My ex-girlfriend and I were together for nearly 2 year. A few weeks before we broke up she told me about this guy that was hitting on her and buying her lil things. She started to get impatient with me and even ignored me. She, beforehand, always made a point to ask for no gifts. She didn't want me spending money on her. But suddenly she asked why I DIDN'T buy her stuff. She wasn't a gold digger at all. She finally broke up with me (coincidentally the same week I got fired from my job). Later when I asked why she left me she said it was because we didn't get enough time together. We live 20 minutes away from each other by car, and neither of us had cars, so we prolly only saw each other once or twice a week, but at the same time. When I did come over those last few weeks she kinda pushed me away. She eventually did date the guy who was hitting on her. Then they broke up.
Now she wants to get back together, but I'm not ready to. I still love her, but I for one kinda feel cheated in not being able to experience dating life for real (she was my first serious girlfriend and I gave her my v card [Papabear: short for Valentine’s?]). For another thing, I don't think we can get back together without me being able to tell her how terrible she made me feel. I don't want to hurt her, but I really need to get it out. I myself am a very shy wolf. I shy away from fights usually and other conflicts. But that gets me hurt a lot. I care too much about people as well. MEH! Papaburr, what do I do?
Kiba Okami Hikari
* * *
It sounds as if your former girlfriend doesn’t really know what she wants. She tells you one thing, but then her behavior tells a completely different story. What she needs to do is to get her head together and decide what she really wants in a boyfriend. If I were you, I would not be anxious to get back together with someone like that. (Hence, your hesitation is most certainly justified).
Important: don’t let her dictate the terms of whether or not you get back together. She’s taking advantage of your shy nature to control the situation, but you are at least half of the equation and your needs are just as important as hers. It has to be a two-way street.
I can’t tell you, of course, whether or not you should love and care about someone. That’s up to you and your heart. But I can tell you that you should only get back together with her AFTER she has given you a clear answer as to what she wants from a boyfriend and after you make it clear to her what you want from a relationship, as well. You both need to agree on this before you get back together; or, in talking about it, you might find you want different things, and that will save you the time and emotional investment of diving back into a relationship that is going nowhere.
A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.