Couple Suffers from Low Self-Esteem

Dear Papa Bear,

My mate and I have been dating for a little over a month now. So far the only problem that I've found is his self esteem. He constantly says that he's fat and ugly, but he's not. He's 6' blond hair, blue eye, 160 lbs and he rock climbs so he's tone. My question to you is how can I make him feel better about himself when I feel the same way about myself? It's hard to be strong and supportive for some one when you cant be strong and supportive to myself. Do you have any advice for me? All I want to do is make him happy.

Thank You,

Katz

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Dear Katz,

There seems to be a low self-esteem epidemic in America today, despite the misguided efforts of our broken education system to remedy it. Papabear runs into it constantly. Indeed, I have struggled with it myself. It is doubly hard for you to help your mate, seeing as you also have low self-esteem issues.

Low self-esteem has its roots in childhood, which is the time our self-images develop. If we are told from a young age that we are worthless, ugly, stupid, and so on by the adults in our lives, and if we are told this often enough, then, eventually, we will believe it. There are many possible results of low self-esteem. With me, it has been the drive toward perfectionism and to please other people. Others suffer from sadness, anger, bad body image, feelings of worthlessness, and more. Recognizing the connection between cause and effect is part of the battle.

You and your mate both need to recognize that your low self-esteem is the result of listening to other people, and not a reflection of reality. As you note, your mate is handsome and athletic. He is probably a great guy, too, or you wouldn’t like him so much. I bet if you asked him what he likes about you, he would also point out your many good characteristics.

One problem with mates flattering each other, though, is that each will say, “You’re just saying that because you have to, because you love me.” Therefore, you are at a disadvantage in trying to boost your mate’s self-esteem.

Finding a therapist can help, and if the two of you can afford professional counseling, that is a good way to go. If not, you can do other things to try and help yourself:

• Remove the negative people from your life who have made you feel bad about yourself and invite new people in your life who have a positive effect. 
• When you find yourself criticizing something about yourself, pause, take a deep breath, and try and be objective for a moment. Is it really true what you just said? Find evidence to the contrary and reflect on that. For example: “I’m so stupid!” Pause. Think. “Well, I did get an A on that term paper. A stupid person wouldn’t get an A on a college paper.”
• Do the same for any criticisms you have heard from other people that day. Are they really true? If not, recognize this and embrace what is really true about yourself.
• If you did hear an insult or disparaging remark from someone, think about what was said. Could you have misinterpreted what was said? Perhaps you misunderstood that person or were too quick to feel insulted.
• Learn to take a compliment. Don’t brush off a kind word when it is received. Most likely you deserve it!
• Don’t be upset if someone is better at something than you are. There is only one “best person” at a certain task or skill in the world, and it is unlikely to be you, given that there are 7 billion people on the planet. You are likely somewhere in the middle, and that’s okay. Recognize that you have some skills and good attributes and that some people will be better at those things, some worse. Don’t turn everything into a contest, and that includes everything: stuff at work, family activities, and even play time. Live and let live.
• Recognize that you do have some flaws, but that’s okay. Only God is perfect. You are not. Don’t worry about it. Accept your flaws just as you accept your positive attributes.
• Don’t try and be the person other people want you to be. Don’t pick a career or a degree because that’s what your parents want. Don’t change your appearance just to please your partner. Don’t try and be something you are not. Be you!

I hope this helps, Katz. If self-esteem becomes a really bad problem for you or your mate, I do hope you can seek some professional help. If it is merely a troubling issue and not dangerous in any way, I think some of the above points can help you.

Bear Hugs,

Papabear