Papabear,
I am gay & no one knows. I have not come out to anyone. I wish I was straight like a normal person every single day; it drives me crazy for being like this. I just want to be normal & love girls, enjoy the normal stuff in life. So my story is about this guy I first saw with one of my good friends 3 or 4 years back & I thought he was cute and that’s all. We didn’t talk much; slowly I got to know him more & I suddenly had this crush on him, which was normal, and I could handle it cause I knew he is straight. Few months down he left for his college. But now he is back after 1 year and it still stayed normal with him; then he started calling me to hangout (not alone, with other friends, too) and texting me; more & more we hang out I noticed few things like he looks at me every time. If bunch of us go out to grab some drinks he would sit next to me or on the opposite side of me and I can see he looks at me from the corner of my eye & if I look at him he would look away, even if we are standing out he would come stand next to me. I have tried to sit so close to him that our hands or legs just touch little and he wouldn't move away. In all this he talks about hot girls and says “Look at that ass.” I know he has dated a few girls, which lasts only few months. I know he is very much straight & I also know he had sex recently. The problem is I text him now all the time. He does it, too, but his replies are like he is being safe and wont express much. He agrees to go watch movies, have dinner alone just the two of us. All this made me fall for him and its driving me crazy. When he speaks to girls or guys I get so jealous it gets me stressed. I if I didn’t know where he is I think he is with someone and I get stressed again. But I know there is no future in this, but just when I try to like move on I catch him staring at me. I look at him, he looks away. Sometimes he looks at me many times I even lose count. At times I look at him and he catches me. I just smile back and look away. If I get close to any other guy/girl jokingly he does react like he is irritated. Out of the blue he will just call me just to talk for long time not hours yet! Once he even kissed me on the cheeks when he was drunk, which we never spoke about it cause its normal I guess. Our friends say “You guys are always together,” but his reaction is nothing but a smile. So after all this I think about him every day when I wake up, when I sleep, when I eat, everything I do I think about him. So what do I do now from here? I am not gonna tell him I am gay; that’s just not possible. Where do I go from here? I have tried so much for some reaction but that kiss from him was the only happy part. Or am I just thinking too much and he is just being a very good friend? Kevin B (26, United Arab Emirates) * * * Dear Kevin, You likely know this, but for the benefit of my readers I will quickly state that in the United Arab Emirates it is against the law to have a same-sex relationship—not just marriage, but relationship, period. If you are caught having a homosexual relationship, the punishment can be 10 or more years in prison. Punishment can be as strict as deportation (applies mostly to gay foreigners) or, in the case of consensual sodomy, even the death penalty. Given this, it is no wonder that gay people in the UAE would be extremely nervous to show their affections to one another, especially in public. Just the fact that your friends are beginning to notice that you two hang out together a lot might make both of you a bit anxious. It is unfortunate that you live in such a hostile environment. The ideal solution would be for you to move to a country that is more accepting of you, such as the Netherlands. Chances are this is not a very feasible option for you, however; but, if it is, it would be recommended. Many cultures in the Middle East, Africa, and elsewhere make it damn near impossible for the LGBT community to be themselves. Even in the United States, you have to live in a more liberal area like I do (southern California) than in other areas like Michigan or Georgia (interestingly, Minneapolis, Minnesota, is actually a gay-friendly community). Anyway, back to your crush. My instinct tells me that your instinct is probably correct. He probably does like you but is terrified to say so, just as you are terrified to come out of the closet. Who wouldn’t be? His bragging about his sexual exploits with women are done loudly because he wants to assure everyone that he is straight. Having never lived in a country where I could be thrown in prison simply for loving someone, I honestly do not know how to advise you. If you were in a more liberal-minded nation, I would tell you to go ahead and tell the other guy that you have feelings for him and let the cards fall where they may. However, if you did so in the UAE, you might scare him off, or, worse, get the two of you into trouble. For your own safety, I would have to advise you two to just behave as friends. It makes me sad to have to say that, but unless you can get your butts out of that country—or the UAE suddenly changes its homophobic laws (unlikely in any Islamic state, since the Qur’an is very clear that homosexuality is against God’s laws)—you are rather stuck. I would hate to see you go to prison. I shudder to think what might happen to you there. I’m very sorry for your situation. My advice is to keep your relationship platonic or, if there is any chance at all, find a way to move to another country. Hugs, Papabear
2 Comments
Nice to meet you, Papabear!
My question is probably not too unique, but it's something I’ve been having a hard time getting any real clarity over. Without bogging you down with pages of medical jargon, I was born with a genetic disability called Spinal Muscular Atrophy, I am 100% wheelchair bound and require a lot of assistance eating, moving; it's... a lot of work; thankfully, I have very loving mate of about 6 years to help me. [Papabear notes: Spinal Muscular Atrophy is a genetic disorder that primarily affects the limb muscles—usually legs more than arms—but can also affect muscles that control breathing and other body functions. Types I and II can be very disabling and lethal, affecting children at a very young age, but since the writer of this letter is 26, I would surmise he has Type III, which, though disabling and increases chances for lung infections, still allows many patients to live a full lifespan.] Lately I've been thinking hard about getting a fursuit, attending cons and furmeets in my area, and meeting other furs. Now while I know there are many disabled furs out there that attend things like this, I'm afraid my condition and need of great amounts of assistance will make a lot of people uncomfortable or uneasy, and though I’d likely be in suit, I feel as though between my chair, and my mate and my 'sona's (I'm a Guilmon and he's an Eevee) we'd be very easily spotted out. I admit also IRL, I am a bit of a hermit, too, so a lot of it may be me simply overanalyzing. I guess my question mainly is: Have you personally seen many severely/chronically disabled furs in the community and maybe what to expect, or if maybe I should avoid the situations for the interest of keeping people comfortable? I've tried asking a few groups here and there, but I know it's an odd subject so I'm at a bit of a loss. Casper Epsilon (age 26) * * * Dear Casper, I know a couple of furries who are in wheelchairs. One, Anpu, is the head of my local furry group, the Inland Empire Furry Association. He has an Anubis mask and sometimes wears a partial. There is absolutely no reason why you could not get a partial (I'd suggest a partial would be better than a full suit—easier to put on, don’t ya know) and have fun being a Pokémon character with your mate. As for being noticed—er, that's a lot of the fun! Wearing my fursuit helps me to be more extroverted and have fun with people, and I would think that it could have the same effect on you, helping you to get out of your hermity behavior. I have seen a number of disabled furries at conventions, as well as a couple of senior citizens who are in wheelchairs. No one makes fun of them or is made uncomfortable by their presence; quite the contrary—I think most furries think it is super awesome to have them join in the fun. A big appeal of the furry fandom to disabled or chronically ill people is the fantasy of being freed by projecting one’s personality into a fursona and living out a fantasy on the Internet, a place where one’s physical limitations are not an issue. Many people like you just play out their furry life online, but there are a number of people, as mentioned above, and as you already know, who will go to furmeets and furcons and meet people in real life. As for needing assistance—actually, many people in fursuits have “handlers,” people who help them get around because your vision can be limited when you are in fursuit, so having someone help you because you are in a wheelchair and wearing a partial (or full?) fursuit will actually not be unusual at all. Your premise about which you are so concerned is that you fear that you will somehow upset other furries at a convention or meet if you appear in your chair with your mate helping you. You and I both know that that is just an excuse to give you a reason not to do something that makes you nervous and takes you out of your comfort zone. Don’t use other people as an excuse not to do something that deep down you want to do. It’s not their fault if you don’t go to a convention or a meet. Go because you want to go. If you don’t want to go, then admit it’s because you don’t want to go, not because you’re worried about other people being upset. Make sense? Remember, you only have one life. Don’t let fears and concerns about what people will say or think limit you in how you wish to live it. Hugs, Papabear Papabear,
There is a furry called Sky who kind of defends fursuit sex or somewhat (which is, of course, fine), but the way he does it makes it sound entirely horse-s@!#. Here is a stupid phrase he made up (I hope it's made up): “Fall in love with the fursuiter, never fall in love with the fursuit,” and he claims it's a common term. He claims that you must be attracted to the person inside and have nothing to do with the costume (AT ALL, I think) and whatever. Same thing with fursona icons or something. He thinks that if it affects some kind of “sexual orientation,” then somehow, to him, it might be a problem, I think. Not sure if that's what he meant, but it's really dumb when yet, to a lot of others, IT'S KIND OF THE POINT. I mean, I can understand if it takes over you in a life, damaging way, but having it as at least a requirement shouldn't be consider harmful at all. Especially if the person has no attraction to yucky, smelly humans (like it's a closet dream or something). I've never had sex in a fursuit before (though I should understand it by now), but I did kind of had a thing for icons as a symbol maybe. Without them, then it just feels pointless. Question is, do you agree or is it also fine to have it like this too? I've also wondered if it’s true that this kind of idea is common or it’s just him again. Diamond Man * * * Dear Diamond Man, Not to evoke your ire against me, but Papabear would agree with the statement, “Fall in love with the fursuiter, never fall in love with the fursuit.” What this says—and I haven’t heard it put this way before, so wouldn’t know if it is considered cliché within the fandom or not—is simply that you should not be shallow and base your relationships on appearances. It is a corollary to the much more familiar “beauty is only skin deep.” One might fall “in love” with a beautiful woman because she is extremely attractive, but if you court her and marry her only to find out that, inside, she is a very ugly person, then you have landed yourself in a very nasty situation. Any mature, deep relationship is based on a foundation of who each person is and not what he or she wears. Think of a fursuit as if it were clothing. Who would you rather fall in love with? A man who dresses impeccably in Hugo Boss and Armani but who does drugs, cheats, steals, and hurts other people? Or a guy who dresses in tattered jeans and a stained shirt but is kind, loving, and caring? Now, turn that Armani into an amazing dragon suit complete with movable wings, animatronic facial expressions, cool Medieval leather gear, and LED-glowing eyes. Inside that remarkable dragon is still a person who is a big, pardon me, piece of crap. And, guess what? That person is not going to wear that fursuit 24/7. If he or she is anything like me, the fursuit will only stay on a couple hours at most, and, once it comes off, voilá! Out comes the buttmunch whom you have chosen as a mate. As a furry, I certainly understand the physical attraction to fursuits, fursonas, avatars, furry art, etc. But I would never base a relationship just on that one aspect, and neither should you. Now, if you meet a super person and he or she happens to have an awesome fursuit, then bonus! But, if not, I certainly hope you wouldn’t reject someone in your life simply because you don’t care for that person’s fursona and fursuit. Such things should not be a requirement. As for whether or not this idea is “common,” I’ll let my readers chime in on that one. Papabear Papabear,
I have recently became a young new furry, and I am working on my Fursona. I am an artist, so I thought my creativeness would allow me to create a detailed Fursona that I would stick with. Though, things haven't been like that. I have the name thought out (Crystal), and the species too (Angel Dragon), but I just can't think of a design! I like huskies so I thought putting a husky pattern, with blue since it's my favorite color. Then I get new ideas, and I try to keep it simple since I want to fursuit one day. But then I keep getting new design ideas, and new color ideas! It's hard for me to stick with one! And I don't want multiple characters since I feel most comfortable with only one. I've tried looking on the internet for an idea I would stick with, but I want to use one that's beautiful, unique, and something that I can be comfortable with! Please help! Crystal the Angel Dragon (age 12) * * * Dear Crystal, Welcome to the fandom. I hope you enjoy your experiences with us. I find that fursonas are a reflection of our inner selves. As such, it is not at all surprising you are having a hard time settling on a fursona. Why? Because you are 12 years old, and at that age you are still discovering who you are as a person. If I had selected a fursona at your age, you would now be talking to a dragon, not a bear. Actually, I take that back. At your age, I was a wolf (because I loved Kipling’s Jungle Book and wanted to be part of Akela’s wolf pack), and then I entered my teen years and became fascinated by fantasy novels and loved dragons (had a large dragon figurine collection, too). I didn’t become a bear until I was in my 40s. I know I will be a bear from now on because I have finally learned who I really am inside. You will likely experience the same transitions yourself as you go through puberty and wiggle your way into adulthood. Don’t be perplexed, flummoxed, or aggravated, therefore, that you are still figuring out your fursona. Too, as an artist, you are naturally fascinated by color, so experimenting with that can be a lot of fun. Color preferences will also change with time (me: blue to green and now definitely orange). You will not be the same person at 18 that you are now at 12, and you will not be the same person at 30 or 40 that you will be at 18. I used to think that people do not change, but I was so wrong about that. They do, and you will too, and so will your fursona. Nothing is written in stone, and if you pick a fursona now that is a blue angel dragon named Crystal, but later you change to, say, a green husky named Daphne, there’s nothing wrong with that. Go ahead and be who you are now and don’t worry about the future. Enjoy being a 12 year old angel dragon, have fun with it. Life is to be enjoyed now. Hugs, Papabear I am a scalie (lightning dragon, simply put) who is an artist that has been said to have a gorgeous expertise in backgrounds and scenery. The benefits of being an artist in this field can provide plenty of options, but it's not usually easy to come by good networking and marketing, as any artist would have their hardships of.
As I have noticed, plenty of notable artists in the fandom draw characters and body arts as their niche; a western-world idealism in the glories of visual art. I, however, am the reverse; excellent at backgrounds, faulty at characters. Should I be proud of this in my efforts to keep drawing and improving naturally? My question however is: If I'm so good at backgrounds, why am I not entirely happy as an artist in the fandom? One of such main issues I've been having is that my character art skills are quite off and result in unpolished works of what I draw and paint, whether traditionally hand-drawn or digital. (I do both) The dream of wanting to cooperate and collaborate on their backgrounds with some of the best and/or biggest artists within the entire world of the furry community is a euphorically uplifting thought, especially when they need help. This desire is even more illuminating when it comes to artists I also want to meet and kindly befriend altogether. If I improve greatly and fluidly on the characters, I can draw just about anything in the flat world of 2D visual arts, both physically and digitally. This can also include drawing (web)comics, graphic novels, character illustrations, and other great forms of art. In fact, I'd love to invent a new type at some point; I enjoy a good innovation, yet quality comes first in my eyes. Again, thrilling, but I need to know what to do from here to execute better artworks. I'd eventually want to do 3D, crafting, animation, and other forms of visual arts outside of the canvas, papers, and flat surfaces. Oddly enough, I no longer have any intention to involve money in the midst of any artworks anymore, since it has put me forth a lot of undue stress in the past whether I gain money or spend money, and vice versa with the any other party and client involved. Materialism and money has been flooded all over the visual art side of the furry fandom, especially on the most accessible ones like SoFurry, FurAffinity, Inkbunny, etc. I do art passionately however, as I have been drawing since I was nearly 1 years old (could you believe that?) starting with a smiley face on a red phone book using a writing pen. I'd love to become a video game artist or something just as majestic and positively productive as my primary dream career. I won't give up; I just need guidance, is all. Thank you very much for the availability of asking, and I appreciate any answers. ~Azure (age 21) * * * Hi, Azure, First of all, to state the obvious, why are you so worried about character art skills if you’re not trying to draw for money? If all you wish to do is create art for the joy of making art, then draw what you enjoy and who cares about the rest? The emphasis in the fandom, as you’ve noticed, is on character art, not backgrounds, because people are looking for things like avatars and other depictions of their characters, or drawings of characters they enjoy. If you wish to gain acceptance there, you will need to improve you character drawing a bit (although not much, really). You and I both know that the only way to do that is to practice, practice, practice. Same is true if you are unsatisfied as an artist because you feel like you are too limited in your abilities and want to branch out into, using an example you gave, graphic novels and the like. That said, I checked out some of your art online (http://www.furaffinity.net/gallery/azureparagon/) and it is gorgeous. Your background art is stunning. Yes, your character art is not quite at the same level, but while that background level is amazing, your character art is still pretty darn good. Now, if you never get to be as good an artist in the area of drawing animals, people, anthros, etc., that you wish to be, you can certainly still make it as an artist in this world. There are many many opportunities out there for you. You could, for example, create computer screen art, skateboard and surfboard art, book covers, record covers, commercial arts, art for stage production backgrounds, textile arts, background art for animated films, video games, and even live-action films, or simply be a landscape/still life/abstract traditional artist. Many people purchase such paintings for their homes and offices. Given what I saw online, you could become accomplished in any of those areas, if you were willing to try. So, when you ask the question, “If I'm so good at backgrounds, why am I not entirely happy as an artist in the fandom?” the answer depends on point of view. If you are limiting yourself to the furry fandom, then you are not satisfied because the fandom emphasizes characters over backgrounds and might not fully appreciate backgrounds (although I saw some comments on your posts and they were pretty darn positive); but if you are asking for yourself, I would say the answer is because you feel like you should be more well-rounded as an artist in your subject matter. Both problems can be corrected with more practice. You could, for example, take some classes in figure drawing, either at a college or from a private instructor. In my opinion, however, I’d say you are already an accomplished artist and there is a lot you could do with the skills you already have. Depending on what you wish to do with those skills—a decision entirely up to you—will determine your course from this point forward. Good luck! Papabear Papabear,
So, I'm going to use fake names ... just to try and keep this under wraps, just in case. About 17 months ago, I went into a relationship with two other furs: James and Kevin, which lasted for three months, but those three months did leave a strong imprint on myself.... After the three months, James had a dream about me. I think it was me chasing him with a knife. He told everyone about it, but left out the fact it was a dream. That pretty much got me kicked out and sent home. Ever since then me and Kevin have been talking. For the first few months, him and James still dated until around mid July (everything happened very end of April, first day of May). While my relationship with James started to become a clockwork of us unblocking each other, getting close, then one of us freaking out, and re-blocking. Me and Kevin slowly would get more and more deep with our conversations, to the point we shared some things you wouldn't normally unless you trusted someone 500%. I even saved up $600 (after being out of work for almost a year) to go and see him. During that time I asked him if he loved me, and he told me there's a spark, but no. I didn't fully believe that and knew he had deeper feelings. Sometime after I left, Kevin and James got back together. Now they both told me that it was over between them, but I think due to the fact James was away from Kevin for the first time, and the fact he was going to lose his job helped trigger the answer of yes; also they were in couples counseling, when they got back together. Now it’s been about five months since then. Me and Kevin are closer to each other than Kevin and James, who are dating and live together. Me and Kevin can’t go a day without at least talking a little bit. I know deep down he (Kevin) loves me to the point of something more than just dating. But he won't break up with James, even when he knows there is nothing between them. Kevin told me before he wonders if what he had was real. I know it is, and I know deep down I know he knows. How can I bring out that “I'm sure” feeling in him? King Kitty (21) * * * Dear King, I know you’ve been talking to “Kevin” a lot, but sometimes with think we know what’s inside another person’s head when we really don’t. You say that Kevin loves you and that you are closer to Kevin than James is. Have you heard the cliché “actions speak louder than words?” If Kevin loves you more than James, then he should be with you, but he’s with James, isn’t he? (Not sure what the purpose of all that stuff about James and his dream were about, unless you’re trying to show that James is a bad person and not worthy of Kevin’s attention. Not sure why you got kicked out—out of where? Living with them?) Yes, Kevin and James are having troubles, it appears, but Kevin also cares enough to go into couples counseling, which shows that he is willing to put time and energy into the relationship, and you don’t do that with someone you don’t care about. Stop fooling yourself, King Kitty. He told you he didn’t love you, so you need to accept that. Sorry for the bad news. Papabear Papabear,
So I've been friends with at least two furs here in my town, and one of them recently introduced me to another one, named Rahne. I met him a few days ago, and after we goofed around a bit, we started fooling around. He had said that he was looking for "friends with benefits" and I was cool with that, even though I had mentioned that I have been single for 5 give months now. Well, recently (as in a few days ago), he asked what I looked for in mate. I told him, and he nodded. He's been wanting to hang out as much as possible. And I always feel a bit uncomfortable about it. Mainly because I've been trying to balance work, family and friends. But I'm not sure if he's considered dating me. I mean, he's nice, sweet, funny, hot, and a gamer like me. But I keep getting nervous when he asks to hang out more and such. I'm not sure if he is "the One,” but I'm scared that the more I let nervousness take hold, that I'll just push him away. How do I get over my nervousness so that I can enjoy my time with him? Jesse (age 21) * * * Dear Jesse, Have you explored why you are nervous? It can’t be because this is your first relationship, since you’re 21 and implied you have been in relationships before. So, my guess, though you don’t say it, is that you have been burned in earlier relationships and now you’re gun shy. Based solely on what you’ve written here, this guy seems like a pretty good match for you. You share interests, he’s nice, and you find him physically attractive. In my book, those are the Big Three: good personality, compatibility, and physical desirability. What more could you want? To get over your nervousness, you must explore what it is about a relationship that scares you. Are you afraid of failing at it? Are you afraid of being hurt? Are you, after five month, simply not ready, emotionally and mentally, for a new serious relationship and need a little more time for yourself? If the latter, I can understand that. You might just not be ready yet, which is okay. Don’t rush into things and, if the new guy starts to press you, explain to him that you aren’t prepared for that yet. If it is a matter of being afraid, this is psychologically understandable, too. However, if you ever wish to have another committed relationship again in your life, you’ll need to overcome this. You can start by realizing that just because you had a bad experience before doesn’t guarantee you will again. You need to give the new guy a chance to prove himself. A common mistake when people get into relationships is moving too fast. For example, leaping into bed or saying “I love you” before you really feel it deep inside. (Although, judging by your agreement to be friends with benefits, it sounds like you already had sex—a faux pas in my opinion, if that has occurred already; how far did the "fooling around" go?). Even so, just because this guy has an interest in you doesn’t mean you have to commit to something right away. Go slowly. Have a few friendly one-on-one dates in public places before moving to a more intimate setting, like your home (where have you been "hanging out"?) Don’t freak yourself out by asking yourself if he’s “The One.” Don’t put yourself on some artificial deadline that you must decide what your status will be right now. He might the one; he might not be. There’s no hurry to find out. Chill a bit and don’t psych yourself out. Enjoy the ride before you get to the destination. Good luck! Papabear Papabear,
I am 19. Through the course of my life people have made me believe it's the year of golden opportunity for me something that defines my life forever. And I'm not doing anything with it. I wanted to go to college, but due to circumstances that didn't work. So instead I wanted to go to New York and help in volunteer work. That didn't work out either. So now I'm left with just me, I don't have a license, I don't have a job, and I'm not doing anything. And I know I shouldn't be in a rush to finish life, but shouldn't I be starting a life? Majora * * * Dear Majora, One of the toughest, most stressful things in life is trying to decide your career and all your future life before you even are 20 years old. We are all so constantly pushed about this that it can make many of us miserable, and we can often make the wrong decisions. In the good ol’ days (geezer alert!), when milk came to your door via horse-drawn wagon there was a common system of apprenticeship. Only rich, educated families typically went to colleges and universities. Most other people worked in retail, trades, and factories. You were pretty much assigned from the time you were born as to which direction you would go, with a few exceptions of some brilliant people born to families of modest means. Today, it is expected that everyone should go to college and if you don’t you are somehow a loser. This system is wrong-headed, and also crippled by the fact that our public education system is woefully inadequate and dominated more by Washington politics than common sense. So, what happens, inevitably, is a lot of young people drop out of school, or they join the military, or they keep trying to get into college, not really knowing why they should and, like you, feeling lost. I’m not sure what type of volunteer work you were looking to do in New York, or why that idea fell flat, but what you need to do is take some time to decide what you want to do with your life. Don’t rush it. Think of hobbies and interests you have and how that might relate to a career. Don’t limit yourself to careers that need a college degree. You know, some people are really skilled with their hands. I have great respect for people who are talented carpenters, plumbers, mechanics, electricians, and the like. Or perhaps you enjoy working retail. Nothing wrong with that. Maybe you want to start an online business. There’s lots of potential out there to start businesses with little start-up money. You do not have to determine the course of the rest of your existence today. Even if you decided on a career path, remember that it is now common for people to change careers three or four times during their lives. For instance, I started off wanting to be a sci-fi/fantasy novelist. Well, that didn’t work out so well. Now I’m an editor, but I want to do something more profitable and am seriously considering some business options. You never know where life will take you, so don’t panic just because you aren’t sure right now. Also, remember that we are more than just our careers. Life is not all about work. If you succeed in other aspects of your life (family, love, spiritualism, etc.) but don’t do so well at a career, you’re still having a successful life. For a little inspiration, here are some examples of famous people who started off sucking at life:
You get the idea. So, don’t be discouraged just because you’re having a rough start. What do all the people listed above have in common? They never gave up trying. Follow their examples and you'll be okay. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
As you can see I'm sort of on the younger side of the fandom but this doesn't change my love for it. I've been in love with anything and everything furry for almost two years now. I just recently "came out" per say, I told my parents about me being a furry. I showed them some fur suit picture, some cute anthros I drew up over the years, thoroughly explaining that it's a big deal to me but for them just to consider it a hobby. That was two weeks ago and I still haven't heard a break from the constant teasing and bullying. They told me yesterday, "Why can't you just be a normal teenager like Destiny?" It hurts so bad that not even my parents can accept me, I already get enough teasing being open at school. I mean, my best friend keeps calling me a creep. I guess this is a question of acceptance. How am I supposed to deal with all of this coming from all the people I love most? Please let me know. Your Admirer, Galix (16) * * * Dear Galix, I suppose your parents miss the irony in having a child named “Destiny” while telling you that you must conform. Hmmm...? And if your “best friend” calls you a “creep,” then time to find a new best friend. If any of MY friends called me names, I would certainly question the quality of that friendship. I would never treat them in such a manner and expect the same kindness from them. You should, too. The biggest cause of mental distress in humans is the unrequited desire to please one’s parents and to be accepted by them, as well as by one’s peers. You will find millions of people on psychologists’ couches because they never felt they were accepted by the most important people in their early lives. This is understandable, because as infants, toddlers, and young children, we depend upon our elders for everything from food and shelter to being a role model for our behaviors. They are the people we look up to, and so their opinions have great power over us to either nurture us or torment us. Such is the touchstone of parenting: good parents nurture (but not to the point of indulging their children’s every whim), bad ones torment. But if you are to become an adult, and a fully-realized person, you have to overcome your need for approval from others and learn the biggest lesson of all: the only voice of approval that really matters is your own. If you do not approve of yourself, if you do not like yourself, you will be miserable all your days. But if you DO like yourself and feel comfortable in your own skin, then the opinions of others will ricochet off you like bullets off Superman’s chest. I would like to recommend two books by don Miguel Ruiz to you: The Four Agreements and The Fifth Agreement. The author explains in these books, using concepts developed by the Toltecs, how to live life on your own terms. You can likely find inexpensive, used paperbacks on Amazon.com. In the meantime, you have to deal with the current bullying situation. When it comes to school peers, you have to deal with them at their intellectual level (mostly, brutish), which is why I suggest learning some self-defense. Becoming physically fit and not being shy about it is a highly effective way to shut bullies up, since most bullies are cowardly slime who back down from a fight when pressed. Another way is to be more clever than they are. I wrote about this in a column back in March (http://www.askpapabear.com/letters/she-is-teased-at-school-for-wearing-a-tail). As for your parents, since you can’t beat them up (small joke).... Have you told them that they are hurting your feelings? This is a very tough thing to do, I’ll admit. It’s hard to, basically, criticize your parents’ parenting. The way to approach such a delicate topic is by doing so with understanding, remembering that, while they are your elders, they are also just human. So, preface a conversation with something like: “Mom, Dad, I know you’re only thinking of my well-being, but....” and go on to explain that being a furry is who you are, and if they can’t accept that, then it makes you feel like they don’t accept you either. Many parents don’t get that being a furry is, for many, more than a hobby like collecting dolls or being a Trekkie; it is who many of us are. If you can make your parents understand that, then, hopefully, the teasing will stop. Hope this helps! Good luck! Papabear |
Categories
All
A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.
|