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  • Ask Papabear

He Believes a Cool Fursuit or Fursona Should Be a Relationship Requirement

7/8/2014

7 Comments

 
Papabear,

There is a furry called Sky who kind of defends fursuit sex or somewhat (which is, of course, fine), but the way he does it makes it sound entirely horse-s@!#.

Here is a stupid phrase he made up (I hope it's made up): “Fall in love with the fursuiter, never fall in love with the fursuit,” and he claims it's a common term. He claims that you must be attracted to the person inside and have nothing to do with the costume (AT ALL, I think) and whatever. Same thing with fursona icons or something.

He thinks that if it affects some kind of “sexual orientation,” then somehow, to him, it might be a problem, I think. Not sure if that's what he meant, but it's really dumb when yet, to a lot of others, IT'S KIND OF THE POINT.

I mean, I can understand if it takes over you in a life, damaging way, but having it as at least a requirement shouldn't be consider harmful at all. Especially if the person has no attraction to yucky, smelly humans (like it's a closet dream or something).

I've never had sex in a fursuit before (though I should understand it by now), but I did kind of had a thing for icons as a symbol maybe. Without them, then it just feels pointless.

Question is, do you agree or is it also fine to have it like this too? I've also wondered if it’s true that this kind of idea is common or it’s just him again.

Diamond Man

* * *

Dear Diamond Man,

Not to evoke your ire against me, but Papabear would agree with the statement, “Fall in love with the fursuiter, never fall in love with the fursuit.” What this says—and I haven’t heard it put this way before, so wouldn’t know if it is considered cliché within the fandom or not—is simply that you should not be shallow and base your relationships on appearances. It is a corollary to the much more familiar “beauty is only skin deep.” One might fall “in love” with a beautiful woman because she is extremely attractive, but if you court her and marry her only to find out that, inside, she is a very ugly person, then you have landed yourself in a very nasty situation.

Any mature, deep relationship is based on a foundation of who each person is and not what he or she wears. Think of a fursuit as if it were clothing. Who would you rather fall in love with? A man who dresses impeccably in Hugo Boss and Armani but who does drugs, cheats, steals, and hurts other people? Or a guy who dresses in tattered jeans and a stained shirt but is kind, loving, and caring? Now, turn that Armani into an amazing dragon suit complete with movable wings, animatronic facial expressions, cool Medieval leather gear, and LED-glowing eyes. Inside that remarkable dragon is still a person who is a big, pardon me, piece of crap.

And, guess what? That person is not going to wear that fursuit 24/7. If he or she is anything like me, the fursuit will only stay on a couple hours at most, and, once it comes off, voilá! Out comes the buttmunch whom you have chosen as a mate.

As a furry, I certainly understand the physical attraction to fursuits, fursonas, avatars, furry art, etc. But I would never base a relationship just on that one aspect, and neither should you. Now, if you meet a super person and he or she happens to have an awesome fursuit, then bonus! But, if not, I certainly hope you wouldn’t reject someone in your life simply because you don’t care for that person’s fursona and fursuit. Such things should not be a requirement.

As for whether or not this idea is “common,” I’ll let my readers chime in on that one.

Papabear
7 Comments
Diamond Man
7/13/2014 09:25:21 am

I think you might of misread my point..
If you are talking about that it's a bad idea to just fall-in love with an appearance without much personality, then I will agree to the point that yes, this can SORT OF be a bad idea (Depends).. Responsibility comes in a lot in this generally.

I was trying to defend that, it's PART of the point to get with someone generally when it comes to liking someone under the "Furry Spirit".. I don't think I was saying, it must be only that.. NOR to everyone in case you were saying I think. I was saying it's a requirement with a personality in both.

For general appearance.. I think I was saying that it's often "required" in ORDER for someone to love someone great, and not right..
Like it's not just about personality, it's often about both.. That's why when someone is a heterosexual... The opposite sex has something to do with the body as part of the love.

Think about this in a furry way where the guy (Like me) hates the body of a human, but IN ORDER for something to work out if I wanted a relationship, it could be something like this as a requirement when having sex (for example) or some other thing (e.g. Random moments like cuddling?).. Due to certain people's sexuality being very different, (but the guy still wanted some relationship), this would be helpful at least for the start of someone liking someone..

I know there can be times when a person may stop liking, or not wear, use, whatever.. But don't blame the start of the liking first, blame the responsibility which say, if the person stops, then it's not much of anyone's fault here I think.


Anyway, that guy.. He was saying something that you must be attracted to the human body as a whole, in "order" to do it "right" or that it must ONLY be the personality, nothing to do with attraction. And that offends me...

Seriously, when it comes to me as a furry, I'm more different and that it might have something to do that matches with furry liking or something for it to work.. My brain and generics will never accept an >>empty body, with only the personality<<... and I see nothing wrong with that..

Similar to heterosexual.. It's not just personality.. It's often the opposite sex body for many kinds of people.

Your Gay right? Imagine thinking that it's OK for you to fall in love with the opposite instead of the same sex because you know, under that one idea: "It's only about the personality!" >_>
Get it? That's kind of why I say it's a "requirement" at FIRST.

I really hope you understand this...

-Diamond Man

Reply
Papabear
7/13/2014 10:11:04 am

Okay, I am trying to understand your meaning. Please do not take offense, but your letter and this comment are difficult for me to read because the language is rather convoluted and there are some problems with grammar, etc.

Anyway, so, what you are trying to say, I think, is that--while maybe not having to deal with a fursuit--you are not attracted to the human form so the person you fall for must be a furry and must want to have sex as an anthro and with an anthro, correct? That is, you are physically attracted to anthros and not to Homo sapiens.

Similarly, you point out that a heterosexual would only be attracted to the opposite sex, and a homosexual to the same sex. We could extend this, I imagine, to some people only being attracted to people of a certain race, or hair color, or body build, and so on.

I agree that physical attraction is part of the equation. I was initially attracted to Yogi, for example, because he's a larger man. But, by that same token, if he were to lose a lot of weight, I would still love him. So, while something like an attraction to an anthro might initially draw you to someone, it is still the person inside that matters the most. Am I gay? Yes, but if you have read some of my letters you would also find that I still love my ex, a woman.

If you are talking about mere physical appearance and sexuality, then you are correct; but if you are talking about something deeper, then love has to do with the person.

You see this theme all the time in fiction, such as in Disney films. Belle falls in love with Beast, even though she isn't physically attracted to him. In the recent "Maleficent" (spoiler alert to those of you who haven't seen it!) Maleficent loves Aurora, even though she is supposed to hate the girl, because Aurora is beautiful inside. In mythology, Polyphonte fell in love with a bear.

So, love is possible without the requirement of physical compatibility. While I admit it can be a powerful factor, I feel that you are limiting yourself to your own detriment by making it a requirement.

Reply
Diamond Man
7/13/2014 04:11:23 pm

I might admit.. My grammar isn't very perfect. So I apologize I think.

Yes sort of, I don't want to go further with this personality but I could say yes, I think.
Reading the rest of your letter, honestly, I will say some of your reply is still offensive because many people always have the requirement.. Maybe some don't but that doesn't mean everyone else (Who did it differently) must feel bad just because of the way they "fell in love" in the first place. So basically, you are agreeing with that guy that you must like a fur suit person in a "certain" way or else your guilty. As I said, you might as well have "normal" (I.e. No suit) sex in terms of the fur-suit debate.

You also say I'm "limiting" my self for this.. Wow man...
I guess I should feel guilty for loving someone because of how I got attracted at the person first?
I could say that personality is limited too then...
Honestly, I can understand the idea of when the person, "changes" or doesn't want to do it anymore but it seems very unhealthy to suggest that you must still be married and be a happy couple, by destroying sexuality all together (Because fursuit is like a way to be aroused or something to some, don't know maybe) or if the person unmarried, that doesn't mean the first thing is bad, that's just all responsibility.


Though, I don't know if it's a good idea to use "fiction movies" to prove your point about people falling in love.. Honestly the way I "fall in love" (Not what you would expect) is more different than that..
It's not really fair to suggest that the way I'm doing it or others is a "limit" or "your doing it wrong"..
This also reminds me of an episode of Futurama where Leela complained about looks and near the end, they switched to different bodies, and Fry and Leela (Leela was in the body of Zoidberg and Fry was in the body of the professor) decided to make out anyway even if they were in different bodies.. You are sort of telling me that if a person fails to be in love now, because of a very different look, then it's "never" been true love or they should feel guilty.

_________

Maybe I'm just confusing you.. In case you were thinking, romantic relationship is often about a requirement to many people in terms of sexuality, and romanticism.. Honestly 99.1% of people always have the ways of the body in the first place..
If you are also using terms like "basic love" (E.g. Family love, or friends) then I totally get your point, but to many people about falling in love.. Sexuality can often takes a big role to some or even a lot.

I'm not against other people who does it the non-looks way. I'm just defending the fact that people shouldn't feel bad if there had to be a requirement as love and romanticism..
Most people have love thanks to "looks" first I think...
It's not like I'm saying that it's only about it.. Basically thanks to an attraction: Emotions, and personality gets into place right after, like deep respect, etc.. This however, happens thanks to the looks at the same time..

Honestly I had a feeling you would be a bit bias against my idea, so I'm not very surprised... Sorry.
Oh and by the way, I agree that there may be sort of an important slightly more in terms of being attractive.. Mainly because of consent, and happiness, it's just while being attracted while doing so; a small requirement too to some when it comes to attracted.

Diamond Man
7/13/2014 09:27:50 am

"ORDER for someone to love someone great, and not right.."
Not sure what I meant here when looking back.. xD Maybe I meant "what not" not sure.

Also note: Not every furry is like this, I meant some furries too.

Reply
Papabear
7/14/2014 02:00:42 am

Hi, Diamond Man,

You are misunderstanding me. I'm not trying to lay a guilt trip on you. I am not saying it's wrong to fall in love, at least initially, because of a physical attraction. I am in no way condemning fursuit or fursona sex or your preference for anthros in the bedroom. I am simply saying that it is possible you are rejecting some potential mates who could make you very happy in life because they are terrific people--all because they don't meet this one requirement. It is perfectly possible that you will find what you are looking for and be happy, and I hope that you do, but I get letters all the time from furries who say they are struggling to find a mate, and a big reason why is because they only place they are looking is within the fandom. What you are saying reminds me a bit of older men who only date young beautiful women because they are only concerned about looks. This can work if the older man is rich and attracts a gold digger, but once that beautiful woman gets a bit long in the tooth, the older man dumps her. Why? Because he's shallow. If you just want to have fursuit sex, go for it. But if you want a deep, true love and reject someone who could be that person because they are not into it like you are, then that's just plain foolish. That's simply my opinion. And, like all letters on this website, you do not have to listen to me. Good luck!

Reply
SonicMaster
5/20/2016 10:23:16 pm

An article that is closely related to my next step in figuring out what to do. So I have something to say.

For me specifically, there are three things I must have in a marriage with a girl:

1) Actually loving her as a human being.
2) Same religion as me and faithfulness to its teachings.
3) Physical attraction, but doesn't have to be perfect.

For me, #3 is difficult because although I find girls in their natural human form to be good looking, it doesn't produce any sexual or romantic feelings for me. The way I want to bridge this gap is with fursuits, because anthropomorphics are indeed sexually attractive to me, a lot.

I imagine I probably won't do fursuit dating, but I may change my mind on that. I will say that holding hands sounds nice, but holding paws would be much more interesting.

I am not going to be picky on the fursuit choice for me or my wife. I also was considering the idea of multiple fursuits for both me and the girl I marry, but I realize that that's very expensive.

I would always keep in mind that it's the girl I'm marrying. If I didn't like the girl for who she is, I wouldn't marry her. It would be the costumes and fursona that I would find attractive. If costumes couldn't be part of the marriage, I don't think I could marry her for that reason either.

I realize I put myself in pretty difficult limitations. But I would rather take the time and effort to go the long, hard journey. I haven't dated in two years because I realize I don't get turned on by girls. But if I can find someone who meets those three requirements, then it will probably work. My problem is that I don't know where to look.

Reply
SonicMaster
5/21/2016 12:09:49 am

I should clarify. I've tried dating in the "mundane" world already, and I feel greatly discouraged. It often felt like a chore and an attempt to conform to society.
I've never attempted dating in the furry world ever. That sounds genuinely exciting, but I don't know how to even start. Knowing my attractions, I feel like for me I would only find the girl I'm looking for in furry world. Even then, I must find a girl who is truly wonderful in order to marry. I am not just going to marry any random girl in furry world that has an attractive costume.

Reply



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