Should He Confess His Love before His Friend Joins the Military?

Dear Papa Bear,

Over the last couple of weeks I have been coming out of the closet about my sexuality. This however is not my dilemma. Everything has been going smoothly with my transition to an openly gay person. My real problem is why I am coming out of the closet. I met someone in college that I have become good friends with, but I like him more than a friend. Unfortunately he claims to be strait but I sense that he might be gay. I want to tell him how I feel about him but unfortunately I only have Sunday the 10th to do so because he is being sent off to basic training for the fall semester. Things get worse because I plan on transferring to a new college that is one state away. I feel as if I don’t tell him now I might never get the opportunity to do so ever. He means so much to me and I don’t want to lose him. I do not know what to do. So many bad things could happen like he could never talk to me again because he may find being around me awkward because he knows I like him and if I don’t tell him he might just fade out of my life all together. I really need some help on this and I done know where to turn. 

From, Siby

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Dear Siby,

Since your deadline is near, your letter went to the top of the pile. Here are Papabear's thoughts:

When Papabear finds himself in a morass of uncertainty, he draws from his teutonic blood and makes an orderly list to better figure out his choices. Let’s try that here with the possibile scenarios that might occur:

1. You tell him you are gay and have feelings for him, but he tells you he is not gay and just wants to be friends, then goes off to do his service.
2. You don’t tell him you’re gay, he goes off to the military, you go off to college, and eventually your lives take different paths.
3. You tell him you’re gay, he confesses he is, too, but he doesn’t return your feelings of love and just wants to be friends.
4. You tell him you’re gay, he says he is too AND he loves you, but he still has to go into the service. Once he does so, chances are you will see him only very infrequently, especially since you’re going to college in another state and he could be transferred anywhere in the world. Because of this, you would likely be quite sad during your long periods of separation, as would he.

All four of these options are not very appealing, I admit. Papabear, frankly, does not believe that this last-minute confession before your dear friend goes off to Basic is a good idea. The timing is not at all right.  Indeed, if your talk goes badly, it could upset your friend so much that it could distract him from the important work he has ahead of him.  If it goes well, you will just be extremely frustrated as you are both forced into a long-distance relationship.

Papabear is not telling you what to do, of course, but the time for such intense confessions of love and desire should be made when both parties are in a situation when they can act upon the results, not when they are about to be separated for a long period of time. That is just asking for a lot of emotional pain.

Keep in touch as much as you can with him (hopefully avoiding scenario 2) until the time comes when you can be together should it work out well.

Good Luck,

Papabear