How to Believe in Yourself

Dear Papabear,

I am in my mid-twenties. How can I gain confidence? I doubt myself a lot and always fear the worst like failing. That I'll fail everything that I'll do. I've been noticing that I have ADHD-like symptoms for 4 years. I don't even have a driver's license. Fearing that the worst will happen due to these symptoms, it makes other things hard too. Many people have told me to believe in myself. What can I do?

Francesca

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Dear Francesca,

"Believe in yourself" is easier to say than to do. It's a cop-out phrase used by friends and family who don't know how to help you. Well-intentioned, but useless. So, okay, you should believe in yourself, of course, but you can't just snap your fingers and, to quote Captain Picard, make it so. How to proceed?

There are several factors involved that cause us to doubt ourselves:

1. As children, we grow up wanting to please our parents and get their approval. These are the people who nurtured us in infancy and on whom we depended for protection, so this is a natural instinct. So many people grow up with daddy or mommy issues that it is ridiculous. This feeling can linger even after parents die, and it can also be transferred to others whom we respect, admire, or who have power over us, such as teachers, bosses, or spouses. Don't be a people pleaser.
2. Our inherent and instinctive need to fit into our society, to conform, and to meet its expectations also causes us to pursue goals that we feel are socially approved in order to be a valued member of the group. This is why, for example, people conform to a religious institution in which they were raised, or become bigots, or chant at a political rally, or pursue a career they don't actually enjoy. Don't be a conformist.
3. We are raised to believe this is a competitive world and we always have to do better than other people. Don't worry about other people; do things for your own fulfillment.
4. We are criticized for our appearance if we don't meet the standards for what is considered attractive. You're beautiful as you are. Don't worry about shallow standards.

The first thing you need to do is rid yourself of the burden of meeting other people's expectations of what is "success" and what is "failure." If you think that "success" is making lots of money and having lots of material possessions, for example, then you can often feel like a failure if you don't make money and buy expensive things. But, if you feel that "success" is being a kind, giving, and GOOD person who pursues their own dreams, you might find yourself becoming a success very quickly.

Next point: Don't avoid failure, embrace it. EVERYONE fails at least some of the time. I have experienced many failures myself. Hey, even people like Albert Einstein, Walt Disney, and Bill Gates have experienced failures. Failures are not as bad as they sound because they are learning experiences. For example, one time I tried to apply to a university's creative writing program. I submitted fiction samples to them and was roundly rejected. Reexamining what I sent, I realized that my writing was pretentious crap. I learned from that and am a much better writer now. Another example: my novel (only wrote one so far) was rejected 100 times before a publisher accepted it. (Oh, and in the process, I discovered I am a very good nonfiction writer). Just keep trying. Hey, Margaret Mitchell's Gone with the Wind was rejected 40 times. Stephen King's early work was rejected hundreds of times before he published Carrie.

Failure is a learning experience. Do not fear it. Expect it and learn from it. Same with rejection. You WILL experience rejection many times before you find acceptance. Once you get rid of the fears of failure and rejection, you can move forward. You do that by substituting expectation for anticipation. Anticipation is much more anxiety-inducing than expectation.

In summary, to build self-confidence you must:

• Reject other people's definitions of success
• Define your own goals for success independent of society's "norms"
• Embrace failures as learning experiences
• Keep going, no matter what

I hope that helps.

Hugs,
Papabear