I'm an avid reader of your letters and I was wondering if you might be able to help me out.
To start, I'm a 21 year old gay male who is currently single and I can't seem to find a way to stop this depressing feeling of loneliness in my life. I've got a great, supporting family and two wonderful groups of friends I've made through high school and college that I see on a semi-regular basis but the thing is, almost everyone of my friends has found a relationship. Even my friend nicknamed "Crazy [Dan]" has found someone.
I've managed to get into a relationship twice before, but sadly, they both ended badly (the first made me feel like I was being controlled and the second was so quiet I felt like I couldn't do anything with him). I've thought about trying online sites like E Harmony but searching for someone didn't feel right to me.
One of my friends has expressed that she would like me to find someone close by and while I agree with her, I haven't a clue how to start. I mean, I can't just walk up to some guy and ask if he's gay.
What can I do to find someone I can feel comfortable sharing my life with?
~Aiden Fox (Michigan)
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Having lived in Michigan for over 20 years, I can tell you that it’s certainly not the best place to be a gay man, but there is some hope there, and I agree with your friend that you should find someone local. First of all, though, I would wager that your first two boyfriends were furries, yes? And were they just online friends? I could be wrong, but if not, I suggest you broaden your scope to all gay—local—men to increase your chances of finding someone.
Secondly, you’re right, you just don’t approach someone—usually—and ask if they’re gay and interested in you. What you need to do is find a hang out with those like yourself so you can socialize with gay guys and make friends, some of whom may become more than friends.
While there are some gay bars in Michigan, I don’t know about you, but I don’t find those places to be very good for finding potential mates. It’s possible, but I just find bars unpleasant. Instead, I would like to suggest you check out places like The Network’s Men’s Social Group. I believe it’s based in Grand Rapids. The problem is you weren’t specific about what city you were in, but if it’s Grand Rapids, you’re golden. In Detroit—if you like bears ;-)—there’s Motor City Bears. You might also try joining an organization such as Equality Michigan, which has events you can participate in while also getting involved in the political side of the LGBT community. In short, try finding a local gay social network near you.
As for dating sites, if the above doesn’t work for you (and dating sites CAN work, so don’t feel weird about it), there are some that are gay-specific, rather than trying EHarmony, such as Compatible Partners, One Good Love (which looks particularly good, I think), and, for the very serious, Gay Marriage.
So, that’s what I would recommend for you, Aiden. Try to get some social contact with gay men out in the real world and outside of the bar scene, and maybe give some of these gay dating sites a try.
Hope that helps! Don’t give up; you’re only 21! You’ll find love yet!
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