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Dear Papabear,
I hope I'm finding you well. I'm Vodka, and I'm 18 years old as of now and have been in the fandom for a few years already. I'm in a weird position: both in the fandom and outside. I'm seeking some advice from somebody much wiser than me. I'm an extrovert who, like other extroverts, likes partying, meeting new people, and being around the center of attention. I consider myself an interesting person. I have a good collection of nice and particular stories that people like to hear. For every taste, I have something. But the problem is I can't get myself to be alone and throw myself out there. I always need somebody to introduce me and start the conversation. Even online, I have issues. I fear being judged (even though I'm confident) and leaving a bad impression. One time I was at meetup at an anime/cosplay convention with a friend I met on Barq (I have issues only with groups). I knew I was going to struggle socially. So, to boost my social skills, I brought half a liter of Vodka to calm myself down. It did nothing. My brain overrode the ethanol somehow. This shows how much I struggled. Thankfully, the friend of my friend introduced us, and after that we started talking with other people. On the other hand, I managed to become a well-known member of my local MTB group of around 150 people by only joining the chat and riding with 2-3 people at a time (I got in because I met someone while riding). I even got assigned a nickname, "Mono Palla," which translates to "Single Ball." It has to do with my bike--not going to prolong on that. I really can't figure out what to do. I joined Discord servers and the Telegram group of the meetup, but I always feel like I dont belong since I'm a stranger and they all know each other. I don't know where to seriously start. I already have a few friends, but for one reason or another they can't get me into their group (it's for valid reasons, nothing to do with me as me). I feel like I'm walking in the darkness. I'm looking for any advice, anything that will help. Thank You, Vodka (age 18; Rome, Italy) * * * Salve, Amico Mio, Interesting letter that has a thread of contradiction (or irony?) in it. For example, you can't actually be self-confident if you are afraid of being judged by others. The confident person is assured in themself and doesn't, frankly, give a rat's ass about other people's approval. At least, that is what someone would initially believe, right? Yet, it IS possible to be a social extrovert AND have social anxiety or a lack of self-confidence. My beloved late first husband, Jim, is a perfect example of this. To anyone who didn't know him deeply, Jim was a huge extrovert. He spent most of his working career in television and radio. He was a news director for a TV station in Lansing, Michigan, as well as being an entertainment reporter, and he spent many years in radio and, the last few years while he was with me, he ran podcasts, first in Michigan and then here in SoCal. When he was with a group of people, Jim's big personality would fill the room. He had an infectious laugh and would always make people feel comfortable with him and important. Yet, inside, Jim was actually a scared little boy in many ways. He said he had Peter Pan Syndrome--never wanting to grow up, not really. There were times I saw him weep with anxiety. People like Jim, and, I think, you, often cover up their self-doubt, anxiety, and fear of the world with a coating of social extroversion (and often with humor, which is why many great comedians got that way because they used humor to cover up the anxiety they have had since childhood). You aren't actually comfortable with people; you pretend to be in an attempt to overcome your inner fears. You insert yourself into the groupies of the actual social butterflies, circling the centers of attention at parties, without ever becoming the center yourself. The danger of forcing yourself to be sociable is the potential for leaning on chemical help--booze or drugs--to give you the strength to continue the charade. This is why drinking vodka didn't help you: Booze just covers things up; it doesn't solve the problem. Worse, if you allow yourself to descend into addiction, you can ruin your life (please, I beg you, don't go down that path; just because the legal drinking age in Italy is 18 doesn't mean you should drink booze). What is the problem then? The problem is you do not believe in yourself, Vodka. This is far from uncommon in one so young as you, and the solution isn't to figure out how to join a social group. The path to build self-confidence has many facets. "How do I build self-confidence?" you might understandably query. As you might guess, that's not something that happens overnight but that can take years to achieve. There are several areas to focus on that will help:
We are all works in progress. Truly working on yourself is a self-improvement project, though. While socializing is an important skill and can be rewarding (we are a social species that needs to do this), it is not the tool we need to improve ourselves. That only comes from within. With work, you can come to believe in yourself, and when you have done that--when you no longer need approval from others because you approve of yourself--you will find that this makes you a very attractive person. There is, frankly, nothing more attractive than the person who is truly confident in who they are, and that is when you will find yourself easily accepted into social groups: when you do not need to be accepted; when it is a choice rather than a mandate. So, focus on the things you love such as anime, cosplay, mountain biking, and anything else you enjoy. Learn about the world, learn new skills, educate yourself, do volunteer work in your community. All these things will build confidence and make you more well-rounded and interesting. That's much more valuable than being the fellow who is popular at parties. Take Care! Papabear
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Dear Papabear,
After reading your letter from 2019 about learning from past mistakes, you wrote a very nice and reassuring method on how to learn from them and move on with life. (https://www.askpapabear.com/letters/how-to-grow-from-past-mistakes) In a similar sense to that letter, when I was a teen (16-17 years old) I was having trouble with handling my emotions. I didn’t fully comprehend the concept of “think before you post”. I had very rare moments where I’d let my anger get the best of me; which resulted in me writing some really messed up comments on anger-inducing things/topics that triggered me. However, when I realized the weight of what I commented, I immediately apologized to the poster(s), and deleted them, admitting it was messed up and way out of line. I was forgiven for it, got on good terms with them, and I have never acted out like that ever since. I learned from my psychology course at college that the brain is still in a developmental phase at those ages. I was smart enough to take accountability for my words and actions as a teen, despite that. The step in your letter that I often have trouble with is forgiving myself. My Asperger’s/ASD causes me to replay some moments in my head from years ago, most often when I don’t want them to. Sometimes my remembrance of them can make me get horrible anxiety attacks, making my regrets weight me down. It takes a toll on both my mental and physical health. I know I made up for my mistakes nearly a decade ago, and was forgiven for it, but that lingering regret prevents me from practicing self-forgiveness. How do you forgive yourself when your own mind and body won’t let you? Anonymous * * * Dear Furiend, I apologize for the slow reply. I've been sick with the flu this week. All righty, to business then! You clearly know all the basics, including the fact that you have already made amends, were forgiven (great!), recognized your error, have striven to not repeat that mistake, etc. Also, you know that your condition aggravates what, for others, would be problematic and troubling but not quite as difficult to overcome as it is for a person on the spectrum. I recommend we begin by understanding exactly why pretty much everyone, at one point in their lives or another, suffers from feelings of guilt they can't seem to shake even though the cause of said guilt has been addressed and even fixed. It is, you see, an evolutionary adaptation. We are all designed to remember mistakes and their consequences so that we can learn and move forward. Let me give you a primitive example: Say you were an early ancestor foraging in the woods and you found what looked like a delicious berry, so you eat it, but not long afterwards, you become sick and vomit. From that point on, you would remember that berry, what it smelled and tasted like, and what eating it did to you. Even though you learned your lesson not to ever eat it, that powerful memory of becoming ill will be with you for possibly your entire life. The guilt you feel is like the bellyache the apish ancestor experienced. Even though they will never eat that berry again, the memory is painful and makes them cringe whenever it is brought back to mind. Your guilt is a berry bellyache. You're just recalling the memory. You know that you have resolved the situation and that everything is now okay. So, here's what you do: The next time you get that feeling of guilt, pause for a little bit. Sit down somewhere and think about what you're feeling. Say to yourself, "Oh, yes, that cringey guilt is back, but it's not there because I'm still a bad person. It's just reminding me that when I get online and write something to be mindful of what I say to others!" Then, thank the cringey guilt berry ache for the reminder and put it aside to continue your day. That is, focus your attention on what you are doing in the present, note that the cringeberry tastes particularly sour to people on the spectrum but that just makes your reminder more pronounced and noticeable, and congratulate yourself for your success in doing better today. Focus on the present. When we recognize things for what they are rather than what we imagine them to be, they become much less threatening and troublesome. Bear Hugs, Papabear Papabear,
I found this site a few months ago and decided to write. After all, at worst nothing bad would happen, I guess. English is not my native language, so my English may not be perfect. The thing is, I'm autistic, and my family infantilizes me; they always have done so. For example, my father has talked to me in baby speak regardless of how offensive it was to me and no matter how much I expressed that... Until I exploded in rage when I was 13 years old. That was the one thing that made him stop; the only thing that worked. Even to this day, I see younger relatives having more freedoms, with them being younger than me because their parents simply allow it or at the very least don't put every effort in impeding it. They encourage them to have friends; they allow them to drive to do what they need; they allow them to... Well, basically have autonomy like any late teen or adult should have. However, every relative takes my family's side on the topic because, well... I' autistic, and in their minds, how is an autistic person independent in any way? I would love to make friends IRL--maybe even get a romantic partner--but every time they refused to allow me to interact with anyone outside school in my younger years on the basis of them believing that "they wanted to take advantage of me." And, of course, being young and naive, I believed them. And by the time I realized the idea of literally everyone wanting to use me was stupid, it was too late. Friend groups were already formed and solidified, and I already had the reputation as "the weird guy who never gets out of home." I have missed so many milestones simply because my family refused to allow me to have them on the basis of "being worried about me." I also have a driving license, but they do not allow me to drive because "they fear something will happen to me" and say that I need practice--practice that never comes beyond my taking them to places, but it's never enough to them. This has cost me many job opportunities, and to this day I'm unemployed because where I live there is no public transportation and no jobs. I have a lot of education, but it doesn't matter because they won't allow me to drive to any potential job I could get out of it. I still do free online courses that I'm able to get into because I can't just do nothing at all, but without being allowed to drive to any potential job it all feels worthless. To this day I have been able to get minimal amounts of freedom and autonomy but only by exploding in rage multiple times, screaming, insulting them, and saying how much they are an obstacle in my life and that despite what they say, every chance they get they prove that they see me as a useless and fragile being that will break as soon I'm out of their view. But that is ceasing to work. To clarify, I have never physically harmed them, despite the many times they have done so to me (my brother even wanted to burn my face one time when I was a child, but changed his mind because he wouldn't been able to escape any consequences from that; when I told my parents this, they did ... nothing, like every other time my brother harmed me). They don't physically hurt me anymore because now I'm able to defend myself if necessary, but I genuinely do not know how to deal with this anymore because an honest conversation about the topic has never worked. They only see me as my autism and nothing else. I have tried going to multiple psychologists, but they have all taken their side. In some cases, they decided that, above all else, I was the one who had to see their perspective and understand where they were coming from (I genuinely cannot conceive any possible perspective that justifies or makes understandable or even tolerable the idea of wanting to burn a child's face, and I am certain that I shouldn't in the first place). In other cases, they said I lied because, in their words, "Family doesn't do that," and they would not believe me when I say that, in fact, I do chores, I put effort in what I try to do, etc. To them, if whatever I said didn't support a false narrative of me being the problem, it was a lie. One psychiatrist in particular tried to convince me that my autism diagnosis is not real because (in their words) "I dont look autistic" in the first and only session I had with him. To be honest, jumping from psychologist to psychologist and bleeding money without getting anywhere doesn't seem a viable option anymore to me. The idea of "the right one" existing seems like a mere fantasy. I have online friends (including furries; I am one myself), but I also fear what they will do if they discover that. I don't know what to do anymore. Do you think there is something I can do to finally have control of my own life? With Regards, Brian (age 27, Spain) * * * Dear Brian, Thank you for reaching out. Your English is quite good, no worries. And you are clearly an intelligent and sensitive young man who, based on your story, is basically being imprisoned by his own family. To be clear, autism is not something that lowers your intelligence, so your father treating you like an infant is, indeed, insulting. I've known people with autism who have become doctors. You're not stupid. You are not violent. You are not a danger to yourself or others--at least, not from what I can see here. My difficulty is that I am in the USA, not Spain. Also, Spain is a large country with diverse regions, and I don't know where you are, exactly, that you don't have access to public transportation. Are you somewhere in the more sparsely populated Central part of Spain far from major cities like Madrid or Barcelona? Psychologists are not helping you because you are not mentally or emotionally disturbed. Your condition is formally called "Austism Spectrum Disorder"; however, I do not see autism as a disorder. You are not broken; you are different. How are you different? People with autism have synapses in the brain that are wired differently. I've seen studies in which scientists said there were more synapses connecting in the brain, and I've seen them where they say there are fewer synapse connections. (This just shows that more research is needed and that you can't draw conclusions from one study). But recent studies are also suggesting that autism is related to human evolution and is related to Homo sapiens' rapid development in cognitive--especially language--skills. In other words, autism might be a byproduct of improvements to the human genome. Anyway, that just means you are different; not necessarily better or worse. In this bear's humble opinion, the fact that we are seeing so many people with autism is a sign that Mother Nature is experimenting with human evolution again (she does that, you know), seeing what works and what doesn't. According to the form you submitted to Papabear, you are 27, which is more than old enough to get out on your own and live your life without your oppressive and unsupportive family preventing you from having a life. I would say that you would be wasting your energy trying to turn your family around and make them help rather than hinder you. To do this, you need a lifeline, people to whom you can connect for help. I'm a bit too far away for that, and also you are outside the USA, which means giving you contact information for an American organization would be fruitless. Therefore, I looked online for any organization in Spain that might help. The one I found is called Confederacion Autismo Espana at https://autismo.org.es/. I would suggest you check out this website and try to contact them, explain your situation, and see if they can provide you with leads to help. Now, as for the furry fandom, it can actually be helpful to you. Here is an entire article (ending in a video) about furries with autism, the challenges they face, and how being involved in the fandom can actually help you. Here is a documentary about furries with autism that might be of use to you. So, to summarize, my recommendation is to reach out to Confederacion Autismo Espana and to the furry community. Since your family is not helpful and psychologists have proven ineffective, it is time for you to find other avenues for assistance and support. I hope the above information will be helpful to you. Good Luck! Bear Hugs! Papabear Hey there, PapaBear,
First, I wanted to say thank you for answering my ambitious question earlier in the year. This will be a bit more serious. Just to warn you, I'll be venting and sharing my strange, probably incoherent, and impulsive feelings. I hope you don't mind. I'll talk to my therapist about this, too. All right, here it goes.... I have the feeling that the Fandom will fully disown me for everything I've done, including those I trust the most, too. I've been thrown under the bus so many times of my own accord through my own selfish, impulsive behaviors. I don't even know why I try anymore to be someone special in the Fandom. Sure, I may be autistic and have impulsive thoughts, but I think that facade has rotted way past the threshold. I don't think I'll ever be welcomed in the Fandom because of what I've done and who I associate with. Frankly, I haven't seen the need to keep trying to fit in when I know I'll just blow it up again. The thing is, this isn't really a new issue, either. I used to avoid the Fandom like it was something I shouldn't be doing or associating with, all because I didn't know any better about furries and what they actually do. Even after my admittance to the fandom, things were always rather rocky for one reason or another. I sometimes wish I had a better experience overall where I didn't have this backwards view of the fandom before and didn't have such a hard time trying to get myself around. Now I feel like I'll never get that experience because of all my sins catching up to me. I used to have fun being in the Fandom and, well, being myself, but ever since those incidents happened. I feel like those days are long gone. I don't know what I'm gonna do, and I feel like doing this will be used against me, but you never know. I don't even know what I'm trying to say anymore. I just want that feeling again, that feeling of security, acceptance, and engagement that I don't think I've been able to find anywhere else. I want to find a way to reconcile these sins, but do you and I really think it'd be a good idea? I guess a good way to explain my situation with the Fandom is through songs, the main one being Post Malone's "Circles." The lyrics resonate with me beyond the chill tune. Another one would probably be the one English translation of "Makenai ai ga Kitto Aru," as it talks about my sense of wanting to belong and be understood. (you might know it from Megaman, or somewhere else). I think that's all I have to say. This message is probably gonna be an emotional roller coaster to read, but I at least hope it'll be organized enough to be understandable. I apologize for any kind of confusion, or complications I may have caused. With (off the pill) regards, Riley. * * * Hi, Riley, What actually happened to you that caused this shift from feeling accepted to not feeling accepted? Was it something specific? Several things? Or just a general feeling? Hugs, Papabear * * * Hello there, PapaBear, thanks for the response! It's actually a combination of all three. I think this information might be used against me, so as to prevent drama I'll just say there have been several specific, but unrelated incidents that ultimately ruined my morale of being a part of the Fandom. They range from years ago to somewhat recently. Add that to the fact that my mind goes everywhere at certain times, it makes the general feeling of my guilt a very strong one. Now, there are a few reasons why I haven't reconnected and tried to reconcile yet. One is that I don't feel like enough time has passed, even if it was 2-3 years ago. Another is my general self-doubt and deprecation looking back at what I did. I don't know if they'll ever forgive me because I probably won't be able to forgive myself unless I really try. I usually just call off whatever thing I want to fix because I feel like we need more time. I also get that feeling--because of the fear--that everyone I know will find out and will ultimately disown me. "Seasons change and our love went cold, feed the flames cause we can't let go. Run away, but we're running in circles...." Is it irrational? I dunno, most likely, but that feeling remains. I guess on that note, if anyone I know is reading this and is shocked over what I've said, I don't blame you. I just wanted to get it out for a while, and I have nothing against anyone who's seen me as a great person. Overall, I think I just need to believe that I have the strength, because "in my heart I know there's love, unbeatable and strong like the heartbeat inside of me." I mean, what do you think? Are these feelings really irrational and won't get me anywhere? Or do you think there's little merit in them? I'll let you be the judge. With (on the pill) Regards, Riley. * * * Dear Riley, I believe I may have mentioned before that the furry fandom is not a homogenous, single body. Therefore, it is literally impossible to be rejected by the entire fandom. There are likely tens of thousands of furries or more who have never heard of you or whether or not you have done anything wrong. I mean, I, for one, have not, so I'm certain many others have not. That's Point #1, which then implies that there are plenty of furries out there you can come into contact with and make new friends. As for those who have rejected you for whatever reason, many of them do so for some pretty bad reasons, including: 1) gatekeeping, 2) feeling better about themselves for tearing other people down, and 3) not having any forgiveness in their hearts. All three reasons are terrible. You don't want to be friends with such furries anyway. True friends will forgive you when you ask for forgiveness. Next up: forgiving yourself. Literally nobody is perfect; literally everyone makes mistakes; literally anyone can do selfish, hurtful things without really meaning to. Usually, when people do things that are seen as bad, it is because people can be ignorant or stupid or simply socially awkward and lacking in confidence and self-respect. It's not because they are mean, necessarily. I've done some stupid things in my life, too. You're no different. Give yourself a break. But how does one forgive themself?
Most people are either unaware of their shadow self or they try to repress it. This is rather the basis of a lot of research in psychology (think especially Freudian psychology). But repressing or hiding the shadow self doesn't make it go away; instead, it will express itself in uncontrolled and often hurtful ways. To stop this from happening, the best way is to acknowledge the shadow by doing such things as journaling (write down your negative feelings and traits) and mindfulness. Here is a good article about the shadow self, the types of shadow self, and how to live with your shadow instead of avoiding it: Shadow Self: 13 Types & How to Embrace Your Dark Side ⋆ LonerWolf. Everyone makes mistakes and does bad things on occasion, Riley. The fact that you are concerned about this and want to do better clearly demonstrates you have a strong good side. (If you were truly a bad person, you wouldn't care one bit about hurting people.) At this time in your life, I would suggest you stop worrying about what people in the fandom think about you and focus on yourself. Once you find peace in your heart and acceptance of yourself, you can put yourself out there again and, trust me, people will notice the difference. People who are self-confident and at peace with themselves send out good vibes that have no need to be vocalized. People sense it and will have good feelings about being around you. You will be okay. Hugs, Papabear * * * Hello, PapaBear, I read and reread your response over, I think it's exactly what I needed to hear. I think it makes perfect sense for me to not worry too much about these old figures. Also, I didn't know that doing something as simple as journaling, or, well, trying to comprehend my Dark Side could do a lot to improve my mental health. I usually find resolve in that stuff through action, but I guess writing stuff down would be a better idea than doing stuff I might regret. I completely understand everything being said here. I really need to stop overthinking all of this stuff. It's a bad habit of my psyche, and being autistic usually tends to bring out these feelings a lot more. I just need to find a way to accept and control these things in a positive way. Now that I think about it, there are plenty of people in my life--online and in real life--that still care for me. It's very important to take a hold of these Precious Time, Glory Days and, well, keep holding on. Even if I feel like I'm buried six feet deep today, I gotta make sure my tomorrow won't be that way because I know I'll be okay.... Thank you, Papabear. I really do gotta appreciate the time you take reading emails like this. I hope that I'll come back to this message whenever I feel down about this. I hope that the next time I write you a letter it won't be under circumstances like this. With (Grateful) Regards, Riley. Papabear,
I am someone who has been dealing with mental health for years. Something I have discovered since last year is I'm still hurting from trauma, narcissistic parents, and unresolved feelings from thing I thought I resolved. Yes, I am currently seeking help in those areas for therapy, but I have to wait till I can see doctors. Writing has been my escape when I just want to be alone and deal with these feelings. I have been working on stories as of recent to tackle some of these things, as well as a VRChat shorts series being scripted. I set all this exposition up to ask this one major question: How do I just open the flood gates completely, face the demons, and battle them in writing and prose? Something in me is afraid to confront these demons, even when I truly think I am doing so. I know this is such a weird question, but it baffles me that I am ready to go to battle yet one foot is still on the porch telling me to stay where I am.... So, I guess, in my own way, I do while the demons sit there drinking lemonade with me like this is usual. I guess, too, I know the only way to battle these demons is to be able to talk freely and bluntly. Hence, my writing. I think part is the fear of others judging me. Again, I know this seems like a strange letter, but I deal with things by talking or writing, and I need to stop being so hesitant to confront things. Any advice helps. Thank you. Otto Otsky * * * Dear Otto, Writing is an outstanding way of dealing with one's emotions, so kudos to you that you are doing so to help cope with your struggles. There are two types of writing that are great for this: 1) journaling, and 2) fiction writing. Journaling should not be confused with writing a diary, although they do have some commonalities. Diary writing is basically keeping a record of your day-to-day experiences. Typically, you record events that happen to you, describe scenery perhaps, and you may also not your reactions and feelings about events. Diary writing is fairly structured, therefore. Journal writing includes traditional journaling, bullet journaling, and expressive writing, and it is much more free-form, stream-of-consciousness writing. Traditional journaling is the type we are most familiar with in which you discuss what has happened to you and talk about your reactions to these events. This serves as a terrific emotional outlet. Bullet journaling is, as you might imagine, more clipped. You put down things in short lists, abbreviated sentences, even incomplete thoughts. Just bam bam bam, a bunch of bullet points or even symbols and drawings expressing yourself in a kind of shorthand way. Expressive writing, however, is rather the opposite of bullet journaling. You write down events and feelings in much more detail and with much more self-reflection. Dr. James Pennebaker researched expressive writing in the 1980s, discovering that his patients who used this practice required fewer therapy sessions to achieve the same results as patients who did not journal. There are three types of expressive writing:
A mix of all three is probably the best strategy. It is rather like having a therapy session in which you also take on the role of therapist. Granted, it's not a complete substitution for having a therapist, but as Pennebaker found out, it helps tremendously. Fiction writing is also useful. Unlike journaling, which is more of a reaction to real-life events, with fiction writing you are in control of what happens and what the reactions to events are. Many great authors have confessed that their novels and short stories were their way of dealing with emotions of all sorts. Some of these notable names include Ernest Hemingway, Sylvia Plath, Franz Kafka, C. S. Lewis, Edgar Allan Poe, Mark Twain, Charles Dickens, Sinclair Lewis, Anne Sexton, Leo Tolstoy, and many more. These authors and others would take their own emotional and mental struggles and transfer them onto a fictional character, then write about how they would cope (or not cope) with their problems. By putting a protective mask between you, the author, and the fictional character, it makes the pain easier to deal with because the author feels less exposed to outside criticism (i.e., e.g., "It's not me dealing with schizophrenia or the death of my wife or the pain of extreme poverty or unrequited love, it's my character doing it). In a way, there are parallels here between what authors do and what furries do. Furries can become more themselves and more open about their emotions through their fursonas just as authors can do so through fictional characters. In addition to forming this protective barrier of judgment that allows you to more honestly express your feelings, story writing has the advantage of being able to control situations that, in real life, you cannot command. You get to create the situations to be overcome; you get to add helpers (minor characters) to aid in the main protagonist's quest; and you get to write a conclusion and have closure to the story. So, you see, you can take the material from real life that feels chaotic and beyond your control and impose an order upon it in order to make it manageable and more comprehensible. Pennebaker also wrote about this, saying that writing brings coherence to your emotional crisis as well as perspective. You write the plot, and, as narrator outside the story, you gain a new perspective upon it. (Quick dig at AI: Here is a great argument against AI writing stories. You don't benefit from writing something from the heart if a machine is doing all the work.) Your question does not strike me as weird at all. In fact, I congratulate you on discovering for yourself a great way of managing your mental distress. As for others judging you, well, first of all, just because you write a story doesn't mean you have to publish it. Second of all, this isn't about having an audience; this is about you. You know, if everyone worried about people judging them for every action they performed, nobody would do anything in this world and life would be a waste. Therefore, write your heart out. Write for yourself. And continue talking to other people. Bottling things up never helped anyone. And, once you let yourself go, you'll see that you are not different from anyone else. You'll see that many people have had experiences comparable to your own and have the same feelings you do. Sharing that with others is immensely therapeutic. Good job! Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I've been in the furry fandom for over a year, and I've been enjoying my time here. I've made so many friends and even met the love of my life. But there are times where I develop imposter syndrome. Like I feel like I don't deserve the friends and the awesome memories I made in the fandom. People tell me otherwise, but I feel like I genuinely have a hard time proving myself that I belong sometimes. Especially for the fact I don't own a fursuit or that I'm not an artist. Yet I still have people who love me, even outside the fandom too. I was wondering if this feeling is normal in the furry fandom and what are some good ways to remind myself that I do matter. Thank you. Sincerely, An anonymous Saint Bernard P.S. I love your fursona and fursuit so much. It's so awesome and adorable. Genuinely wanna give ya a hug. * * * Dear Saint Bernard, Thank you for your letter and the compliment :-3 First off, it must be emphasized that you do not need to have a fursuit to be an active and beloved member of the fandom; nor do you need to be an artist or a gamer or a writer or even have a fursona. The baseline here is simple: Do you love the anthro arts? This includes movies, TV shows, comic books, novels, furry RPGs, and so on. If you answered "yes," then you're a furry fan. The confusion is common. You see, there are really two types of furries: hobbyists and lifestylers. Hobbyists are those who enjoy the anthro arts but do not get into the self-identity side of it, which involves everything from having furriness engulf everything in your life (i.e., e.g. you have furry art and plushies and fursuit stuff all over your home (sometimes called being "furry trash"), furry stickers plaster your car, you often wear a tail or ears in public places, etc.) to actually feeling like you have an animal spirit or that your fursona is in some way really who you are (the far spectrum of this bleeds into the therian and otherkin communities). The hobbyist is much more caszh about the fandom. They like to go to cons or meets, sure, and they may have a fursona for playing games with their friends, but they fully identify as human and spend the majority of their time as such among their normie friends. I, personally (not that you asked), am somewhere in between. You can find furry art hanging in my office, I will be suiting for normie trick or treaters this week, and I do feel I have a spiritual connection to bears, but for the most part I seem pretty normie when I'm not at a furcon. Given the above, you are not an imposter. So, why do you feel like one? It might surprise you that the majority of young Americans (70% by one study) say that they have experienced imposter syndrome at least once in their lives. I have often experienced it too, and the result is usually my berating myself as insufficient in some way, and sometimes people misinterpret my anxiety to false modesty. For example, people sometimes compliment my intelligence, but then I say to myself I really am not that bright; I just have a bachelor's degree; I only speak one language fluently; I have never won an important award or grant or recognition yadda yadda. The result is that my negative feelings about myself are roadblocks to my moving ahead with my life at times. This kind of lack of self-esteem can usually be traced back to our childhoods, especially to those who had either very controlling or very protective and permissive parents. If you have been bullied or socially ostracized as a young person, this can certainly contribute to imposter syndrome when you later achieve great things in your life but a voice in the back of your head keeps telling you that you don't deserve it. My furiend, everyone deserves friendships and respect and love and happiness. And when it comes to the furry family, well, you have landed in a community to which many people who feel like social outcasts are drawn. I think you will (or have already) found people much like yourself who are shy, lack self-confidence or self-esteem, or just feel attracted to the fandom and are blown away by some of the popular furries in it and don't feel like they themselves measure up. Again, I do this too. When I first started getting active in the fandom around 15 years ago, and I saw some awesome artists and writers and musicians and fursuiters (and community leaders like Uncle Kage), I was like, "Okay ... um.... I'll just sit in the corner here and watch and not try to annoy anyone." But the more people I interacted with and the more friends I made, the more I felt like everything was cool here and I began to relax and really enjoy the community. To sum up: 1) no fursuit or artistic skills needed; 2) yes, it is quite normal at first, especially, to feel like you are an imposter; 3) with time, that feeling will ease as you make friends, find your crew, and have more fun being furry. Some techniques to assuage your feelings? 1) don't compare yourself to other furries; there will always be furries who seem more accomplished or whatever; who cares, just do you; 2) try to catch yourself when you say things that put yourself down; when you feel yourself saying things like "I'm not good enough to ... " just stop, pause, and replace that thought with something positive about yourself (e.g., I'm a good friend; I am good company to hang out with; I'm a giving person; I am helpful, etc.); 3) socialize socialize socialize, and by this I mean talk about your feelings with others (you'll find you share much in common) and be supportive of them; find people to lean on and let them lean right back on you; 4) and a great way to feel you contribute is by volunteering at a furcon or getting involved in some furcon charity activity such as the ALS Foundation fundraiser in which many furries have become involved (I can get you in touch with people if this interests you). I'd also like to share a very excellent article from VeryWellMind that talks all about this stuff in detail. It's like a 5-minute read. And don't worry! You're doing great! You've already found a support network, and I know that the more you get involved with furries the more comfortable you will become in the community. Don't forget to have fun! That's what it's supposed to be all about!!! Big Bear Hugs, Papabear Papapbear,
Why am I bullied and BARKED at by everybody else in 5th grade? When I walk in the halls, why does everyone glare at me and gossip behind my back? Why am I always last to be picked for gym class for a team? Why do I feel useless and incapable because people say so? Why do I feel so weak when I cant say "stop it" to their faces? Am I in the wrong? Sawyer (age 11) * * * Dear Sawyer, If you are experiencing serious bullying at school, you need to inform the school administration and, if you haven't already, your parents. They need to put a stop to it. Here is a useful resource page from KidPower that you and your parents should read about the problem. But that is mostly about what to do if you are bullied. The answer to the question "Why am I being bullied?" probably has something to do with your being a furry (I'm guessing this because you are being barked at). In a world where it has definitely become uncool for kids to bully others because of things like their race or being LGBTQ (although it, of course, still happens), furries are one of the last groups of people that our culture seems to feel is okay to torment for being different. All kinds of stupid rumors are being spread (mostly by conservatives trying to make a non-issue a political issue for their campaigns of hate) against furries these days such as the idea that furries demand cat litter boxes in school bathrooms (not true) or that they growl at and bite kids in the hallways. Humans hate people who are different--and furries are definitely different. It's ingrained in their DNA. So, when they are not allowed to hate black people or Jewish people or even gay people, they will continue to look for someone to hate for no reason other than they are different. Lucky for the haters, there are furries! We are people they don't understand at all, and what humans don't understand, they fear, and what they fear, they hate. So, that is why you are being bullied. What do you do about it? In addition to reading the link I sent, what you need is to beef up your self-confidence, your self-esteem, and, while you're at it, your courage and physical strength. People (especially school kids) prey on the weak. So, don't be weak (easier said than done, I know, but you can do it). I suggest you take up martial arts or boxing or wrestling. Learn to defend yourself. Kids are less likely to mock you if you're capable of giving them a roundhouse kick to the face. That's not to say you should beat people up. No. Violence should only be a last resort when you have to defend yourself from harm. But if people KNOW you can kick their ass, they are less likely to mock you. I would hope you would never have to use such skills, but that doesn't mean they are a waste to learn. Martial arts are a great way to improve your health and flexibility, which is pawsome for you in any circumstance. In addition to this, you need to build your confidence. Being good at self-defense does this, truly, but there are other ways. Here are some tips:
I hope this little pep talk has helped. Always remember: This is YOUR life. As long as you are not hurting anyone, do what you wish. You're only 11 and have a lot to explore. This is an incredible, complex, bizarre, frustrating, joyful world, and it is yours to live in. It's for you to grab the reins and go for a ride. You own this horse, kid, so enjoy it. Bear Hugs, Papabear Dear Moon,
Thanks for your letter. Let me start right away by saying that there is no law demanding you have a hobby. Plenty of people are perfectly happy just working and spending time with family. That said, it DOES sound like you are interested in learning about the world as you watch PBS and the Discovery Channel. You could broaden that inquisitiveness for very little money by reading books. If you have a nearby library, even better because you can borrow books for free. I've heard said that reading is a very nice hobby that exercises the brain. Speaking of exercise, I suggest you get a bicycle. You don't need a licens to ride a bike, and not only will you get exercise but you can also get around to a lot of places miles away very nicely on a bike. This can help solve the #2 problem. As for #1, you don't need parents with "deep pockets" to have hobbies. Plenty of things are free. You live in Idaho, which is a beautiful state. You could go on nature hikes and--Mr. Inquisitive Mind--learn about local animals and plants. That's a free hobby! You don't say whether you are religious, but you could also volunteer at your church. If you're not into that, look for a local place to volunteer. Perhaps an animal shelter or food bank. Giving of your time to others is a very fulfilling hobby and will give you a sense of purpose. So, that's 1 and 2. As for #3, I'm betting that your "social activity" has been limited to online and maybe school. The key thing about social skills is it's hard to get them without live, in-person social interactions. You might feel awkward at first, but, given time, you will gradually, inevitably improve. Humans are naturally social animals (although if you have autism--you don't say--this can be a challenge, but it's possible even with people who are on the spectrum; I have seen people with ASD improve a lot with time and patience. Being a furry can help you there too. You might try a group like the East Idaho Furries (https://www.facebook.com/groups/EastIdahoFurries/). Number 4: You are pretty correct about that. Yes, the internet is increasingly becoming a cesspool of drama, politics, and hate. This is why I strong suggest trying to interact with people in the real world. Actually, I encourage you to help out at your father's store. Why? Because you'll be interacting with customers, which can be a very valuable experience in social interaction! There ARE some safe spaces for interacting online. For example, you might try out the furry app Barq, which also helps you locate local furries. Furry Aminos are also pretty good, in my experience. Social sites on Facebook, Discord, etc. are hit and miss. It all depends on the admins; some are good at moderating groups, some are not. Keep trying, though. Many of my current friends are people I met online. In fact, my late husband, Jim, was one of them. Number 5: Oh, my, you're talking to the right bear LOL. I'm lazy, too. I really have to push myself to get stuff done and not just lie on the couch watching movies. But I do. (I think you meant you have an "intrinsic LACK of motivation," no?) So, you already know the solution: find something to get excited about. For example, for this bear it is writing this column. It gives me a sense of purpose as I write at my desk on a Sunday morning instead of watching YouTube videos. Don't get a hobby because you feel people expect you to get a hobby. Wrong reason. Don't look at things as vocations or avocations. Instead, look at your life as an experience. All our lives are very short and precious, and in the few decades (if we're lucky) that we are given, it is our privilege and blessing to experience this amazing planet and universe and people. I'm hopeful for you because you sound like you have an inquisitive mind. You're not watching The Kardashians; you're watching The Discovery Channel. Thank the gods for that! Don't put pressure on yourself. Don't feel like "I have to do this or that" (despite the suggestions I wrote above; you don't have to listen to me). Instead, experience things as broadly and voraciously as possible. Of all the things you watch on TV, surely SOMETHING interests you or else you wouldn't be watching informative programming. Perhaps astronomy interests you or physics or archeology or paleontology or meteorology or any of a bunch of ologies. Find one or two or more of these things that excite you, and start reading about them. Find others who are interested in the same things and sign up for groups that are into that topic. Believe me, if you find a group that is, say, into astronomy and telescopes, they are much more likely to talk about those things than politics. Same with photography or art or animals etc. etc. etc. Be of good cheer, Moon. You're only 15. Your life is just beginning, and you have LOTS of time to discover the world and to discover yourself. Just remember: Don't live your life to satisfy other people's expectations of you. This is YOUR life. Don't apologize for it, just experience it and challenge yourself. You'll be fine. Bear Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I am in my mid-twenties. How can I gain confidence? I doubt myself a lot and always fear the worst like failing. That I'll fail everything that I'll do. I've been noticing that I have ADHD-like symptoms for 4 years. I don't even have a driver's license. Fearing that the worst will happen due to these symptoms, it makes other things hard too. Many people have told me to believe in myself. What can I do? Francesca * * * Dear Francesca, "Believe in yourself" is easier to say than to do. It's a cop-out phrase used by friends and family who don't know how to help you. Well-intentioned, but useless. So, okay, you should believe in yourself, of course, but you can't just snap your fingers and, to quote Captain Picard, make it so. How to proceed? There are several factors involved that cause us to doubt ourselves:
The first thing you need to do is rid yourself of the burden of meeting other people's expectations of what is "success" and what is "failure." If you think that "success" is making lots of money and having lots of material possessions, for example, then you can often feel like a failure if you don't make money and buy expensive things. But, if you feel that "success" is being a kind, giving, and GOOD person who pursues their own dreams, you might find yourself becoming a success very quickly. Next point: Don't avoid failure, embrace it. EVERYONE fails at least some of the time. I have experienced many failures myself. Hey, even people like Albert Einstein, Walt Disney, and Bill Gates have experienced failures. Failures are not as bad as they sound because they are learning experiences. For example, one time I tried to apply to a university's creative writing program. I submitted fiction samples to them and was roundly rejected. Reexamining what I sent, I realized that my writing was pretentious crap. I learned from that and am a much better writer now. Another example: my novel (only wrote one so far) was rejected 100 times before a publisher accepted it. (Oh, and in the process, I discovered I am a very good nonfiction writer). Just keep trying. Hey, Margaret Mitchell's Gone with the Wind was rejected 40 times. Stephen King's early work was rejected hundreds of times before he published Carrie. Failure is a learning experience. Do not fear it. Expect it and learn from it. Same with rejection. You WILL experience rejection many times before you find acceptance. Once you get rid of the fears of failure and rejection, you can move forward. You do that by substituting expectation for anticipation. Anticipation is much more anxiety-inducing than expectation. In summary, to build self-confidence you must:
I hope that helps. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
Hey, there. My name is William and I had been lying about my age on my Twitter for about a couple of months. I came clean to my online friends who were 18+ artists just yesterday. A big reason I lied was due to how the fandom treats minors who are just trying to enjoy themselves. But I still felt icky and guilty doing it. I told it publicly. Some were hoping to see me when I was 18, but I hurt one of my biggest friends and supporters, and I don't know if I could come back after 4 years knowing what I have done to my most loyal followers. Do you have any advice? William Blur * * * Dear William, To be frank, you have a lot of damage control in store for you. As you know, you violated people's trust, and it sounds like you did so for months (or years?) That ain't good. There are several steps you need to take in order to try to repair this and move forward. Oh, and don't expect this to go quickly. You lied for a long time, and now it will take a long time to get back what you've lost. 1. Confess your lie not just once but two or more times--publicly. 2. Apologize profusely for what you did. 3. Explain why you did it, honestly, but also do not say that this is an excuse for lying. 4. Invite those you lied to to tell you how they feel about what you have done and read (or listen to) every word they say. Don't interrupt. Listen. Don't argue. 5. Make a promise and commitment to yourself and others that you will never ever repeat this mistake or lie again in any other way. 6. Do NOT indulge in creating a new fursona or other identity and then try to pretend you are not the same person because that is yet another lie, and, as a lie, it will eventually be discovered, and THEN you will have NO HOPE of recovering any legitimacy to your good character ever again. I've seen furries try to do this, and what happens is they end up on furry beware lists and become anathema to the community. 7. Learn from the comments you hear. Really listen to how you have affected others. Use this as an opportunity to grow as a person. 8. This step takes the longest: spend the next months and years being an honest furry, one whose word is as good as gold. You must rebuild your reputation not just with words but with actions. Be very patient because, as I said, it will take a loooooong time, but, eventually, people will begin to trust you again with enough evidence provided by you of your good character. 9. Accept that, no matter what you do, you will lose at least some of your friends. Not everyone will forgive you no matter what you do. 10. Finally, learn to forgive yourself. What you did does not necessarily mean you are a bad person, just that you have flaws. We all have flaws. The good news is that if we allow ourselves to acknowledge these flaws, we CAN change. I do not believe in the old saw that people don't change. They do; they can, if they are willing to put in the effort. The good news? You're young. You have time to recover from this. Good luck! Papabear |
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An excellent article on coming out LGBT to Christian parents.
A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.
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