Note to readers: Papabear is trying something a little different today. I've had a couple letters where I had to write back to the furry to find out more information before I could respond in a helpful way. I thought it might be interesting to post below a conversation I had with one furry that shows the thought process behind offering advice.
Athelstan: I'm a 35 year old bear and I just bought a house all by myself. I'm finding myself lost on how to make it into my den. The feeling that I can do just about anything. I want my place to be open for others and to reflect who I am, but I must know who I am. Any ideas on how I sort this out and trust myself enough to make a home my den? Papabear: Dear Athelstan, to help you I need a little more background. You say you are 35 and just bought your own place. Where were you before now? Were you married? Living with family or roommates? Tell me a little more about yourself, including your experience as a furry. Athelstan: For the last year I was in a duplex. Hard to do much to a rental place. Before that I was renting the basement of the house I bought with my ex that we had sold to a friend. So I had been living with my good bunny since 2003. He knows how to decorate and I let him do his own thing. We separated in 2008. He was co-dependent and I was a depressive. A bad combination. He just wanted to make me happy, and nothing would make me happy. I've been through years of therapy and am doing much better. I'm getting out, being social. My house came almost as a lark. Low house prices, along with a greatly increased 401k allowed me to get a house. So I find that making my house a home is pressing me on my issue with individuation. More about me. I'm a geek. I fix computers for a college/hospital. I had a hard childhood. I wish "It gets better" was around when I was growing up. I was mostly alone until High School. My parents benignly ignored me. There was lots of arguments and drama in my family so I learned that being emotional or stating what I liked was wrong. I'm learning to be emotional, but it may be my lifelong journey to become emotional. As an escape I read and that is where I really became a furry. I've made three fursuits. I've written a story. My fursonas change as I like. I see my furry selves to be an idealistic reflection of myself. My bear, Greg, is a gruff trucker who loves his cigars and being with other big burly men. My dragon or bear (depending on mood) Athelstan is a historian. I have few others I roleplay with, but that's for wanting to play in naughty ways. Papabear: Interesting what you say about your parents. Are you from a white Anglo-Saxon background? Athelstan: Indeed. Very religious. Papabear: A Protestant denomination? may I ask? Athelstan: Church of Christ. My parents were very hypocritical, and I internalized the guilt and shame when I found that out. Papabear: Hence your depression, which is likely the reason why you couldn't discover who you were. I have a similar story. My father was such a homophobe that I internalized my sexuality to the point I didn't realize I was gay until I was 40. Parents can really mess with your head, but, in the end, we are responsible for our own self-discovery. Athelstan: Indeed. I'm about to the point that I've lived on my own as long as I lived with them, and I'm much better. It's my life to live as I please. Papabear: Good for you! Athelstan: Thanks! Papabear: So, if no one was hanging around telling you how to decorate or that you should be worried about what visitors will think, how would you fashion your personal living space? Athelstan: I'm not sure how to answer that. I can do anything and too much choice is very hard. Papabear: Did you ever see the Robin Williams movie "Moscow on the Hudson"? Athelstan: 20 years ago... I think. Papabear: Do you recall the scene when he goes shopping for coffee? In Russia, there was one choice: coffee. But when he goes to the coffee aisle in New York there are dozens of choices. He becomes so confused he passes out, muttering "coffee.... coffeee..." kind of like you? Athelstan: I don't pass out, but yeah, I overthink too much. Papabear: Okay, I hope this is not cliché, but have you tried meditation? Relaxation techniques and allowing your mind to go blank and let your heart guide you...? Athelstan: I have tried. I have a loud mind. Papabear: Perhaps you need a professional, such as a yoga teacher to help you. Do you have trouble falling asleep at night? Athelstan: Yes... How did you know? Papabear: You mentioned your racing mind. Because your mind is so active, it prevents you from falling asleep. I want you to try something for me, if you would.... Next time you go to bed, pay attention to your body. Do you notice any muscles tensing? leg? neck? jaw? Athelstan: I should lay in bed, working from my feet up, tensing and then relaxing each part until my entire body is relaxed? I just need to do that. Papabear: I don't tense, I just focus on each part of my body. I start at the toes and work my way up. Each time I notice a part is tensed, I relax it. This method has worked for me for years. Sounds like you tried it and it didn't work? I'm usually tense in the jaw and neck. Athelstan: My shoulders are where my tension is, and relaxing does work... I just forget about it. Papabear: Ah, ok, well, that's another thing: to make a routine each night. Also, to turn off the TV, make sure your room is dark and peaceful. Athelstan: I got that part down. My room is dark and with out any distraction. Papabear: OK, so you just need to work on making the relaxation a routine. The reason I'm talking about this is because I think it is very important for you to get needed sleep to rest the mind and to help you focus on the main issue of finding who you are. You have to work on silencing all the outside voices of your parents, family, friends, etc. that are cluttering your head, and find that inner voice that is yours Athelstan: Thank you! I normally got to pay for someone to tell me these things. Papabear: Well, I don't have a degree on my wall (well, I do, but it's not in psychology or social work), so I can't charge you. Besides, I really DO want to help my fellow furries. I want to make the world a happier place if I can. You are welcome. Anyway, I think you have to do the things we talked about here first, and see how they go, and then we can proceed from there. Sound good to you? Athelstan: Yes. Thank you again! Papabear: You're very welcome. Feel free to poke me any time, hon. We'll see how it goes with Athelstan, but this is the first step. Papabear does not wish to give the impression with this column that he is a pop psychologist who can solve furry problems with a few taps on the keyboard. Good advice sometimes needs to be spread over long sessions. There are some people in my life whom I have advised over a period of years. On the other paw, Papabear has also received good advice from his dear friends. I firmly believe that a big reason we are born and live is to be there for those in need. To support one another. I have made more friends who are furries in my life than those who are not furries, and that is why I am grateful to all of you and why I write this column. It is my personal "Thank You" to all of you. Bear hugs.
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Dear Papabear,
I have been involved in the fandom for about five years now, and in that time, I have noticed an uncommonly large gay community among furries. I know that, statistically there are more men than women in the fandom, but I have a hard time figuring out how the gay furry community became so pervasive. It seems that M/M porn is just as, if not more, common than M/F porn. Any thoughts regarding this? - Northern Sphinx * * * Dear Sphinx, According to a recent survey (http://www.klisoura.com/fs2011v.html), only 21.5% of furries identify as “completely” or “mostly homosexual.” So, gay men and women (the fandom is comprised mostly of young white men, as you noticed) are actually in the minority. An August 2002 Gallup survey (http://www.gallup.com/poll/6961/what-percentage-population-gay.aspx) reported, “The average estimates [for the percentage of homosexuals in America] were that 21% of men are gay and 22% of women are lesbians.” So, as you can see, the percentage of homosexuals in the furry community is quite representative of that in the United States as a whole. The impression that gay men are a huge majority in the fandom persists, however. Why is that? Papabear believes it is for the same reason that the gay community is so prominent in theatre: gay people tend to be more outgoing and flamboyant. Therefore, they are much more noticeable than straight men and women. Apparently, too, they like to draw a lot more art of a pornographic nature than straight people do (though, actually, some of our best gay porn artists are women, such as that of the Blotch team, which is two female artists). Papabear would also be interested in finding out what percentage of gay furries are fursuiters, since fursuiters get the most notice and would contribute a lot to the impression of sexual orientation among those in the fandom. So, there’s your answer, Sphinx. There are no more gay people in the fandom than there are in America, percentage-wise, they just are a lot more noticeable. Cheers, Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
This may seem a small issue, however, I'm not sure how to handle it. I seem to be getting a lot of complaints about my Fursona. Some say she's been put in Rule 34 porn, Yet I've only been a Furry for 6 months, and practically nobody knows about me. I myself would never draw Pornographic images. Some others say she's too "Generic", and that "everyone" has a fursona like mine. I've also been accused of "stealing" her. What should I do about this? Should I change my fursona? Thanks a ton, Lui * * * Dear Lui, Papabear sent you an email asking to have a peek at your fursona, but he didn't hear back, so he will have to wing it. Judging by your comments, my best guess would be that you have picked a fairly standard-looking fursona. Probably some kind of canine species, such as a wolf or husky. There are many many many of these in the fandom, with minor variations, such as the color of the fur and fur patterns. If that is the case, then there probably have been drawings of fursonas that look very much like yours that have been posted on furry sites far and wide. Papabear believes that many furries like canines because, let's face it, they are Man's Best Friend, highly sociable, and cute and fun as can be. That's why they seem to be in the majority. That's not a bad thing; it's just the way it is. Lui, you shouldn't change your fursona to please other people. You should choose one that suits YOU and who you are and what you feel best reflects you or an aspect of you that you want to emphasize. OR, it should reflect someone or something you wish to be. If that happens to be a common husky, that's fine. Don't worry about it, and don't worry about what other people say. The worst thing you can do is let other people decide who and what you should be. On the other paw, don't be surprised if, somewhere down the road, your fursona changes or evolves. This, in fact, would be a reflection of you as you yourself age, change and evolve. In his previous lives, for instance, Papabear was a dragon and a wolf. Now he's a happy uncle bear. Don't worry about what others say, hon. Be you. And when you're not you, be your fursona. If it makes you happy, then that is all that matters. Big Hug, Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
I feel like I haven't connected with anyone my entire life. I've had and have good friends, and I'm very open about myself with them regarding my feelings and secrets. At the same time, I can't help but feel a wall between us. It's been this way with everyone. When I started making furry friends, I was able to openly discuss the furry aspect of my life, which felt wonderful and liberating. Eventually I realized that there was still some kind of barrier; even after breaking through to a deep part of me, my furry part, I still feel disconnected from everyone. Even my family, who I am very close with, is at a distance. This is not for lack of opening up; I'm very honest about myself with the people I care about, and I'm very self-aware. I just feel dissimilar, like I stand apart (in a non-arrogant way). I'm not near as socially awkward as I used to be, and I've actually much improved. I get out occasionally, and do things with people when I feel like it, which is more often than it used to be. I'm actually moving away this Summer and hoping to get a new start with some friends, rooming with them in their apartment. The only reason I haven't tried to move yet is because some old friends have come back for the Summer, and I thought maybe I'd catch up and spend some time with them while I still can. It's nice, though it's not as thrilling as I thought it would be; again, lack of connection. In fact, I actually tend to feel sadder with my friends around some times. It emphasizes how much we aren't really connected, how much I know I'm alone, and it can feel like a knife in the heart when it's at its worst. It's vaguely sad to me that I can't connect, but I feel like I could deal with being alone mentally, even if I'm not alone physically, if I really need to. I've come to realize that seeking affirmation for my existence by bouncing conversation off of others isn't the way to be happy (I've given up facebook, which is a haven for that type of behavior). I would still like to connect, though. I don't really like being alone. Respectfully, Blue Jay * * * Dear Blue Jay, In the original series Star Trek episode “Is There in Truth No Beauty?” Spock temporarily merges his mind with that of a Medusan, a noncoporeal species that, nevertheless, is considered so ugly that to look upon it with unprotected eyes means certain madness. Once they merge, the Medusan (Kollos by name) almost weeps because he senses the utter aloneness of the human species because we are each encased in flesh and, no matter what, cannot truly merge with others around us as the Medusan can. To be human is to be alone, but only if you limit your experience to a purely corporeal existence. Blue Jay, have you explored your spiritual side? You mention getting in touch with your furry side, and that perhaps that helped a little, but I think you need to go deeper. To truly connect to those around you, you need more than conversation, more than just going out and doing things together. You need to get in touch with the soul (spirit, if you prefer) that resides in each one of us. There are many ways to do this. Many people turn to traditional religions, and this can bring you comfort, indeed. But worship of God (or pick a deity name you prefer) is not enough to keep you from being lonely. The Big Three, as Papabear calls them—Christianity, Judaism, and Islam—focus on the servitude of man to God, that we need to worship Him and do all things for His glory. This is only part of the picture. The Spiritual Existence that some limit to a godhead actually imbues all living and even inanimate things around us. We carry a bit of it within each of us, and it is THIS that you need to connect to in order to have the borders between you and others that cause your loneliness to dissipate. The ways to connect to the spiritual world around you have been known for years by the spiritual leaders who preceded the current religious traditions of the West and Middle East. I speak, of course, of pagan traditions, Wicca, shamanism, Native American interpretations of the spirit world, and so on. I would encourage you to try exploring these through everything from meditation to spiritual sex—that is, the release of self-control through the sexual act in order to achieve a higher state of consciousness. Here’s an interesting article on the subject: http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Virato1.html. Papabear realizes some of what he just said could be highly controversial. The point I’m trying to make is to explore your spiritual side more, and, through this, you will also achieve a stronger connection to the souls around you. Papabear Dear Papabear,
I have a friend who will be moving in with me soon as a roommate, there is only one problem he's my ex. I’m worried that old feeling will hurt him or us. I am confidant in myself being calm about our break up since it was nice and easy and very understanding (though mostly my fault). The thing that worries me the most is his family they are very conservative and sound as though they barely accept his sexuality of being gay. I want to help him and I kind of have by giving him some confidence to get out from under his parents thumb, but the problem lies in the fact that with him living with me (since I now kinda see him as a goofy lil brother) he will become a little dependent on me since his parents have always been there for him (he’s now in his early 20s). I’m not entirely sure how things will play out and I can't tell him that it won't work as roommate because he has nowhere else to go and I am in such a financial bind right now I can't be too picky about my roommate (there are other reasons as well but that is the biggest one.) So yeah that’s all I got thanks again. --Okamiketto * * * Dear Okamiketto, Papabear thinks it is great that you are still good friends with your ex and that you want to help him grow as a person and gain his independence from his parents. That said, I would not recommend that anyone become roommates with a former lover. The potential for hurt and misunderstanding is just too great—you are walking into an emotional mine field, Okamiketto. Furthermore, you could inflame the sensitive issue between your friend and his parents, who don’t understand his being gay and more than likely know that the two of you were lovers at one point. They likely won’t buy it when you tell them that the two of you are just friends now. Thirdly, you are already concerned that he might become too dependent on you, which is a problem emotionally as well as financially, since you admit your piggy bank is a bit low right now. Papabear is very familiar with furries who have broken up and then moved in together as roommates and it got very ugly. Hurt feelings and past arguments inevitably flared up, and now they hate each other’s guts. Papabear would not want that to happen to you and your friend. You say that he has nowhere else to go, but it would be far better if you helped him find other roommates to live with, while still being there as a supportive friend. As for you, there are lots of young people looking for a place to live who would be happy to be your roommate, I’m sure. That might not be what you wanted to hear, but my suggestion is for you not to be roommates. Doesn’t mean you can’t be there for him in other ways, but living together is a bad idea. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
Over the last couple of weeks I have been coming out of the closet about my sexuality. This however is not my dilemma. Everything has been going smoothly with my transition to an openly gay person. My real problem is why I am coming out of the closet. I met someone in college that I have become good friends with, but I like him more than a friend. Unfortunately he claims to be strait but I sense that he might be gay. I want to tell him how I feel about him but unfortunately I only have Sunday the 10th to do so because he is being sent off to basic training for the fall semester. Things get worse because I plan on transferring to a new college that is one state away. I feel as if I don’t tell him now I might never get the opportunity to do so ever. He means so much to me and I don’t want to lose him. I do not know what to do. So many bad things could happen like he could never talk to me again because he may find being around me awkward because he knows I like him and if I don’t tell him he might just fade out of my life all together. I really need some help on this and I done know where to turn. From, Siby * * * Dear Siby, Since your deadline is near, your letter went to the top of the pile. Here are Papabear's thoughts: When Papabear finds himself in a morass of uncertainty, he draws from his teutonic blood and makes an orderly list to better figure out his choices. Let’s try that here with the possibile scenarios that might occur:
Papabear is not telling you what to do, of course, but the time for such intense confessions of love and desire should be made when both parties are in a situation when they can act upon the results, not when they are about to be separated for a long period of time. That is just asking for a lot of emotional pain. Keep in touch as much as you can with him (hopefully avoiding scenario 2) until the time comes when you can be together should it work out well. Good Luck, Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
Not to toot my own horn, but I am someone whom people typically label as exceptional. I have several awards of various kinds under my belt and have accomplished things that most others in my age group have not. I am typically viewed by society as highly gifted and have been in accelerated programs throughout my entire life. Why, then, do I constantly have feelings of inferiority regarding my boyfriends? When I ask my friends for advice regarding this problem, I'm typically met with comments such as, "well, HE should be the one who's jealous, not you," and, "you are so much better than the rest of us, how can you be jealous?" This sort of rhetoric is not helpful to me at all as it does not address the root of the problem. I doubt that it has anything to do with self esteem; I have mostly been happy with my life so far and look forward to where it will go in the future. How can I get around these feelings? I try to date people who are going somewhere in life and it seems like the simple solution would be to date someone who is going nowhere, but I know that there must be a better solution than this one. Do you have any advice? --Anonymous Tailwagger * * * Dear Tailwagger, What an interesting paradox you introduce here. You have high self-esteem (for good reason, it sounds like), yet you feel inferior to your potential boyfriends. You sound like you are attracted to men who are highly intelligent and ambitious; aiming high, you wind up with potential mates who are even more “accomplished” than you are, I would bet, and that makes you feel inferior. I’d like to tell you a true story, if you’ll indulge me. Once upon a time there was a beautiful woman. She was college educated, tall, fun-loving, and loved to travel. When she was in her 20s, she went to Europe, where she was a tour guide for U.S. military men in Germany. While she was there, she met a sergeant. He was kind, handsome, and she started to fall in love with him. But a couple things held her back: he did not have a college degree, and he was shorter than she was (she was very self-conscious about her height). So, after a while, she met a man who was a captain, had a college degree in chemistry, and stood 6’ 4” tall and was quite good looking. She decided to tell her sergeant good-bye, and when she returned to the U.S. and the captain left the army, she married him instead of the sergeant. Well, at first it went okay, but it didn’t take long before the man she married began to mistreat her. He sold her car without telling her and kept the money; he became verbally abusive and controlling. Still, she stayed faithful to him and bore him two children. He got a job as a salesman, and a couple years later, she found out he was having an affair. Nevertheless, she stayed married for her children’s sake until they left and went to college. She then left her husband and got a divorce, feeling like she wasted over twenty years of her life. The lesson here—if it’s not already painfully obvious—is that you shouldn’t pick a boyfriend based on his education, career, money, awards, etc. On the opposite end of the scale, don’t pick a boyfriend because he seems like, well, a loser in comparison to you so that you feel better about yourself. What you should look for is character. Is this man a good person? Will he stick by you when you need his help or abandon you? Will he love you no matter what? Look for a man with soul. Look for a companion in life. Someone you can laugh and cry with. Someone who shares your interests. This isn’t a job interview. You are not looking for a guy with an impressive resume. You are looking for love and friendship. Put the measuring stick aside because you don’t count character by the number of awards on a wall or a 4.0 GPA. Once you do that, thoughts of inferiority or superiority or whatever will not even occur to you. Bear Hugs, Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
My mate and I have been dating for a little over a month now. So far the only problem that I've found is his self esteem. He constantly says that he's fat and ugly, but he's not. He's 6' blond hair, blue eye, 160 lbs and he rock climbs so he's tone. My question to you is how can I make him feel better about himself when I feel the same way about myself? It's hard to be strong and supportive for some one when you cant be strong and supportive to myself. Do you have any advice for me? All I want to do is make him happy. Thank You, Katz * * * Dear Katz, There seems to be a low self-esteem epidemic in America today, despite the misguided efforts of our broken education system to remedy it. Papabear runs into it constantly. Indeed, I have struggled with it myself. It is doubly hard for you to help your mate, seeing as you also have low self-esteem issues. Low self-esteem has its roots in childhood, which is the time our self-images develop. If we are told from a young age that we are worthless, ugly, stupid, and so on by the adults in our lives, and if we are told this often enough, then, eventually, we will believe it. There are many possible results of low self-esteem. With me, it has been the drive toward perfectionism and to please other people. Others suffer from sadness, anger, bad body image, feelings of worthlessness, and more. Recognizing the connection between cause and effect is part of the battle. You and your mate both need to recognize that your low self-esteem is the result of listening to other people, and not a reflection of reality. As you note, your mate is handsome and athletic. He is probably a great guy, too, or you wouldn’t like him so much. I bet if you asked him what he likes about you, he would also point out your many good characteristics. One problem with mates flattering each other, though, is that each will say, “You’re just saying that because you have to, because you love me.” Therefore, you are at a disadvantage in trying to boost your mate’s self-esteem. Finding a therapist can help, and if the two of you can afford professional counseling, that is a good way to go. If not, you can do other things to try and help yourself:
Bear Hugs, Papabear |
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