Don't Let a Fight with a Former Friend Destroy Your Social Life

Papabear,

I had a close friendship which ended acrimoniously. I've accepted that it's over, and I just want to move on. But I can't do that if I keep being reminded of him. We're both part of a certain furry subculture. As such, I keep seeing his name pop up in comments, or other people mentioning him.

It seems like the only way to stop hearing about him is to cut off all ties with furries and furry online in general. Aside from that, is there any more feasible way I can put him behind me?

Unforgettable

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Hi, Unforgettable,

Cutting all ties to the furry community just because of this one furry would be like a surgeon amputating your leg because you have a hangnail on your big toe. Overkill, hon. There are a couple of people in the fandom who have broken ties with me (and a couple vice versa) for one reason or another, but I’m not going to abandon something I love just because of that.

I understand that if you are socializing within a tight-knit group that it might be hard to avoid someone. First question is whether your interactions with this group is strictly online or whether you are meeting in person. If online (as such subcultures often are because of the scarcity of members and the fact they are often spread around the country or even the world) then it should be a fairly simple thing to avoid this person by blocking him in various ways.

If the situation is that you are meeting the people in your little subculture in person, then now’s the time to learn the very useful social skill of how to get along with people you don’t like. This is a helpful talent not only in social situations but also in business—and often more useful in business.

When I worked in an office, there were a couple people I really didn’t like much, but you have to work with them because they are on your team, or a boss’s boss, or whatever (for the record, I was mostly pretty fortunate in liking most of my bosses and coworkers). You can’t, of course, tell your boss’s boss he’s a douchebag, or this might happen.

So, one is cordial to the boss or other coworker because it is in one’s own self-interest. The same is true in your social situation. You fought with this person and are no longer friends, but if you cut off everyone else in your social group you will not only look like a douchebag to them, you will also be cutting off your nose to spite your face. Your ex-friend wins and you lose because he gets to participate in the group you used to enjoy while you have ostracized yourself into oblivion.

Don’t let the other furry win. You march over to the next gathering of your friends and interact with them as you normally would. Then, if you come across the person who upset you, you be cordial and polite to him without being necessarily friendly. Be the bigger man. Don’t let him get on your nerves, either. If he tries to make you mad, say something like, “That’s something we disagree on and I don’t care to talk about it anymore with you.” The calmer you are and the more outraged he becomes, the more he looks like an idiot to your being the good guy.

Good luck!

Papabear