Write to Papabear

Feeling Disconnected from the Fandom

10/4/2012

Papabear,

How can we improve our fandom in the present days? I've seen lots of furs being rude to other furs and even forgetting people they know adding and then deleting and showing their true selves in posts and conversations. It all seems most furs have been forgotten like myself. Maybe people are forgetting others because of the posts in the past like when I was badly depressed or maybe other things came up. Some furs seen to have gone astray and pushing others away. At certain times I'm really needing furs in my life so we can all strive to help each other when needed.

I've said my words many times and journals and get brushed off as people don't care anymore like they did back then. The only time they care is when you post something about a family member or pet passing ... nothing else. I need some advice out there about how to deal with issues like this.

I'm not sure if it is all the younger people getting into furs or if it's those that think they are popular and can push others around and even people saying "I don't like you because you like such and such!" I've made many journals about this on FA and on Facebook and few replies. The only ones that would reply are those close to me, others can just push me away and sweep me under a rug and not care.

When I started the fandom back in mid/2005 I didn't see much drama like there is now so in a case the fandom is changing. It's even changing on instant messengers as well. How do we go about this? Do we delete those off our IM's that don't want to strike up a conversation or people who just don't care. People these days have IM's on phones so not knowing if they are online on the phone or online behind a computer. Also I'm usually the one to start the conversation then no reply from the other end. Also when asking someone how they are nobody asks how I am. Is that person not interested in me or do they not have the question in mind or do they have nothing that would be good for both of us to discuss? All in all it's all about what people's needs are and if they are met. Are they interested in the needs of others or do they think just of themselves?

Also I've felt that some furs like to stalk others and getting the feeling of this on FA and Facebook and not so much in other spots. The question is do people watch me for my fursuit and not the real me or are they going for numbers to compete with friends of theirs? Some furs are just strange! They add you and never say anything. They just watch you like a hound dog!

--Ace Rover

* * *

Dear Ace,

I think one of the things you are talking about is the lurker phenomenon. This is quite common, and not only in the furry community, and you shouldn’t take personal offense to it. For instance, I founded the BearFurries group on Yahoo and it has like 200 members but only a handful actually contribute to it; the rest are all lurkers. That’s okay, though. They can read comments and look at the art posts and stuff and enjoy it. Similarly, Papabear has lots of friends on Facebook, and it is impossible for me to stay in touch individually with all of them, so I do mass emails and such. I don’t believe I am unique in having two types of friends on FB: close friends/bruin brothers, and then people who are acquaintances. The important thing, Ace, is that you have some close friends and family you keep close tabs. The rest are nice to have, and some might develop into more than passing friends and become real friends, but don’t worry about it.

As for the problems of some furs feeling out of the loop, left out, disparaged by popufurs and people who think they can define who and who is not a furry, your letter could not come at a better time. The furry community has changed a lot. It has grown and diversified with the result being that it lacks cohesion, unity. That is why I founded The American Furry Association, which will be a place that all furries can elect to call “home.” Everyone—and I mean EVERYONE—who is interested in furry in any way is welcome.

The AFA will be ideal for people like you, Ace. It will be a resource center for everything from business to social news. It will be nonprofit and will accept donations to specific funs. There’s so much to say about it I can’t put it all in one letter, but check out the link at the right on the home page for more information.

Big Bear Hugs,

Papabear

9 Comments

Excelsior The Lion

10/4/2012 09:07:48 am

Papabear: check into NMRA (model railroading organization) for possible organizing information and ideas. It's the one hobby organization I know well on the national level. Others exist but I don't know if they would 'parallel' furries or not. Just a thought.

My take on the 'feeling left out' problem is I can be seen as a major contributor to the "he doesn't respond" online group. My 'excuse' is depression which I'm letting get the better of me. I just don't feel up to doing much online anymore. And I'm so sorry for that.

But in terms of common courtesy like you say "how are things going" and instead of "fine, how is it with you", I just go into whatever is bugging me at that time, sometimes something positive. But basically not very polite. I have a bad habit of being like that in R/L due to my hearing problems. I avoid doing / saying something that would prompt the other person to talk to me as it will result in serious communication problems.

Online is extroadinarily 'casual' and unpredictable. Technical problems abound so we'll all get missconceptions as to what is going on when it's a simple thing. Like a while back a fur was I.M. messages to me to start a contact, but my dumb I.M. program never displayed their messages. It wasn't until months later I found out they had messaged me a lot and was upset at the lack of response on my part. That's an example.

We all need R/L contacts but it's difficult. I have heard complaints the region I live in is very "cliche" (sp?) and very put offish to other furs. Nearly impossible to find friends. But when I finally do get contact it's so wonderful!

But I still feel so badly left out by the furry community here. Most of which I know to be false paranoia when I investigate.

Papabear

10/4/2012 09:19:14 am

Hi, Excelsior! You are so right about technology sometimes causing the problem! Not only when it fails, but just in normal emails and IMs it is so hard to pick up on nuances. People can take something as sarcasm, for example, even though it wasn't because you can't hear the person's voice. As I say in this column many times, so often the problem is simply people not communicating effectively. (also sympathize with your hearing loss; I have some too, though not as profound as yours)

GreenReaper link

10/22/2012 06:03:35 am

There is a danger that the original poster is pushing themselves on others. I sometimes have people who IM me for no reason, just "to chat". This is, honestly, a waste of my time. The fandom is not here to provide you with conversation partners - and for that matter, instant messengers are there to convey messages, not noise.

They may also be reading too much into a watch. Maybe someone who watches you just likes to see pictures of your fursuit. It is not an firm indication that they want a closer association.

10/22/2012 06:41:10 am

I'd have to disagree with the idea that "the fandom is not here to provide you with conversation partners." To me, a HUGE part of the fandom is finding friends and chatting with them. It's called social bonding and the chat doesn't have to have a specific purpose or goal, other than reaching out and finding friends. I agree about what you say about watching--people often watch others just to see posts of their art or fursuits and there is nothing wrong with that.

10/22/2012 07:46:20 am

Perhaps I could put that in a more specific way: "not all furries are in the fandom to be *your* personal conversation partner [whoever 'you' are], especially if you're just bored and want to talk to someone".

I don't mind talking shop. Furry fandom is my passion! But some people just want to talk, period, and assume that because others share certain interests, they would like to participate in random conversations. For me, at least, that is not the case.

The original poster also thinks *he* should be of interest to other people:
"Also I'm usually the one to start the conversation then no reply from the other end. Also when asking someone how they are nobody asks how I am. Is that person not interested in me or do they not have the question in mind or do they have nothing that would be good for both of us to discuss? [...] Are they interested in the needs of others or do they think just of themselves?"

What they are probably thinking is "why is this person always talking to me if they have nothing concrete to say?" The OP needs to realize that it if they want to talk to someone, it is incumbent on them to determine the topic beforehand - and it should be more than "hey, how are you, what's up?"

Ace

3/9/2013 12:30:55 am

How is it that I am in danger that you feel I'm pushing myself upon others?? I'm not out there to start drama!

3/9/2013 08:43:05 am

@GreenReaper: I get emails and IMs, too, when the other person has nothing to say. So, I am just polite and say, "Have a nice day" and go about my business. It never kills me to be pleasant. There is enough ugliness in the world that one doesn't have to add to it by being unnecessarily unkind to another person, even if that person is not particularly interesting to you.

3/9/2013 08:58:23 am

I think we'll have to agree to disagree here. Being unable to recognize when someone is uninterested in talking to you is not a good thing. I'm not talking about one-off occurrences here, but the times when people keep poking at you with "Hi.", "How're you?" etc. in the belief that everyone is interested in having a random conversation.

If a person does not receive feedback, it will continue - to the detriment of all concerned, including the third-parties they're doing it with as well.

10/22/2012 09:55:08 am

I admit that I get annoyed by people who pop up and say only "Hi" and then expect me to carry the conversation. Another annoying one is "I'm bored," as if it is my job to entertain them. And I do agree that I enjoy chatting with someone a lot more when they have something interesting to say. It really varies from person to person, so I don't like making broad generalizations on the topic. When it is one of my cubs or loved ones, I don't mind at all a simple hi and paw wave. When it is a stranger, yeah, it's a bit annoying.

Feeling Disconnected from the Fandom

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