Dear Papabear,
How are you? I found your website while browsing the internet searching for a solution to my problem, and from what I can gather, you seem to be the right person to assist me. I have been a furry for many years now. I often participated in furry events and was also a member of several furry websites, including FurAffinity. I have always used a cat fursona, as cats are some of my favourite animals and I related to them in many ways, especially when it comes to hygiene, considering that I am somewhat obsessed with cleanliness. However, after an unexpected incident drove me to back away from the Furry Fandom for many years, my personality changed drastically. Now I finally feel ready to return, and have planned the whole process like a military operation. It might be a bit exaggerated, I admit, but I want to make sure that everything goes according to plan. The only problem I have found, however, is of paramount importance in this ordeal: I am having doubts about my fursona! Finding an adequate fursona is a central piece in my comeback. While I am fully aware that a fursona is meant to be created out of fun rather than duty, I absolutely need to feel that my fursona's personality reflects my own. This is why it has been so difficult to find the adequate animal to represent me. I have tried to answer multiple tests online and find the right animal for me, all to no avail. I obtained several different results, such as cat, fox, beaver, wolf and even elephant. I relate to foxes much more nowadays, but I still feel like I 'am not worthy' of being one. That my personality does not appear to be that of a fox's, not to mention that a fox is more of a canine rather than a feline, and I have always harbored some contempt towards canines, seeing then as 'dirty', although I myself cannot explain why. In order to find my animal, I will try and explain my personality so that perhaps you can help me find out what animal better suits me: I am a loner, as I prefer to stay alone. However, I sympathize with others, and others often see me as kind, organised and very intelligent, if somewhat distant and unable to relax, for I am always too focused on maintaining a serious appearance. I am not a leader. If I were to lead, I would use someone to be a front and to carry out my will, so that if my ideas were to ever draw out enemies, they would focus on him and not me. I favour intelligence over brute force. I myself am not what you would call physically intimidating. My strength resides on my ability to speak and to bend words and sentences to my will. Therefore I love to debate, and I often win. But I can hold my own in a fight nonetheless, and am stronger that I appear. I am a epicurist. I do not seek great thrills or adventures, but rather find pleasure in normal and reasonable activities. However, normality somewhat bores me, as I find myself wishing that the superheroes that we often see on TV where real. I am a romantic man, and prefer to maintain a classical approach towards love. I am not violent, but if I am physically harmed, I will defend myself, and to my disappointment, I find pleasure in punishing those who have wronged me. A sadistic side of my personality, if you will. I am also an open-minded person. I have done volunteer work before, and love animals. I also enjoy helping others. That is all that I can recall. Considering all that I have written here, what animal do you think I should represent myself as? Thank you for your help, and have a nice day. Best wishes, Anonymous Entity (age 21) * * * Dear Anonymous, It is my belief that picking a fursona is a very personal endeavor, and, therefore, one to be pursued alone. I have written on the topic of choosing one a number of times in this column, and, if you would like to learn more, simply go to the Ask Papabear Letters page and select fursonas under Categories and it will give you several useful hits. Be that as it may, I thought it would be fun to try and pick a fursona for you as an amusing mental exercise. Reading about your qualities, I have selected one: Crow. Here’s why: 1. You value intelligence, and the crow, a member of the Corvid family, which includes jays, is extremely intelligent. I’ve seen videos where a crow has fashioned a hook out of a bit of wire in order to fish out a piece of food from a bottle. Crows figured out, too, how to use cars to crush nuts for them, and they have mastered the duffle bag zipper, among other accomplishments. 2. You are a loner: While crows can flock into a “murder” of their kind, they are very independent souls as well. 3. You’re a romantic: Crows mate for life, and they have quite a romantic display when they are courting involving formal bows and mutual preening, which I find charming. 4. While you have your independent side, you are also charitable and like to volunteer: Crows will work together for protection. Gathering in small groups of perhaps a half dozen or so, several crows will feed on the ground while one or two others keep watch for dangers. They then rotate duties. 5. Generally nonviolent, you can be fierce: Crows don’t go looking for fights, but they will chase off fierce raptors such as hawks and owls. 6. They’re clean: while not too picky about their food, eating everything from seeds and insects to carrion, crows have been seen washing their food. Although some scientists speculate they are just softening the food a bit for eating, many others believe crows are a bit fastidious. 7. You like some normalcy in your life: Crows have regular fixed routes for flying about to feeding areas and then back to roost each day, so they do like their routines. 8. But you also have an adventurous side and like stories of superheroes: Crows enjoy a rich presence throughout human mythology. To the Greeks, the Crow was a creature of prophecy and was associated with Apollo. In the Mabinogian the Crow is a harbinger of death. In Celtic myths, the Crow was associated with the warrior goddess Morrighan. In the Eddas, two crows serve as Odin’s spies. 9. Your tongue as weapon: And, of course, the Crow appears in many Native American stories as a clever trickster on a par with Coyote. Your ability to “speak and bend words” goes perfectly with the clever Crow of these tales. So, if I were to pick for you, I’d pick Crow. However, what I think is completely irrelevant. Perhaps, though, you can learn a bit from my method of reasoning this out and emulate that to select your fursona. Remember not to stress out about it. It will come to you eventually. Hugs, Papabear
3 Comments
Dear Papabear,
I really appreciate the support and advice you are giving to many people that are facing difficult times. I’m a 24-year-old Italian guy and time ago I realized I was bisexual… but mostly attracted to men. I’m still in the closet and I want to ask for your advice because I’m becoming increasingly anxious. A part of me urges to come out but I know it’s not safe yet: I’ve never been in a relationship and haven’t yet come to terms with my sexuality. More importantly, I’m still economically dependent on my family and the moment I’ll be able to live by myself seems so far away. My family is caring and supportive, but judgmental towards others’ sexuality, in particular on homosexuality (they are Catholics), my parents having even worked with associations in support of “traditional family”. They say they love me the way I am, but I don’t know if they would still feel this way if they knew their son is homosexual. I still love my family but I feel hurt when they make a joke or have something negative to say about homosexuals, not knowing I’m one of them. I feel that we are growing distant. I’ve actually reached a point in which I am uneasy when at home with them. I had to ask them not to question me continuously about girls. I find difficult to study and go through everyday tasks, my performance at university worsening. Even if they would still accept me as a person, I know they wouldn’t accept my homosexuality because it would mean going against their religion. I guess it was already hard for them when, years ago, I told them I was agnostic. I don’t know if I have the right to hurt my family further by coming out gay. Sometimes I feel like a burden to them, I often think that I’m making them worry for my soul. It’s not helping that I’m struggling with my bisexuality, It’s like I am constantly asked to make a choice. Be with a man, and face rejection from family and people around you... be with a girl and risk being in an unhappy relationship because you still experience a stronger desire for men. I think this is the main reason I feared being in a relationship, together with the fact I’ve only dated girls that were religious and/or somewhat judgmental towards homosexuals. My brother told me that for a period my mother suspected I was gay. I don't know if that is good. They noticed that something is not right with me lately. They think it’s because I’m going slow in my studies and because I don’t have a girlfriend, which they say it’s because I’m too unsecure. Instead, I’m aching because I’m still not telling them the truth and I feel we are being pulled apart. Is there something I can do to better manage this emotional pressure while still being in the closet at my age? Thank you so much for caring and reading through this long letter, Yours Sincerely, Distant Dragon * * * Dear Dragon, I sympathize and empathize with your difficult situation. It sounds as if you may have read some of my previous letters, because you make the observation that it’s not a great ideal to come out to parents who still hold the financial strings if you feel they will disapprove strongly and possibly leave you without means of support. On the other hand, you’re 24. Not sure why financial independence is so far off for you, but if I were you I would make that my top and immediate priority. But let’s talk more about your parents and the Catholic Church. While I was raised Southern Baptist, I have familiarized myself a bit with Catholicism and have a lapsed-Catholic husband. I believe that many people misinterpret what the Church’s official view of homosexuality is. While there are some things that are definitely prohibited when it comes to homosexuals (specifically, the Church sees the holy sacrament of marriage as being only between a man and a woman), the Church does not hate homosexuals. Even Pope Francis said not too long ago that he does not judge homosexuals and neither should other people. That is for God to do. This article by Christina Mead, I believe, is a pretty good representation of the Catholic position. The anxious feelings you have are generated by the tension between the real you and the mask you are wearing daily around your family. I had that for four years before coming out to my now-ex wife. It was a miserable time. The good news is that your parents seem like caring and loving people. They may be a bit misguided by social pressures (especially in a country like Italy, which has a bit of a machismo culture), but if you prepare yourself well enough to answer their questions and allay their fears, you should be okay, I sense. A couple things you can do. 1) I suggest reading this helpful booklet (the booklet is geared toward Americans—sorry, I don’t know of an Italian source) and 2) talk to your priest about this in confessional. This in itself will lift a huge weight off your shoulders, since you’ll be able to talk about being homosexual while knowing that the conversation is confidential. Now, during confession, the priest might ask if you can continue the conversation outside of confessional. This might be a good idea, if things are going well. If you and your priest have a good relationship, I suggest, when the time comes, you approach your parents together. You probably recognize, as well, that your parents are trying to think of what is best for their son. They worry about health issues (HIV etc., even though you can get these from women just as easily as men) and perhaps legal issues. Gay people do have legal protections in Italy. You can’t be discriminated against; however, same-sex couples in Italy do not have the same rights as straight couples when it comes to shared property, inheritance, and social welfare programs. Making yourself aware of your rights in your country is always a wise path, and you can use this knowledge to address questions your parents have, too. You will only find your real happiness by allowing yourself to come out and be yourself. The timing and how you do it will be up to you. The best thing to do is prepare yourself as best you can, educate yourself, and, if possible, find allies to support you when you do come out to your family. Bear Hugs, Papabear Hi Papa Bear. I must first admit that I really like what you are doing. To answer so many questions for so many people and don't ask to be paid for that is something that should be really cherished by people and you deserve all my respect for doing so. Second, I want to mention that I am native French. So if you find out that my English is partly screw-up, you will know why :) Okie, so I must start my to explain my situation before asking my question out! I fell in very deep love two times before. I am out of these now and am now working on my third crush since some months ago. But, I noticed something about myself: when I am in love with someone, I feel like all the world is vanishing around me. I cannot forget about the one I am in love with, never. no matter where I am and no matter what I do, the one I am in love with will be stuck in my head and I can hear my subcouncious constantly repeating his name again and again. Another point I've found out about me, when I am in love, is how much I can give for that person. I would be ready to sacrifice my life for the one I love and no matter what. No mistake here! I would not commit suicide for someone, but I would gladly give a hell to make sure the one I love is alright and have what he needs to have. It is the way I am in my relationship and with my lover. I just cannot act otherwise, it is stronger than myself; this constant feeling of me wanting to be the best boyfriend this person can have. To give this person all the love he can want and need to get. To give this person all the support he need and want also. I just... I always want my lover to be happy. It is my biggest drive in life and also a big goal I want to reach one day: to be not far the perfect lover someone can have. Since, I want to become the perfect lover someone can have and as off now, for the one I am in love with, I started to wonder about how I could become a better person and also to learn to appreciate myself more. I believe that if I can find the way to appreciate my own self, then I'll be able to give a better picture of myself to my lover and also to show him that I care to be someone he definitly will love and be able to count onto under any good or bad time. I even started to try to be more funny and talkative with others (I use to be not far asocial before). I also started to work my body out, so I can be in a better shape and look better to my mate. I also learned to cook healthy foods instead of relying onto frosty frozen pizza and stuffs like this every damn days. All of this, to make sure I can be the best he can have. A last point I would like to mention about, is how much I feel the need to expose my relationship to other people. If you would go to my page on FA, I mean about my lover praticly everywhere. It is not because I am obsessed by him. I just cannot think about myself being in love with someone who love's me back too without telling anyone about it. So I spread the words wherever I can and show it off to anyone I can. I don't understand why some people get pissed off at me because I mean that much about my lover. I really once got one furry who litteraly got pissed off at me claiming I was showing off my relationship in the face of everyone. Lol, it is not under bad purpose I do that. My lover is the best thing I feel I can have. I cherish that person and feel God blessed to have him with me. It is my everything and my pride. And what people likes to do about their pride usually? In my though, it is to show it off to other, because your pride is suppose to be what you are the most proud about and so you want others to know about it. No obsession here, only simple pride about what makes me be one of the most happy man in the world ^^ Well, that was a long story I guess. Sorry about that. I use to write stories since my very young age, so to write a lot of details, even useless one is pretty much myself (like I do now). Anyways... My question about all of this is mainly "Does anyone else feels like I feel when they are in love and have a boyfriend or girlfriend to love and cherish?" Or am I simply an obsessed freak who is too much into his lover and such? Anyone who could comment about this would be really appreciated by me. Pierre-André Roy (age 26) * * * Mon Cher Pierre-André, There are a lot of women reading this right now, I would wager, who wish you were straight. Mon Dieu! You are such a lovely example of the French romantic! Since you are a furry, I am picturing you as Pepé Le Pew right now, pardonez moi. There is certainly nothing wrong with you. You are a delight! And the people who chastise you for posting about your lover on the furry sites are simply jealous. Don’t worry about them. I am wondering about the fact that you are on your “third crush since some months ago.” Crush usually means, in America, that you are enamored by someone but that it is not really a deep love. I think that might not be the word you meant. And you’ve had three lovers in just a few months? Are you scaring them off with your overenthusiastic ways? I would caution you that a lot of people can’t handle the overzealousness of a très romantique Frenchman, and something like this might happen. Not because you did something wrong, but just that many people do not have the self-esteem to believe they deserve such positive attention. So, when you are choosing someone you feel is boyfriend material, be cautious. Find someone who is self-confident and returns your affections with comparable élan.
It might be that your youthful romanticism will fade with age. I hope not, but if it does, all the more reason to enjoy it now. I’m sure there are others out there who have romantique hearts who can contribute to this conversation. Readers? Wishing You Love, Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
So I just read your conversation with Lucian the Wolf and noticed you said you have multiple personalities.... I don't know if you meant that or if it was a joke, but I do and well I need some advice. My other personality ... her name is Jade and she scares me ... a lot. That's not really my problem though; my problem is I don't know whether or not to tell my mom about her because I'm afraid she won't believe me.... Jade isn't a problem for me unless she does something to mess with my life, which she doesn't really ever do.... You are one of the few people I have opened up to about this only because I need help and you seem like the kind of person who can.... Thanks. Sincerely, Anonymous * * * Hi, Anonymous, Well, it was actually a joke in that case, but what you're experiencing is not a joke. Have you approached a professional psychologist about this? Papabear * * * No... the only reason is because it isn't that bad of a case... * * * Hi, again, Even so, it is something you should consider, especially since you said that Jade "scares" you, which is not good. In the meantime, in order to help you (and, remember, I am not a trained psychologist or psychiatrist), please tell me more about your situation. When did you first start hearing from Jade? Under what circumstances does she make an appearance? You seem to indicate, in one line, that she can cause trouble, but in the next you say she doesn't. I need more examples of what is happening. Can you control Jade at all? Or is she beyond your control. Does she have an appearance or is she just a voice? Papabear * * * Papabear, Jade does scare me but it's only cause she didn't start doing things until I was in 6th grade and I'm not used to it.... Usually she comes out when I'm being harmed or if I get really angry, hurt, stressed, etc. She does cause trouble but it's nothing I can't hide. Depending on the circumstances I usually can control her, but sometimes she controls me. And I can tell you this that I know.... she is definitely NOT just a voice.... * * * Could you tell me about your family, school, and social life? * * * Well my parents are divorced and I have been through a few stepmoms who always made my dad beat me.... Also he kept me and my real brother from our mom until I was like 6. When I was in elementary school everything was fine, but then I was transferred and at a new school when I went into 5th grade.... I was ignored most of that year and also bullied.... The bullying didn't stop there, though. All through middle school I was bullied with very few friends. In 8th grade I was pushed to the point that I was ready to commit suicide. Things at home had gotten better especially after my dad met his new wife. But now since my dad can't hit me physically he does it emotionally, along with the rest of my family. Well, all except my real mom. In 9th grade I fell in love with someone but he moved shortly after and I haven't heard from him since. Currently, I am living with my mom now and will be going to a new school this year and I am terrified.... I have a bf who will be going to the same school, though, so I will be okay. I have told him about Jade, especially after he met her. He accepts me and still loves me all the same, which I find is a very good thing for me. * * * Thanks for confirming what I suspected: you've had a traumatic childhood and have been abused and bullied. It therefore makes sense that Jade has appeared. Jade is an aspect of your own spirit, and she appears in order to try to protect you, especially when you are angry or hurt. Sometimes, when the hurt is bearable, you can control her; other times, when it is worse, you can't control her, I would suspect. Trying to control the symptom of your problem (Jade) will not work in getting her to go away. You need to treat the cause of the problem, which is the abuse you are getting. Once you have stabilized your life and gained control of your own destiny, and once you have eliminated abusive, negative people in your life and have managed to surround yourself with loving, caring people, Jade will disappear. Make sense? Papabear * * * Papabear, It actually makes perfect sense... I don't know why I didn't think of that. Thank you so much. It also explains why she hasn't been out much... Ever since I left my dad's house to visit my mom (that's how it started then I ended up moving in with her) she hasn't appeared more then twice. You have helped me so much thank you a thousand and 41 times... Good Evening, Papabear
My name is Sabrina and I've heard about you from a friend IRL and she told me you can help with problems and this one deals with my brother Kyle. He's going out with a guy named Chris; there's nothing wrong with him and the two of them get along so well. But every time Kyle tries to hug or kiss Chris, Chris seems to shrug away from it. This happened more than once, and Kyle thought he might have done something wrong or was being too pushy. A few weeks later, Kyle found out that Chris doesn't like to be touched by guys because Chris was physically and emotionally abused by his mother's old boyfriends in the past (nothing sexual happened) and that's why that happened, which caused Kyle to hate himself for being too touchy with Chris and shirk away from him so he won't make him feel uncomfortable. What can I do to help my brother, Papabear? I don't want to see him upset nor do I want to see Chris upset either; he became like a brother to me. Love, Sabrina * * * Dear Sabrina, Thanks for your letter. It’s so nice to see a caring sister like you. The first thing you need to do to help your brother is make him understand that nothing about this is his fault. Chris’s problems are not his fault, and the fact that he tried to show Chris affection before understanding Chris’s past is also not your brother’s fault. Tell him Papabear told you that it is not his fault and not to feel bad. Although Chris was not sexually abused, he was physically and emotionally abused and that is just as bad in many ways. Childhood abuse commonly has a negative impact on the abused person’s ability to make friendships and have loving relationships. Many such victims also become abusive, depressed, even suicidal. You and your brother need to form an alliance to help Chris. First, I’d like to recommend a little reading: Adult Children of Abusive Parents by Steven Farmer. You can also read Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward and Craig Buck. You and your brother should both read one or both of these books, then talk about it, and then give the books to Chris to read. Another thing you can do is research local support groups in your area and see if you can get Chris to attend one of them. Again, Step 1: tell your brother he is not to blame; Step 2: learn about the problems adults face when they’ve been abused and try to educate Chris as well; support him emotionally and try to get him some help. Good luck! Papabear Dear Papabear,
I'm an avid reader of your letters and I was wondering if you might be able to help me out. To start, I'm a 21 year old gay male who is currently single and I can't seem to find a way to stop this depressing feeling of loneliness in my life. I've got a great, supporting family and two wonderful groups of friends I've made through high school and college that I see on a semi-regular basis but the thing is, almost everyone of my friends has found a relationship. Even my friend nicknamed "Crazy [Dan]" has found someone. I've managed to get into a relationship twice before, but sadly, they both ended badly (the first made me feel like I was being controlled and the second was so quiet I felt like I couldn't do anything with him). I've thought about trying online sites like E Harmony but searching for someone didn't feel right to me. One of my friends has expressed that she would like me to find someone close by and while I agree with her, I haven't a clue how to start. I mean, I can't just walk up to some guy and ask if he's gay. What can I do to find someone I can feel comfortable sharing my life with? ~Aiden Fox (Michigan) * * * Dear Aiden, Having lived in Michigan for over 20 years, I can tell you that it’s certainly not the best place to be a gay man, but there is some hope there, and I agree with your friend that you should find someone local. First of all, though, I would wager that your first two boyfriends were furries, yes? And were they just online friends? I could be wrong, but if not, I suggest you broaden your scope to all gay—local—men to increase your chances of finding someone. Secondly, you’re right, you just don’t approach someone—usually—and ask if they’re gay and interested in you. What you need to do is find a hang out with those like yourself so you can socialize with gay guys and make friends, some of whom may become more than friends. While there are some gay bars in Michigan, I don’t know about you, but I don’t find those places to be very good for finding potential mates. It’s possible, but I just find bars unpleasant. Instead, I would like to suggest you check out places like The Network’s Men’s Social Group. I believe it’s based in Grand Rapids. The problem is you weren’t specific about what city you were in, but if it’s Grand Rapids, you’re golden. In Detroit—if you like bears ;-)—there’s Motor City Bears. You might also try joining an organization such as Equality Michigan, which has events you can participate in while also getting involved in the political side of the LGBT community. In short, try finding a local gay social network near you. As for dating sites, if the above doesn’t work for you (and dating sites CAN work, so don’t feel weird about it), there are some that are gay-specific, rather than trying EHarmony, such as Compatible Partners, One Good Love (which looks particularly good, I think), and, for the very serious, Gay Marriage. So, that’s what I would recommend for you, Aiden. Try to get some social contact with gay men out in the real world and outside of the bar scene, and maybe give some of these gay dating sites a try. Hope that helps! Don’t give up; you’re only 21! You’ll find love yet! Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
As always, the words "thank you" cannot express how grateful myself and many others are to you for reading our letters and giving us some wise advice. :) I have a shorter but important question today. This came up because relatively recently an online friend of mine has been having a rough time lately. One night, he expressed suicidal thoughts and desires (as I am sure many, if not all of us have felt at one point or another). Unfortunately, he logged off right afterwards, not giving me a chance to talk to him at all. So, naturally I feared the worst. Anyway, he came back online the next day like nothing happened. It just made me think about a lot of things. In person, you can actually /do things/. You can set a suicide watch, call the police, give hugs, all sorts of things. Perhaps this next part sounds a bit selfish of me, but it wouldn't bother me if I didn't care. The internet allows you to, with relative anonymity, dump all your problems and some vague feeling of responsibility onto a stranger and then vanish. If this friend hadn't come back, in a year I would still be wondering if he was still alive, or if I had made a mistake somewhere. It is just a situation where I feel like I do have some sort of responsibility, but very little actual influence over /anything/. I guess there wasn't really a question in there, but what can we do if these sorts of things happen? Can we call the police and say "Hello. I am afraid my friend W******0 means to harm himself"? Braelyn (age 26) * * * Dear Braelyn, This is an important question, and thank you for posing it. The issue here, essentially, is how do you handle a call for help when all you know of the other person is his/her contact name on a social media site or on a chat page. What are your responsibilities in this situation, morally and legally? Legally, you are under no obligation to report them to police, social services, help lines, or whatever. Morally, one should assume that this person is in trouble, even though it is very true (and I have LOTS of personal experience in this area) that there are a lot of drama queens and trolls out there who really aren’t seriously considering suicide and are just looking for attention or, worse, trying to deliberately upset you. Let’s assume, though, as we should, that this is a very real cry for help. The police, obviously, do not have time to track down people on social media, find their contact information, and try to rush out an officer or social worker to a place that is, most likely, not even in the same jurisdiction as you are. You could call one of the many suicide help lines out there, but you would run into the same problem as you would with police. Just for the record and on general principles, here’s a good article to read when you are dealing with a potentially suicidal person: http://psychcentral.com/lib/what-to-do-when-you-think-someone-is-suicidal/0007461. Back to social media. I have a lot of problems with Facebook, but I do approve of them for having this on their website: https://www.facebook.com/help/contact/?id=305410456169423. You can fill in that form, providing the username, and hopefully they can look into it for you. If it is a Twitter account, go to https://support.twitter.com/articles/20170313-dealing-with-self-harm-and-suicide. Wordpress? Read this page: http://en.support.wordpress.com/report-blogs/. Tumblr: Contact the troubled person and send them this link: http://youmatterlifeline.tumblr.com/ FurAffinity: http://www.furaffinity.net/controls/troubletickets/. And, same with other furry sites: try to contact admins. And, in general, you can reply to their IMs and send them this link: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/. After you have taken the trouble to get them some assistance, if they don’t contact you again, then let it go. There is nothing more you can do. If they do contact you and, as in your experience, act as if nothing happened and everything is hunky dory, I would then gently inquire if they are all right. Chances are they will say something like “I was just having a bad day.” If that’s the case, then know you have a drama queen on your hands and keep that in mind for future correspondence. If they say something snarky like, “LOL, got you all worried, didn’t I?” Then you have a troll on your hands and I would block such a person. Hope that answers your question, Braelyn! Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
First off, I would like to say I greatly enjoy reading your column. Now onto my problem. A few days ago, one of my friends (for simplicity's sake, I'll call her "Fox") messaged me and some other friends via Facebook that she met a guy (I'll call him "Lion") and was going on a first date later that day. I found that to be good for her, especially because she had never dated anyone before. Later that day, she messaged us that she had kissed him. That was the first thing that concerned me as it seemed to have happened a bit too quickly. Today "Fox" described behavior from "Lion" that sounded way to soon for the amount of time they had been together and very clingy, including making out and cuddling. If I recall correctly, it happened during only the second date. I warned her about it and to be careful and she assured me she was being careful. Later today, another friend asked her how old "Lion" is. The answer shocked me. "Lion" is 30. "Fox" is 18. Yes, she is a legal adult, but a 12 year age gap, to me, is enormous, especially considering she has never dated before. I must give some background on "Fox." From what I have heard from her before, she does not have a very good home life. As far as I can tell, her parents, who were never married and live apart, are not abusive, but neither are good parents. This includes threatening to not help her pay tuition if she went to community college instead of a university. As to how this relates to "Lion," I believe what she is actually looking for in him is not a boyfriend, but a father figure and an escape from her family. I also believe "Lion" may be getting desperate, although I do not know how many previous relationships he's had, but it would explain the clingy behavior. "Fox" is a good friend of mine and I want to help her. What do you think? Should I pull her aside and tell her my concerns, and if I do, what should I say? Please help, Intalli * * * Dear Intalli, Thanks for the compliment :-3 It’s great that you care about the welfare of your friend, Fox. You could be right in your assessment of the situation. However, you could also be incorrect. When you lace your letter with phrases like “if I recall,” “from what I have heard,” and “as far as I can tell,” we can conclude you are not standing on completely firm ground. Instead of jumping to conclusions, sit down with Fox and—without being fake about it—ask how she’s doing and ask her to tell you more about Lion, and also talk about her and her life. It sounds to Papabear like, although you are friends with Fox, you are not best or close friends. Even close friends should be wary about interfering with other people’s lives, unless they are asked to give advice. You are neither extremely close, nor has Fox asked you for your input, so don’t stick your snout in where it doesn’t belong. What you can do is offer her your (nonjudgmental) ear and be a friend. Also—not that this came up, but I’m covering bases here—do not gossip about Fox and Lion to your other friends. Just because there’s a 12 year age gap between Lion and Fox does not preclude the possibility they are actually in love. I know a number of people who are married who have gaps that large or larger. You shouldn’t leap into an assumption, risking not only their relationship but also your friendship with Fox. There’s a difference between being a friend and being a nosy busybody. Tread lightly. Hugs, Papabear [Warning to My Dear Readers: The following letter has me more upset than almost any letter I have ever received. I am honestly and profoundly disturbed. It has nothing to do with sex or violence, but, rather, with a degree of selfishness I find difficult to comprehend. I try to always see good in people, but am having a hard time with this one.]
[Update August 13, 2014: After you read the original letter, keep reading. I later received emails from a furry that makes me feel a lot better] Hey there, Papabear. How are you? Where to begin? Well, I've been wondering about this for a while. I'm currently staying with my grandmother in hopes of saving up for a new reliable vehicle, for my own place and to live a great stable life by myself. I love her dearly, don't get me wrong, but I feel that she may be taking advantage of me. I'm not trying to make her into a villain or anything, but I'll tell it to you like it is. See, my grandma (who is 62 years old) is quitting her job at the Walmart Supercenter in Ballentine, SC (part of Columbia, SC and nearly an hour away from her house) because she's just "tired" of the work load they are giving her. Granted, she had to work for 6 days a week with 1 day off 3 weeks ago, but still... And she was spending money faster than she was earning them (mainly, because of gas for the most part.) She has been trying to look for another job (or so she says), but jobs are scarce at this point. She doesn't like to work period at times and it seems that she's at the point of her life where she's tired of working all together. I had been living with her rent-free, therefore, I would have to do yard work and clean up behind myself to compensate for that. But recently, she wants me to help out with her bills and house expenses. I can't help but feel that she purposely doesn't want to work and purposely isn't looking for a job (but then again, jobs are scarce nowadays.). And I fear that once she runs out of money, it will lead me to be the breadwinner and pay all the expenses and pay the bills, which could result in me reaching my goals in a much slower rate. My first suspension of her taking advantaging of me was that she used a Sears Credit Card of mine (that I got from a mall) to buy Christmas presents for some of my family members when we were both unemployed (which took place last year). I advised her not to use it. I have no idea why she would do that when she knew we were both out of a job. She's currently paying the bill, but I'm worried that once she's out of money I'm stuck with the bill (when she should be paying for it). Mind you, I don't plan on living in a mobile home in a rural town all my life. Not really my thing. I don't want to stay here longer than necessary. There are times where I have had enough of her antics. That's the type of person she is. It took me a while to figure out her true colors. I didn't find out how she truly is until about 4 months ago. She's the type of woman who would say "Oh! I'm pooped. I'm tired. I can't work like this no more. But it looks like you're going to help me with these bills from now on." with a crooked smile and a little laugh afterwards. You don't know if she's just kidding or if she really means that. If she doesn't work for a long period of time, am I able to kick her out of the house (that she lived in for so long) that I'm paying the bills for by myself? I know the question I asked maybe a silly, ridiculous, and a far-fetched question due to my young age and inexperience in this type of situation, but I just got to know. Anonymous (age 23) * * * Hi, Anonymous I hope you will see the following as a wake-up call for you. Okay, let me get this straight in my head. You are, I assume, working, and your 62-year-old grandmother, who works six days a week at Walmart, allows you to stay in her trailer for free and, so far, all you have done to compensate her is some yard work and the promise to clean up after your own messes. And you resent that she used your Sears card (to buy Christmas presents for the family!) and you think she is plotting to have you live there permanently to support her because, you know, she’s obviously lazy and she’s taking money from you that you want to save for a new car and to get your own place, and you feel her machinations are going to delay your plan to eventually abandon her after she gave you a place to live for free, even though, apparently, you have a paying job? Are you effing kidding me? Are you for real? And you’re asking me if you can kick her out of her house? How would you like to be in your sixties and on your feet all day working for, what, minimum wage at the nastiest store chain in the country? And you don’t believe she can’t find another job? Do you know how hard it is for older people to get work in a country where businesses—although it is technically against the law—discriminate regularly against job seekers over 40? Sounds to me that you are pissed off because you thought you found a sweet deal with your gramma and now it’s going sour on you. Congratulations. Papabear has a very open mind, and I am sympathetic to pretty much any type of belief or behavior I have run across, but this is beyond being tolerated. You win the award for the most ungrateful, selfish, unsympathetic person I have ever come across in my life. I now have a bellyache. I am flabbergasted. I am dumbfounded. I ... I just cannot believe what I just read. You say you love her dearly. I, for one, do not believe you. You want to help your grandmother? Be a grandson, not a user. Maybe see if you can help her find a desk job that will be easier on her feet, and, meanwhile, start paying half the bills. Will this delay your plan. Yes, it will, so what? Not sure how I’ll get through the rest of my day now. I literally feel sick to my stomach. Thanks a lot. Papabear * * * [Updated August 13, 2014] Hey, PapaBear. I apologize for sounding like a jerk or a user. Please, if you can, delete my letter. I was so angry at the time I wrote that letter and my emotions got the best of me. I just don't want a bad reputation. I'm sorry to even send you that letter and I'm glad you were very honest and open minded. I'm not going to hold it against you because it's what I need. -Thanks. I should've not posted it during the time I was angry at her because she accused me of something I didn't do. It was immature on my part. I know this may sound hokey, but I am not a bad person at heart. The reason why I moved in with my grandmother was because I had a short-tempered and abusive father and my mother was somewhat oblivious to that. So, I had to move in with my grandmother to stay way from him. I didn't mean to get you upset, because that's not what I wanted to do. For many years, I've been trying to work on not being selfish and not have people taking advantage of me, which I had let people do to me for so long. I was always shy and never spoke up, just to avoid conflict and just to avoid getting into an argument, because of my hidden low-self esteem. Since, I'm living in her house, I will pay for any expenses that need to be paid [emphasis Papabear's]. It was a wake-up call for me. I know you are disgusted with me, but you have every right to be. * * * Dear Anon, Thank you for writing me. I can understand what is happening here, and I'm glad you wrote. Before I delete the letter, I would like to ask you if we could do a second option: keep the letter, but I will post the emails you just sent me (I can make you more anonymous by changing your name, age etc.) The reason I would like to keep it is that you have just provided an invaluable lesson on the dangers of writing or otherwise corresponding with someone when you are extremely angry. Your follow-up replies will show readers you really aren't a bad person and gain you sympathy. If you still object to this idea, I will delete the letter in full as if it never happened. I wish you well and hope you and your grandmother can get along and love and support one another. Papabear * * * Normally, I would asked for the letter to be deleted. But since, I too, want to show that I'm not the bad person that they think I am and since I trust you, I am ok with you keeping the letter and posting the emails that I sent you. :3 Let me rephrase something: For starters, my mom's husband wasn't all that abusive, he was a little bit abusive ( which is me being generous), stubborn as an ox and has a short temper. Fusses a lot too. We have bumped heads and have gotten into physical fights in the past. So like I said, I moved into my grandmother's to get away from all of that stress. At times, I feel like I'm being used by my grandmother. But you and the individuals that commented on the letter really helped me out and I would like to thank you for that. * * * I wish you luck! Papabear [Note: The following letters were written over the course of several months. I didn't post the first couple because they were rather short, but since the third letter came in and they were all related, I decided to post them here as one letter.]
Dear Papa Bear, I'm a 21 year old male and I have this friend I spend a lot of time with and we have fun together playing games and stuff. We spend so much time together I started to develop feelings for him to the point that I fell for him, let's call him Barry. But when I told Barry about my feelings for him, He told me he likes me like a best friend but he doesn't like me like that and that my feelings for him would fade over time. But they haven't and we've been doing some sexual stuff like sexting and roleplaying online, on some occasions, we kinda he physical on webcam, showing off to one another. I don't know what to do and I feel so confused, I was hoping that maybe you could clear things up and help me out. Lucas * * * Hi, Lucas, Naturally you're confused because Barry is sending you mixed signals. If he really doesn't think of you in "that way," then why is he sexting with you and showing off on cam? Either Barry is not being honest with his own feelings and he really does want you in a more loving way or he is being very cruel to you by teasing you like this and he should stop it. What you need to do is get a straight answer from him, as in, "Barry, if you just want to be friends, then no more sexting and camming, period. But if you want to continue, then be honest with me and say you want a more intimate relationship. You can pick one or the other, not both." Let me know how it goes. Good luck! Papabear * * * Dear Papabear, Thank you for you advice last week, it really helped me out with Barry, but I have another problem, we manage to find some common ground, we decided to be friends (best friends) but we limited our actions to RPing with on another through phone and computer. When he knew I wouldn't give up my feelings for him, he told me that he doesn't mind if I love him like that, it makes me feel horrible thinking that I may have forced my feelings onto him when I told him that I loved him and made me think I screwed things up for us, I thought I may have went too far when I told him I loved him one night just to see if I would get a responds from him, but nothing..... What should I do....? Hugs and kisses Lucas * * * Hi, Lucas, Did you ever see Disney's Aladdin in which Genie tells Aladdin he can grant all kinds of wishes, but one he can't do is make someone fall in love with you? Same thing: you can't make him fall in love with you. It's up to you if you want to stay friends or not. If you feel tortured that you love him and he doesn't love you, it might be too awkward to continue the relationship, but if you feel you can live with it, then do so. You told him your honest feelings. No more you can do. One hope: people do change over time, and he might change his feelings later on, but there are no guarantees. Sorry I can't give you anything more enlightening than this. Hugs. Papabear * * * Dear Papa Bear Remember me? You helped my out before with Barry in the past. I'm so grateful for the advice you gave me last time and ever since then I manage to tell him my true feelings for him and he responded positively to them and feels the same way about me. But I wonder about us being intimate. I want us to be, but the only intimacy we really get is when we role play together online and every time I try to bring it up he either says no and/or says he might as well get offline or too shy about it. Every time I bring up that the closest thing we get to sex is role playing. He tries to say it's our special little thing or tries to get rid of it all together, which doesn't work and ends up with us role playing again. I just want to show him how much I love him and how much he means to me. I guess that makes me some kind of pervert for thinking like that.... So please, Papa Bear, what can I do to show him how much he means to me without scaring him off or ruining what we have. Thank you for you time. Lan (21) * * * Hi, Lan (or Lucas, as it used to be), The following assumes you are able to meet Barry in person and I’m not wasting my time giving you advice on how to have virtual sex online because, to be brutally frankly, that’s just stupid. I’m assuming Barry is about the same age as you, yes? It’s possible he’s still a virgin. If so, he might just be having some anxiety about a first-time experience. For instance, he might be nervous that he’ll disappoint you in bed because of his inexperience. Even if he isn’t a virgin, he could be relatively inexperienced and still nervous about it. Role playing online is always safer, and you can pretend you’re much more adept—and endowed—which would be another issue if he feels he might be physically disappointing to you. And another possibility is that he might have been with girls and this would be his first homoerotic experience, so, in addition to the nervousness about sex, there could also be the nervousness about doing something that most of society considers taboo. Two keys for this lock: 1) never force someone to have sex, of course; if they don’t want to, then it is wrong to try to cajole or push the idea on them; 2) you don’t have to leap into bed and shoot the arrow into the target, so to speak. Start with cuddling and kissing. If that feels comfortable, move to heavy petting. As they say, work your way slowly around the bases and don’t try for a home run the first time at bat. As you do so, remember, you don’t have to steal bases and work your way home in one inning. Take several days, even weeks, or months. Since he is shy or inexperienced or uncomfortable or all three, this could take time, so be patient. It’s okay, too, to occasionally take a step back. Say you move into second base, but he gets nervous again and you have to withdraw to first for a while. That’s okay. If you say you are doing this as an expression of love, then make love to him. There’s a big difference between making love to a partner and having sex. People who want sex are going for the climax of the play without enjoying Acts I through V. When you make love to someone, it is not just anatomical. It is about looking into the other person’s eyes, touching them softly in intimate ways on all parts of the body, kissing them tenderly. When done correctly, the entire experience is highly enjoyable and you almost don’t want the climax to come because you don’t want the lovemaking to stop. But, when that does happen, remember to continue the lovemaking. Make sure, of course, that your partner has had an orgasm; don’t be selfish. Once you have both had that rush, it is time for the afterglow. Hold each other, kiss, rub, sigh, talk softly to each other. A good lover knows that foreplay is a big part of lovemaking; a stupendous lover knows that afterplay is equally important. So, do not push Barry to have “sex.” Don’t even set a date in which you inform him you intend to be intimate with him. Instead, just have a date, and try to get intimate with him slowly. Don’t put pressure on him. Hopefully, he will enjoy it, and if he appears nervous, don’t get frustrated. Back off a little. It’s like fishing, in a way. When you feel that nibble, you play the fish before you snag him on the hook. That’s a little gauche for a metaphor, but you get it. Finally, if this has all been about virtual sex and not real sex, please do us both a favor and get yourself a boyfriend who can be with you in the real world. Good luck! Wishing you love, Papabear |
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