To Find Friends He Needs to Overcome His Social Anxiety

Dear Papabear,

I'm having a problem which is leaving me feeling pretty down and depressed and I'm not sure what to do about it. Also just a warning this letter might be somewhat jumbled as I’m bad with words.

Basically, I’m lonely, not just for a relationship but for any form of social interaction in general. After high school I pretty much lost contact with all of my friends; my only one left is my best friend but with her job and her going to college we barely get to hang out. Honestly, most of my friends are online, but I've also been losing them as well. Over half the people on my Skype I barely see anymore.

I want to meet new people and make new friends and even maybe one day find that special someone, but I’m just not sure how to go about it. I am in every sense of the word .... a shut in. I don't like leaving my home that often. Usually, I only leave if its a necessity or if a friend invites me over, and with the latter barely being an option I don't go out and do things. I have only left my house once for a job interview in the past two months.

I've read some similar letters you've answered and I recall you recommending to go out and get hobbies etc., but I don't have any hobbies or interests that could get me out of my house. The only thing I could think of is a small fur meet that goes on in my town once a month, but I've been too nervous to go because 1) I have severe social anxiety; 2) I don't know how to approach anyone there since I wouldn't know anyone and I would be kinda embarrassed to just pop up out of nowhere.

Sorry if this letter was kind of unorganized and I hope answering this wont be too much trouble or a bother to you, and thank you for taking the time to read my letter.

From Ati

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Hi, Ati,

The solution to your problem is to overcome your social anxiety. No social anxiety, no blockade against meeting people, and once you are able to meet people you will make friends, and once you make friends, your loneliness will be gone.

There’s a difference between just being shy and having social anxiety—it’s a difference of degree, really. People who are merely shy can generally function in society, though timidly, while those with debilitating social anxiety find that it profoundly affects their ability to have a normal life. If you are spending most of your life “shut in” your home it will make it hard, if not impossible, to hold down a job, go to school, or have friends and loved ones in your life. And it sounds like a problem that is growing worse for you, given your statement that you had friends in high school but now are becoming more and more disconnected.

Some people believe that the advent of the Internet and social networks can be the solution for social anxiety because you can interact safely through a keyboard or webcam. But, as you are discovering, this notion is fallacious. As you become more disengaged from life (you have no hobbies or interests because you are not interacting with the real world around you and, thus, become remote from it, intellectually and spiritually) you have less and less to talk about. People, quite frankly, will find you boring and uninteresting to interact with. This explains why you are losing friends and contacts.

Papabear is finding this an increasing problem in the furry world, and, likely, the rest of American society as well. I’ve lost count of how many text conversations I’ve had like this:

Furry: hi

Papabear: hello

Furry: how are you?

Papabear: I’m fine, thanks.

Furry: what are you doing?

Papabear: I’m working, how about you?

Furry: chillin

Papabear: Great. Did you want something?

Furry: just to chat

Papabear: Okay, what do you want to chat about?

Furry: I dunno

Papabear: Well, I better get back to work then

Furry: Don’t go I want to talk

Papabear: Sure, what about?

Furry: dunno

Papabear: (making an excuse) Oh, gtg, my boss is calling me. Bye!

If this sounds like you, then maybe you can see the problem. It’s not fun to talk to someone with nothing going on in his head. The way to do that is to get involved with your life, so here are some things you can do to overcome your anxiety:

• Start by getting yourself the self-help book Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness by Gillian Butler.  You can buy a used or Kindle copy for under ten bucks.
• If you can, find a therapist to help you.
• Social anxiety is based on your fears of what might happen should you interact with others, rather than what is actually happening. People suffering from this get freaked out because they believe people are constantly judging them. This is because you’re filling your head with negative thoughts of how people will see you. You therefore need to be aware of when you have these negative thoughts and, when you do, stop yourself and force your outlook into positive mode. For example, say you’re going to that interview, and the thought enters your head, “They won’t want me; I haven’t worked in a while and don’t have many skills....” Stop yourself right there and tell yourself, “I don’t know that. I can be a hard worker, and I’m willing to learn or do anything for this job, I’ll promise to do my best and look forward to working my way up the ladder!” Going to an interview with this outlook will give you a confident appearance which, I can tell you, is very appealing to a potential employer.
• Start working on slowly, very slowly, getting out of the house and meeting people. Try a one-on-one before you go to a furmeet, for example. Try inviting a local furry to your home to do something innocuous like play a video game. After a little of this, try a small gathering of 2-4 friends, and work your way up to things like meets and cons.
• Don’t get freaked out if you have a setback of some kind. Take a deep breath and get back on the horse and keep trying.

There is nothing more dull and isolating than being a hermit. Interacting with people is how you learn things, and when you learn stuff you gain an interest in this incredible world around you that is filled with fascinating, wondrous things to get excited about, and when that happens, you will have begun to live again, and part of living is finding friends and falling in love.

It’s all interconnected, Ati, but you have to take the first step.

Hugs,

Papabear