I am gay & no one knows. I have not come out to anyone. I wish I was straight like a normal person every single day; it drives me crazy for being like this. I just want to be normal & love girls, enjoy the normal stuff in life.
So my story is about this guy I first saw with one of my good friends 3 or 4 years back & I thought he was cute and that’s all. We didn’t talk much; slowly I got to know him more & I suddenly had this crush on him, which was normal, and I could handle it cause I knew he is straight. Few months down he left for his college.
But now he is back after 1 year and it still stayed normal with him; then he started calling me to hangout (not alone, with other friends, too) and texting me; more & more we hang out I noticed few things like he looks at me every time. If bunch of us go out to grab some drinks he would sit next to me or on the opposite side of me and I can see he looks at me from the corner of my eye & if I look at him he would look away, even if we are standing out he would come stand next to me. I have tried to sit so close to him that our hands or legs just touch little and he wouldn't move away. In all this he talks about hot girls and says “Look at that ass.” I know he has dated a few girls, which lasts only few months. I know he is very much straight & I also know he had sex recently.
The problem is I text him now all the time. He does it, too, but his replies are like he is being safe and wont express much. He agrees to go watch movies, have dinner alone just the two of us. All this made me fall for him and its driving me crazy. When he speaks to girls or guys I get so jealous it gets me stressed. I if I didn’t know where he is I think he is with someone and I get stressed again. But I know there is no future in this, but just when I try to like move on I catch him staring at me. I look at him, he looks away. Sometimes he looks at me many times I even lose count. At times I look at him and he catches me. I just smile back and look away. If I get close to any other guy/girl jokingly he does react like he is irritated. Out of the blue he will just call me just to talk for long time not hours yet! Once he even kissed me on the cheeks when he was drunk, which we never spoke about it cause its normal I guess. Our friends say “You guys are always together,” but his reaction is nothing but a smile.
So after all this I think about him every day when I wake up, when I sleep, when I eat, everything I do I think about him. So what do I do now from here? I am not gonna tell him I am gay; that’s just not possible. Where do I go from here? I have tried so much for some reaction but that kiss from him was the only happy part. Or am I just thinking too much and he is just being a very good friend?
Kevin B (26, United Arab Emirates)
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You likely know this, but for the benefit of my readers I will quickly state that in the United Arab Emirates it is against the law to have a same-sex relationship—not just marriage, but relationship, period. If you are caught having a homosexual relationship, the punishment can be 10 or more years in prison. Punishment can be as strict as deportation (applies mostly to gay foreigners) or, in the case of consensual sodomy, even the death penalty.
Given this, it is no wonder that gay people in the UAE would be extremely nervous to show their affections to one another, especially in public. Just the fact that your friends are beginning to notice that you two hang out together a lot might make both of you a bit anxious.
It is unfortunate that you live in such a hostile environment. The ideal solution would be for you to move to a country that is more accepting of you, such as the Netherlands. Chances are this is not a very feasible option for you, however; but, if it is, it would be recommended. Many cultures in the Middle East, Africa, and elsewhere make it damn near impossible for the LGBT community to be themselves. Even in the United States, you have to live in a more liberal area like I do (southern California) than in other areas like Michigan or Georgia (interestingly, Minneapolis, Minnesota, is actually a gay-friendly community).
Anyway, back to your crush. My instinct tells me that your instinct is probably correct. He probably does like you but is terrified to say so, just as you are terrified to come out of the closet. Who wouldn’t be? His bragging about his sexual exploits with women are done loudly because he wants to assure everyone that he is straight.
Having never lived in a country where I could be thrown in prison simply for loving someone, I honestly do not know how to advise you. If you were in a more liberal-minded nation, I would tell you to go ahead and tell the other guy that you have feelings for him and let the cards fall where they may. However, if you did so in the UAE, you might scare him off, or, worse, get the two of you into trouble.
For your own safety, I would have to advise you two to just behave as friends. It makes me sad to have to say that, but unless you can get your butts out of that country—or the UAE suddenly changes its homophobic laws (unlikely in any Islamic state, since the Qur’an is very clear that homosexuality is against God’s laws)—you are rather stuck. I would hate to see you go to prison. I shudder to think what might happen to you there.
I’m very sorry for your situation. My advice is to keep your relationship platonic or, if there is any chance at all, find a way to move to another country.
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