He Likes Her, but She's Driving Him Crazy

Dear Papabear,

I'm coming to you not only as a fellow furry, but as a man who doesn't really know how to handle my emotions. You see, my girlfriend and I have been together for about 3 months, and I really like her, but I just don't see it going anywhere, and it sometimes seems like she doesn't really want to talk to me, though after discussing it with her, I attribute that to low self-esteem. As you can guess, this is causing me very much stress and depression. It's taking a toll on my college work and sleep habits, and it's lead to unhealthy thoughts (not actions, just thoughts). Is there any advice you can give me that you think could help? She doesn't even know what a furry is, by the way, and I know how it's often misunderstood and considered taboo, so I have yet to tell her.

--Butch

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Hi, Butch,

Could you clarify some things for me, please? 1) who is having the low self-esteem? you or your girlfriend? 2) why don't you see it going anywhere? and why doesn't she seem willing to talk to you? If she's not talking to you, that is not much of a relationship.

Let's figure out the relationship first before worrying about telling her you're a furry.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Papabear

* * *

Dear Papabear,

First, thank you for taking the time to reply to my message. I'm sorry for not being very clear. I have the low self-esteem, and it causes me to worry about absolutely everything. I don't think the relationship will go anywhere because when we talk, there isn't all that much to talk about. I'll try to make conversation, but she won't say much. I mean, don't get me wrong, when we talk I have fun and I love it, but the problem is getting her to talk. We started out talking all the time when we first met, and about a month later we became a couple.

I hope this helps you understand things better.

Sincerely,

Butch

* * *

Hi,

So.... the problem being you have run out of things to talk about? Then let me ask you this: what do each of you do in your daily lives? What is an average day like for you and your mate? Do you spend lots of time together or do you mostly do things apart and then get together when you can?

Sometimes letters require a bit of dialog. Hope you don't mind.

Papabear

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I don't mind at all. The way I'm seeing things is that she isn't interested in my life the way I am in hers, and she won't open up to me. Something had her angry earlier, but when I asked what was wrong she wouldn't tell me, so I didn't push the subject. We don't get to see each other often. she's still in school and I just started college. We both are under conditions that make us have to keep it a secret from our parents, so that adds more stress. We talk mainly through text. During calls, she doesn't talk much anymore. She had surgery a few weeks back, so I've been attributing her change in behavior to that and pain meds and such, but I just feel like it's more than that.

Butch

* * *

Hi, Butch,

Okay, thanks for your patience and for the information. Papabear has enough to go on now. There are a couple problems here: 1) your girlfriend won’t talk to you; and 2) what is going on with your relationship is aversely affecting your health and mental state. Also, you have to keep this relationship secret for some reason and you don’t seem open to talking to her about being furry. Furthermore, she seems more involved in her own problems than yours.

This is not a healthy relationship by any stretch of the mind. You may have had a bit of fun at the beginning, but that doesn’t mean it is going to continue to work. If she won’t open up to you and vice versa, then this relationship is heading for a dead end.

Continuing as you are is going to make you ill or worse. You cannot continue this way, which you recognize since you wrote to Papabear.

Time to be frank with her. Tell her that you can tell something is troubling her and you want to talk to her about it. Ask her if there is something you are doing that makes her not open up to you, and, if so, you will try to correct it; if it’s not you, then ask her again what is going on in her life.

To be blunt, Butch, you have only been with this girl for three months and, although you may like her, Papabear would not recommend her as girlfriend material. Be friends with her, sure, be supportive and be a pal, but you will only regret trying to be more than that to her unless she changes radically.

Papabear