When Are You in Love?

Dear Papabear,

I have a concern I have about love. I'm 23 years old, serving in the US Air Force for 6 years with 3 years left, stationed in a RAF base here in England until Feb 2013, pretty sure I'm gay since I prefer guys over girls and feel more comfortable with them, been a furry for over a year and like strange fetishes I'm afraid might come across as weird to any future mate I might have dreams or fantasies of. Ex. AB/DL, gainer.

Had an online relationship that I felt was a legitimate relationship with a nice guy for a year. He was also my master and showed me many firsts since he was my first love and never dated before. So pretty much a virgin to love. I could feel doubt within myself thou after meeting him IRL for the first time. It was wonderful. Sadly he wanted me to stay in the States and not stay overseas since its so hard being together and long distance relationships. Being in the Air Force I can travel to many places that would cost the average person thousands of dollars compared to me only paying a few hundred if I look in the right place. I had jumped the gun on him and only after knowing him for a month he said we should be soul mates. Yeah. Too soon. We chatted a lot, called each other, video chat, and then the one visit just wasn't enough. I want to have someone I could have in bed with me, someone to hug and cuddle, cry on his shoulder when I'm sad or down from the depression I suffer and maybe have fun under the sheets. So I broke up with him.

A week before the breakup I went to a local furcon. I meet a kind and caring fur who I really hit it off. I was happy I made a friend. After the breakup I was invited to his place to relax and get away from the pain and the base area. He said as I was leaving his place that me and him should be mates. I was quiet and shocked by the offer. He said it was because I was very kind, sweet, generous, American and liked the idea of me gaining. His last relationship ended with his mate cheating on him and could tell I wouldn't do that ever. I told him I was taking a break from love for awhile and wanted a good friendship for now but he insists we should be mated and said he'll wait on me. After more than a month or more of hanging around with him I was not liking the idea of being a mate with him. He is way too horny, talks way too much, criticizes my driving constantly (I like helpful driving tips since been driving less than a year but constantly?) and makes it so hard to just chill and be myself around him. Doesn't like Babyfur stuff and didn't like a pic I posted about my sona being a baby and diapered. I only can think of him as a friend because he is kind, sweet, loves hugs and cuddles plus his love making makes it hard to dislike him.

I'm having a hard time to tell him to look for someone better than me and I feel we aren't compatible together. I am having hard time trying to find love and the perfect soul mate. There are other furs I have crushes on. A dragon gainer friend who we are close and tight with. A furbro who I love but is mated to said dragon gainer. A polar bear in Canada who I plan to meet next year perhaps, gainer and is even flirting the idea of us dating. A large 3 ton fox who has a cute fursona and is such a shy sweet heart. A mixed wolf stallion hybrid who is my master and who I am starting to grow a crush on. Also recently an AB/DL jackal who is stuck in diapers due to an accident and wets unconsciously without him knowing so I have grown attached to him even thou he is mated to a sailor with both having an open relationship. I am so afraid to ask any of them on dates except the furbro. I hate to say I really really love that gainer dragon that's mated and the jackal pup. So my question is thru all this long text is how do I really know if I am in love LOVE with any of them? Is it just cause I role play Yiff with some of them and can't distinguish love? I just love idea of how amazing there fursonas look and not the real them? Please lend me some help Papabear. I don't want to feel so confused anymore.

With kind regards,
A lonely Gonzato

P.S. I'm sorry for the long text but just got so much on my mind and thought you would want as much info as possible to get an idea about me and my situation.

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Dear Gonzato,

Pascal said, "The heart has it's reasons that reason does not know." How do we come to love another person? And can we only love one person with all our heart, excluding all others? Papabear believes that all people are capable of love, but that some have a greater capacity for love than others.

You are wise to be cautious about whom you pick. You clearly can’t be with the guy who hates babyfurs since that is so much a part of your personality. Also, the way he treats you isn’t so hot, so I would say you are correct to bid him good-bye.

Based on your letter, a lot of your attraction to potential mates seems based on if they like gainers, are gainers, or are babyfurs, or have really cool fursonas. While physical attraction is an important part of any relationship, it is not the only root of real love.

Many people mistake physical attraction for love. You must know that, since you are rejecting a guy you were attracted to because your personalities don’t mesh. To get at the heart of love, you need to dig deeper than the surface. That is more than just “being sweet.” A lot of people are sweet and kind, but have a lot of other characteristics that make them hard to live with.

Another complicating factor in all of this is that it is possible to love more than one person in one’s lifetime. Papabear is not one to believe in “soul mates.” If it were true that there were only one person in the entire world for you, then why do so many find love again after the death of a spouse?

Deep, meaningful love evolves over time. It starts with a physical attraction, where you find a certain “spark” in the other person; then, after a certain trial and error period like the one you are going through, you “try out” several people, usually (unless you get an arranged marriage), until you find someone you are compatible with, someone who shares some of your qualities and interests, but not necessarily all of them. The first couple years of a serious relationship are crucial. This is when you are likely to have some conflict and, depending on who is involved in the relationship/marriage, you either survive them and grow together, or the union is split apart. This is how it was with my first marriage. It was quite rocky at the beginning, but with time it mellowed considerably into something quite wonderful.

The next critical period typically comes around middle age. By this time, people have often grown and changed. With heterosexual couples, trouble can often start after the children have grown and moved away and the husband and wife look at each other and realize the main reason they stayed together was for the kids. Or perhaps they have developed other interests in careers or other life goals and the mate who once was so perfect no longer is such. Or, as in Papabear’s case, a real life-changing event happens that causes the couple to no longer be suited for each other.

Statistics show that only about half—or by now perhaps even fewer—of mated couples stick together until death do they part. One such couple is my mate, Yogi’s parents who, even as I type this letter, are celebrating their 63rd wedding anniversary. They were married in 1949, a very different time compared to today. Their marriage has not been perfect, but they have had the strength to remain committed to each other no matter what, and that is a beautiful thing. Is it “true love”? Or is it just a matter of their being used to each other? Honestly, it is hard to say. I’m sure they love each other, but this is not like Cinderella or The Little Mermaid. It is a real world love, warts and all.

I guess to answer your question as to how one knows you’re really in love would garner a sort of unromantic response from Papabear: you are really in love when you know you will stick by your mate, even when they are not perfect, don’t always make you happy, and maybe might even be a burden to you, but you still stay with them because you care with all your heart for their well-being.

That’s when you’re in love.

Papabear