Dear Papabear,
I have a question, but I'm not sure what to think about it, I live in a small town in the mountains, and my friends live in a large city, now, they are only an hours drive away from me, which isn't that bad, a two hour drive to visit friends sounds like a good thing. But lately I’ve started to notice things aren't the same anymore. We used to hang out all the time, every weekend and have some fun, sometimes I would stay the whole weekend too. A little info on my friends, both of them are fairly new to the furry fandom so I helped them out a little bit, introducing them to sites like FA and even Second Life cause I knew there were more furs online and they could make more friends, I thought that was good for them. But now they are both online most of the time talking to these friends in other states more then me, and I never see them anymore. When I do they are both on their computers in their house. I want to say they are roommates as well. It got even worse after they both got their fursuits (I don't have one) and now they go out of their way to drive for hours to go to a party or pick someone they met online up for some fun. I am starting to feel a little neglected now. I guess my question is, what should I do, am I being paranoid about my friends, should I be happy they are getting so many new friends, or should I just kiss this friendship good bye? Sam * * * Hi, Sam, It was nice of you to introduce your friends to aspects of the fandom, such as the online communities out there. Papabear suspects that what has happened here is that your friends got caught up in SecondLife, fursuiting, and all that stuff. I know from experience that when you first discover these things you go, “Oh, WOW! Cool!” and you get really excited about them and they can take hold of your life. When I first found out about SL, I was totally carried away by it. I would wake up in the morning at 4am just so I could go on it for a few hours before work. I could be a bear there and party in furry communities, and for a while it was really awesome. After about a year of that, though, the novelty wore off a bit and I returned to the real world. Same thing with the fursuits. I’m sure they were both very excited to have them and have gotten carried away. My bear instinct tells me they don’t mean to snub you. They have simply gotten self-involved by all this new, fun furry stuff and you have slipped their minds. This is not to excuse their behavior, which is selfish and rude, but neither do I think you should immediately drop them as friends. Papabear suspects they do not realize how insensitive they are being to you. Have you talked to them about this? You don’t say that you have, so that would be the first thing to do: tell them you feel a bit ignored and you want to be included more in what they are doing. You don’t have to own a fursuit, for example, to accompany them on their furry outings. Don’t give up on them yet. First, try and snap them out of their furry coma and wake up to the fact they have an IRL friend right there in the same room with them. Good luck! Papabear
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Hey there!
I'm writing this in class so I don't have time to write too much, Papabear. At the end of school last year, I nearly broke my ankle doing a shuffle dance on the last day of school. Someone recorded my pain and they put it on YouTube. I recently found out about this, and found the video. I found a way to track the IP address of the user, so that I may find out exactly who this is, and may notify the police, and possibly sue the person who did this. Things like this have, as I told you in my last letter, gone on for much too long, and I think it's time to strike back. Is it legal for me to track the person's IP, first of all? And will I have grounds for a lawsuit if I can identify the uploader? I think I'm finally ready to do this and stand up for myself , and I just need those questions answered before I do. Thank you in advance for your advice. Sincerely, Kodachi Devil Squirrel (KodaDS) * * * Dear Kodachi, This is an excellent question in today’s YouTube nutty world, and thank you for writing about it. The short answer to your question is: you can sue people for anything, but in this case you will not win. Why is that? Because you were taped in a public place, and according to my legal consultant, the courts have ruled repeatedly in such cases that when you are in a public place you have “no reasonable expectation of privacy.” This is why you can turn on the TV and see videos of people walking into mall water fountains while on their cell phones. What you CAN do is contact YouTube and ask them to remove the video because it was posted without your permission. They might or might not do that for you, I don’t know. The situation would be different if you were, say, in your bedroom and someone videotaped you doing something silly or embarrassing in private. A note to all those video-happy furries out there who like to record stuff: it is always best to get a signature on a waiver form from people you record before you post them in a public forum, such as YouTube. This covers your furry butt from possible legal action, especially in the case of recording minors. We are living in a peeping Tom world, folks, where everyone is armed with a tiny recording device everywhere you go. Just something to keep in mind, everyfur. As for as tracing someone's IP address, sure, that is analogous to researching and finding someone's mailing address. Nothing illegal about it, as long as it doesn't go further than that, such as using that information to try and access computer files. Hugs, Papabear Hey Papabear,
I've been having a bit of an issue with a long distance relationship that I'm in with my mate... and while I've tried to piece out whether I'm really just being paranoid or if there really is a problem, the responses I've gotten from my friends and family have been very variable and inconsistent with each other.... so... in an attempt at yet another position, I think an outside source might be the right answer. I've been in the LDR for quite a few months now, and only fairly recently, my mate lost his job... and from my perspective, that's when all the problems started. Now, he spends most of his time role playing in an MMO, and upon bringing up that I'd like to be acknowledged a little bit more and be able to spend more time with him, small tiffs have come about between me and him. I play the same MMO as him, and we have spent a good deal of time in it, but due to a statement I made at the beginning of our relationship about how I don't prefer RPing myself, he now feels uncomfortable to RP with me, feeling he's forcing me. He's made a good friend through his RPing, whom he spends almost all the time RPing with when he's not doing a dungeon with him. I've brought up my concern regarding him spending so much time with the other guy, but he's come back saying I don't trust him..... which I do.... dearly. I've tried bringing it up directly with him, and each time an argument comes about and it feels like my voice and opinion isn't being taken to heart.... but I care about him too much to leave him or to do anything that might result in him not feeling comfortable and leaving himself. I thought, after one of my friends told me I should just stop caring that he's spending a far more significant time with this stranger than with me, his mate (since the plan is for him to move in with me... hopefully soon), that I would, in an attempt of good will, introduce myself to his friend as his mate and that I appreciated him making my mate happy, because I do. But the next day, I received a message from my mate that this friend felt awkward by the message I sent and no longer wanted to RP with him... which caused him to get pretty angry at me (and I did attempt to mend the damage by sending a new message to his friend clarifying where the message came from... which has been resolved)... but I'm finding it really hard to cope with my mate roleplaying with others, because a side of me feels like the people he is RPing with, could be hitting on or flirting with him.... and in the past, I've lost a mate because he found someone else a better match through an RP (so I wouldn't blame me for these feelings). I guess my question would be.... am I being overly paranoid and untrusting? He says the roleplaying he does is harmless playful fun... but one of the times I watched from a distance to see what was actually happening, I had a deep feeling the friend (as mentioned earlier) was kind of hitting on my mate.... and the problem is that he doesn't really bring up that he's mated.... which makes me think people may try to get with him......or that he wants to "explore other options". :\ He tells me I'm not trusting him.... friends tell me he's acting very shady (since he's not told even his closest friends he's with me).... other friends tell me to stop worrying and ride it out.... family has their own feelings about it.... I just don't know what to do anymore, and this whole thing is emotionally thrashing, which has been causes other issues with people who come in contact with me (family, work, friends) Truth be told.... he's shown a lot of love in many places ... 2 commissions so far, used to talk on the phone a lot.... but its very inconsistent... like... he does these things.... then days go by where I'm being neglected..... and the neglect has only increased significantly more since the loss of his job. Thanks for whatever advice you can give to this unfortunately Paranoid Puppy. :) * * * Dear Paranoid, I’ve said it before and will do so again: a long-distance relationship in which there is no actual physical contact of any sort is not a relationship. Your virtual relationship, as I will call it, is therefore, on an equal par with the RPing your “boyfriend” is doing with the other guys online. He is clearly spending more time with the other guy than he is with you, neglecting you for long periods by not calling you, getting defensive about your “not trusting him,” and not even telling other people that he has a “relationship” of any kind with you. Are you paranoid? No. You would have to have a brain tumor eating out the left side of your brain not to suspect that this guy is no longer really serious about you. You believe that doing a couple of commissions for you is love? Oh, hon, you make this bear cry. It makes me sad that you feel so in need of a boyfriend that you have apparently lost sight of your self-respect. Papabear would be flabbergasted if this guy actually kept his promise and moved in with you. Waiting for that to happen is going to be like waiting for Godot. Please wake up and find yourself a real boyfriend. Someone you can actually hug in person, and someone who won’t treat you like an afterthought. I wish you love, Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
First and foremost, I would like to apologize for the length of this letter. I've tried to write as concisely as possible, but there are so many details and I feel none can really be left out for the sake of telling the whole situation. A little over a month ago, I was kicked/moved out of my father's house. A childhood friend of mine and her family agreed to take me in so long as I paid my own way and helped out around the house, no rent required. The biggest issue, however, is that I work part-time in a grocery store near where I used to live; it's an hour away. I have a lot more expenses now that I did not have while living with my dad and the amount of gas I spend to keep this job is killer. Considering that I've only had it for a few months, the experience and income I do get is more than worth it. In order to help me save some money and work towards being more self-sufficient, I opened up art commissions. My mate wholeheartedly encouraged the endeavor, save for "adult." I personally have no moral objection, or any, for that matter, against it other than I'd rather be drawing fairies or something. While at my father's, I didn't need the money quite so badly, so in order to keep the peace, I opted not to do so at the time. However, now that I'm scrounging for every penny I can find, I've decided that I can't turn down commissions for any reason any more. I even have a 10% upcharge to somewhat deter people from asking. But, lo and behold, it's the furry fandom we're talking about. My mate was rather upset with my decision, stating that up until now only one has been adult and "is it really necessary." The money doesn't make it any better for him, despite the fact that upon seeing the "adult" option, the commissioner wanted two pieces instead of one, netting me more than double of what I was originally getting. And this hatred of adult art stems from his religious beliefs. And while he's more than welcome to believe what he wants, I don't think he has the right to ask me to change mine. Though he's not purposefully doing this, for a while I've felt like he's held the religion thing over my head. "We're not going to ever be doing any more than some casual dating unless you believe what I do," sort of thing. And it's getting to the point where I can't really handle it much longer. All I'm asking for him is to accept our differences, where he claims that there's no compromise for him in that area. I've gone more than far out of my way in order to learn, respect, and get to know his beliefs, and I don't feel like I'm getting that in return. At this point, I don't know what to do. I want to take this commission. I want the money and I want to challenge myself. I want him to accept me for who I am and what I believe, regardless of if it collides or not. And more than anything, I want to be able to compromise these issues together. It's just that I'm having trouble as he sees these things very much in "black and white." The worst part is that this is the only strain on our relationship. Otherwise, it's sunshine and butterflies. Any sort of words or advice you have would be amazing. Thank you so much for your time and for reading my story. Best Regards, Klaora * * * Dear Klaora, First, my condolences on being booted out of your father’s house. You don’t talk about why that happened, but it always makes this bear sad when family members are unsupportive. Secondly, it is a grand thing that you found friends who care more about you than your father and have taken you in. Since you are not paying rent, I’m not sure how your expenses are higher, except, it seems in the case of gas and probably car maintenance. Gas prices keep going up, which is painful. The logical solution would be to find a job much closer to where you live now, and if you work for some kind of chain store perhaps there might be a chance for some kind of transfer? You could also save money by trying to find a carpool, or taking public transportation, if available. While you try to lower your expenses, let’s look again at the problem of making more money. I have a dear friend, Dan the Bear, who is the creator of all the original art on my site. He’s run into the same thing as you have in which he finds that he makes a lot more money drawing adult stuff than G and PG stuff. I’ve been talking to him as I write this letter and he offered a few suggestions: 1) You can draw fursuit reference sheets. These are G rated and very popular among furries. 2) Same with con badges. Also very popular money-makers you don’t have to draw naughty bits on. 3) He also suggested doing streaming. You can stream through channels like Ustream, announcing you’re streaming to the various social boards and such in the fandom. Dan says he often gets fresh requests from furries who watch him draw online and that gets him new commissions. He notes, though, that you need a good video camera for this to work well. 4) (My idea this time) See if you can hook up with an author and do a comic book or graphic novel collaboration. Yours truly would love to find an artist for an idea I had for a furry graphic novel, but the only problem is that I would not be able to pay until it sold. So, it is not an immediate solution. If you haven’t tried any of the above, they are worth a shot. Oh! and you might also try connecting with otherkin—as an alternative/complement to furries—who would probably really like your fairy drawings, I am guessing. Okay, so say all that still doesn’t work for you: you can’t reduce your expenses and you have no luck on the G-rated strategies, so you need to sell some adult stuff. Now, to this bear’s mind, there are two types of adult artwork: tasteful and OMG. Tasteful would be like the stuff you see in museums: the statue of David by Michelangelo, or The Birth of Venus by Boticelli, etc. Yeah, they are nude but it isn’t shocking. Then there is OMG when you have raunch and fluids flying around and it gets very crazy. Have you tried selling tasteful nude furry art? Artists like Blotch have been very successful at it, and maybe it would not offend your boyfriend’s sensibilities. Religious art has a lot of nudity in it, too, after all, especially all those cute cherub tuckuses, LOL. On to your boyfriend: you say that everything is peaches and cream between you, except for this one issue, though I sort of perceive a second issue sneaking in there, being your religions. Do you not share the same religion? Or is he just much more conservative about it than you are? You say that he is, in essence, asking you to change your religion, but it doesn’t sound like he is asking you to change your beliefs so much as just to not draw porn. Papabear has no objection to adult art, but your boyfriend clearly does. If he is in all other aspects a giving, loving person, then you might want to consider that relationships involve some compromise at times. If this is the only thing that really disturbs him, then I would say give him this one concession. Sometimes you have to give up something in a relationship to make it work. This is okay as long as one is not making all the concessions while one’s mate doesn’t do any giving. If you each give a little, that is what a relationship is about. Papabear does bristle a bit, though, when your boyfriend threatened to back off of the relationship unless you “believe as I do.” That was a bit offensive and unjust, and he should respect your religious beliefs as you do his. You shouldn’t have to believe exactly the same things, and if your religion is that different from his, then it might not work out. However, if it is just a matter of adult versus G art, that is something you two can work through. You say yourself that you prefer drawing fairies. What about drawing fairies and, say, angels? What about designing holiday and other greeting cards? You could even start a business doing such things. If you are a gifted artist, there are many many ways to express yourself both in the furry community and in the mainstream. Talk to your boyfriend and see if he can help you. Say you really want to make money by being an artist and need his help to get started. If he doesn’t want you drawing adult stuff, then ask for his ideas and help in making an income in other ways. You are right that adult art makes money. Yours truly could probably make a quick buck writing furry porn stories for some furry publishers. Just the way life is, but it is not the only alternative. I wish you luck! Papabear Dear Papabear,
I'm having some trouble with one of my close friends and I need some advice in what to do. He's suffering from mood swings and depression partially due to his multiple personality disorder. He recently (last night) had a brutal breakup with a potential boyfriend, but said almost-boyfriend ended up bashing him for his MPD and calling it a "BS disorder" and that my friend is only doing it "for attention" mostly because he was probably stressed, tired (it happened a bit after midnight, over Skype), and most likely not in his right mind. It still a lot of damage to my friend's psyche, To give a background, my friend lives in his own condo with a roommate and is finishing college this year. He was physically and mentally abused as a child and neglected as well, so it is remarkable that he is able to survive on his own so far, and I'm really happy for him. However, he has many many personalities and to control them, he set up a mind "world" for them to live inside. Some are nice, others aren't. Most aren't. Luckily they only show up in times of distress or depression, which is happening more often now. He feels as if no one wants him any more than a friend or a friend with benefits, and I am not sure what to do to help him. I know he has some attraction for me as he has admitted that, but I'm already in a committed monogamous relationship so I cannot be the love in his life. It's stressful for me to as it really pains me to see him collapse like this. This is also really stressful to me, and with school and other projects it becomes hard for me to help him as much as I would like. Luckily he's fine with that and can cope with most things by himself, but every now and then there's an experience he needs his friends for. His friends are another problem. Several "friends" of his have also abused and abandoned him over the years, using him for sex when he thought it was something more. This is causing him to become very paranoid about others and his personalities to stir even more. I'm really worried for my friend's health and mental state and I'm not sure what to do. Therapy was used before and that just led to pills that didn't work. Like I said, he's been on his own for a long time now and I know he is very strong. I just fear he is reaching his breaking point and I don't want to see a good friend institutionalized or worse. Please give me some advice and what I can do to help him. He desperately needs it, and I don't know where else to turn to at the moment. Thanks, DT * * * Dear, Sweet DT, You are such a true friend it does this ol’ bear’s heart good to see your deep concern for your furiend. Obviously, the first thing that I always mention is professional help, but you say he’s already gone down that road. Just to talk about it again, though, there are therapists and then there are therapists. Some are better than others, just like with anything else. Papabear went to therapy once, and, frankly, I don’t think I got my money’s worth. I would have looked for someone else to see, but my circumstances changed and I moved on. There are many alternative treatments to MPD, not just drugs, including hypnotherapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, and other therapies focusing on everything from behavior to eye movement patterns. I’m sure he has not tried them all, and some treatments work better for certain people than others. It’s great that your friend has done so much with his life despite his struggles with MPD (also known as Dissociative Personality Disorder and incorrectly sometimes called schizophrenia, which is something different). It is also quite impressive that he has developed his own technique to try and isolate these secondary personalities to, I assume, protect himself and other people from them. It’s pretty easy to understand that he has more “not nice” personalities than nice ones because they are his outlet for his frustrations stemming from his unhappy childhood and continuing with the present day mistreatment of people around him. I’m not a psychologist, of course, but that seems like a no brainer. So, central to your letter, really, is that your friend is, sadly, surrounded by many losers and users who break his heart and make him upset. You are an exception, but, as you said, you are taken. Next question would be whether the two of you have a mutual friend or friends, a person or two whom you both like and respect who might go the extra distance for the guy you’re concerned about. Unfortunately, you don’t mention anyone like that in your lives. Is it possible to gain friends like that? Absolutely. In fact, if you think it would be okay with your friend, you can have him contact me and I can at least offer a little virtual support and hugs. Maybe talking with him one-on-one will help me come up with thoughts and suggestions that could help him further. You can also try and research support groups in his area for people with MPD. There are a few Meetup groups (http://mpd.meetup.com/) but that only works if you happen to be near those areas. There is also a group on Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/pages/Dissociative-Identity-Disorder-DID-Support-Group/174362435919715). So getting rid of user “friends” and finding a local support group would both help. Since the MPD is aggravated by stress and upset, meditation would likely be of a great benefit to your friend, too. Learning breathing techniques, yoga, tai chi, etc. could all serve to calm him, perhaps lessening the emergence of his more hostile personalities. I would also like to suggest the Furries4Life group for your friend (and you), both on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/groups/311636512250169/ and the main site at www.furry4life.org. F4L, in my opinion, is the most drama-free of the furry social sites. Their FB page specifically is moderated to prohibit drama. He might have some luck there. Minimizing stress and developing supportive social group will both go a long way toward helping your friend. They are not a cure, but they can help. Thank you for being a friend to a furry in distress. You’re a good person, DT. Hugs, Papabear So long story short. Age difference 4 years. Met him online about 2 years ago. Been friends for 1 year and a half (time in which we both had our bfs and so the chat was always from both parts and shared stuff both, we happen to disagree and we r quite different; I know, a lot of background and stuff). We got in a relationship 6 months ago. He's never insisted on money, on the contrary, actually. I was the one to bring sex into discussion. He said he'd wait. We talk on phone, texts, webcam a lot. I know part of his family. We exchange pics quite often, talk a lot. He gave me his accounts on various sites, even paid ones. And I really wanna meet him, but I got worried and told him about an ex-predator I dated and asked him if he was like that (dumb thing to do cause he got hurt and pretty sad). Said I don't trust him and I think of him as a criminal, also that he understands now why I want to bring my friend along if we meet (they argued). That's the only red flag I had so far. We won't meet soon, and if we do he'll be the one visiting me. I'm just curious. I really care for him and my instinct tells me he's not dangerous, but since I had an online predator already I spotted the red flag and thought to ask.
Thanks a lot. Clementine. * * * Dear Clementine, Reading your letter, Papabear's gut instinct is that he is not a predator, and I think that matches your instinct as well. I had another furry write me a while back in which I did suspect predatory behavior, as there was a bigger age difference and other behaviors that sent up red flags. I told that writer to trust her gut, which was sending warning messages. Yours is telling you differently. You should not assume this person could be a predator just because you had that experience with someone else. That said, you are wise to be cautious. Meet this person first in a public place with lots of people around. Get to know them better and then proceed from there. In this crazy world, you never know what you're going to get. You can be too cautious and thus deny yourself what could be healthy and happy relationships, or you can be too reckless and get hurt. Try to achieve a balance. Be open to having new people in your life, but don't do something silly like go to someone's house alone and at night by yourself. This is just what used to be called "common sense," but I now call "good sense" since it no longer seems common. Good luck! Be safe. Hugs. Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
I am a 19 year old transgender, going from male to female. For as long as I can remember I have never thought of myself as a boy only a girl (to the point when I would play pretend I would always be the girl) and I know the operation would make me happy, but I have met great hostility from my friends about it, and I want to tell my parents but fear the same reaction. I don’t know what to do cause I know they will need to know one day but I don’t want to lose them or be treated by them like some of my friends have. --Bastet * * * Dear Bastet, As my regular readers know by now, Papabear has written several replies to furries and gay people about coming out to parents and family (you can read my responses by clicking here: http://www.askpapabear.com/1/category/coming%20out%20furry/1.html). While being transgendered is a different issue, the principle remains the same: whether you are thinking of getting an operation to change your sex, discovering you are gay, coming out furry, deciding you wish to practice a different religion, or whatever it might be—it is all about the fear of being oneself when doing so means going against what you have been taught is “correct” or “right” or “moral” or “what the family does.” Whether or not one should be open about who you are depends on your assessment of your own family—whether they are open-minded and kind, or close-minded, ignorant, dominating, and cruel. Only you can make that initial assessment, and, afterwards, make the logical decision, which is not being open if you feel the backlash is going to cause you harm, and going ahead and being open if you have loving, caring parents and family who you know will love you no matter what. The important thing to remember here, Bastet, is to avoid the pitfall of basing your own self-worth on external opinions. In other words, in your case, don’t decide not to go forward with the operation because someone else tells you it is wrong for some reason. You have said that you know it will make you happy, and so Papabear encourages you to go forward with your plans if that is possible for you to do. It might hurt you that your “friends” oppose it, and even wound you emotionally if your parents do, too, but the alternative is for you to be unhappy in your own skin for the rest of your life. If I were you, that last choice would make me even more miserable. I can say that out of my own experience. While I’m not getting a sex change operation, figuring out that I was gay at the age of 40 was emotionally painful for me. It turned my world completely upside down. I had to end my marriage to someone I loved because of that, and it broke my heart, but I would have been even more miserable if I had spent the rest of my life pretending I was something I was not. Life can be a difficult road, no doubt about it. But the only way our lives can count for something is if we live them as we truly are. Otherwise, the entire journey is a lie and has no point. I cannot make the ultimate choice for you, Bastet, but I hope my words offer a little insight. Hugs, Papabear Howdie bear friend! I'm so dearly in love with our fandom and my enthusiasm after over a year has not really ever faded. But my emotional condition has varied as I want to go to meets and fursuit events so badly but just don't have one red cent to spend after bills and food. I had gone to some a while back and there are friends and others I can get a ride from on rare occasions so I know how to get to some meets and events but there is always a need for money, even mass transit with a discount. My budget says “no.” Plus I find that especially without a handler / hearing ear person to help me out I can get upset easily from misunderstandings and so on so I'm reluctant to go as well. Sorry for the long explanation. My problem is I'm so very happy and proud to be a furry when I watch the videos on YouTube and all the other stuff yet it also can be dearly painful that I'm stuck at home so much just like so many furries and cannot get out to have fun too. I was so jealous of seeing other furries having fun and that I wasn't having fun, so I put my paw down and made my fursuits so I could have fun too. I didn't know what a rare and precious thing it was and how few get to fursuit or have fursuits. And that it is infrequent and difficult to get to fursuit let alone have the same fun. I so dearly love our fandom but the best way to handle it would be to stop watching so many great videos about us and to become jaded and not so interested so therefore I'm not so emotionally invested in the concept and the fandom. I dearly love all furries! I have few friends but without money and my best friend barely able to get around himself, etc. I don't have much emotional support or relief outside of some low level amount from online friendships. And I don't ever want to become jaded one dang bit! I love the fandom and it's worth the pain. But it is a lot of pain. I need to get out so very much. I need to fursuit in public as it's so much fun but the local city police told me I'm not allowed to fursuit at the park and so forth with what's stopping me. I'm afraid to go out these days. Yet fursuiting was the incentive to get out and do things. To get exercise or go to the park. My energy levels as much from depression as anything are very low so it's difficult to get myself to do much of anything. Like calling park commissioners to deal with the police problems at the parks. And I'm very busy from so many things I have to do in all sorts of things like trying to get decent hearing aids though I won't be able to use them much like when fursuiting. So how am I going to deal with all this? What more than I have and had learned how to deal with emotional difficulties that I can do? I'm trying but so very close to giving up. So very close but so "obsessed" with our fandom that fortunately I won't ever truly give up though I try to keep the fursuits in storage since it's wear and tear wearing them as well as there is almost nothing I can do in the cramped house in fursuit anyway (long story). It's just so painful and so difficult and so lonely. And a whole heck of a lot of other furries feel the same way too (depending on circumstances). --Excelsior the Lion * * * Dear Excelsior, [FYI to Papabear’s readers, I know Excelsior and have chatted with him online a number of times, though we have never met IRL.] There are a couple of issues here that need addressing: 1) your hearing impairment; 2) your lack of money preventing you from easy travel; 3) the cops telling you that you can’t fursuit in a park; 4) your intense frustration over not being able to socialize with furries. Let’s address #3 first. There is no California law that says it is illegal for you to wear a fursuit in a public place such as a park. If there were, then I couldn’t have done this at a park in Riverside: Therefore, these cops are denying you your rights. Contacting the park commissioner will, as you found out, not yield results because they are the ones who probably contacted the police in the first place. If I were you, I would look up a pro bono lawyer and explain to them that the cops are denying you your rights; not only that, but you are deaf and they are harassing a person with a handicap. At the same time, contact your local newspaper and give them the details of the story of how the police are making a deaf man’s life miserable when all he wants to do is harmlessly fursuit in the park. Any news director is going to eat that story up, believe me (I’m married to a former news director).
Okay, so that’s dealing with local derpy public officials; now on to the furry community. Just to make sure bases are covered, I’m assuming you contacted Hearing Services of Antioch, which is your area service for the deaf at 4045 Lone Tree Way, Suite D, Antioch, CA 94531, phone 925.778.3298. But if you haven’t, or haven’t done so in a long time, you should really contact them and pick their brains on ways to improve your daily life with your hearing impairment. As for money, well, many of us struggle with that, the obvious solution being to make more money, but sadly Papabear can’t help you there. Okay, so that is #1, 2, and 3, now to #4: meetups with furries. I’m sure you’re aware that the Bay Area Furries Meetup Group is based in Danville, which is less than a 30 minute drive from your home. I’m hoping you have some connections there? Someone who could occasionally drive you? If not, you know you COULD organize a furmeet at your own home. Bring the furries to YOU, since you can’t go TO THEM. Make sense? You can have a party and have people bring a dish and drinks and hang out, play games, watch movies, whatever you like. (Oh, and another option, though not quite as good, but pretty darn close, is to get involved in SecondLife, where there are tons of furries and places to hang out with them.) So, the lesson here is twofold: 1) don’t let the police and county officials push you around when you are legally in the right, and 2) there is ALWAYS a way to get around roadblocks if you have the will and creativity to do so. Good luck, Excelsior, Papabear P.S. If anyone reading this column lives in the San Francisco area and has more tips for Excelsior, please comment below. Thanks! Hey Papa Bear, I was wondering how I can become well known in the furry fandom, even though I won't be able to go to conventions or gatherings.
--David * * * Dear David, The goal of being a furry should never be to be “well known,” if you mean in the sense of being a popufur—that is, someone who wants to be famous and popular for the sake of being famous and popular and having their egos stroked. On the other paw, if what you mean “well known” in the sense that you want to make a lot of friends even though you cannot for some reason go to meets and cons (lack of money, transportation, etc.), then that’s simple. As you must know by now, there are all kinds of places to meet and chat with furries online, including SoFurry, FurAffinity, MyFur, Furry4Life, and on and on and on. That’s how I started meeting furries and where I socialized for the first few years of my involvement in the fandom before actually meeting furries in person. The other possible interpretation of your quick letter is that you are trying to get the word out about a furry business you might have. The two best ways I’ve found for doing that about this column is to advertise on furry sites and to have a Facebook page (you might also do Twitter, but Papabear really dislikes twitting). Being furry should be about having fun! Don't worry if you are popular and well known. You have a whole world of imagination spread out before your paws--go explore! Hope that answers your question! Bear Hugs! Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
I am a fursuit maker, and a lot of people pick on me because my suits are not "professional." They call my suits all sorts of names and make fun of them. I try my best, though, and my friends say I am getting better. But it is to the point where I feel like quitting because the bad stuff hurts a lot. What do I do? Thanks, Silver * * * Hi, Silver, Have you ever heard of the 10,000 hour rule? Papabear isn’t sure who said it first, but the idea is that to become outstanding at something that takes skill, such as playing the piano or painting, can be done by almost anyone if they show true dedication to getting better at it. 10,000 hours would be about 20 hours a week of practice for 10 years. A corollary to this rule is the 1,000 hour rule, which says you can get quite good at something by doing it for about 2 hours a week for a decade, or, if you want to step it up, about 9-10 hours a week for two years. Not knowing how long you have been making fursuits, I can’t guess how far along you might be on either plan. But your friends have told you that you are improving, and if you continue to do so, eventually you will get to that “professional” quality other people are insisting you reach. The question becomes, though, whom are you trying to please? Yourself or your critics? If you make fursuits because you enjoy it, then who cares what other people think? If you are doing it because you want to sell them for money, then listen to what they are saying about your fursuits and say, “I welcome constructive criticism and thanks for your input. I’m working really hard to improve my craft and I know I’m getting better at it.” If, on the other paw, people are just being critical to be mean and hurtful, you can always ask to see the fursuits they made and... oh? They don’t make fursuits? They have no skills in making fursuits? Then maybe they should try making one themselves and see how difficult it is before criticizing someone. Don’t be defensive of your work; instead, be assertive: “Each fursuit I make is better than the last, and even my worst fursuit is better than what you’ve done, which is nothing.” Criticism can hurt, I know. As a writer, I have been criticized a lot. I have over 90 rejection letters from publishers and agents from my first book. It’s painful. But consider the source. Many critics don’t know what they are talking about, and through history many have been proven wrong, for example:
People who criticize others usually do so because they themselves are sad and pathetic, and saying mean things about someone else makes them feel that they are superior somehow. This, of course, is sick and twisted behavior. Furries who are not derps will see that you are trying to contribute something to the furry world, that you are getting better at it, and that you should be encouraged. Keep Up the Good Fight!!!! Papabear |
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