun and I love it, but the problem is getting her to talk. We started out talking all the time when we first met, and about a month later we became a couple. I hope this helps you understand things better. Sincerely, Butch * * * Hi, So.... the problem being you have run out of things to talk about? Then let me ask you this: what do each of you do in your daily lives? What is an average day like for you and your mate? Do you spend lots of time together or do you mostly do things apart and then get together when you can? Sometimes letters require a bit of dialog. Hope you don't mind. Papabear * * * I don't mind at all. The way I'm seeing things is that she isn't interested in my life the way I am in hers, and she won't open up to me. Something had her angry earlier, but when I asked what was wrong she wouldn't tell me, so I didn't push the subject. We don't get to see each other often. she's still in school and I just started college. We both are under conditions that make us have to keep it a secret from our parents, so that adds more stress. We talk mainly through text. During calls, she doesn't talk much anymore. She had surgery a few weeks back, so I've been attributing her change in behavior to that and pain meds and such, but I just feel like it's more than that. Butch * * * Hi, Butch, Okay, thanks for your patience and for the information. Papabear has enough to go on now. There are a couple problems here: 1) your girlfriend won’t talk to you; and 2) what is going on with your relationship is aversely affecting your health and mental state. Also, you have to keep this relationship secret for some reason and you don’t seem open to talking to her about being furry. Furthermore, she seems more involved in her own problems than yours. This is not a healthy relationship by any stretch of the mind. You may have had a bit of fun at the beginning, but that doesn’t mean it is going to continue to work. If she won’t open up to you and vice versa, then this relationship is heading for a dead end. Continuing as you are is going to make you ill or worse. You cannot continue this way, which you recognize since you wrote to Papabear. Time to be frank with her. Tell her that you can tell something is troubling her and you want to talk to her about it. Ask her if there is something you are doing that makes her not open up to you, and, if so, you will try to correct it; if it’s not you, then ask her again what is going on in her life. To be blunt, Butch, you have only been with this girl for three months and, although you may like her, Papabear would not recommend her as girlfriend material. Be friends with her, sure, be supportive and be a pal, but you will only regret trying to be more than that to her unless she changes radically. Papabear |
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A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.
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