A Poly-amorous Circle Too Tangled to Untie

So I'm in a poly-amorous relationship, I love both my mates very much but there's a bit of a complication. In the time my first mate and I had to move back to our respective "home" states we had talked less and less. While we were apart we both 'found' a replacement of sorts. I was talking to a fur in PA rather frequently through text and online. We developed an emotional bond and a mutual attraction for one another. The fur I know in PA also has a mate, which is where things get complicated.

My 1st mate who was in his home state found someone in real life as well, but their relationship wasn't online. It was face to face and often in the same space. The guy my mate met after much discussion became my second mate after a lot of deliberation and talking to one another on FB and through text and on the phone and such. I love the boy as much as I love my first mate, they would both pull the moon from the sky for me if I asked them too. 

But I'm really torn, I love the guy in PA... He's done so much for me and I would probably be homeless at this moment if it weren't for all the help he'd given me in the form of cash assistance and the emotional support that he had created for me and I for him....

But now my mates both talk to me on a nearly daily basis and we were 'open' to a point, but recent events led me to closing the relationship... I don't want to exclude the guy from PA, we had talked about hooking up someday in the future... I don't want to close the relationship and then say "Oh sorry I love you but all those plans you have are going up in smoke." Because I know that's how it'll go down and how bad it will hurt him...

Do you think that you can come up with advice that would keep my relationship with my mates and the guy in PA intact? I'd like to not burn any bridges or take sides in all of this I really just want to find a happy medium in all of this. 

Lelouch Utsukukitsu Valentyne

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Hi, Lelouch,

Okay, lemme see if Papabear has this straight. You fell in love with a guy who then moved out of state and got his own mate. Meanwhile, you also fell in love with someone else and this other guy is in Pennsylvania and also has a mate. While you were getting close to the PA guy, he sent you money so you wouldn’t be homeless and gave you other emotional support. In addition, you have fallen in love with your first mate’s mate, which means you now love three people—I guess everyone except the PA person’s mate? Of all these people, too, the only one you have met IRL is the first mate.

Papabear’s first instinct is to say you might be tossing around the word “love” a little too freely. Furthermore, as I’ve said before, a virtual relationship is not the same as one in which you know the person in real space and time. None of these people live near you, and you don’t mention that you have any intention of moving yourself to be closer to any of them. If you don’t plan on being in the same state with any of these people, then any notion of having a real loving relationship with them is a fallacy.

Here’s what you do. 1) Pay back the guy in Pennsylvania what you owe him, making sure to thank him profusely for his kindness. 2) Downgrade all three relationships to friendships, explaining that you care for them but that circumstances prevent you from having a committed relationship. 3) Start looking for that someone special in your life who can easily be in the same room with you.

Papabear is not against polyamorous relationships per se. Sometimes they can work if all parties are in agreement as to the terms and conditions and are within at least easy driving distance. But having three lovers split between two states and one in a relationship with a person you are not interested in is, well, a complete mess. And “not taking sides” is not an option. You are heavily involved in this and you can’t just be neutral.

It’s time, Lelouch, to get your love life in order and to be a little more realistic as to what is possible and what is not feasible. Simplify things and you will be much happier.

Good luck,

Papabear

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I failed to mention this but my first mate, who lives with the 2nd mate plans to move in with me come early winter. The both of them plan on it.  

Lelouch Utsukukitsu Valentyne 

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[Note to readers: here's a great example of why it is important to include all relevant information in your letters; different information engenders different replies.]

Lelouch,

Okay, well, that is very important! So, the three of you, then, are all okay with being mates? And then the only issue being your guy in PA? I would say, then, you need to have a heart-to-heat with the PA mate. Tell him directly what is going on with your life and that you care about him and want to know how he stands on your relationship given the fact that you have these two mates? It sounds like he might be open to polyamory, too, given that he has become close to you while also having a mate. Does that sound right? Oh! And, if you haven't already, make sure you tell your other two mates about the PA guy. As long as everyone is informed about what is going on and is agreeable to it, you don't have a problem. BUT! if the PA furry has a problem with your relationship with the other two, you are going to have to end that relationship in terms of being amorous (shouldn't be difficult, as you have not had sex) and, if possible, be friends. You should also do the honorable thing and try and pay him back the money he gave you.

Make sense?

Hugs,
Papabear