Dear Papabear,
I really don't know how to start this off, seeing as this is the first time I had absolutely no idea what to do in my life. Let me just start with this, right now I am with someone and we are ... well let's say a little distant right now. I try my best to talk to him as much as I can, trying to make sure I can be there for him, you know. The problem is, he just doesn't seem into it anymore, and I don't know if I am either. I can't say if I still have the feelings now that I did for him when I first met him. This isn't the only thing that is wrong with this relationship, though. On more than one occasion, I have caught him in a kiss, or doing something with another guy. He keeps telling me that he wants us to have an open relationship as well, and I don't if that means I just can't satisfy him anymore or what. I am too scared to break it off just yet, I honestly don't want to be alone. Unfortunately though, there is another part to this problem. This is sort of related to the last problem, but not really. You see, I have this close friend, who is really like a brother to me in all honesty. I am starting to have some really strong feelings for him, and I don't know if he feels the same way. I am honestly just too scared to ask him. I don't want to lose him or have him hate me. This seems like one of the most standard problems ever, being that you like someone and you think they don't like you back. I know this is probably asked a lot, but I still haven't found an answer that works. He means the world to me but I just don't know if I should take a leap of faith and break it off with my current mate and try with my close friend. Please help, anything is appreciated. - ADN * * * Dear ADN, Papabear receives letters like yours from time to time, and they are basically looking for the same thing: some reassurance and a little dash of courage to do what they already know in their hearts needs to be done. They just need to hear it from someone else first. Your quandary is mostly driven by fear: fear of being alone; fear of turning off someone who is a friend and losing them, too. Fear is the worst decision-maker. Regarding the former, you and I both know that your current relationship is pretty much done and over. You don’t feel much love for your mate anymore and (actually this makes it much easier) he isn’t feeling it for you, either. That’s okay. Sometimes a relationship that starts out hot and heavy fizzles out for one or more of many reasons. It happens. Let him down gently and tell him he can now be as open as he wants because you’re not his mate anymore. If possible, keep the friendship alive. Good friends are hard to find. The second problem is more difficult. I’ll assume this “brotherly” guy is single, so you wouldn’t have to break up a relationship to have him. It is plausible that he hasn’t made a move on you out of respect for your current matehood. So, here’s what you do:
Try it out. Remember, the best mates are not only your lover but also your best friend. Wishing You Love, Papabear
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Dear Papa Bear,
I'm having a serious problem. It all started Jan 2, 2013 (it "started" earlier, but the problem itself was on the second). I was painting the bathroom in our 2/2 bed/bath apartment, living with my Mom and Sister, as well as my nephew (sister's kid). My sister, seeing that I had been maniacally texting a friend, decided to invade my phone, looking at my inbox. Normally I don't text much, but I had recently garnered a friendship with a guy in PA (me being in CA). My sister, seeing the stuff I had been texting my friend (Roleplaying, and he's been helping me accept being gay, and was answering my questions...) and jacked my phone, showing the messages to my mother later that night. At the same time my mother was looking at my phone, she told me to remove the password on my computer, in order for her to look at the files I had on it, look at my email, and my facebook. Needless to say, she saw my limited yiff collection, but she was completely incensed that my friend was ripping folders of yiff and emailing them to me. Me being seventeen, and him being over eighteen, my mother was completely pissed. She had threatened to report him to the authorities, but I couldn't bear the thought of sending him to jail on account of my "stupidity," as I told her that same night. She offered me a one-sided ultimatum. If I never texted, never emailed, never facebooked him, and never called him, as well as never went ANYWHERE NEAR Pennsylvania, she would never report him... Needless to say I cried a lot during that final night in which she allowed me to text him goodbye. What can I do? I'm still heart broken, I'm having fantasies and dreams of killing my mother and sister (although I'm not so stupid as to actually act on them), and I am despondent during the days, pouring over my reading books and listening to Audioslave, Three Days Grace, and a limited selection of 3 Doors Down... I feel like I'm breaking apart, I don't know what I can do now. What can I do? Drake Wolfe * * * Hi, Drake, How close are you to being 18? Once that happens, your bf in PA is not guilty of anything. Papabear * * * My bday is March 2. Cant she still get him reported and sent to jail, even if i am 18 and move to PA? * * * If you are both 18 and of legal age, he has not done anything illegal, so, no, she can't get him in legal trouble. You are both adults at that point. She CAN refuse to financially support you, she CAN kick you out of her house, but only after you are 18, which is when she is no longer obligated by law to support you. She can't throw you or your bf in jail. * * * The police can't hold the yiff he sent me wen i was 17 against him at that point? * * * Teenagers looking at porn is not unusual. As long as the porn does not involve underage individuals, I would say you are fine. I would, if I were you, simply lay low for a few months until your birthday. If it makes you feel better, delete the porn on your computer. Be advised I am not an attorney, so if you are REALLY concerned, you might seek one out, but the two of you have not had sex, and there is no law I know of that teenagers flirting with each other, even if you are gay. Furthermore, he is in PA, where the age of consent is 16, not 18. I don't know what the laws are regarding interstate flirtations, but one argument is that you can't exactly have sex when you are on opposite sides of the country. My advice would be to keep things on the back burner until you're 18. Your mother, it seems, is trying to take advantage of your ignorance of the law to threaten and control you; either that, or she is ignorant of the law herself, which is also quite possible. ALSO, since there is only 1 year's difference between the two of you, in California the law states that if the age difference is fewer than 3 years, then the WORST he can be charged with is a misdemeanor, and no one gets thrown in prison for a misdemeanor. (See this link: http://www.leginfo.ca.gov/cgi-bin/displaycode?section=pen&group=00001-01000&file=261-269). Stay calm, you'll be fine. Hugs. Papabear P.S. Never really a good idea to exchange naked pics on the Internet; you never know where they will end up. * * * Would it change anything if he sent me a shirtless pic of himself, to ask if he was my type, and I sent a shirtless one back, searching for confirmation that I was not ugly/to gain more confidence in my body? What I look at does not involve underage individuals; I mostly look at Jay Naylor, Meesh, Redrusker, etc. on Furaffinity and Tumblr. If I could know FOR SURE that I can move to Pennsylvania after I turn 18 and get out of High School, without fearing my mother's retribution for doing so in the form of reporting him and screwing with his life, that will make my remaining six months in this pit much brighter... Thanks for talking to me. * * * I really don't know the fine-point legalities, but a shirtless picture of a male is not porn. You see it at the beach and by the pool any day of the year. Again, the worst that could happen would be a misdeamenor, but I find that HIGHLY HIGHLY unlikely. Also, he's in a different state and the charge would be in California, and I really doubt that anything will come of it. Like I said, for now, stop sending pics back and forth, just to be careful. Play it smart. Papabear * * * Alright, thank you so much for helping me feel more comfortable with this situation. I've found a friend, Alex, who is looking into the "fine-point legalities," since he wants to become a lawyer, this could be a good start for him. Thank You. Drake Dear Papabear,
I've recently come out in my real-life as a trans man, and while not facing complete acceptance, it's going well enough that I am being accepted as a man by at the very least my friends. That's not why I'm here. Now that I am being viewed as a man in the furry fandom as well, I've come to notice the treatment I got as a woman, which I originally assumed to just be infuriating quirks of less-than-stellar people in this fandom, were examples of misogyny--I don't have these problems if perceived to be a man. As someone long active in feminist circles, I recognize that I am now inheriting Male Privilege--and it's a daunting prospect. How can I continue my transition without grabbing handfuls of this privilege and, by extension, pissing on the women of the furry fandom? Furnonymous * * * Hi, Furnonymous, Wow, what an awesome opportunity this is to get a rare and insightful look at the division of the sexes within the fandom. You are not the first furry to point out to me that females are sometimes treated differently than males within the fandom. It is a fact that there are fewer women in the fandom than men, and that most of these men are in their teens and twenties. A lot of them are gay, too, but that really shouldn’t matter when it comes to treating women with respect. There are some female furry groups out there, like https://www.facebook.com/FemaleFurries on FB and http://furry4life.org/group/femalefurs on F4L, but both of those groups have fewer than 200 members apiece. I really think it’s time this topic got more discussion. Perhaps have regular panels at conventions about female furries and the issues they might face in the fandom. Maybe some of my femmefur readers can chime in here on the topic, and I brought it up, too, to my friends at FurMedia and they said they would do a show on the subject. To address your question more directly, I would first of all say that I think “misogyny” is a bit too harsh of a term. I don’t think male furries hate females, I think it is more a case of many of them being awkward and shy around females (the younger ones, mostly, but some older ones too, I hear). Now, you may have garnered some “male privilege” since your change, but you don’t have to use that in a negative sense. You have a remarkable opportunity here to be a liaison between the sexes in the fandom because you understand what it is like to straddle the gender gap. If you take on a role of advocate of female furries, you certainly won’t piss them off; I would think they’d appreciate it. Try joining some women’s groups, like maybe the ones mentioned above, or maybe even create your own, and start a dialogue with the ladies of the fandom. I think that would be terrific, and it sounds like it is needed. Good luck! Papabear Hey Papa Bear, I been have something on my mind recently and just not really sure how to come out to say it, but here it is. One topic that came up recently by a friends and it’s about it being popular. I know it’s very shallow sounding, but honestly, when they brought it up, we talked, and I came to the realization that I want to become popular within the Fandom or be in the spotlight per se. But is it wrong of me to have that type of mentality? Or say I let it get to me and it agitates me? How do I go about it? And one thing, thanks for all your help previously, Papabear. You’re awesome and appreciate that you do this for me and everyone else. Thanks. Anthony Snow * * * Hi, Anthony, Thanks for your kind words. I appreciate them :-3 Let me begin my reply by telling you a story. When Papabear was a cub, he always looked forward to going to bed because that time before I drifted off to sleep would be my time of fantasy. I would imagine myself to be a mighty dragon, or sometimes a wolf, or a bear, or a flying magical buck. In one of these forms, I would interact with characters from my favorite books and movies, such as The Hobbit, The Jungle Book, The Chronicles of Narnia, Bambi, or Mary Poppins(my favorite scene is still when they are in the cartoon world created by Bert with his chalk drawings). In all of them, I was the center of attention in some way—admired by the other characters for my strength or beauty or kindness. I loved these worlds so much that I came to really dislike reality and withdrew into myself more and more. I became so fearful of the world that it led to a very bad period of my life that I didn’t crawl out of until my twenties. Kind of like an addiction, really, that craving for a fantasy world where I am more than I am. It reminds me of a little riddle: Where are all men great? Answer: in their own minds. It isn’t wrong to want to be wanted, to be admired, to be cherished and loved. It is a very natural impulse we have from childhood. But to want to be famous and popular for the sake of fame and popularity is unhealthy and, as you yourself say, shallow. Here’s a fun video about that: That is, really, the definition of the popufur, isn’t it? Someone who preens and struts and shows off for the sake of being admired. American culture is rife with this mental illness, this desire for fame, especially when it comes to things like being on television. “Look at me! Look at me! I’m on TV! Validate me! I’m somebody!” So a camera got stuck up your muzzle, big whoop. Yet Americans ogle and fawn over television personalities as if they were gods and goddesses while people of true substance and accomplishment are too often ignored. The result is things like reality TV shows and Honey Boo Boo, things with absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Indeed, American society has become very shallow, especially over the last couple of decades, but you might chalk that opinion up to the words of a bear who is a bit of a curmudgeon at times. The problem is you’re putting the cart before the horse. What you are desiring are the things that result from true accomplishment, not the accomplishments themselves. What you should be trying to do with your life is something useful and productive, something that benefits your family, friends, society and the planet in some way. You should do this unselfishly, not for the craving to be admired and respected. And, as this little video shows, giving can feel great! Personal satisfaction in life comes from accomplishing things for the greater good, not in receiving undeserved attention. A little example is this letter right here. I tried to do something good for furries, and you responded with a very nice compliment. Thank you. It feels especially good because the compliment came because I did something for somebody else, not for myself.
Feel great about yourself by what you do for others and for the world, then you won’t worry about being popular at all because you’ll have something much better: the satisfaction of being a good person. Hugs, Papabear Papabear,
I'll start saying that I've been living with my grandparents since I was 10 years old (20 years old right now) and they've been always there for me whenever I needed support, love and affection. My relationship with my grandma is very good, she knows that I'm a furry, bisexual and have a foot fetish, which is good for her because she always has been telling me that no matter what choice I make, she'll be supporting me and respect my decisions. We live and work on a farm. Recently I started to have this attraction for cows and bulls, meaning that sometimes I have fantasies about having sex with them; is there something wrong with me? what should I do? I feel like a freak about it because I really, really feel this sexual attraction for them and I'm afraid that maybe I'm falling into Zoophilia, I can't talk about this with my grandparents because I don't know how they will react if I say it. Please Papa Bear, help me. * * * Hello, Fellow Furry, I’m not listing your name here because of the nature of the topic, which is quite controversial. As Papabear’s readers know, I am very nonjudgmental about people’s sexual needs and preferences. I’ve always felt, in a very Wiccan way, that if you aren’t hurting anyone you should be allowed to do what you enjoy doing. Okay, so, the hot topic of the day is zoophilia: the sexual desire for a species other than your own. As everyone knows, zoophilia is socially unacceptable in most societies, including American society (no duh, right?) Nevertheless, everyone knows it occurs; your living on a farm and desiring to have sex with a cow or bull is, actually, rather cliché, though the running joke is usually of a farmer having sex with a goat, sheep, or pig. Is desire for another species abnormal? Is it deviant? Well, yes, in the sense that it is uncommon and it is a deviation from the norm. Consider, though, that people used to believe that homosexuality only occurred in Homo sapiens, yet after a little research scientists have discovered that it actually can be found in hundreds of species around the planet. This led to my next thought: Could interspecies sex also occur in the wild? Thank goodness for the wonders of the Internet. After a little googling, I came across this fascinating article on the National Geographic site (a trusted source; I don’t just quote people who randomly post on the Web as if everything on there is true): http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2007/03/070314-hybrids.html. The gist of the article is that it has been learned that interspecies sex occurs in nature. This can be seen as one of Nature’s many ways to genetically diversify species and try things out to see if they work. The thing is, however, that while the species discussed are technically different, they are not too distantly related (polar and brown bears, for instance, or two differently species of butterflies). The reason for this is that, at minimal, you will need to have the same number of chromosomes in the two species in order to have a birth. Well, okay, that’s not really true, either. An example would be mules (mules result from male donkeys breeding with mares) and hinnies (a hinny is the result of a female donkey and male horse). Horses have 64 chromosomes and donkeys have 62; they can mate and create an offspring with 63 chromosomes, but the result is an animal that itself is sterile. It can live a normal life, but it will not reproduce. .... Wrong again! I found this article: http://www.sciencedaily.com/articles/h/hybrid.htm which asserts that a female mule can actually be fertile! When it comes to Nature, humanity’s sense of right and wrong is left at the door. The main goal of Nature, when it comes to plants and animals (interspecies breeding among plants, by the way, is even more common than in animals), is to create creatures that will live and thrive. As the environment changes, so do species change to adjust. The extinction of one species provides an opportunity for another. Life and evolution are in constant flux. Here’s another example: there are now scientists who believe that early Homo sapiens mated with Neanderthals and that our modern species may be the result. So, what do we make of zoophilia, given the above? If we look at it objectively, it might just be one way for Nature to experiment with genes and see what happens. If a human mates with a cow, probably nothing will happen (although I do suggest a condom for sanitary purposes). Humans are an interesting step in evolution, as we are actually actively trying to genetically alter plants and animals. This happens all the time in modern horticulture. There are even cases where the genes of an animal species have been inserted into those of a crop plant to help it resist disease and pests. Scientists have interbred carrots and rice so that people living in Asia, where rice is a staple, can get some of the vitamins commonly found in carrots. Furthermore, we have pigs in research facilities growing human organs now! Wow. Who knows, someday, we might actually see humans with genes from other animals, and furries (though they would probably still look very human) would actually come into existence. This is all a long-winded way of explaining to you, dear writer, that what you are feeling, while not normal by society’s standards, is probably the result of an impulse planted into you at random by Mother Nature. One of Her little experiments, shall we say. Your grandparents have been amazingly supportive and understanding of you. They have accepted everything else about you, and might even accept this. It’s not like you have actually done anything about it, and I would tell them so if you have that conversation, but you do have these feelings and maybe you would feel about it if you could talk to someone. Maybe show them this letter so they have a bit more understanding of it. It is, indeed, a bit like walking through a mine field, so you need to be careful. I will not judge you one way or another about the “morality” of it (as long as you don’t hurt yourself or an animal in the process) but it is a dicey issue. Quite so. I hope the above helps. Let me know how it goes. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
Finally decided to come up and ask a question. I'll ask it here, and let you ponder it a minute, before I continue on. What do you do when you fall for the wrong people, at the wrong times, when every relationship seems to end, and you're not sure whether it's because of you or something else? For example, my first relationship was with an in the closet gay male. Myself, I was out. But It was hard for me to see him avoiding me in public, only to try and console me in private. I realized he had problems admitting it at the time, but he refused to even accept a hug in public, and I glomp random friends all the time! I ... ended that one. I think it's because of that I had worse luck. For any people reading this, and who think it's a great Idea? I'll get out of my parents house and in with my boyfriend/girlfriend! I have to tell you, that that's a terrible idea. It leaves you dependent on them. I had a job thankfully at the time, but minimum wage isn't that much when you're on your own. But I guess that wasn't the problem with that one, or was it.. I love to hug, socialize, to hear a word of praise, a good job, every now and then. But I don't think he did, or at least not to the extent that I did. I lost that relationship as well, apparently acting like a child. Left homeless, I refused to go back home, and used money from my job, to greyhound to the location of another male. This was a bad Idea, as I was left in a hotel for the first night. And the next. And the next. I drained my wallet and it was only by the good grace of the local church that I got enough money to get out of there. But I didn't learn. Gods I didn't learn. I wish I had. I was left homeless as soon as I got there. There being after another relationship. I was suddenly told, that the male was already mated. For the first 3 days I lived in a halfway house, yes. But after that? I was subjected to the true wonders of being homeless. Not knowing where I was going to get my next meal from. Super-religious hotel roommates thinking I was possessed. And despite how my parents called, I refused to come home. I visited the male I had come down to see, and my heart yowled every time. But then.. Then I just couldn't anymore. I was dirty, sick, I had nearly died 3 times. And not once in those did that male ever come to see me. I came home. And I'm enlisting in the military. So Papabear? What do I do when I pick guys like that? From, Anar * * * Dear Anar, It isn’t you in the sense that you are a bad person who gets rejected by boyfriends, but the problem is you in the sense that you are going about it in the wrong way. Let’s start with that first relationship with the closeted guy. My first boyfriend was closeted too, and he lived with his homophobic father. I really liked him a lot, but he would not move out of his father’s place and he was not openly gay, so it was really hard. One time, I was riding in the passenger seat in his car and we were holding hands. Suddenly, he thought he spotted his dad’s car behind us and, even though there was no way he could have seen it, he immediately released my paw. After that, when I realized I’d have to wait until his father died so we could be together, I broke it off. Two types of guys who usually don’t work out in relationships: closeted (you can never openly express your love, which puts a real kink in things) and those who are cheating on their partners with you (my previous mate was royally screwed by someone like that). With the next two guys you mention, it sounds like you leaped into the situation without looking first, or, as you said, "I glomp random friends": with the first one, sounds like you jumped on a greyhound bus assuming he’d let you live with him right away only to find out differently; the second one didn’t even tell you he was mated already. In both cases, the lesson to be learned is that you don’t jump into a full-blown relationship without first getting to know the other person really well. You seemed to figure that out with the lesson about not trying to move in with a guy when you aren’t financially independent, but then you goofed when you ran into the arms of a guy who was not mate material because he was already mated. The only thing that makes me a little nervous about you right now is that you could be enlisting in the military for the wrong reasons. You sound like an impulsive person who leaps from situation to situation. If you haven’t already enlisted, I would strongly suggest you take a deeeeeeeeep breath and think long and hard about what you are doing. If you are joining the military because you had bad relationship experiences, then that is a bad idea; the correct reason to join the military is that you have a strong love for and sense of duty for your country. What is the answer to that, Anar? You sound like a very nice person. Affectionate and kind. But you are too impulsive. You are like a young Luke Skywalker flashing his light saber before he thinks about what might happen when he encounters the demon living under the tree in Yoda’s home world. Slow down. Think about what you are going to do before you do it. Get to know people before you become intimate with them or commit yourself to them. I think these words of advice may help you. Good luck! Bear Hugs! Papabear Hey Papabear,
I need a little perspective. I'm a girl, in my mid-twenties, and I've always been a maternal, caring person (or so the people around me tell me). I love helping people when I can, and I do my best to never ask others for help if at all possible (though recently I've had to). I started a crafting business when I was a kid, and have made it a serious thing now, which has been really fulfilling for me. I offer most of my stuff at about 15% above cost, just so I can cover fees and everything without losing money. Some people have told me I should charge more, but I don't want to. I know how much it sucks to want to buy something pretty, and not be able to afford it because the person who made it wants ten times what it cost to make. I don't want to do that to people. I enjoy what I do, so it's not really a 'job' to me, so I see no point in charging like it's some really tough job. Lately, I've started a donation program (you might remember cuz I emailed you about it too), where people who I would be donating to have the option of collaborating with me to create items specific to them, so that their fans can purchase something related to them, while still supporting them, and not just me. The problem I seem to be having, however, is that people misunderstand, and just assume I want to make money off of their ideas. I think they think I'm trying to rip off their popularity and make money from it. It is true that I would be making a little bit of money from these items, but that's not why I offer the option of making them. It's not even a required option or anything, it's just that I thought they should have the right to tell me "hey make this thing that looks like something related to my webcomic/blog/art/characters/etc so people will be more inclined to buy it and thus raise more money for me" if they wanted to. Unfortunately, when you try to explain it to someone who is at all popular for the things they make/do/say, they just assume the former things instead, and take offense to it. I don't want to upset any of these people, I'm honestly just eager to support them in the only way I currently can. Can you think of a way I could go about telling these people what I'm trying to do without either making them think it's a crummy idea, or sounding like a preachy infomercial? Thanks bunches in advance =3 KGH * * * Hi, KGH, Yes, we have spoken about this, and I am going to talk to you about it further because I’m interested in your services. As some of my readers know, I put an excellent design by Dan the Bear onto goods sold at Cafe Press. A lot of people have looked at that page, but no one is buying because I guess they are a little too pricey for many furries. I have been accused of trying to make money off my advice column, but truthfully I am only trying to recover some of my advertising and other costs (fyi, I’ve spent about $200 on this column and haven’t made a dime, not counting the many hours of time I invest in it). Like you, I am not in this for the money; I am trying to do something fulfilling and meaningful and just break even on costs. But let’s cut to the chase. The answer to your question is simple: create a written contract for each person who agrees to use your services. You don’t have to know Legalese to do this. Simply outline what you agree to do for the client and what they agree to do for you in return. Make two copies for each party, sign and date the copies, and have them notarized (although that’s not necessary, really, just something to reassure people), which you can often do for free at your local bank. It’s too bad that the people you talk to don’t trust you with a verbal contract (also legal and binding), but these days I don’t blame them much, either. Having everything in writing should make all parties more confident that no shenanigans are involved. (Oh, and remember to include an “out” clause in the contract that explains how parties can get out of the agreement, and also include a clause that tells all parties which state the contract is being formed in so that the laws of that state apply and there’s no confusion there). I know all of this is rather tedious, but whenever you want to have an agreement involving money, property, etc., the safest course is to have everything in writing so that there are no misunderstandings. Worse case scenario: you have a big argument and have to hand a copy of the contract to Judge Judy, who will stare at you sternly for a while, but then smile (or grimmace, kinda hard to tell with her, but I think she's hysterical) because you did your homework. Hope that helps! We’ll talk soon, promise! Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
I will try to keep this short as I can I promise. I live with Asperger’s Syndrome and Bipolar disorder(Amongst other things). I met my current mate and husband four years ago. It was my first real experience going on a date. Through our four years we've had quite a lot of trouble. Mostly because I was not on medication for a while and would go crazy now and then. (One point after a fight I took the rent money and went off to Texas). Anyhow, he understands that I wasn't really able to control myself in these situations. We both love each other dearly. I do what I can to support him. When he had his workers comp issues going on for over a year I helped with all the paperwork. Medical info. Even stayed many nights in the hospital with him. But recently in the past year he has gotten to points where apparently he can't tolerate my autism and bipolar anymore. In march after we got married, he asked for a separation. So I went to live with my father for about four months. Now for me I'm very confused about a lot of concepts. I thought that separation meant you take a break for a bit, but aren’t really broken up. He thought otherwise apparently. I barely had my foot out the door before he was lying in bed with a fursuiter that he knew I couldn't stand. (I had an issue with the fact my mate was far more into suiters than he ever would be to me. He would spend 3 hours in bed with a suiter and maybe 10 minutes with me). I only found this out because he turned suicidal around April and I had to take him to the hospital. I saw him everyday, and he had given me his wallet to hold onto. Found a business card for a hotel I know we'd never been to and he explained a lot. Said he went to see the suiter, and hooked up with a guy on craigslist. On top of the fact he finally revealed to me he faked the fall at work. His injuries were real, but he faked the fall. Come July we move back in together. In August we go to not only my first fur con, but our first fur con together as a couple. I was a very sheltered kid growing up, I didn't know much about the kind of social interaction that would go on at a convention. My mate was clearly recognizable from....well a certain adult sight. So there were several other lions there that were hitting on him, getting a little to close for my comfort. What really hurt was the night of the dead dog dance, he had paid for a dance with a suiter at the charity auction. The suiter recognized my mates suit, and said to him he wanted to dirty dance. My mate comes up to me and says the guy wants to dirty dance and they go and do it. He doesn't ask if I'm alright with it or not. IT was...a very shocking experience. A month later, he comes home from work for lunch and says to me "I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you." I move out on my own to Indiana, where I can afford rent on disability. Couple weeks in I turn suicidal go to the hospital. The day I come back I go on FA and find a journal that someone he met at the convention was flying out to spend a week with him. Obviously I....lets just say I wasn't pleased. I end up going to the hospital again, and on a very tearful phone call we decide to get back together. So now I'm back with him, and I don't know if truthfully I should be. Should I stay with someone, who I believe feels its justifiable if you get tired of your mate, to kick him out for a bit and go hang with a new boy toy? Ryver Otter * * * Hi, Ryver, I’m glad you wrote Papabear to get a little perspective. When our emotions are lodged in our throats, it can be difficult to have an objective view on a relationship. I’ll be direct: the short answer is no, Papabear doesn’t believe this guy is for you. It’s okay to love him, to cherish him as a friend, but the two of you have physical and emotional needs that are too far out of whack to promise anything better than a turbulent partnership. I mean, a guy who tells you straight up, “I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you” is not good mate material, don’t you think? Papabear has no objections to his loving fursuiters and enjoying playing around, but that is only okay if you are okay with it, too. Open relationships and polyamory can work, and I’ve seen them work, but both partners have to agree to it. Ryver, you need someone in your life who wants a romantic, monogamous relationship and who loves you no matter what your flaws might be. This guy ain’t it. You might be clinging to him because you don’t think anyone will love you the way he does. You might be suffering from low self-esteem that makes you believe, “He’s not great, but I can’t do better than this.” Bullshit. You might not thing so now, but there are nice guys out there who would love a faithful, loving partner like yourself and will stand by your side even with your medical issues. Time to have a calm discussion with your current mate and tell him that you want something more in life than he has to offer. I wish you luck and love, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I'm a member of the art site DeviantArt, which as you know is one of the most popular art websites in the world. People from all sorts of countries go there. Because of this, you can't help but interact with a few dozen foreigners, and I have encountered a pitiful problem of a language barrier. My DA isn't very popular or engaging, so I'm usually on my FA, and I only check back on DA every week or so. Recently I logged on to DA and found out I received a few good comments and notes from a person named Husk. At first I thought he was speaking in text speech, but as I browsed along his words... I simply couldn't understand anything. *derp* I went to Husk's account and saw that he was born and raised in a country which had its own language. I concluded that he only had English as a second language and didn't practice it too well. I tried to say a little greeting back to Husk (in English), but it seems the poor guy has little idea what I'm saying, and I have little idea in what he's saying too. And it's rude to just tell him directly "I don't know what you're saying" and I don't trust Google Translate to try and talk to him in his native tongue. So far, he hasn't been commenting anymore, but I don't really know how to respond to his old comments because I don't even know what he means (plus, two of the comments are questions). What's a guy to do in a situation like this? Sincerely, Doc * * * Hi, Doc, Thanks for your question. Papabear agrees that Google Translate can be rather clunky, though it can do well enough to get the point across. It’s when you try to express difficult, abstract concepts or use too many colloquialisms that Google takes a poop and gives you odd results. My first suggestion, then, would be to send a short, very short, message to your friend. I take it you figured out which language he speaks? There are many online translators out there that can handle simple phrases such as “thank you for the compliment”; “sorry, I don’t speak [insert language]”; and so on. You could go the extra mile and purchase software. One I know of is called Babylon (http://translation.babylon.com) which, I believe has a free online version. Other good software packages are Power Translator and Promt. If you find yourself dealing more and more with people from other countries, it might be worth getting some software, though in your case you probably don’t deal with foreigners often enough to justify it. Should that change, it is an option. Going a bit further, perhaps you could locate a friend or acquaintance who speaks the language and he or she could help you out by translating back and forth. And those are about your only options. Depends on how often you deal with the situation how you might wish to finally resolve it. Good luck! Papabear Dear Readers,
Since Papabear's in basket is empty once more (hint hint), I thought I would write on a subject that recently had some debate on this site: furry names. There was a recent letter from a furry who was concerned about his name being unoriginal, and, outside this site, I have occasionally chatted with furs who have been having difficulty coming up with a name for their fursonas or, sometimes, for stories they are writing. So, how does one come up with a cool name? When I was thinking of a name for my alter ego, Grubbs Grizzly, I wanted something unique. I started with the last name, which was kind of a given and not too original, but I wanted to be clear about my species--so, Grizzly it was. But what of the first name? I didn't want to be known only as Grizzly or Mr. Grizzly or maybe Brer Grizz. I next thought about my fursona. Who was he? Well, he was a very laid-back bear, as most bears are. He was inspired by Disney's "The Country Bears," but I didn't want him to be a rip-off of those characters. Nor did I want him to be Baloo, though I love Baloo and Grubbs has a rather Baloo-ish personality. So I thought more about the character. I pictured him in kind of dirty, worn-out denim overalls (looking back, I guess overalls on bears are kind of cliche, too, oh well, I like 'em). I started thinking of names that describe that, and "grubby" popped into my head, which evolved into "Grubs" and then "Grubbs" with 2 b's. I'm not sure how that got in my grey matter, but it must have been subconscious because later I came across some people in my research with the name Grubbs as a last name. Anyway, I liked the name because it was both descriptive and alliterative, and being a writer, I have a fondness for occasional alliteration or assonance, with maybe a little onomatopoeia thrown in. When it comes to fiction, I often adopt character names from history, pop culture, and literary sources such as Greek and Roman mythology. In my novel, The Steel of Enadia, the main protagonist is named Jann after Janus, the god of beginnings and transitions because his character is key to a major upheaval in his world. Brodi, Jann's companion, comes from a slang term meaning several things, including "accident," "taking a chance," and "to steal." All of which have some relevance to the character. Speritus, Jann's wizard mentor, is a bastardization of the word "inspiration," because that is what he does for Jann. I could go on, but I think you get the idea. Back to fursonas. Selecting a name can be a very personal thing for some, but for others it really is just something for fun and is not that serious. For the former crowd, I suggest you really get in touch with your alter ego, envisioning who that person really is, what his/her traits are, both physical and emotional. If you reflect on those things long enough, often an appropriate name will come to mind. You can also think about your heritage when coming up with a name and draw on your family's culture to find an appropriate handle, whether that may be Asian or African or Native American or European or whatever, there is a lot you can draw on. For instance, a bear friend of mine has a Scottish background. I suggested the name "Mathan," which is Gaelic for bear. Or, say you are a cheetah and your roots go back to Swahili culture.... you could adopt the name Mwepesi, which means "swift." Or you are Chinese and you have a sweet personality, your name could be 甜. The possibilities are endless. You have thousands of years of history and culture to draw upon, not to mention the spiritual world and your own inner world. Have fun with it. Be creative! A good name will literally last you a lifetime :-3 Hugs, Papabear |
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A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.
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