[Note: The following letters were written over the course of several months. I didn't post the first couple because they were rather short, but since the third letter came in and they were all related, I decided to post them here as one letter.]
Dear Papa Bear,
I'm a 21 year old male and I have this friend I spend a lot of time with and we have fun together playing games and stuff. We spend so much time together I started to develop feelings for him to the point that I fell for him, let's call him Barry. But when I told Barry about my feelings for him, He told me he likes me like a best friend but he doesn't like me like that and that my feelings for him would fade over time. But they haven't and we've been doing some sexual stuff like sexting and roleplaying online, on some occasions, we kinda he physical on webcam, showing off to one another. I don't know what to do and I feel so confused, I was hoping that maybe you could clear things up and help me out.
* * *
Naturally you're confused because Barry is sending you mixed signals. If he really doesn't think of you in "that way," then why is he sexting with you and showing off on cam? Either Barry is not being honest with his own feelings and he really does want you in a more loving way or he is being very cruel to you by teasing you like this and he should stop it.
What you need to do is get a straight answer from him, as in, "Barry, if you just want to be friends, then no more sexting and camming, period. But if you want to continue, then be honest with me and say you want a more intimate relationship. You can pick one or the other, not both."
Let me know how it goes. Good luck!
* * *
Thank you for you advice last week, it really helped me out with Barry, but I have another problem, we manage to find some common ground, we decided to be friends (best friends) but we limited our actions to RPing with on another through phone and computer. When he knew I wouldn't give up my feelings for him, he told me that he doesn't mind if I love him like that, it makes me feel horrible thinking that I may have forced my feelings onto him when I told him that I loved him and made me think I screwed things up for us, I thought I may have went too far when I told him I loved him one night just to see if I would get a responds from him, but nothing..... What should I do....?
Hugs and kisses
* * *
Did you ever see Disney's Aladdin in which Genie tells Aladdin he can grant all kinds of wishes, but one he can't do is make someone fall in love with you? Same thing: you can't make him fall in love with you. It's up to you if you want to stay friends or not. If you feel tortured that you love him and he doesn't love you, it might be too awkward to continue the relationship, but if you feel you can live with it, then do so.
You told him your honest feelings. No more you can do. One hope: people do change over time, and he might change his feelings later on, but there are no guarantees.
Sorry I can't give you anything more enlightening than this. Hugs.
* * *
Dear Papa Bear
Remember me? You helped my out before with Barry in the past. I'm so grateful for the advice you gave me last time and ever since then I manage to tell him my true feelings for him and he responded positively to them and feels the same way about me. But I wonder about us being intimate. I want us to be, but the only intimacy we really get is when we role play together online and every time I try to bring it up he either says no and/or says he might as well get offline or too shy about it.
Every time I bring up that the closest thing we get to sex is role playing. He tries to say it's our special little thing or tries to get rid of it all together, which doesn't work and ends up with us role playing again. I just want to show him how much I love him and how much he means to me. I guess that makes me some kind of pervert for thinking like that.... So please, Papa Bear, what can I do to show him how much he means to me without scaring him off or ruining what we have.
Thank you for you time.
* * *
Hi, Lan (or Lucas, as it used to be),
The following assumes you are able to meet Barry in person and I’m not wasting my time giving you advice on how to have virtual sex online because, to be brutally frankly, that’s just stupid.
I’m assuming Barry is about the same age as you, yes? It’s possible he’s still a virgin. If so, he might just be having some anxiety about a first-time experience. For instance, he might be nervous that he’ll disappoint you in bed because of his inexperience. Even if he isn’t a virgin, he could be relatively inexperienced and still nervous about it. Role playing online is always safer, and you can pretend you’re much more adept—and endowed—which would be another issue if he feels he might be physically disappointing to you. And another possibility is that he might have been with girls and this would be his first homoerotic experience, so, in addition to the nervousness about sex, there could also be the nervousness about doing something that most of society considers taboo.
Two keys for this lock: 1) never force someone to have sex, of course; if they don’t want to, then it is wrong to try to cajole or push the idea on them; 2) you don’t have to leap into bed and shoot the arrow into the target, so to speak. Start with cuddling and kissing. If that feels comfortable, move to heavy petting. As they say, work your way slowly around the bases and don’t try for a home run the first time at bat. As you do so, remember, you don’t have to steal bases and work your way home in one inning. Take several days, even weeks, or months. Since he is shy or inexperienced or uncomfortable or all three, this could take time, so be patient.
It’s okay, too, to occasionally take a step back. Say you move into second base, but he gets nervous again and you have to withdraw to first for a while. That’s okay. If you say you are doing this as an expression of love, then make love to him. There’s a big difference between making love to a partner and having sex. People who want sex are going for the climax of the play without enjoying Acts I through V. When you make love to someone, it is not just anatomical. It is about looking into the other person’s eyes, touching them softly in intimate ways on all parts of the body, kissing them tenderly. When done correctly, the entire experience is highly enjoyable and you almost don’t want the climax to come because you don’t want the lovemaking to stop. But, when that does happen, remember to continue the lovemaking. Make sure, of course, that your partner has had an orgasm; don’t be selfish. Once you have both had that rush, it is time for the afterglow. Hold each other, kiss, rub, sigh, talk softly to each other.
A good lover knows that foreplay is a big part of lovemaking; a stupendous lover knows that afterplay is equally important.
So, do not push Barry to have “sex.” Don’t even set a date in which you inform him you intend to be intimate with him. Instead, just have a date, and try to get intimate with him slowly. Don’t put pressure on him. Hopefully, he will enjoy it, and if he appears nervous, don’t get frustrated. Back off a little. It’s like fishing, in a way. When you feel that nibble, you play the fish before you snag him on the hook. That’s a little gauche for a metaphor, but you get it.
Finally, if this has all been about virtual sex and not real sex, please do us both a favor and get yourself a boyfriend who can be with you in the real world.
Good luck! Wishing you love,
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