Is This Guy "The One"? Maybe, But This Furry Is Pressuring Himself Too Much to Decide

Papabear,

So I've been friends with at least two furs here in my town, and one of them recently introduced me to another one, named Rahne. I met him a few days ago, and after we goofed around a bit, we started fooling around. He had said that he was looking for "friends with benefits" and I was cool with that, even though I had mentioned that I have been single for 5 give months now. 

Well, recently (as in a few days ago), he asked what I looked for in mate. I told him, and he nodded. He's been wanting to hang out as much as possible. And I always feel a bit uncomfortable about it. Mainly because I've been trying to balance work, family and friends. But I'm not sure if he's considered dating me.

I mean, he's nice, sweet, funny, hot, and a gamer like me. But I keep getting nervous when he asks to hang out more and such. I'm not sure if he is "the One,” but I'm scared that the more I let nervousness take hold, that I'll just push him away. How do I get over my nervousness so that I can enjoy my time with him?

Jesse (age 21)

* * *

Dear Jesse,

Have you explored why you are nervous? It can’t be because this is your first relationship, since you’re 21 and implied you have been in relationships before. So, my guess, though you don’t say it, is that you have been burned in earlier relationships and now you’re gun shy.

Based solely on what you’ve written here, this guy seems like a pretty good match for you. You share interests, he’s nice, and you find him physically attractive. In my book, those are the Big Three: good personality, compatibility, and physical desirability. What more could you want?

To get over your nervousness, you must explore what it is about a relationship that scares you. Are you afraid of failing at it? Are you afraid of being hurt? Are you, after five month, simply not ready, emotionally and mentally, for a new serious relationship and need a little more time for yourself? If the latter, I can understand that. You might just not be ready yet, which is okay. Don’t rush into things and, if the new guy starts to press you, explain to him that you aren’t prepared for that yet.

If it is a matter of being afraid, this is psychologically understandable, too. However, if you ever wish to have another committed relationship again in your life, you’ll need to overcome this. You can start by realizing that just because you had a bad experience before doesn’t guarantee you will again. You need to give the new guy a chance to prove himself.

A common mistake when people get into relationships is moving too fast. For example, leaping into bed or saying “I love you” before you really feel it deep inside. (Although, judging by your agreement to be friends with benefits, it sounds like you already had sex—a faux pas in my opinion, if that has occurred already; how far did the "fooling around" go?). Even so, just because this guy has an interest in you doesn’t mean you have to commit to something right away. Go slowly. Have a few friendly one-on-one dates in public places before moving to a more intimate setting, like your home (where have you been "hanging out"?) Don’t freak yourself out by asking yourself if he’s “The One.” Don’t put yourself on some artificial deadline that you must decide what your status will be right now. He might the one; he might not be. There’s no hurry to find out. Chill a bit and don’t psych yourself out. Enjoy the ride before you get to the destination.

Good luck!

Papabear