Hello again,
I would like to thank you once again for helping me out with my problem. I was the one who wrote to you about my friend who went to basic training. Unfortunately I have more problems that are somewhat related to that issue. As I said in my last letter to you, I am currently coming out of the closet about my sexuality. I have told about 99% of my friends and they have all been surprisingly accepting, but the thing is, when I tell them they just say ok and good for you, which for some reason is freaking me out. I felt like I was going to have to talk to some of my friends about stuff like when I found out and explain that I have not been hitting on any of them. I do want to talk about the situation that happened between me and my friend that went to basic training but I feel like that might make some of my friends uncomfortable and drive them away. I just want someone that I can vent my frustrations to. I am also terrified about coming out to my parents. I feel like my mom is going to be "ok" about it but I feel like my dad might disown me or ignore my existence for a while which is scaring the crap out of me. I also don't know how to actually tell them I'm gay. how do I tell them? I am also wondering when an appropriate time to do this would be. The thing is that my parents (my mom) is trying to become a foster parent. She is a teacher and she legally had to report a case to the state. My mom knows that this child has been moved around all his life and needs a stable environment. With this coming up, should I do it before he arrives or wait until things settle down with the child just in case the worst happens between me and my parents. Thank you for all your help! You're amazing!!! Siby * * * Dear Siby, There really is no particularly good time to tell your family you are gay, and your reasoning that you might be better off waiting until after your mother has dealt with the foster parenting arrangements is just a delay tactic, don’t you think? Since your mom is probably going to be more open-minded about this—if your feelings are correct—the logical thing to do is to tell her first before your dad. After you have done that, talk to your mom about what she feels is the best way to broach the topic with your father. She will likely have a better idea of how to do this than you would. Papabear is not really sure why the fact that your friends accept you as you are is freaking you out. You should be grateful they are not making a big deal out of it. In this day and age, many younger people are accepting of people in the GLBT community, which is good news! And, surely, one of your gay-accepting friends can serve as someone you can talk to about your mate who is in the military, if Papabear’s intuition is correct. Thanks for writing again! Hope you are able to resolve all your issues soon and can focus on your own life and goals without worrying so much about coming out to your loved ones. Bear Hugs, Papabear
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Hello there!
Greetings from Germany! I really like your site, you sure are a wise man! My problems aren’t easy to put in a nutshell, so this might take some time to explain, but I appreciate every advice. It all started when I met this guy, three years ago. Yeah, I know that's a very common opening ^^. We became very good friends in no time, but he told me there's no way we could become boyfriends. Because his father doesn't like the thought of his "good" son liking other men as well, because he feels some responsibility toward his family, that kinda stuff. I should mention that he is Thai, so of course he has different moral standards, very different. But yet, after a year we became boyfriends. It kinda happened, we just get so well together I guess it was inevitable, even though we're so different in many ways (or maybe that's the reason). My parents know that I'm gay and have no problem with it, especially since they know my boyfriend. Since he's a true paragon of courtesy even my mom gave up her fears that I might end up with the wrong person, and we sure did spend many good times together, not to mention he helps me a LOT with my extreme coyness. We went to conventions, museums, zoos, events, many places were are lots of people, which isn't quite easy for me, I tend to feel very uneasy between masses of people, but he makes me feel better. We even went to some gay pride parades, I would never done this by my own. So, what's the problem? For one, his father. He always told me stories about his dad, so I didn't actually want to meet that man. But one night we were at a train station far away from home at 3 o'clock in the morning, and the trains just stopped. I tried to call my parents, but I didn't reach them, so we had to call for his dad. Damn, I was so afraid to meet him at last! My bf told me to act completely normal, since his dad doesn't know his son has a bf now. Then he came to pick us up, he seemed quite normal to me, but the next morning he told me his dad asked if I was mentally disabled, because I looked like a retard to him. Well, I never met the parents of one of my boyfriends or gay friends, but I sure didn't expect THAT! Then I met his dad one second time, he was getting something and I was waiting with his dad outside. His dad doesn't know much German, so I didn't expect a big talk, but then he suddenly turned away from me and went some steps away, without even looking at me anymore! I guess you can see his dad is a very difficult person to talk to, and I gave up any hope for us to ever come out to him. He really is the perfect stereotype of an east Asian patriarch, who wants his son to be a good student, to marry a good woman and to raise good children. In addition to that he wants his son to return with him to Thailand as soon as possible, another reason why he didn't want us to become too close. And even more, he WANTS to return with his dad, and to raise an own family. Okay, I don't want children (lol) but that made me wonder why he suddenly chanced his mind and wanted to become my boyfriend. Sometimes I wonder if it's just his father’s influence, but that's the main reason our relationship doesn't seem to have such a happy future. We did have many little fights lately, but nothing too bad since every relationship has its ups and downs, so it actually makes me feel just even more like we're a real couple by now, but you see… the bitter end is just inevitable, since he actually seems to want all the things his father wants. He's just too much of a good soul and too loyal to his old man, I guess, but it does kinda hurt to know that his father's interests are more important to him than me. I don't think he wants to hurt me, heaven forbid! But it became really hard for us recently, and I started to think, is it worth it to trudge through the last few years we have till it has to end? Because sometimes I think it's hard for him, too, that he has to hide me from his family, while my family truly loves him for everything he is, he even got to celebrate Christmas with us, and he got almost more presents than me ^^. But the next day already he was upset again, his great pessimism has always been his worst side. I just don't know how to help him, to help US. Anything I can do? Hyperion * * * Dear Hyperion, When Papabear was still living in Van Nuys, there were a lot of Thai families in his neighborhood and two of my best friends were from Thailand, so I am somewhat familiar with the culture. As with many Asian cultures, family is very important and the wishes of the parents are a lot more respected than they are here in the United States. This, I’m sure, you are familiar with by now. Your boyfriend is in a difficult situation. On the one paw, he loves you (willing to bet) and he loves being with you in a relationship. On the other paw, he has been raised to respect his father’s wishes and to be an obedient son. After reading your letter a couple of times, Papabear’s inclination is to predict this: your boyfriend will enjoy his life with you as much as possible and for as long as possible, but when the time comes, he will obey his homophobic father, return to Thailand, marry, and do what his family wants. Will he be miserable? Of course he will, but that, to him, is secondary to family. In fairness, I do not know this young man, except from what you have said here and from your insights. The mixed signals you are getting from him are the telltale signs of a soul in deep conflict between what he wants and what he believes he is obligated to do. It is certainly possible that he could overcome his feelings of duty to family and do what is best for both of you. Hyperion, you don’t tell me about your age or living circumstances, but would I be correct that you and your Thai boyfriend are both in school now? And, when you are done with school, his father will take him back to their homeland, yes? Here is one possibility: after your boyfriend earns his degree, would it be possible for him to obtain a work visa? If he had a terrific career opportunity in Germany and took a job there, then he could become financially independent and remain in your country and be with you. Maybe he could even convince his father that this is a great opportunity for him and that he should stay instead of going back to Thailand. It sounds like, however, you believe he will go back to Thailand no matter what. Instead of speculating what he wants, have you sat down with him and had a heart-to-heart talk? Ask him, frankly, where he sees your relationship going. Is he just in it for the short term? Or, does he want to go the distance. You two have been together long enough that you deserve to know his intentions. Don’t let him fudge: get an answer from him, one way or the other. If he admits it is just for the short term, then it is up to you what to do. Do you want to enjoy him while you can? Or would you consider this just a waste of your time because what you really want is a committed relationship? If the latter, it is time to go your separate ways. If the former, you will still separate but maybe have some more good memories to share. If he says he really wants to be with you, then it is time for you to step up. Tell him that you realize he is being pressured by his father to return to Thailand and live a traditional life, but you really love him, and if he wants you to be a couple you will stand by him, support him through thick and thin to make it possible. It sounds like your family is supportive of you, so perhaps you can enlist their support as well. Tell him it is time he spoke honestly with his father, told him that he is gay, and that you will be with him every step of the way, no matter how well or badly it goes. In the end, it is his decision what he wants to do, but the two of you need to communicate your goals and needs clearly before you take the next step. Wishing You Luck and Love, Papabear Hello Papabear, Um first time reader and writer to your website. I've been trying to get back into drawing lately, but haven't been able to get into the flow of it and get frustrated and toss my sketch away, but when I get told to take a break from drawing that is the opposite of what I wanna do. What advice could you give to get my head outta the gutter and get me back to drawing or sketching? Krew * * * Dear Krew, Drawing is similar to writing in that they are both artistic endeavors; therefore, some of the same rules apply to both. Have you ever heard of the 10,000-hour rule? This theory says that anyone can become an expert at something if they stick to it religiously for 10,000 hours. That means if you worked at it for 4 hours a day, 7 days a week, you would become a fabulous artist in about 6 and a half years or so. A less stringent guideline is the 1,000 hour rule that says you can become pretty good at something with 1,000 hours of practice. That’s just a general notion, I suppose. Some people are gifted with natural artistic talent, and for them they can achieve much more in a much shorter time. But even if you are a terrible artist now, the point is that anyone can improve with lots of hard work. What you need to do, Krew, is set aside specific hours each week to concentrate on your drawing. Find a place where you can focus without distraction and enjoy the process of drawing. It is clearly in your blood because when you aren’t drawing it is all you think about, right? Now the other thing you need to do is get rid of that inner critic—the artist’s worst enemy, the one that makes you throw away your sketches as soon as you draw them. Instead of tossing them, keep them, even the ones you really hate. Keep them in folders and date them. Then keep drawing. Then, a few months, or maybe a year or more from now, go back and look at them and compare them to what you are currently drawing. If you have been practicing at least 10 or more hours a week, Papabear bets you will see considerable improvement. Here’s some evidence to back up: Yours truly, a nonartist, drew it after a few lessons.
Maybe not great art, but not bad, right? Papabear would love to see some of your art sometime. Bear Hugs, Papabear Papabear,
So I've been seeing this guy since January and we met in October, we are an online mateship that is in the progress of moving in together, I did go and see him in March and we more than hit it off; I can honestly say that I am and fell hopelessly in love with him; I would do so much for him! Anyway so were in the planning stages of this move and he doesn't seem to want to talk about it a lot, We had a fight over it; in which we became closer after it. Then we moved the date closer from December to this summer or ASAP. I just don't seem to know where his head is at, At first I thought I was pressing it on him and making things move to fast and then he wanted to move the date up. I'm very concerned because I really don't want to lose him. What should I do? --Dominicus * * * Dear Dominicus, From what Papabear understands in your letter, you have met “this guy” once in October and again in March, and all your other conversations have been online or perhaps by phone/texting. You’ve also only known this person for about seven months, yet you are planning to move in together. Bad plan. It is waaaaaay too soon for a major move like that. Papabear thinks, too, that your potential mate is acting rather erratically because he, too, senses things are moving too fast and he is unsure about living with you, yet he changed his mind and moved the date up because he is afraid of losing YOU just as you are afraid of losing HIM. Do yourselves both a favor and slow things down. What you need to do is spend more actual time together—you know, as in face-to-face NOT on the Internet and NOT on the phone. In this Internet Age, Papabear is seeing more and more cases like yours. Forgive an old bear for looking old-fashioned, but you can’t have a genuine relationship in a virtual world. Oh, sure, SecondLife is cool and all, but it is still not reality. There is a world of difference between talking to someone who is miles away and actually sharing a living space with him or her. HUGE difference. So, Domincus, again, slow it down, and while you’re doing that, spend much much more time with your boyfriend in a world where you can touch each other, kiss each other, share a meal together as you gaze into each other’s eyes and all that romantic stuff. Remember the ancient proverb “the eyes are the windows to the soul.” You can’t get that in a digitized universe. Good Luck and Bear Hugs, Papabear Papabear,
I've recently made a friend on FA that told me about your column. He said you have amazing advice on all things furry/non-furry related. After reading about 30 questions and answers I agree entirely! Now, having said that, I thought that maybe you'll be able to help me with a little predicament of my own... Sorry in advance if I'm all over the place... I've been a furry for about 5ish years now and, like many others, have yet to feel like I belong in the fandom. I draw realistic drawings of wolves, foxes, cats etc. etc., and post them to FA. I talk to people and interact with other furries, but no matter how hard I try I feel like I'm out of the loop and nobody cares about me. What am I doing wrong? Anyways, that's the least of my worries right now. Don't get me wrong, I still worry I'll never be in the fandom, but what I have to say next is what concerns me the most. I've been a closet fur for the whole 5 years. Nobody knows I'm a furry except my mate who I love so very much. Although she is not a furry, she still accepts me and my furriness in every way shape and form :). But the problem at hand is the fact that nobody knows I'm a furry... and its killing me to hold it in any longer. You maybe thinking to yourself at this point, "why don't you just tell people then?" Well... This is why. I live in a family of 5 with a sister and a brother. I'm the middle child, my brothers the eldest, sister the youngest. We all grew up in a Catholic house hold that had very strict rules on "Normality". My parents HATE different. They don't let us see our gay uncle... because he's gay. So how in the world do I tell them? or should I not tell them at all? I am 19 years old, and I'm currently extremely dependent on my family. My parents are paying for my education and my shelter... They provide me with food to eat and a bed to sleep. And besides my one uncle, my entire family is VERY close. There are always family get-togethers at least once a month. So what I’m trying to say is if I said I was a furry to my parents... My entire family would know. Oh and if you think that's bad... I have a couple close friends who I know for a fact HATE furries... They look at them as (excuse my language) animal fornicators. The only close friend I have that doesn't hate furries doesn't even know what they are. You see, my friends are /b/tards if you know what that is. It's basically a forum board dedicated to random stuff. And sometimes the stuff happens to be furries, and they HATE that. So tell me, how do you think I should break it to them or if not at all? I've been dying to be apart and to feel apart of the furry fandom. But I have so much on my plate I just don't know what to do. I have parents that don't accept me, friends that don't accept me, and I live in an area that seems to lack any furries at all... So please what should I do? I would greatly appreciate your advice, thanks. Wolfkins * * * Dear Wolfkins, Thank you for your kind words. Papabear will try and help as best he can. Yes, you are a bit all-over-the-place with your letter, but let’s see what can be done here. Also, you say you’ve read 30 of my columns, so I would have to guess you came across some of my readers who have similar problems to yours. In one column I advised a furry who was closeted and financially dependent on a narrow-minded family that he keep his love of furries hidden until he was in a position to fend for himself; then, once that happened, he could be himself in front of his family and, if they rejected him, still manage on his own. In another column, I advised a furry to go with what I call the “furry light strategy.” That is, to ease his mother and father into the idea of his interest in the fandom by making his life an open book: leaving furry books around the house and making his browser history easily accessible to his parents, making sure all the while that NONE of this material contained anything prurient. He was not interested in furporn, so none of this was dishonest. The idea was to let his parents figure out for themselves that his hobby was not dangerous or offensive. While some similarities can be found in the lives of every furry who is dealing with a family that has a bad opinion of furries—and some of the above might apply to you, Wolfkins—everyone is different, every situation unique. Some parents and family members might “hate” furries because they don’t understand what furries really are, but others may dislike them because they have a very narrow view of the world and insist that everyone around them should conform to their personal standards of “right and wrong.” Reading your letter, it sounds to Papabear as if your parents fall into the narrow-minded category, while your friends fit the uninformed category. The good news is that your friends can be educated and learn that furry does not equal zoophile. You can explain to them what a zoophile is and further explain to them that furries are simply people who like anthro characters, such as in Brian Jacques’ “Redwall” series, which is definitely PG, or “My Little Pony,” which is a hard G. Your parents, sadly, are not so easy to deal with. Papabear is about to say something that many might find offensive, so if you are a strongly religious person, you might want to stop reading now.... There are two types of religious people: those who are intolerant and ignorant of other belief systems, and those who have the true spirit of a loving God in their hearts. Papabear has met both in his lifetime. For instance, he has a very very dear friend living in Michigan, an elderly woman of Japanese descent who is a devout Christian. When I came out as gay to her, she opened her arms to me and told me she still loved me as I am. She did not say that being a homosexual was evil and that God and Jesus now hated me. She knew I was a good person and a good friend. She is, to me, the epitome of what a good Christian should be. Sadly, many of the religious are not like her at all. They are indoctrinated at a very young age to hate other people who are not like them, and they spread their hatred to others as much as possible. Here is a case in point: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8r7SoLdKd8. That your family has cut your uncle out of their lives because he is gay tells Papabear that they belong to those who cling to the underbelly of a distorted and twisted faith. Indeed, such people have a corrupted view of life, and they become that way because of their fear and ignorance. This is a shame, because they limit themselves to a very dull and colorless view of the world and are unlikely to become truly enlightened people. The ugly truth of the matter, Wolfkins, is that Papabear does not believe you will be able to undo the learned behavior of a lifetime and convince your parents that being a furry is okay. Looking at your letter, I see the word HATE in capital letters three times. There is a lot of hatred in your household just beneath a veneer of religious piety. Few things are more abhorrent. So.... how do you deal with this? You have already started on the right track by finding a wonderful girlfriend. That she is not a furry and accepts you totally as you are is, in its way, even better than finding a furry girlfriend, and Papabear would urge you to treat this woman right because she is exactly what you need in your life: someone who loves you for you. A person like her, too, may even lead you to more friends who will accept you. Papabear is willing to bet she comes from a loving, non-judgmental family, and he hopes you will try and meet them if you haven’t already. Spend as much time as you possibly can with your girlfriend and, hopefully, if things go well, her family can become yours and her friends can become yours as well. Papabear has a good feeling about her, if you can’t tell already. In the meantime, try and see if, through education, you might correct your friends’ warped viewpoint of furries. Those with whom you have success you can keep as friends; those who still think furries are perverts and zoophiles, you would do well to dump them. As for your family, you will need to keep things on the furry light side. Get your furry fix around them by watching Disney movies or other films they would likely find inoffensive. You might try something else, too. Have you talked to your priest? If not, you might talk to him about your furry side. Be honest and note that you are aware that there is furporn out there but that is not your interest. See how he reacts. Tell him it is merely an interest of yours. Perhaps he even knows something about furries. See if you can get him on your side. If so, then you might take the chance and see if he can serve as a kind of moderator between you and your family. Your parents are not too likely to take your arguments to heart, but I bet they will listen to your priest. If, on the other hand, he agrees with your parents, then you’ll just have to keep quiet about your furriness a bit longer. Papabear hopes that you will not remain dependent on your parents much longer. The best way to handle such disagreements is when you can argue your viewpoint from a position of strength—that is, when they can’t control you with purse strings. And as for gaining acceptance among other furries, well, sometimes that takes time. Papabear was a furry for years before he started feeling some acceptance. Even then, that acceptance is with a limited number of furries. Try and find one or two furries you can get close to as good friends, and slowly work your way up from there. You are not going to win over the entire fandom in one fell swoop, but don’t worry about it. You can’t interact with thousands of people at once anyway. Start with small steps. Whew! Papabear hopes HE didn’t ramble too much for you. I hope this helps. Yours is not an easy situation, and there are no easy or simple answers to it. Life is a process, not a Q&A. Like anything that is worthwhile, it takes a long time to hit your stride. Good Luck. Bear Hugs. Godspeed. Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
I've been dating my boyfriend for quite a long time over the Internet, and I very much love him with all of my heart, and even want to live my life with him wherever we may go. That being said, whenever I think of moving away from my family here in another state, I become horribly depressed and don't know what to do. This has happened every single time the topic comes up. Is this normal? Am I supposed to suddenly feel depressed when thinking about moving in with him? Please help! --Lawliet * * * Dear Lawliet, You sound like a very loving furry to Papabear. You love your boyfriend and you love your family very much. That does this bear’s heart good, seeing someone like you who is so full of good feelings toward the ones around you. Papabear doesn’t think you are depressed at the thought of moving in with your boyfriend—no no, what is depressing you is the thought of leaving your family and being so far from them that you won’t see them very often. Here’s a thought: who says YOU have to move to where HE lives? Why can’t HE move closer to YOU and your family? Is that a possibility? If so, that is your answer right there. Papabear feels you would be happiest if you could be with both your boyfriend and your family. That doesn’t mean you all have to live in the same house or apartment, just close enough so that visiting is and easy walk, drive, or bicycle ride away. Now, if his moving closer to you is not an option, here’s another thought: you say that he is your Internet boyfriend. Does that mean that you have never met in person before? If so, Papabear STRONGLY recommends you meet this young man before you make any major changes in your life. You cannot get to know someone intimately well via electronic communications alone. Case in point: Papabear knows of two furries who met online and came to like each other very much. So much, that one of them agreed to move across the country and move in with the other. Well, once he did, surprise surprise, the two furries discovered they were not as compatible as they thought. Good news is they are still friends, but they are not mates any more. Lawliet, sometimes there is an inner voice within people that warns them that something is not quite right, and feeling depressed is one such warning sign. Examine your heart carefully before making any big decisions. And if you need further advice, feel free to write Papabear again. Big Bear Squeeze, Papabear Ok... I have a bit of a problem, I guess. Often when I am online I find myself getting severely depressed. Mostly wondering why, but I think I know. I believe it has to do with not felling like I fit in or I have little to nothing in common with most furs. I dunno. I live in a rather small-ish area and I have no real "fur" support group or many "normal" friends. I dunno, I'm usually at some level of depression. Is there anything that you could tell me that may help me?
Bucky * * * Dear Bucky, It sounds to Papabear as if you’re dealing with two things here: chronic depression and your difficulty fitting into the furry community when you are living in an isolated area. Whether or not the two problems are related, Papabear isn’t sure, but let’s see what we can do here. First of all, your feeling that you have “nothing in common with most furs.” The only thing furries have in common with each other is their love of anthropomorphic characters. Although there is a preponderance of teen and twenty-something white furries, for the most part they are about as diverse a group as you can find. Pretty much every religion, socioeconomic level, education level, race, sexual orientation, and species interest is represented. Papabear does not know what your particular background is, but I’m sure there must be some furries who are similar to you in some way and/or share interests with you. One thing you can do is look for them on places like Facebook and Furry4Life, both of which have a number of specialized groups. Papabear belongs to groups specializing in greymuzzles, bears, gay furs, and pagan furs, for example. If you don’t find a group for you, you can start one that is appropriate for you and then put the word out about it to try and get people to join you. This can help you in the virtual world, but then there is also the real world. Geographical isolation can be a problem, especially if you don’t have the means to travel very far. Have you tried finding a local furmeet group. There is a site (http://furries.meetup.com/) that I wish more people would take advantage of. There are only 16 groups on it at the moment, but you could try starting your own meetup group in your area. The gist of this is that you might have to take some initiative on your own to form a kernel of a furry group that meets your personalized needs. If the cause of your depression is your lack of connection, Papabear hopes that some of the above advice may help you. If, though, your depression is caused by something else, then please write again and provide more detail about yourself, and I’d be happy to write a follow-up to you. Bear Hugs, Papabear Hello there.
There are many people in my life who I greatly despise, whenever someone ticks me off, I normally threaten to suffocate them with my scarf. The few friends that I do have think I am a tad bit violent so, you do have any advice for me? --Gray The Mincinno * * * Dear Gray, Your tendencies toward anger and violence are not healthy. Anger is a natural emotion, but some people do not handle it as well as others, and you sound like one of those people. Anger is a reaction to one of two things: something that happens to you externally, such as a negative event (e.g., getting fired from a job) or irritating person, or something that is internal, such as problems in your past that you have not dealt with emotionally in a healthy way. All people face situations that make them angry, but some people react more violently than others when they get angry. Why is that? Well, one reason might be due to genetic or physiological causes. Studies have shown that some people are born more “hot-headed” than others; it is just their nature. On the extreme end of the scale are those who are suffering from a psychological disorder (anger is a side effect of a number of ailments). Another reason is environment: some angry people are that way because they grew up in chaotic environments with poor parenting and little or no social support. They therefore never learn how to deal with their anger in appropriate ways. And there are ways to deal with anger: 1) by trying to calm oneself through meditation, philosophical reflection, even biofeedback techniques to manage how one physically reacts to stress; 2) by expressing one’s anger in an assertive, non-aggressive way; you do this by making known your needs and desires in a way that does not manipulate or control others but simply communicates effectively and persuasively your needs; and 3) by redirecting your anger in another way, such as rigorous outdoor activity. Whatever you do, though, do not suppress or deny your anger because if it has no safe outlet it can burst open into violence, as you suspected. Here is an online brochure published by the American Psychological Association that offers a good overview of anger’s causes and some anger management techniques: http://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control.aspx#. This is one of those letters where Papabear can only point out the first steps to resolving your problem, Gray. What you have said in your brief letter is a bit scary, and I would not want your anger issues to cause anyone any harm. If at all possible, try and seek out a counselor who specializes in anger management. You can start by asking your family doctor for a referral. Good luck, Gray. I hope you can get further help. Papabear Dear Papa,
I seem to be having some trouble with the ladies. I can't figure out whether its because they don't like how I look or I need better chat up lines. Any advice? Yours Sincerely, Kärlek Åkerstedt * * * Dear Kärlek, This is interesting. You do realize you’re asking a gay bear for advice on dating women? LOL, sorry, I just have to chuckle a little bit. I don’t mean to tease, and yours is a serious question. Fortunately, Papabear is not inexperienced in such matters, since he dated women in high school and college and was married for 21 years. Women do still puzzle me, but I feel I have a certain grasp of the situation—enough to help you out, I believe. First of all, no one strategy is going to work on all women. So giving you tips on pick-up lines or how to groom and dress yourself is not going to work on most women. Maybe on a few, but not most, and not women of quality; they are individuals, after all. Secondly, give women some credit: 99% of them are not so shallow that they will be impressed by your hair, your jeans, or what kind of car you drive. So, what ARE women looking for? And what are men looking for, for that matter? Papabear subscribes to the biological view of dating: that is, both sexes are, no matter how much they might deny it, guided by their hormones and millennia of genetic evolution to do one thing: procreate. But the sexes work differently: men are programmed to fertilize as many women as possible, spreading their genes in a battle of survival of the fittest; women, however, can only carry one or two children at a time, and, therefore, are just seeking one highly qualified mate. Although social convention and antiquated ideas of chivalry pressure men to be monogamous, they are, at heart, polygamous, while women are—broadly generalized—monogamous by nature. (Papabear maintains that a monogamous man is far more remarkable than a monogamous woman). Or, as my mate more humorously puts it, “Women need a reason, men just need a place.” So, backtracking a bit, what women are seeking is a guy who will be a good provider, a good father, and an all-around good man. In addition, they are, subconsciously, looking for what you might call a “healthy specimen.” A recent study (http://www.debralieberman.com/downloads/pubs/2010_EHB.pdf) showed that, when it comes to appearance alone, women seek out facial traits that are symmetrical and masculinized, features that subliminally indicate to them that these men are in good, robust health. But there is a careful balance here, because traits signaling high testosterone levels are also risk factors for men who are more likely to cheat and be less attentive to children. Hence, we have a scientific study here of why a lot of women like masculine “bad boys,” but others are looking for a man “who can make me laugh.” Men, on the other paw, are also seeking certain features, such as wide hips and large breasts, both of which indicate a female who can successfully give birth to and feed the child whom he has sired. A lot of the above has been applicable since the days of the cavemen, of course. Suitability for fatherhood and partnership these days are also measured in things such as a good education, good career, and financial stability—the modern equivalent of being the caveman who can kill a mammoth that feeds the entire family for a year. Essentially, Kärlek, what you need to do to become more attractive to women (in terms of things you can personally change about yourself) is not to use superficial strategies such as lame pick-up lines, but, rather, to make yourself a better candidate because you are a better man. Don’t be a Howard Wolowitz (reference to “The Big Bang Theory”), trying to pick up multiple women with magic tricks and brightly colored clothes. Be sincere, like Leonard Hofstadter, who, though he struggles to get the pretty Penny for years, eventually will win her over because why? Because he’s the genuine article: someone who will work hard, be faithful to his wife, and a good father. If you can’t look that far ahead, you won’t be finding a quality girlfriend any time soon. To have better luck with “the ladies,” don’t be a phony. Be well-groomed, friendly, and take a genuine interest in the woman you like. Good luck on the dating scene! Papabear Dear Papabear,
I'm seeing someone who is older than me. I’ve met his friends and hung out with them. He now wants to meet mine. I'm kinda have mixed feelings about the whole thing. My friends aren't so big on the whole dating guys who are older. Could it just be paranoia? --Whittsend * * * Dear Whittsend, The natural response to your letter is this: what is more important to you? Your new boyfriend’s feelings or your friends’ opinions of older guys? If you are so worried about what your friends think, then your boyfriend needs to reconsider being with you; if your boyfriend is more important, then there shouldn’t be a question: take him to a fun party with your other friends. Whittsend, you don’t say how much older he is than you, but I’m guessing it would be more than 5 years or else there wouldn’t really be a noticeable difference in age. Ten years or more and it becomes pretty clear. Papabear thinks that relationships with people older or younger than you are certainly feasible, but you should enter them with caution at times. Some people think that “love conquers all” and it doesn’t really matter as long as you love the other person, but a big age gap CAN be an issue. Age difference matters more when at least one of the parties concerned is younger than twenty. For instance, a relationship between a 15 year old and a 25 year old has a much greater maturity gap than one between a 40 year old and a 50 year old. Middle aged guys rarely fret that they are dating someone a few years older or younger than they are. A teen versus a twenty-something or even older person, though, that’s really not only inappropriate but asking for trouble. Papabear’s mate is 9 years older than he is. We can talk intelligently about many of the same things, but sometimes I feel a little separate from him. He was a young man of the 70s and I feel my routes in the 80s. Our musical tastes can be different, and he has a lot more life experience than I do. I like that we are not carbon copies of each other and that I can learn from him, but for me, personally, I would not want a mate who was much more than 10 years my senior (or junior, for that matter). After a while, there is just too much difference and it would be hard to relate to him. A friend of mine in his 50s once got into a relationship with a man in his 20s. Though they liked each other a lot—and the 20-something LOVED my friend very much—my friend felt that becoming mates would not be a good idea. He was already getting up there in years and slowing down some and he didn’t want to burden the younger man with the inevitable effects of aging. The above are just broad generalizations and guidelines, however, as well as just being Papabear’s opinion from what he has seen over the years. Every situation is different, but do try and stop and think before entering a spring-autumn or spring-winter relationship. Best of luck, Papabear |
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