So I'm in a poly-amorous relationship, I love both my mates very much but there's a bit of a complication. In the time my first mate and I had to move back to our respective "home" states we had talked less and less. While we were apart we both 'found' a replacement of sorts. I was talking to a fur in PA rather frequently through text and online. We developed an emotional bond and a mutual attraction for one another. The fur I know in PA also has a mate, which is where things get complicated.
My 1st mate who was in his home state found someone in real life as well, but their relationship wasn't online. It was face to face and often in the same space. The guy my mate met after much discussion became my second mate after a lot of deliberation and talking to one another on FB and through text and on the phone and such. I love the boy as much as I love my first mate, they would both pull the moon from the sky for me if I asked them too. But I'm really torn, I love the guy in PA... He's done so much for me and I would probably be homeless at this moment if it weren't for all the help he'd given me in the form of cash assistance and the emotional support that he had created for me and I for him.... But now my mates both talk to me on a nearly daily basis and we were 'open' to a point, but recent events led me to closing the relationship... I don't want to exclude the guy from PA, we had talked about hooking up someday in the future... I don't want to close the relationship and then say "Oh sorry I love you but all those plans you have are going up in smoke." Because I know that's how it'll go down and how bad it will hurt him... Do you think that you can come up with advice that would keep my relationship with my mates and the guy in PA intact? I'd like to not burn any bridges or take sides in all of this I really just want to find a happy medium in all of this. Lelouch Utsukukitsu Valentyne * * * Hi, Lelouch, Okay, lemme see if Papabear has this straight. You fell in love with a guy who then moved out of state and got his own mate. Meanwhile, you also fell in love with someone else and this other guy is in Pennsylvania and also has a mate. While you were getting close to the PA guy, he sent you money so you wouldn’t be homeless and gave you other emotional support. In addition, you have fallen in love with your first mate’s mate, which means you now love three people—I guess everyone except the PA person’s mate? Of all these people, too, the only one you have met IRL is the first mate. Papabear’s first instinct is to say you might be tossing around the word “love” a little too freely. Furthermore, as I’ve said before, a virtual relationship is not the same as one in which you know the person in real space and time. None of these people live near you, and you don’t mention that you have any intention of moving yourself to be closer to any of them. If you don’t plan on being in the same state with any of these people, then any notion of having a real loving relationship with them is a fallacy. Here’s what you do. 1) Pay back the guy in Pennsylvania what you owe him, making sure to thank him profusely for his kindness. 2) Downgrade all three relationships to friendships, explaining that you care for them but that circumstances prevent you from having a committed relationship. 3) Start looking for that someone special in your life who can easily be in the same room with you. Papabear is not against polyamorous relationships per se. Sometimes they can work if all parties are in agreement as to the terms and conditions and are within at least easy driving distance. But having three lovers split between two states and one in a relationship with a person you are not interested in is, well, a complete mess. And “not taking sides” is not an option. You are heavily involved in this and you can’t just be neutral. It’s time, Lelouch, to get your love life in order and to be a little more realistic as to what is possible and what is not feasible. Simplify things and you will be much happier. Good luck, Papabear * * * I failed to mention this but my first mate, who lives with the 2nd mate plans to move in with me come early winter. The both of them plan on it. Lelouch Utsukukitsu Valentyne * * * [Note to readers: here's a great example of why it is important to include all relevant information in your letters; different information engenders different replies.] Lelouch, Okay, well, that is very important! So, the three of you, then, are all okay with being mates? And then the only issue being your guy in PA? I would say, then, you need to have a heart-to-heat with the PA mate. Tell him directly what is going on with your life and that you care about him and want to know how he stands on your relationship given the fact that you have these two mates? It sounds like he might be open to polyamory, too, given that he has become close to you while also having a mate. Does that sound right? Oh! And, if you haven't already, make sure you tell your other two mates about the PA guy. As long as everyone is informed about what is going on and is agreeable to it, you don't have a problem. BUT! if the PA furry has a problem with your relationship with the other two, you are going to have to end that relationship in terms of being amorous (shouldn't be difficult, as you have not had sex) and, if possible, be friends. You should also do the honorable thing and try and pay him back the money he gave you. Make sense? Hugs, Papabear
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Dear poppa bear,
I’ve never done this sort of thing before, and I’m not sure if I’m doing this right, but I’ve been stuck in a bad depression for some time now, and one of my Internet friends recommended I talk to you. I’m currently 26 years old and living in my parents’ attic, I lost my job in May, and haven’t been able to find a new one and eventually just gave up, and now my parents are telling me I need to get out, my dad mostly, as he’s always treated me badly and even said his life would have been better had I never been born, but my mom has been getting on me as well. There’s a lot of stress in my house for multiple reasons, one big one is my little sister, who has been under suicide watch twice in the past 3 years. I’m expected to always do as I’m told still, and any time I do have money of my own I’m told I need to pay my dad’s bills. I’ve been feeling much more depressed these days than I have in the past and even seriously considered walking out into traffic a few days ago when my dad left me to watch my sister’s broken down car for 3 hours. If things keep going this way, I’m afraid I might either snap and go after my dad, or do something to myself. I’m honestly not sure what I’m looking for help wise, or if you even can help, but the friend who recommended you is kind of close, and I trust them, so I decided to give it a try. Sorry for dumping my issues on your lap, but I do think I need help. Lupo * * * Dear Lupo, Many people are suffering because of this rotten economy. Papabear knows people who have been out of work for years, and it can get really depressing for sure. You have only been out of work for four months. In this depression (and I still assert we are in a depression and don’t care what economists say) that is not really very long. Papabear is guessing that, because your parents see you have quit on yourself, they are getting frustrated with you. Threatening to kick you out might just be “tough love” to scare you and get your tail moving again. Perhaps not, but that is one possibility. I’m not sure about the circumstances of how you lost your job, but assuming it was because of no fault of your own and your company was simply downsizing for one reason or another, you need to get back at it. If you have not already done so, get a letter of recommendation or two from your former employer, revise your resume, and get back on the job search. Network with friends and relatives to see if they have leads for you, as this is a much better way of finding a job than searching the want ads or job sites online. Talk to your parents. Show them you are putting forth renewed effort to get a job. See if they can give you any advice. And do not “poo poo” a job because it is “beneath you.” Take anything you can get at this point. Papabear has a dear bear friend he respects immensely. A talented photographer and smart guy. He lost his job and couldn’t find work, so to make ends meet he stocked shelves at Wal-Mart. He did that for three years, but finally found a wonderful job he loves and has already been promoted. You need to follow his example. Don’t be a quitter. Once you give up on yourself, you will just spiral downward into oblivion like your poor sister. Things will only “keep going this way” if you stand by and do nothing. You got a job once before, right? You can do so again. Your job right now is the profession of finding a job. It is practically a career in itself. It pays bupkis for a long time, but eventually there is a payout. Here’s a handy little summary of some things you can do: http://jobsearch.about.com/od/findajob/tp/tensteps.htm or http://www.wikihow.com/Get-a-Job. The key here is to get your fuzzy butt in gear again. Drink lots of caffeine and consume lots of carbs (your health provided) and get into high gear. Exercise, too, to give yourself energy. Once you get a job—and if you assert yourself in the above way you eventually WILL get a job—then you will be able to support yourself again, move out of the attic, regain your self-respect, and watch your depression melt away. Will this happen right away. Hell, no, not unless you have a great stroke of luck. But don’t give up. Never give up. Meanwhile, if you can, keep a social network close to you; some friends who will help support you emotionally during this trying time. Lupo, there is nothing like a good friend to get you through times like these. I hope you have one or two or more. And, if the above doesn’t address your question adequately, please, feel free to write me again. Papabear’s door is always open. Hugs, Papabear I...just need help figuring out what to do. I have just started the 16th year of my life and I have gotten myself into a relationship with a girl. My problem with this is that she wants to have sex and do other things...I am all for doing this with her but at the same time my moral code doesn't let me do this. I just need advice on what I should do to satisfy her needs without breaking my morals (my morals are the standard morals of most religions).
Nicky * * * Dear Nicky, I’m not sure what the “other things” are, so let’s just talk about the sex. Papabear is certain that your 16-year-old body is “all for doing this.” Hormones are dictating your desire to have sex. On the other hand, your sense of morals is holding you back. Many people feel it is not moral to have sex at such an early age and before marriage, and Papabear respects that. Your girlfriend should to. It is not right for your girlfriend to pressure you to have sex any more than it is for you to pressure her. You need to explain to her that your sense of morals makes you very uncomfortable with the idea of having intercourse right now. I’m not sure by your letter whether you are in love with this person or just dating. If you are just dating and don’t even know whether you love her, all the more reason not to have sex. If you love her, tell her so, but also say that you would like to wait before you take it to that level. If she loves you, she will respect that and wait. If she just wants sex, she’ll probably dump you. If that’s the case, you’re better off. Go find a girlfriend who loves you for you and doesn’t see you as just a walking penis. Hugs, Papabear Dear, loving Papabear,
Let me say first that your advice has helped so many others, and I couldn't think of anyone I would trust more right now... Papabear, I think I'm bisexual. In the sense that, I'm sure I don't just feel love for one sex - even though I know I get aroused by both genders, I don't base my desire for a relationship through sexual arousal. I'm looking for that feeling of love, the inner qualities, and I'm open to all possibilities. So far, in my life, even though I've been open to both genders for about 2 years, I've only found myself falling in love with girls, and I've only had relationships with girls. Lately though, I've started having a little online date with a guy, and I do love him... But I don't know how much I can trust myself...because I'm only 16. I'm not sure if I'm mature enough to realize that I'm bisexual. When I was 12, I thought I was gay, and I kept that for about a year, until my counselor helped me realize that I was just sexually jealous. I've grown a lot in those years, but I still don't know if it's going to be like this for the rest of my life, or if it's just a phase, and to that effect, I don't know if I'm going to come out or not, and I don't know if I should allow myself to continually be open to both genders. I don't have much of a problem with coming out, my parents have always been loving, supportive and caring, but they sometimes poke fun at effeminates (which they mistakenly refer to as "gays") when we're at home. And, we're a Christian family. I'm happy that no one in my family has ever used religion against the third gender, but I think it's also because no one in our family is part of the third gender...I might be. And that fact taken in, I'm worried of what conclusions they might jump to if I tell them. I'm a masculine person, stoic, my friends have described me as "manly" and at face value, no one ever expects me to be the affectionate and open person that I am...so, I'm not even sure if they can believe me if I tell them I'm bisexual. As you might have noticed, I have a strong feeling that I am not straight. But even I can't be sure now... Papabear, what do I do? Should I wait for myself to grow up to the right age, and should I still continue pursuing these dates with the boy? Should I tell my parents right now that I have some problems with my gender, or should I wait until I'm sure I have something to come out with? I'm sorry if it's a bit much. With gratitude and hugs, Dael * * * Hi, Dael, There are a number of things in your letter that I think you need some assistance with and some clarification. First, let’s clear up some things. 1) There is no such thing as a “third gender.” Biologically, you are male or you are female. Unless you are talking about hermaphrodites, who can have the physical attributes of both, but that is not your case, I’m sure. 2) I have no idea what “sexually jealous” is, but I strongly suspect you went to a counselor of the Christian persuasion who believes that homosexuality is a disease and tried to convince you that you were just going through some kind of jealousy of females in love with males. 3) Not all gay people are effeminate. I certainly am not, and there is a whole community of bears, leather men, etc. who are gay and definitely not effeminate. So, yeah, you can also be effeminate and NOT gay. Good observation on your part. So, you are 16 and confused about your sexuality (not your gender), which is really very common. Whether you are gay or bi, you clearly have some attraction to males as well as females. In the world of sexuality, things are not always black and white. There is a broad spectrum of sexuality ranging from 100% hetero to 100% homo and everything in between. The majority of people actually are somewhere in between, though people who profess to be straight usually deny it. At 16 you should not be pushing yourself about sexuality. You really, in this bear’s opinion, are too young for sex and shouldn’t pressure yourself over it. I agree with you, then, that for now you should chill out a bit. Concentrate on school, making friends, discovering your personal abilities and hobbies. In our society, there is far too much emphasis on sex. Instead of pushing yourself, let it come to you naturally, organically. Instead of worrying about what gender attracts you, allow yourself to be attracted to the PERSON you meet, whether a boy or a girl. Fall in love first, and then let the sexual experience be an enhancement of that love. When that happens, you will be ready to tell your family more about who you are. Remember, sexual preference is just ONE aspect of who you are. You are many other things, too, that make up the entire personality of who Dael is as a person. Good luck! Papabear [Note to readers: Robert Hill (http://en.wikifur.com/wiki/Robert_Hill and http://www.furaffinity.net/user/vawlkee/ ) is a furry (Vawlkee) I first met a few years ago. He is a talented artist and one of the original fursuit makers. He has worked as a costumed character and stage manager for Disney.]
This should be interesting, as I'm old enough (likely) to be your old man... How is it that furry has become the private domain for the mainly under 30 crowd? As you know I was literally on the ground floor of what was to ultimately become "furry," and I can name names and time periods. I've been the victim of snobbery, rudeness, and just plain ignorance - all because of my age! Epithets like "grey muzzle," etc. are offensive to me. These "people" acknowledge your age but don't give a damn who you are and what you've done. The virtual disdain of the "furry" community to so much as chat with someone like me is offensive to the extreme. They add me to instant messaging and then when I want to chat, they plead that they "just aren't good" at communicating. I'm almost ashamed to even admit that I'm a "furry." It's all about kids and their paw-off art and animal costumes. I don't say "fursuits" - why should I? I made my first animal costume 25 years ago, before 90% of "furry" fandom was even born! Does anyone even know - much less even care? - Hell no! (I know you do - but that's another story.) It's like a fucking wolf pack with three options: "Lead, follow, or get out of the fucking way!" I've pretty much chosen the latter. I don't know if this is a question or simply the rant of a guy that's just plain in the wrong place at the wrong time! --Robert Hill * * * Dear Robert, As you know (and the following is more or less to benefit my younger readers), the furry fandom has really only been around since the 1980s (yes, there was some stuff leading up to that point, but I feel the beginning was in the '80s). To you and me, that doesn’t seem very long, but we now have a whole new crop of furries who were not even born at that time, as you note. Therefore, they know very little about you, and the MTV special and other films you appeared in, or the fursuits and art you created. Also, you have not been very involved in the community for many years, although your art is still online. But the 1980s were a time when the Internet was still ARPANET and social networking wasn’t even a glimmer in Mark Zuckerberg’s eye. Hell, Zuckerberg (b. 1984, cubbies!) wasn’t even a glimmer in his parents’ eyes yet. The world has changed considerably, and so has the furry fandom. In its early days, furry was just a celebration of anthros. Now it is much much MUCH more. It has become a lifestyle for many people, something that really got out of hand with that entire Burned Furs nonsense. It has embraced all kinds of philosophies and beliefs, behaviors, and ways of acting. To those who object and have hissy fits about the things that have become associated with furry (from therians and otherkin to plushophiles and babyfurs), Papabear has three little words: Get over yourselves. Furry is supposed to be one thing: FUN! Fun through the combination—in myriad forms—of animal and human characters. Why are people fighting about something that, let’s face it, in the grand scheme of things really doesn’t matter? Do people who “take their art seriously” and get reverential over Brian Jacques’ “Redwall” series get hurt if there is a furry somewhere off in a corner masturbating to a naked picture of Mattimeo? No. With all the hunger, crime, war, and environmental destruction in this world, you all have other things in your lives that you should get riled up about instead. Ranting about what words people use to describe one furry or another is about as important as what brand of tampon Paris Hilton shoves up between her legs. Why, Robert, do you object to being called a “greymuzzle”? I, personally, take it as a badge of honor. I’m an older furry and younger furries look to me for guidance and when they call me a greymuzzle or, even better, a papabear, I am thrilled and honored. You don't get old by being a fool. Age is not a sin, nor is youth a virtue. I don’t believe that the under-30 crowd have made the fandom their “private domain.” (Although there are some rather obnoxious people who think their scat smells like fresh cinnamon rolls, but that is true in every social group of humans I have ever seen). There is an active and growing older community of furries who form their own groups, such as the greymuzzle--pardon me, "chronologically advanced"--group I founded on FurAffinity. Yes, there are a lot of young furries. Know why? Because the fandom is growing by leaps and bounds and because the fun of it all appeals to those with young hearts. This mostly means younger people, though I do know of some furries who came to the fandom later in life because they have youthful spirits, too. The terminology they have created (fursuits, murr, greymuzzles, noms, pawsome, etc. etc.) is just part of the charm. You don't have to say "fursuit," but it wouldn't kill you to do so. As for older furries, there aren't as many because a lot of people who join the fandom when they are younger decide that it is "for kids" when they "grow up." I think that's sad, but that's how it often works. More power to greymuzzles, who, in this bear's opinion, are the hardcore furries through thick and thin to the end! The youthfulness and energy of the fandom is one of its appeals, and a very good thing in Papabear’s book. Does it make me feel old when I mention Gilda Radner and a furry friend doesn’t know who I’m talking about? Sure, but then I tell them who Gilda was and voilá! They have something new in their lives they didn’t know about that makes them laugh and brings them joy. Now, about chat and this furry “disdain” you are experiencing. It is actually true that many young furries are shy and have a hard time communicating. But you may find a little kindness and patience goes a long way. It might also be, dear Robert—and please don’t take offense—that your abruptness and cynicism turns them off and chases them away (and calling them "people" in quotation marks is a little offensive to them, don't you think?) Here is my advice to you. Happiness with one’s life does not come from the plaudits of others but from the satisfaction of doing good for others. It is giving, not receiving, that makes a person happy. And you are not happy about the furry fandom because you wish that it would give you something that it hasn’t: more recognition. You will be much happier if you give back to the fandom, without expecting anything in return, because you are doing so out of the kindness of your own heart, out of love for others. This is a lesson I myself learned. Papabear has had some doors slammed in his face, too. I am no stranger to rude furries, and I used to let this get to me. I don’t anymore. What I did was I went out and got me a good attitude about furries, set out to help younger furs in the fandom, extended a big paw of friendship ... and found that paws, hooves, claws, and wings, and maybe even a few fins and tickly insect feet grasped my paw in return. I have more furry friends than non-furry friends, and I am glad. And it is all due to attitude, Robert. There are many kind and sweet and loving people out there just waiting for you. Don't conclude that "all furries" are young, rude snobs who can't communicate. That is not the case at all. Certainly not in my own experience. Bear Hugs, Papabear I've really got nowhere else to turn with this! I'm a very confused person in many ways. Gender, sexuality, etc., etc. But what confuses me the most is my spirituality and religion.
I was raised in a semi-spiritual home. My mother was always burning sage and driving out bad spirits, and we prayed sometimes. But the problem is that she left me to choose what to call myself! I feel very, very connected to the Nahua people, and ancient Mexicans in general, despite not being related to them at all (although my mate is from Mexico). I feel a deep burning desire to worship their deities and to live with them in my heart. When I find something to believe, it is my life... until something persuades me otherwise! So what's the problem here, really? Well the issue is that I'm not an Amerindian. To me it's just taboo to go about a religion or way of life that isn't your own. If I were to be an Aztec worshiper, I'd still live my American life, but I'd just be into their spirituality. Despite these thoughts, there are still a lot of conflicts about it. I mean there are Caucasian Christians, Muslims, Buddhists, and even Shintoists and they're generally accepted by everyone. It's just that something seems wrong with what I want to do. Please help me, Papa Bear. I look up to you as a person who wishes to be tolerant and helpful, and I am really anxious to see what you have to say (as long as it's not, "Do what you want."!) Happy Yerfday as well! Xochimazatl * * * Dear Xochimazatl, Awesome name, by the way. Thank you for an important question! You are correct that most people in life stick with the religion of their culture and with how they were raised, if they stick with religion at all when they are older. Many Americans, of course, become rather secular and don’t go to church much as adults, except on holidays. Those Americans who do usually stick with the church of their parents: Baptists children become Baptists adults, Mormons become Mormons, Jews grow up Jewish, etc. etc. In Papabear’s opinion, believing in something because you have been indoctrinated to believe in it since you were a toddler is to just do as you are told. A far stronger faith comes when one travels to it on his or her own accord. This can be, for example, a Christian who converts to Judaism or Islam or shamanism or Wicca, or Jainism, or anything other than his or her original faith. It could also involve dropping out of one’s original faith but then returning to it later after concluding that it is right for you. Now you may have read before that Papabear isn’t big on organized religion, though I do respect those who follow their faith in all sincerity. Many faiths use scare tactics to keep members, such as “you’re going to Hell unless you believe in Jesus yadda yadda.” Always nice to be threatened, isn’t it? What a loving church that is. My mother lost her final scrap of faith in Christianity when the minister of our church (Southern Baptist) proclaimed, “Jesus wants us to have a new red rug for our church!” Really? Frankly, I don’t think Jesus gives a fat rat’s ass whether your rug is new or worn out. After observing Christianity as a child and youth, I went on a long journey myself, learning about Far Eastern philosophy and religion from Buddhism to Zoroastrianism. Later, I started to learn about “pagan” beliefs such as Wicca and shamanism, and currently I am learning some Native traditions from a personal teacher. Now, I have absolutely no Native American blood in me. I’m English/German/Russian. Does that mean I can’t study about things like the Medicine Wheel? Absolutely not! You make it sound like a problem, but your mother has actually done you a huge favor in letting you explore your own spirituality and making your own choice. Sure, that’s a lot harder than just being told what to do, but in the end you will find it much more rewarding. Spiritual belief is the most personal journey anyone can take. You must find the truths about those things that lie beyond the material world that make the most sense to you and which draw your heart into them. For you, Xochimazatl, that journey has led you to the Nahua people and their beliefs, which make sense to you. That nagging in the back of your mind that says there is something wrong with this is your cultural upbringing. All around you, you hear people saying you should be a Christian in this country, especially if you are white and watch much television, and you feel guilty and even ashamed to pull away from that tradition. But I say to you right now that your desire to find a belief system that is true for you no matter what is a beautiful and extraordinary thing, and Papabear encourages you to pursue it 100% and without regrets. May Grandfather Bear watch over you. I wish you love and happiness. Papabear P.S. Thanks for the Yerfday wishes! Hey there, Grubbs,
My name is Troy, female and I am 17 and my mate will be turning 18 soon. He will be getting tattoos soon, and they all have great meanings! Anyway, that is besides the point, My parents are kind of askew when it comes down to tattoos. As a family, we all watch tattoo shows and admire other people with tattoos, so it would seem alright for me to date someone who would have tattoos, right? I asked my dad if it would be okay if I dated someone with tattoos and he said that it was up to me, but then later said "you're only as good as the company you keep," and "All depends on who you want to be seen with." I get that society somewhat frowns upon tattoos, but I don't see how a piece of art permanently etched into someone's flesh separates them into a different category dating wise. I'm going to be blunt and say that I come from a fairly er..."high class" background, and I hate sounding prude, but that is the best way to describe it. I'm just ... I'm scared that my parents won't accept my boyfriend for having ink. They are fairly conservative, but it's just kind of odd that we all watch all of these tattoo shows? I would've assumed that they would've been okay with them. I personally don't plan to get any tattoos, since I am too young and I gotta think about em! I do think my boyfriend is A TAD young to get a tattoo, but meh, his choice really and he's been thinking about them for a while and ramble ramble ramble. SO, real question is, is how to get my parents to look past my boyfriend's discreet ink to see who he really is? Thanks, hopefully I wrote this well enough for you to understand. I tend to rant on and on hah. -Troy~ * * * Hi, Troy! Thank you for bringing up an interesting and different subject. Tattoos, as I’m sure you’re aware, have a rather dicey history dating back to the practices of pirates, rough-and-tumble sailors, and gang members. But they also have a tribal history, with many tribes from Africa to Polynesia making use of the tattoo arts for ceremonial, identification, and coming-of-age ceremonies. More recently, they have become a preferred form of expression for wealthy athletes and rock stars. Because of this past, a lot of people look down on those with tattoos, especially those belonging to the upper crusty class, as you say you and your family do. We should not, of course, judge people by their exteriors. Proper, PC people don’t judge those for the color of their skin or a disability or their gender. Tattoos are not something you are born with, however; they are something you choose to put on your body. For this reason, they can be viewed as a reflection upon the tattooed-person’s character. Papabear considered having a tattoo for many years. The first tattoo I was thinking about getting consisted of my name and my bride’s name tattooed on my arm. Now, if I had done that years ago I’d be regretting it now, years after the divorce! More recently, I was thinking about some sort of bear-related tattoo to reflect on the outside who I am on the inside. But I eventually decided against it entirely because I concluded that I don’t need an illustration on my body to make me a bear. I already AM a bear! This is not to say that I object to other people having tattoos; it’s just not for me. I do think that many people get tattoos for the wrong reasons, the worst being to look cool, which makes about as much sense as smoking cigarettes. In the case of your boyfriend, it sounds like he is getting tattoos with significant personal meanings for him. That’s cool. Papabear can understand that. I used to watch “Miami Ink” a lot and some of the customers getting tattoos had really touching stories, none more so than those who got tattoos of the faces of loved ones who had passed away. Others just have amazing body art that expresses who they are as they try to show themselves as individuals. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you about the permanency of tattoos. Sure, you can get them lasered off, but only with a lot of pain and so-so results. So, you best be dang sure you want this marking on your body for the rest of your life. Hence, of course, your mentioning that you think he might be a little young at 18 for such a big decision. Papabear doesn’t know him personally, so he may or may not be mature enough. The other issue is the artist you choose. Make sure that he or she runs an IMMACULATE shop (infections are a very real possibility, whether skin or blood, and that is a serious medical issue to be cautious about). Some states require licensing, some do not; if your state does, check to see if the artist is licensed. And, of course, pick a TALENTED artist. The best tattoos are works of art, not something taken off a wall or book of samples. It should be unique to you. So, let’s get back to your parents. They have an evident fascination for tattoos, yet they have ambiguous feelings about having someone in their family, even extended family, who sports them. One of their concerns might have to do with employability. That is, people who are covered in a lot of tattoos and/or piercings, scarring, implants, and other body modifications are less likely to be hired by employers. There are a couple of reasons for this: 1) employers worry that if they have employees with tattoos that they will scare away customers; and 2) tattoos represent people who are risk takers and rebels when most employers want underlings who do as they are told and suck up to the boss. Oh, they might SAY they want risk takers and people who think outside the box, but most really don’t mean that because innovative employees represent a threat to their positions. Anyway, Papabear suspects this would be a main worry of your having a boyfriend with ink. Since your mother and father have an interest in tattoos, that is a good sign they are at least a little open to it. You note that your boyfriend is going to have the tattoos in discreet locations, so that is a good thing, as well. Papabear suggests you talk with your parents about this, explaining that your boyfriend will be subtle about his body art. Also, all of you could get together and talk about the tattoos themselves, how this ink on his body has an important meaning to him and is something very special. He’s not trying to act like a thug or gang member; he is trying to express himself in an artistic way that is important to him. Furthermore, it sounds like your father, in particular, needs to get to know your boyfriend as a person better, and not just as someone with tattoos. He is a person first, and always. Seeing your boyfriend as a good person will go a long way toward answering that quip about “you’re only as good as the company you keep.” A sentiment I, personally, have some disagreement with. You can also talk to your boyfriend about your concerns that he is a little young and he might want to wait a little while to think about this important decision. Tell him you support him fully, but that he should think carefully about what exactly he will be doing, or even if he should. He might even decide, as I did, with considerably thought that he doesn’t want them after all. After careful thought and discussion with all concerned, if your boyfriend gets those tattoos, I’m sure you will support and love him for what he is. With luck, your parents will too, but, in the end, he is your boyfriend, not theirs. Good Luck! Papabear Dear Papabear,
I have a concern I have about love. I'm 23 years old, serving in the US Air Force for 6 years with 3 years left, stationed in a RAF base here in England until Feb 2013, pretty sure I'm gay since I prefer guys over girls and feel more comfortable with them, been a furry for over a year and like strange fetishes I'm afraid might come across as weird to any future mate I might have dreams or fantasies of. Ex. AB/DL, gainer. Had an online relationship that I felt was a legitimate relationship with a nice guy for a year. He was also my master and showed me many firsts since he was my first love and never dated before. So pretty much a virgin to love. I could feel doubt within myself thou after meeting him IRL for the first time. It was wonderful. Sadly he wanted me to stay in the States and not stay overseas since its so hard being together and long distance relationships. Being in the Air Force I can travel to many places that would cost the average person thousands of dollars compared to me only paying a few hundred if I look in the right place. I had jumped the gun on him and only after knowing him for a month he said we should be soul mates. Yeah. Too soon. We chatted a lot, called each other, video chat, and then the one visit just wasn't enough. I want to have someone I could have in bed with me, someone to hug and cuddle, cry on his shoulder when I'm sad or down from the depression I suffer and maybe have fun under the sheets. So I broke up with him. A week before the breakup I went to a local furcon. I meet a kind and caring fur who I really hit it off. I was happy I made a friend. After the breakup I was invited to his place to relax and get away from the pain and the base area. He said as I was leaving his place that me and him should be mates. I was quiet and shocked by the offer. He said it was because I was very kind, sweet, generous, American and liked the idea of me gaining. His last relationship ended with his mate cheating on him and could tell I wouldn't do that ever. I told him I was taking a break from love for awhile and wanted a good friendship for now but he insists we should be mated and said he'll wait on me. After more than a month or more of hanging around with him I was not liking the idea of being a mate with him. He is way too horny, talks way too much, criticizes my driving constantly (I like helpful driving tips since been driving less than a year but constantly?) and makes it so hard to just chill and be myself around him. Doesn't like Babyfur stuff and didn't like a pic I posted about my sona being a baby and diapered. I only can think of him as a friend because he is kind, sweet, loves hugs and cuddles plus his love making makes it hard to dislike him. I'm having a hard time to tell him to look for someone better than me and I feel we aren't compatible together. I am having hard time trying to find love and the perfect soul mate. There are other furs I have crushes on. A dragon gainer friend who we are close and tight with. A furbro who I love but is mated to said dragon gainer. A polar bear in Canada who I plan to meet next year perhaps, gainer and is even flirting the idea of us dating. A large 3 ton fox who has a cute fursona and is such a shy sweet heart. A mixed wolf stallion hybrid who is my master and who I am starting to grow a crush on. Also recently an AB/DL jackal who is stuck in diapers due to an accident and wets unconsciously without him knowing so I have grown attached to him even thou he is mated to a sailor with both having an open relationship. I am so afraid to ask any of them on dates except the furbro. I hate to say I really really love that gainer dragon that's mated and the jackal pup. So my question is thru all this long text is how do I really know if I am in love LOVE with any of them? Is it just cause I role play Yiff with some of them and can't distinguish love? I just love idea of how amazing there fursonas look and not the real them? Please lend me some help Papabear. I don't want to feel so confused anymore. With kind regards, A lonely Gonzato P.S. I'm sorry for the long text but just got so much on my mind and thought you would want as much info as possible to get an idea about me and my situation. * * * Dear Gonzato, Pascal said, "The heart has it's reasons that reason does not know." How do we come to love another person? And can we only love one person with all our heart, excluding all others? Papabear believes that all people are capable of love, but that some have a greater capacity for love than others. You are wise to be cautious about whom you pick. You clearly can’t be with the guy who hates babyfurs since that is so much a part of your personality. Also, the way he treats you isn’t so hot, so I would say you are correct to bid him good-bye. Based on your letter, a lot of your attraction to potential mates seems based on if they like gainers, are gainers, or are babyfurs, or have really cool fursonas. While physical attraction is an important part of any relationship, it is not the only root of real love. Many people mistake physical attraction for love. You must know that, since you are rejecting a guy you were attracted to because your personalities don’t mesh. To get at the heart of love, you need to dig deeper than the surface. That is more than just “being sweet.” A lot of people are sweet and kind, but have a lot of other characteristics that make them hard to live with. Another complicating factor in all of this is that it is possible to love more than one person in one’s lifetime. Papabear is not one to believe in “soul mates.” If it were true that there were only one person in the entire world for you, then why do so many find love again after the death of a spouse? Deep, meaningful love evolves over time. It starts with a physical attraction, where you find a certain “spark” in the other person; then, after a certain trial and error period like the one you are going through, you “try out” several people, usually (unless you get an arranged marriage), until you find someone you are compatible with, someone who shares some of your qualities and interests, but not necessarily all of them. The first couple years of a serious relationship are crucial. This is when you are likely to have some conflict and, depending on who is involved in the relationship/marriage, you either survive them and grow together, or the union is split apart. This is how it was with my first marriage. It was quite rocky at the beginning, but with time it mellowed considerably into something quite wonderful. The next critical period typically comes around middle age. By this time, people have often grown and changed. With heterosexual couples, trouble can often start after the children have grown and moved away and the husband and wife look at each other and realize the main reason they stayed together was for the kids. Or perhaps they have developed other interests in careers or other life goals and the mate who once was so perfect no longer is such. Or, as in Papabear’s case, a real life-changing event happens that causes the couple to no longer be suited for each other. Statistics show that only about half—or by now perhaps even fewer—of mated couples stick together until death do they part. One such couple is my mate, Yogi’s parents who, even as I type this letter, are celebrating their 63rd wedding anniversary. They were married in 1949, a very different time compared to today. Their marriage has not been perfect, but they have had the strength to remain committed to each other no matter what, and that is a beautiful thing. Is it “true love”? Or is it just a matter of their being used to each other? Honestly, it is hard to say. I’m sure they love each other, but this is not like Cinderella or The Little Mermaid. It is a real world love, warts and all. I guess to answer your question as to how one knows you’re really in love would garner a sort of unromantic response from Papabear: you are really in love when you know you will stick by your mate, even when they are not perfect, don’t always make you happy, and maybe might even be a burden to you, but you still stay with them because you care with all your heart for their well-being. That’s when you’re in love. Papabear Hi there papa bear, it's good to see you again.
My question today is a pretty normal one. I graduated from high school and I've been accepted into this college. I'm a little nervous to go because I'll be away from my mom and on my own for the first time. I kind of think to myself, am I ready for this? I guess my question is this, what is the best way to prepare myself for college and being away from home? Kageichi * * * Dear Kageichi, Other than the obvious “Are you intellectually prepared for college?” question, there are two aspects of your first time being on your own: practical and emotional. On the practical side, Papabear hopes you can do things to take care of yourself, including having your own bank account and knowing how to manage your finances, doing your own laundry, taking care of a car if you have one, being sure you are disciplined enough to study on your own without your family telling you to do your homework, etc. While Papabear doesn’t want to be a fuddy duddy, still, you need to be smart: don’t do like many do and treat this as a vacation from responsibility, drinking and partying and playing video games and forgetting that you are there to get an education and a degree. Then there is the emotional side. You are off on your own without family to be there when you need a hug or comforting word. You will need to build a social circle around you for support in this area. The people who have the best time in college are the ones who develop a new network of friends, many of whom can last you a lifetime. For many, going to college is a rite of passage into adulthood. If the above works for you, Kageichi, you will do just fine. Bear Hugs, Papabear Hello Papabear,
This is my first time writing to you and thought it would be a good way to help with current turmoil that I am going through in my life. The past school semester I told my mate that my stepfather had raped me when I was only 15, I am 20 now and the following happened after that night. He told my mother, with my blessing, what happened to me 5 years ago and through a teary phone call she finally decides to divorce my father. Upon moving back home for the summer my stepfather openly shows aggression over my failed semester, demeaning me through shouting and profanity, taking away my house keys and kicking me out of the house when no one is home. It was to a point that I was scared for my life for when my father gets served the papers. I spoke with my mother of my fears and asked to live with my mate for a couple of days for when he cools down. After said time I get a phone call that I’m not even allowed to come home until the divorce is settled, orders of my father. So now its been 4 months and he’s destroyed my sisters bedroom and was arrested, yet my mother bails him out and after my visit to drop off two kittens I had saved from the streets and adopted for her to take care of until we move to a pet friendly environment, lets him back in the house and even though she promised to take care of them, she lets him take my kittens away to an animal shelter behind my back. I'm still recovering from that heartache of my lost kittens that I've cared and invested over 600$ on them in vet bills and surgery. Currently I'm still living with my mate who is, so far providing my missing emotional and financial support, he works hard and I love him so, but I cant help but feel like a burden to him. He seems to be the only one I can trust anymore. My question to you is, are there better times ahead even for one like me or are things going to continue going down hill? Accalia * * * Dear Accalia, I predict your life will improve, but only if you are able to cut this man completely out of your life, as well as from your mother’s. Do not go to this house (unless it is to rescue your mom) at all. Stay away from this piece of human filth. Okay a number of thins to cover here. First of all, your mother needs to get away from this man, if at all possible, even before any divorce papers are served, especially since your stepfather seems unstable and violent. She needs to contact a relative or friend and move in with them. Period. If he gets nasty, she can file a restraining order. Your mother is exhibiting some classic codependent traits, such as continuing to help this man (bailing him out, obeying his wishes to get rid of the cats) even though he has been violent to both you and your sister. You need to try and pull as many family members into this as possible so you can work together to convince her to get away from this criminal and loser as soon as possible. Both you and your mom need to seek attorneys: she for the divorce (I guess she has done this?), and you to explore litigation against him for raping you (there is no statute of limitations on rape, so you can still sue him). It is good you have some support from your mom (she needs to be more on your side, though) and mate, but you might also consider some counseling. Start researching lawyers, looking for those who offer free initial consultations and are willing to take a percentage of settlements as payment. It sounds like your sister might need to do some of the above, too. You only mention her in passing, but sounds like she is at risk as well. Speaking of your mate, I’m glad you have someone supportive in your life. Don’t feel guilty about staying with him. That is what mates are for. But do try and do whatever you can to help him. If you can’t work or help financially, then cook him meals, clean his apartment, run his errands and do what you can to make his life easier. I’m so sorry about your cats, but it just proves my point that you should in no shape or form have anything to do with your stepfather. Don’t talk to him, don’t see him, don’t go in the house where he lives, even if he is not there. Stay with your mate and work on litigation against him. Papabear hopes you and your mother will be okay, and I hope you can convince her to get out NOW. Not tomorrow, not next week, NOW. Once you press the Delete button on his ass, your life will improve immeasurably. Be safe. Bear hugs. Papabear |
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