Dear PB,
I just recently turned seventeen, and I'll be a senior in high school in a matter of months, and I'm a bit ruffled over where I want my future to go. I've given thought to the matter and I generally don't like many activities/hobbies, so at this point, I'm skeptical of how useful a college degree will be considering that I don't know what degree I'd get and the cost of college, despite the increase in income it allows. I've given quite a bit of thought into joining the military, but I'm not sure if that's a viable means of earning a living. I know I can deal with the stress and strain that training will encompass, but I don't want to commit myself to something and then have nothing to fall back upon. Sorry if this letter is rambling any; I have a problem with that. I hope I've given sufficient information for advice, and if not, then I'd be happy to answer any questions. Thank you, Ciner * * * Dear Ciner, There is a lot of pressure on young people to get a college education. As you noted, people with degrees usually make more money than those with only a high school diploma or less. However, it has always been this bear’s belief that a college education (at least, a four-year or higher degree) is not for everyone. As you mention, there is the alternative of the military, but that certainly is not for everyone, either. The good news is there are a lot of careers you can get into without going to college that earn you a decent income. Here is an excellent list about them: http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2013/07/25/50-jobs-over-50000-without-a-degree-part-1/. It includes everything from dog walker to construction-related industries to computers and writing professions. Also, there are a lot of things you can do with a 2-year degree. The U.S. actually has an outstanding community college system. Here are some high-paying jobs with a two-year degree: http://career-advice.monster.com/salary-benefits/salary-information/100k-jobs-two-year-degree/article.aspx and here http://www.forbes.com/sites/moneywisewomen/2012/01/23/highest-paying-2-year-degree-jobs-in-the-us/. So what you need to do is find something in which you have an interest. You noted you “generally don't like many activities/hobbies,” but that doesn’t mean you have no interest in anything, I hope. If you have absolutely no interest in doing anything in your life, then I cannot help you. But if you can find just one or two things that appeal to you, that is workable. Better yet, if you can find something you love and can find a career in, then you will never work a day in your life because work will be like play. If I could, for instance, earn a living writing this column, I would be one happy bear. Don’t be pressured by adults or peers to do something for the money. That will just make your life sad—and is, unfortunately, what happens to most people in this world. Find your passion first, then make it a career. Good luck! Papabear
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Papabear,
I am gay... and have been in love with my straight best friend since almost 4 years now... last year I came out to him... and shortly after confessed my feelings for him ... he took it quite positively.. but after that he started avoiding me ... and behaving differently ... when I asked if it was better I stayed away from him ... he wouldn't let me ... and it hurt a lot when he wouldn't reply or would cut me off... so I finally decided to stop talking to him ... secretly hoping he would miss me... and that he would go back to normal... but that didn't happen.... he did not text nor call for almost more than three months... and yesterday he send me a text saying "hi! how's life...?" I finally started to get used to him not being there ... and now this ... so I haven't replied...what should I do...? Please help. Damon (age 16, India) * * * Hi, Damon, Your boyfriend might be okay with your being gay on general principles, but he might be fearful that you want him for more than a friend. You say yourself you’re in love with him, and I’m sure he figured that out, too. The question is: can you just be friends with him? Or would it drive you crazy to be in a close friendship knowing that you can never have him on more intimate terms? If you had a boyfriend, it might put him at ease that you are not going to make any moves on him, but since you’re single at the moment, that strategy won’t work. Now that you got his text asking you how you are, it might be an indication he is ready to talk again after his initial surprise. If I were you, I would follow up with a reply and ask if he would meet you for coffee or tea, or at some other public place, and talk. If he does, reassure him in as many ways possible that you are only interested in resuming your friendship with him and that you aren’t going to do anything to make him uncomfortable (I’m not sure what is going on in his mind, but I do know that a lot of straight guys out there think that gay men are all out to “convert” them; maybe that’s only fair, since straight religious people are always trying to convert gay men). If there is a chance you can resume your friendship, you should try to do so. But do try and set aside any romantic notions you might have about your relationship. Good luck! Papabear Dear Papabear,
Am I too old to get started? Or, I guess I should be more clear... I've known about furry fandom for several years, the art is wonderful and there are a number of comics I love. I even lurk on a few of the forums. I've never really gotten involved in the community for a few reasons. I have what I guess is a reasonably satisfying personal life as is, kinda, but even more, I'm REALLY bad at making friends online. Furriness seems to happen over about a thousand vectors, a ton of them online. It's mystifying trying to keep up and I always feel like I'm missing out on some like shared language or cultural thing. That and I feel like I'd be pretty old to be a newbie. I know there are older furs in existence, but I'm already past average and would be starting at like, zero. I don't know. Furrydom is a beautiful thing but I can't tell if or how or whether I should try to take part in any way, or just keep standing back and watching... Thanks for any words of wisdom P.S. And yep, I know I just missed the big Con here in my city; that's part of what spurred the question... Lauris Jones (29, Atlanta) * * * Dear Lauris, Hmmm *gets out paper and pencil, old school* you're 29 and I was.... 40 when I first started getting active in the fandom, so that's ... 9 from 10 is 1 and 2 from 3 is 1 ... so 11 years younger than I was! Would you say I'm too old for the fandom? Not at all, and neither are you. It's never too late to be furry! Oh, sure, most of those in the fandom are younger than us, but there are also a lot of older furries, as you know. You might want to join a "Greymuzzle" group, like the one on Furry4Life. I have one on Facebook, too, but you need to be 30 to join. Although, if your birthday is coming soon, I may cut you some slack <g>. There are three kinds of older furries IMO: 1) those who were active in the beginning of the modern fandom and are still active, 2) those who just discovered the fandom, possibly by accident, and are just getting to understand what furry is, and 3) those who have always been a furry but only more recently became active in the fandom. As a corollary, there are also two kinds of young furries: 1) those who are furries at heart and will eventually become greymuzzles, and 2) those who are just in it for now because they like being rebellious and different but, by the time they are 30, if not before, will dismiss the fandom as something “for kids” and they’ll become old at heart (sad). The best furries are the ones who are furries in their soul and will always love furry art and literature no matter what their age. The distinction that should be made here is the difference between being a furry and being in this globulous, amorphous, randomized, ambiguous thing we call “the fandom.” To this day, I’m not really sure what it means in itself, but “to be in the fandom” means, basically, to be active in things like cons and meets and websites and such. You can be a furry and not be in the fandom at all; interestingly, I believe you can also be in the fandom without really being a furry (aka a poser). The fandom exists in two aspects: the real world of furcons and meets, and the virtual world that is a labyrinth of websites, social and otherwise, that can, as you observed, be quite confusing indeed (which is one of the main reasons I’m working on www.americanfurryassociation.org). When it comes to social sites, the main sites I work with are FurAffinity, Facebook, and Furry4Life (there’s also the popular SoFurry). Since you have a hard time making friends online, you need to find furmeets near you. If you go to http://www.americanfurryassociation.org/ga-consmeets.html you’ll see con and meet information for your state. (You need to sign up for a free membership to get a password). And you can search Facebook for furry groups in your area; also, you can try https://furrymap.net/ to see if you can locate nearby furries to contact and maybe organize a small gathering. Finally, there’s no law says you can’t organize your own furry meet at your house or someplace like a local bowling alley or maybe a movie outing. As for getting into the terminology and so forth, I would recommend you check out Wikifur. It's the wiki for furries and you can learn everything from terminology to history to furcon information. A very handy tool! So, to summarize, no, you are not too old to be a furry and to become active in the fandom; and, secondly, if you are uncomfortable with online interactions you should explore meeting furries in the real world through cons and meets. Hope that helps! Stay furry! Papabear Dear Papabear,
Note: - Even though I don't think you are a 100 % spiritual tolerated person, I still like to ask stuff, sort of now. Do you think society is getting better and more tolerance? Or is it just getting... worse? Because of what I been hearing about (People abusing critique, attacking stuff for what it is, etc.), I feel like my faith is much more down the drain. My dream future will probably be frowned upon, so it feels like there is no point. I was recently looking up why people generally hated "Twilight" (I'm not even a fan), and I was hoping that it wasn't based on any biased reasons. Even though, people should respect each other still. Sadly, all I have seen was very biased reasons of that movie (or book), people hate something that's meant to be what it is, they force there idiotic opinions over something just because it was, different. They then bash any fan, and tell them not to embrace it. The Twilight hate is very bigoted, and often, completely zero real criticism. They complain that "vampires" don't sparkle (When yet, people has always made up new styles for any "fictional" originated story.), compare it to the wrong movies, etc. etc. They expect that every written story to be the same, generic type of thing. (I mean really, what if a story about an art-style/sparkle vampire was crazy awesome, there is a chance of that you know.) When something is made that is MEANT to be for certain people, people who hates a different audience movie should learn to move on and not complain, but NO, they go out, bash fans who likes it and force complete biased opinions over them. I even heard a known guy for bashing it, saying "Twilight" should not exist, and seeing a bunch of corrupts loving him just for that. This makes me sick. Even worse: I see people stand up for other people and teach haters to move on and leave others who like it, but the haters waste there damn energy pouring hatred on those kinds of people. This makes me sick. Very sick. And it sounds like people promoting unconstitutional censorship! Society has in fact, FAILED to listen to the Golden Rule - "One should treat others as one would like others to treat oneself." Here is another example: Mary Sue - I come to understand that making a "Mary Sue" story can end up often being "boring" (I think) to a certain type of audience, and I can suggest to avoid that if you are trying to reach a general audience or something, but when a story is meant to be Mary Sue, and is meant for a different, different audience, people should respect the interests of it, but sadly, I see abusive criticizing (Pointing out something for what it is and comparing it to something it's not) over it. Here is another example: There was a fan-game of My Little Pony: http://www.equestriagaming.com/2014/02/a-my-little-pony-platformer-game.html And apparently, instead of being a Mature tolerance kind of person, the person bashes it for what it is, just because it was a style of Mario, a self-insert (Self-inserts can be good), etc. He/She used misleading tags such as "creepypasta" and "survival horror", just because of the biased reasons. I have argued how offensive it was to compare this to different things and bashing something that CAN be good for what it is, but the person just ignorantly complained, and disabled the comments. The original artist of the fan game has also complained about Tuxxy (The site owner) being rude against His/Her own fan-game. So when He/She disabled them, he refused to delete those tags. These are an example of how bad society is possibly getting, they abused critique, attack something for what it is and compare something to something it's not, it's just another form of hatred. They also often hate something, just because of fans (Fans never hurt anyone, but haters do). The reason why I take (Especially the Twilight thing) these kinds of things seriously in a bad way is because this can effect future works of others that desire to make something for difference audience. Now sadly if society continues to do this, so many good new, creative works will probably be bashed just because, people hate it. I have a huge dream of people to embrace other kinds of fandoms, to even have the freedom to be just as popular as any kinds of things (Take Frozen for example), but seeing this horrid crap (Especially people telling others that they must be limited) makes my own faith and others very low. It's just another valid reason on why I'm 80-95 % misanthropic, and the fact that I tend to avoid society a lot. I just don't know what to do, even the Furry Fandom may be slowly moving to the side of the horrid side of humanity. The Brony Fandom is much ahead to the real dark side, with little tolerance I think, and I see no signs (or much) of hope of respect of real critique. All I see is people bashing Art-Styles, Story Ideas, etc. for WHAT THEY ARE. And it's like if I were to make a story that judges intolerance or something, I would get abused by false criticism just because most people on here isn't into it (Biased). Yet, it's meant for certain people and to grow to teach the world later. Or people bashing your bear fursona JUST because it's consider "weird"; furry, different, etc. Of course, there are many other issues of society (Like anti-sexuality, and other kinds of things), but this is just one of great things, making things worse. >>Also, I can respect any biased reason to personality dislike something, but I will NEVER respect people who cross the line with them: Bashing fans, claiming "name" is bad based of biased, telling others they can't embrace, other kinds of abusing critique (Failure of promoting the PURPOSE), etc.<< I don't even know if you are the right person here to ask this, if you don't know for sure, then you don't have to reply. Diamond Man * * * Hi, Diamond Man, Hmm, not sure what you mean by saying I’m not a “100% spiritual tolerated person,” but I hope you don’t think I’m intolerant of others for their spiritual beliefs. I try not to be. As to your question, “Do you think society is getting better and more tolerance? Or is it just getting... worse?” My belief is that, historically, intolerance has been a chronic condition of the human race. In one sense, I think that a large portion of humanity (not a majority, but a larger and larger chunk) is becoming more enlightened thanks to increased education, the advancement of science, and increased exposure to other cultures, all of which has allowed those who are able to take advantage of these developments to open their eyes to the larger world rather than remaining in a parochial one. In another sense, though, it might seem like there is more intolerance because, thanks to the “communication age” of the Internet and other technology, we are privileged to hear a lot more blowholes spouting invective about the least little thing. What puzzles me a bit is why you are concerned so much about criticism over such things as The Twilight Saga and Mary Sue fiction when there are much more serious issues to be concerned about, such as debate over global warming, the destruction of the environment, the continued inequities among the races in our culture, and the war of the wealthy right-wing elite against the poor and middle classes and against religious minorities. When one considers the serious problems in the world, does it really matter if vampires have sparkly skin or not? Of course it doesn’t. And if some people object to it (or other types of fiction) then maybe they shouldn’t read it. As for criticizing it, I don’t have much respect for critics. Most of them simply get off trashing other people’s work. When it comes to fiction, for instance, I would say that unless you have written a successful novel yourself (or something similar) you really don’t have any solid ground to stand on when attempting to criticize something you are incapable of doing yourself. To stretch out an old saying: those who can’t do, teach; those who can’t teach, criticize. Critics, as you’ve pointed out, can often stifle creativity by hurting the feelings of the sensitive who might have created something worthwhile had their egos not been so badly damaged. There are few things more painful than putting one’s heart and soul into a story only to have it roundly criticized. As someone who has a hundred rejection letters in his file cabinet, I can attest to that. But those who really believe in themselves will forge ahead anyway. Margaret Mitchell, to mention one author who leaps to mind, was rejected by dozens of publishers before Gone with the Wind was finally accepted. I think one of your main points was that haters were bashing certain works of fiction simply for what they are rather than on more objective merits, such as character and plot development. Some people, for instance, are “purists” when it comes to things like what a vampire looks like and how it behaves. To me, such people are stuck in a rut. I actually thought the idea of the sparkly skin as an explanation as to why vampires don’t like to go out into the sun was clever and, in a way, makes more sense than the notion that they burst into flames. I’m not a fan of Twilight (mostly because it really is written to appeal to young girls), but I wouldn’t criticize it just because Stephenie Meyers took liberties with the premise. Indeed, changing details about genres and creatures in fiction has been going on for generations. For example, Bela Lugosi’s characterization of Count Dracula is uniquely his and not really at all as Bram Stoker wrote him. Stoker, indeed, described the Count only in very vague terms; it was Lugosi who gave him the looks and mannerisms that became the standard for decades. Early vampires, modeled after Lugosi’s portrayal, tended to be elegant, classy gentlemen. This model became more complex over time, with probably the Anne Rice books really contributing to the shift in the modern era. Vampires started, too, to gain other magical talents, like superspeed and the ability to transform into various creatures, even into mist. Finally, we also saw the advent of “good vampires.” So, to complain that Meyers’ vampires are too different is to be ignorant of the fact that what a vampire is is not chiseled in stone. ANYway, technology that gives us such questionable advances as Facebook also gives us more opportunity to hear and read all the obnoxious, ignorant, and downright stupid thoughts that many people have no qualms sharing. And don’t forget! Trolls! Trolls are people who hiss inflammatory insults about almost anything with the goal of provoking a reaction out of you. As far as you’re concerned, you are falling right into the paws of the trolls, Diamond Man. Giving them exactly what they want, which is to upset you. The best strategy for you is to live and let live. Let the haters hate; let them live in their shallow, petty, nasty little world, which is the worst type of self-inflicted punishment you could ask for. In the meantime, don’t let them get to you. Enjoy whatever you like, and you can counter the haters by posting love and support for the writers who produce the stories you enjoy. No, it’s not a more hateful world, just a more vocal one. Hugs, Papabear My ex-girlfriend and I were together for nearly 2 year. A few weeks before we broke up she told me about this guy that was hitting on her and buying her lil things. She started to get impatient with me and even ignored me. She, beforehand, always made a point to ask for no gifts. She didn't want me spending money on her. But suddenly she asked why I DIDN'T buy her stuff. She wasn't a gold digger at all. She finally broke up with me (coincidentally the same week I got fired from my job). Later when I asked why she left me she said it was because we didn't get enough time together. We live 20 minutes away from each other by car, and neither of us had cars, so we prolly only saw each other once or twice a week, but at the same time. When I did come over those last few weeks she kinda pushed me away. She eventually did date the guy who was hitting on her. Then they broke up.
Now she wants to get back together, but I'm not ready to. I still love her, but I for one kinda feel cheated in not being able to experience dating life for real (she was my first serious girlfriend and I gave her my v card [Papabear: short for Valentine’s?]). For another thing, I don't think we can get back together without me being able to tell her how terrible she made me feel. I don't want to hurt her, but I really need to get it out. I myself am a very shy wolf. I shy away from fights usually and other conflicts. But that gets me hurt a lot. I care too much about people as well. MEH! Papaburr, what do I do? Kiba Okami Hikari * * * Dear Kiba, It sounds as if your former girlfriend doesn’t really know what she wants. She tells you one thing, but then her behavior tells a completely different story. What she needs to do is to get her head together and decide what she really wants in a boyfriend. If I were you, I would not be anxious to get back together with someone like that. (Hence, your hesitation is most certainly justified). Important: don’t let her dictate the terms of whether or not you get back together. She’s taking advantage of your shy nature to control the situation, but you are at least half of the equation and your needs are just as important as hers. It has to be a two-way street. I can’t tell you, of course, whether or not you should love and care about someone. That’s up to you and your heart. But I can tell you that you should only get back together with her AFTER she has given you a clear answer as to what she wants from a boyfriend and after you make it clear to her what you want from a relationship, as well. You both need to agree on this before you get back together; or, in talking about it, you might find you want different things, and that will save you the time and emotional investment of diving back into a relationship that is going nowhere. Good luck! Papabear Hi Papabear!
First, I’m sorry for my bad English. I'll try to do my best though. So, I thing I have a really weird problem. I love furries since I was 14 (something like that), but I’m afraid of animals. I can't even approach a dog, or I have to control myself. My question is, is it normal to be like this? I'm a furry, I love artworks about it, and I can't touch any animals. Isn't it a shame for someone like me? Thanks in advance, it's really bothering me... Naokami * * * Dear Naokami, This is a new one on me, really. One of the traits of every furry I have thus far met is that they are animal lovers. There must be something you like about animals—their fur, their tales, wings, snouts, something—that attracts you to them, otherwise you would not be a furry. Yet the disconnect between reality and fantasy is not unique to you. For example, many a young girl falls in love with her collection of plastic horses, but get her near a real horse and she screams in terror and runs away. I love bears, but I certainly would not want to stand face to face with a real grizzly in its natural habitat. Same thing, likely, with all those wolf furries out there who, I would bet, would be most uncomfortable hiking in Montana only to come across a pack of real live timber wolves. Those are cases, of course, of wild animals (except for the horses). You say you are afraid of all animals, including dogs, cats, pet birds, even fish? One possible explanation is that you have had a traumatic past experience with a pet. You don’t mention that, but it is also possible that it happened when you were very young and your mind is suppressing the experience. It might not even be a real-life experience that triggered the fear. For instance, a lot of people came to fear sharks because of the movie Jaws, or big dogs because of the movie Cujo, or rats from the movie Ben. Sometimes, too, fears are just in your head for no reason. The very definition of phobia is “irrational fear.” Some pet phobias include:
and so on... And, of course, there’s my favorite, Arachnophobia, the fear of spiders. I don’t exactly pee my pants at the site of the spider, and I’m fine with most of them, even tarantulas, but I totally freak out at the sight of a black widow spider. That’s not really an irrational phobia, because I know someone who was bitten by a venomous spider, but I do understand how an animal can make your skin crawl. It’s a good thing you don’t have Maskaphobia, or, seriously, the fear of masks, because then you’d never be able to go to a furry convention. Why people fear some specific things is not always well understood. If it is not caused by a traumatic event in the past, it could be a learned behavior from your parents or other family members, for example. There might, in some cases, even be a case for genetic memory. That is, for example, our ancestors learning that some snakes were venomous and becoming afraid of them and that fear somehow being encoded in our brains over generations. This might seem a good explanation for some fears, such as snakes, falling, wolves, etc., but not for others, such as the fear of cheese (Turophobia) or the fear of beards (Pogonophobia). If you have the latter, don’t look at me. Your fear of cats and dogs could be a manifestation of ancestral fears of such things as wolves and lions—a stretching-it hypothesis. I would vote that, more likely, it has to do with something in your past or a learned behavior. Like all behaviors, the good news is that you can unlearn it. The basic approach is to face your fears in a controlled, step-by-step manner, gradually exposing yourself to the thing you fear in a safe environment, and slowly increasing your exposure to it. Here’s a useful explanation of that: http://www.wikihow.com/Overcome-Phobia. Perhaps your interest in the furry fandom is you unconsciously trying to get over that fear in your own way. You know, many furcons donate money to animal charities. You might try going to a furcon—an environment where you would feel safe and surrounded by people you like—and talk to the people at one of those charities and look at the animals they often bring with them. Tell them about your phobia and see if they might not let you touch or pet one of their animals. Doing so under the supervision of a pet handler might make it easier for you. So that is the long-winded response to your question. While fearing animals is not a hugely unusual phobia, it is quite uncommon among furries, but the good news is that you can overcome your fear if you really wish to. Good luck! Papabear Papabear,
I had a close friendship which ended acrimoniously. I've accepted that it's over, and I just want to move on. But I can't do that if I keep being reminded of him. We're both part of a certain furry subculture. As such, I keep seeing his name pop up in comments, or other people mentioning him. It seems like the only way to stop hearing about him is to cut off all ties with furries and furry online in general. Aside from that, is there any more feasible way I can put him behind me? Unforgettable * * * Hi, Unforgettable, Cutting all ties to the furry community just because of this one furry would be like a surgeon amputating your leg because you have a hangnail on your big toe. Overkill, hon. There are a couple of people in the fandom who have broken ties with me (and a couple vice versa) for one reason or another, but I’m not going to abandon something I love just because of that. I understand that if you are socializing within a tight-knit group that it might be hard to avoid someone. First question is whether your interactions with this group is strictly online or whether you are meeting in person. If online (as such subcultures often are because of the scarcity of members and the fact they are often spread around the country or even the world) then it should be a fairly simple thing to avoid this person by blocking him in various ways. If the situation is that you are meeting the people in your little subculture in person, then now’s the time to learn the very useful social skill of how to get along with people you don’t like. This is a helpful talent not only in social situations but also in business—and often more useful in business. When I worked in an office, there were a couple people I really didn’t like much, but you have to work with them because they are on your team, or a boss’s boss, or whatever (for the record, I was mostly pretty fortunate in liking most of my bosses and coworkers). You can’t, of course, tell your boss’s boss he’s a douchebag, or this might happen. So, one is cordial to the boss or other coworker because it is in one’s own self-interest. The same is true in your social situation. You fought with this person and are no longer friends, but if you cut off everyone else in your social group you will not only look like a douchebag to them, you will also be cutting off your nose to spite your face. Your ex-friend wins and you lose because he gets to participate in the group you used to enjoy while you have ostracized yourself into oblivion. Don’t let the other furry win. You march over to the next gathering of your friends and interact with them as you normally would. Then, if you come across the person who upset you, you be cordial and polite to him without being necessarily friendly. Be the bigger man. Don’t let him get on your nerves, either. If he tries to make you mad, say something like, “That’s something we disagree on and I don’t care to talk about it anymore with you.” The calmer you are and the more outraged he becomes, the more he looks like an idiot to your being the good guy. Good luck! Papabear Dear Papabear,
I'm having a problem which is leaving me feeling pretty down and depressed and I'm not sure what to do about it. Also just a warning this letter might be somewhat jumbled as I’m bad with words. Basically, I’m lonely, not just for a relationship but for any form of social interaction in general. After high school I pretty much lost contact with all of my friends; my only one left is my best friend but with her job and her going to college we barely get to hang out. Honestly, most of my friends are online, but I've also been losing them as well. Over half the people on my Skype I barely see anymore. I want to meet new people and make new friends and even maybe one day find that special someone, but I’m just not sure how to go about it. I am in every sense of the word .... a shut in. I don't like leaving my home that often. Usually, I only leave if its a necessity or if a friend invites me over, and with the latter barely being an option I don't go out and do things. I have only left my house once for a job interview in the past two months. I've read some similar letters you've answered and I recall you recommending to go out and get hobbies etc., but I don't have any hobbies or interests that could get me out of my house. The only thing I could think of is a small fur meet that goes on in my town once a month, but I've been too nervous to go because 1) I have severe social anxiety; 2) I don't know how to approach anyone there since I wouldn't know anyone and I would be kinda embarrassed to just pop up out of nowhere. Sorry if this letter was kind of unorganized and I hope answering this wont be too much trouble or a bother to you, and thank you for taking the time to read my letter. From Ati * * * Hi, Ati, The solution to your problem is to overcome your social anxiety. No social anxiety, no blockade against meeting people, and once you are able to meet people you will make friends, and once you make friends, your loneliness will be gone. There’s a difference between just being shy and having social anxiety—it’s a difference of degree, really. People who are merely shy can generally function in society, though timidly, while those with debilitating social anxiety find that it profoundly affects their ability to have a normal life. If you are spending most of your life “shut in” your home it will make it hard, if not impossible, to hold down a job, go to school, or have friends and loved ones in your life. And it sounds like a problem that is growing worse for you, given your statement that you had friends in high school but now are becoming more and more disconnected. Some people believe that the advent of the Internet and social networks can be the solution for social anxiety because you can interact safely through a keyboard or webcam. But, as you are discovering, this notion is fallacious. As you become more disengaged from life (you have no hobbies or interests because you are not interacting with the real world around you and, thus, become remote from it, intellectually and spiritually) you have less and less to talk about. People, quite frankly, will find you boring and uninteresting to interact with. This explains why you are losing friends and contacts. Papabear is finding this an increasing problem in the furry world, and, likely, the rest of American society as well. I’ve lost count of how many text conversations I’ve had like this: Furry: hi Papabear: hello Furry: how are you? Papabear: I’m fine, thanks. Furry: what are you doing? Papabear: I’m working, how about you? Furry: chillin Papabear: Great. Did you want something? Furry: just to chat Papabear: Okay, what do you want to chat about? Furry: I dunno Papabear: Well, I better get back to work then Furry: Don’t go I want to talk Papabear: Sure, what about? Furry: dunno Papabear: (making an excuse) Oh, gtg, my boss is calling me. Bye! If this sounds like you, then maybe you can see the problem. It’s not fun to talk to someone with nothing going on in his head. The way to do that is to get involved with your life, so here are some things you can do to overcome your anxiety:
There is nothing more dull and isolating than being a hermit. Interacting with people is how you learn things, and when you learn stuff you gain an interest in this incredible world around you that is filled with fascinating, wondrous things to get excited about, and when that happens, you will have begun to live again, and part of living is finding friends and falling in love. It’s all interconnected, Ati, but you have to take the first step. Hugs, Papabear Hello Papabear,
This question has been on my mind for quite a while. Like you, I'm trying to help others by listening when an ear is needed, and giving advice if that might give the other a better life. This probably stems from my past, which I won't elaborate too much on; it might suffice to say I've been mistreated/abused as a kid with nobody around to stop it, because "children make up funny stories.” While I've definitely helped some people quite a lot, I've also hurt my closest friends thanks to my inability to cope with life from time to time (and other reasons). My past is to blame; I keep getting nightmares (even at daytime) and it causes very bad and rapid mood swings. Thanks to those, I can be a horrible person to my friends and actually mean every hateful word I say at that moment, but regret everything the next and want to help everyone again. It's easier for the acquaintances and strangers I help because when I feel bad I simply won't talk to them, whereas my friends... This gives rise to my question: should I keep helping others? From my (dis)position, it's easier for me than for those who have never suffered abuse to relate to some of the people who ask me for help. When I help, I do so assiduously. When I'm in a bad mood, my emotional instability will cause me to say things to my friends that have cost me some permanently. I love helping others, but I fear they'll end up in worse shape than they were prior to talking to me. An example: my closest friend. I've been helping him to get more happy, get rid of his depression and get better self-esteem. Not long ago, I said things that weren't directly insulting but manipulative enough to make him resort to cutting himself again and make his suicidal tendencies return.... It'll take a while to tend the wounds—physically and mentally—and even longer to get back to where I was with him on a social level, or even almost a romantic one... Am I one who can help others, or am I the one to be helped? Yours sincerely, Fracti * * * Dear Fracti, A fascinating question, and thanks for writing to me. The biggest reason why I started writing “Ask Papabear” is because I felt that my experience, both within and outside the fandom, would be a benefit to other furries if I could share it with them. In 48 years, I have been through a lot, experiencing, in my life and in those who are close to me, divorce, love, death, suicide, cancer, sexual experiences with both sexes and living in both the hetero and gay communities, and on and on. I am familiar with emotional and mental illness on a personal level. I’m also versed in the ins and outs of the furry community, and I use this experience to help others. You have experienced personal tragedy, as well, and I admire your desire to use your knowledge to try and help others. But because you are still not emotionally stable and have not, apparently, received therapy or counseling for what is bothering you on a very deep psychological level, it is causing harm to others. No one is entirely sane, I should note. And no one is without at least some prejudices. I try very hard to be objective when I write to my readers, but I slip, too, now and then. This is why I keep the Comments option “on” on this site, because I appreciate my readers’ feedback; they often catch things I forget to note, and, occasionally, call me on it when I slip up (probably the most memorable example being the case of the furry who fell in love with his aunt). I am extremely conscious of the fact that I could cause serious harm to someone if I said something hurtful to them, no matter how unintentionally. This is why I often spend considerable time on a reply before I post it and email it to the writer. I read and re-read what I have written, revising several times. It’s also why I will never do a call-in radio show, because I don’t like giving replies off the cuff. It’s too easy to slip up that way and say something wrong. (This can be true even in instant messaging; I have a friend with some very strong right-wing thoughts, especially about gun control, and debates with him can get me quite angry and cause me to say unkind things, so I have to be careful.) Likewise with you. Because of your emotional hurt, you are a bit like a minefield in a beautiful garden. If one is cautious, the walk along the path can be splendid, but a misstep could be killer. Therefore, I think it would be best if you took care of yourself first before trying to help others. You’ve already seen the consequences, so you should learn from them, take a step back, get your emotions under control through some therapy or whatever works best for you, and then reevaluate yourself and see if you are okay to once more counsel others. If you wish to talk with me more about the psychological trauma you suffered in the past, please feel free to write again. Good luck! (Hugs tight!) Papabear |
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A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.
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