Hello Pappabear, how are you?
I am not sure how to begin. Every night for more than a year now I have thought of myself as "huskyboi" (https://www.furaffinity.net/view/26412955/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/26598036/ [Papabear warning: vore content]) from the comic, needing saving and care as the fox gave, because my OCD was so strong I thought there was something more severe going on. And my thoughts can be very convincing. I cannot express in words what it was like only to wake up the next morning knowing logically my thoughts are not real. It was terrifying, and I felt hurt like huskyboi, though I have nothing physically wrong. After a year or so, my mental attitude improved. Now I do not see myself as a hurt husky, but the feeling of wanting care still remains. (right now, my OCD says I am being too negative to you and should make an effort to be more positive, but I know from countless nights of "I wish I should have emailed you").
Well, maybe I deserve this. At night a reoccurring thought (one of many) is that I am a bad, ungrateful person, and Dad would be happier without me. The idea that this OCD thought may be right. Though dad repeatedly tells me how proud he is of me and how much I am pushing for my goals in life (rocket science).
I am 22. I am old enough to know the world is not how we think it is when we are young. I am aware I have to haul my own weight to live, life is not always how we want it, and events that seem so extreme (emotional, physical) you would think can not be possible that make life not worth living are in fact normal. I am not in need of a rubber room just because I feel like it would help. I am not insane. I am in collage, with an intellectual capacity to shoot for a physics degree. (If I was loony, I would not be able to function as a student, be polite and kind to dad's girlfriend, etc.)
In other words, even though you can be doing the best you can and advancing to your goals for yourself, you will always have something bad going on in one way or another, and you just need to deal with it because "that is life." Should I just push that idea out of my head and get over it?
Please do not show any more empathy or compassion than need be, I do not want to act like a complainer (my OCD says I am by writing you).
So my question is: What is reality? I know you do not know me personally, but I cannot determine what to do. Why do I feel like I need to be in a position of receiving care where I can not escape if I wanted and will not be let out until I receive "care"? How do I just get over it and move on with life?
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Before I write a full response to your letter, I have a question: You talk about your dad but not your mother. Do you still have Mom in your life? Are you being treated for OCD?
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Dear Mr. Hile,
My parents are divorced, I was told in a family meeting in 2015, but the separation happened a year later, I live with Dad, while Mom is in another state (so not able to visit very much). I am currently taking medication for OCD and recently started a new psychologist last week, the reason I transferred from my old psychologist is because the old one was too far for regular trips. From what I seen with the new psychologist, he is a good fit.
PS: One other question: I have been having urges and thoughts about donating a large percentage of the money I have to the church; but when I try to carry out the idea I get a sense that I should not do so, and I should keep it. This in turn provides old thoughts of being greedy, and feelings of being a coward for not toughing out my doubt and fear of doing so. I have given large sums of money to the church in the past, this is not new, but it is the first I felt this torn between wanting to give, believing it is for the best, but having ocd thoughts of giving out of expecting something in return which means I am being selfish, and feelings of not doing what is smart.
Thank you for your time.
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Okay, I'm going to address this church donation question first as it is separate from your earlier question. My belief about charity is that you should first make sure that you are okay yourself: financially, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Once that is established, only then should you consider being charitable. This is not selfish because you are no good to others if you are not okay yourself (and when I say okay, I don't mean swimming in luxuries, I just mean you are doing well with food, clothes, shelter, family relationships and so on). Next, it is only truly a gift of charity if you do not expect anything in return. Rich people who donate to charities often only do so for the tax benefits, not because they are truly generous, which makes it a sham and a swindle.
Give when you are able to give and do not expect anything in return because that is not a gift, it is a bribe or obligation. This is good policy and has nothing to do with OCD.
Back to your original issue.
I am glad you are getting treatment for your Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Sorry about your parents' separation, though.
Your fantasies indicate that you feel you did not in the past (or in the present, as well) receive a very nurturing life. Vore fantasies are symbolic of a desire to return to the safety of the womb (symbolized by a stomach). You can easily observe in the comics you sent that the husky is feeling very safe and happy once inside his savior. So, in essence, you are feeling very insecure about life, an insecurity likely exacerbated by your parents' divorce. Even if you no longer feel as close a tie to Huskyboi as you once did, there is a lot of residual insecurity lingering within you.
It is unclear why you feel undeserving of a happy life, unless (speculating here a lot) you believe the divorce is somehow your fault? I would immediately say that is incorrect. And although you don't say anything about your mother, it sounds as if your father is very supportive and encouraging of you. You're very lucky to have that, so do not dismiss it lightly.
Bad things happen to good people. It doesn't mean you are bad or that it is pointless to try to live life because something inevitably bad will happen to you. I've had a lot of bad things happen to me over the years, but it doesn't mean I am a bad or undeserving person. Shit happens.
What you need to do is outgrow your insecurities. The way to do that is to complete your education, get a job, become self-sufficient and gain confidence over time that you can face challenges, accomplish tasks, and not only get by but thrive in the real world. Set goals for yourself (start small, take baby steps), beginning with ones you feel confident you can complete. Each task you finish successfully will boost your ego, your sense of self-worth. Gradually kick it up a notch, doing more challenging tasks with each step. Will you fail? Sometimes, sure, but that doesn't mean you stop trying.
You will also succeed. That's life. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, but losing is not defeat. It is a way to learn, which will give you ammunition the next time you try, increasing your chances of winning.
This will not happen overnight. It takes years. Just promise yourself you won't give up.
Work with your therapist on these issues, too, because the only way to treat OCD is through either medications, therapy, or some of both.
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