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Papapbear,
Why am I bullied and BARKED at by everybody else in 5th grade? When I walk in the halls, why does everyone glare at me and gossip behind my back? Why am I always last to be picked for gym class for a team? Why do I feel useless and incapable because people say so? Why do I feel so weak when I cant say "stop it" to their faces? Am I in the wrong? Sawyer (age 11) * * * Dear Sawyer, If you are experiencing serious bullying at school, you need to inform the school administration and, if you haven't already, your parents. They need to put a stop to it. Here is a useful resource page from KidPower that you and your parents should read about the problem. But that is mostly about what to do if you are bullied. The answer to the question "Why am I being bullied?" probably has something to do with your being a furry (I'm guessing this because you are being barked at). In a world where it has definitely become uncool for kids to bully others because of things like their race or being LGBTQ (although it, of course, still happens), furries are one of the last groups of people that our culture seems to feel is okay to torment for being different. All kinds of stupid rumors are being spread (mostly by conservatives trying to make a non-issue a political issue for their campaigns of hate) against furries these days such as the idea that furries demand cat litter boxes in school bathrooms (not true) or that they growl at and bite kids in the hallways. Humans hate people who are different--and furries are definitely different. It's ingrained in their DNA. So, when they are not allowed to hate black people or Jewish people or even gay people, they will continue to look for someone to hate for no reason other than they are different. Lucky for the haters, there are furries! We are people they don't understand at all, and what humans don't understand, they fear, and what they fear, they hate. So, that is why you are being bullied. What do you do about it? In addition to reading the link I sent, what you need is to beef up your self-confidence, your self-esteem, and, while you're at it, your courage and physical strength. People (especially school kids) prey on the weak. So, don't be weak (easier said than done, I know, but you can do it). I suggest you take up martial arts or boxing or wrestling. Learn to defend yourself. Kids are less likely to mock you if you're capable of giving them a roundhouse kick to the face. That's not to say you should beat people up. No. Violence should only be a last resort when you have to defend yourself from harm. But if people KNOW you can kick their ass, they are less likely to mock you. I would hope you would never have to use such skills, but that doesn't mean they are a waste to learn. Martial arts are a great way to improve your health and flexibility, which is pawsome for you in any circumstance. In addition to this, you need to build your confidence. Being good at self-defense does this, truly, but there are other ways. Here are some tips:
I hope this little pep talk has helped. Always remember: This is YOUR life. As long as you are not hurting anyone, do what you wish. You're only 11 and have a lot to explore. This is an incredible, complex, bizarre, frustrating, joyful world, and it is yours to live in. It's for you to grab the reins and go for a ride. You own this horse, kid, so enjoy it. Bear Hugs, Papabear
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Dear Moon,
Thanks for your letter. Let me start right away by saying that there is no law demanding you have a hobby. Plenty of people are perfectly happy just working and spending time with family. That said, it DOES sound like you are interested in learning about the world as you watch PBS and the Discovery Channel. You could broaden that inquisitiveness for very little money by reading books. If you have a nearby library, even better because you can borrow books for free. I've heard said that reading is a very nice hobby that exercises the brain. Speaking of exercise, I suggest you get a bicycle. You don't need a licens to ride a bike, and not only will you get exercise but you can also get around to a lot of places miles away very nicely on a bike. This can help solve the #2 problem. As for #1, you don't need parents with "deep pockets" to have hobbies. Plenty of things are free. You live in Idaho, which is a beautiful state. You could go on nature hikes and--Mr. Inquisitive Mind--learn about local animals and plants. That's a free hobby! You don't say whether you are religious, but you could also volunteer at your church. If you're not into that, look for a local place to volunteer. Perhaps an animal shelter or food bank. Giving of your time to others is a very fulfilling hobby and will give you a sense of purpose. So, that's 1 and 2. As for #3, I'm betting that your "social activity" has been limited to online and maybe school. The key thing about social skills is it's hard to get them without live, in-person social interactions. You might feel awkward at first, but, given time, you will gradually, inevitably improve. Humans are naturally social animals (although if you have autism--you don't say--this can be a challenge, but it's possible even with people who are on the spectrum; I have seen people with ASD improve a lot with time and patience. Being a furry can help you there too. You might try a group like the East Idaho Furries (https://www.facebook.com/groups/EastIdahoFurries/). Number 4: You are pretty correct about that. Yes, the internet is increasingly becoming a cesspool of drama, politics, and hate. This is why I strong suggest trying to interact with people in the real world. Actually, I encourage you to help out at your father's store. Why? Because you'll be interacting with customers, which can be a very valuable experience in social interaction! There ARE some safe spaces for interacting online. For example, you might try out the furry app Barq, which also helps you locate local furries. Furry Aminos are also pretty good, in my experience. Social sites on Facebook, Discord, etc. are hit and miss. It all depends on the admins; some are good at moderating groups, some are not. Keep trying, though. Many of my current friends are people I met online. In fact, my late husband, Jim, was one of them. Number 5: Oh, my, you're talking to the right bear LOL. I'm lazy, too. I really have to push myself to get stuff done and not just lie on the couch watching movies. But I do. (I think you meant you have an "intrinsic LACK of motivation," no?) So, you already know the solution: find something to get excited about. For example, for this bear it is writing this column. It gives me a sense of purpose as I write at my desk on a Sunday morning instead of watching YouTube videos. Don't get a hobby because you feel people expect you to get a hobby. Wrong reason. Don't look at things as vocations or avocations. Instead, look at your life as an experience. All our lives are very short and precious, and in the few decades (if we're lucky) that we are given, it is our privilege and blessing to experience this amazing planet and universe and people. I'm hopeful for you because you sound like you have an inquisitive mind. You're not watching The Kardashians; you're watching The Discovery Channel. Thank the gods for that! Don't put pressure on yourself. Don't feel like "I have to do this or that" (despite the suggestions I wrote above; you don't have to listen to me). Instead, experience things as broadly and voraciously as possible. Of all the things you watch on TV, surely SOMETHING interests you or else you wouldn't be watching informative programming. Perhaps astronomy interests you or physics or archeology or paleontology or meteorology or any of a bunch of ologies. Find one or two or more of these things that excite you, and start reading about them. Find others who are interested in the same things and sign up for groups that are into that topic. Believe me, if you find a group that is, say, into astronomy and telescopes, they are much more likely to talk about those things than politics. Same with photography or art or animals etc. etc. etc. Be of good cheer, Moon. You're only 15. Your life is just beginning, and you have LOTS of time to discover the world and to discover yourself. Just remember: Don't live your life to satisfy other people's expectations of you. This is YOUR life. Don't apologize for it, just experience it and challenge yourself. You'll be fine. Bear Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I am in my mid-twenties. How can I gain confidence? I doubt myself a lot and always fear the worst like failing. That I'll fail everything that I'll do. I've been noticing that I have ADHD-like symptoms for 4 years. I don't even have a driver's license. Fearing that the worst will happen due to these symptoms, it makes other things hard too. Many people have told me to believe in myself. What can I do? Francesca * * * Dear Francesca, "Believe in yourself" is easier to say than to do. It's a cop-out phrase used by friends and family who don't know how to help you. Well-intentioned, but useless. So, okay, you should believe in yourself, of course, but you can't just snap your fingers and, to quote Captain Picard, make it so. How to proceed? There are several factors involved that cause us to doubt ourselves:
The first thing you need to do is rid yourself of the burden of meeting other people's expectations of what is "success" and what is "failure." If you think that "success" is making lots of money and having lots of material possessions, for example, then you can often feel like a failure if you don't make money and buy expensive things. But, if you feel that "success" is being a kind, giving, and GOOD person who pursues their own dreams, you might find yourself becoming a success very quickly. Next point: Don't avoid failure, embrace it. EVERYONE fails at least some of the time. I have experienced many failures myself. Hey, even people like Albert Einstein, Walt Disney, and Bill Gates have experienced failures. Failures are not as bad as they sound because they are learning experiences. For example, one time I tried to apply to a university's creative writing program. I submitted fiction samples to them and was roundly rejected. Reexamining what I sent, I realized that my writing was pretentious crap. I learned from that and am a much better writer now. Another example: my novel (only wrote one so far) was rejected 100 times before a publisher accepted it. (Oh, and in the process, I discovered I am a very good nonfiction writer). Just keep trying. Hey, Margaret Mitchell's Gone with the Wind was rejected 40 times. Stephen King's early work was rejected hundreds of times before he published Carrie. Failure is a learning experience. Do not fear it. Expect it and learn from it. Same with rejection. You WILL experience rejection many times before you find acceptance. Once you get rid of the fears of failure and rejection, you can move forward. You do that by substituting expectation for anticipation. Anticipation is much more anxiety-inducing than expectation. In summary, to build self-confidence you must:
I hope that helps. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
Hey, there. My name is William and I had been lying about my age on my Twitter for about a couple of months. I came clean to my online friends who were 18+ artists just yesterday. A big reason I lied was due to how the fandom treats minors who are just trying to enjoy themselves. But I still felt icky and guilty doing it. I told it publicly. Some were hoping to see me when I was 18, but I hurt one of my biggest friends and supporters, and I don't know if I could come back after 4 years knowing what I have done to my most loyal followers. Do you have any advice? William Blur * * * Dear William, To be frank, you have a lot of damage control in store for you. As you know, you violated people's trust, and it sounds like you did so for months (or years?) That ain't good. There are several steps you need to take in order to try to repair this and move forward. Oh, and don't expect this to go quickly. You lied for a long time, and now it will take a long time to get back what you've lost. 1. Confess your lie not just once but two or more times--publicly. 2. Apologize profusely for what you did. 3. Explain why you did it, honestly, but also do not say that this is an excuse for lying. 4. Invite those you lied to to tell you how they feel about what you have done and read (or listen to) every word they say. Don't interrupt. Listen. Don't argue. 5. Make a promise and commitment to yourself and others that you will never ever repeat this mistake or lie again in any other way. 6. Do NOT indulge in creating a new fursona or other identity and then try to pretend you are not the same person because that is yet another lie, and, as a lie, it will eventually be discovered, and THEN you will have NO HOPE of recovering any legitimacy to your good character ever again. I've seen furries try to do this, and what happens is they end up on furry beware lists and become anathema to the community. 7. Learn from the comments you hear. Really listen to how you have affected others. Use this as an opportunity to grow as a person. 8. This step takes the longest: spend the next months and years being an honest furry, one whose word is as good as gold. You must rebuild your reputation not just with words but with actions. Be very patient because, as I said, it will take a loooooong time, but, eventually, people will begin to trust you again with enough evidence provided by you of your good character. 9. Accept that, no matter what you do, you will lose at least some of your friends. Not everyone will forgive you no matter what you do. 10. Finally, learn to forgive yourself. What you did does not necessarily mean you are a bad person, just that you have flaws. We all have flaws. The good news is that if we allow ourselves to acknowledge these flaws, we CAN change. I do not believe in the old saw that people don't change. They do; they can, if they are willing to put in the effort. The good news? You're young. You have time to recover from this. Good luck! Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
I keep thinking that everything I do isn’t good enough, whether it’s creating artwork or music, writing code or stories, or just generally doing anything that requires imagination. I get frustrated, angry, and tend to ragequit when my imagination just abandons ship as soon as i try to use it to do anything creative, usually resulting in either nothing or an unfinished product. This generally leads to me thinking about how I’m not good enough, among other self-criticism. My question is this: How do I improve my imagination so that I can think that I’m worth more as a person? Becquerel (aged 14) * * * Dear Becquerel, Unless you have aphantasia, a rare condition in which a person literally cannot picture things in their mind, then you have an imagination. But even if it were true that you have no creative imagination, you do not need to have one to be a worthwhile person, nor do you need to do anything artistic to live a fulfilling life. Many people contribute to society in other ways besides the arts. So, even if you don't have any talent in art, music, or literature (and I can't say whether or not this might be the case, having never read or seen anything you have created), it doesn't mean you do not have value. That said, artists are always their own worst critics. Writers hate their writing, often throwing out their compositions. Artists burn their paintings. Musicians have tantrums and quit composing. It's all because they judge themselves too harshly. Sometimes it helps to hear other voices to give you feedback. I don't mean family or friends because if they say nice things you'll just think, "Well, they're being nice because they are family/friends." I mean joining an art group or writing group. If you're a musician looking for support, you can try some of the musician groups on Facebook listed here, or, if you want to get some fandom support, you might try Fuzznet, a furry music and support collective. If you're an artist, there are a lot of online groups you can join to chat and ask for feedback from other artists (an example would be FurReal at on Facebook), or just build a network of artist friends to chat with and talk about your progress. And same goes for writers groups, too, of course. Just do a little searching online and you will find lots of writing groups, both furry and not. So, now that I have hopefully dismantled (or at least put a dent in) your notions that you A) have no imagination and B) are only a worthwhile person if you do, here are some tips on improving your creativity:
All of these things have something in common: turning off your inner critic. By allowing ideas to flow unhindered, you break down the damn that is holding back an entire reservoir of creativity. Hope this helps. Good luck! Papabear Hi Papabear,
When I found your ad and checked your website I felt this strange comforting feeling just imagining a kind old bear (no offense if you aren't actually old) giving out advice to those who ask. That's why I'm writing this letter despite not knowing what to ask about. Well, it's more like I have so many things I could ask about that I don't know which! I guess I could ask about how to deal with failure or the lack of success. Sometimes I'll try new things or put all my effort into trying to achieve something and I just can't. I've heard plenty of people say that if you never quit and work hard you can achieve anything. It's hard to believe when the fruits of your labor show little to no results. So how do I keep myself from being disheartened? * * * Dear Olwain, Depending on your definition of "old," I'm 55, so I guess that if I'm not already there, I am getting close. I am currently working on my dissertation for my Ph.D. in Grumpy Old Bear. Soon, I will have to defend my paper in front of a committee of old codgers to get their approval to join their ranks. Wish me luck. As for your goals and achievements, you are still young and growing as a person. Now is the time for you to explore your options and interests. Failures and dead-ends will be the norm, not the exception. Don't put so much pressure on yourself to succeed right out of the gate. You should do what you're doing right now: try a lot of different things and see what clicks with you. Meanwhile, remember that everything you "fail" at, or, at least, don't get "measurable success" at is a learning experience. After you have an experience where you fail to achieve something or a project goes awry, take a step back and evaluate what happened, what you did wrong (and also anything you did right but just didn't pay off), and how you might fix it in the future. The important thing is to find something you love to do, and then, whether or not you "succeed" at it is a matter of your point of view. Say your big dream is to be an artist, but you never end up making much money at it, so you find "regular" work and paint or draw on the side. If you love your art, and you love doing it, then you are still a success. Would you call Van Gogh a failure as an artist? He never sold a single painting when he was alive, but he loved painting. He was a success. If you are an artist but people say your art is bad even though you have tried and tried, but you love doing it, then you are a success because you have found something that makes you happy. Heck, take this column. I don't make any money at it. It doesn't win any prizes. But I love doing it, so it is a success to me. Another even more profound example for me is my late husband, Jim. Toward the end of his career, he was laid off as a news director and spent his last years with me trying to succeed as an entertainment podcaster. You know what happened? He never made a dime, but he adored what he was doing. He loved recording interviews and editing soundtracks until the day he died. And he was loved. Oh, how he was loved! Now, THAT was a successful life. Living life is not about achievement or money or recognition or fame. It's about being alive and experiencing life. Hey, that reminds me, that's kind of the message of Disney's recent movie Soul, which is about a piano teacher who wants to make it big but dies before doing so. He learns the very lesson I'm telling you right now: LIVE. This life is for you. Take time to enjoy the sensations, the friendships, the fun of it all, and stop worrying about being a success. If things happen for you and you become rich and famous, then great; if they don't but you had a nice ride, that's just as great. Step back and ask yourself this: "What am I trying to achieve?" If it is fame or fortune, then reevaluate what you are doing. It isn't about "success" as defined by our capitalistic society. It's about loving life and finding something you love to do. I hope that helps. Big Bear Hugs, Papabear Hey, Papa,
It’s me again; hope you’re doing well. As of now I am a senior in high school, and after I graduate I’m moving from New Jersey to North Carolina for college. Now I do love NC. In fact I’m here right now as school is remote and I can still attend online. My parents are retiring in a beautiful home at St. James Plantation and have made many friends there which I get on with. I love the little town of Southport that’s nearby, and the cute little beaches and local restaurants and stores all about. I’m also quite looking forward to college, as I’ve visited several campuses already, and though I know I may still be virtual, I’m excited for the opportunity to grow and learn more about myself. My boyfriend is even going to be moving down here from Illinois too, and although we’ll still be a few hours away, it’s better than being states apart. All things considered, things are going good for the most part. However, I can’t shake that feeling of sadness when I think of living here. I’ve lived in New Jersey all my life. It’s where I spent my childhood years and has shaped me so far as the person I am now. I love the pretty forests and rolling hills, I love the winding roads through the countryside, I love how the towns have such a rustic, nostalgic feel, and the comfort I experience from knowing them so well. I love the friends and memories I’ve made there, and I’m glad I had the childhood I did. I know I’m going to have to leave a lot of that and more behind, and I’m not sure how to cope with it. I’m not deeply depressed mind you, but the last time I moved was when I was 9, and it was only 45 minutes away. With how long you’ve been around, I think it’s safe to assumed you’ve moved at least a few times, as I know it’s a common experience. What should I do to help accept and (try to) heal these emotions? Galaxy (age 17) * * * Dear Galaxy, Nice to hear from you again and thanks for the update. To answer your question, what you are experiencing is simply nostalgia for the past. Yes, I have moved a LOT. I was born in Boston and have moved nine times, living in Illinois, Ohio, Michigan, and California. So, I know something about moving. The bad thing about moving a lot is that you never have a town or city you really feel is your home town. If someone asks me my home town, I say where I am now, and if they say, "No, where did you grow up?" I say "all over" because no place feels like home to me. My first word of advice: Count yourself lucky that you grew up in a very stable environment, and the result is you will always feel like New Jersey is your true home. That's nice. That's really really nice. As you get a bit older, you will appreciate that more. And that treasure trove of memories of the two homes you lived in, your family, friends, schools, that is always a part of you, and that is beautiful because it sounds like you had a very good childhood (message to Galaxy's parents: Good job, you two!). Now you are in North Carolina, and it appears you like that, which is super duper! You have a whole world to explore, new friends to meet, new experiences to take in, new things to learn. The thing about growing older is you have two choices in this regard: you can stay in your little home town all your life, grow old and die there; or you can go out into the world and have new experiences and meet new people, which will open your eyes a lot to different points of view and make you smarter, to boot. There is nothing wrong about being a homey all your life, but it has the very real danger of making one too colloquial and too set in their ways. My mother used to tell a story about her first time in Abilene, Texas, to meet my father's family. Now, my mom had already traveled quite a bit at this point, including Europe. She asked a few of the Abilene residents if they had traveled, too, and they replied invariably, "Why travel when we have everything we need here?" Well, sure, you have food and home and church and friends all there, but you don't know anything about people who are different from you, and that can make you very narrow-minded and inflexible to change, and this is not healthy. (And no, watching TV is not just as good as traveling). Do you know what stays in one place all its life? A vegetable. Animals move. Be an animal. Cherish your past memories; stay in touch with the friends you can (most people lose touch, but that is up to you and them; you still have the memories); remember the lessons learned and use them as information that can help you with the new challenges you face today. Someday, you will leave North Carolina (but probably come back to see your parents) to get a job or marry or just explore, and then you can look back at North Carolina and your college days and appreciate and learn from them as well. The solution to your problem is attitude. Do not look at your yearning for Jersey as something that has to be healed or accept. No. The fact you feel that way indicates you had a great past and you should always love it. You don't have to fix that because there is nothing wrong with it. There is nothing to "heal" from. You're not wounded. You're fine. Go out and explore life! Yay for you! Time to get excited about the future and all it holds! Hugs, Papabear Papabear,
I was told to take a break from a server I really like because something pretty bad happened because of irrational choices I made when I was upset. I need to ask … how can I stop feeling scared to keep trying to be a better person? Do you have any advice on how I can easily (???) improve myself and not make those mistakes again? I thought it would be simple, but I feel there may be a catch. The guy who runs the server is very sweet and he understands that I have trouble handling my emotions. He suggested that I take a break for as long as I need to. He also told me that if the server isn’t being good for my mental health, then I should leave for the benefit of my mental health. I just want to be better. But, I’m so unsure. Anonymous * * * Hello, furiend, I find myself needing breaks, too, from social media such as Facebook. Such places are full of hate, trolls, and bad news that can depress and aggravate even the most sane and kind of us. So, taking a break is not a bad idea at all. Remember that these days, the media thrives on giving us bad, sensationalistic news because it boosts ratings and earns them more money. Consequently, the world looks like a horrible place when it really has both good and bad things going on. As for improving oneself, I recently saw a neat video on this. It was about a European fellow who had all the signs of becoming a sociopath. He had no joy, no emotion, no empathy for others. If he kept on going that way, he probably would have entered a life of crime, even murder. How did he escape? Well, unfortunately, it was NOT easy (hon, there is no such thing as easy when it comes to self-improvement, so don't even ask such a question), but it WAS doable. What he did was take baby steps. Tiny little daily steps to slowly improve himself. He would go on walks, exercise, do small acts of kindness, meditate, enjoy a moment of beauty in nature, do something positive such as clean up his room or get a chore done. Any little, good step would help. Slowly, one percent at a time, bit by bit, his view of his world and himself began to change. What he discovered, unbeknownst to himself because he had no psychology training, was his own form of behavior modification therapy. Instead of going directly to the brain for a magical cure that would change his way of thinking, he slowly, very slowly, changed his behavior. As his behavior reflected more and more a good attitude about life, eventually he began to HAVE that good attitude, and this, in tern, vastly improved his mental and emotional health to the point where he says his friends no longer recognize him. This takes years. There is NO magic pill. No magical advice I can give you. You have to be dedicated to changing yourself and you have to be supremely patient with your progress. In a world where everyone expects instant gratification, this is against what most people would like to hear, but if you don't do something like this you will never change. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I'd like to know, how to I become the best student at school with the best possible grades? DayPawTheChunkyCoyote * * * Dear DayPaw, As with anything else, if you want to be good at something, work hard at it. Study hard and you should get better grades as a result. Hugs, Papabear ...... Hi, again, DayPaw, You know, I apologize for giving you such a terse answer earlier. There's really more I should say on this subject, and it's this: Learning isn't about grades. Real learning is about finding something you're interested in and exploring it fully. Education systems--especially in America--are designed to produce good little factory workers, cubicle dwellers, and consumers. They are not designed to help you genuinely learn things you want to learn to pursue what interests YOU in life. You really don't get that opportunity until college, BUT! You will have a hard time getting into college if you have difficulty with one or more subjects in high school that subsequently brings down your GPA. The school system--especially in the good ol' US of A--is made to train you to do things by rote learning, to respond to discipline (you must go to your class when the bell rings, leave when the bell rings, sit in your assigned seat, only speak when spoken to, etc.), and to become, basically, an automaton. You are also disparaged and made to feel like shit if you have problems with any one subject, whether that is science or English or even physical education. So, again, to really answer your question, I should say this: discover first what interests you; if that means you need to go on to college, then you need to play the game to study hard, take the tests, get A's, and move on; but if you don't need a college degree (for example, you want to be a dancer or a painter or you are brilliant enough to invent something in your garage that makes you a millionaire--which actually happens with many of the millionaires we have in this world), then don't worry about it. Just do your time and, when not in school, focus on your passion. Most of what I know about the world (indeed, most of what I do with my money-paying job) I learned AFTER I left school. Good grades are there to please your parents and to get a better shot at college. They don't actually mean anything about you personally, and they certainly don't mean squat about your value as a human being. Big Bear Hugs, Papabear Hello Pappabear, how are you?
I am not sure how to begin. Every night for more than a year now I have thought of myself as "huskyboi" (https://www.furaffinity.net/view/26412955/ https://www.furaffinity.net/view/26598036/ [Papabear warning: vore content]) from the comic, needing saving and care as the fox gave, because my OCD was so strong I thought there was something more severe going on. And my thoughts can be very convincing. I cannot express in words what it was like only to wake up the next morning knowing logically my thoughts are not real. It was terrifying, and I felt hurt like huskyboi, though I have nothing physically wrong. After a year or so, my mental attitude improved. Now I do not see myself as a hurt husky, but the feeling of wanting care still remains. (right now, my OCD says I am being too negative to you and should make an effort to be more positive, but I know from countless nights of "I wish I should have emailed you"). Well, maybe I deserve this. At night a reoccurring thought (one of many) is that I am a bad, ungrateful person, and Dad would be happier without me. The idea that this OCD thought may be right. Though dad repeatedly tells me how proud he is of me and how much I am pushing for my goals in life (rocket science). I am 22. I am old enough to know the world is not how we think it is when we are young. I am aware I have to haul my own weight to live, life is not always how we want it, and events that seem so extreme (emotional, physical) you would think can not be possible that make life not worth living are in fact normal. I am not in need of a rubber room just because I feel like it would help. I am not insane. I am in collage, with an intellectual capacity to shoot for a physics degree. (If I was loony, I would not be able to function as a student, be polite and kind to dad's girlfriend, etc.) In other words, even though you can be doing the best you can and advancing to your goals for yourself, you will always have something bad going on in one way or another, and you just need to deal with it because "that is life." Should I just push that idea out of my head and get over it? Please do not show any more empathy or compassion than need be, I do not want to act like a complainer (my OCD says I am by writing you). So my question is: What is reality? I know you do not know me personally, but I cannot determine what to do. Why do I feel like I need to be in a position of receiving care where I can not escape if I wanted and will not be let out until I receive "care"? How do I just get over it and move on with life? Nicholas * * * Hi, there! Before I write a full response to your letter, I have a question: You talk about your dad but not your mother. Do you still have Mom in your life? Are you being treated for OCD? Hugs, Papabear * * * Dear Mr. Hile, My parents are divorced, I was told in a family meeting in 2015, but the separation happened a year later, I live with Dad, while Mom is in another state (so not able to visit very much). I am currently taking medication for OCD and recently started a new psychologist last week, the reason I transferred from my old psychologist is because the old one was too far for regular trips. From what I seen with the new psychologist, he is a good fit. PS: One other question: I have been having urges and thoughts about donating a large percentage of the money I have to the church; but when I try to carry out the idea I get a sense that I should not do so, and I should keep it. This in turn provides old thoughts of being greedy, and feelings of being a coward for not toughing out my doubt and fear of doing so. I have given large sums of money to the church in the past, this is not new, but it is the first I felt this torn between wanting to give, believing it is for the best, but having ocd thoughts of giving out of expecting something in return which means I am being selfish, and feelings of not doing what is smart. Thank you for your time. * * * Dear Nicholas, Okay, I'm going to address this church donation question first as it is separate from your earlier question. My belief about charity is that you should first make sure that you are okay yourself: financially, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Once that is established, only then should you consider being charitable. This is not selfish because you are no good to others if you are not okay yourself (and when I say okay, I don't mean swimming in luxuries, I just mean you are doing well with food, clothes, shelter, family relationships and so on). Next, it is only truly a gift of charity if you do not expect anything in return. Rich people who donate to charities often only do so for the tax benefits, not because they are truly generous, which makes it a sham and a swindle. Give when you are able to give and do not expect anything in return because that is not a gift, it is a bribe or obligation. This is good policy and has nothing to do with OCD. Make sense? Back to your original issue. I am glad you are getting treatment for your Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Sorry about your parents' separation, though. Your fantasies indicate that you feel you did not in the past (or in the present, as well) receive a very nurturing life. Vore fantasies are symbolic of a desire to return to the safety of the womb (symbolized by a stomach). You can easily observe in the comics you sent that the husky is feeling very safe and happy once inside his savior. So, in essence, you are feeling very insecure about life, an insecurity likely exacerbated by your parents' divorce. Even if you no longer feel as close a tie to Huskyboi as you once did, there is a lot of residual insecurity lingering within you. It is unclear why you feel undeserving of a happy life, unless (speculating here a lot) you believe the divorce is somehow your fault? I would immediately say that is incorrect. And although you don't say anything about your mother, it sounds as if your father is very supportive and encouraging of you. You're very lucky to have that, so do not dismiss it lightly. Bad things happen to good people. It doesn't mean you are bad or that it is pointless to try to live life because something inevitably bad will happen to you. I've had a lot of bad things happen to me over the years, but it doesn't mean I am a bad or undeserving person. Shit happens. What you need to do is outgrow your insecurities. The way to do that is to complete your education, get a job, become self-sufficient and gain confidence over time that you can face challenges, accomplish tasks, and not only get by but thrive in the real world. Set goals for yourself (start small, take baby steps), beginning with ones you feel confident you can complete. Each task you finish successfully will boost your ego, your sense of self-worth. Gradually kick it up a notch, doing more challenging tasks with each step. Will you fail? Sometimes, sure, but that doesn't mean you stop trying. You will also succeed. That's life. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, but losing is not defeat. It is a way to learn, which will give you ammunition the next time you try, increasing your chances of winning. This will not happen overnight. It takes years. Just promise yourself you won't give up. Work with your therapist on these issues, too, because the only way to treat OCD is through either medications, therapy, or some of both. Hugs, Papabear |
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An excellent article on coming out LGBT to Christian parents.
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