He's Gay; She's Demisexual; Can It Work?

Dear Papabear,

I'm a male furry in a relationship with a non-fur and it has been going great. She accepts me for who I am, furry and all. This sounds like a great thing but here's the problem: I'm gay. I came to terms with it about a year ago and we've been together for three years. What do I do? She knows I'm more gay than straight, but I really don't think I'm straight at all. I still really like her but I don't know if I will ever feel sexually attracted to her, or love her more than I'd love a close friend. To make matters worse, she's been talking about marriage and it is making me uncomfortable... I really don't want to end it, but it just seems wrong being with a female...

Also I have this friend that I AM attracted to, and he apparently reciprocates my feelings, but neither of us will do anything about it because I'm already in a relationship.

I want my girlfriend to be happy and she's always saying how happy she is that we're together and she's demisexual so she may never find someone else that she loves this way... This makes it harder for me to even think about an end to the relationship because she's such a great person and I really don't want her to be alone for the rest of her life...

I'm sort of at a loss and any help would be appreciated... Thanks.

Kye Fox

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Dear Kye Fox,

You don’t need to “end it” in terms of friendship, but you sure as heck need to stop letting her think that this is going to lead to marriage. Can you imagine what would happen if you let it get that far? All the way through the expensive ceremony? the honeymoon? ... but no kids because you don’t like her in that way. So, not only would you be deceiving her about what you could do for her as a husband, but if she ever wanted children you would be depriving her of that, as well.

Stop this charade. You are not doing her any favors by pretending this is any more than what it actually is. And don’t undervalue friendship. A good, real, binding friendship can be just as precious as a marriage in many ways.

Furthermore, if you went through with marriage with your girlfriend, you could potentially be depriving your male friend of what could actually be a romantic matehood—so that would be two people whose lives you would be wrongfully affecting because you’re afraid you’d hurt your girlfriend’s feelings.

As for her being demisexual (for readers who aren’t familiar with the word, it refers to people who can only be sexually aroused by those with whom they are emotionally bonded), you might be thinking of yourself as a little too indispensable. There are a lot of people out there who would appreciate a woman like her. So, your count is now up to three other human beings who could be hurt by this: your potential boyfriend, your girlfriend, and the guy who could be her real mate if you admit to her that the two of you getting married is a bad idea.

By now you should see where Papabear’s going with this. You might think you’re doing her a favor by hiding the truth, but you’re really not. Time to ‘fess up, hon.

Hugs,

Papabear